Man Martin's Blog, page 100

Presidential Losers # 34: Alf Landon

The word "landslide" does not even begin to cover the scale of Alf Landon's defeat.  "Blowout," "massacre," "tsunami," none of these are adequate.  

Imagine, perhaps, the planets Jupiter, Neptune, and Saturn all landing on top of Alf shortly after alligators, crocodiles, and other animals of a similar temperament have chewed, eaten, and digested his body, and then been eaten themselves by another set of alligators and crocodiles, meanwhile a tidal wave comes in and carries the whole mess a way, and Alf gets a flat tire.  

Something like that.  

Alf did so little campaigning on his own behalf, that columnist Westbrook Pegler wondered if they shouldn't file a missing persons report.  The Republican party, in a sudden burst of altruism, sent $5 checks to 400 black pastors urging them to vote for the party of Lincoln, but to no avail.  Landon lost in 46 of 48 states, including Kansas, where he was governor.

The reason, of course, was the magnificent success of the New Deal.  In just four short years, Roosevelt had taken America from a devastating Depression with 24% unemployment rate to a booming, robust economy with a 20% unemployment rate.  

FDR had switched course on a campaign promise to reduce "unneccessary government agencies," proliferating them to such an extent, if must've provoked worry that a mere 26 letters in the alphabet would be insufficient to identify them all.  One program was an annuity plan by which benefits would be paid to retirees from payroll taxes on those still working.  

In the private sector, this is known as a Ponzi Scheme; Roosevelt called it Social Security.  

Roosevelt also took the controversial move of placing former bootlegger and Wall Street operator Joe Kennedy in charge of the brand-spanking new Security Exchange Commission.  Kennedy, however, was a great success at the post because he knew all the sneaky and underhanded tricks firsthand, and reformed everything, so we haven't had a speck of trouble from Wall Street ever since.


Result
Franklin Roosevelt: 523Alf Landon: 8

Presidential Losers #33: Herbert Hoover

The stock market crashed one year into Hoover’s administration, and by 1932, unemployment had reached nearly 25%.  

FDR went on the attack, calling the Hoover administration, “the greatest spending administration in peacetime history.”  John Nance Garner, FDR’s running mate, said Hoover was “leading the country down the path of socialism.”  FDR vowed to "abolish useless offices" and "eliminate unnecessary functions of Government," stating that "Government—Federal and State and local—costs too much.”  (I know, I know, it’s goofy-crazy-weird, but that’s what they said.)  

FDR didn’t propose any specific remedies except that he wouldn’t be Hoover, and evidently for the electorate, that was enough.  

On the campaign trail Hoover ran the gauntlet of public scorn.  (Just look at him.  Can’t you tell how sad he looks?)  His railway car was pelted with rotten eggs and garbage, and one would-be assassin was apprehended carrying several sticks of dynamite.  (He wasn’t taking chances with any measly gun.)  

Roosevelt and Hoover had once been fast friends, but they became even faster enemies.  After his election, Roosevelt exacted petty vengeance on his predecessor, dropping from the White House birthday card list, and changing the name of Hoover Dam to Boulder Dam.  Post-politics, Hoover turned to his first love, fishing, saying, "All men are equal before fish."  Another thing he said was, "Every time we make ends meet, somebody moves the ends."

Result
Franklin Roosevelt: 472Herbert Hoover: 59

Presidential Losers #32: Al Smith

I don't care who knows it, I just love Al Smith.  Just look at him.  As soon as you see him, you just know he's going to have a name like Al Smith.  

Poor Al really never had a chance in the election of '28.  America had been just had two consecutive Republican administrations, and it seemed the more you voted Republican, the fatter and happier you got, and so Hoover was pretty much a shoo-in.  No one could imagine what could possibly go wrong.  (Did I mention the year was 1928?)  

Al's other problem was that he was a lamb to the slaughter Catholic which definitely meant that if elected, he'd be taking orders directly from the Pope.  And you know what that would mean.  Democrats tried to counter the anti-Catholic bigotry by claiming Hoover had once danced with a black woman.  (Hoover denied this and no one gave the story much credence; try to imagine Herbert Hoover dancing with anyone.)  

Another strike against Al Smith was that he opposed Prohibition, which was a marvelous success no matter how you looked at it.  Prohibition enjoyed support across a wide political spectrum from women's political groups, Protestant fundamentalists, and Italian Americans, especially in the Chicago area.  Smith never had a prayer.1



Result
Herbert Hoover: 444Al Smith: 87
1. The story goes that after the election, Smith sent a one-word telegram to Pope Pius: "Unpack."

Presidential Losers #31: John Davis, Robert La Follette

Robert La FolletteHarding, having died in office, the reins of the presidency fell to Calvin “Mr Personality” Coolidge.  His campaign slogan, "Keep cool with Coolidge," helped convey the president's breezy, informal social style.  

Coolidge (Republican) ran on a platform of limited government, low taxes, and low regulation.  His Democratic opponent, John Davis ran on a platform of low regulation, low taxes, and limited government.  You can see what a dogfight this was shaping up to be.  

Davis seems to have had all the electric personal magnetism of Coolidge but without a cool nickname like "Silent Cal."  After losing the election, Davis continued an illustrious legal career, arguing two cases before the Supreme Court, once in defense of a Steel Mill and once upholding the doctrine of "separate but equal."  1
La Follette entered the race in case any voters out there supported labor unions, higher taxes on the wealthy, and restraints on Big Business.  Evidently there weren't.  (Parenthetically, what is it about these leftie candidates?  They're either chrome-domes like Eugene Debs or their hair looks like they just stuck their tongue in a light socket like La Follette.)  

La Follette's enemies accused him of being unstable.  At a speech before a gathering of newspaper and magazine editors, La Follette had gone on a long and rambling tirade, repeating himself and frequently abusing - of all things, advertisers.  Attacking advertisers in front of a bunch of editors is as disastrous as coming out against basset hounds at a veterinarians' convention.  

La Follette had also vociferously opposed the Great War, opining that the sinking of the Lusitania had been justified.  (Like a lot of great orators, La Follette had no idea when to keep his mouth shut.)  

Anyway, the election was a landslide; the voters evidently deciding since there were two Republicans in the race, to vote for the one who called himself Republican.  Davis took the anti-Republican south, La Follette took his home state of sunny Wisconsin, and Coolidge took the rest.

Result:
Calvin Coolidge: 382John Davis: 136Robert La Follette: 13


1. And keep in mind, this guy was the Democrat.

Presidential Losers #: John Davis, Robert La Follette

Robert La FolletteHarding, having died in office, the reins of the presidency fell to Calvin “Mr Personality” Coolidge.  His campaign slogan, "Keep cool with Coolidge," helped convey the president's breezy, informal social style.  

Coolidge (Republican) ran on a platform of limited government, low taxes, and low regulation.  His Democratic opponent, John Davis ran on a platform of low regulation, low taxes, and limited government.  You can see what a dogfight this was shaping up to be.  

Davis seems to have had all the electric personal magnetism of Coolidge but without a cool nickname like "Silent Cal."  After losing the election, Davis continued an illustrious legal career, arguing two cases before the Supreme Court, once in defense of a Steel Mill and once upholding the doctrine of "separate but equal."  1
La Follette entered the race in case any voters out there supported labor unions, higher taxes on the wealthy, and restraints on Big Business.  Evidently there weren't.  (Parenthetically, what is it about these leftie candidates?  They're either chrome-domes like Eugene Debs or their hair looks like they just stuck their tongue in a light socket like La Follette.)  

La Follette's enemies accused him of being unstable.  At a speech before a gathering of newspaper and magazine editors, La Follette had gone on a long and rambling tirade, repeating himself and frequently abusing - of all things, advertisers.  Attacking advertisers in front of a bunch of editors is as disastrous as coming out against basset hounds at a veterinarians' convention.  

La Follette had also vociferously opposed the Great War, opining that the sinking of the Lusitania had been justified.  (Like a lot of great orators, La Follette had no idea when to keep his mouth shut.)  

Anyway, the election was a landslide; the voters evidently deciding since there were two Republicans in the race, to vote for the one who called himself Republican.  Davis took the anti-Republican south, La Follette took his home state of sunny Wisconsin, and Coolidge took the rest.

Result:
Calvin Coolidge: 382John Davis: 136Robert La Follette: 13


1. And keep in mind, this guy was the Democrat.

Presidential Losers #30: James Cox and Eugene Debs

James CoxThe two presumptive front-runners, Teddy Roosevelt and Woodrow Wilson, both suffered collapses of health, and the race was between relative unknowns Warren Harding and James Cox.  

Somehow I'd heard that a decisive factor in the 1920 election was women's suffrage, and that the vote had gone to Warren Harding because of his tremendous sex appeal.  I've looked at Warren's picture, and all I can say is, Whoa!  Maybe you had to see him with his shirt off.  He was studlier-looking than Cox, I'll give him that, but that's not saying much.  
Eugene Debs
Eugene Debs ran on the Socialist Party ticket but his campaign was hampered by being on the Socialist Party ticket.  Also the fact he was in prison.  Nevertheless, he got almost a million write-in votes.

After the Great War, people were pretty much sick of Democrats, and responded to Harding's call for a return to "normalcy." (No one called for a return to normalcy of English usage.)  

The election was less about Harding vs Cox, than a referendum on Wilson.  Wilson blamed German-Americans and Irish-Americans for rejection of the League of Nations, saying, "anyone  who carries a hyphen with him, carries a dagger that he is ready to plunge into the vitals of this Republic whenever he gets ready."  (Thank goodness we don't have any hyphenated Americans these days.)  

Woodrow's remarks did little to win the love of German- and Irish-Americans; moreover ,word was beginning to get out that the last years of Wilson's presidency, the executive branch had effectively been under the control of the first lady.  

No one seems to have asked Cox where he stood on the issue of  a major cover-up a president's physical disability.  Cox's running mate was Franklin Roosevelt.  

Democrats took the high road during the campaign, insinuating that Harding had "negro blood," but voters ignored this pertinent issue.  They were tired of warfare and international relations and ready to get down to the real business of American government: kickbacks, influence-peddling, and graft.



Result
Warren Harding: 404James Cox: 127
Eugene Debs: 0

Presidential Losers #30: Charles Evans Hughes

A close-fought race against incumbent Woodrow Wilson, who was helped mightily by the slogan, "He kept us out of the war."  A more accurate slogan would've added, "... up to now," or "Past performance does not guarantee future results," but presidential campaigns aren't won on accuracy.  

Charles, who'd been a Supreme Court Justice never got us in a war, either, but somehow the Republicans never thought to bring this up.  The Progressive Pary (aka Bull Moose) tried nominating Teddy Roosevelt again, but he wasn't having it, so they folded up their tents and went home.  

The word "pinko" was not in popular use in those days, but if it had been, Hughes would have employed it against Wilson.  Woodrow had all sorts of crackpot notions, such as limiting the work day to eight hours.  (What a goof!)  

The election was a squeaker, and the fatal mistake came when Charlie, who was on a campaign swing through California, stayed in the same hotel as Governor Hiram Johnson and neglected to pay him a visit.  A minor oversight, perhaps, but imagine the political ramifications if, say, Mitt Romney accidentally unfriended Donald Trump on Facebook.  Hiram Johnson, miffed, offered Hughes only lukewarm support, and previously-Republican California went to Wilson; if the thirteen electoral votes had gone to Hughes the outcome would have been different.  

Charles' loss had far-reaching political impact: he was the last presidential candidate with major-league facial hair.  The last president to have even a mustache - although it was a dandy - was Taft.  From that day to this, however, American presidents have been fuzz-less.1

Result
Woodrow Wilson: 277
William Howard Hughes: 254 
1. Wilson came to an unhappy end, sad to say.  After campaigning on a promise to keep us out of the war, he got us into it after all.  Afterwards, he came up with a typical Wilsonian crackpot notion of a cooperative international body that would mediate conflicts and search for peaceful solutions.  (I repeat: what a goof!)  He tried selling this idea to the American people with the implied promise, "Well, at least I can keep you out of the next war," but the American people gave him the collective raspberry.  In 1919 he suffered a stroke, which left him paralyzed on one side of his body and mentally impaired.  His wife hid this as much as possible from the Vice President, the cabinet, and the American people, at one time staging a fake "interview," with Louis Seibold.  In the text of the interview, Seibold ribbed Wilson about having a slight limp, to which Wilson's printed reply showed surprising good humor, considering in reality he was confined to a wheelchair and unable to speak.  Seibold won a Pulitzer Prize.

Presidential Losers #29: Teddy Roosevelt, William Howard Taft, Eugene Debs

Teddy RooseveltThe race began to get interesting when Teddy Roosevelt decided to enter the fray as a Bull Moose Candidate.  His mission was to defeat his own former VP, William Howard Taft, who'd proven to be a big disappointment in the White House. 1  The gist of it was that he felt Taft was far too conservative and hadn't followed the more liberal and progressive agenda he'd laid out.  (Liberal?  Progressive?  Weren't these guys the Republicans?) 

William Howard TaftThen, just for grins, the Socialist Party nominated Eugene Debs.  (You may think that's a funny name, but study his picture closely and tell me what else you could name him.)  

Debs ran into tough going because unlike today, Socialism wasn't a very popular concept back then, and he had to explain that he wasn't a Wobbly trying to overthrow capitalism, although some of those admittedly were in the party, and he wasn't one of these airie-fairie Fabian Socialists like George Bernard Shaw, although those were fine folks, too, and nor was he a "Gas-and-Water-Socialist" whatever the hell that was, but, well... and by the time he'd gotten that far, his listener had gone off to get a sandwich.  
Eugene Debs
In spite of this, the Socialists got a whopping 6% of the popular vote.  During a rally in New York, Debs' running mate Emil Seidel bragged that only four years ago people were throwing rotten vegetables and eggs at them, and now they weren't.  2 

This was the high point for Debs, though.  Wilson sent him to prison for treason for his opposition to World War I.  Debs ran for president again, but being in a penitentiary in Atlanta somewhat hampered his campaign, and he made a negligible showing.  He served four years of a ten-year prison sentence before Harding commuted his sentence so he could be home in time for Christmas and then die.  

Highlights of the '12 campaign included Taft's running mate dropping dead on the campaign trail, and John Flammang Schrank's attempted assassination of Teddy Roosevelt.  The bullet was stopped by a ninety-page speech in his pocket. 3


Result
Woodrow Wilson: 435Teddy Roosevelt: 88William Howard Taft: 8Eugene Debs: 0
1. How big was he?
2. Eggs were too expensive.
3. 90 pages!  Did Schrank want to kill him or just shut him up?

Presidential Losers 28: William Jennings Bryan

If you're sick of seeing Bryan's name, think how the voters must've felt.  The Republican slogan was "Vote for Taft now, you can vote for Bryan anytime."  

Bryan, older now, and not such a pretty boy, but every bit as much a crankcase, lost bigger than ever, but then in William Howard Taft, he faced much bigger opposition.1  

It seems even Bryan was capable of learning a lesson because he never ran again, but he remained a force in the Democratic party espousing the causes of enfranchisement, economic justice, and (yawn) bimetallism, a voice until the day he died for the common man.2  He was instrumental in getting Woodrow Wilson elected, and indirectly, therefore, bringing us Prohibition.3  

Bryan had one last hoo-rah in '25 at the famous Scopes "Monkey Trial" in Tennessee where he won a sterling victory against the causes of science and truth.  His opponent and former friend, Clarence Darrow, defended John Scopes for teaching evolution to high school students on the irrelevant basis that evolution is a fact.  Bryan argued from the unimpeachable position that evolution was against the law.  (Why can't these dang secular humanists understand this?)   

Among other moral objections to Darwin's so-called "theory" was that it taught we weren't even descended from good American monkeys but from old-world monkeys.


Result
William Howard Taft: 321William Jennings Bryan: 1621. Ah-ha-ha-ha.
2. The commoner, the better, as far as Bryan was concerned.
3, Thanks, Bryan!

Presidential Losers #27: Alton Parker

In 1904 Teddy Roosevelt had already been president for three years because anarchist Leon Czolgosz had assassinated MccKinley.

Czolgosz’s master plan was to stand in a receiving line to shake hands with the president, and when he got to the front, shoot. 

Having no escape route, Czolgosz was immediately apprehended by witnesses, who beat him so badly, it was feared he would not live to stand trial. 1 

Anyway.  The election was a foregone conclusion.  There was very little difference on the issues, so the campaign was all about charisma.  After an initial speech, which was deemed a "fiasco," Alton cunningly decided to keep his trap shut.  He tried managing a "front porch campaign," similar to the one that had proved successful for McKinley.  Unfortunately, Alton's front porch was in Esopus, New York.  And if you don't know where Esopus is, neither did many other people, and the strategy was a bust.

Alton, whom everyone seemed to agree was a swell guy, is the only presidential loser never to have a biography written about him, whereas Teddy Roosevelt was Teddy Roosevelt.

The southern states went to Alton but the White House went to Teddy.

Result
Teddy Roosevelt: 336Alton Parker: 140
1. That's the problem with anarchists: no organization.