Man Martin's Blog, page 125

The Department of Hurricane-Naming

Hurricane Fluffy Makes LandfallHurricanes with feminine names turn out to be deadlier in the United States than their more macho-sounding counterparts, probably because their monikers make people underestimate their danger, the researchers conclude. In fact, the two deadliest storms to make landfall in the U.S. since 1979, when male names were introduced, were named Katrina and Sandy. - Seth Borenstein, APSo what have we learned from this study?  We've learned that people are stupid, obviously.  Hurricane Ivan and everyone gets out of Dodge: Hurricane Katrina and everyone stays put.  People are dumb, DEE-YOU-EM, dumb.  But we knew that.  So what else.The main thing is, we're going to have to be much more selective about picking names.  Next season, for example, we were thinking of naming one hurricane, Hurricane Fluffy.  Fluffy is a great name for a hurricane, and we'd chosen it by unanimous vote.  Now, however, it seems Hurricane Fluffy is not to be.  No one would take a name like that seriously enough.  On the other hand, the hurricane after Fluffy we were going to name, Hurricane Gnarly Bad-Ass.  Now Gnarly Bad-Ass is a name that will make people sit up and take notice.  No one's going to take any chances with Hurricane Gnarly Bad-Ass.Looking over the proposed list of next years' hurricanes, some names are fine as they are, and some will have to be changed.  Hurricane Endor, Dark Lord of Blood, is a fine name for a hurricane, although it's a little on the lengthy side, but at least everyone will take Hurricane Endor, Dark Lord of Blood seriously.  If anything, they might take it too seriously.  You'd hate to name a hurricane something like Hurricane Endor, Dark Lord of Blood and then have it turn out to be a dud.  People would stop taking our department seriously.  But the name Hurricane Mr. Winkles, which was to come between Hurricane Nimrod the Destroyer and Hurricane Lollapalooza-Doozy, is a terrible name.  Honestly.  Hurricane Mr. Winkles.  I don't know what we were thinking on that one.The jury's still out on Hurricane Lollapalooza-Doozy.

Six Handy Gardening Tips

Regular Weeding and Cultivation are Important for
Your Garden.  Squirrels Appreciate a Tidy Garden.1. When putting in a garden, plant the border with marigolds.  This will discourage insects and give the squirrels something pretty to look at when they come to eat every last tomato off your vine.

2. This year, instead of "Big Boy" "Better Boy" and "Roma" tomatoes, why not plant heirloom seeds?  These come in many varieties and are available in most garden stores.  The squirrels will appreciate the change.

3. When tomatoes begin to appear, wrap the cages in netting, this will not block the sun, but the challenge of getting the tomatoes helps keep squirrels' brains active and engaged, preventing them from becoming bored and listless, which is all too common among suburban squirrels.

4. Try sprinkling tomatoes with cayenne pepper.  Squirrels will love it.

5. Squirrels avoid the smell of human urine.  Once a week, pee around the perimeter of your garden.  When the squad car takes you away for indecent exposure, the squirrels will get a good laugh.

6. Here's a fun idea!  Don't plant tomatoes at all.  Put in corn, wait until the plants are about a foot tall, then sow the ground with beans.  As the beans grow, they will climb up the corn plants, giving you beans and corn in one small space!  As far as squirrels are concerned, this is as good as succotash.

Three Secrets to a Perfect Marriage

If you put two wild animals - say, a wolverine and a badger - in a pen together, no one would expect them to survive the night.  And yet, we imagine two human beings - who are infinitely more willful, cunning, and unpredictable than any mere badger - to cohabit up to fifty years, not only in safety, but in amicable relations.

How does one survive the inevitable speed-bumps on the highway of happiness known as marriage?  Over the years lot of nonsense on this topic has been pedaled to the unsuspecting public.  For example, never go to bed angry.  Dear Lord, this would require going without sleep for weeks at a stretch.  You might as well say, "Never go to bed sleepy," or "Never eat on an empty stomach."  Another idiotic tidbit is being willing to admit when you're wrong.  The drawback is, I am never wrong, whereas Nancy frequently is.  Nancy, being hard-headed, refuses to admit that she's wrong, and when I helpfully admit that she's wrong for her, it gets us nowhere.  Yet another article advises couples to "fight fair."

Pardon me, while I put aside my computer and laugh.

Clearly whoever came up with that gem has never been in a fight.  A fight is a contest, and like any contest, the object is to win.  Anyone who fights fair must A. Be certain of winning and B. Not care about winning very much in the first place.  In any fight, any real fight, sooner or later, one of you will drag out the Nuclear Weapon.  Believe me, you don't have to live with someone very long before each of you has acquired a Nuclear Weapon which is perfectly devastating to the other.  All married couples will know what I mean.

So what are you to do?  When you fall in love, you imagine your mate is generous, wise, and loving, but then you discover she's actually just as selfish, stupid, and mean as you.  How do you work through the inevitable little difficulties?

First step, while you still have stars in your eyes, and your heart goes pitter-pat every time you hear your true love's name, and you're still calling each other "Snookums-ookums," hide all the knives.  Put firearms up in the attic where you won't be able to get to them.  Flush all the untraceable poisons down the toilet.  It's important to do this while the blush of passion is still on the rose of love because if you wait until marriage gets down to the nitty-gritty, it'll be too late.  You'll find yourself wiping down fingerprints and rehearsing your 911 call.

Next you have to tell everyone you know, especially your closest relatives and friends, how deliriously happy you are and how you have found your soul mate with whom you will want to spend eternity.  This way when the going gets tough, and it's down to who's getting custody of the dog, you'll realize you'll have to tell all those people and admit you made a terrible mistake.  I can't tell you how many times Nancy and I stayed together just because we were afraid to tell our parents.

Third, and I can't stress this enough, you have to do things together you hate.  Doing things you like is very nice for dating, but marriage requires doing stuff you hate.  This is why having a home is so important; it entails so many horrible tasks.  Crawling through a sweat-box of an attic rolling out puffy pink sheets of itchy insulation, rooting in a damp crawlspace amid camel crickets and black widows, being doused by unmentionable sludge after loosening a pipe joint, being covered in poison-ivy welts - these are the memories that are the superglue of our fractured and broken natures.  (That is the worst metaphor I've seen all week, but I'm letting it stand.)

How many times have I looked at Nancy and thought, God, I hate dealing with this right now.

But at least I have her with me.

Quiz: Which Binary Digit are You?

1. When I'm in a restaurant, I...

A. Ask what the waiter recommends and submissively say, "Yes, I'll have that," even though the thought of eating goat cheese nauseates me.
B. Randomly pick a spot on the menu with my eyes closed and eat whatever it says.
C. Order an omelet with fresh peas even though nothing like that's on the menu and throw a tantrum until they agree to make it for me, then leave it half-finished.

2. I like my coffee...

A. With hazelnut, whipped cream, sugar, and caramel.  On second thought, hold the coffee, I've just have hazelnut, whipped cream, sugar, and caramel.
B. African American, with sugar.
C. But my coffee doesn't like me.

3. I spend my leisure time...

A. In the garden
B. In the pokey.
C. Weeping.

4. My childhood nickname was...

A. Skippy
B. Skuffy
C. Skimpy
D. Skunky
E. Spunky
F. Funky
G. Junkie
H. Hunkie
I. Lunky
J. Loser
K. Master Emmet J Farnsworth, III, Esquire

5. A rabbi, an Irishman, and a lawyer walk into a bar...

A. Ouch

6. Women find me...

A. Beneath contempt
B. Irresistible
C. If they look in their closet

7. My dreams are filled with...

A. Unicorns!
B. Nameless dread
C. Nameless unicorns
D. Dreadful unicorns


ANSWER: YOU ARE 1!

It Turns Out God Hates All the Same Stuff I Do

I've been thinking about it a long time, and I'm pretty sure God hates all the same people I do.
I have not reached this conclusion rashly but after careful thought, study, and prayer.  In fact, I might further say that God hates all the same stuff I do.
Take rutabagas.  There are some people who claim to like these.  I don't care for them myself, and I'm pretty sure God doesn't either.  Rutabagas are nasty-tasting.  This is undeniable.  For God to like them, He would have to like nasty-tasting things, which is more along Satan's line, right?  This goes double-plus for beets.  God clearly hates beets.  The definition of God is all-powerful and all-good.  There's no way someone who was all-good would like beets, and there's no way you could make Him eat them because he's all-powerful.
As far as the TV show, Parenthood, I've seen a few episodes, and it's safe to conclude God believes it's perfectly inane.  I would not say it was an actual sin to watch, but I'm pretty sure he's annoyed whenever it's on.  God much prefers Justified and is very pleased that Deadwood is streaming on Amazon because that's a really good show and it deserves a second viewing.  It's remarkable how much God dislikes Parenthood because in general, He's very broadminded when it comes to TV.  For example, and this might surprise some people, He thinks Archer is very funny.
When it comes to God's political opinions, I don't want to stir an anthill, here, but they have changed over the years.  At one time, I thought very differently than I do today and I think it's safe to say that God Himself concurred with me.  Now that I see things differently, it's clear to me that God thinks exactly the way I do, that is, the way I do now, not the way I did then.  God and I are on the same page and feel compassion for those who see things differently.  Compassion mixed with a certain righteous wrath.  
Yes, God is capable of wrath.  And people need to tread very lightly to avoid rousing it.
I've mentioned that God is annoyed by the TV show Parenthood, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.  God is annoyed by lots of things, and not just beets, either.  Like people who block intersections.  God hates that.  I'm pretty sure he's got a big can of Divine Wrath he's about to open up any day now just for people who block intersections.  Not that God is unreasonable, far from it.  For example, the other day the light changed on me, and I ended up blocking an intersection myself.  It was an innocent mistake, but I felt like the other drivers were judging me.  God knew it was just one of those things I couldn't help, and I couldn't blame him for feeling a little bit of wrath at the other drivers.  What God hates most is people who are judgmental.  I explained to God, that not being omniscient, the other drivers did not know it was an innocent mistake on my part and that I really couldn't help it.  I asked Him not to smite the other drivers for they knew not what they did. 
One of the things God loves is how forgiving I am.

How I Make Cheese Eggs

My secret for making perfect, yummy cheese eggs.

Busy Days Ahead

It just so happened I'd spent the morning staging
Julius Caesar with a sock puppet.As a teacher, I just finished up the school year this week.  I don't report for work again until August.  I don't want to make a fuss, but sometimes I think Nancy imagines all I do in the summer is goof off.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  In fact, as a Creative Genius, summer is my busiest time."What are you doing?" she asked the other morning, in a tone dripping with insinuation that I might not be doing anything.
I was stung, because it just so happened I'd spent the entire morning staging a performance of Julius Caesar with a sock puppet.  (See yesterday's post.)  
Why, just this morning I spent forty minutes staring at the computer screen.  This is indispensable when it comes to gathering fodder for my work.  On Facebook alone I took two personality tests to discover What Breakfast Cereal I am (All Bran) and What Animal I Will Come Back as in Next Life.  (Koala.  Yay!)  I watched a video of a dog chasing its tail set to Mozart   I read a very interesting article about how I might be doing Pilates incorrectly.  I never do Pilates, but if the occasion ever arises, I won't make the common mistakes so many others do.  And yet as busy as I am, I still made time for others; I wished someone a happy birthday! (I always add the exclamation mark.  I think it makes it more sincere.) and I "liked" three other posts.
With all this, I fear, Nancy thinks I'm idling the day away.
How can I enjoy my afternoon nap with her judging me?

Antony's Eulogy as Performed by a Sock Puppet

My Thoughts to the Graduates

Today, as you prepare to embark on your - stop staring at your cellphones, I'm talking here!  Would someone tell them to get off their cellphones?  There's someone up here trying to make a speech.  
Okay, three or four of you look like you're listening, so I'll continue.
As I was saying, today as you prepare to embark on - wait stop.  Goldurn it, take the earbuds out while I'm talking, okay?  You can't possibly hear what I have to say when you're listening to P-Diddy or G-Money or whoever it is.
And whose ringtone is that?  Please, if you can't turn off your phones for one precious hour of your life, at least put them on vibrate or silent or whatever.  
Sheesh.
I'm about to give a speech in which I've condensed all the wisdom of my years, preparing you for a future fraught with challenge, yes, but opportunity, too, a future in which...
Now they're staring at their cellphones again.
Wait a minute.  There's still one person listening.  Yes, she's definitely very intent on what I have to say.  She's not even listening to her iPod.  Thank you, young lady.  You've restored my faith in today's youth.  This message, then, is for you and you alone.  You are the chosen one to receive all my wisdom and inspiration.
Today as you - wait a minute, what are you doing?  What's that gesture mean?  Dear Lord, she's attempting to change the screen on me.  Don't you understand?  You can't get rid of me by swiping your finger from left to right.  This isn't a touch-screen.  It's reality.  Re.  Al.  It.  Y.  I'm not an avatar or something, I'm a real person.  You can't make me go away by simply 

The Big News

The big news of my week is that Amazon Prime is now streaming all the old classic HBO shows.  It really is kind of pathetic how pleased I am at the opportunity to watch more television.  I understand that Putin is doing bad stuff in Crimea, and I'm concerned about it, truly I am, even if I'm a little vague on the details.  But last night we watched two episodes of The Wire, and I'm really stoked because I've never seen The Wire, and I can already tell it's really, really good, and there's entire seasons ahead for me to enjoy.  I know Assad is doing terrible, terrible stuff to his own people in Syria, and I heard something about "barrel bombs."  I do not have any clear notion of what a barrel bomb is, or why it would be so terrible, but my heart goes out to those people.  But meanwhile, we have all the episodes of Six Feet Under!  I love that show!  And really, I've been thinking lately how much I'd like to re-watch it, and I was always frustrated that I could never get it streaming on Netflix, and now here it is!  And those kidnapped girls in Nigeria.  It's a terrible, terrible thing.  What's the name of the group doing it?  Boko Haram.  It's shocking, truly it is.  It'll take me awhile, but eventually I'll get around to watching The Sopranos again, just kind of for nostalgia's sake.  And I know I should be a better person; our church runs a thrift store and food bank, and I should probably spend some time there.  I should take a more active role in my world.  But life just isn't as entertaining as HBO.