Jonelle Patrick's Blog, page 75
June 14, 2013
My Beautiful Handwashed Trash
Check this out. I totally have the cleanest trash in all the land. If I lived in America, (this would be some weird parallel universe America that has the same insane garbage rules as Japan, which require that recyclables be CLEAN before they are put out for collection on the appointed day), I’d have put these mother-lovin’ jars that used to be full of super old frozen leftovers in my dishwasher. But because I live in Japan, (land of nearly Amish austerity when it comes to making life easier for kitchen slaves) I had to HANDWASH every single one of these little flockers.
And why? you may ask. Because if I didn’t, my Recyclable Glass would have been publicly rejected by the Garbage Police, who roam the streets rejecting improperly prepared and/or sorted trash. (See below for example of my neighbor’s transgressions, spelled out on unnecessarily bright notices and pinned to the bag like some sort of environmental dog shaming).
A Whole New Kind Of Fast Food
If you’ve got a need for speed when lunchtime rolls around, what could be faster than a couple of bullet train rice balls? And just so you don’t have to be up at 5:00 a.m. with your tweezers and nail scissors, this little bento-making set comes complete with a mold for the sticky rice and seaweed cutters for punching out perfect windows and trim!
June 12, 2013
What’s Long & Skinny And Not What You Think It Is?
Hey, I was visiting the Togenuki Jizo and I got you a present.
Wow, thanks. What is it?
Guess.
Oh no. On second thought, I don’t want it. It’s something weird, I just know it.
It’s not weird! I swear, after you try it, you won’t be able to live without it.
What’s this writing on the end? It says “Harada’s Utricularia bifida species of bladderwort.”
What? Give me that. You idiot, you’ve been overstudying your kanji again. That’s the most obscure reading ever. It says “Harada’s Ear Pick.”
Ear pick? You mean you use it to…ewww, gross!
You won’t say that after you try it. In fact, you’re going to beg me to tell you where I bought it, so you can buy them as presents for everyone you know back home. Go on, give it a try.
Well, okay, I’ll be right back…
…So, what did you think?
Where can I buy more?
At the temple where people come to ask the Togenuki Jizo to cure their ailments, this artisan sets up shop, carving bamboo ear cleaners. After he shapes each one, he hardens it on the little barbeque behind him. The ear cleaners come in various shapes and sizes, and are made to order. It takes about forty minutes, and costs around ¥2000.
If you want to visit the ear pick carver or see other delights such as The Honorable Duck Butt of Sugamo or the Big Red Underwear store the next time you’re in Tokyo, directions to Koshinzuka Street are on my website, The Tokyo Guide I Wish I’d Had.
June 10, 2013
Job Description: Wizard of Oz
It’s amazing that a Japanese train ticket machine has never been in the running when it’s time to elect a new pope, because they are about as close to infallible as a machine can get. You stick in your money, and – unlike the ticket machine I once encountered in San Francisco, which rained down $14.00 IN CHANGE like some sort of demented Vegas slot machine – even if you put in a ¥10,000 note (the equivalent of a hundred dollar bill), the machine spits out nice neat yen notes and perfect change along with your ticket.
But surely no machine can be THAT perfect! What happens when The Great And Mighty Oz DOES make a mistake? Well, hidden behind a notice so ordinary it’s the perfect disguise is…a secret door! And behind the little door is…Super Fixer! Yes, a real live train station employee stands behind the bank of ticket machines, making sure the cash is topped up in the change-making part, emptying the avalanche of money that comes in during the day, and being on call in case something goes wrong! Who knew?
The Wizard of Oz Lives!
It’s amazing that a Japanese train ticket machine has never been in the running when it’s time to elect a new pope, because they are about as close to infallible as a machine can get. You stick in your money, and – unlike the ticket machine I once encountered in San Francisco, which rained down $14.00 IN CHANGE like some sort of demented Vegas slot machine – even if you put in a ¥10,000 note (the equivalent of a hundred dollar bill), the machine spits out nice neat yen notes and perfect change along with your ticket.
But surely no machine can be THAT perfect! What happens when The Great And Mighty Oz DOES make a mistake? Well, hidden behind a notice so ordinary it’s the perfect disguise is…a secret door! And behind the little door is…Super Fixer! Yes, a real live train station employee stands behind the bank of ticket machines, making sure the cash is topped up in the change-making part, emptying the avalanche of money that comes in during the day, and being on call in case something goes wrong! Who knew?
June 1, 2013
Doggie Diner
Even pooches who haven’t perfected the essential Sad Begging Face can score doggie-licious snacks at the Dog Department café! No trying to choose which knee might belong to the most sympathetic diner, no patient waiting for a gravity-assisted food mishap – all that lucky canines have to do is order off the menu!
Choose from the lo-cal “Waffle” snack (with corn and peas), the “Hot Dog” (tastefully cut on the diagonal and available in either beef or pork), the “Handmade Quiche,” (only 167.5 calories!), the “Dog Hamburger” (a bone-shaped amuse bouche), or the ever-popular “Hot Pancake” (decorated in the best maid café tradition with a smily face). And best of all, at the Dog Department café, faithful Fifis aren’t stuck tethered outside, peering longingly through the window as their overlords enjoy a mid-day repast! They’re more than welcome to come right inside.
Of course, portions do seem to be sized for the more petite breeds, so if you’re a Great Dane, you’d better keep working on your Pitiful Whimper and Soulful Gaze.
I discovered the world of dog cafés and hot spring resorts for dogs when I was researching Fallen Angel, the second book in my Japanese mystery series. It’s at a place like this that over a million yen and a slap in the face are handed over to Club Nova’s #1 host…
May 30, 2013
Bling Your Car!
Say “I’m #1!” with genuine Swarovski-studded rims!
What good is it to suit up and style out in the perfect hostly accessories if you have to pull up to the curb in a car that’s woefully lacking in bling? Well, now you can create your own little host club on wheels at the DAD store in Men’s 109, your one-stop shop for all things rhinestone!
No surface goes unadorned in this sparkle-o-rama of a boutique, where they offer everything from hubcaps to rear view mirrors lavishly covered in crystals and fake fur!
Detachable fox tail doubles as a sassy belt accessory! I’ll take a dozen, one in every color!
I love the Men’s 109 Building, filled with boutiques that sell all the top host brands like Vice Fairy, Murder License and Black Flame! I wish the DAD store had been open when I was writing Fallen Angel , the second book in the Only In Tokyo mystery series, because then I could have tricked out Hoshi’s car with far more than just fake fur seat covers…
Pimp Your Ride In Host Club Style!
Say “I’m #1!” with genuine Swarovski-studded rims!
What good is it to suit up and style out in the perfect hostly accessories if you have to pull up to the curb in a car that’s woefully lacking in bling? Well, now you can create your own little host club on wheels at the DAD store in Men’s 109, your one-stop shop for all things rhinestone!
No surface goes unadorned in this sparkle-o-rama of a boutique, where they offer everything from hubcaps to rear view mirrors lavishly covered in crystals and fake fur!
Detachable fox tail doubles as a sassy belt accessory! I’ll take a dozen, one in every color!
I love the Men’s 109 Building, filled with boutiques that sell all the top host brands like Vice Fairy, Murder License and Black Flame! I wish the DAD store had been open when I was writing Fallen Angel , the second book in my Japanese mystery series, because then I could have tricked out Hoshi’s car with far more than just fake fur seat covers…
May 29, 2013
Tomb Of The Untold Stories
Here lie the funniest Japanese stories ever told. Or so they say, because when it was decided in 1941 that tales of wayward sons in the red light district, mistress mishaps and too much saké were inappropriately funny for wartime, the famous rakugo performers who buried them under this slab vowed the stories would never be performed again. Fifty-three of the most popular rakugo tales of all time – including “Mummy Hunting” and “A Crow In The Morning” – are entombed at this modest shrine near Tawaramachi Station.
Rakugo is traditional Japanese storytelling, in which one actor performs every part while sitting on stage. Here is my friend Hiroyuki Ootomo, performing some non-entombed rakugo pieces at the German Embassy last year.
The names of all the famous rakugo actors who prayed for success here at this little shrine are written on the wall outside!
The inari fox guarding the rakugo shrine looks especially fierce, don’t you think?
If you want to visit the tomb of the untold stories at the rakugo shrine the next time you’re in Tokyo, directions are on my website, The Tokyo Guide I Wish I’d Had.
May 27, 2013
Radio Control Toilet
Yes, now you can level up your toilet game with this revolutionary R/C controller! We’re assured right on the package that it can be used by men OR women in a lavatory fight to the death: because even though men might dominate when it comes to putting up the seat, we know women utterly rule when it comes to taking that puppy down! And I hope that the fact it’s a “Full Function Toilet R/C” means it self-cleans and kicks the shins of anyone who misses.
