Rachael Eyre's Blog, page 4
April 15, 2020
A Message From Uncle Malcolm: On Leadership
There has been another fluctuation in the space/time continuum, allowing the following to fall into my lap. Maybe I should hire an exorcist.
“My dear Megan,
The situation with the pandemic is going according to plan. This is one of the benefits of eternity: you feel as though you have seen everything before. I hope you are acting upon the pointers I gave you; you seemed rather distracted last time we met.
The reason for this missive is the humans’ leader. As you may be aware, he is what is known as hellsent - a creature so steeped in sin, their soul is already resident in hell, with an empty vessel taking their place on Earth. These only come along ten times a century; we watch them from below with great interest. In fact Throop the astrologer believes he is the Anti-Christ Nostradamus predicted centuries ago. Perhaps there’s something in it. A broken clock is right twice a day, after all.
The hellsent’s mission is simple: to wreak havoc wherever he goes, leaving devastation in his wake. Through malicious wilfulness and bovine stupidity, he is slaughtering his people. There will be a bloodbath before he is done, mark my words. My only hope is that I’m not expected to pay host to the wretch if and when he dines at Tartarus; I have standards. Our Father has already stated he will book his diary solid so he never has to meet him.
You might ask what this has to do with you, Tempter to the most insignificant of targets. My dear niece, politics affects everyone - you would know this had you paid heed to your lessons. The leader of one nation throws a tantrum; the resulting ripples cross oceans, changing foreign policy overnight. All of humanity is caught in the crosshairs.
Let this be food for thought, at least. I would hate to think two decades of careful mentorship had gone to waste.
Your affectionate uncle,
Malcolm”
“My dear Megan,
The situation with the pandemic is going according to plan. This is one of the benefits of eternity: you feel as though you have seen everything before. I hope you are acting upon the pointers I gave you; you seemed rather distracted last time we met.
The reason for this missive is the humans’ leader. As you may be aware, he is what is known as hellsent - a creature so steeped in sin, their soul is already resident in hell, with an empty vessel taking their place on Earth. These only come along ten times a century; we watch them from below with great interest. In fact Throop the astrologer believes he is the Anti-Christ Nostradamus predicted centuries ago. Perhaps there’s something in it. A broken clock is right twice a day, after all.
The hellsent’s mission is simple: to wreak havoc wherever he goes, leaving devastation in his wake. Through malicious wilfulness and bovine stupidity, he is slaughtering his people. There will be a bloodbath before he is done, mark my words. My only hope is that I’m not expected to pay host to the wretch if and when he dines at Tartarus; I have standards. Our Father has already stated he will book his diary solid so he never has to meet him.
You might ask what this has to do with you, Tempter to the most insignificant of targets. My dear niece, politics affects everyone - you would know this had you paid heed to your lessons. The leader of one nation throws a tantrum; the resulting ripples cross oceans, changing foreign policy overnight. All of humanity is caught in the crosshairs.
Let this be food for thought, at least. I would hate to think two decades of careful mentorship had gone to waste.
Your affectionate uncle,
Malcolm”
April 11, 2020
Free Promo for Book 666
Starting Monday 13th April and finishing Friday 17th April, my latest novel #Book 666 will be free on Amazon Kindle!
If you ever wondered what would happen if the devil and angel on your shoulder fell in love, now is your chance to find out!Book 666
If you ever wondered what would happen if the devil and angel on your shoulder fell in love, now is your chance to find out!Book 666
March 28, 2020
A Message from Uncle Malcolm
At times like this the curtain between the worlds grows thin, allowing us to pick up all sorts of strange frequencies. The following document seems authentic, but what do I know? I’m not an occultist.
“My dear Megan,
In your last letter you mentioned the crisis currently facing the humans. This is an event unprecedented in modern history; no devil can afford to rest on his laurels. It is a prime opportunity to poach souls for Our Father and must be grasped eagerly with both hands.
You made a jejune, one might say sophomoric, comment about indolence. You are only young so I will not hector you. Sloth’s ability to procure new recruits is grossly overestimated. By suggesting your target remains at home and twiddles their thumbs, you are merely parroting the advice given by the halfwits in Westminster. It lacks creativity and finesse.
You are first and foremost a Tempter. Use your influence to put notions in your target’s head. Humans love loopholes; they are all convinced they are special and the rules don’t apply to them. Frame it as reasonably (albeit illogically) as you can: ‘Nobody would get hurt if I got in my vehicle and drove to a remote beauty spot’; ‘If my lover and I live in separate houses and don’t come into contact with anyone, what does it matter if we meet for purposes of fornication?’ Before long they will be breaking quarantine for an array of ludicrous reasons and spreading the virus willy nilly.
A far more promising line of enquiry is the greed many of the vermin are displaying. You have doubtless seen unseemly brawls over lavatory paper and mothers hoarding formula in the erroneous belief their little darling is somehow more precious than countless other snot nosed brats. This is exactly the sort of thing we want, and should be actively encouraged. Never let the idea they are being selfish enter their minds or they may reconsider. Instead assure them it’s a ‘matter of life and death,’ or better still, ‘the survival of the fittest.’ Tell the men they are hunter gatherers and appeal to the primal idiocy within them. The women can imagine they’re domestic goddesses or some other such rot. As an established bachelor I don’t pretend to understand them.
You complained that quarantine offered little scope for sin. My dear niece, what have they been teaching you in Training? Quarantine gives the humans something they think they want - leisure, time with their families - and turns it into a foretaste of Hell. The woman who was whining only weeks ago that she wished she could see more of her husband now realises she despises him. The man who lived for the weekend is bored and frustrated when it’s a home day every day. One’s own children are unbearable no matter what. Trust me, it’s highly entertaining.
Human nature being what it is, they will start looking for someone to blame. Old grievances and grudges will come to the fore. The government is already asking them to snoop on their neighbours - now they can exact revenge on that woman whose dog is always fouling the footpath, or the man who keeps cooking barbecue in his garden. Again, it isn’t done out of spite but because it’s their ‘patriotic duty.’ Should the virus choose that moment to carry them off, it’s a fait accompli.
See this for what it is: potentially thousands of marinading souls, all ours for the eating. You know what you have to do.
Your affectionate uncle,
Malcolm.”
“My dear Megan,
In your last letter you mentioned the crisis currently facing the humans. This is an event unprecedented in modern history; no devil can afford to rest on his laurels. It is a prime opportunity to poach souls for Our Father and must be grasped eagerly with both hands.
You made a jejune, one might say sophomoric, comment about indolence. You are only young so I will not hector you. Sloth’s ability to procure new recruits is grossly overestimated. By suggesting your target remains at home and twiddles their thumbs, you are merely parroting the advice given by the halfwits in Westminster. It lacks creativity and finesse.
You are first and foremost a Tempter. Use your influence to put notions in your target’s head. Humans love loopholes; they are all convinced they are special and the rules don’t apply to them. Frame it as reasonably (albeit illogically) as you can: ‘Nobody would get hurt if I got in my vehicle and drove to a remote beauty spot’; ‘If my lover and I live in separate houses and don’t come into contact with anyone, what does it matter if we meet for purposes of fornication?’ Before long they will be breaking quarantine for an array of ludicrous reasons and spreading the virus willy nilly.
A far more promising line of enquiry is the greed many of the vermin are displaying. You have doubtless seen unseemly brawls over lavatory paper and mothers hoarding formula in the erroneous belief their little darling is somehow more precious than countless other snot nosed brats. This is exactly the sort of thing we want, and should be actively encouraged. Never let the idea they are being selfish enter their minds or they may reconsider. Instead assure them it’s a ‘matter of life and death,’ or better still, ‘the survival of the fittest.’ Tell the men they are hunter gatherers and appeal to the primal idiocy within them. The women can imagine they’re domestic goddesses or some other such rot. As an established bachelor I don’t pretend to understand them.
You complained that quarantine offered little scope for sin. My dear niece, what have they been teaching you in Training? Quarantine gives the humans something they think they want - leisure, time with their families - and turns it into a foretaste of Hell. The woman who was whining only weeks ago that she wished she could see more of her husband now realises she despises him. The man who lived for the weekend is bored and frustrated when it’s a home day every day. One’s own children are unbearable no matter what. Trust me, it’s highly entertaining.
Human nature being what it is, they will start looking for someone to blame. Old grievances and grudges will come to the fore. The government is already asking them to snoop on their neighbours - now they can exact revenge on that woman whose dog is always fouling the footpath, or the man who keeps cooking barbecue in his garden. Again, it isn’t done out of spite but because it’s their ‘patriotic duty.’ Should the virus choose that moment to carry them off, it’s a fait accompli.
See this for what it is: potentially thousands of marinading souls, all ours for the eating. You know what you have to do.
Your affectionate uncle,
Malcolm.”
March 10, 2020
Everything You Need To Know About Book 666
* It’s my sixth published novel. In fact, the title began life as a joke - I’d described it as Book 6 for so long, I quipped, “Maybe I should call it Book 666 instead” and it stuck. Discarded titles include Devil/Angel, Horns vs Halos and Immortal Enemies.
* It owes its existence to The Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis’ terrific epistolary novel about a senior devil writing to his nephew Wormwood. Read it. It’s better than Narnia.
* Another inspiration was Good Omens, which had a star studded adaptation when I started writing. Its best loved plotline is the friendship between angel Aziraphale and demon Crowley, which many fans consider a romantic relationship. Some thought they had wimped out by not making the pairing canon at the end. My reaction? Why write fanfic when you can write your own story!
* CS Lewis always said his vision of Hell was like a corrupt business, with the devils as civil servants. I updated this, making it a ruthless modern company with a call centre, training schemes and workshops. The human each demon is assigned to is referred to as the Target.
* Maybe it’s because I’m an atheist, but I’ve always been fascinated by fictional depictions of Hell. Brueghel’s canvases, Dante’s Inferno, Paradise Lost, Old Harry’s Game - all these went towards my snarky version. Oh, and the afterlife in Beetlejuice, which remains my favourite.
* As someone with a lifelong phobia of pandas, the thought of there being a part of Hell with nothing but pandas called Pandamonium was too good to pass up.
* According to folklore, Judas Iscariot is exiled to the coldest place in Hell on an iceberg, with only one day’s reprieve. I had to include that somewhere.
* Heaven receives far less attention, but it’s clear that in the same way Meg and her friends aren’t wholly bad, the angels aren’t necessarily good - indeed, some are really rather unpleasant. Selina herself says it best: “It’s like a sign saying Keep Off the Grass, only on everything.”
* I enjoyed coming up with the names for this one. Before anyone asks, Meg is named for my favourite Disney heroine, *not* Meghan Markle, even if she does rescue her beloved from an autocratic monarchy. I didn’t want to give Selina a cheesy, obvious name like Celeste or Angelica, but felt hers was suitably ethereal - and could be shortened.
The demons’ names are a combination of traditional demonic names and British place names. As soon as I discovered there were devils called Mara and Leonard, I *had* to call Meg’s two best friends that. Scunthorpe, Grimsby and Clitheroe are of course Northern towns; Wenlock comes from Much Wenlock, which is down the road from where I used to live.
* I ran with the idea that every human’s Conscience was individual, reflecting their personality and interests. As our two main human characters, we see the most of Charmian and Emel’s. And because I love pathetic fallacy, the weather in their Conscience echoes their moods.
* I deliberately made both targets female, as well as having what wouldn’t be considered ‘major’ problems. Charmian is jealous of her new baby brother and worried about her parents’ marriage; Emel feels like life has passed her by at thirty and ends up in a disastrous relationship. Most readers can identify with their feelings of helplessness.
* The Adversary and the Big Guy, as well as not being the way around you would expect, were late act additions. As a kid I could never understand why God would tolerate the Devil’s antics. When I realised he could be Her first and favourite son, it made perfect sense. I even give him a motive for his war on humanity - but what it is, you’ll have to find out.
* I have a soft spot for Malcolm, for all his horribleness. In the exceptionally unlikely event this is ever adapted, I’d love Charles Dance to play him. One time I was so absorbed coming up with dialogue for him, I ordered chocolate in Thornton’s in character. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t go back for a month.
* I started Book 666 in a brand new notebook. I hadn’t written six pages before I splashed soy sauce over it - meaning the book is heavily stained and reeks of sauce!
* Take Me to Church is the story’s unofficial theme tune, with When You’re Evil coming close second.
* It owes its existence to The Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis’ terrific epistolary novel about a senior devil writing to his nephew Wormwood. Read it. It’s better than Narnia.
* Another inspiration was Good Omens, which had a star studded adaptation when I started writing. Its best loved plotline is the friendship between angel Aziraphale and demon Crowley, which many fans consider a romantic relationship. Some thought they had wimped out by not making the pairing canon at the end. My reaction? Why write fanfic when you can write your own story!
* CS Lewis always said his vision of Hell was like a corrupt business, with the devils as civil servants. I updated this, making it a ruthless modern company with a call centre, training schemes and workshops. The human each demon is assigned to is referred to as the Target.
* Maybe it’s because I’m an atheist, but I’ve always been fascinated by fictional depictions of Hell. Brueghel’s canvases, Dante’s Inferno, Paradise Lost, Old Harry’s Game - all these went towards my snarky version. Oh, and the afterlife in Beetlejuice, which remains my favourite.
* As someone with a lifelong phobia of pandas, the thought of there being a part of Hell with nothing but pandas called Pandamonium was too good to pass up.
* According to folklore, Judas Iscariot is exiled to the coldest place in Hell on an iceberg, with only one day’s reprieve. I had to include that somewhere.
* Heaven receives far less attention, but it’s clear that in the same way Meg and her friends aren’t wholly bad, the angels aren’t necessarily good - indeed, some are really rather unpleasant. Selina herself says it best: “It’s like a sign saying Keep Off the Grass, only on everything.”
* I enjoyed coming up with the names for this one. Before anyone asks, Meg is named for my favourite Disney heroine, *not* Meghan Markle, even if she does rescue her beloved from an autocratic monarchy. I didn’t want to give Selina a cheesy, obvious name like Celeste or Angelica, but felt hers was suitably ethereal - and could be shortened.
The demons’ names are a combination of traditional demonic names and British place names. As soon as I discovered there were devils called Mara and Leonard, I *had* to call Meg’s two best friends that. Scunthorpe, Grimsby and Clitheroe are of course Northern towns; Wenlock comes from Much Wenlock, which is down the road from where I used to live.
* I ran with the idea that every human’s Conscience was individual, reflecting their personality and interests. As our two main human characters, we see the most of Charmian and Emel’s. And because I love pathetic fallacy, the weather in their Conscience echoes their moods.
* I deliberately made both targets female, as well as having what wouldn’t be considered ‘major’ problems. Charmian is jealous of her new baby brother and worried about her parents’ marriage; Emel feels like life has passed her by at thirty and ends up in a disastrous relationship. Most readers can identify with their feelings of helplessness.
* The Adversary and the Big Guy, as well as not being the way around you would expect, were late act additions. As a kid I could never understand why God would tolerate the Devil’s antics. When I realised he could be Her first and favourite son, it made perfect sense. I even give him a motive for his war on humanity - but what it is, you’ll have to find out.
* I have a soft spot for Malcolm, for all his horribleness. In the exceptionally unlikely event this is ever adapted, I’d love Charles Dance to play him. One time I was so absorbed coming up with dialogue for him, I ordered chocolate in Thornton’s in character. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t go back for a month.
* I started Book 666 in a brand new notebook. I hadn’t written six pages before I splashed soy sauce over it - meaning the book is heavily stained and reeks of sauce!
* Take Me to Church is the story’s unofficial theme tune, with When You’re Evil coming close second.
March 8, 2020
Publication of Book 666
I’m delighted to announce that Book 666 is now available on Amazon. A paranormal dramedy, it follows our two heroines as they go from enemies to friends to love.
Being a demon is no picnic. Especially when your full-time job is trying to Tempt a nine year old who thinks unicorns are the coolest thing ever. Oh, and you’re expected to give your evil uncle regular updates. No pressure.
But when Meg Wormwood falls in love with Selina, the Guardian Angel at her posting, all hell breaks loose. In fact, it may even mean the end of humanity as we know it ...
Book 666
Being a demon is no picnic. Especially when your full-time job is trying to Tempt a nine year old who thinks unicorns are the coolest thing ever. Oh, and you’re expected to give your evil uncle regular updates. No pressure.
But when Meg Wormwood falls in love with Selina, the Guardian Angel at her posting, all hell breaks loose. In fact, it may even mean the end of humanity as we know it ...
Book 666
January 5, 2020
Book 666 Update
I’ve completed the first draft!
Now the not so fun part begins ...
Now the not so fun part begins ...
December 22, 2019
Why I Wrote Book 666
I’ve been writing this story in one form or another for over half of my life. I’m not exaggerating.
Growing up, the Devil was a constant presence. Here he was on a page of the Children’s Bible, tempting Jesus in the desert; there he was again, challenging Christ to a game of poker in Spanish Train. These two always seemed to be locking horns, like the Joker and Batman. Not to mention all the Devil’s Chairs and Devil’s Bridges dotted around the British landscape. (He visits us *a lot*).
Since I was “bad,” irreligious and had zero willpower, I was convinced as a kid that I’d end up in Hell. Realising I liked girls only reinforced this impression. Wilde’s “I can resist everything except temptation” could have been written for me.
I discovered two seminal books around the same time: Paradise Lost and The Screwtape Letters. Milton’s epic dominated my thought for the next couple of years; it was the subject of my GCSE art project. I still recite passages of it when I’m really drunk, to everyone’s chagrin.
The Screwtape Letters was something else. It’s possibly one of the most ingenious ideas an author has had. Wormwood has recently graduated and is on his first assignment; Screwtape, his decidedly unavuncular uncle, writes to advise him. These aren’t your standard pantomime devils in red tights. They’re deadly serious and dangerous.
Aged twelve, I was dying to write something set in my new favourite genre. So I composed what any Milton obsessed, Queen loving kid would: a heaven and hell themed rock opera called Out of Place. Damian Devil had somehow wound up in Heaven, but needed to solve the mystery of Desdemona, the Head Angel’s daughter who had vanished years ago ... Sophomoric in the extreme. Even worse, I can still remember the songs. Gah!
Realising Out of Place appealed to exactly one person, i.e. me, I shelved it. I couldn’t write music or sing anyway. What on earth had I been thinking? Perhaps it would fare better in another form. A book, maybe. I’d just have to come up with a story, at a time where people were prepared to listen.
I grew up and wrote a bunch of other books. Paranormal fiction came and went - I’d missed the boat *again.* Though I’d read Good Omens by this point, enjoyed its wry humour. The years passed; my idea seemed destined to remain an outline in a notebook somewhere, until ...
Thanks to Twitter, I know the date and time inspiration struck. 16/04/2019, 10:34am: “Good Omens is what happens if the angel and devil on your shoulder fell in love,” complete with GIF of Kronk and his conscience.
This throwaway tweet prompted a set up, a story. In a nod to Screwtape, Meg Wormwood is on her first mission and sending dispatches to her scary uncle. She finds herself falling for Selina, her target’s Guardian Angel. This is naturally taboo, so they’re forced to choose between love and centuries of tradition.
It’s been twenty two years in the making. I hope my readers enjoy it. I’ve liked writing it.
Growing up, the Devil was a constant presence. Here he was on a page of the Children’s Bible, tempting Jesus in the desert; there he was again, challenging Christ to a game of poker in Spanish Train. These two always seemed to be locking horns, like the Joker and Batman. Not to mention all the Devil’s Chairs and Devil’s Bridges dotted around the British landscape. (He visits us *a lot*).
Since I was “bad,” irreligious and had zero willpower, I was convinced as a kid that I’d end up in Hell. Realising I liked girls only reinforced this impression. Wilde’s “I can resist everything except temptation” could have been written for me.
I discovered two seminal books around the same time: Paradise Lost and The Screwtape Letters. Milton’s epic dominated my thought for the next couple of years; it was the subject of my GCSE art project. I still recite passages of it when I’m really drunk, to everyone’s chagrin.
The Screwtape Letters was something else. It’s possibly one of the most ingenious ideas an author has had. Wormwood has recently graduated and is on his first assignment; Screwtape, his decidedly unavuncular uncle, writes to advise him. These aren’t your standard pantomime devils in red tights. They’re deadly serious and dangerous.
Aged twelve, I was dying to write something set in my new favourite genre. So I composed what any Milton obsessed, Queen loving kid would: a heaven and hell themed rock opera called Out of Place. Damian Devil had somehow wound up in Heaven, but needed to solve the mystery of Desdemona, the Head Angel’s daughter who had vanished years ago ... Sophomoric in the extreme. Even worse, I can still remember the songs. Gah!
Realising Out of Place appealed to exactly one person, i.e. me, I shelved it. I couldn’t write music or sing anyway. What on earth had I been thinking? Perhaps it would fare better in another form. A book, maybe. I’d just have to come up with a story, at a time where people were prepared to listen.
I grew up and wrote a bunch of other books. Paranormal fiction came and went - I’d missed the boat *again.* Though I’d read Good Omens by this point, enjoyed its wry humour. The years passed; my idea seemed destined to remain an outline in a notebook somewhere, until ...
Thanks to Twitter, I know the date and time inspiration struck. 16/04/2019, 10:34am: “Good Omens is what happens if the angel and devil on your shoulder fell in love,” complete with GIF of Kronk and his conscience.
This throwaway tweet prompted a set up, a story. In a nod to Screwtape, Meg Wormwood is on her first mission and sending dispatches to her scary uncle. She finds herself falling for Selina, her target’s Guardian Angel. This is naturally taboo, so they’re forced to choose between love and centuries of tradition.
It’s been twenty two years in the making. I hope my readers enjoy it. I’ve liked writing it.
December 17, 2019
Coming Soon: Book 666
Being a demon is no picnic. Especially when your full time job is trying to Tempt a nine year old who thinks unicorns are the coolest thing ever. Oh, and you’re expected to send your evil uncle regular updates. No pressure.
But when Meg Wormwood falls in love with Selina, the Guardian Angel at her posting, all hell breaks loose. In fact, it may even mean the end of humanity as we know it ...
#Book666 will be released in 2020. Nothing short of an act of God will stop it.
But when Meg Wormwood falls in love with Selina, the Guardian Angel at her posting, all hell breaks loose. In fact, it may even mean the end of humanity as we know it ...
#Book666 will be released in 2020. Nothing short of an act of God will stop it.
June 23, 2019
Free Promo: The Governess
My debut novel The Governess is free this week on Amazon!
So if you like love, sex, death and skulduggery in Victorian England, check it out!
It was longlisted for the 2013 Polari First Book Prize.
So if you like love, sex, death and skulduggery in Victorian England, check it out!
It was longlisted for the 2013 Polari First Book Prize.
June 6, 2019
After the Story
Do you ever think about what happens to your characters after the book ends?
Since I'm an optimist, all my romantic couples are still together, living their best lives. Benny is running a seminary for girls and completely unreformed; she's seducing her mousy deputy headmistress. Jerry Etruscus became Prime Minister after the events of Love and Robotics, heaven help us. Laura has made her name with Bad Cat, online cartoons about her cantankerous childhood pet Honey.
There are plenty of other developments, but they are so closely bound up with the original novels, they could be considered spoilers.
There's a no spoiler policy on this site, I'm afraid!
Since I'm an optimist, all my romantic couples are still together, living their best lives. Benny is running a seminary for girls and completely unreformed; she's seducing her mousy deputy headmistress. Jerry Etruscus became Prime Minister after the events of Love and Robotics, heaven help us. Laura has made her name with Bad Cat, online cartoons about her cantankerous childhood pet Honey.
There are plenty of other developments, but they are so closely bound up with the original novels, they could be considered spoilers.
There's a no spoiler policy on this site, I'm afraid!
