Rob Dircks's Blog, page 10

NASA builds slowest vehicle ever; sloths rejoice.

As news spread of Mars Curiosity Rover’s month-long trek of over 368 feet (that’s about the length of a football field, folks, and 0.0006888488673538467 Mach), sloths worldwide smiled wisely (well, they’re always doing that, but they continued to do that). This apparent celebration is thought to be the sloths’ approval of a new approach to human progress: moving S-L-O-W-L-Y.

 

Sloth Way #94: Too lazy or tired to come up with your own mantra? Try this one: “Zzzzz.”

New Gear! The Sh**-That-I-Should-Be-Taking-Care-Of Planner.

Now Available at the UtS Zazzle.com Store: The “Sh** That I Should Be Taking Care Of” Planner.

Interior pockets for pens, journals, smartphones
Secure zip pocket for personal items
Simple, rugged design
Handmade with a sustainability focus in San Francisco, CA

Because planning is almost like actually getting stuff done.

Want to feel like you’ve accomplished something – without actually doing anything? Create a to-do list with this handsome planner – the longer the better. You’ll find that by simply writing down all the things you should be doing, you’re sort of actually doing them (sort of).

Step-by-step instructions:


Make a really long to-do list in your handsome organizer.
Admire that you’ve gotten so organized.
Leave the list on the pile on your desk, and go out for a pulled pork sandwich.


The No-Guilt Twist™:
Make the first item on your to-do list “Create To-Do List” and check it off. See? You’re on fire, you go-getter!

 

About the Custom Rickshaw Bagworks Day Planner Folio:

Plan like you mean it! Zazzle’s Rickshaw Bagworks Folio day planner is the perfect way to organize your life. Designed with pockets for your digital (smartphones) and analog (pens and journals) life, the Folio is a balanced partner to your hectic day. Made with rugged construction, the Rickshaw Folio is an ultra-protective way to display your custom artwork, text, or photos in vivid beauty.

Rickshaw Bagworks Folio

Zazzle Rickshaw Bagworks products are crafted to embody the manufacturing ideals of form, function, and a small environmental footprint. Handmade by a team of experienced industrial product designers with sustainable environmental practices in San Francisco, your Rickshaw product will be beautiful, durable, and supremely fitted for a lifetime of use.

Rugged Construction

The Rickshaw Bagworks Folio is made with a water resistant, extra durable polyester to provide maximum protection for your belongings during all your daily tasks.

Store

Everything

Have everything you need for the day with a custom Folio. The small folio is perfect for storing pens, a notebook or calendar and cards. The large folio is great for protecting your smartphone and storing your various daily tools.

100% Satisfaction Guaranteed

We want you to love your Rickshaw Folio. If you are not satisfied with the final product for any reason, you may return your purchase for a replacement or refund within 30 days of receipt.

Ninja tradition ends with Japan’s ‘last ninja’ — heralding the Age of the Sloth.

Jinichi Kawakami — the last ninja to learn his skills directly through centuries of oral teaching — has decided not to take on any more apprentices. According to the Herald Sun, this 22nd head of the Ban clan says ninjas “just don’t fit in the modern day.” Bummer.

But wait… If we’re leaving an era of espionage and sabotage fought by men trained their entire lives in ninjitsu, that can only mean one thing — The Age of the Sloth has arrived. 

Now, we’re not talking about a world full of zombie slackers clicking their remotes with empty eyes (although some of that in your life is awesome). We’re talking about an age guided by SIMPLICITY. EFFICIENCY. ACCEPTANCE. And taking naps in the middle of the afternoon. Oh, and the occasional unexcused day off from work.

Let the new age begin. (And as a convenient first step, if you haven’t already purchased Unleash the Sloth!, here’s a link.)

Enter to win the Goodreads Book Giveaway! (Translation: FREE book.)

Get your keister on over to Goodreads.com and enter the rabid competition for FREE books! I’m only giving away 10 copies, and people are lining up around the multiplex for this one, so hurry on over. CLICK HERE TO ENTER.

Sloth Way #93: Do Zumba in a Chair.

Sit in a chair, listen to Latin-based music, and moves your arms (or legs). Now THAT’s exercise sloth-style.

Leaked Apple Patent Shows iPhone 5 “SMT” (Sloth-Multi-Touch) Display

According to Apple Insider, a new patent has been filed by Apple, outlining multiple ways that layers of the display can be combined (liquid crystal, touch sensing elements, etc.) to create an ultra-thin display, and thus and ultra-thin iPhone 5. Here’s an image and description from the patent filing:

By integrating the layered structure of an LCD and a touch sensor, a variety of benefits can be achieved…[the rest is so boring I've taken the liberty of editing it out]

But here’s what they DIDN’T WANT TO SHOW YOU…

[image error]According to mysterious, unnamed sources, an ADDITIONAL, SECRET FILE clearly shows Apple hard at work making the life of a sloth even easier (Is that possible?) with SMT (Sloth-Multi-Touch). The new technology would allow a sloth to find food more easily, search for other sloths in the area, play Fantasy Football, and finally Shazam that song they’ve been hearing all summer.

This alternative version of the iPhone will likely be called the iPhone 5S (S for Sloth, or Slow, or just because it looks cool to have an S after the number), and be available in the jungles of South America as soon as they construct cell towers there.

NOTE: This post is a parody, completely fabricated as part of the larger parody book that is Unleash the Sloth! 75 Ways to Reach Your Maximum Potential By Doing Less. (Which you can buy right here.)

Cute video of baby sloth yawning? Check.

Okay, the book is TOTALLY not about actual sloths. But it’s part of my master plan: lure you in with the promise of an adorable baby sloth yawning (I did the yawn sound effect myself, btw), and BAM! you find yourself inexplicably buying the book. So take a look at the video and tell me if my plan worked. NOTE: No sloths were harmed in the making of this video. (But I did force my wife to be the cameraman, and she hates that.) WATCH THE VIDEO HERE.

The hardest book sale of my life? My dad.

Now don’t be misled by the title – my dad totally wanted to buy the book. But he’s 80 years old, lives in Tampa, and didn’t know how to get it on his iPad (which he loves — he can stream the Mets games directly to his La-Z-Boy recliner). So I called him the other night to set him up. Here’s an edited transcript of our conversation (I couldn’t include the whole thing – the call was literally 45 minutes long):

Dad: Oh, hi, Rob. Listen, I’m trying to get your book on my iPad, and I can’t do it. I’m at Amazon.com and they won’t let me download it.

Rob: Okay. Well first, do you have the Kindle app?

Dad: Kindle? No it’s an iPad.

Rob: No, it’s a Kindle app for your iPad.

Dad: That doesn’t make sense.

Rob: It turns your iPad into a Kindle reader sort of. Trust me.

Dad: Okay.

Rob: You sure you don’t want to order the paperback version?

Dad: No, I want it on my iPad.

(we somehow get the Kindle app onto his iPad without incident.)

Dad: Okay. Now I press on the Kindle app, but nothing happens.

Rob: Nothing?

Dad: Nothing.

Rob: It should say something about signing in, or creating an account.

Dad: Oh. Yes. It says to enter your account.

Rob: Okay. So you need to enter your Amazon account.

Dad: I don’t have an Amazon account.

Rob: You’ve never bought anything from Amazon?

Dad: No.

Rob: Okay. Then first we have to go back to Amazon and create an account. So close the Kindle app and go to Safari.

Dad. How do I close the Kindle app?

Rob: Dad – the home button.

Dad: The home but–? oh, yes. Okay, I’m in Safari. Amazon.

Rob: Okay, up in the top right corner, it should say something like Your Account, or Your Cart.

Dad: No.

Rob: It doesn’t say anything about your account?

Dad: No.

Rob: What does it say?

Dad: It’s a bunch of search results.

(we determine he has googled “Amazon” rather than typed in amazon.com. He clicks through to Amazon.com)

Rob: Okay, now what does it say?

Dad: It says Hello Henry.

Rob: So you do have an account.

Dad: I don’t know how they know that.

Rob: Okay. Click on Your Orders. (Pause.) Did you find it?

Dad: I’m looking. (Pause.) Here it is. Your Orders. Okay, now it’s asking me to sign in.

Rob: Okay. Put in your email address and password.

Dad: Hmm. Password. Rob, I have too many passwords. I have no idea.

Rob: Okay. Click the forgot password link.

Dad: Okay. It says (now he’s announcing loudly): “Enter the e-mail address associated with your Amazon.com account, then click Continue. We’ll email you a link to a page where you can easily create a new password. Email address. Now type the characters you see in this image. I have to type that in, hold on. Okay. CONTINUE.”

Rob: Continue.

Dad: Continue. (Now back to announcing voice): “Check your e-mail. If the e-mail address you entered is associated with a customer account in our records, you will receive an e-mail from us with instructions for resetting your password.

Rob: Okay. Now let’s go to your email.

(We get through the email and password reset chapter without incident. And we set up his Kindle app with this account. 7 minutes.)

Rob: You’re signed in. Now look up Unleash the Sloth.

Dad: Unleash the Sloth (he pronounces is SLOW-th)

Rob: No Dad, it’s SLAWth. Like cold slaw. SLAW. SLAW.

Dad: SLAW. You don’t pronounce the T-H?

Rob: SLAWth. With the T-H.

Dad: SLAWth.

Rob: Good. Now look it up.

Dad: No, I looked it up by your name before. Rob Dircks.  (Pause.) I’m not getting it. I don’t understand — I was just looking at it before. Oh, wait. I Googled you by mistake. I’m getting all Rob Dircks search results, but not the book. Hold on. Okay, now I’m at Amazon, and I’m searching in that big box at the top. All right – here it is. Unleash the SLAWth. Now I click purchase. (Pause.) Okay, now it’s asking me for my billing address. Ugh. Okay. (Back to announcer voice) Street Address. (Typing.) City. (Typing.) Zip Code. (Typing.) Phone Number. Do they need my phone number? I’m not putting in my phone number.

Kellie (my wife): You’re so patient.

Rob (to Kellie): Great. They can put that on my gravestone. “He was patient.”

Dad: What?

Rob: Nothing.

Dad: Okay. PURCHASE. “There is a problem with the information you provided.” Oh, it’s the phone number. (Laughs. Types in the phone number.) Okay. Wait. Now I have to go get the credit card. Here’s your mother.

(Puts my mom on the phone. 10 minutes pass.)

Dad: Okay. PURCHASE.

(minor celebration.)

Rob: Okay, now go to the Kindle app, and it should be there.

Dad: Okay. No. Nothing. Wait. There it is. Unleash the SLAWth. How do I read it?

Rob: Dad — tap on the book cover icon.

Dad: Yes, yes. I knew that. Here it is. And how do I turn the page? (Side note: he’s done this with other ebooks.)

Rob: You flip the page. With your finger. Like a book.

Dad: Okay, yes. Great. I’ll read this tomorrow. Congratulations, Rob. Now I have to get back to the Giants game.

And so, 45 minutes later, I had sold a book. Whew!

Sloth Way #84: Crash a Wedding Once a Week.

That’s one less meal you have to slave over. And free booze, too.