Michelle L. Rusk's Blog, page 58

"I Am With You"

Last week on New Year's Eve I was in the middle of a prayer during my run-walk with my dog Chaco, asking that God [image error]be with me, when I looked down and saw a penny. In my past, I was not one to ever ask that God be with me, nor did I feel God's presence. Life events had taught me that it was better to go the road alone, that I didn't need God or another higher power. I had no sense that having someone to walk the road with me would also ease the pain that life can bring.

And while life has changed there are many times where I know that God is with me, yet I don't feel God with me. It's almost as if he has his arms around me and I can't feel the strength of them. But when I found the penny, I knew it was his way of telling me he is with me. I read once recently where God is more likely to show us he is with us rather than tell us. I believe it's because we are surrounded by symbolism and we often miss most of it. 

I went home, thanking God and smiling, and took out one of my other dogs (Gidget) for her run-walk. Shortly after we started, I spotted a dime near a curb. I laughed because usually I find a dime and a penny. This was very cool and it made me happy.

The Balancing Act of Achieving Those Resolutions

While the best time to set goals and make resolutions is any day of the year, in many ways there is a lot of excitement [image error]about doing them when a new year starts. It's when we have the opportunity to throw away last year's calendar (for those of us who still have a paper one on the wall) and put up a new one; there is a lot of motivation to take this opportunity and make the most of it. 

For me, putting away the Christmas decorations also signals the end of the holidays and time to get back to the routine and make changes while I'm in the midst of putting my house back together. As I'm doing that, I also have a tendency to clean things out I might not have done in some time or move things around. This year there isn't as much of that since I only moved just nine months ago. I have been joking that my closets aren't full since I had two big moves in two years.

2013 Coins: $7.79

The coin amount for 2013 was $7.68 until early this morning.[image error]

I wrote a few months ago that I felt silly picking up the coins and that I was going to stop. While the road has been long and filled with lots of lessons I have tried to learn (espcially because some of them keep repeating since I apparently refuse to learn them), this last year was filled with a lot of movement forward in my life. I didn't think I needed the coins and thought that maybe they were better served by being left for someone else.

This proved to be more difficult than I thought to do. I hated walking by them. I acknowledged them in my head and would think about posting what I saw on Facebook and Twitter but I often got distracted and forgot about them. But I also found I couldn't stop picking up quarters. While some people think a penny is useless, I can always use quarters especially at parking meters (yes, we have some of those in Albuquerque). Then it became that I would sometimes pick up coins and other times not but mostly not.

A new calendar, new goals, and a new laptop

For several years my laptop and I have been at odds. While it was one thing that I typed on it so much that I [image error]had begun to wear the paint off the keys, it was another that some days it ran so slowly that it was keeping me from getting my work done. Sometimes it went to sleep and refused to wake up, probably because I worked it so hard. The final straw came when the fan refused to quit running. The white noise was a little too loud.

While there were small ways to make some things better, the reality was I needed something faster. And lighter didn't sound bad either since my laptop goes wherever I do. I finally sucked it up and bought a new one last week. This wasn't an easy decision as financially it wasn't the best time (is it ever?) but I knew that it was keeping me from being more productive.

The Anticipation of Christmas

I never thought much about how most of what the Christmas season is about the anticipation of the day. I [image error]heard about it at Mass the first Sunday in Advent, how different it is from Lent because it's all about anticipation, especially because Christmas is such a happy occasion. As I mulled this over, I thought about how we also anticipate Santa Claus visiting on Christmas. Children everywhere look forward to his arrival and the excitement of the gifts he might bring.

I can always remember in my life how Christmas has felt like a magical time. Even when I stopped believing in Santa Claus, it felt as if anything was possible during the Christmas season, more so than any other time of the year.

But in that, sometimes there was disappointment for things that I wanted to happen that didn't. And so Christmas Day would pass and I would feel deflated. This hasn't always been true (especially the years when I got a Duran Duran Poster or the new Roger Daltery tape– sometimes it is about the little things!), but I can remember a few where I really hoped some people in my life would come through in certain ways and they didn't. 

Now that I am older (and I hope wiser), I have learned it's about having people to spend it with and relishing in that. Some Christmases are more exciting than others but the happiest ones are where the memories are formed because people appreciated the time spent with them.

The Holiday Tradition Merry Go Round

No matter what we remember about Christmases past, we often hold the holiday traditions closest to us. And when we [image error]have our own families, we cherish those traditions we form. However, life changes and when our families change, we reach the holidays to realize that our traditions won't be the same. Whether it's because someone has died or because of the end of a relationship, it's painful to know things won't be the same.

I've watched my Christmas traditions change for both reasons. But what I do know is that even though my holiday traditions remain in flux right now, at some point new ones will form. The key is to try new things each year. Is there something you always wanted to do but couldn't for the holidays? Even if it means going to the beach and not doing Christmas in the traditional sense. Or maybe you've always wanted to go to a movie on Christmas Day? Whatever it is, do it! 

Ginger's Gift: Eight Years Later

It's hard to believe it's been eight years since we surprised Mom with Ginger, a white lab who came from the South Valley of Albuquerque. I can still remember the excitement of planning that Christmas when we essentially held a "dog shower" for mom so she would have everything she needed from food to bowls to a bed.

But none of us had any idea that on New Year's Day my dad would died suddenly that morning. While he had said he hadn't been feeling well recently, we didn't expect that he would die so quickly. Suddenly, Ginger's importance in Mom's life changed.

They were constant companions and then several Christmases ago Mom added another white lab, a senior, named Daisy. Ginger and Daisy died within eight days of each other in September 2011, two months before I moved back to Chicago with Chaco and Gidget in tow.

It all gets done...somehow...

As I write this, my Christmas cards are staring at me on the side of my desk. I managed to make the cut off date for buying a few gifts online yesterday and having them delivered by Christmas Eve (which was important because one of them isn't sold here in Albuquerque) and tomorrow I have two gifts left to buy. I have no idea what we are doing on Christmas Day. 

This is very unlike me. I'm usually done with at least my cards and usually my gifts and my grocery list is made. However, this year I've had several work projects and numerous articles to write. I finally realized: somehow it will get done.

We spend most of the holiday season fretting about everything we need to do only to realize when it's over that we did get it all done. And if it didn't get done? No one noticed (and that's usually the cleaning house before everyone arrives part).

Redeeming Christmas in a Story

Some years ago, in the years before I was married, I had a boyfriend for several years. Into the second year, he
began to lose interest and it was most prevalent when he stopped inviting me to family gatherings. I finally broke it off with him and tried to go on with my life. But that first holiday season without him and his family was very painful even though I had made plans to fly to Chicago on Christmas Day to see my family.

Christmas Eve left me at home alone because my housemates had plans. To say I was sad was an understatement. I felt depressed and it was made worse watching all the holiday movies.

In the early evening darkness that night, I began to write a story. When I was in high school I had once read an essay by a woman who took the dance she wasn't invited to as a an opportunity to create a story, one filled with hope and happiness. While she never did publish that story, it did bring her hope in a bleak moment.

A Holiday Message: It's Still About the Barbie Bathtub

I wrote this blog last year but it's still a favorite holiday memory to share:

It was all about the Barbie bathtub.

I can remember it like it was yesterday– the moment when my younger sister Denise and I found the Barbie bathtub that I was going to get for Christmas. It was in a cedar closet my dad had built in the basement. I don’t think we were necessarily snooping around for gifts but we found them. And my Barbie family would also be getting a new nightstand. What a year for them!