Rachael Eyre's Blog, page 7

Inspiration Corner: Thomas Day and the Wife Husbandry Experiment

In my soon to be published novel The Artificial Wife, a misogynistic academic believes that an ordinary woman will never please him, so he buys two female robots to mould into his perfect partner. It sounds like pure speculative fiction - a take on the Pygmalion myth, perhaps? Alarmingly, this tale of hubris and sexism was inspired by real life events.

Thomas Day (1748-1789) was an upper class dilettante and philanthropist, living vicariously through his brilliant and influential friends. He had a disastrous track record with women, but rather than blame his failures on his own shortcomings (he was pockmarked, unhygienic and - above all - had an obnoxious, overbearing personality), attributed it to the way women were socialised and educated. He had what he considered a brainwave, though we have other, less complimentary terms for it. What if he acquired an orphan and groomed her into the submissive, unspoilt wife he craved? Better still, what if he had a second one for backup?

It's shocking and sickening, but that's precisely what he did. He adopted two preteens from foundling hospitals, renamed them Sabrina and Lucretia, and spirited them to France where they would be completely isolated and wholly dependent on him. They thought they were being trained for service.

Day soon embarked upon his campaign. As well as teaching the girls to read and write, and the standard duties a maid would be expected to perform, he subjected them to long, tedious lectures about his values. These must have been incomprehensible and boring to two little girls. He eventually decided that Lucretia was too vulgar and stupid for his purposes, and apprenticed her off to a milliner.

Having returned to England, he rented Stowe House in Lichfield and installed Sabrina there. Now aged thirteen and extremely pretty, their living arrangement was doubtless a topic of speculation among the locals. He flaunted her to his social circle, which included such luminaries as the poet Anna Seward and the writer Maria Edgeworth. Although intrigued by Day's project, they weren't unduly concerned by it.

Now he felt he was close to achieving his goal, Day's methods became increasingly unorthodox and - from a modern perspective - sadistic. He'd fire at her skirts to teach stoicism, force her to swim in the icy lake in the grounds and drip hot wax onto her shoulders. You can't help wondering if these humiliations had a sexual component, but there is no evidence that he ever sexually abused Sabrina, however else he might have treated her.

Unsurprisingly, the programme was doomed to failure. Once he'd realised Sabrina's presence in his house was untenable, he packed her off to boarding school; it was clear he didn't know what to do with her. They seem to have parted over a ridiculous, trivial incident - he didn't like something she was wearing. For a man as controlling as Day, this proved the last straw.

Incredibly, Sabrina married John Bicknell, the man who had helped acquire her from Shrewsbury Foundling Hospital all those years ago. He couldn't carry on lying to her, so told her Day's true intentions. She was naturally horrified and demanded an explanation. Day was characteristically high handed and dismissive: "You are the last person in the world to whom I owe any apologies upon that head."

The story has a bitterly ironic epilogue. Somehow, despite his previous conduct, Day convinced the wealthy and intelligent Esther Milnes to marry him. Initially it seemed like the perfect match, but he hadn't abandoned his wife training ways. Esther was a gifted musician and writer, but forbidden to practise either by her husband. Forced to lead a spartan lifestyle with no friends or resources, it's no wonder that she tried to leave twice.

I discovered Day's story via Wendy Moore's terrific How To Create the Perfect Wife. I immediately started thinking: could this situation be recreated with AIs? And what was the girls' side of the story?

The Artificial Wife

I'm delighted to confirm that I've finished writing my fourth novel, The Artificial Wife.

Watch this space for further announcements!

A glimpse of my upcoming novel, The Artificial Wife

Due to be released in 2018, The Artificial Wife is a companion novel to my earlier work Love and Robotics, set within the same world. It builds upon that story's themes of human-robot relations and emancipation, and introduces readers to a new cast of characters.

Disgruntled academic Robert Percival believes he will never find a woman to suit him. A friend accidentally suggests a solution: what if he acquires a robot wife?

Robert purchases two artificial humans, Summer and Elle. He changes their names and draws up a program to mould one of them into the spouse he requires.

Thrown into a situation outside their control, Summer and Elle become allies, then lovers. Will they ever break free from Robert's tyranny?

Announcement

Keeping two sites going has proved extremely time consuming, so it's with regret that I am closing this blog and moving over to my Facebook Author page.

My old blogs will still be here, for old time's sake, and I'll check in every now and then. If you need me, I'm on Twitter as @Alrightpunk and as Rachael Eyre (naturally) on Facebook.

Thanks, guys. It's been great.

Writing Robots

Writing genre fiction, you're bound by certain conventions. For Love and Robotics I acquainted myself with numerous robotic tropes. Existential questions, women as sex objects, robots as straight Caucasian males (authors seem to think any further difference will alienate readers). Robots as either subservient or hostile.

I planned to subvert most - if not all - of these.

For example, many stories posit a universal acceptance of robots, with the odd lunatic fringe in opposition - or, alternatively, the lone sceptic who crows when he turns out to be right. I found this highly unlikely and thought it should be divided along cultural lines. So you have cultures like Huiji, where girls receive a robot boyfriend as a rite of passage, and you have ones like Farva, the Faith's heartland, where robots are routinely rounded up and destroyed. Lila, home to Alfred and Josh, is uncomfortably in the middle. Robots may have filled most of the 'unskilled' industries but there's outspoken resistance. The reasoning behind this varies: the Prime Minister claims to put her human electorate first; Alfred's former stance is entirely subjective/emotional.

With such ambivalence, is it any surprise that romance with one is so controversial? Reactions range from "Burn the witch!" to "Yes, please!" Lila's status as a former theocracy makes it especially complicated. Robots are regarded by some as the ultimate erotic fantasy - the execrable Our Robotic Romance saga, read by several of the characters, exploits this trend. To others it's an abomination, enjoyed only by the sick and amoral.

On the surface, you might wonder why Claire and Josh's relationship escapes condemnation. It's presented to the public as an ideal: they're the perfect young, straight and beautiful couple. The knee jerk responses to other pairings are in reality about other, older prejudices: Alfred and Josh because they're a gay couple with a visible age gap, Dee and Hector because they're an interracial couple. One character, Mandy, is only attracted to robots - 'robosexual', you might say.

Several sci fi authors have used the robot metaphor to examine the differences between men and women - and, unintentionally or not, created works of breathtaking misogyny. A common conceit is to make robots female by default, implying that men are the norm, women the exotic, manufactured "other."(Shades of the spare rib?) Fed up with these stories, I came up with two contrasts: Trini the pleasurecom, whose short and tragic life is wasted indulging her scuzzy master's whims; and Cora.

Like Trini, she's designed to be her creator's dream woman. Unlike her counterpart, she has a mind of her own; she's determined to make it as a singer. Freed of his poisonous influence, her life takes some extraordinary twists and turns. Her storyline came out of nowhere and surprised me throughout. If Love and Robotics has a heroine, it's arguably Cora.

Above all, I was bored with the unimaginative, repetitive depictions of robots in popular media. Even Star Trek's Data, a richer character than most, has an annoying inability to use contractions. You'd think that scientists capable of replicating realistic skin and mannerisms would want the end result to sound like a human being. Josh receives regular classes in human behaviour and concepts; any quirks are due to his personality, not to him being an 'artie'. It's explicit that any lapses in his knowledge are deliberate omissions on CER's part - homosexuality is socially unacceptable, so they don't teach him about it.

Rather than have all my robots be polymaths or calculating machines, I gave them wildly differing intelligence and abilities. Talent and street smarts aside, Cora is a very ordinary girl; the "Daves", or security bots, go into meltdown when asked to consider a life outside their remit. Josh may be able to conjure art works from scratch, but he loves to relax with a trashy book. My intention was, clockwork aside, my robots should all be human, believable personalities. I hope I succeeded.

Suffering Sappho! A Quick Overview of Wonder Woman

Until comparatively recently, admitting you were a Wonder Woman fan was like confessing a predilection for chintz or crocodile skin - a relic from the era that taste forgot. Your confidant would hum, change the subject and hope it never came up again. They may concede that the Lynda Carter series in the 70s was kitsch fun, but any further would be pushing your luck.

It's worth examining why this should be the case. Debuting in 1941, her pedigree is nearly as long as Superman and Batman, those evergreen icons. Although she can't claim to be the first superheroine, she is definitely the best known and most durable. It's tempting to chalk it up to misogyny - in her early years in the Justice League, she was more or less demoted to team secretary. Her Dork Age at the hands of Bob Kanigher, a dyed in the wool chauvinist who despised the character, didn't help.

My hunch is that it lies partly with her personality. William Moulton Marston* wanted to create a character with "all the strength of Superman plus all the allure of a good and beautiful woman." Note that word 'good' - in a world that likes edgy, damaged heroes (Batman's demons are darkness, no parents; Iron Man's alcoholism and being an asshole), she seems perky and lightweight, like a super-powered Pollyanna. To quote the lass herself: "I love everybody!"

Another charge levelled at the series is it lacks a rogues gallery a la Batman or the X-Men. This is ignoring another fact about our girl Wonder: if she catches an antagonist, they stay caught. In the comics themselves there is a handful of villains, largely female: Circe, mythical sorceress and her most formidable adversary; Ares, god of war; numerous incarnations of the Cheetah, an unhinged heiress and probable furry; Dr Psycho, a woman hating dwarf with brainwashing powers - and, infamously, Egg Fu, a Fu Manchu-style mastermind who takes the form of the world's most racist Easter egg. (I wish I could be making this up).

If the franchise falls short in terms of bad guys, it compensates in terms of backstory and supporting cast. Rather than the boring barrage of radiation or chemical spills suffered by other heroes, she is born a goddess, crafted from clay by her mother Hippolyta. (This, like much else, has been retconned). Raised on the all-female utopia Paradise Island, she is totally unaware of the outside world until a dashing intelligence officer, Steve Trevor, washes up on their shores. In a development that echoes many a Greek myth - and certainly the feminist literature of the time - she falls for the stranger and returns with him to 'civilisation' to fight evil and injustice as a superheroine. Her kit includes the Lasso of Truth, manacle-like bracelets to keep her powers in check, an invisible plane and one of the raunchiest costumes in comics. The look is completed by asskicking thigh boots. (One of Kanigher's first acts was to replace these beauties with ballet slippers, FFS). She soon assumes the identity of Diana Prince, army nurse - an alias conveniently similar to her actual name of Princess Diana (no, not that one).

You can't discuss Wonder Woman without mention of Steve, the male Lois. Sometimes he knows Diana's true identity, sometimes he doesn't. Rock bottom is the time he pretends 'Diana' is Wonder Woman during his last hours on earth and uses it as an excuse to snog her face off. In the better stories he's an all American alpha male, doting on his "Angel" and participating in her adventures, despite an alarming propensity for getting kidnapped. It's only during the Dork Age he becomes passive aggressive and manipulative, browbeating her into marriage. One of my favourite panels has him ask, "Angel, when are we going to get married?" and her reply, "When evil and injustice vanish from the earth!" You'll be waiting a long time, bro.

Another prominent cast member is Etta Candy, the blueprint of the superhero's best friend. A gung-ho, Rubenesque redhead, she doesn't take shit from anyone. She's especially scathing of suggestions she should slim down to get a man. Judging by the dozens of "gay Holliday girls" swarming round her, she knows precisely which side her bread is buttered. It would also explain her unconditional devotion to Diana.

Above all, I love the Amazons. Perhaps it's my youthful passion for Greek mythology, perhaps I have an unacknowledged yen for girls in armour, but there's something immensely appealing about this society of gorgeous, warlike women. Many of them are canonically gay, including Hippolyta. Fredric Wertham, author of anti comics polemic Seduction of the Innocent, lambasted Wonder Woman's 'toxic' feminism and supposed lesbianism, but missed Paradise Island entirely. As modern Etta exclaims, "You grew up on an island of sci fi lesbians?"

Hopefully the upcoming film will rescue the character from unfair obscurity and restore her to her rightful position in the top rank of superheroes. The trailer looks promising - and I for one can't wait.

* William Moulton Marston (1893 - 1947) was an intriguing, louche character. Pioneer of the lie detector test and an eminent psychologist, he was convicted of fraud and almost incapable of holding down a job. A dedicated polyamorist, he lived with his wife, mistress and hordes of kids. He believed bondage, or "submission to a loving authority," should be part of any healthy relationship.

Why Supporting Characters Matter

So you've created your heroine. She's a complex, dynamic character with believable flaws and fears. You've sketched out the plot and decided what the message of the story will be. But something's missing.

Where are your supporting characters?

Unless your protagonist is the lone survivor of the apocalypse, they have to interact with other characters. The same applies to the central couple in a romance: no one can exist in a cocoon of bliss. Whether they're family, friends, enemies or passing strangers, supporting characters are an urgent addition to any novel.

Here are the top five reasons why supporting characters matter:

1) They bring out different sides to your protagonist

A protagonist who skips around being sweet and lovely to everyone is sick making; likewise, an unrepentant heel is one dimensional and unlikeable. No one behaves exactly the same way in every situation or with everyone they meet.

Perhaps the hardass boss regresses to childhood whenever she's near her domineering mother. Perhaps the man who seems like a feckless layabout is devoted to his niece and nephew. How does your hero treat his inferiors? Are they genuine or patronising, empathetic or indifferent? Which of these facets is the "real" them? Or, as is usually the case, are they all of these conflicting behaviours at once?

2) They're memorable

Think of your favourite film franchises. When you recall Back to the Future, which character comes to mind? Who do you quote from Pirates of the Caribbean?

While we're not suggesting that Marty McFly or Will Turner are boring (well, perhaps Will is), they are standard protagonist characters, i.e. the ordinary guy who finds himself in extraordinary circumstances. You could stick almost anybody in their position and still make the story work.

This is where a lovingly imagined supporting cast comes in. Unlike the hero(ine), they're very specific to that scenario: you can't pop Doc Brown into a serious movie, though bless you for trying! Dickens had this formula sussed long before cinema. Whereas his idealistic young men are roughly similar, Miss Havisham could only exist in the bittersweet setting of Great Expectations - and Fagin in the pulpier Oliver Twist. This understanding led to some of the greatest supporting characters in the literary canon.

3) They give you a break from the primary plotline

Following the same story thread for 400 pages is a noble goal in theory but rarely works in practice. If a reader doesn't warm to the protagonist or care about the arc, they become fatigued and dump the book. To prevent this outcome, multiple plot lines can and should be employed, using your supporting cast.

Are your main characters going through an acrimonious divorce? Have a subplot examining its effect on their teenage kids; it'd be a nice touch if they manage to keep it together while their parents act like babies. Or if your lead is a rookie who worships their mentor, show how unworthy the old timer is of their trust. Their complicated feelings towards their fallen idol lends the conflict extra depth and drama.

4) They're comic relief

One of the most underrated yet valuable attributes of side characters: they can come out with the witty one liners or engage in screwball antics that your protagonist can't or won't. Nobody wants to read a book that's unmitigated doom and gloom. Even tense thrillers have their light moments - probably to put you in a receptive state of mind for the next scare!

5) They're like us

In stories where the lead has almost superhuman capabilities - James Bond, Indiana Jones, Ellen Ripley, Lisbeth Salander - the supporting roles are reminders that ordinary Joes exist in this parallel universe. They're the friends, partners and associates of these marvels.

The companions in Doctor Who are audience surrogates, sharing the Time Lord's adventures through time and space. Wonder Woman is loved by the brave but extremely human Steve Trevor. He is ambivalent about dating a goddess, as any sane person would be. Vampire slayer Buffy Summers' best friend is Xander, notable for his complete lack of superpowers. Yet he has saved the world on several occasions and, most importantly, is a loyal ally and sounding board.

Does that make them less interesting? Of course not. Every character, no matter how minor, gets their chance to shine.

The Top 5 Workplace Sitcoms

As soon as I began work on Rage Against the Vending Machine, I knew I'd have to do some research. It was all very well drawing upon my own workplace experience, more specifically my tenure as a copywriter, but what if that proved too niche? What if I found myself rehashing old ideas and characters?

As prep I turned to classic workplace sitcoms. (Apologies to international readers: I'm not familiar with other countries' shows, so this will be a Brit-centric list). The more I watched, the more I noted the universality of certain themes: the bumbling boss, the dreamer stuck in a dead end role, rivalries and romances. These tropes appear continually because we've all witnessed this, we can all relate. Though probably no manager would admit to being one of these grotesques!

5) The Office (UK version)

Readers may quibble at its ranking, but it hasn't aged as well as the other entries on this list. Even at the time it was very much a Marmite piece; either you appreciate its particular brand of cringe comedy or you don't.

The show was massively influential and groundbreaking for its mockumentary style. Many first time viewers assumed they were watching fact, not fiction; when its true nature was explained, they'd frown and say, "It's not that funny, is it?" - despite raving about it moments before.

Although it's best known for making a star of Ricky Gervais, the heart of the show was the will they, won't they between Tim and Dawn. The scene where he switches off his microphone and goes to ask her out away from the cameras is gut wrenching.

Dave Dances: In one of the show's most notorious scenes, David Brent (Gervais) tries to outdo his suave rival. He fails. Horribly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6Eaz...

4) Drop the Dead Donkey

Who hasn't wanted to work in a newsroom? Drop the Dead Donkey takes this fantasy and deflates it. The anchors hate each other, the editor's a workaholic doormat and their field reporter is a sociopath. Out lesbian Helen is the only nice, normal person in the office!

However much they bicker among themselves, they're united in loathing for their common enemy: Gus, their astoundingly charmless, obtuse boss. His game show smirk and management speak make you wince in recognition even now!

Damien's Highlights: Ruthless reporter Damien will sacrifice anything for a scoop, starting with the truth ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLZ1L...

3) Cabin Pressure

Unique in this list for being a radio series, it is nonetheless one of the funniest sitcoms of recent times. It marries excellent writing to a top notch voice cast; Roger Allam and Benedict Cumberbatch are the leads.

The premise is simple. Formidable CEO Carolyn (Stephanie Cole) runs a charter airline on the tightest budget known to man. Captain Martin (Cumberbatch) is wet and neurotic, convinced he was born to fly; co-pilot Douglas (Allam) has a voice like molten chocolate and the morals of a skunk. Carolyn's incurably cheerful, chronically dense son Arthur rounds out this strange milieu.

Bored: There's no such thing as an ordinary inflight announcement when Douglas is around. Despite his delusions of authority, Martin is just as bad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHgee...

2) The IT Crowd

A third offering from the pen of Graham Linehan, and arguably better than its predecessors. It begins when ambitious career woman Jen blags her way into a job as Head of IT, despite knowing nothing about computers. Since the company is Reynholm Industries, where everyone is batshit insane, it passes muster.

Of course an IT department has to have a generous helping of nerds. There's Roy, bone idle and perpetually angry; ditzy genius Moss, who manages the rare feat of being cliched yet adorable - and Richmond, whatever the hell he is. An emo vampire? In accordance with sitcom law, a wacky organisation must have a nutter at the helm. This role is first filled by comedy legend Chris Morris as barking, impetuous Denholm - then, after his shock departure, his hammy, libidinous son Douglas. May I point out that his actor, Matt Berry, has the most fabulous voice. It has to be heard to be believed.

Moss Lends a Hand: Douglas has a pair of malfunctioning electric pants (don't ask). Moss is the only employee with the knowhow to fix them. How could this possibly go wrong?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUaSQ...

1) Fawlty Towers

It may be forty years old but damn it, this remains the finest twelve episodes of comedy you will see.

Hotelier and terrible human being Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) is trying desperately to boost his business's profile. It's doomed to failure: not only is the hotel a seedy dump and the staff incompetent, it's the battleground for the most hellish marriage in fiction, that of Basil and his shrewish social climber of a wife, Sybil (Prunella Scales). It depends on your viewpoint: while both are undeniably ghastly, Sybil is saner, and therefore more culpable.

Fawlty Towers supplies that key ingredient you almost never see in workplace sitcoms: customers. To its credit, it doesn't take the easy route and make them whiter than white. Having worked in customer service myself, I nod sympathetically when Basil clashes with the scabbier guests. This could well be the secret to the show's success.

Room with a View?: Basil crosses sabres with Mrs Richards, the most difficult guest in the entire series.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcliR...

Being Gay in Today's World

In the wake of the Orlando tragedy there have been many extraordinary occurrences. People across the globe, straight and LGBT alike, have shown a moving solidarity, holding vigil in gay spaces. Megalomaniac Republican candidate Donald Trump has missed the point as usual, humble bragging that the massacre "proves" his stance against Islam. The oddest, and to my mind, most disturbing development is the seeming denial that this was a homophobically motivated attack.

The worst culprit is Sky News, whose intransigence caused journalist Owen Jones to walk out of an interview in disgust, but this attitude is surfacing elsewhere in the press. Commentators are determined to overlook a few blatant clues, namely that gunman Omar Mateen went into a gay nightclub at 2am and opened fire in what was clearly a premeditated attack. He could have selected any location at any time of day, but instead he chose the busiest gay venue in the area at the weekend. You do the maths.

The cluelessness heterosexual people are displaying - they're unable to see why we feel threatened and upset - betrays the ignorance many have about LGBT matters. They seem to believe that because lip service has been paid towards equality in a handful of countries - marriage here, the right to adopt there - the battle has been won and to ask for anything else is whinging ingratitude.

Let's put the clock back a few years, shall we? I can't speak for other countries, but when the UK population was polled in 1987, 75% of respondents claimed that homosexuality was "nearly always" wrong, i.e. three quarters of British citizens. That's not a misty moment in the distant past but a mere twenty nine years ago.

Shortly afterwards Section 28, the most repulsive piece of legislation to grace the statute books, was drawn up. Brought in by Mrs Thatcher and her acolytes, it banned the 'promotion' of homosexuality, particularly in the context of a 'pretended family relationship'. Though this only ever applied to local councils, schools tended to err on the side of caution, afraid to counsel gay kids in case it violated the rules.

I finished school in 2003, the year it was repealed. During that fifteen years, anything went: you could be bullied mercilessly for your sexuality, your tormentors going unpunished. The teachers implicitly sided with them, suggesting your feelings were "just a phase" or that you should "try not being this way" (thanks, Yoda!) Homophobia was endemic inside and outside the classroom: "queer", "peculiar," "dyke," "lezza" and a million variations were bandied about on a daily basis. It didn't surprise me that dismal lesbian saga The Well of Loneliness was set in Malvern, spitting distance from my hometown.

Although I'm grateful I can marry my partner and we're protected under British law, that isn't the be all and end all of our hopes. We still run the risk of abuse or violence if we kiss or hold hands in public. There are still numerous countries where homosexuality is punishable by prison or death. Organised religion still has a "love the sinner, hate the sin" mandate. People still believe it's a choice or can be cured; I don't know which is more laughable.

People often say: why are you so preoccupied with LGBT issues? Why do you write about them? The fact they're still asking this question in 2016, without any sense of irony, is why I continue this lonely, demoralising and entirely necessary fight. When straight people say 'inclusion', what they actually mean, intentionally or not, is that any differences should disappear ("Why do you need gay bars?" "What's the point of Pride?") There's enough room for everybody, gay or straight, black or white, religious or atheist. Diversity should be celebrated, not erased.

The Biggest WTF Moments in Tintin

I love Tintin. Show me a panel, I can name precisely which album it comes from. Tell me there's a new adaptation/documentary/exhibition and I exclaim, "Shut up and take my money!" On more than a few occasions I've thought my way out of a dilemma by musing, "What would Tintin do?"

That said, the albums are chockful with "What the actual f-?" moments. You blink, you flip back, but it's still there in glorious technicolor, defying all logic or sanity. Rather than wonder "What was Herge smoking and can I have some?", we'll examine these funniosities in detail.

10) Formula 14

Land of Black Gold revolves around Muller the science Nazi's plot to doctor Europe's oil supplies, bringing the Tintinverse to the brink of war. Thompson and Thomson, always in the wrong place at the wrong time, help themselves to a set of capsules they find lying in the desert.

Added to petrol, the substance - code named Formula 14 - explodes. Since no one wants to see our favourite detectives scattered across the dunes, they turn into backing singers for Wizard instead. They suffer a relapse in Explorers on the Moon, meaning one of the many things floating in zero gravity is kaleidoscopic hair.

9) The Juice of Madness

Opium cartels and chats with elephants aside, the Pharaoh/Lotus books feature the wicked fakir and his deadly darts, dipped in Rajaijah (the juice of madness). If you're hit, you're insane for life - or, in the case of the unfortunate Didi, develop a worrying fixation with decapitation.

Dr Muller has a similar modus operandi, but his methods are far more mysterious. He brags that few of his patients are mad when they arrive, but after his treatment they're unlikely to recover. What does he do to them?!

8) Tintin in Tibet

Unpopular opinion time: I'm not that wowed by Tintin in Tibet. Yes, it's an ode to friendship with Tintin's refusal to give up the search for Chang and the Captain's obstinate devotion, but telepathic dreams and levitating monks mean I can't take it seriously. Or Tintin deliberately getting Haddock soused, which is just not nice. The shippers are delighted by the one time the BFFs kiss, but it's clearly a Gallic greeting rather than a full on smooch.

Besides, doesn't the yeti look like Justin Bieber?

7) Rascar Capac

Even Tintin sceptics agree: Rascar Capac is fricking terrifying. A mummy brought to Belgium by the Sanders-Hardiman expedition, he stars in a disturbing dream shared by the main cast. Grinning skeletally, he clambers up to their windows and smashes a crystal ball on the ground.

This ushers in the explorers' agonies, graphically shown in a horrific hospital scene (Seven Crystal Balls).

6) Meet the Meat

In Tintin in America our betufted hero falls foul of the Mafia. Mobster Bobby Smiles resolves to finish him off, in the grimmest way possible.

Tintin visits a canned meats factory as part of his American experience. We see live animals go on the conveyor belt and come out as tins in a blackly comic sequence. Tintin is shoved into the machinery, only saved by the luckiest of strikes.

5) The Jolly Follies

For decades San Theodoros is the stage for a power struggle between two colossal egos, Generals Alcazar and Tapioca. We side with Alcazar only because we meet him first; Tintin plays a dodgy game of chess with him in The Broken Ear.

Our lads get involved when La Castafiore and the Thompsons are in danger of life imprisonment. The only way they can be rescued is if Tapioca's dictatorship is overthrown. How can a bus load of guerillas sneak into the capital unobserved? Dressed as Pierrots, of course! Arm them with chloroform and a jaunty tune and they're the stuff of nightmares!

4) Ramon Bada and Alonso Perez Go to Hell

Tintin began life in the pages of Le Petit Vingtieme, a Catholic children's weekly. Bearing this in mind, it should come as no surprise that Herge's miscreants get what's coming to them. Mitsuhirato commits seppuku, Colonel Jorgen is shot, bungling Corporal Diaz is blown to smithereens ...

The most fanciful comeuppance has to be that of the two thieves, Ramon Bada and Alonso Perez. Not content with showing them drown, Herge has them dragged to hell by cheeky devils. The panel has to be seen to be believed!

3) Flight 71- huh?

As time passed and Herge spent less time on Tintin, oddities started to creep in. I adore The Castafiore Emerald and will defend it against any naysayers. I won't do the same for Flight 714.

What's most egregious? The total emasculation of Rastapopoulos, destined to spend the story dressed like an evil camp cowboy? All the unpleasant side characters, particularly odious millionaire Laszlo Carredias? Allan degenerating to Rastapopoulos's bitch? That's not even touching on aliens, amnesia and Jolyon Wagg (shoo!) I love sci fi but there isn't room for it in Tintin.

2) The One Everyone Tries to Forget: The Shooting Star

Shown a still of The Shooting Star, you'd be forgiven for thinking it's a quirky piece of surrealism with its pop art toadstools and giant creepy crawlies. Alas, this is the second most controversial album in the series.

Herge had written a masterly condemnation of fascism with King Ottokar's Sceptre; The Crab With the Golden Claws shunned politics altogether. With Shooting Star he steps into murkier waters.

Yes, he was working during the Belgium occupation. Yes, he probably had his new employers breathing down his neck. But you can't help but shudder at Mr Bohlwinkel, nee Blumenstein. An oily, cigar chomping financier and master criminal, he's propaganda made flesh. You also notice that all the scientists in the polar expedition hail from Axis and neutral countries.

I can only hope that when Bohlwinkel is caught, he's extradited to Sao Rico. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

1) The One Everyone Talks About: Tintin in the Congo

Herge's boss on Le Vingtieme Siecle was Norbert Wallez; look him up. It's one of the great cosmic ironies that Tintin, champion of the oppressed, owes his existence to such a man. When you discuss this, the most dated and distasteful of the adventures, you need to remember who commissioned the story and what he had in mind. Herge was a fresh faced kid in his first job, naively buying into the paternalistic mindset of the time.

Which is why we have the dumbfoundingly offensive depiction of the Africans, universally shown as foolish, gullible children. There is a villain of sorts, a witch doctor, and he is as stereotyped as you'd expect. If you're not turned off by the racism, there's always Tintin's hunting bag. Accidentally shooting animals is one thing, but he's deliberately shown dynamiting a rhino.

Needless to say, if the series had continued in this vein, it wouldn't be remembered today (unless it resurfaced on Tumblr).

Honourable mentions

* Tintin's probable demise in Tintin in the Alph Art, encased in a sculpture.

* General Alcazar is married. Surprised? So was I! The leader of the revolution is henpecked to the nth degree, doing the dishes in a frilly pink apron.

* The Battle for the Unicorn - In which a drunk, overexcited Haddock merges with his illustrious forebear, Sir Francis. Unlike the other entries on this list, it's made of awesome. It's one of the few things the recent film got right.

* Angel dog/devil dog - Snowy often grapples with his conscience, especially where booze or a nice juicy bone are involved. The fuzzy red demonic Snowy is actually quite cute.

* Courtesy of the Syldavian Tourist Industry - King Ottokar's Sceptre goes off piste for a few pages to describe the fictional country's history.

* Professor Casanova - Don't be deceived by appearances: beneath that dotty exterior, Professor Calculus is a red blooded male! His crush on La Castafiore is the best documented, but he even checks out Peggy Alcazar!

* Paging Dr Freud - Our merry band have the kind of dreams that would make a psychoanalyst blush. The Captain skewering Tintin, now a champagne bottle, with a corkscrew? Check. Naked and surrounded by tuxedoed parrots at the opera? Uhuh. Castafiore mutating into an enormous savage woodpecker? Yup.