Man Martin's Blog, page 101

Presidential Losers #26: William Jennings Bryant

William grew up Presbyterian, Baptist, and Methodist, meaning he had swallowed three times the recommended dosage organized religion, and he was never quite right in the head afterwards.  Known as "the Great Commoner" (which is a little like calling someone the Insignificant Monarch) William's oratorical gifts easily won him the Democratic nomination over rival Richard, "Silver Dick," Bland. 1 

William stirred the party faithful with his dramatic "Cross of Gold" convention speech, urging that the US dollar be backed by both gold and silver.  In doing so, he touched on the hot-button issue of 1896.  Soon the streets were filled with lusty chants of "bimetallism would only depreciate the currency if an inequitable ratio were determined, and this is a gratuitous assumption," from supporters and jeers of "bimetallism effectively freezes the ratio of prices of the two metals without regard to the demand and supply conditions," from opponents.

People really got het up over this topic.  In St Augustine, during a discussion of monetary policy, James Allen drew a knife and stabbed his companion, Joe Weldman, and Joe retaliated by drawing a pistol and shooting.  Both men died.

Sticking to gold meant lower inflation and a sounder dollar which was good for the Big-Money Interests.  In this go-round, the Big Money Interests won out.  Thank goodness.
Result
William McKinley: 271William Jennings Bryan: 176
1. He got his nickname because of his support for silver coinage, at least I hope that was the reason.

Presidential Losers #25: Grover Cleveland

In 1888, Grover Cleveland was a newlywed, which has nothing to do with the election one way or the other, but is so interesting a situation, I record it here.  

The only president ever to have a wedding in the White House, he married Frances Folsom, twenty-seven years his junior, the daughter of Grover's close friend Oscar Folsom.  Oscar died when Frances was 11, and Cleveland had been appointed her guardian.  (Don't get creeped out, they didn't start dating then.)  

It gets just a little bit weirder still.  Grover’s presumed bastard had been born in1874 to Maria Crofts Halpin. Grover's supporters maintained that he might not have been the father because Ms Halpin was doing the mattress dance with more than one man during this period, but that as the only bachelor, Grover had magnanimously assumed responsibility.  

The child wasn't named, like, Grover Halpin Cleveland, Jr, but Oscar Folsom Cleveland. 1  Did I mention that one of Halpin’s other dance partners was Oscar Folsom, father of Cleveland's wife, Frances?

Cleveland’s second run at the presidency did not go as well as his first, but it was certainly just as entertaining.  In addition to having fathered a child out of wedlock, Cleveland, it transpired, had avoided military service during the Civil War by paying, George Benninsky, a Polish immigrant, $150  to take his place. 2  

It didn’t help matters to be running against a bona-fide Civil War hero, Benjamin Harrison, who commanded a brigade at the Battle of Atlanta.  Maybe it would have looked better if Benninsky had distinguished himself in battle, but he suffered a back injury shortly after enlisting, and spent the war on the sidelines. It wasn't Grover's fault that he'd hired a dud; surely he'd already demonstrated sufficient patriotism in the first place by shelling out $150.   

Grover won the popular vote, but lost the Electoral College by a wide margin, in part thanks to the Tammany Hall Machine that took New York from him.  But Frances Cleveland, at any rate, was unfazed.  As she left the White House, she said, "Now, Jerry, I want you to take good care of all the furniture and ornaments in the house, for I want to find everything just as it is now, when we come back again four years from today."
Result
Benjamin Harrison: 233Grover Cleveland: 168
1. It's uncertain what became of this child.  Some maintain that he died of alcoholism, others that he became a lawyer.  So either way, he came to a bad end.2. These days we just join the National Guard.

Presidential Losers #25: Benjamin Harrison and James Weaver

Benjamin Harrison 1 James WeaverIf the antepenultimate 1election of the 19th Century had been about who had the best beard, Grover Cleveland wouldn’t have stood a chance.  The two losers Benjamin Harrison and James Weaver could have modeled for the Smith Brothers Cough-Drop label.  You wonder how their wives could find them under all that shrubbery.  

The big issue in the campaign was monetary policy.  Grover wanted to keep us on the gold standard, whereas Ben (Republican) and Jim (Populist) both favored bi-metalism: basing the currency on gold and silver.  

As if any of that mattered.  The American dollar hasn’t been based on any metal for decades and just look how good we’re doing.  

Another novelty in the election was Wyoming, where those wild and woolly ruffians – if you know anything about the people of Wyoming, you don’t need me to tell you how cuckoo-crazy they are – actually allowed women to vote.  (New Jersey’s original constitution had allowed women to vote, but the right had been rescinded in 1807.) 2  But Wyoming’s three electoral votes for Big Ben couldn’t change the outcome of the election, and Grover swept into his second non-consecutive term as president.
Result
Grover Cleveland: 277Benjamin Harrison: 145James Weaver: 22
1. Look it up.2. The men must've outnumbered the women that year.3. Or maybe he's Benjamin Harrison.  I can't tell them apart, can you?

Presidential Losers #24: James Blaine

Early on it seemed James was the man to beat: the Republican candidate after a quarter century of Republican administrations, former Speaker of the House, former presidential nominee, and known as the “Magnetic Man” for his personal charisma and charm. 1 His other nickname was “the Plumed Knight,” which is very flattering but shows Republicans weren’t that good at coming up with nicknames.  

On top of all this, the Republicans' Christmas wish was granted when it transpired Democratic Candidate Grover Cleveland had fathered an illegitimate child who’d been sent to an orphanage and the mother an asylum.

Outraged at this calumny, Cleveland hotly denied that the mother had been sent to an asylum.  A popular anti-Cleveland rhyme went, “Ma, ma, where’s my pa?”  This changed after the election to, “Gone to the White House, ha-ha-ha.”

The turning point came when letters surfaced revealing James was on the receiving end big-time of graft from the Union Pacific Railroad and others.  (These were nicknamed "The Mulligan Letters," which is a very cool nickname.)  

One of the incriminating letters actually ended with the instructions “Burn this letter,” which makes you wonder just how big a chump James was.  If a letter confirming you’re taking bribes tells you to burn it, you damn well burn it and don’t shilly-shally; the words “burn it” should be sufficient to any reasonably cautious person, and you don’t need to add, “or else this letter may come to light exactly when it will do you the most damage and you’ll lose a national election to a fornicator and go down in disgrace.”  

Additionally, some unfortunate anti-Catholic remarks by a Blaine supported helped throw New York into the Cleveland camp.  That's how it is with bigotry; don't go around despising people if you need their votes.



Result
Grover Cleveland: 219James Blaine: 182

1. Or else for the tendency of nails, paperclips, and iron-shavings to cling to his skin.

Presidential Losers #23: Winfield Scott Hancock

An election without notable voting fraud or character assassination. How dull.

The Democrats nominated Winfield Scott Hancock (named for former Presidential Loser, General Winfield “Old Fuss and Feathers” Scott.) This Winfield, although his political ideas seemed somewhat fuzzy, was an authentic war hero, who’d taken a decisive roll in Gettysburg. 

His nickname was “Hancock the Superb,” and even his enemies called him “The Thunder of the Potomac.” Republican candidate Garfield must’ve been cursing his luck to be running against such a matinee idol. 

Winfield did a lot more for the country than shoot Confederates; he was also responsible for shooting Confederate spies – it was he that oversaw the execution of John Wilkes Booth’s co-conspirators, including boarding-house operator Mary Surrat. 1 

After overseeing Reconstruction in Texas and Louisiana, where he won the gratitude of the population by relatively lenient policies, he was shipped out west to the Department of the Dakota, where he provided a military escort for an expedition of the Yellowstone Region, contributing to the ultimate creation of the park. (This guy just gets better and better, doesn’t he?) 

His relationships with the Indians were higgledy-piggledy; everything would be going along swimmingly for a while, and then some Union soldiers would massacre some Blackfoot or burn a village or some white settlers would steal some land, and the Indians would decide to take offense. 

In spite of Winfield’s impressive resume, a strong economy helped put Garfield in the White House, marking twenty-four years of consecutive Republican administrations, but the margin was thinner than a supermodel’s waist: although the electoral vote was decisive, Garfield squeaked by with a popular vote majority of less than 2000 votes.


The Result
James Garfield: 214Winfield Scott Hancock: 155

1. Hancock felt some qualms about shooting a defenseless woman, but it's not as if the men he executed could defend themselves either. Their hands were tied behind their backs.

Presidential Losers #22: Sam Tilden

The Centennial campaign began with a vigorous debate on the issues and a free exchange of ideas.  Democrats claimed that Rutherford Hayes stole the salaries of dead Union soldiers and had shot his own mother.  Republicans maintained that Tilden was a pathological liar and alcoholic with a case of syphilis.  

But the real fun came after the voting.  Tilden won the popular vote, and also had 184 electoral votes to Hayes’ 165.  Twenty electoral votes remained contested: the votes from Florida, South Carolina, and Louisiana, and one vote in Oregon.  

In spite of the fact that Tilden was a “reform” candidate, it seems both parties were in a race to out-steal the election.  Republicans carped that Democrats had intimidated voters, kept blacks from voting, and tricked illiterate Republicans by giving them Democratic ballots printed with pictures of Abraham Lincoln.  

In Florida, Republicans claimed a 922-vote victory, whereas Democrats claimed they'd won by a margin of 94; however, accurate counting was impossible because some of the ballots had been smeared with ink. 1 

Congress established a 15-man electoral commission made up of representatives, senators, and Supreme Court justices. There were seven Democrats, seven Republicans, and one independent, Justice David Davis.   A plan by Tilden’s nephew to elect Davis to the U.S. Senate and thereby sway his vote backfired when Davis recused himself and was replaced by a Republican.  

The result was a compromise in which Rutherford Hayes, affectionately know as Rutherfraud ever after, became president and in return, granted the desire of southerners who felt they’d been quite reconstructed enough, thank you, and could do without the greed, violence, and corruption of a Yankee power structure, having in place a Southern white power structure capable of providing enough greed, violence, and corruption to last a century.
Result
Rutherford Hayes: 185Samuel Tilden: 184
1. Sound familiar?

Presidential Losers #21: Horace Greeley

After the narrowly-won election in 1868, Republicans began rolling up their sleeves to battle the Democratic ticket in 1872.   When they saw it was Horace Greeley, they rolled their sleeves back down again.  

Horace, or “Gratz,” as his pals called him, was something of a drinker, and during a campaign picnic, became so inebriated, he attempted to butter a watermelon. 1 A newspaperman and editor, Greeley dabbled in phrenology and Fourierism – a utopian belief that one day seas would turn to lemonade and the North Pole would be as balmy as the Mediterranean.2  As if these ideas weren’t nutty enough, he also thought women should have the right to vote.  

Speaking of women’s suffrage, (“So suffer!” advised their opponents.) a third candidate, not pictured, was Victoria Woodhull who satisfied all the most paranoid miscegenation nightmares of unreconstructed southerners by selecting former slave Frederick Douglass as as her running-mate.

Woodhull’s candidacy was illegal, however, not because she was a woman, but because she was only 34 years old.  (While the Constitution mandated women couldn’t vote, it didn’t say they couldn’t run.)  

Meanwhile, vigilant law-abiding citizens arrested women who tried to vote, and Woodhull herself spent election night in jail for “indecency.” 3 

Incumbent Grant ran on a solid record of graft, cronyism, and service to special interests; meanwhile, Greeley added to the surrealism of the entire election by dropping dead before the electors from any of the states he did win had cast their votes, so although he lost soundly, he fared better than any posthumous candidate before or since.  

Nevertheless, his demise left many questions unanswered, specifically – what was with that beard?  I swear, it seems to be growing out of his collar.
Result
Ulysses S Grant: 286Horace Greeley: 66
1.Unsuccessfully.2. OK, so he was half right.3. Her principles were showing.

Presidential Losers #20: Horatio Seymour

Following the Civil War everyone seemed to be in a grumpy mood; it was like the whole nation woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  

Ulysses S Grant, who neither sought the nomination nor made any effort to campaign, had nevertheless outlined a detailed post-war policy which ran thus: “Let us have peace.” 1 This seemed to make good sense, but Democrats weren’t having it.  

During the campaign, Republicans stuck to important issues of the election, pointing out that Horatio’s dad committed suicide and therefore it was a sure thing Horatio himself was a loony, and you’d better vote for Ulysses unless you wanted a nut-job picking flowers off the wallpaper in the Oval Office.  (The beard alone is enough to make you doubt his sanity.  What was he thinking?)  

In spite of these soundly-reasoned arguments, the popular vote was alarmingly close as far as Republicans were concerned: 3,013,650 for Grant, and 2,708,744 for Seymour.  

What’s worse, Horatio won New York, which the Republicans never saw coming.  Had women been allowed to vote, the election might well have gone to the Democrats. 2 

After this, Republican campaign managers learned their lesson and concentrated less on personal attacks in future elections, sticking to the tried-and-true method of voter fraud.
Result
Ulysses S Grant: 214Horatio Seymour: 80
1. Supporters loved pointing out Grant's initials were "US."  They were also "UG."
2. In the assault of Cold Harbor alone, casualties were 52,000 Union Soldiers and 37,000 Confederates, meaning a potential 89,000 widows champing at the bit to vote for Seymour.

Presidential Losers #19: George McClellan

Disaffected with the Civil War, which wasn't turning out as much fun as everyone had hoped, Democrats nominated George McClellan as an anti-war alternative, an odd thing given that George was the former General-in-Chief of the Union Army.

On the other hand, as generals go, his military record was an ideal one for a peace candidate.  Lincoln once asked politely if could borrow the army for a while since George didn't seem to be using it.  So angered was Congress with George's tardiness in dealing with Confederates camped within spitting distance of DC, they called him to testify and justify his actions, or lack thereof.  George, however, had a doctor's note explaining he was sick and couldn't attend.

George had little chance of winning the election because most of the states that would have voted against Lincoln were in the Confederacy anyway and couldn't vote, and Union soldiers, in a touching display of patriotism and voter fraud, intimidated potential Democrats at the polls, voted in states where they were not registered, and, in extreme cases, rose from the dead to cast their ballots for the Great Emancipator.  

The outcome proved George McClellan every bit as effective a presidential candidate as he had been a general.



Result
Abraham Lincoln: 212George McClellan: 21

Presidential Losers #18: John Breckenridge, John Bell, Stephen Douglas

John BellIn the election of 1860 tensions were high.  It was pretty evident the southern states were ready to split from the Union, and whoever was elected president would have a bloody, protracted Civil War on his hands.  

Naturally, everyone wanted a piece of that.  
John Breckinridge
There were not two, but four, major presidential candidates, if we count Abraham Lincoln.  You might say Abe was not a nationally recognized candidate because his name didn’t even appear on the southern ballots. 1  Nevertheless, it was evident that he was the man to beat, and a lively good-natured smear campaign was directed against him, particularly for his folksy ways and “slang-whanging stump speaker style.” 2 

Political cartoonists with rapier-like wit made the cognoscenti ponder deeply the consequences of a Republican White House with pictures of thick-licked black men kissing white women while Abe looked on unconcerned. 3
Stephen DouglasThe most memorable of the also-rans was fourth-place finisher, Stephen Douglas – also known as “The Little Giant” 4 – who introduced a new wrinkle into presidential campaigns by actually campaigning. While Abe and the others stayed put, Steve set off to “visit his mother;” the trip from New York City where Douglas lived to upstate New York where Mamma lived, somehow took him through New England, Pennsylvania, and Maryland.  Then he had to go see his lawyer, which took him through lengthy detours in the south.  

In spite of all his efforts, the electoral votes in the populous free states gave Lincoln a comfortable majority.




The Result
Abraham Lincoln: 180John Breckenridge: 72John Bell: 39Stephen Douglas: 12

1. He probably wouldn't have gotten many votes down there anyways.

2. For a sample of what his enemies were referring to, consider these lines from the Gettysburg Address: "It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." (Whang that slang, Abe!)
3. Actually the white girls in the pictures didn't seem too bothered by it either.
4. By this logic, Lincoln was a Very Tall Dwarf.