Tara Sivec's Blog, page 7
September 5, 2012
Shameless Pimping
Seduction and Snacks was featured on the Mama Laughlin blog yesterday. If you haven't been to this blog, why the hell not?! This woman is hilarious and my sister from another mister. Here's the link if you want to check it out. And you should. She did a book give-a-away of S&S and had her readers tell her funny stories. There are some SUPER ones in there that will keep you laughing until Futures and Frosting comes out :)
http://www.mamalaughlin.com/2012/09/s...
http://www.mamalaughlin.com/2012/09/s...
August 31, 2012
We're Slashing Prices!
Everything must GO GO GO! We're slashing prices on everything from vaginas to furry nut sacs!
Get your discounted copy of Seduction and Snacks for the low-low price of $2.99 today through Sunday. Don't miss out on this special offer! Tell your friends, tell your mother, tell the homeless guy on the corner who poops in your driveway.
(This offer only available to Earth residents. Not intended for sale in outer space or hell. Information contained in this book may cause increased sexual desire, snorting (not cocaine), and chocolate cravings. The events in this book should not be attempted without adult supervision or a spotter. Side effects of reading Seduction and Snacks may includeanal leakage, vaginal explosion, testicular enlargement, peeing on furniture, increased ball licking and hallucinating chickens driving mopeds having a good time.)
Seduction and Snacks
Get your discounted copy of Seduction and Snacks for the low-low price of $2.99 today through Sunday. Don't miss out on this special offer! Tell your friends, tell your mother, tell the homeless guy on the corner who poops in your driveway.
(This offer only available to Earth residents. Not intended for sale in outer space or hell. Information contained in this book may cause increased sexual desire, snorting (not cocaine), and chocolate cravings. The events in this book should not be attempted without adult supervision or a spotter. Side effects of reading Seduction and Snacks may include
Seduction and Snacks
August 28, 2012
Vagina Gun
As some of you heard, the Kindle version of Seduction and Snacks was down yesterday and unable to be purchased on Amazon. Well, it's back up and running today so if you know anyone who wants to read it, pass it on!
As a thank you for all of the amazing support I received yesterday from everyone while I pulled my hair out and ugly cried over my plummeting sales rank, here is a conversation that took place last night:
Son: Hey mom, can I use this as a bullet for my gun? *holds tampon up in the air*
Me: Um, no. Well, yes, but no.
Son: *blank stare*
Me: No, you can't use it as a bullet because it's not a bullet. But yes, you can use it because I want to be able to tell all your friends about this moment when you're a teenager.
Son: *blank stare*
Daughter: Eeeeeeew, put that down! Mom puts that in her cha-cha!
Son: Her cha-cha is a gun?
Me: Yeah it is! I shoot AND I score with this gun! BOOYAH!
Son: *blank stare*
Me: Just go outside and ride your bike. It will be less embarrassing for you when you're in high school.
As a thank you for all of the amazing support I received yesterday from everyone while I pulled my hair out and ugly cried over my plummeting sales rank, here is a conversation that took place last night:
Son: Hey mom, can I use this as a bullet for my gun? *holds tampon up in the air*
Me: Um, no. Well, yes, but no.
Son: *blank stare*
Me: No, you can't use it as a bullet because it's not a bullet. But yes, you can use it because I want to be able to tell all your friends about this moment when you're a teenager.
Son: *blank stare*
Daughter: Eeeeeeew, put that down! Mom puts that in her cha-cha!
Son: Her cha-cha is a gun?
Me: Yeah it is! I shoot AND I score with this gun! BOOYAH!
Son: *blank stare*
Me: Just go outside and ride your bike. It will be less embarrassing for you when you're in high school.
August 18, 2012
Drew and Jenny's Mad Lib
I know, I'm supposed to be finishing up "Futures and Frosting", but I thought this took precedence today. Thanks to my awesome reader Tiffany, I thought sitting down with Drew and Jenny and having them do a Mad Lib would be fun. So, here you go.
****************************
Me: So, you guys have done Mad Libs before, right?
Jenny: Oh totally! That's where you like, make up something as you go along, right?
Me: Uh, no. That's ad lib. I'm talking about Mad Libs. Where you give me a bunch of nouns and verbs and then they get put into a story and it's usually hilarious.
Drew: You know what's hilarious? Someone kicking a baby.
Me: No, that's just...no. Never funny.
Drew: You've obviously never Youtubed "Breakdancer kicks baby". Always funny.
Me: Focus. I'm going to ask you guys questions and give me the first thing that pops into your mind, okay?
Jenny: HOTDOGS!
Me: What?
Jenny: You said to say the first thing that popped into my head.
Me: I didn't even start yet. Jesus, this was a bad idea. I'm starting now. Give me a plural noun.
Drew: Cocks.
Me: Of course. Give me another noun.
Jenny: Suck
Me: A noun, Jenny. A person, place or thing.
Jenny: Suck is a thing. It's a thing I do.
Drew: Yeah you do!
Me: I'll just put sucker. Okay, another plural noun.
Drew: Boobs.
Me: Oh my God. Adjective.
Jenny: Red Dye #4
Me: *blank look*
Jenny: Adjective - something added to food to make it look or taste better.
Me: That's an ADDITIVE. I need an adjective - a describing word.
Drew: Ginormous.
Me: Another plural noun.
Drew: Vaginas.
Me: It's amazing how quickly we can go from zero to train wreck. Adjective.
Drew: Yeasty, heh heh!
Me: Type of liquid.
Jenny: Pee!
Me: Seriously? That's the first word that came to your mind when I said liquid?
Jenny: What? I have to pee.
********************************
So yeah, that's how THAT went. I'll save you from the torture of the rest of the questions and just give you their Mad Lib:
Farmers work very hard planting wheat and cocks. They begin by plowing their sucker, and if they don't have a tractor, they use boobs. Then they plant ginormous seeds, and by the next Fall, they have many acres of vaginas. Tomatoes are harder to raise. They grow on yeasty bushes and the farmer sprays them with pee to keep the bugs off. The easiest things to grow are green strip clubs, but the farmer must be very careful to make sure worms don't get into his vibrator. Farmers also raise onions, cabbages, lettuce and horse cocks. But no matter what they grow, farmers really lead a slutty life.
****************************
Me: So, you guys have done Mad Libs before, right?
Jenny: Oh totally! That's where you like, make up something as you go along, right?
Me: Uh, no. That's ad lib. I'm talking about Mad Libs. Where you give me a bunch of nouns and verbs and then they get put into a story and it's usually hilarious.
Drew: You know what's hilarious? Someone kicking a baby.
Me: No, that's just...no. Never funny.
Drew: You've obviously never Youtubed "Breakdancer kicks baby". Always funny.
Me: Focus. I'm going to ask you guys questions and give me the first thing that pops into your mind, okay?
Jenny: HOTDOGS!
Me: What?
Jenny: You said to say the first thing that popped into my head.
Me: I didn't even start yet. Jesus, this was a bad idea. I'm starting now. Give me a plural noun.
Drew: Cocks.
Me: Of course. Give me another noun.
Jenny: Suck
Me: A noun, Jenny. A person, place or thing.
Jenny: Suck is a thing. It's a thing I do.
Drew: Yeah you do!
Me: I'll just put sucker. Okay, another plural noun.
Drew: Boobs.
Me: Oh my God. Adjective.
Jenny: Red Dye #4
Me: *blank look*
Jenny: Adjective - something added to food to make it look or taste better.
Me: That's an ADDITIVE. I need an adjective - a describing word.
Drew: Ginormous.
Me: Another plural noun.
Drew: Vaginas.
Me: It's amazing how quickly we can go from zero to train wreck. Adjective.
Drew: Yeasty, heh heh!
Me: Type of liquid.
Jenny: Pee!
Me: Seriously? That's the first word that came to your mind when I said liquid?
Jenny: What? I have to pee.
********************************
So yeah, that's how THAT went. I'll save you from the torture of the rest of the questions and just give you their Mad Lib:
Farmers work very hard planting wheat and cocks. They begin by plowing their sucker, and if they don't have a tractor, they use boobs. Then they plant ginormous seeds, and by the next Fall, they have many acres of vaginas. Tomatoes are harder to raise. They grow on yeasty bushes and the farmer sprays them with pee to keep the bugs off. The easiest things to grow are green strip clubs, but the farmer must be very careful to make sure worms don't get into his vibrator. Farmers also raise onions, cabbages, lettuce and horse cocks. But no matter what they grow, farmers really lead a slutty life.
August 16, 2012
I'll Take Fisting for 200 Alex
So, I'm updating the Seduction and Snacks swag store on cafepress.com with a few new items. Once of them is a children's shirt that will say "My mom's not afraid to punch a kid". Well, I need a picture of a fist for this shirt. So I Googled "fist clipart". Eh, they were all kind of bad and mostly looked like man hands. Since it needs to be a woman's hand, I tried again.
Never, ever type the following words into Google: "Female fist". Don't do it. Just...don't. Some things can never be unseen. There are parts of your body where I believe a fist should NEVER go. Like your ear, or your nose or, I don't know, YOUR VAGINA.
All I wanted was a simple little picture of a woman's hand in the shape of a fist. Instead, I'm forced to endure countless hours of flashbacks of seeing what looks like a woman giving birth to an arm. AN ARM. Have you ever seen the episode of Dirty Jobs where Mike Rowe has to inseminate a cow? Picture that. Now picture it with humans.
My work here is done. In review, fist clipart = good, FEMALE fist = bad.
Never, ever type the following words into Google: "Female fist". Don't do it. Just...don't. Some things can never be unseen. There are parts of your body where I believe a fist should NEVER go. Like your ear, or your nose or, I don't know, YOUR VAGINA.
All I wanted was a simple little picture of a woman's hand in the shape of a fist. Instead, I'm forced to endure countless hours of flashbacks of seeing what looks like a woman giving birth to an arm. AN ARM. Have you ever seen the episode of Dirty Jobs where Mike Rowe has to inseminate a cow? Picture that. Now picture it with humans.
My work here is done. In review, fist clipart = good, FEMALE fist = bad.
August 14, 2012
Books or Boobs, I'll Sign Whatever
I have an announcement to make, and this one is seriously making me so excited I might piddle on the carpet just a little! It's okay, I'll make the kids clean it up. Cheap slave labor: the reason to procreate.
For anyone who'd like a signed copy of "Seduction and Snacks" or who'd like me to sign their boobs, vagina or the mole on their ass, I will be in Chicago on September 29th for an author signing event. It's free to the public and you can purchase books at the event or bring your own copy (Or your own body part. Or someone else's body party. But if you've cut it off without their permission, I don't know you.)
Hope to see you there!
Seduction and Snacks
For anyone who'd like a signed copy of "Seduction and Snacks" or who'd like me to sign their boobs, vagina or the mole on their ass, I will be in Chicago on September 29th for an author signing event. It's free to the public and you can purchase books at the event or bring your own copy (Or your own body part. Or someone else's body party. But if you've cut it off without their permission, I don't know you.)
Hope to see you there!
Seduction and Snacks
August 13, 2012
Teaser Monday :)
Since I adore all of you so much, here is the first teaser to the sequel of "Seduction and Snacks". Enjoy!
******************************
"Futures and Frosting" Teaser:
The sound of gagging and thumping interrupted our Hallmark card moment and Liz and I turned to see Jim's little cousin Melissa in her flower girl dress straddling Gavin on the floor and trying to choke him. Gavin flailed and kicked beneath her, trying to dislodge her hands from around his neck.
“Hey!” I whisper-yelled.
They both ceased all movement and turned to stare at me.
“WHAT are you doing?!”
Gavin shoved with all of his might and Melissa went tumbling off of him. He scrambled up, grabbing his fallen ring bearer pillow and clutching it to his chest.
“She freaking hell took my pillow! Stupid punk!” Gavin said loudly.
“He kicked me in my no-no-zone!” Melissa complained with a stomp of her foot.
“Oh my,” Liz's mother muttered.
“You should eat dirt!” Gavin turned and yelled at Melissa.
“I will NOT eat dirt!” she counterattacked.
“EAT IT WITH YOUR CHICKEN FACE!”
It was complete and utter child anarchy and before I could pick a kid to yell at, the organ music changed and began playing the song that I needed to walk down the aisle to with Gavin and Melissa right behind me.
I quickly bent down in front of both of them and stared them square in the eyes with as stern of an expression as I could muster.
“Both of you little monsters listen up. As soon as you step foot out of those doors you better have smiles on your faces and your outside voices duct taped inside your bodies. If you speak, push, shove, swear, argue or even blink at each other I will haul your asses out of that church and lock you in the basement with the scary clowns.”
I huffed to emphasize my point and stood, tugging up the front of my strapless dress.
“If I see a clown, I’m going to punch him in the nuts.”
“Gavin Allen!” I scolded.
“What? We didn’t step fru dose doors yet,” he argued, pointing behind me.
“Kid has a point,” Liz whispered, adjusting her veil.
“Behave,” I whispered through clenched teeth as I turned and nodded to the two church attendants so they could open the double doors for my entrance.
“My mom’s not afraid to punch a kid,” I heard Gavin whisper to Melissa as I took my first step down the aisle.
**************************************
Futures and Frosting
******************************
"Futures and Frosting" Teaser:
The sound of gagging and thumping interrupted our Hallmark card moment and Liz and I turned to see Jim's little cousin Melissa in her flower girl dress straddling Gavin on the floor and trying to choke him. Gavin flailed and kicked beneath her, trying to dislodge her hands from around his neck.
“Hey!” I whisper-yelled.
They both ceased all movement and turned to stare at me.
“WHAT are you doing?!”
Gavin shoved with all of his might and Melissa went tumbling off of him. He scrambled up, grabbing his fallen ring bearer pillow and clutching it to his chest.
“She freaking hell took my pillow! Stupid punk!” Gavin said loudly.
“He kicked me in my no-no-zone!” Melissa complained with a stomp of her foot.
“Oh my,” Liz's mother muttered.
“You should eat dirt!” Gavin turned and yelled at Melissa.
“I will NOT eat dirt!” she counterattacked.
“EAT IT WITH YOUR CHICKEN FACE!”
It was complete and utter child anarchy and before I could pick a kid to yell at, the organ music changed and began playing the song that I needed to walk down the aisle to with Gavin and Melissa right behind me.
I quickly bent down in front of both of them and stared them square in the eyes with as stern of an expression as I could muster.
“Both of you little monsters listen up. As soon as you step foot out of those doors you better have smiles on your faces and your outside voices duct taped inside your bodies. If you speak, push, shove, swear, argue or even blink at each other I will haul your asses out of that church and lock you in the basement with the scary clowns.”
I huffed to emphasize my point and stood, tugging up the front of my strapless dress.
“If I see a clown, I’m going to punch him in the nuts.”
“Gavin Allen!” I scolded.
“What? We didn’t step fru dose doors yet,” he argued, pointing behind me.
“Kid has a point,” Liz whispered, adjusting her veil.
“Behave,” I whispered through clenched teeth as I turned and nodded to the two church attendants so they could open the double doors for my entrance.
“My mom’s not afraid to punch a kid,” I heard Gavin whisper to Melissa as I took my first step down the aisle.
**************************************
Futures and Frosting
August 12, 2012
Oooooh Burn!
So, my 8 year old daughter fell down twice yesterday and landed on her arm. Now, I'm a pretty laid back parent. If you aren't bleeding from the ears or growing a third arm on your ass, you're not going to the emergency room where I'll have to shell out a $100 co-pay for some doctor who has been on call for 56 hours straight tell me in a bored voice that "It's not pneumonia, she just has a tickle in her throat" or "Her ankle isn't broken. She jumped down off of the bed when you weren't looking and just kicked me in the shin."
If you have a daughter, you know all about the crocodile tears and drama queen nonsense. Dr. Mom is in the house and if you can wiggle your fingers, nothing is bleeding and there isn't a bone protruding from your arm, you're fine. Shake it off.
My husband, being the more loving parent obviously (and by loving I mean a huge SUCKER for crocodile tears) went to the store and bought her a sling for her arm. Oh sweet baby Jesus, you would have thought we needed to get a handicapped parking space after that. "I can't pick up my toys, I'm wearing a sling.", "I can't wipe my ass, I'm wearing a sling."
She was wrestling with her little brother earlier (with her sling on, because obviously wrestling isn't as hard on her arm as picking up a few stuffed animals) when all of a sudden we hear, "Drew, I am going to tell all of your friends when you're in high school that I pinned you with one arm. That's just pathetic."
And she just COMPLETELY redeemed herself. I'm going to tell all of his friends in high school too. I think we'll make a day of it.
If you have a daughter, you know all about the crocodile tears and drama queen nonsense. Dr. Mom is in the house and if you can wiggle your fingers, nothing is bleeding and there isn't a bone protruding from your arm, you're fine. Shake it off.
My husband, being the more loving parent obviously (and by loving I mean a huge SUCKER for crocodile tears) went to the store and bought her a sling for her arm. Oh sweet baby Jesus, you would have thought we needed to get a handicapped parking space after that. "I can't pick up my toys, I'm wearing a sling.", "I can't wipe my ass, I'm wearing a sling."
She was wrestling with her little brother earlier (with her sling on, because obviously wrestling isn't as hard on her arm as picking up a few stuffed animals) when all of a sudden we hear, "Drew, I am going to tell all of your friends when you're in high school that I pinned you with one arm. That's just pathetic."
And she just COMPLETELY redeemed herself. I'm going to tell all of his friends in high school too. I think we'll make a day of it.
August 10, 2012
Rabid Hoo-Ha's
For all my fans who are more rabid than Claire's hoo-ha. You're welcome.
Seduction and Snacks Emporium
Seduction and Snacks
Seduction and Snacks Emporium
Seduction and Snacks
August 9, 2012
Wind Beneath My Wings
Have I told you guys how much I love you?
You are the best readers a gal could ask for. I love you more than Porn Movie Mondays and bacon.
Seduction and Snacks is now on a few of Amazon's top 100 best sellers lists:
#37 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Women's Fiction > Single Women
#48 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Humor
#61 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Humor
This boggles my mind. You have no idea.
To thank you for being so amazeballs!
You are the best readers a gal could ask for. I love you more than Porn Movie Mondays and bacon.
Seduction and Snacks is now on a few of Amazon's top 100 best sellers lists:
#37 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Women's Fiction > Single Women
#48 in Books > Literature & Fiction > Humor
#61 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Humor
This boggles my mind. You have no idea.
To thank you for being so amazeballs!
