Jonny Cox's Blog, page 8
December 21, 2012
....Sat in the corner...
Well, I wasn't as lonely as I had anticipated. In fact, I sold quite a few books. Oddly, given the title of my book, I sold as many copies to women as I did to men? It was the Friday before Christmas and folk were buying presents, I suppose. At least that was what they said.
"That book looks a bit rude," said a silver haired lady of later middle age.
"Well, it is," I had to admit.
"Oh good, I'll have one," she said.
I also spent a long while learning about human behaviour. Why do people walk into a bookstore with their phone plugged in their ear as if they are on a crucial mission to save the world? Why do young people avoid contact and why do people stop to ask about the book and then go buy it from Amazon?
Still, the shop manager said that for a first time author, I did okay. The local paper took my picture so hopefully it will have been worth the effort.
Afternote: The newspaper must have had a quiet news week since they did a quite a big spread; http://www.biggleswadetoday.co.uk/new...
Seeing yourself in print or online is an odd experience that does not immediately invoke the sentiments that you had anticipated: I did not realise what a big nose I have.
"That book looks a bit rude," said a silver haired lady of later middle age.
"Well, it is," I had to admit.
"Oh good, I'll have one," she said.
I also spent a long while learning about human behaviour. Why do people walk into a bookstore with their phone plugged in their ear as if they are on a crucial mission to save the world? Why do young people avoid contact and why do people stop to ask about the book and then go buy it from Amazon?
Still, the shop manager said that for a first time author, I did okay. The local paper took my picture so hopefully it will have been worth the effort.
Afternote: The newspaper must have had a quiet news week since they did a quite a big spread; http://www.biggleswadetoday.co.uk/new...
Seeing yourself in print or online is an odd experience that does not immediately invoke the sentiments that you had anticipated: I did not realise what a big nose I have.
December 13, 2012
There's no such thing as bad publicity...
...but no publicity at all when you are trying to arrange a book signing is definitely bad. This oft cited phrase of uncertain origin has almost achieved proverbial status but the truth of it is that I can not get the exposure I need. Maybe I should streak through the streets of Bedford; it worked for Lady Godiva. But I don’t have a horse and, on a cold winter’s day, my streaking is unlikely to impress anyone.
It was all going well: Waterstones gave me a slot on the Friday before Christmas, local pubs were posting flyers and the local newspaper was going to interview me. Then they realised that I don’t live in Bedford so they turned away. I can imagine myself sat on my own in the bookstore trying to convince Old Mrs Miggins that Mr Miggins would much rather receive a book entitled ‘The Trouble With Girls’ than another Jamie Oliver cookbook; how many ways can you cook a chicken?
I once saw an author doing a signing in Waterstones. She was sat all alone in the corner and I bought her book out of pity. Now I have a signed copy of a book on glamour in the 20th Century. Perhaps that will work for me; I’ll get people to pity me.
Maybe I should streak through the streets of Bedford.
It was all going well: Waterstones gave me a slot on the Friday before Christmas, local pubs were posting flyers and the local newspaper was going to interview me. Then they realised that I don’t live in Bedford so they turned away. I can imagine myself sat on my own in the bookstore trying to convince Old Mrs Miggins that Mr Miggins would much rather receive a book entitled ‘The Trouble With Girls’ than another Jamie Oliver cookbook; how many ways can you cook a chicken?
I once saw an author doing a signing in Waterstones. She was sat all alone in the corner and I bought her book out of pity. Now I have a signed copy of a book on glamour in the 20th Century. Perhaps that will work for me; I’ll get people to pity me.
Maybe I should streak through the streets of Bedford.
November 14, 2012
Shared Experience
Writing is a solitary experience. Head down, staring at the screen, hands trying to keep up the pace of thoughts which race ahead; sometimes in logical flow, other times in confused torrents. It could not really be any other way. Indeed, I think that's why I enjoy writing so much.
Getting published is not. It's a group experience with many competing interests and influences. There are many analogies to child birth. The result is something new, of course, but its similarity is that the creation of a book is largely done in private, like conceiving a child, but the publication of it is something that involves many people, like the delivery of a child in hospital.
Also, the author, like prospective parents, is urged to trust the professionals; the agent, the editor and publisher. But what does an author do when that goes wrong, when the professionals turn out to be charlatans or even fraudsters, albeit unwitting ones?
Fortunately, there is help for the author locked in solitary confinement. He just needs to raise his head, lift himself out of his self-imposed exile. Here's one I wished I'd found earlier.
http://accrispin.blogspot.co.uk/
Getting published is not. It's a group experience with many competing interests and influences. There are many analogies to child birth. The result is something new, of course, but its similarity is that the creation of a book is largely done in private, like conceiving a child, but the publication of it is something that involves many people, like the delivery of a child in hospital.
Also, the author, like prospective parents, is urged to trust the professionals; the agent, the editor and publisher. But what does an author do when that goes wrong, when the professionals turn out to be charlatans or even fraudsters, albeit unwitting ones?
Fortunately, there is help for the author locked in solitary confinement. He just needs to raise his head, lift himself out of his self-imposed exile. Here's one I wished I'd found earlier.
http://accrispin.blogspot.co.uk/
November 6, 2012
Getting Published
Writing a book is a wonderfully satisfying experience. The last full stop is the culmination of dreams, work, sustained aspiration and a great deal of emotional investment. Getting published, however, is a soul destroying experience. Publishers are not interested in new authors, they insist on using an agent, literary agents are people of smug arrogance and the combined effect is a closed door.
Last year, Dame Stella Rimmington at the Booker awards likened the publishing industry to The Kremlin at the height of the Cold War; impossible to penetrate.
My experience has been worse than that. I spent a year trying to find an agent to represent me. Most appeared to dismiss me and my work without having considered it. Agencies seem to fall into two categories: young Oxbridge graduates who seem to delight in dismissing people out of hand or middle aged, middle class buffoons who wear red trousers.
So when I met an agent who showed interest in my book I was easily swayed by promises of help in publishing and promoting my work. He ineptly tried to place my book with mainstream houses which were never going to publish a book about sexual adventure and military misadventure. Then he recommended an expensive publishing option which was, in retrospect, never going to be cost effective. it's easy to say this after the event but I trusted my agent! The only reason I can think of that he would suggest this course of action is because he benefits financially from it; the publisher must pay him to recommend them. I have not confirmed this yet but will do so. I have spoken to lawyers who share my suspicion.
The moral of my story is be careful whom you trust and never, ever trust a man called Darin Jewell. Quite apart from his morally bankrupt business model, his approach seems close to fraud and is, in any case, very weak. I had to rewrite the press release that he drafted. To be fair, he did immediately waive his commission rights when I challenged him but he had already taken £300 off me in upfront fees and whatever he received from the publisher. I am not sure of this yet but will confirm.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-Girls...
Last year, Dame Stella Rimmington at the Booker awards likened the publishing industry to The Kremlin at the height of the Cold War; impossible to penetrate.
My experience has been worse than that. I spent a year trying to find an agent to represent me. Most appeared to dismiss me and my work without having considered it. Agencies seem to fall into two categories: young Oxbridge graduates who seem to delight in dismissing people out of hand or middle aged, middle class buffoons who wear red trousers.
So when I met an agent who showed interest in my book I was easily swayed by promises of help in publishing and promoting my work. He ineptly tried to place my book with mainstream houses which were never going to publish a book about sexual adventure and military misadventure. Then he recommended an expensive publishing option which was, in retrospect, never going to be cost effective. it's easy to say this after the event but I trusted my agent! The only reason I can think of that he would suggest this course of action is because he benefits financially from it; the publisher must pay him to recommend them. I have not confirmed this yet but will do so. I have spoken to lawyers who share my suspicion.
The moral of my story is be careful whom you trust and never, ever trust a man called Darin Jewell. Quite apart from his morally bankrupt business model, his approach seems close to fraud and is, in any case, very weak. I had to rewrite the press release that he drafted. To be fair, he did immediately waive his commission rights when I challenged him but he had already taken £300 off me in upfront fees and whatever he received from the publisher. I am not sure of this yet but will confirm.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-Girls...
October 24, 2012
I just want to feel...
Men feel estranged by a lack of sex in a relationship. Is a lack of intimacy more alienating than the lack of sex? Perhaps, but certainly one, or other, sentiment is destructive and several posters to an online men's forum that I use are considering affairs, prostitutes or leaving home because they just don't feel loved.
I went to Mumsnet because I thought it was a good place to seek a woman's perspective and to try and make women aware of how damaging this is to a relationship. Perhaps I got the pitch wrong for it appears that I have been blacklisted; my posts are deleted automatically.
The thread was that a woman should leave her husband because he'd been to a strip club. There was lots of diatribe about sexploitation, etc, and that such a bloke can't be trusted. I suggested that strip clubs are mere animation and that the best way to ensure a man's commitment is to make sure he's getting enough action at home. The thread continued (at length) and it was quite scary reading some of the posts: Virginia Woolf seems quite chilled by comparison.
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relations...
There was another thread as to whether or not a woman should make a sex tape with her boyfriend. The consensus was negative because he might show it to other people. I suggested that if she was concerned about other people seeing it, she should put on a good performance like 'When Harry Met Sally'.
I am not expecting a Christmas card from MumsNet.
They also said my book was likely to be misogynistic crap!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-Girls...
I went to Mumsnet because I thought it was a good place to seek a woman's perspective and to try and make women aware of how damaging this is to a relationship. Perhaps I got the pitch wrong for it appears that I have been blacklisted; my posts are deleted automatically.
The thread was that a woman should leave her husband because he'd been to a strip club. There was lots of diatribe about sexploitation, etc, and that such a bloke can't be trusted. I suggested that strip clubs are mere animation and that the best way to ensure a man's commitment is to make sure he's getting enough action at home. The thread continued (at length) and it was quite scary reading some of the posts: Virginia Woolf seems quite chilled by comparison.
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relations...
There was another thread as to whether or not a woman should make a sex tape with her boyfriend. The consensus was negative because he might show it to other people. I suggested that if she was concerned about other people seeing it, she should put on a good performance like 'When Harry Met Sally'.
I am not expecting a Christmas card from MumsNet.
They also said my book was likely to be misogynistic crap!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-Girls...
October 8, 2012
Chores Need to be Done
Apparently, some women find having sex to be a chore. Married men often realise this within a few years of marriage and recent research seems to prove it. Women acknowledge it themselves:
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/relation...
They also acknowledge that a lack of sex leads to friction and sometimes the culmination of a relationship. Many of my past relationships failed through lack of carnal activity. A lack of sex also causes a man to look elsewhere, which is something else women acknowledge but often don't do much to rectify the situation.
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/relation...
Cognisance of the problem does not necessarily lead to a solution; women still seem to use sex as a bartering mechanism. I don't like shopping. All that aimless wandering about with no obvious climax to the event feels like a chore but I still do it and I smile whilst doing it. Sex is very similar, I suppose and from a bloke's perspective, the fact that sex might feel like a chore is not an excuse to abstain; chores need to be done.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-Girls...?
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/relation...
They also acknowledge that a lack of sex leads to friction and sometimes the culmination of a relationship. Many of my past relationships failed through lack of carnal activity. A lack of sex also causes a man to look elsewhere, which is something else women acknowledge but often don't do much to rectify the situation.
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/relation...
Cognisance of the problem does not necessarily lead to a solution; women still seem to use sex as a bartering mechanism. I don't like shopping. All that aimless wandering about with no obvious climax to the event feels like a chore but I still do it and I smile whilst doing it. Sex is very similar, I suppose and from a bloke's perspective, the fact that sex might feel like a chore is not an excuse to abstain; chores need to be done.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Trouble-Girls...?
September 26, 2012
Vicarious sex?
Why is Fifty Shades so popular? The reviews on Amazon are roughly split with half saying it’s a great read and half decrying the book as rubbish. It’s badly written and full of ridiculous metaphors, apparently (I haven’t read it).
My wife bought it “to see what all the fuss is about”. It confuses me as to why women buy a book about sado-masochism and female exploitation when it is not something they seem to actually want for themselves.
Are women looking to see what they are missing? I would find that very frustrating. I have been involved with a lot of women and, with very few (interesting) exceptions, most have lacked a sense of adventure; certainly not for pain. A couple even insisted on the light being off. Only two girls wanted me to phone a friend (one did want me to ask the audience), and most did not feel that being spanked was going to add any value to sex.
I remember reading at Uni that Sigmund Freud's theory was that everybody has subconscious desires. Those of us that act upon them become labelled perverts but those of us who suppress their natural instincts become neurotic. So, after she had finished the book, I suggested to my wife that being tied up and spanked might be good for her emotional balance.
She said I was a pervert.
A contributor to an online bloke's forum I read said that the naughtiest thing his wife did was forget to empty the bin when it was her turn. His view was that women will do whatever the rest of the flock does, no matter how ridiculous. He also applied this theory to Ugg boots, pashminas, giant handbags, bug-eye sunglasses . . .
This perspective was clearly tongue in cheek but still a little simplistic. Perhaps the attraction of this book, and the plethora of band-wagon titles, is because it is an essentially vicarious relationship? Perhaps women prefer to experience the anticipation, excitement and pain of adventurous sex through the feelings of another woman. Do women get more turned on by reading about sexual encounters than actually having them? Then they can keep their slippers on.
I fear that the trouble with girls is that we blokes will never quite understand. I think we're meant to work it out for ourselves.
My wife bought it “to see what all the fuss is about”. It confuses me as to why women buy a book about sado-masochism and female exploitation when it is not something they seem to actually want for themselves.
Are women looking to see what they are missing? I would find that very frustrating. I have been involved with a lot of women and, with very few (interesting) exceptions, most have lacked a sense of adventure; certainly not for pain. A couple even insisted on the light being off. Only two girls wanted me to phone a friend (one did want me to ask the audience), and most did not feel that being spanked was going to add any value to sex.
I remember reading at Uni that Sigmund Freud's theory was that everybody has subconscious desires. Those of us that act upon them become labelled perverts but those of us who suppress their natural instincts become neurotic. So, after she had finished the book, I suggested to my wife that being tied up and spanked might be good for her emotional balance.
She said I was a pervert.
A contributor to an online bloke's forum I read said that the naughtiest thing his wife did was forget to empty the bin when it was her turn. His view was that women will do whatever the rest of the flock does, no matter how ridiculous. He also applied this theory to Ugg boots, pashminas, giant handbags, bug-eye sunglasses . . .
This perspective was clearly tongue in cheek but still a little simplistic. Perhaps the attraction of this book, and the plethora of band-wagon titles, is because it is an essentially vicarious relationship? Perhaps women prefer to experience the anticipation, excitement and pain of adventurous sex through the feelings of another woman. Do women get more turned on by reading about sexual encounters than actually having them? Then they can keep their slippers on.
I fear that the trouble with girls is that we blokes will never quite understand. I think we're meant to work it out for ourselves.
September 25, 2012
A Different Sort of Trouble
It seems, however, that as relationships mature, the trouble with girls is that they seem to stop wanting sex. Marriage does not necessarily exacerbate this but parenthood certainly seems to. Mums are 'too tired'.
I came to fatherhood late in life (40s) and have seen many of my friends go through this. Now I am in the same situation I have some empathy with them. A friend recently told me that he had heard on the radio that a woman's libido declines during a relationship while the male's stays the same, inevitably causing conflct. He gave his personal opinion that the woman's libido becomes none existent and you need an ice axe to break through the frozen outer surface. He’s clearly having a hard time.
I also read some research recently which confirmed a view I have long held that there is a gene code that kicks in to stop a woman's libido once she has given up having children. This is to protect the current crop of youngsters. You see it in the animal world, lions for example, where the female is very grumpy and aggressive towards males until her cubs have left. Then she lifts her tail and takes it from behind like a good girl. Of course, in the human species, by the time the offspring have cleared off the parents are far too gone to bother.
When my wife read Fifty Shades of Grey, I was hopeful that she might be interested in more adventurous sex but she still refuses to be spanked. I have heard men say that women subconsciously use sex as a bartering mechanism. That makes blokes like prisoners on restriction of priveledges and unless we empty the bin, hoover the lounge, make lunch, rub feet (the list is long) there's no chance.
Oh well, time for late night movies.
I came to fatherhood late in life (40s) and have seen many of my friends go through this. Now I am in the same situation I have some empathy with them. A friend recently told me that he had heard on the radio that a woman's libido declines during a relationship while the male's stays the same, inevitably causing conflct. He gave his personal opinion that the woman's libido becomes none existent and you need an ice axe to break through the frozen outer surface. He’s clearly having a hard time.
I also read some research recently which confirmed a view I have long held that there is a gene code that kicks in to stop a woman's libido once she has given up having children. This is to protect the current crop of youngsters. You see it in the animal world, lions for example, where the female is very grumpy and aggressive towards males until her cubs have left. Then she lifts her tail and takes it from behind like a good girl. Of course, in the human species, by the time the offspring have cleared off the parents are far too gone to bother.
When my wife read Fifty Shades of Grey, I was hopeful that she might be interested in more adventurous sex but she still refuses to be spanked. I have heard men say that women subconsciously use sex as a bartering mechanism. That makes blokes like prisoners on restriction of priveledges and unless we empty the bin, hoover the lounge, make lunch, rub feet (the list is long) there's no chance.
Oh well, time for late night movies.
June 24, 2012
Ego v Libido
I was never sure whether it was my ego or libido that got me into so much trouble with girls. When I was younger they were as bad as each other in egging me on to do things that I knew I would regret:
“Hi!” A girl was suddenly stood next to me late in a nightclub once, many years ago. She was a big girl and not pretty. I smiled in drunken politeness. “You not managed to pull anyone?” she asked.I shrugged.
“I’m not very good at chat ups. I never know what to say.”
“Me neither,” she said. “So let’s just go together?”
I was not expecting that. I have never understood why women are prepared to face the social stigma and physical risks associated with one night stands simply not be on their own the next morning. I went home with her. Obviously I did want to get laid, even with this unlovely stranger, and my libido was calling the moves. I excused myself for being drunk: the fruit with which Eve tempted Adam must surely have been well fermented.
There was no romance, seduction, or even much foreplay. In fact, there was very little mutual interest but the act of copulation was necessary to justify our being together. Never before, or since, have I had such a loveless coupling, bereft of compassion or even sympathy.
It got worse. I squeezed one of her breasts too firmly and she grunted manfully.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s okay,” she replied, “I quite like it.”
“What?”
“I like it rough.”
I felt the Devil’s hand on my shoulder. I slapped her. She moaned and tried to hit me back but I caught her arm, slapping her again with my other hand. Then ensued a most terrible episode, my slaps and her groans increasing with corresponding vehemence. As I stole away in the morning I was fearful that the daylight would burn me up. At least I knew that libido was the governing force; my ego certainly got nothing out of it.
“Hi!” A girl was suddenly stood next to me late in a nightclub once, many years ago. She was a big girl and not pretty. I smiled in drunken politeness. “You not managed to pull anyone?” she asked.I shrugged.
“I’m not very good at chat ups. I never know what to say.”
“Me neither,” she said. “So let’s just go together?”
I was not expecting that. I have never understood why women are prepared to face the social stigma and physical risks associated with one night stands simply not be on their own the next morning. I went home with her. Obviously I did want to get laid, even with this unlovely stranger, and my libido was calling the moves. I excused myself for being drunk: the fruit with which Eve tempted Adam must surely have been well fermented.
There was no romance, seduction, or even much foreplay. In fact, there was very little mutual interest but the act of copulation was necessary to justify our being together. Never before, or since, have I had such a loveless coupling, bereft of compassion or even sympathy.
It got worse. I squeezed one of her breasts too firmly and she grunted manfully.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s okay,” she replied, “I quite like it.”
“What?”
“I like it rough.”
I felt the Devil’s hand on my shoulder. I slapped her. She moaned and tried to hit me back but I caught her arm, slapping her again with my other hand. Then ensued a most terrible episode, my slaps and her groans increasing with corresponding vehemence. As I stole away in the morning I was fearful that the daylight would burn me up. At least I knew that libido was the governing force; my ego certainly got nothing out of it.
June 20, 2012
Just somebody that I used to know.
I saw Violet recently at a meeting in Town. She obviously wasn't dressed as Violet, in stockings and figure sculpting maid's outfit, but the sobre business suit could not mask the distant memory of a dominant submissive who once captivated me for sevaral hours of intense excitment. But she blanked me completely. I said hello and she could not avoid that contact but then she pointedly sat with her back to me in the meeting. It was a bit like being at school; being ignored by a girl for some trivial matter. But should I have expected greater acknowledgement after 14 years of no contact? And why did it matter? I have no interest in her now other than as someone I used to know and perhaps that was it, as the song implies, she was not prepared to be that person. Perhaps she blanked me because I am just someone she used to know and now has no interest in. Actually, I think it was just my ego, which is like an annoying bloke that seems to follow me around. Along with my libido, it has got me into a lot of trouble with girls. On rare occasions the two forces have led me to places that I did not want to be at, and from where I escaped the following morning by sloping off before she woke, wearing my shame like an old overcoat.
