Phil Taylor's Blog: The Phil Factor, page 178
February 9, 2013
The President Might Kill Me
He's probably not trying to kill me right now, but he might. And he could, and it would be legal. I'm sure President Obama wouldn't be the first to think about killing me, but he's probably the first that could do it legally by remote control plane. Earlier this week the Obama administration re-affirmed a Bush era policy that gives the President the right to unilaterally decide to kill someone that might be a threat to the country in the future. If you need more factual information than I'll ever provide you can read about it here: http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/07/us/drones-classified-document/index.html
Sure my little Barack Obama jokes on my blog may seem cute, but what if Barry gets his panties in a bunch and decides that I'm trying to lead an uprising? I won't debate the pros or cons of the policy, but I will say as a "guy" that it is a seriously awesome policy. We get to sit home playing Call of Duty while Barack by virtue of his job gets to play it for real. Part of the policy leaked to the public this week indicated that Barack Obama could use drone planes to assasinate anyone he thought might be a threat to U.S. security. Drone planes! Seriously, how cool is that? I wonder if he has a Playstation controller in his desk drawer that he takes out.
Now if he's picking off al-Queda operatives I'm cool with that. But what if he gets some bad info? Or worse yet, what if somewhere out there some terrorist has the same name as me? Sure, the chances of that are fairly small, but it could happen. How can I rest easy knowing that Barack could be scrolling through the online White Pages and click on the wrong Phil Taylor when he's targeting the drone? Or what if Barack decides to take a night off, gets all liquored up, checks Michelle's browser history and finds that she's been visiting my blog just a little too often again? That is exactly when we need a little bit of the old checks and balances system.
I'm pretty sure that my ADT security system won't be much help if a drone flies in my front door and tries to drop a smart bomb in my pants. It won't matter where I am if Barry decides that me or my blog are a threat to the country. I'm pretty sure that if Dominos can find me in 30 minutes or less the Air Force can GPS the hell out of my cell phone and find me no matter where I am.
I'd just like to say a big hello to all the wonderful CIA and FBI operatives reading this today. Welcome to The Phil Factor! Think about this: the CIA and FBI monitor "internet chatter" to find threats to U.S. security. I assume that they probably have some internet filter that grabs onto anything with certain keywords they've programmed it to look for. In the course of this blog I've used the words President Obama, kill, smart bomb, al-Queda, threat and Michelle.
In the event that I'm killed by a drone plane or I mysteriously "disappear" please keep the Phil Factor spirit alive by hitting the Facebook Like or Share buttons. Also, I'm still on my quest to have my novel White Picket Prisons gross more than the $264 that Christian Slater's movie Playback did, so if you haven't, please buy my book for your Kindle, Nook, or iPad for only $2.99. You can also keep up with all my writing hijinks including contests by following my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Phil-Taylor/331876066920144
February 2, 2013
Christian Slater is My Darth Vader
In much the same way that Darth Vader dogged Luke Skywalker throughout the series of Star Wars movies, Christian Slater has dogged me. One upping and thwarting me at every turn and stealing my success, all the while smiling smugly and skating away after a wry, sarcastic comment. Well no more I say. Hear me now and hear me loud Christian Michael Leonard Slater. Your bloody reign of terror is in it's waning moments and I shall savor my victory. Or perhaps, much like Luke and Darth Vader there will be reconcilliation and you will join the side of the righteous and the good.
Our story began in the maternity ward of a New York City hospital in the late 1960's. As our parents stood side by side gazing lovingly at us in our bassinets they discussed names. My parents proudly named me with a regal middle moniker from my maternal grandfather. As my parents proudly revealed my name, your parents, with a look of concern, or perhaps scorn, huddled and whispered hurriedly before turning and smiling smugly as they revealed that you would be called Christian Michael Leonard Slater, the boy with TWO middle names! Only hours out of the womb and you were already attempting to steal my infantile thunder. "Curse you! You swaddled demon!" I thought to myself as I shook my tiny fist in the direction of your bassinet.
Of course our school years were inexorably linked with the spelling bees, school plays, and of course who can forget the 1975 Cub Scout Troup 316 Pinewood Derby? Each and every time my dream of grasping that golden ring, that top stair on the podium, that starring role or just a moment of applause from my classmates seemed so close until...until the golden boy, Christian would swoop in at the last moment and spell the word, remember the line, or perhaps have a Pinewood Derby car that seemed just a little too fast to be only 5 ounces.
Then of course came high school where I was the shy, skinny, guy on the track team while you were the rebellious, edgy outsider that all the emo chicks were into. Grudgingly I have to admit that I did listen to your pirate radio station, but I hated myself for doing it.
As an adult now those petty childhood competitions are behind us. I thought I had moved on. But then, just when you had forgotten about me, you slipped. You left the door open a tiny crack and I plan to come barging through like the Kool-Aid pitcher on a hot summer day. I'm sure you were hoping I wouldn't notice, but I did. It turns out Christian that I was one of the very few that noticed that you "starred" in a movie last year. Your movie Playback was only shown in a single theater for a single week. Playback grossed a whopping total of $264.00. Really? $264? Isn't that pretty much just tickets and snacks for a family of four at the movies?
Dear Christian it might interest you to know that in 2012, I, Philip One Middle Name Taylor, released a book, a short novel, White Picket Prisons. Much like the lion of the Serengeti I am stalking you and your paltry $264 movie. I dare to dream that I could take down my mythical Darth Vader. That sad little movie will be your Deathstar and your downfall as my novel grosses more than $264. I'm not there yet, but I am confident Christian that with the support of my friends I shall finally best you. Where are your friends Christian? Certainly not in that theater watching Playback. A few years from now I also hope to savor the final irony as you come groveling, beggng to play the role of Cooper in the Lifetime network movie based on White Picket Prisons.
As always, if you like what you read here please hit the Facebook Like and/or Share button. If you enjoy my nonsense and would like to help me defeat Darth Christian Slater you can find my humorous, murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons available for Kindle, Nook, and iPad for only $2.99. You can also following all my writing stuff by liking my Facebook author page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Phil-Taylor/331876066920144?fref=ts
January 26, 2013
The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo
No, this is not a male version of the popular novel The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This is much better than that. I'm pretty sure nobody had very many laughs reading that dragon tattoo book. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also is not a fictional character. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is a guy I see at my Starbuck's almost every morning. To be fair, it's not really my Starbucks. I am neither owner nor manager, but The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo still shows up there regularly regardless of my lack of affiliation with the place.
The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is bald. Not old man, male pattern baldness bald, but "I shaved my head so I can look like a bad ass" bald. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also has a giant scorpion tattooed on his bald head. A scorpion tattoo that is much larger than any real scorpion. The tattoo stretches from the top of his head, wrapping around the back and down to the top of the neck. Each morning I wonder, what exactly is he trying to tell the world about himself?
Evil. I think having a giant scorpion tattooed on a menacing bald head kind of screams evil. My shamrock tattoo says I'm Irish. His scorpion tattoo says 'I'm evil." In fact after observing The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo daily for a while now, I'm pretty sure he is actually Satan. Yup, the real one. Apparently, just like you and me, Satan stops for his Starbucks fix on his way to work every day. Coffee, black of course. None of those frou frou girly drinks with whipped cream. He keeps to himself and goes about his business quietly while at Starbucks, but just the same, I'm pretty sure he's Satan. He makes small talk with the baristas so as not to arouse any suspicion. He tips, but never too much or too little. He always sits alone at the table by the window.
I suppose it's possible right? I mean, Satan has a job to do every day doesn't he? If he didn't show up for work each day encouraging evil, imagine all the police officers, military, and jail staff that would be out of work. Without evil our economy suffers. So like the rest of us, Satan’s day begins when his alarm goes off. Because he's evil, he hits snooze. Twice. Then I imagine Satan walking his dog clad in pajama pants and a Motley Crue reunion tour t-shirt. Obviously, he doesn't pick up the poop in a little bag because of his inherent evil nature. Unlike me, Satan never bothers to iron his shirt for work either. Before leaving for work he grabs his bagged lunch, grumbling over the low carb kick his wife is on, and gives Mrs. Satan a little kiss and let's her know if he'll be home late because there's a need for a little extra unrest in the middle east. Then he hops in the Satan mobile (you would think a red car, but he thinks that's too flashy and goes with black. Tinted windows of course. Maybe a Mustang.) Then he stops at Starbuck's to have his coffee, check Facebook and go over his schedule, all the while making a mental note that when he gets some extra time he'll have to perpetrate some evil on that guy in the tie who stares at him every morning.
Remember the 1995 Joan Osborne song, "What if God Were One of Us?" If God could be one of us, so could Satan. And if Satan had a name, I imagine it wouldn't be any of those fancy biblical names like Beezlebub or Lucifer. Seriously, how much of a giveaway would that be? He'd be constantly hounded by fans and papparazzi. No, I'm pretty sure that if Satan has a name it's something like Ed. And yes Ms. Osborne, I would call him Ed to his face. I wonder if Ed has a blog...If he does, I'm pretty sure he gets more reads than I got last week because his friends click on the Facebook Like or Share button below. C'mon people, we can't let evil win!
If you enjoy my nonsense and want to help me defeat evil you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, try out my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons and follow me on my new Facebook author page at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Phil-Taylor/331876066920144
January 19, 2013
The Phil Factor Loyalty Card
That's right! There's now a Phil Factor Loyalty Card! Any reader who signs up for The Phil Factor Loyalty Card is entitled to all the honors and benefits occurring thereto. Of course you'll get a Phil Factor keychain tag and you can track your bonus points online!
Here's how it will work: You'll receive 100 Bonus Points just for signing up. Each time you read The Phil Factor you scan your keychain tag in front of your webcam and your visit to the site will be logged and you'll receive 50 Phil Factor Bonus points in your account. When your Bonus Points totals reach certain thresholds you'll receive a Phil Factor gift card in the mail that's redeemable for merchandise in The Phil Factor online Gift Store. After 10,000 points you can even earn a free overnight stay at The Phil Factor.
Yes, I am kidding. Seriously though, is there anything left in life that we don't need a loyalty card, bonus card, club card, miles card, or points card for? Dear supermarkets, do you really need my name, address, phone number, mother's maiden name and "last four of your social" in your database just so I can get 50 cents off of Cheez Whiz? I've got an idea, why don't supermarkets just sell us the food at the best possible price they can?
If I actually had the loyalty card to every store I use, my wallet would be the size of a car battery, and that would totally ruin the look of my ass in jeans. If you don't want to carry all the cards, the other option is to download an app and scan all your cards into the app and then look it up in your phone to show the clerk everytime you want to use a loyalty card. Holy crap, do I really need to involve megabites and the world wide web just so I can get my 15th coffee half price? (Wouldn't that be a good name for a band? Megabites and The World Wide Web)
If I could get back all of my time that's used in the course of a week by a cashier saying, "Do you have a bonus card? Would you like to sign up? It will only take a minute" I'd have enough extra time to go see a movie. Maybe two movies if you count the time I have to stand in line behind some dolt who decided to sign up for the bonus card right then and there because they just found out that they can get 12 cents off of their next purchase.
When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law outlawing loyalty cards. Everyone would pay a Loyalty Card Tax of 1 cent on every purchase in exchange for the merchants selling everything at the lowest possible price that allows them to remain profitable.
As always, if you like what you read, the best way to earn bonus points is to hit the Facebook Like or Share button. If you really want to show your loyalty to The Phil Factor you can subscribe to my blog on your Amazon Kindle for only 99 cents/month so that you never miss an installment and you can enjoy my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons now available for Kindle, Nook and iPad. Also if you can identify the movie I quoted in the first paragraph you'll earn 50 Phil Factor points.
January 12, 2013
Screw Benjamin Button: The Top 5 Benefits to Aging
I hate to admit this, but there's no getting around it anymore. You're getting older. I'm not, but you definitely are. Most of you are dreading getting older. I'm not. Screw Benjamin Button. I can't wait to get old! There are benefits to being old that I cannot believe! It's like some secret club, only the members that are in it now have no idea how good they've got it.
1. Getting Stuff Cheap: You only have to be 50 join the AARP and you get all kinds of stuff really, really cheap! It costs $63 to join for 5 years. Here's one benefit: At the movie theater you get 49% off of soda and popcorn. That's your $63 paid back right there in one trip to the movies! I'm thinking of getting a fake ID so I can pass for 50. Separate from the AARP is the fact that you get cheap coffee virtually everywhere! I admit it, I have a morning Starbucks fix and I can't wait to cut that bill in half.
2. Freedom of Speech: We all have freedom of speech, in theory. There are two groups however that can get away with saying whatever they want and people excuse it because of their age. Little kids and old people. How often do you hear some grumpy old person say something outrageous and people around them just shrug their shoulders as if to say, "What are you gonna do? He's just old." Whereas if you or I say something crazy, we're in a meeting with Human Resources the next morning. I'm practicing my Ed Asner voice for those occasions when I want to say what I really think.
3. The Fashion Freezer: Whether we choose to or not, at some point our sense of style and fashion gets frozen in time. We've seen these people at work and thought, why are they still wearing clothes or a hairstyle that hasn't been popular in 20 years? It happens to everyone. Sadly, at some point in the future there's going to be a whole generation of accountants, lawyers and politicians walking around with their pants hanging off their ass. The upside is that you can stop buying new clothes and put no time or thought into what you wear each day.
4. Travel: I cannot wait to go on a Golden Memories bus tour! They're cheap, someone else plans them, does the driving and puts on a movie for you to watch on the ride. Las Vegas here I come! The only downside is that it's a bus full of old people.
5. Retirement: Retirement doesn't mean never working again, it means only working at what you want to. What I want to work at is hanging out with other old dudes at the coffee shop and playing chess all day as I drink my half price coffee. Maybe I'll still write this blog too. As social media evolves into smaller and smaller sound bites or tweets or whatever comes next I may be the last blogger on Earth in about 10 years. By then my following of grumpy, old people will be tremendous, until they die off of course.
If you would like to age gracefully with me you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and perhaps enjoy my murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons which you can find by clicking on of the links in the right sidebar. If you enjoy what you read please hit the Facebook Like or Share buttons before you go. Stay aged my friends.
Screw Benjamin Buttons: The Top 5 Benefits to Aging
I hate to admit this, but there's no getting around it anymore. You're getting older. I'm not, but you definitely are. Most of you are dreading getting older. I'm not. Screw Benjamin Buttons. I can't wait to get old! There are benefits to being old that I cannot believe! It's like some secret club, only the members that are in it now have no idea how good they've got it.
1. Getting Stuff Cheap: You only have to be 50 join the AARP and you get all kinds of stuff really, really cheap! It costs $63 to join for 5 years. Here's one benefit: At the movie theater you get 49% off of soda and popcorn. That's your $63 paid back right there in one trip to the movies! I'm thinking of getting a fake ID so I can pass for 50. Separate from the AARP is the fact that you get cheap coffee virtually everywhere! I admit it, I have a morning Starbucks fix and I can't wait to cut that bill in half.
2. Freedom of Speech: We all have freedom of speech, in theory. There are two groups however that can get away with saying whatever they want and people excuse it because of their age. Little kids and old people. How often do you hear some grumpy old person say something outrageous and people around them just shrug their shoulders as if to say, "What are you gonna do? He's just old." Whereas if you or I say something crazy, we're in a meeting with Human Resources the next morning. I'm practicing my Ed Asner voice for those occasions when I want to say what I really think.
3. The Fashion Freezer: Whether we choose to or not, at some point our sense of style and fashion gets frozen in time. We've seen these people at work and thought, why are they still wearing clothes or a hairstyle that hasn't been popular in 20 years? It happens to everyone. Sadly, at some point in the future there's going to be a whole generation of accountants, lawyers and politicians walking around with their pants hanging off their ass. The upside is that you can stop buying new clothes and put no time or thought into what you wear each day.
4. Travel: I cannot wait to go on a Golden Memories bus tour! They're cheap, someone else plans them, does the driving and puts on a movie for you to watch on the ride. Las Vegas here I come! The only downside is that it's a bus full of old people.
5. Retirement: Retirement doesn't mean never working again, it means only working at what you want to. What I want to work at is hanging out with other old dudes at the coffee shop and playing chess all day as I drink my half price coffee. Maybe I'll still write this blog too. As social media evolves into smaller and smaller sound bites or tweets or whatever comes next I may be the last blogger on Earth in about 10 years. By then my following of grumpy, old people will be tremendous, until they die off of course.
If you would like to age gracefully with me you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and perhaps enjoy my murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons which you can find by clicking on of the links in the right sidebar. If you enjoy what you read please hit the Facebook Like or Share buttons before you go. Stay aged my friends.
January 5, 2013
The 5 People You'll Meet in The Gym
Was your New Years Resolution to get in better shape? Did you sign up for a gym? You may not know it by looking at me, but I belong to a gym. I think there was a law passed stating that the more popular a gym is, the louder the music has to be. If you were to notice only the music and people on cell phones you'd think you were out at a club. I'll be damned if I can find someone to give me a beer though. That's why I fill my water bottle with beer before I go.
There are several categories of people that go to a gym. I think that the smallest number belong to the group of normal people who go to the gym a few times a week just to stay in decent shape. That's the group I'm in. There are several other types. Which one do you fit in to?
1. "Three-weekers." You may be one of these and don't know it yet. I call them this because they probably won't use their membership for more than three weeks. You can always spot one of the three-weekers because they are so clueless about exercise that they actually accept the complimentary session with the personal trainer so they can learn how to use the equipment. Another way to spot the three weekers is that you'll see them sort of drifting around the gym watching people use equipment as if they are watching animals at the zoo. The three weekers do this to try to figure out which pieces of equipment they might be capable of using without becoming a danger to themselves or others.
2. Locker Room Nudists. Who doesn't hate these people? These are the people who are obviously way too comfortable with their bodies, and in general they're usually the people who shouldn't be. For God's sake, put on a towel when you walk from the shower back to your locker! And do not, under any circumstances, talk to ME while you are naked. We're not that intimate!
3. "Women" at the gym. Some of them scare me. When women start doing things like wearing weight belts and bench pressing, doing pull-ups, and curls, I get a little scared about getting too close. I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman who has more muscle mass than me. That is not a safe combination.
4. "The Bicep Bunch." Just imagine the theme song, "The Bicep Bunch, the Bicep Bunch, that's the way we became the Bicep Bunch!" There would be the t.v. screen full of the little picture squares, except instead of looking at each other and smiling they would all be looking at their flexing biceps and smiling. In that scenario I would be Alice. The Bicep Bunch has a uniform too. It consists of work boots, denim jeans and a black muscle shirt. They literally walk around the gym in groups of several guys in this identical outfit. I call them the Bicep Bunch because they're only interested in working out their upper body in hopes of impressing women. Not that impressing women is a bad goal. For most of these guys though, their bodies are disproportionate. They spend so much time on their upper body and none on their lower body that they just have little stick-like legs. I imagine in a fight they'd be pretty easy to take out if you just "sweep the leg Daniel" they'd fall on their back and like a turtle be stuck that way with their little legs flailing helplessly in the air until the rest of the Bicep Bunch flipped them over.
5. Cell Phone People. I have no freakin' idea how they can even hear anyone on their cell phones over the din of the music. The only exercise these people are getting is exercising their mouths. I'm sure they can't do real exercise because they're so winded from talking. It's always a temptation to drop a big weight on these dopes. Not that I'm carrying big weights, but maybe I could persude one of the Bicep Bunch to do it for me because after taking out their leader Karate Kid style I am now their king.
If you enjoy what you read please hit the Facebook Like or Share button. If you enjoy my nonsense and want to get a regular reading workout you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle or you can order my humorous, murder mystery novel "White Picket Prisons" for Kindle, Nook, or iPad, iPod or iPhone.
December 29, 2012
2013: The Year in Preview?
I'm not going to review the year either personally or in music, movies, or news. As is my tradition I will list the things I believe that should happen during the coming year. There isn't a single media outlet that can resist the obligatory "Year in Review" piece. Why? We all know what happened! We don't need the events ranked for us. And for crying out loud don't give us that videography set to music of the people that died this year! That's so depressing it makes me want to join that list immediately. Please fold up your tray tables and put your seats in the upright position. Here is 2013: The Year in Preview:
1. Kill the Fiscal Cliff: I vote we eliminate this phrase from the national vocabulary in 2013. Whether we go "over the fiscal cliff" or not I am tired of the phrase. It's panic mongering by a print media that is looking for something to put in the news magazines and newspapers just to stay in business a little longer before the internet and e-readers render them obsolete.
2. Flying Cars: Everybody my age was told we'd all have flying cars by now. Well?!!? Where are they? Were the Jetsons lying to us? When I was a kid the year 2013 was way into "the future" where we would all have flying cars. I want mine. Instead of working out the bugs in hybrid vehicles why can't GM or Ford get to work on a flying car. I don't care if the first flying car gets 1 mile per gallon of gas, put me on the list for one. I wonder, what happens if a flying car runs into "the cloud." Will all my iTunes come falling out?
3. An end to the "end of the world": I have "end of the world" fatigue. In 2013 I'd like to see absolutely no mention of the end of the world whether it be by Mayan prophecy, a vengeful deity, asteroids, or zombies. Which brings me to my next wish for 2013...
4. The Year of the Werewolf: We've done ghosts in The Sixth Sense, Paranormal Activity etc. We've done vampires in the form of Twilight (I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that). We've done zombies in The Walking Dead and well, just about everything. Let 2013 be the Year of the Werewolves! Yes, I know they've had a little play in the Twilight movies, but c'mon, we have yet to really dedicate a pop culture groundswell of popularity to werewolves. Books, movies, bad t.v. series on the CW, the werewolf marketing opportunities are endless!
5. Embrace Global Warming: Al Gore is a moron, well, except for inventing the internet. But how is global warming a bad thing? Put on some sunscreen and enjoy! What? The polar ice caps are melting and ocean levels are rising? Great, more water is available. We have a pipeline that runs from Alaska to the lower 48 states. If we can lay a pipe that long, why not run one from the ocean to the desert areas of Africa so they can grow some crops there! Third world hunger problem eradicated. You're welcome planet Earth.
If you have any ideas of what you think should happen in 2013 feel free to leave them in the comments below. Also, if you want more Phil in your life in 2013 you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and try my new humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons by clicking the link at the top of this page. Today you can also see my book listed on www.addictedtoebooks.com. As always, thank you for reading and if you like what you read please click the Facebook Like or Share buttons.
December 22, 2012
The Elf from Hell?
Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right? In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischeivous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 10 years ago as a new, and for some toymaking company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn't aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.
Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it's Chistmas magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "What a bunch of maroons!" The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.
Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They're terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.
I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they're torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?
This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?
Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you want to spread some holiday cheer please hit the Facebook Like or Share buttons. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or you can get my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons for your Kindle, Nook or iPad.
December 18, 2012
The Guy Code of Conduct Chapter 3: Present Buying
It's the most wonderful time of the year. Yeah, if you like mental and emotional torture. It's that time of year when we as men are put to the test. The relationship test. Well, it's not THE relationship test. There are countless relationship tests day in and day out that test our mettle as a husband, fiance or boyfriend. Buying presents for special occasions is one of those tests. Whether you celebrate Hannukah or Christmas, put on your thinking caps boys because it's time to sharpen your perceptive accumen. Make no mistake though, it's not me assuming that men have perceptive accumen, it's the women, and therein lies the problem.
Did anyone see or read The Davinci Code or any of the sequels to it? Professor Robert Langdon kept finding himself in life threatening situations in which he has to solve a mystery using obscure clues found in ancient artifacts and works of art that were usually hidden all over some city. Sounds like Christmas shopping doesn't it? Langdon had it easy though. He was only up against a murderous cult or psychotic nutcase. And if he was successful in saving the day he usually got a little nookie at the end. Still sounds like Christmas shopping to me.
Now back to that perceptive accumen. Let's hop in Peabody's Wayback Machine, destination 1989. Our hero Phil had a fiance. And a mullet.Typically those last two things are mutually exclusive. One day Phil, his fiance and his mullet were strolling merrily through a store in a mall when the fiance saw a shower massage and said, "Oh, I'd like one of those." Fast forward a month when said fiance opens her Christmas gift to find the aforementioned shower massage. And it was a damn nice shower massage too. If it was a Davinci Code novel, however, Langdon's family would be dead and he was getting no nookie. Not even in the shower. I kept the fiance, lost the mullet and stll hear that shower massage mentioned every year as an example of the worst gift buying ever.
My point is, sometimes the subtle hints women drop regarding what they want are often lost on men. It's not that we're stupid, it's that our brains work differently. Men are hard wired for action and reaction. We are hunters while women are gatherers. I've seen the pet pyschic have better luck interpreting a single woof from a one eyed, three legged basset hound with the pulse of a ficus tree. "What's that Lucky? Your owner doesn't hug you enough? You miss your siblings who were left behind at the pound? Wait, I hear a voice coming through from beyond. I think it's your grandmother. She says 'woof, woof', does that mean something to you? Wait, I'm translating, she says she didn't want a shower massage for Christmas. She wanted a rawhide chew." That's right, it's a pet pychic who channels the spirits of dead animals. And he's still more accurate at that than most men are at deciphering the byzantine, labrynthine maze of clues women leave to test us.
Getting the wrong gift ruins Christmas for everyone. If a woman isn't happy with her gift, we can tell and we feel like a jerk. Nobody wins. Often a Christmas gone wrong might go like this:
Woman: (sigh) "oh, a sweater. Thanks."
Guy: "What? What's wrong? That time when we were in the store you said you liked that sweater.You didn't mention anything else."
Woman: "Yes I did. Several times. Remember when we went out to dinner and I said I liked the dessert? Well they make the dessert with the Cuisinart 6000 Deluxe Mixmaster Turbo. And I wanted it in taupe to match my kitchen. And one of those Jane Seymour necklaces."
Guy: "What the hell is taupe? And those stupid Jane Seymour necklaces don't look anything like hearts. They look like swans."
Guys, don't stress yourself over gathering clues. Our brains aren't made they way. We're hunters. Ladies, if you want something just say it and we will go hunt it down. Yeah, I know, not a great final punchline, but c'mon, I worked in shower massages, pet psychics and Jane Seymour here, that's gotta be enough.
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