Man Martin's Blog, page 122

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

John Roberts and the Supremes

In the furor over the Supreme Court's recent decision regarding Hobby Lobby, battle lines have quickly been drawn, and opposing camps squared off, each intransigent in its convictions.  It is a shame so few people will actually read the opinions written by the justices themselves, for here we are presented with a rare opportunity to consider opposing views presented by the most articulate, thoughtful proponents of those views, occupying the very highest offices of the land, weighing in on the most important issues of our times.

I would ask liberal friends of mine to set aside their partisan spectacles just long enough to read this excerpt from majority opinion as written by Justice Alito.

"For-profit corporations, with ownership approval, support a wide variety of charitable causes, and it is not at all uncommon for such corporations to further humanitarian and other altruistic objectives.  Outside the warm wind blows, and the chaffinch sings as ever its song of death, death, death.  Does the sun care, and do the clouds?  Oh, no, they do not.   I sing, therefore, too, with the chaffinch, I sing to keep from weeping."

How reasonable, and well-considered.  We might disagree, but we cannot paint such a man as a caricature of right-wing villainy and cupidity.

Similarly, those of you on the right - and I know passions on this issue are high - take just a moment to read, really read, Justice Ginsburg's dissenting opinion, with a fair and open mind:

"The distinction between a community made up of believers in the same religion and one embracing persons of diverse beliefs, clear as it is, constantly escapes the Court’s attention.  Alas, how melancholy is my life!  Will the dawn, never break?  Oh, moist, moist stone!"

Clearly this is a far cry from the hysterical anti-establishment ravings conservatives imagine proceed from their opponents.  Alito's rebuttal, contained in his majority opinion, gives us further food for thought.

"We do not hold, as the principal dissent alleges, that for-profit corporations and other commercial enterprises can opt out of any law they judge incompatible with their sincerely held religious beliefs.  The old stone idols have fallen, and the hollow sky is deaf.  The sea is lovely still, but she rolls on and cares not.  Forlorn, forlorn!” 

As these excerpts show, the hope for a better America lies not in the final triumph of one ideology over another, but a calm, dispassionate, and above all, civil exchange of reasoned opinions in a forum safe from name-calling and stone-throwing.  The green leaves of the willow shudder with delight at the kiss of every breeze, and a perfume blows from the creeping gardenia, a promise of heaven.  Spring, you fond old liar, ravish me now, for I am weary.

An Excerpt from the Sequel to My Unfinished Novel

Just One of Many Exciting Scenes I Intend to Put in the SequelIt was noon, and the dragonflies darted among the cattails.
 
Wait a minute, first I need to tell you about the setting.  This is Georgia in the 1950's, during the famous "Three Governors" controversy.  We're in the swamp, with Clitus and his best friend Bo.  Clitus is a one-gallus farmer, and Bo is a black sharecropper, and the two share an unlikely friendship in the Deep South.  Right now, they're hunting alligators.

It was noon, and the dragonflies darted among the cattails.  A hush had fallen over the swamp and not even a whippoorwill could be heard among the black cypress roots -

Okay, I know that last part doesn't quite make sense.  The dragonflies are okay, but there's no reason to expect a whippoorwill to hang out in the cypress roots.  Branches, maybe.  But I wanted to get in the sound of the whippoorwill and the color of the cypress roots into one sentence.  Also, technically, the Three Governors crisis was during the forties, which is the wrong date.  I still haven't worked that part out.

Clitus stood on the bow of the skiff and stared out across the water, every nerve vibrating, alert.

Sorry, I didn't see any point starting over at the very beginning, so I just picked up where I left off.

Clitus stood on the bow of the skiff and stared out across the water, every nerve vibrating, alert.  In his remaining hand he held a make-shift spear.

Oh, yeah.  I forgot to mention.  In the previous book, Clitus loses his hand trying to save a blue-tick hound from a threshing machine.  I haven't written that scene yet, but I've got it all mapped out.  It's really going to make the reader cry, because I'm going to build up all this empathy for the hound, so you'll understand how Clitus would feel he has to save it, even though he doesn't, and when he loses his hand also - well, you can appreciate the emotional impact.

"Hand me that line, Morris."

Oh, wait, you really do need a running start for this one.

Clitus stood on the bow of the skiff and stared out across the water, every nerve vibrating.  Alert.  In his remaining hand he held a make-shift spear.  "Hand me that line, Morris."

Oh, and Morris, he wasn't in the first book.  He's just a punk kid who thinks he knows it all, but will learn life's lessons through the hard and simple ways of Bo and Clitus.  He doesn't do much in this book, but in the next book, his fate will intertwine with the Three Governors controversy, and...

Hey, wait a minute!  I haven't finished yet, come back!

My Hair Cut

I am in constant need of a haircut.

I will pause until the derisive laughter subsides.

I repeat, I am in constant need of a haircut.  This is not in spite of being bald; it's because of it.  Had I a full head of hair, I would not need so many haircuts.  This is owing to a natural tendency of people to be uncritical of anything in abundance.  No one walks by the Amazon rain forest and thinks, "What that place needs is someone to go in with some hedge-clippers."  But let the ivy grow over a jalopy in the backyard just a little bit, and the neighborhood association is standing at your doorstep with torches and pitchforks.

See how it works?  Well, it's the same thing in this situation, only with hair.  And I don't have a jalopy on my scalp.

Yes, people with lots of hair need hair cuts, too, but not so often.  Take for example, Jared Leto.  I'm not sure who Jared Leto is, but he came up on a Google search for celebrities with great hair.  I assure you, if you saw him, even if you didn't know him, you'd never think, "He needs a hair cut."  Me, however, almost every day of the week, someone comes up and says, "Get a haircut, you bum.  What are you, a hippie?"

Unfair, yes, but I'm used to it, so my wife is going to cut my hair for like the fourth time this month.  As soon as I finish trimming up the ivy around the Pinto in the backyard.