Man Martin's Blog, page 121

Someone Stop Me Before I Footnote Again

I have become a compulsive footnoter. Is this even a real thing?  My spell-checker doesn’t think so. Cuppy writes that Alexander was called “The Great” because he killed more people of more nationalities than anyone up to that time.  A footnote goes on to explain he did this to impress Greek culture on them. I’ve never read RUR.  Is it any good? The conclusion of the novel has eerie resonance with Global Warming.  Intelligent super-newts are gradually destroying the continents, undermining the coastlines to create salt-water shallows in which to breed.  Humans continue abetting the process, supplying the newts with dredging equipment, etcetera, because there’s money in it. The misspelling was deliberate; the author was spoofing 18th Century orthography. Marvin Kitman.  I just looked it up. Although Infinite Jest was a little too infinite, if you ask me. This, for example. And it is, too, isn’t it? Everything else will be footnotes.

All It Takes is Willpower

When People See Me on the Street, They Know,
There is a Man Who Never Wastes a Tasty Peach CobblerThe other night we made a peach cobbler for a party Nancy was throwing for some coworkers.  It was a Paula Dean recipe, meaning it called for enough sugar to give diabetes to everyone in a good-sized fishing village.  Unfortunately, as she was reading the recipe, Nancy told me to put all four cups of sugar into the peach mixture, which I did; however, it turns out we were supposed to have reserved half the sugar for the breading.  So when I mixed that up, I had to add another two cups of sugar to it as well.

I want you to be sure you understand this.  Nancy and I made a peach cobbler that contains half again as much sugar as recommended by Paula Dean.

You might think the result would be inedible.  Actually, it's quite tasty.  I know because I've tried it.

Here, I'll try a little right now.

Yep, still delicious.

We made two large casserole dishes of cobbler, and only ate one and a half.  And, by the way, Nancy left town last night.

Get the picture?  I have half a casserole of super-sweetened peach cobbler all to myself.

An ordinary man might just throw the cobbler out or feed it to the chickens.  He might freeze it.  He might take it to the neighbors.  But I am no ordinary man.  When people see me in the street, they will know: there is a man who never wastes food, especially if it's a tasty peach cobbler.

I have a peach cobbler, I have five days, I have a fork.

All it takes is willpower.

Presidential Affairs

According to the New York Times, Harding used code words to keep the (love) letters' contents a secret, even referring to his penis as "Jerry." For instance, on March 12, 1915 he wrote to (his mistress, Carrie Fulton) Phillips:  "Jerry ... came in while I was pondering your notes in glad reflection, and we talked about it ... He told me to say that you are the best and darlingest in the world, and if he could have but one wish, it would be to be held in your darling embrace and be thrilled by your pink lips that convey the surpassing rapture of human touch and the unspeakable joy of love’s surpassing embrace." - Taryn Hillin, The Huffington Post

Harding's reputation as a "do-nothing" president is belied by a term as fraught with challenges and opportunities to rival most peace-time presidents.  For example, few realize he was an outspoken proponent of Civil Rights long before the cause was politically fashionable.  He appointed African Americans to federal positions, spoke in favor of civil rights in segregated Alabama, and supported the Dyer Anti-Lynching Bill.  Here is an excerpt of Harding's letter to the bill's sponsor, Leonidas Dyer: "Jerry just came in while I was wondering what to say to you.  He told me that your are the foresightedest Senator in the world, and he was aroused by your powerful yet supple tongue and he could have but one wish, it would be that your firm grip should take this country in hand and lead it to the unspeakable plateau of bliss in the ecstatic embrace of racial justice."

This is not to say Harding was a bleeding-heart.  He signed into law a bill authorizing the deportation of immigrants, but even here, he was a man moved by compassion.  He authorized exemptions to thousands of illegal immigrants, and in a letter to Secretary of the Labor, he urged the enforcement to be humane: "Jerry walked in when I was writing this letter, and when I told him of the treatment of deportees, many of whom have soft pink lips and rapturously smooth hands, he swelled with indignation and said I should tell you to think on the plight of these sweaty, teeming masses who want only the sublime unspeakable joys of liberty and the surpassing embrace of equality, as do we all."

Of course, whatever potential and hope his administration held, Harding's name will be forever besmirched by Teapot Dome.  In a letter to Secretary of the Interior Fall, who was later imprisoned for accepting bribes, Harding expresses his outrage at malfeasance.  "Jerry walked in while I was writing this and I asked him what I must say to you.  He said to stand firm.  I am firm, and Jerry is firm.  If only you could see how firm Jerry is.  It is hard, I know.  It is hard as I write this, and I trust it will be hard for you as you read it.  We must be always erect, those of us in the public sphere, knowing the warm, succulent, moistness of corruption and easy lucre will tempt us, but that in the ecstatic surpassing tenderness of uprightness and rectitude, we will rise and rise and rise again, and when the public sees an upright man, they know it, for uprightness cannot be hid if it is firm.  'Look at that man,' they will say.  'How upright and firm he is.  And they will be aroused to be upright likewise."

Thank You for Your Time

Thank you for your purchase.  Do you mind taking a brief customer satisfaction survey?

I really don't think so.

Please, it will only take a minute.

No, really, I'm busy.

There may be a coupon in it for you.

Alright.

Were you able to find what you were looking for today?

I'm holding it in my hand.

I'll mark that as a "yes."  On a scale of one to ten, with one being sticking your bare foot into a shoe and finding a moist slug, and ten being bunnies frolicking in clover, how satisfactory was your experience?

Six.

As low as that?  Really?  But think how helpful I was.

Okay.  Six and a half.

Thank you.  Next question.  Would you shop here again?

Maybe.  I don't know.  Within the next year?

It doesn't matter, the fact you will shop here at some point in the future is enough to satisfy the public.  Next question, what is your gender?

I'm really offended you have to ask that.  I'm standing right here.

The staff has undergone sensitivity workshops to train us not to prejudge people based on stereotypes of appearance or secondary sexual characteristics.  Nevertheless, based on your belligerent posture, I shall put you down as male.  What is your age?

39.

Get real.

55.

And were we able to answer all your questions today?

What questions?

That completes our survey.  Your answers will help us flood your email and Facebook with helpful advertisements for related products.  Before you go, would you be willing to take a brief customer survey about the preceding customer survey?

No.

Please?  Please, please, please, pleeeeze?

I'm about to change my earlier answer from six and a half, to six and a quarter.

Very well, thank you and have a blessed day.

Back at you.

Six Ways to Keep a Man

Women are forever writing in asking about their men.  Do I need to put air holes in the box?  Do I need to catch bugs for him, or is it enough to throw a few scraps of lettuce on the bottom?

Many women want to know, how can you keep a man?  Still others ask why would you want to?  Such questions reveal many women don't know the first thing about men or what makes them tick.  Here, then, are six simple tips for hanging on to your guy.

Don't Be Too Picky: If you expect your man to do the laundry, clean house, or even bathe regularly, you're asking to be disappointed.  Lighten up a little and learn to accept piles of dirty underwear.  You'll both be happier, and the silverfish will have a warm place to sleep.
Praise Him: Be sure to tell him on a regular basis that he's handsome, smart, and talented.  It's amazing.  Guys fall for anything.
Do the Hibbiddy-Bibbidy: Regular sex equals a happy guy.  What have you got to lose.  We're talking three minutes here.
Make Him His Favorite Meal: In most cases this will be a slab of meat, either nearly raw or burnt to a crisp, depending on his preference.  A good pairing is beer.  
Laugh at His Jokes:  Why wouldn't you?  His jokes are hilarious.  What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart?  One's a barroom, and one's a ba-room!  Too funny!
Encourage Him to Let Himself Go: It's not a big deal if he looks at other women, so long as you ensure they don't look back.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.

7 Things I Know That I Wish I Didn't

People say knowledge is power, well, yeah, right.  Some knowledge, though, you'd rather not have.  Like stuff you don't want to know because you only learn it under certain unpleasant conditions.  Like, knowing how to make a rum-runner in a blender, that's fun knowledge, but knowing how to scratch twelve mosquito bites at once when one of them is way down in the small of your back, that's knowledge you're probably better off without.  Here's a short list of things I've learned I wish I'd never had to.

1. I have learned a great deal more about digging up holly bushes than I ever wanted to know.  More than anyone wants to know.

2. I have gotten very good at changing flat tires.  No one should know as much about this who isn't in NASCAR or a Duke of Hazzard.

3. I can give an enema.

4. I have memorized all the lyrics to, "Swing In to the Saddle, Christian Cowboy."  This is not a song you want running through your head.

5. I know how to replace a toilet with a newfangled "Lo-Flo" model, then how to take out the "Lo-Flo" and put a "Hi-Flo" back in when the "Lo-Flow" exploded.

6. I know how to scrub chicken poop off cement decking.

7.Poison Ivy.  I am really good at recognizing poison ivy.