Michelle L. Rusk's Blog, page 55

The first step: The Shamrock Shuffle 5K

Anyone who has known me for a long time knows how important running always was to me. I'm not sure [image error]where I picked it up but it was something I could do, not being very gifted with a ball. I often talk about how much I learned from running about life. 

But as the years have gone by, while I have continued to run, I have gotten pretty lazy about it. I walk some days and I've gotten very slow. This isn't necessarily bad because i rarely take days off. But I can still remember running up the side of the Sandia Mountain (yes, people do that here in Albuquerque) with Fred, the coach at Del Norte High School, where I used to teach and coach, and with the cross country team one summer and I actually stopped and walked. And I remember saying, "I have nothing to prove."

Finding New Motivation

To say my running has been stagnant for some time is an understatement. 

It's not that I was bored with running, I just had gotten very slow. So slow I don't want to admit what my times had come to. I stopped using my Nike GPS watch, which kept me honest, because it didn't want to link to the satellite more days than it actually did. 

But a switch flipped the other day and I feel a renewed sense of motivation. Usually it has to do with the warmer weather and the need to shed not just a layer of clothing but a layer of winter weight that has accumulated in the months where clothes cover most of any of us.

Last week I stopped at Sport Authority to use my $5 reward and while I walked around the store deciding what I couldn't live without, I spotted a bunch of pink running tops– not heavy for winter but not really for late spring when I will be in short sleeves. While I own a few pink running tops, and being someone who usually runs in the dark, most of my running gear is dark, too. And boring.

While I walked out of the store with a pair of shorts, yesterday morning I knew if I bought a pink top, that would be the perfect running reward to help me get my lazy time down. I charged up my watch and this morning I'm ordering a new pair of running shoes (it was time for those anyway).

Last night we stopped at Dick's and I found exactly what I was looking for but not in my size. This morning I will order it online and I've set a goal of a specific time for my route that I need to reach for me to wear it.

It's just the motivation I need.

"Be Courageous in Prayer"

While this might surprise many people, I have lived much of my life in fear. There were always things I wanted to accomplish, guys I wanted to like me, but I lived in fear that things would not happen. I remember back in the early '90s when the song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks came out and I had someone I was dating in a different state from me. I had prayed that things would work out between us and the song made me fear that they wouldn't work out.

Even through my divorce, I feared not having enough money, not having another relationship, and the list goes on. While I never feared asking for anything in prayer, I lived in fear of what I wouldn't get.

March Reminders

This month marks the anniversary of my younger sister Denise's suicide. I stated last year that I would not [image error]publicly acknowledge the day she died anymore (last year was twenty years). Obviously, since I have written extensively about her death and the effects on my life and that of my family, it would be easy to find the date. Still, on the date itself I won't mention it. Instead, I will focus on her birthday in April.

Her death doesn't define me or my life path. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I have a great life and I know she is still with me. But I admit that when March hits, there are subtle reminders all around: signs of life as everything starts to green up and the upcoming NCAA basketball tournament, where I was when she died.

My 2014 Lenten Journey

I have written in the past that I learned during my college experience how I didn't have to give something [image error]up for Lent (as I had been taught) but that I could do something good for myself. After years of not doing anything for Lent, three years ago I focused on learning to let go and this was my goal up until now. I didn't really know how I was going to do it but I knew I needed help in surrendering and probably what I got out of it most was the awareness of when I when I found myself needing to work on it. That in itself was huge because the first step to making change is that consciousness.

This year I have chosen something different, something more specific: letting go of outcomes in my life. I have realized there are a number of aspects of my life that I don't know how they will turn out. It's like I'm standing on a road with several roads in front of me and I am not sure which one I will choose.

It is this uncertainty that I have to live with because, despite my want to control everything in my life, I'm not supposed to. I can't count the times I've tried to control something only to have God snap it away from me or something happens to shows me I am trying too hard to make it happen my way. 

Tulips, quilts, and the balance of creativity

My tulips are coming up. Each morning when I walk outside to run, I inspect them and this morning I [image error]noticed a few new bulbs emerging from the dirt. Last fall, Greg helped me plant a bunch of new bulbs and I was sure to water them this winter so they would bloom this spring (living in the desert this is important; in the Midwest I would have taken it for granted because of snow and rain that things would bloom in the spring without any effort on my part).

I am also working on a quilt for my bed and I hope that in the next few weekends this will be finished so I can move onto painting the canvases I have prepped.

These creative activities are not just important but crucial for me. I spend a lot of time in front of my laptop writing outside of the daily work that keeps my bills paid. I need creative outlets that don't involve my laptop, a way to use my hands differently and allow my brain to wander in ways it can't when I'm doing something like writing this blog.

And because I am taking more time for my creative endeavors, I'm finding that after the weekend, I'm more rested and ready to take on the new week in front me. There is something to be said for taking some time off from the activities in our routines and how it makes a difference in outlet and our energy. 

And the necessity of creatitvity in our lives.

 

What Brings Me Peace

Life is a challenge for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we are working toward a goal and something [image error]doesn't fall into place and the goal falls apart. Other times we have people we care about who do something to hurt us or choose not to be in our lives anymore. I'm sure each one of us could make a list of a variety of situations that are painful and leave us feeling sad and out of control.

It took me a long time to figure it out, but there are two ways I find peace in the midst of challenging situations and relationships.

The first one is that, despite my wanting so badly to control anything and everything I can that surrounds me, sometimes I have to do nothing. I want to control my life because I am the type of person who wants to make things happen. I also am someone who wants to remove people who who hurt me. But sometimes, I am learning, there are times where I must do nothing and let the situations play out in ways they are supposed to, not controlled by me. I am still challenged by this and I'll be writing more about it on Wednesday as we embark on the Lenten season.

But I also have found that in challenging situations that if I ask what I can learn from it, that brings me a sense of calm. I'll say, "Help me learn what I am supposed to so that I can move on." Just by saying that (even typing it now) brings me a sense of relief. 

The Runaway Dream Lesson

I believe there are lessons we are continually taught because we don't truly learn them. And sometimes the [image error]lessons change because we didn't get them the first time (or secord or third). Last night I dreamt that my dog Gidget ran away. This wouldn't be unusual as Gidget likes to bolt out the front door and run around the yard. She thinks it's more play but it's stressful for me as she is fearful of people and likes to let them know she is nearby (scaring them with her growl).

In my dream, I was upset but then I knew I couldn't get her back and would have to let her go. I stood there watching her run away, acting as if we were playing a game, and then I went back in the house. I realized she would be back and I had to let that happen on terms that weren't mine.

Not long after I moved back to Albuquerquerque last year, one morning Chaco took off for the park a few blocks from my house. As I chased him down, afraid because it had been a long time since he reacted like that, I knew I should have let him go and come back but I was scared of the outcome, that he would disappear from my life. It was only later that I realized how silly I had been, especially because a man I know at the park (with his dog) caught Chaco and we went home and all was well.

My Olympic Dream

Each time the Olympics roll around, I am reminded of how important they are for me and especially regarding [image error]my own Olympic dream, one that was born the summer after sixth grade.

I was taking part in the local park district track program, even though I was terrrible at everything. I couldn't run fast, jump forward or up, or throw anything very far. But after my first mile, a 7:56 indoors (it was raining that day), our coach, Tom Whitaker, said to me that maybe one day I could be an Olympian. It was the summer of the 1984 Olympics, held in Los Angeles, and everyone had Olympic fever.

But that simple statement by Coach Tom took me a long way. On days when people hurt me or I felt like life was too difficult, I remembered the Olympic dream that burned inside me. It taught me that no matter what happened to me, I could succeed. 

My running career was never what I wanted it to be but I kept believing that one day I would overcome my mental issues in competition. Each time the Olympics rolled around, I longed to be part of them and saw my future bright with a gold medal in the 1,500 meter run. 

Spinning Forgiveness

While I don't attest to being perfect, I do think I am more aware of my actions– and how they affect [image error]others– than most people. I may not know it in the moment but it's usually later I can see why I reacted a certain way. I often talk about how we each have varying sizes and shapes of luggage that we bring with us into relationships, it is that very luggage that often causes us to react the way we do. And in those moments, the other person, who might not know about that particular piece of luggage, will not realize what he or she said was hurtful. 

I don't believe anyone should walk on egg shells worrying about what they have said, but I do believe that we owe it to each other to attempt to put one's shoes on and realize that what might not be hurtful to us, maybe was hurtful to them because of something that happened before.