Beth Morey's Blog, page 31

Dear Eve

Yesterday was your first birthday.  Or what would have been your first birthday, had you been here to celebrate it.  Instead, you are safe in the arms of God, which is the best place of all to be.  I am glad that you are His, and that you are home, but I still miss you.

I have been dreading your birthday since you died.  I didn't want a whole year to have passed, but of course it did, far too quickly.  It seems like just yesterday that I was holding you in my arms. ...

The Incomprehensible Reality of Rainbow Motherhood

I wonder if the collection of items currently sitting on our kitchen table might come across as rather strange to someone who doesn’t know me well. The formula samples, the how-to book on newborns, the envelope of infant-related coupons – these all make sense, because the presence of our recently born rainbow baby in our home is obvious.

But then there are the collection of books on late term and neo natal loss, and a gift that was given in memory of the baby who came before the more obvious,...

When the World Was Shattered

 
Well, it's here.  
On this day one year ago, we found out that our daughter had died before she was born.  
On this day, I found myself ushered into a community of shared grief that I never imagined existed. 
On this day, my heart and my sense of security (false though it was) were shattered.  We are still picking up the pieces.  
Honestly, I thought this day, the first anniversary of Eve's death, would be easier.  Even though I've been dreading this day...

Miracle Babies

This week I started to become less gracious feeling about Jacob.  I swore after losing Eve that this would never happen, that I would never feel frustrated with our living children if we came to have any, but of course my humanity has set in and the honeymoon is wearing a little thin.  Not because Jacob's done anything wrong, and not because I love him any less, but because I have been trying to "get things done."  Writing, exercise, a bit of art -- each day I'm on the lookout...

In Which I Start to Learn to Love the Unexpected

I wouldn't go so far as to say that Jacob is on a schedule, but in the past six weeks I have come to expect a certain routine. He eats every two to three hours, then I cuddle him for a bit before I change him and put him down for a nap in his crib. When he wakes an hour or two later, we do it all again like clockwork.

Except when it's not.

It's strange how I resist him when he shakes things up. Like last night, for example. He was "supposed" to be sleeping, so I spent a half an hour trying to...

This Time Last Year

At this time last year, we were enjoying an uncommonly warm and un-snowy autumn, I had just begun counting gratitudes, my parents were visiting, and the Best Husband Ever and I were looking forward to meeting our first child in two months' time.

Only we didn't have two months left.  We had a week.  Seven days before we would receive the worst news parents can get.

It doesn't seem possible that this horrifying thing was headed our way and we didn't know it.  It seems that somethin...

Books For Eve's First Birthday: An Update

 
I am feeling so many things.

Floored.  Grateful.  Humbled.

Less than a week after I shared my thoughts on how I planned to celebrate Eve's fast-approaching first birthday in Heaven, 44 copies of When Hello Means Goodbye made their way to our front door.

And that's not counting the copies that I ordered.

But that's not all.  When I went to order my copies, I discovered that they were sold out.

We made Amazon sell out of books for Eve's birthday.

I'll say it again -- I am floore...

The Small Made Big

If you have been reading this blog for a little while, you might remember that a few months ago, when I was still pregnant with Jacob, I was put on bed rest due to a threat of preterm labor.  My doctor informed me that she fully expected Jacob to arrive early.

So my friends and I moved up the mama blessing we had started planning in lieu of a traditional baby shower, which had originally been scheduled for September 30.  If I remember correctly, we celebrated with a hasty mama blessi...

Celebrating Eve's First Birthday: Want To Help?

Eve's birthday has been on my mind.

It's coming up too fast.  November 20 is nearly here . . . how can it already have been one year?  It seems impossible.  And yet it is.

I've been thinking a lot about what to do on her birthday.  A few months ago, I intended to throw her a little birthday party and invite our close friends.  But lately that feels overwhelming.  So I think we will probably celebrate instead as a family, just the three of us remembering the fourth. ...

Dwelling in Miracle

It's moments like these that I've longed for, that I drink in greedily because they're already too fleeting; he's already growing so fast.

The house is quiet. Evening drops. I breathe him in, breathe out love and gratitude.  I just finished feeding him, and now he's fallen asleep on me, his chest against mine, his milk-sour breath tickling the hollow of my collar bone.  His small body is warm on mine, and it seems strange and mysterious that he could have been living inside me so rec...