Phil Taylor's Blog: The Phil Factor, page 180
November 10, 2012
The Pop Culture Moratorium List
When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law that will allow me to place a media moratorium on 5 topics for as long as I deem appropriate. If I had that power today, this would be my list:
1. Lindsay Lohan: No offense Lindsay, but I shouldn't be able to write your Wikipedia page with just the information I've absorbed passively over the last ten years. When you accomplish something positive or constructive I will take you off this list.
2. The Duggars: Being tragically bad at birth control is not reason enough for fame. The fact that I have billions of brain cells and one of them is filled with the word "Duggar" for all of eternity infuriates me to no end.
3. Kardashians: All of them. Yes, their last name is fun to say, but can anyone name anything they've contributed to the betterment of the planet and human race? I would find a deserted island with no contact with the rest of humanity and put all the Kardashians on it until they figure out how to use their "fame" for the good of others.
4. The Fiscal Cliff: Holy crap! For a phrase that didn't exist a year ago we all know it now don't we? Guess what everyone? The country is 16 trillion in debt and if we don't start paying that back sometime...ummm...aaah...ummm...what happens? We don't know, but we're all vaguely anxious because the phrase "fiscal cliff" sounds scary and the media keeps saying it. Maybe if we think of it as a frugal guy named Clifford it won't be as scary, as in "That Fiscal Cliff is a cheapskate, but he managed to put away enough in his 401k that he can retire at 55."
5. Twitter: Apparently nothing can exist or be considered significant unless it's on Twitter, where if it can't be said in 140 characters then it doesn't need to be said. Twitter is the intellectual equivalent of eating one jelly bean after another instead of having a full meal.
Other topics on the verge of making this list: Obamacare, Gangam Style, Ben Bernanke, and Rob/Kristen/Twilight.
If you enjoy my nonsense and have no desire for a Phil moratorium you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor, and you can buy my humorous, murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons available for the Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, and in the iTunes bookstore. If you like what you read today please click the Facebook like button below.
November 3, 2012
Now Available for Nook and Kindle !
Daylight Stupid Time
When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. Not all of the other countries do this, and not all of the states in the U.S. abide by it either. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Daylight Savings Time is when we move our clocks forward an hour in the spring and move them back an hour in the fall. I think it was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn't someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay abouts can't be bothered to set their alarm clocks we are all stuck changing time.
I don't know if anyone else noticed, but about 6 or 7 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended Daylight Savings Time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn't it called Daylight Spending Time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers, except the creepy Amish ones, (I can say that because they're not reading my blog) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don't we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I'd like to save the energy I expend changing my damn clocks! I'd like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress is again proving to be the biggest collection of morons outside of...well...I guess I can't think of a bigger collection. Why doesn't Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?
In the spring Yahoo posted an article titled "Daylight Savings Time Health Risks" http://shine.yahoo.com/getup/daylight-saving-time-health-risks-231500229.html If you need this information you're an idiot. If you choose to read this article please refer to the last sentence before this one. Apparently the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks. Yeah, so where's the problem? That sounds like natural selection at work!
I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don't work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I'll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change.
If you'd like to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and purchase my full length novel White Picket Prisons which is available in the Amazon Kindle store and the iTunes bookstore for only $3.99. And if you need an extra hour in which to read it, this is your weekend!
Daylight Stupid Time
I don't know if anyone else noticed, but about 6 or 7 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended Daylight Savings Time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn't it called Daylight Spending Time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers except the creepy Amish ones (I can say that because they're not reading my blog) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. Reportedly the reason Congress is doing this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don't we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I'd like to save the energy I expend changing my damn clocks! I'd like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress is again proving to be the biggest collection of morons outside of...well...I guess I can't think of a bigger collection. Why doesn't Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?
In the spring Yahoo posted an article titled "Daylight Savings Time Health Risks" http://shine.yahoo.com/getup/daylight... If you need this information you're an idiot. If you choose to read this article please refer to the last sentence before this one. Apparently the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks. Yeah, so where's the problem? That sounds like natural selection at work!
I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don't work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I'll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change.
If you'd like to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and purchase my full length novel White Picket Prisons which is available in the Amazon Kindle store and the iTunes bookstore. And if you need an extra hour in which to read it, this is your weekend!
October 27, 2012
The Standing Dead
I had to travel for work this past week. In general I like traveling, but air travel definitely has it's drawbacks. Sometimes those drawbacks are the other passengers. The passengers that particularly frustrate me are those with wildly inaacurate imaginations. These people seem to imagine that as soon as the planes wheels hit the ground that they can leap from the seat, sashay down the aisle and exit the plane to their waiting chariot. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just one passenger who had this little exit fantasy playing in their heads. Unfortunately for the sane passengers, at least half of every planes occupants believe that they will quickly and easily exit the plane.
What actually occurs is that as soon as the plane touches the ground at least 50 people literally leap to an upright position and the overhead compartments are flung open as they engage in a tug of war with the laws of physics to get their Mini Cooper sized bag out of the tiny overhead compartment that they had compacted it into. Then as gravity takes control they usually hit at least one fellow paasenger when the bag finally pops free and plummets to the aisle. As soon as that bag hits the floor they turn and face forward impatiently. If it was just one idiot standing at the plane door impatiently tapping his foot that would be fine. Unfortunately half the plane seems to do this and then to no one's surprise they stand there for 20 minutes while we taxi and wait for a gate and then for the door to be open That's why I call them The Standing Dead. They are definitely not walking anywhere at this point. If you're a passenger wise enough to sit and wait until this airline zombie apocalypse passes you are stuck with The Standing Deads asses right at face level about a foot from your head for the interminable 20 minutes. Sure, if it's my ass someone has to look at, 20 minutes is perfectly fine, maybe a bit short in fact, but most of these Standing Dead do not appear to have been to a Zumba class recently.
If you enjoy my nonsense and want to read more you can follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor, follow me on Goodreads.com and you can find my novel White Picket Prisons in the Amazon Kindle bookstore and the iTunes bookstore. The Barnes and Noble Nook bookstore folks are taking their time preparing their system for the onslaught of Phil fans, but it will get there eventually too.
The Standing Dead
No, this isn't about the Zombie apocalypse show on AMC. It's about airline passengers. Do I really need to capitalize Zombie? Who will be offended if I don't, zombies? When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, which both happen in November, I'm going to change a lot of things about how the airlines are run.
I had to travel for work this past week. In general I like traveling, but air travel definitely has it's drawbacks. Sometimes those drawbacks are the other passengers. The passengers that particularly frustrate me are those with wildly inaacurate imaginations. These people seem to imagine that as soon as the planes wheels hit the ground that they can leap from the seat, sashay down the aisle and exit the plane to their waiting chariot. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just one passenger who had this little exit fantasy playing in their heads. Unfortunately for the sane passengers, at least half of every planes occupants believe that they will quickly and easily exit the plane.
What actually occurs is that as soon as the plane touches the ground at least 50 people literally leap to an upright position and the overhead compartments are flung open as they engage in a tug of war with the laws of physics to get their Mini Cooper sized bag out of the tiny overhead compartment that they had compacted it into. Then as gravity takes control they usually hit at least one fellow paasenger when the bag finally pops free and plummets to the aisle. As soon as that bag hits the floor they turn and face forward impatiently. If it was just one idiot standing at the plane door impatiently tapping his foot that would be fine. Unfortunately half the plane seems to do this and then to no one's surprise they stand there for 20 minutes while we taxi and wait for a gate and then for the door to be open That's why I call them The Standing Dead. They are definitely not walking anywhere at this point. If you're a passenger wise enough to sit and wait until this airline zombie apocalypse passes you are stuck with The Standing Deads asses right at face level about a foot from your head for the interminable 20 minutes. Sure, if it's my ass someone has to look at, 20 minutes is perfectly fine, maybe a bit short in fact, but most of these Standing Dead do not appear to have been to a Zumba class recently.
If you enjoy my nonsense and want to read more you can follow me on Twiiter @ThePhilFactor, follow me on Goodreads.com and you can find my novel White Picket Prisons in the Amazon Kindle bookstore and the iTunes bookstore. The Barnes and Noble Nook bookstore folks are taking their time preparing their system for the onslaught of Phil fans, but it will get there eventually too.
October 21, 2012
And Your Next President Is...
"Don't wanna be an American idiot. One nation controlled by the media. Information nation of hysteria. It's going out to idiot America." -Green Day Every spring America votes and chooses their next alleged singing superstar. Over 63 million votes are cast. As has been widely reported, that number is more than any President in history has ever received. American Idol is so popular that the Fox network has runs it two nights a week for 4 months and wins the ratings time slot every time.
"Idol," as the fans call it, is talked about in every workplace, reported on in every newspaper, and mentioned on every news program. America feels passionately about their right to choose. There has been nothing since World War II that has united Americans the way that Idol has. Even if you don't watch it, you know it exists and most likely you know the names. This next statement is supposition on my part, but I defy anyone to find evidence to the contrary: More Americans can name the American Idol judges and Ryan Seacrest than can name the Vice-President. Technology has made Americans lazy. Unless we can see it on a little, glowing screen "it" makes little impact upon our lives. There is a very real possibility that physical newspapers, books, and magazines will be something our grandchildren will only read about on history websites. Equally obsolete is the American electoral system. We've elected the head of our country, the so-called leader of the free world, by the same method for 150 years. My question is, how do we get voters as interested and motivated to participate in our political system like they do in Ameriocan Idol?
The answer is simple. Why not make our Presidential election more modern? Why not choose our President the way we choose our American Idol? Let's make it a t.v. show where voters can call, I.M., or text message our votes as many times as we want as we narrow the field down to two candidates. With our current system Americans have very little say in who the final two Presidential candidates are. I want the choice back! The t.v. show, American President, could have auditions in several cities with a panel of intelligent but entertaining judges weeding out the obvious losers. Sure, we'd have a few William Hungs, Crazy Daves or Taylor Hicks, but after our last few Presidents who's to say we didn't already elect the equivalent? And why the heck not have a talent part of the competition too? Who doesn't want to see Barack perform magic tricks and Mitt juggling?
If politics were more entertaining, more people would be informed and invested in voting. And yes, I am proposing that people get to vote more than once if they want to. Why not? If you care that passionately about your candidate that you'll spend two hours a week text messaging then you deserve more say in the outcome than the lump who sits on their couch eating cheetos and won't lift a finger except to lick that orange stuff off. I can't imagine anything more entertaining and suspenseful than to hear Ryan Seacrest say, "America voted and I'm going to tell you who your next President will be....after the break."
If you enjoy my nonsense feel free to vote by leaving a comment and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons which will be available on Amazon literally any minute now.
October 13, 2012
When I am Elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive...
When I am elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive the political season is going to change by virtue of the newly enacted Phil Laws. What are the Phil Laws you ask? The Phil Laws are a set of laws that I will unilaterally impose without interference from Congress, the Senate or anyone. That's the first law. These laws will impose common sense upon a broken world by addressing virtually any issue I see fit to correct from doing away with paper check writing to eliminating daylight savings time to having every public bathroom stall the size of the handicapped stalls.I could write pages on the Phil Laws, but today I'm going to address the political campaign season.
1. No more political ads on television: They're not entertaining. They're not factual, and it's not even possible that every candidate is a former serial killer litterbug. No more t.v. commercials. Just get some bumper stickers and set up a website and if we're interested we'll go look at it.
2. No more prime time debates: We're already angry enough at the politicians. Why do they feel the need to further enrage us by disrupting the new episodes of our favorite shows just when the fall season is getting underway. When the Phil Laws take effect all political debates will occur during the evening news. It's what the evening news is going to talk about the day off and day after anyway.
3. No more political parties. One, don't call them parties. These two groups are not even remotely fun. Two, virtually every politician has flipped flopped back and forth between parties in their career so who knows what their beliefs are anyway. No more party affiliations. Tell us what you plan to do when you're elected and if we like your ideas better than the other candidate we'll vote for you.
4. The Presidential Age Limit: Currently the law requires that you be 35 years of age to become President. Why? Do we suddenly become smarter at 35 than we were at 30 or 25? You know what? If I'm in college and I can't get the job I want until I'm 35 years old then I'm going to pick another major. That's why the geniuses behind Angry Birds and Facebook are doing what they do. Are you telling me those silicon valley software tycoons who are millionaires by the time they're 28 aren't smart? Those are the people I want solving the worlds problems for me. The Phil Laws will lower the Presidential age limit to 25 and put a cap on the upper age a President can be. It's a medical fact that our cognition, memory, and reaction time all start decreasing as we age. Why are we electing the people who are more likely to have a decline in their functioning in office? I say top it at 60 years and give them a nice pension. To those that would cry age discrimination I would say that the Presidency is too important to risk on someone who is losing brain cells at an alarming rate AND isn't it already age discrimination to say someone under 35 can't do the job?
Thank you very much. You've been a wonderful audience. Drive safely. If you enjoy my nonsense you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle.and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons coming to the Kindle, Nook, and iPad by the end of October.
August 17, 2012
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
I know Valentine's Day is months away, but it's never too early to start advertising and decorating for the next holiday is it? When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first I intend to pass a law that limits how early advertising and holiday decorating can be done. Each year the holiday toy commercials and in store decorations force themselves into our lives earlier and earlier. There is absolutely no reason for advertisers and stores to begin Christmas preparations before Labor Day.
I love Halloween as much as the next guy, but I don't want to start thinking about it in July the way my local supermarket seems to. The local Halloween costume store is already open! And yes, Christmas is a big holiday for those that celebrate it, but there is absolutely no reason Christmas should be able to steamroll over virtually every other holiday that occurs in the previous four months. Those other holidays all have merit and earned their way onto the calendar, so let's not forget them. My new holiday Phil Law will simply state, "There can be no advertising or in store decorating for a holiday until the holiday immediately preceding it has concluded." This way all the advertisers will have August to sell us our end of summer products such as rakes, leaf bags, sweaters, and beer and nachos to celebrate the beginning of the American football season.
Then, as soon as Labor Day is over they are allowed to focus on Columbus Day. That's right, it's always important to celebrate the explorer who was the third guy to find North America but took credit for being first. The dimwit was heading for India and ran into a landmass about 6000 miles long from top to bottom. That was some shrewd sailing. The only way he could have missed hitting it was if he tied Leonardo DeCaprio to the front of his ship and found the nearest iceberg. He didn't even find a way around it! His trip was a total failure when you look at the goal he had when he set out. Yup, he definitely deserves a holiday. Then, only after Columbus Day can stores put Halloween costumes on their shelves. It's never too early to start worshipping Satan.
Of course after we're done with our evil, pagan holiday can we move onto to planning for the holiday that celebrates what we really worship, eating. Honestly, Thanksgiving is a holiday all about eating a giant meal. Who really, sincerely thinks about what they're thankful for on that day? I mean besides the thought, "I'm thankful I got one of the turkey legs this year." If I'm going to have a holiday centered on a really good meal, I am not going to eat turkey and stuffing. If turkey and stuffing are such a treat then why the hell don't we eat them the rest of the year? Why aren't there restaurant chains serving them year round? If there's going to be a holiday that's centered on a big meal, why not pizza and wings? When I'm President or Sexiest Man alive, whichever comes first, I am definitely declaring a pizza and wings holiday. Phil Day I think we'll call it.
Then finally at midnight on Thanksgiving should we be able to begin the Christmas season. It could be a national event. All the family and friends who get together for the Thanksgiving meal could stay up like on New Years Eve and at midnight cable channels can begin airing "It's A Wonderful Life." Every house in the neighborhood could turn on their Christmas lights at midnight. The first t.v. ads for Fondle Me Elmo could air during that first "Wonderful Life" commercial break. Stores could open at midnight with special sales. Carson Daly could host a "Ringing In The Holidays" t.v. special that airs live, showing cities across the world lighting their city Christmas tree and shooting off fireworks. That's how to have a holiday season. With advertising and store displays started in August, Christmas has become almost tiresome by the time it arrives. The day itself is an anti-climax after the four month build-up. With my plan each holiday will get it's due and Christmas will still have the fanfare it deserves. Yes, I realize how ethnocentric this post is in regards to the penultimate Christian holiday, but that is just another example of how it dominates our culture at the expense of other holidays and religions. Don't worry, I'm working on my post about how Ramadan is way too commercialized as well. And don't even get me started on Yom Kippur.
As a Christmas, Hannukah, or Ramadan present to yourself you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor. And if you like what you read feel free to click the Facebook "Like" button below.
June 10, 2012
Selfishly Giving the Gift of Life
Our story begins with our hero walking into the crowded waiting room of the local American Red Cross office. Every seat in the waiting room is full as he approaches the desk and accepts the obligatory "What You Need To Know Before Donating" packet of information from the 107 year old volunteer. He quickly scans the notebook pages pretending to read. He's donated blood many times before, so none of this information is news to him. He notes with mild interest that there seems to be new questions regarding Mad Cow disease and visiting England in the past 25 years. England, apparently still sore about that whole Revolutionary War fiasco 230 years ago, has been exporting Mad Cow disease to the States. I turn my packet back in to the volunteer and look around, mentally counting how many people are ahead of me. Fortunately two of the waiting room denizens appear to be there as spectators for a young lady who is having trouble maintaining her state of consciousness while donating. I settle in to a recently vacated chair and open my cell phone to play a game to pass the time.
The two elderly volunteers, Ma and Pa Kettle as I'm beginning to think of them, lean on the desk making small talk with each other and anyone who makes eye contact. To my right a young woman speaks up, "Excuse me, but I had a 5:00 appointment and I've been waiting a half hour." Pa Kettle responds with the usual platitudes about how busy the day has been and that she's next on the list and will be taken ASAP. The young woman, who's voice seems to get more grating each time she speaks, responds, "Well, what's the point of making an appointment if no one is going to be seen on time? I might as well just walk in whenever I feel like it." The rabble rouser's husband/boyfriend/lap dog chips in, "They always book more appointments than they should because a lot of people don't show up." Again Pa Kettle attempts to placate them, but the young woman is undeterred as she relates the story of her tardy dentist and how she won't schedule with her doctor on a Monday because of all the weekend illness people who back up the schedule on Mondays. Her lap dog of a husband, apparently eager to stay on her good side in hopes that the lack of blood will make her loopy enough later that she'll actually deign to have sex with him, again pipes in with his brilliant theory about overbooking. Pa Kettle offers to let her fill out a survey after she donates. She continues to whine. Like some sort of philanthropic Rainman, lap dog boy again restates his position on their scheduling policy. Pa Kettle tells the woman that he'll include her comments on his end of day report in the "customer concerns" section. This exchange goes on a good 10 minutes as the rest of the waiting room watches, our heads bobbing from side to side with each volley, as if we're at a tennis match. By now I'm tempted to raise my hand and say, "Excuse me, if I'm ever in an accident don't give me her blood. I'm pretty sure it's spoiled."
Sorry for the delay in getting back to blogging. The clamoring for a new installment of The Phil Factor was deafening. As always, if you can't donate blood you can help other by subscribing to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and by following me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.
