Man Martin's Blog, page 99

Presidential Losers #44: Gerald Ford

See FootnoteThe election of 1876 centered on the biggest presidential scandal up to that time - the engineered election of Rutherford "Rutherfraud" B Hayes.  For the Bicentennial, we out-did ourselves.  

As he was proud of saying about himself, Nixon was no quitter.  This is what he said the day he quit.  Vice-president Spiro Agnew, having earlier resigned in disgrace, Nixon selected Gerald Ford as the new VP.  He'd been second banana less than ten months before Nixon's resignation and his ascension to the top spot.  

In his speech accepting the presidency, Ford said, "Let us restore the golden rule to our political process, and let brotherly love purge our hearts of suspicion and hate."  Less than a month later, in a touching display of brotherly love and golden-rulism, Ford pardoned Nixon for any crimes "he may have committed against the United States."  

Lyndon Johnson once opined that Ford was too dumb to fart and chew gum at the same time, but this underestimated a canny economic mind.  Battling a sagging economy and rising prices, in a nationally-televised speech Ford introduced the "WIN" button, urging Americans to wear the red-and-white button standing for "Whip Inflation Now."  

It is unclear how many Americans actually wore the button, but no economist has ever been able to calculate the effect wearing these buttons had on the nation's economy.  

Against Ford was a relative unknown from Georgia, Jimmy Carter; but following years of political scandal that seemed to touch virtually every politician in DC, the last thing Americans wanted was a known.  Given this, it's surprising Carter didn't have a bigger victory, winning by the popular vote by a margin of only 2 percent, but a win is a win is a button.

Result
Jimmy Carter: 297
Gerald Ford: 240

Footnote: One of the great non-stories of Ford's presidency was the supposed inability of political cartoonists to caricature him.  It was really no big deal, however; as Atlanta Journal cartoonist Clifford "Baldy" Baldowski pointed out, drawing Gerald Ford was basically the same as the Frankenstein monster without those little bolts coming out of his ears.

Presidential Losers #43: George McGovern

Energized by pressing issues of the Vietnam War, Civil Rights, and the Economy, voters stayed home in droves.  The '72 election had the lowest voter turnout in 20 years.  Only 55% of the voters turned up, but those 55% went solidly for Richard Nixon, thanks largely the efforts of a committed group of idealists called the Committee to Re-Elect the President or CREEP. 1 

The folks at CREEP had a number of cool ideas.  Possibly the coolest was after the attempted assassination of George Wallace; Nixon suggested scattering Democratic campaign literature at the crime scene to make it look like the liberals were behind the attempted murder of America's most beloved segregationist.  This plan never panned out, but enough ideas came to fruition that the Democrats were pretty much sabotaged coming and going.  

To wit, breaking into a psychiatrist's office uncovered the juicy tidbit that the vice-presidential candidate, Thomas Eagleton, had received electroshock therapy for depression.  Americans were rightly outraged at Tom's lack of gumption, if you're depressed, by golly, then just cheer up!2  

Eagleton was dumped and replaced with Sargent Shriver, whom many Americans thought was an album by the Beatles and others a famous canine movie hero similar to Rin-Tin-Tin.  

The highpoint of CREEP's antics was a bungled break-in of Democratic Headquarters in the Watergate Hotel.  (The burglars found nothing of use, by the way.)  

All of this came to light during the Watergate Hearings, during which, a crucial piece of evidence were tape-recordings that Nixon himself had authorized.  This really calls into question whether it was Nixon or Eagleton who was more in need of psychiatric counseling.  Being a criminal may not necessitate a genius IQ, but at least it calls for a minimum of non-dumb-ass-ness.  By God, if you're going to subvert the Constitution, then for heaven's sake, don't freaking tape-record your conversations.  Not since presidential loser James Blaine was brought low by an incriminating letter ending with the instructions "burn this letter," has any political felon shown such wild disregard for common sense.

In the meantime, it was a landslide with McGovern under it.  McGovern didn't even win his own state of South Dakota.

Result
Richard Nixon: 520George McGovern: 17
1. Nixon's campaign staff had many abilities, but coming up with good acronyms wasn't one of them. 2. It was put about that Eagleton told an interviewer that McGovern was in favor of "amnesty, abortion, and acid."  This is untrue.  Eagleton distinctly said "pot" not "acid."

Presidential Losers #42: Hubert Humphrey and George Wallace

Hubert HumphreyAlabama Governor, George Wallace split from the Democratic party and ran as an independent, appealing to any voters who still missed the good ol' days of racial segregation.  There turned out to be about ten million of them.

George WallaceHumphrey had a hard time as LBJ's former veep, because the nation had turned on Johnson like milk left out on a radiator overnight.  The Great Society wasn't working out so great, and the Vietnam War was an enormous liability for Johnson, which is why he decided not to run.  Protesters around the nation chanted "Hey, hey, LBJ, how many kids did you kill today?"  Which is kind of stupid because if the protesters wanted to know, they could just watch it on tv like anybody else.  

Nixon ran on a "law and order" campaign (which meant he wasn't going to put up with these damn protesters) appealing to the "silent majority" (which meant all the people willing to sit down and shut up).  Democrats said "law and order" was a code word for racism, but that's not fair.  The racism candidate was clearly George Wallace.  

Nixon proposed ending the draft, which he figured would quell the protests, since he thought it was mostly rich kids in the demonstrations.  Poor kids, he figured, wouldn't protest; being poor is a full-time job, and doesn't leave time for sit-ins.

Humphrey began denouncing the Vietnam War, and on Halloween got  a boost in the polls when Johnson announced an end to the bombing and a possible peace deal.  The deal fell through, and Johnson believed that Nixon had sabotaged the Paris peace talks by promising South Vietnam sweeter terms under a Republican administration.  This, however, is just raw paranoia on Johnson's part; to believe that, you might as well think Nixon would use the IRS to harass political enemies or spend campaign funds digging up dirt to discredit opponents.  

Political sage Foster Brooks credited Hubert's loss to poor timing; he happened to run at the same time as Richard Nixon.  If the election had been a day earlier or a day later, Hubert would have been in the White House.  

Result
Richard Nixon: 301
Hubert Humphrey: 191George Wallace: 46

Presidential Losers #41: Barry Goldwater

Barry Goldwater was a serious thinker who profoundly altered American politics.  Ridiculing such a man would be a cheap shot.  We're going for the cheap shot. 

Goldwater started the race about four laps behind.  The assassination of JFK meant incumbent Johnson's candidacy had a powerful emotional impetus behind it.  On top of this, Kennedy had lowered taxes, lifting us from a recession - and on the Civil Rights front, he'd faced down Governor Wallace in Alabama over integrating the University of Alabama.  On foreign affairs, he'd been less than stellar: a google search reveals that "fiasco" is the word that most commonly follows Bay of Pigs. 

Back to Goldwater.

His most famous quotation is "Extremism in defense of liberty is no vice, and moderation is no virtue," a paraphrase of Cicero.  Another great quotation was, ""Sometimes I think this country would be better off if we could just saw off the Eastern Seaboard and let it float out to sea."  (Goldwater was from Arizona.)  Nor was Goldwater  shy about the possibility of using nuclear weapons, once saying, "Let's lob one into the men's room at the Kremlin as an example."  

Democrats paraphrased his campaign slogan, "In your heart, you know he's right," to "In your guts, you know he's nuts."  A famous anti-Goldwater ad showed a little girl plucking petals off a daisy followed by a montage of mushroom clouds.  Not until the film "Bambi Meets Godzilla" was there another such juxtaposition of innocence and destruction.

After his defeat, Goldwater returned to the Senate and pursued his interests in Hopi "Kachina" dolls (he collected over 430) and UFOs.  Goldwater was convinced that the Air Force was covering up knowledge of extraterrestrial visitors, later telling Larry King "They may not look like us, but I have very strong feelings that they have advanced beyond our mental capabilities."

Hearing chilling speculation of smarter-than-Goldwater outer-space aliens, Larry cut to a commercial.

Result
Lyndon Johnson: 486Barry Goldwater: 52

Presidential Losers #40: Richard Nixon

For a lot of people 1960 was the beginning of an era in a way that 1940, 1950, and 1970 weren't.  A lot of that had to do with the defeat of Nixon by Kennedy.  

Nixon had a better resume, but he just couldn't seem to catch a break.  For starters, the country happened to be in a recession, and then Eisenhower offered only lukewarm support.  Actually, lukewarm is too strong a word.  Eisenhower would have needed to heat it up to get to lukewarm.  When asked what ideas Nixon had contributed to the president, Eisenhower said, "If you give me a week, I might think of one."  

The supposed "turning point" was the televised debates when a stubbly-faced, pale Nixon went up against John F Kennedy. 1

 But the real turning point was election night itself.  In spite of the lopsided electoral vote, Kennedy won the popular vote by less than one tenth of one percent.  Republicans cried foul, saying Kennedy had benefited from widespread fraud in Chicago and Texas.  (Had Nixon won these two, he would have carried the electoral college.)  

For example, the patriots in little Fanin County in Texas, with only 4,895 registered voters, cast over 6,000 votes.  Chicago Mayor Daley, whose political machine routinely delivered whopping victories to Democrats held back a lot of the Chicago vote until the morning of November 9th.  

When the votes were "counted" - a lot of the ballots seem to have disappeared - Kennedy had won Chicago with a ten-percent margin, overcoming Nixon's victory in the rest of the state.  Although things smelled fishy, subsequent reports said it didn't smell of an entire tuna, which would have been enough to say the election was actually stolen.  In a recount, the only state that went to Nixon from Kennedy was Hawaii.

Result
John Kennedy: 303Richard Nixon: 219
1. The F stood for "Freaking Beefcake."

Presidential Losers #39: Adlai Stevenson

Yep, in spite of having his butt whipped by Eisenhower the first go-round, Stevenson came back for another butt-whipping four years later.  For such a smart guy, Stevenson wasn't very bright.

Eisenhower had gotten us (mostly) out of the mess in Korea, declaring it a tie.  He sent 900 military advisers to help out some little country no one had ever heard of called South Vietnam where the French army had mucked things up as per usual.  But the North Vietnamese, or whatever they called themselves, were a dip-squat insurgency, and we could be sure we'd never have any serious trouble out of them.  

So all in all, the Eisenhower presidency suited everyone just fine, and Stevenson had as much chance as Frosty the Snowman on vacation in Havana.  The most interesting side-show of the election revolved around Ike's VP and future presidential loser, Richard Nixon.  

Nixon had been accused of mishandling campaign funds and pressure was mounting in the Republican party to drop him from the ticket.  His political survival on the line, Nixon gave a televised address which deserves to go down in history alongside Antony's funeral oration for Caesar as one of the most brilliant and effective examples of rhetoric ever written.  

With a masterful blend of class envy, self-pity, and counter-attack, Nixon completely turned the tables on his political opponents.  At the end of his speech, he confessed to having received a campaign gift he would never return - a black-and-white cocker-spaniel named "Checkers," which his daughter loved.  

By this point, tears were rolling down the cameraman's cheeks.  And Eisenhower, watching from the White House, knew he could never dump Nixon from the ticket.


Result
Dwight Eisenhower: 457Adlai Stevenson: 73

Presidential Losers #38: Adlai Stevenson

Everyone agrees that Adlai Stevenson was intelligent, articulate, and witty.  Clearly a man like this would never be president.  A voter once said to him, "Every thinking person in America will vote for you," to which Stevenson replied, "That won't be enough, ma'am, I need a majority."  

Harry Truman, whose approval ratings had sunk so low, you'd need a shovel and a flashlight to find them, urged Stevenson to seek the Democratic nomination.  Stevenson spent the night in the Lincoln bedroom, awed at the historic furnishings surrounding him.  He spent the night on the couch, unaware that the room had recently been refurnished, and he was sleeping on the only genuine antique in the room. 1

Up against Stevenson was Dwight Eisenhower; this was like a race for class president between the first-string quarterback of the football team and the captain of the chess club.  Eisenhower was a five-star general who'd driven Nazis out of Europe in World War II.  In '32 he'd also helped fight off some pesky World War I veterans who'd come to Washington to demand their pay bonuses.2
 On top of all this, Eisenhower routinely shot in the low '80's in golf.

By comparison, Stevenson was a brain.  

OK, so his grandfather had been vice president.  Very big whoop.  Instead of a sexy nickname like "Ike," Stevenson was called "Egghead."  (Get it?  His brain was really big, and he was bald, so his head looked like an egg!  Ha-ha-ha-ha!  Republicans are sooo funny!)  

Think about it; with the Cold War heating up, and Commies infiltrating Hollywood like termites in swiss cheese,3 who would you want running the White House - a five-star general and a scratch golfer, or a straight-A student who talks about social justice and stuff?

Case closed.

Result
Dwight Eisenhower: 457Adlai Stevenson: 73


1. Mrs. Stevenson was back home in Illinois.
2. The attack on the "Bonus Army" was really a very peaceful operation and involved some of the brightest stars from World War II: General Patton, General MacArthur, and Dwight Eisenhower, at the time an aid to MacArthur.  There were only 55 injuries, and one woman who miscarried.  One protester did die later, but doctors said it was enteritis, although the "tear gas didn't do it any good."  In a later biography, Eisenhower recollected saying he told  "that dumb son-of-a-bitch [MacArthur] not to go down there.  I told him it was no place for the Chief of Staff."  In spite of this, at the time Eisenhower wrote the official report endorsing MacArthur's actions.
3. I'm running out of similes.  Sorry.

Presidential Loser #37: Thomas Dewey and Strom Thurmond

Strom Thurmond Thomas DeweyAfter being elected for an unprecedented four terms, winning each time by a landslide, Roosevelt died in office, and his VP, Harry Truman had taken the reins.  

Virtually every analyst, pundit, and pollster predicted Dewey would win, perhaps by the same logic of people who bet "red" on roulette when black has come up four times in a row.  (The Republicans just have to win sooner or later.)  

Truman's chances were dimmed by a three-way split in the Democratic party: a progressive splinter group formed a party calling themselves the Progressives.  (They were very liberal, but not so good at coming up with catchy names.)  They nominated FDR's former VP, Henry Wallace.  Meanwhile, conservative southern Democrats, calling themselves the States Rights Party or Dixiecrats - now, those are cool names, why can't liberals come up with names like that? - nominated Strom Thurmond.  The States Rights Party championed conservative fiscal policies; specifically they felt allowing blacks into public schools and voting booths would damage the free enterprise system.

On the campaign trail, Dewey raised provocative, thought-provoking issues.  The Lousiville Courier-Journal summed up the Dewey campaign message thus: "Agriculture is important. Our rivers are full of fish. You cannot have freedom without liberty. Our future lies ahead.”  The Republican platform, daring and right-wing, called for an expansion of Social Security, more funding for public housing, and help from the federal government for health and education.1

On November 2, Dewey, his family, and staff stayed up all night in a New York Hotel listening to election returns.  It was like waiting for Santa when Santa doesn't come.  Although Truman had only 49% of the popular vote, he won by an electoral landslide, bringing the US its fifth consecutive Democratic administration.2


Result
Harry S Truman:3 303Thomas Dewey: 189Strom Thurmond: 39
1. Republicans had been out of office for a long time and were very confused.
2. They were in the Roosevelt Hotel, which should have been a bad sign.
3. Harry Truman had no middle name.  The "S" just stands for "S."

Presidential Loser #36: Thomas Dewey

By 1944, Republicans must've been sick and tired of Roosevelt.  Unfortunately for Thomas Dewey, nobody else was, and the result was another landslide for FDR.  

Paris had been liberated and Japan had been pushed out of the Phillipines, so the Axis powers were pretty much on the ropes; peace seemed to be around the corner, and Hollywood was anticipating decades of movies in which all the villains would all have German accents.  We had made staunch allies with the Soviet Union and there was no reason to expect any trouble out of them.  

Dewey ran on the same tired accusations of Roosevelt's "wasteful" government spending, although in truth, Roosevelt was responsible for many money-saving efficiencies.  For example, they hadn't needed to reprint the White House Stationary for twelve years.  

Another campaign issue was Roosevelt's supposed "declining health," which FDR laughed off with his typical wit and verve.  He died four months after the election.

Some people looked no deeper than Dewey's appearance: a prominent socialite once called him, "The little man on the wedding cake," but former president Herbert Hoover also noticed Dewey's intellect, saying "No one can grow a moustache like that without having it affect his mind."  

His defeat by Roosevelt, however, was only a stepping stone for Thomas Dewey.  He would go on to be defeated by Harry Truman.


Result
Franklin Roosevelt: 432Thomas Dewey: 99

Presidential Loser #35: Wendell Wilkie

Wendell's campaign slogan was "Win with Wilkie," but it wasn't fooling anybody.  You know when a kid's named Wendell Wilkie, he's going to grow up one day to be a presidential loser.  

The Wilkie race was a rout, but not quite to the extent Alf Landon had been.  Republican strategists could confidently extrapolate that if they kept picking up votes as they had in the last two elections, they could defeat Roosevelt by 1952 or '56 at the latest.  This appeared to be about the same time frame when the New Deal would finally solve the Great Depression.  

After two Democratic terms, unemployment was still over 14%.  It seemed FDR would create programs and shovel out dough, but unemployment would inch down only a little.  Then he'd create more programs and shovel more dough, but unemployment still only inched down a little.  No one could figure out why this wasn't working.  (Fortunately, for some reason or other, in 1942, unemployment suddenly dropped to 4.7%.)

Republicans charged Roosevelt wanted to get us into a European war, but nothing could be further from the truth.  Roosevelt sent Joe Kennedy to suss out the situation in Europe, and Kennedy came back with an upbeat, optimistic assessment: "Democracy is finished in Europe, and it may be finished here," so as far as anybody knew, things were hunky-dory. 1

In any case, Roosevelt won the election handily, and Wendell became his unlikely supporter during World War II, serving as Roosevelt's personal representative to Britain, the Middle East, the Soviet Union, and China. 2


Result
Franklin Roosevelt: 449Wendell Wilkie: 82
1. Some people accused Joe Kennedy himself of being an anti-Semite, but his remarks have been taken out of context.  A comment like, "[some] individual Jews are all right... but as a race they stink. They spoil everything they touch" might be taken any number of ways.
2.Wilkie is rumored to have an affair with Chiang Kai-Shek's wife, Soong May-Ling.  Not that this has anything to do with being a presidential loser, except to say, "Way to go, Wendell!"