Man Martin's Blog, page 104

"Rich" at Write Club

A performance I recorded for Write Club in Decatur on the topic of "Rich" vs "Poor."
I was pitted against John Carroll, whose topic was "Poor."  Here is my presentation, during which I seem to have been channeling someone named Bubba.  I cannot account for this.
My share of the proceeds benefitted the Suthers Center in Atlanta.  (Originally posted 2012)

My Ongoing Correspondence with Dr. Mrs. Cynthia Marcos (The Final Chapter)

Dear Chosen One,

Who is man to question the decision of Allah because we all know that our ways are not Allah’s way.

Secondly, I have decided to compensate you with 15% of the total sum while 5% will be mapped out for any incidental expenses in the cause of transferring the fund into your account.

I have also paid the lawyer for his service that means he cannot ask you any money for his fees; all I require of you is sincerity, transparency and honesty in making sure the rest money is implemented strictly on humanitarian.
The reason why I trusted a complete stranger was that my late husband’s relatives embezzled the money we gave them to start this project when my late husband was alive and that was why I have been praying over it for Allah to connect me divinely with anybody that have the spirit of helping the less privileged. Although I had intended contacting another person if I did not hear from you.

I have only few requirements from you namely:-
1. Open a new account and send me the details where I will instruct the bank to transfer the money while you sit back and watch, my reason for not asking for an existing account is that I will not want some mix-up along the line between my money and yours.
2. Send me your detail addresses and, contact Tel/fax numbers.

3. Any valid identification to confirm that you are genuine.
This is my full details for your perusal:-
NEXT OF KIN: - MRS. DR. CYNTHIA MARCOS
RELATIONSHIP:- ONLY WEDDED WIFE
ADDRESS: - COURT DES GRANDE, LOT 621 COCODY ABJ 01
STATE/CITY: - ABIDJAN
COUNTRY: - REPUBLIC OF COTE D’IVOIRE
DATE OF BIRTH: - 11-07-1952
NAME OF DEPOSITOR: - LATE MALLAM ALI M. AL-USMAN
ACCOUNT NAME: - ALI M. AL-USMAN
ACCOUNT NUMBER: - 101-078-75-19
BANK NAME: - FEDERAL SAVINGS BANK
AMOUNT: - TWELVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS

If you have more questions that require clarification, do not fail to ask me before I instruct my nurse to submit your names as my appointed foreign trustee.
Sallam,
DR. MRS. CYNTHIA MARCOS


Dear Dr. Mrs Cynthia Marcos,

Please, please forgive my long delay in getting back to you. I realize the last time you wrote you were on death's door. I know sometimes disease can wrack the body and yet not take the life, leaving its helpless victim hanging on by a straw and silently begging for the release of death which does not come. I hope this is what's happened for you, because if you've already croaked in the interim, it would be a terrible shame.

The fact is I've been terribly busy on another deal that I have just learned fell through. Perhaps you heard that here in the US, the PowerBall Jackpot reached some six hundred million or so. I'm not very good at math, but it seemed to me that if I bought TEN tickets, that would cover every possible combination and I'd be sure to win. You can imagine my astonishment when the winner was announced and it wasn't me. Apparently, I should have bought at least eleven. That's when I remembered you and your millions.

I think it is very prudent to trust a complete stranger to handle this money, especially given the way your in-laws treated you. After all, if you can't trust a complete stranger you meet on the internet, whom can you trust?  And if anyone dared suspect you were less than honest, your last email surely would have convinced him.  There it says on your bank statement that you have TWELVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS to the penny, and who could want more proof than that?

I have done my best to comply with your three requests - the information you need is below.

1. I tried to set up a new bank account, but when I told the lady at Wells Fargo that I needed it so a lady on the Ivory Coast could transfer 12 Million into it, she gave me a funny look. Then it turns out I can't open an account with less than $100 or I have to pay a special fee. (Maybe she's one of your in-laws, ha-ha.) Between you and me, I don't want my wife finding out about this. She's a wonderful human being, but every time I tell her about a new way to make 12 million on the internet, she puts a stop to it. So what I was thinking, if you could mail me a check for $100, then I could open the account, and you could transfer the rest in, and I'd pay you back the $100 out of that, and you could mail me the $100 back to me because that would have been part of the original 12 million anyway, so all you'd really have to send would be $11,999,900. That makes sense, doesn't it?

2. Certainly, you will need my detail address, so here it is. When you come off 400 North, you want to go East on I 285. (It may actually say South at that point, but in any case, go left.) Then, you get off on the very next exit, which is Ashford Dunwoody. (Actually, come to think of it, I think you have to go right off 400. If you go left and end up hitting Roswell Road, then it was right, and you'll need to get off and go back.) Anyway, like I said, get off on the very next exit, or - if you had to turn right after all, the exit after that, or you'll end up back on 400. Ha-ha. Then go right - I'm definitely sure you go right here. But don't get in the FAR right lane, or you'll end up on Lake Hearn, and you may never find your way out again. Then you turn left at the first stoplight. There may actually be one stop light before that, but if you turn in there it's just an office park and you'll know right away that it isn't where you want to go. So when you turn left under the first or possibly second stoplight - actually the more I think about it, the certainer I am that you'd need to turn right off 400 - there'll be a sign that says Oak Forest Drive, or at least there used to be, some workers took it down while they're repairing the sidewalk, so just look for a spot where you'd expect a sign to say Oak Forest, and if it isn't there, you'll know you're on the right road. If there is a sign saying Oak Forest, I honestly don't know what advice to give you. But we don't live on Oak Forest. Then when you come to a fork in the road, take it. Our house is on the right and there used to be a basketball goal, but there isn't.

I hope this is enough detail for you.  You can't miss it and if you do miss it, Oak Forest is a big circle so you'll come back around again anyway.

3. As far as valid identification, I'm about five foot ten inches tall with a compact, muscular build, and sparkling green eyes. An expression both confident and yet with a secret sadness, a man who has seen much and forgotten little. Usually, whenever I walk into a room, conversation falls silent, and attractive women look over their shoulders to see this mysterious man. If someone's playing a piano, he usually quits until I have a few moments to survey the room. Then I take a step forward, and conversation resumes again.  I assure you I am genuine.

I look forward to getting your check for $100 assuming you are still alive and still rich.

Man

(For some reason, Dr. Mrs. Cynthia Marcos never responded to this email.  I can only assume she finally succumbed to her illness.)

My Ongoing Correspondence with Dr Mrs Cynthia Marcos (Part 5)

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Dear Martin,

As-Salaam Alykum warahmathullahi wabarkathuhu

I am very happy in receiving your message, I believe you might have taken your time in reading and understanding my previous mail before replying me; My only concern is to make sure my promise to Allah is accomplished, that is why as a devoted woman in Islam I want to channel this money through you because I have the believe in my mind that you can help bring this project to reality, Insha Allah.

It might surprise you when you received this message but we all know that our ways are not Allah’s way, and pray that Allah will help strengthen you to use this money in the places of good importance so that the widows and the vulnerable will benefit from it, don’t forget that I am a victim of such circumstance and knows the kind of sufferings and humiliations widows undergo from their late husband’s family members.

Please, you should understand that this benevolence is in fulfillment of the desire and decision I have taken which I am persuaded to actualize, this fund is designated for humanitarian and Charity services with special emphasis on widows, which must be disbursed with every appropriation, accountability and prudence to the glory of Allah, Most Merciful and Most gracious.

I have been staying in the hospital all these days and my health conditions is not in good shape, I have believed in Allah for his wish to be done in my situation because He gives and takes life. Presently I neither walk nor stand with my feet, I move on wheel chair, you can emerging when an old woman of my age is suffering from such severe and serious illness.

Doctors have confirmed long time ago after series of diagnosis that I am suffering from Hypoglycemia (chronic cancer). Please help me thank Sister Angela, she is a wonderful person with good heart, she is the person helping in writing this mail because writing is very difficult for me and if am not allowed to use phone because of my condition.

I want you to take this project very serious and always respond very fast so we can conclude the fund transfer process before entering the theater because I have series of surgeries to undergo.
As soon as hear from I will inform my late husband about my decision to appoint you for this task so that he will give you the necessary legal advice and backup required for a successful wire transfer. I will also inform him to prepare an AUTHORIZATION LETTER for you, that is to legally and officially adopt you as my new beneficiary of the fund, the authorization letter will be submitted to the bank so that bank will release the fund to you, So that even if I am no more, your claim background will not have any doubt. I will send you the certificate of deposit of the fund together with the authorization letter as soon as you are ready.

Thanks and may Allah bless us all.
(Message on behalf of)
Dr Mrs Cynthia Marcos

Dear Dr Mrs Marcos,

I am so glad you were still alive enough to respond to my last email.

Actually, it does not surprise me at all that I should have been selected from billions of people to handle your largesse; I am quite certain this sort of thing happens all the time. By the way, and this issue has not quite been settled, exactly how large is the largesse we're talking about here. I'm willing to undertake the handling of any sum from 15 million USD all the way down to 7 million USD but I'd like to know in advance where the exact figure falls so I can map out all the charitable good I can do. (Parenthetically, I will say that I myself am an orphan, and just the other day, my wife made a cryptic remark that if I left the toilet seat up one more time, she expected to become a widow, so I think in all justice, a certain amount of the moolah should end up with yours truly, don't you?)

Certain parts of your transmission appear to have been garbled, but part of this is no doubt due to differences in our religious backgrounds. I personally was raised Episcopalean, so I haven't had many dealings with Allah, but he sounds like a real nice guy and someone I'd like to meet. I'm not sure exactly what expressions like warahmathullahi mean, but I assume it's something like "have a nice day" or "good on you." If that is the case, please accept my "back at you" and "akuna-matada" in return.

Finally, and again I apologize for any indelicacy, but your doctors haven't mentioned any words like "brain tumor" or "schizophrenia" in your diagnosis, have they? The reason I bring this up is that you say you'll be getting in touch with your late husband. This is very disturbing. I cannot even tell you how disturbing this is. If it's all the same to you, I'd rather leave our deceased loved ones out of this entirely and keep things between our lawyers and ourselves. I hope you do not consider this narrow-minded, but that's the way we do things here in the states.

Speaking of diagnoses, exactly which hospital are you at? I ask because I take it you are Islaamic, but the email you typed was with the assistance of Sister Angela. I'm just wondering, because if you're a Muslim in a Catholic Hospital it's possible, just barely possible, that they're pulling your leg. For example, I'm pretty sure hypoglecemia is not the word for chronic cancer. (I'd keep an eye on Sister Angela, too. Her erratic transcription of your letter may be an attempt at risibility.) I met a kid at Summer Camp named Payton Bridges who was Catholic, and he was a real cut-up, I can tell you. If you're wondering how to tell if your doctors are just ribbing you, or if you actually have a terminal illness, see if you can catch them giggling in the hallway when they think you're not around. Look for squirt flowers in their labcoats. One of them isn't named Payton or Dr Bridges, is he?

Meanwhile, I look forward to getting the AUTHORIZATION LETTER from your lawyer.

Best wishes,
Man Martin

My Ongoing Correspondence with Dr Mrs Cynthia Marcos (Part 4)

Dear Chosen One,

My name is Dr Mrs Cynthia Marcos, I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago. I have being lying critically ill at the hospital since January 12th, 2010 when I was recently diagnosed with Hypoglycemia.  I am not in the position to disburse these funds myself as a result of my health. I decided to will it to you so you can help me disburse the funds to some charity organization in your country; am helping you, so you can develop the time to disburse these funds on my behalf. I decided to WILL/donate some huge amount which was left over by my late husband; I know for sure you will be surprised if such things still happens, believe me the doctor says my chance of survival is very low.

Arrangements have been made with my attorney on how these funds should be transferred to your account from my bank. The necessary documents have been signed and ascertained. I am in an Intensive ward where I do not have access to receive calls as a result of my health condition. You are to work with my attorney who will assist in these funds transfer to your account. The State taxes have been paid on the day of deposit with the Bank. I will give you the contacts of my lawyer as soon as I hear from you.

Meanwhile you are advised to keep this mail and its contents confidential as I really want my wish accomplish at the end of the day without any of my relatives knowing about these funds, please do Remember me in your prayers as I give you the assurance that this is legal.

Regards,
Dr. Mrs. Cynthia Marcos


Dear Dr. Mrs. Cynthia Marcos,

First let me say how terribly sad I was to hear of your illness. To have cancer for two years and then to be diagnosed with hypoglycemia seems a blow too terrible to be borne. Just when you really need a candy bar, not to be able to have one. Thank goodness that while you're unable to make phone calls, you can still get to the Internet, or I might never have heard from you!

I will certainly be happy to disburse your funds to charity for you. Is it strictly required all the funds go to charity? It is indelicate of me to ask this, but I wondered if I might retain some of the money for my own use. My wife and I are considering updating our home entertainment center, and if a few thousand could be spared from providing dairy goats to needy families or whatever, it would be greatly appreciated. I assure you, the pleasure my wife and I would derive from watching NASCAR in high-def 3-D would more than offset any human suffering by some orphan somewhere going without a second helping of goat milk.

Speaking of which, how much money exactly is involved? This is a tricky situation, and again, I don't wish to be indelicate. The fact you can afford all this hospital care and still have spare loot for charity speaks to a fairly sizable pile of cash, but on the other hand - and again, I don't wish to be insulting - your grasp of ordinary English does not suggest you are an alum of one of the most elite private schools in the country.

Also, two years of medical care may have drained the savings account pretty severely, what with the cancer and hypoglycemia and all. It might even be possible, please forgive this speculation, but it's something we have to settle up front, that you are a loony. Did one of your doctors ever use phrases such as "paranoid schizophrenia" "delusional belief systems" or "crazy as a bed bug?"

I am sure these matters are very minor, and can quickly be resolved. In any case, let me know what steps I must take next, and we will proceed.

Hoping you are rich and still not dead,

Man Martin

(Originally posted 2012)

My Ongoing Correspondence with Dr. Mrs. Cynthia Marcos (Part 3)

I've always wanted to give it a try myselfI have been in periodic correspondence with a Ms Vanie Oscar of the Contonou Benin Republic regarding eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US that she wishes to hand over to me in order to disburse to various charities of my choosing (retaining for myself a modest 15% fee for my efforts).  After some initial misunderstandings, I think she and I have reached an accord, and I'm well on my way to closing the deal.  Here's her latest message and my reply.

Dearest Friend,

I received your message and i did not really understand your reply and you have nothing to lose than to receive this fund and let the WILL of God be done through you and your families because what is the benefit of a man that gain the whole world and lose the Kingdom of God?

If you can travel down here in person to come and receive this fund there is no problem and my lawyer will send you all necessary documents to obtain a visa in your country or if you can travel to United Kingdom, Holland, Belgium, Spain or France to receive this fund in person,there is no problem and i would like to hear from you soon.

Dr. Mrs. Cynthia Marcos

Dear Dr. Mrs. Cynthia Marcos,

Thank you for your letter.  Are you still feeling poorly?  Do you still have eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US?  (Please feel free to answer the second question first.)

I'm sorry you didn't understand my previous email, but I'm glad to say your communications are becoming increasingly lucid.  I flatter myself that my little grammar tutorials are partly responsible for this.  Your last letter is clarity itself, although I continue to be puzzled by your use of the lower-case /i/ for the first-person pronoun.  Obviously the shift key on your computer is functioning normally because you have no difficulty capitalizaing proper nouns such as Belgium, and can even use all caps to write "WILL" in the phrase "WILL of God."  By the way, there is something strangely terrifying about seeing this expression typed out this way.  I can't explain why.

I think the best plan is to have your lawyer meet me in one of the countries you list in your letter.  My preference is the United Kingdom because they talk almost like we do, which makes things a great deal easier.  By the way, does the United Kingdom include Canada?  I was never entirely straight on this point, but if it does, this really will be a snap.  I'll just drive North on I85, stop at the first McDonalds I come to once I cross the border, and wait for your lawyer.  I'll bring a large empty suitcase for the money.

If Canada isn't part of the United Kingdom, and the more I think about it, the more I'm sure it isn't, we can meet in London.  My wife and I visited there once, and while I can't remember where we stayed, there was a wonderful little pub across the street where they sold curry.  I'm sure if your lawyer went and asked around for a pub that sold curry, he'd have no difficulty finding the spot.  I think there was a man there named Kevin if that's any help.

Or, even easier, we could meet in France.  There's this thing in Paris called the Eiffel Tower, maybe you've heard of it (ha-ha).  I saw a movie once where a hand-off of diamonds or microfilm or something took place there, and I've always wanted to give it a try myself.  We will want to appear inconspicuous of course, but still be recognizable to each other.  For example, I could wear a red carnation.  Your lawyer could wear a blue beret or bring a parrot.  If your lawyer doesn't like parrots, he could just wear the beret.

So let me know which your lawyer prefers, London or Paris (or Canada - that would be perfect!) and we will set up our meeting.  Also, how large of a suitcase do I need for eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US, or is that something the lawyer will provide?

Looking forward to finalizing these last details,

Man Martin

(Originally Posted 2011)

My Ongoing Correspondence with Dr. Ms. Cynthia Marcos (Pt 2)

It's almost like they expect to get paid
every month.Some time back, I received an email from Dr Ms Cynthia Marcos,  informing me that she had eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US to disburse to charitable organizations, and requesting my assistance.  Her latest missive follows along with my reply:

Dearest Friend,

Thanks you for sending me your email and I thank you for your reply because i really appreciated your mail and i pray as you wish for me so it shall be with you and your family in Jesus Name. I want to assured you that you will have no regret on this transaction,all i ever want is for my goal to be achieved before death came calling,and whatever you do in this life God will reward you according to your behavior and you will be reward immediately the fund arrive in your bank account which i believe that God knows everything in this life,i will like you to send me your full details to start the processing for you to receive this fund, my late husband is a philanthropist.

I will like you to receive the money in your bank account OR if you can travel down here to come and collect the fund by yourself then there is no problem and you can use the opportunity to see me in person and my lawyer will arrange every necessary documents for you to obtain a visa in your country over there and after you receive the fund you can use it to the charity people and orphan children around you and God will be with you as well.

I am very sick and l am plan to sign all the necessary document that will enable you to get power over it.i will like you to give me your full details below this message:

1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. YOUR HOME ADDRESS
3. YOUR AGE
4. YOUR OCCUPATION
5. YOUR COUNTRY
6. YOUR MOBILE NUMBER
7. YOUR IDENTIFICATION

Kindly give me these information so that i can send you the application form that you will fill and send it to the bank for the transfer the fund and you have to understand that the draft application form that you will use to contact the bank for the withdrawal will be sent to you and i will be very grateful if it is possible for you to withdraw the fund within a week.

I wait for your reply.
Mrs Vanie R Oscar

Dear Ms Oscar:

First let me say how sorry I am to hear about your illness.  I hope it is not too painful and will not prevent you from drawing out the eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US for me to disburse as mentioned in our last letter.  I suppose it is owing to your extreme illness or unfamiliarity with our language, that you have such quaint ways of expressing yourself.  The lower case /i/ used as a first-person pronoun went out with E E Cummings, and Archie the Cockroach (fictional persona of newspaperman, Don Marquis).  Since I assume your intent is neither poetic, in the case of Cummings, nor whimsical, in the case of Archie, but straightforward, businesslike, and humanitarian, the uppercase /I/ is preferred.  I dislike harping on these things, but sometimes your grammar is really quite confusing.  For example when you state "death came calling," it implies you are already dead, which is certainly not the case.  (If this email arrives after your death, my profoundest apologies.)  Then again, when you state your "late husband is a philanthropist," it creates the most alarming impression imaginable.  I hesitate to ask this, since I don't want to appear insensitive, but your country isn't riddled with zombies, is it?  I only inquire because I am not entirely familiar with the Cotonou Benin Republic and for all I know, people continue philanthropic activities long after their demise.

But with regards to the eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US, what portion of that might I retain for my own efforts consistent with the Will of God?  You seem to invoke Him as a third party to this transaction, which is fine by me.  Here in the US, we use God all the time, from presidential candidates of both parties to plumbers who stick little silver fish on their trucks.  Nevertheless, if the Lord Almighty's mixed up in this somewhere, I don't want to risk overdoing it, personal-compensation-wise.  If it helps matters any, I myself am an orphan, though I only became one about fifteen years ago.  I'm not aware of any age limit on orphanhood, and, moreover, my mother was a widow.  In fact, if you examine the Martin family tree, you'll find it peppered pretty generously with orphans, widows, and widowers right up into the high branches.  Misfortune, as you see, has dogged us for generations, so perhaps it's not inappropriate for me to take my small cut.  Shall we say fifteen percent?

If that is agreeable, I hope the following information, per your request, will expedite the transfer of these funds:

1. YOUR FULL NAME: Emanuel (Man) Henry Martin, IV, PhD. (This moniker may seem over-doing it, but you asked for my full name, and I always believe in being thorough, don't you?)

2. YOUR HOME ADDRESS: I'm sorry, but in the past I've gotten in terrible, terrible trouble giving out this information.  For example to the phone company, the electric company, and the credit card company, just to name a few.  It's like those people expect to be paid every month.

3. YOUR AGE: I always tell people 39  :-)

4. YOUR OCCUPATION: World-famous and wide-spreadedly beloved author

5. YOUR COUNTRY: The US of A, the greatest country on earth, or at least one of the two greatest, right next to the Cotonou Benin Republic.

6. YOUR MOBILE NUMBER: Ah, there we have a sticky point.  The problem with my mobile number is it's attached to a mobile phone.  By "mobile phone," I mean one that's frequently mislaid.  By "frequently" I mean right at this very moment.  In any case, the battery's probably dead because I keep forgetting to charge it.  It turns out a SmartPhone isn't much good unless you also have a reasonably SmartUser.  A better plan would be to call my home phone; unfortunately, my wife has a tendency to answer the phone herself and it seems like whenever eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US comes along, she does something to queer the deal.  I don't blame her; she's naturally timid, and doesn't understand high finance like we do.

7. YOUR IDENTIFICATION: Well, I don't see why you need this.  I already feel like I've known you for years, and I'm sure you feel the same.  After all, I know your personal health details, that you are knocking on death's door (which side of the door is uncertain, ha-ha) and you know about my tragic orphanhood, mother's widowhood, and as much about the location of my cell phone as I do.

Perhaps after all, the best thing is for me to go "down there" as you suggest in the email.  By "down there," I assume you mean south of my current location, unless there really is a zombie factor involved.  I looked up  Cotonou Benin Republic on Wikipedia and find it's in West Africa.  My grasp of geography is somewhat uncertain.  Is that anywhere near Cancun?  My wife and I went there on vacation once, and at a place called Senor Frog's I believe I left my wallet and some other personal belongings I'm eager to have back.  Why don't you send me your full name and address, and then we can proceed from there.

Eagerly awaiting the arrival of eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US,

Man Martin

(Originally posted 2011)

Facts I Later Learned were Untrue

Innocent Me Absorbed All of ItI know many things. Some things I know, however, turn out not to be true.

I blame this, probably unfairly, on my sister, Chris. She was given to dispensing fascinating information, which upon examination, was not consistent with the facts. Now, she also said a lot of fascinating things that were completely true, so you never knew where you stood. Some of this misinformation was deliberate sabotage on her part, such as the time she taught me my times-tables: "4 times 7 is 52," "5 times 7 is 84."

Innocent me absorbed all of it - true and untrue alike - with perfect acceptance. Every once in a while an untrue factoid will detonate itself, however, like a German missile long forgotten outside a London suburb.

On a road-trip with my buddy Jamie Iredell I shared many fascinating tid-bits of information, which Jamie recieved with amazement and delight. Upon investigation, some of these proved spurious.

Here is a sampling of the nonsense I (quite seriously) told Jamie was fact:

LBJ was the first Southern President after the Civil War. I was CONVINCED this was true - it made so much sense that it should be true. It, however, is false. Woodrow Wilson, just for one example, was a Virginian.

Kangaroo is an aboriginal word meaning something to the effect of "what are you talking about?" This, at least, is based on a genuine if mistaken myth. Kangaroo is derived from an aboriginal word for a specific breed of kangaroo.

The Panda Bear is not a true bear at all, but an animal more closely related to the American raccoon. Honestly, I don't know what the hell I was thinking of with that one, but I was perfectly sincere in insisting to Jamie that a Panda is a relative of a racoon. It isn't. It's a type of bear.

Anyway, I've been corrected - multiple times - and I suppose this will teach me some humility. Until the next weird piece of misinformation decides to detonate itself.

Le Fond

It was le Fond!  Le Fond!My wife gets after me from time to time to tidy up my desk.  Books I've partly read, am re-reading, or intend to read, lie amid loose papers with notes, doodles, and idle jottings.  Also notebooks with annotated manuscripts waiting to be tossed into the trash.  Not to mention occasional newspaper stories and magazine articles that caught my eye for Lord knows what reason.

It's a mess, alright, but in the throes of the creative process I find myself thinking, "There was a passage in that book by what's-her-name that had a very similar scene - and I'm off looking for another book to add to the pile - or an idea will hit me, and I think, "I can't use this in this scene, but maybe later on..."  And I scribble myself a note to remember.  More junk.

Really, Nancy is a lot more patient with me than I deserve.

I get up early and write before going to work.  When I get home, I sit my lazy butt in a chair and type or send emails while she makes dinner.  This is not quite as male-chauvinist-piggy as it sounds.  I can put a meal on the table, but Nancy happens to be a really incredible cook.  She can do things just by sauteeing chicken parts that would make you weep, they're so good.  And her breaded porkchops!  I chop onions and bring things up from the freezer, but cooking while Nancy's in the house is like offering Mario Andretti a ride to work.

I do clean up afterwards.  I do that much.

Sometimes, though, I get dutch even doing that.  Seeing a skillet with drippings and little scabs of meat and flour in it, I helpfully washed it out in the sink.  This was something I shouldn't ave done.  "It's le fond!" Nancy says angrilly.  "Le fond!  Le fond!" Evidently, in high-tone cooking such as Nancy does, this residue of scraps and drippings is a highly-prized ingredient to be combined with other ingredients later for that touch of supreme deliciousness.

So now I pretty much stay out of the kitchen until after dinner.  Then I clean up.  And not very well.  Like I say, in the evenings, I'm pretty tired.

Pretty soon I'm going to have to summon the energy to tackle my desk.  Start cleaning up and putting away.  There's only so much  Nancy will put up with, after all.

But all those jottings, scribbles, dog-eared books, and pored-over pages, aren't just clutter.  They're the bits and scraps of other ideas.  The scrapings and residues that I will combine to make a scene or character.

How can I explain that to Nancy?

It's le fond!  Le fond!

(Originally posted 2011)

Tom Swifties and Wellerisms

"Steamroller accident," Tom explained at length.A couple of figures of speech usually - probably justly - overlooked are Wellerisms and Tom Swifties.

A Wellerism is when the speaker attributes a saying to someone else, giving it a humorous context.  "I'll get to the bottom of this, as the proctol
ogist told the patient." A certain kind of ad hoc Wellerism is practiced by adolescent boys who will add the tagline, "That's what your mama told me last night," to someone else's remark.

Wellerisms are named after a Dickens character who liked saying things like, "'Out with it!'  As the father told his son who'd swallowed a farthing."

Another is the redoubtable Tom Swifty.  The traditional one is an adverbial pun - "I ate the rest of the mutton," Tom admitted sheepishly.  "Is that bear still outside?" Tom asked intently. - but I have a fondness for variations.  "I have multiple personalities," Tom said, being frank. or "Thar she blows!" Tom wailed.

It would be a fun, but stupid, idea to have a single character in a book who spoke either in Tom Swifties or Wellerisms.  Maybe a combination of the two?

"'It's over my head,' as Cleopatra remarked falling out of the boat, deep in denial," or "You'll just have to stick it out a little longer,' as the urologist predicted peevishly."  "'I have nothing to hide,' as the eunuch disclosed at the nudist colony."

Never mind.

As I said there's a reason these figures of speech are overlooked.

(Originally posted 2011)

Litotes and the Double Negative

"Lucky Bastard."Linguists tell us you can predict the direction the language is headed by how the Working Class speaks. (Working Class, what an invidious term, but there it is, and I'm not taking it back.)  This means the rules of English in five hundred years are not being set by Harvard professors, but by Joe Six-Pack.  If so, then it's "Hello, Double Negative," and "Good-bye, Litotes."

"I don't have no money," still sounds wrong to my ears, but give us a half millennium and I'll get used to it.  In most languages, negatives don't cancel each other out, they just add emphasis.  In Spanish, "No tengo nada," (I don't have nothing) just means you don't have anything.  In English - for the time being - I don't have nothing, means you have a little something.  English owes its unusual proscription against double negatives to 18th Century grammarians better versed in the strict rules of algebra than the fuzzy logic of grammar.  Since in math, two negatives make a positive, they reckoned it was the same way in English.  

The sad thing is, as we wave good-bye to yet another slowly-departing rule of English, welcoming the double-negative means we will lose litotes.

Litotes is a figure of speech that asserts a positive by negating its opposite.  "I don't have no money," actually means I have a little: not enough for the bald statement, "I have some money," but too much for, "I don't have any money."  That's litotes, and it hits a very nuanced little target of meaning.  But once double negatives have their way, it's farewell litotes forever.  A sentence like, "I'm not without influence," would be completely opaque to an English speaker with no sense of negatives' canceling each other out, and "I'm not without influence," is a lovely sentence, a charming sentence.

But after all, how important are litotes anyway, given the enormous convenience and simplicity of being able to rip off with a good double- or even triple-negative?  "She didn't never love him none."  It does the soul good to see it there.

Besides, do I ever really use litotes?  Does anyone?

Well, I don't never use them.