Michelle L. Rusk's Blog, page 52

A Wedding

It had been a long time since I attended but Saturday changed all that.[image error]

Weddings are such important events in our lives and, if we choose to, should be celebrated with all the people we care about.

But after we divorce, they can be difficult experiences. Some people it's sad because we watch a couple reciting their vows and we think back on our wedding day and marriage and the hope we had for it. And there we are watching a couple at the front of the church and hoping that they will be happy, that they will grow together and have that marriage that will last for the rest of their lives. The one we thought we would have.

However, none of us knows what will happen in life. No one walks down the aisle thinking the marriage will end. No one wants to go through divorce or the end of a relationship (a reason people often stay together even if they are unhappy). We wish people all the happinesss in the world on their wedding day but it's a leap of faith that we must trust.

Opening Doors through Graduation

During my senior year of high school, I remember having a conversation with one of my cousins, who was[image error] older than me, and she asked, "Are you going to college?"

Are? I wondered. The question in my family was Where?

There was an expectation we all would go get at least a bachelor's degree and I know that in wanting to be a writer, I needed that degree to open doors.

Signs of Songs...and a Penny

This morning on my run-walks with the dogs I decided I really wanted a lime/berry smoothie rather than my usual peanut butter/milk/coffee protein combo. There is a place nearby that makes what I wanted but I opted to go to the grocery store, which is actually closer, and buy the ingredients in case I want one tomorrow as well.

It's been a challenging few days to say the least. I don't want to delve into some aspects of my life but finding peace in the face of people causing chaos has been difficult. On top of the three coats of paint it took to get a room finished in my house.

As I drove to the store, "Hot Hot Hot" came on the radio by Buster Poindexter. It's a silly 80s song and not one I have heard on the radio in a long time but it was one of my mom's favorite songs. 

Good morning, Mom," I said as I pulled out my driveway.

My mom had some songs that over the years she told us she wanted played at her funeral and wake and this was one of them.

The Doubting of Faith

I used to be embarrassed to tell people that at one point in my life I doubted God existed. 

While I freely admit that speaking openly about what I believe now is vastly different than my keeping it to myself as I used to, I always felt that if I said I doubted the existence of God, people would think there was something wrong with me.

At the same time, I can look back on my journey and see that my time of doubting him was important to this journey of where I am today. Because I doubted my faith, I have a stronger belief in it now.

The Power of Change

Several weeks ago I had a dream where I saw my mom– as if she had come back to life. What I don't remember is our conversation.

However, in the dream I had right after that, I was going to some sort of event and had forgotten my shawl...and my shoes. I stood there freaking out, unable to believe how I had walked out of the house without shoes on, when I realized something.

I could change the dream.

I could change the outcome. I could put shoes on me and add a shawl, much like I did with my Barbie dolls or when I'm writing a manuscript and want to change something about a character.

Sending the past and future into flames

Last week I ended yet another group for divorce and separated women through the Archdiocese of Santa Fe. This time [image error]we ended the group at my house with a pot luck and a burning ritual.

I have found in the past year of learning to let go of things (and by that I mean mostly people and situations– not anything material) in my life, that it's not enough to say to someone, "Pray about it." Sometimes we need some sort of physical ritual, something that we do. I often suggest to people lighting a candle because there is something about the flame that helps us let go of whatever bothers us.

Because it was our last meeting and I knew there are still challenges ahead for all the women (me included– even going forward has challenges especially as I also navigate the loss of my mom on top of the rest of my life), and I wanted to do something meaningful for all of us.

It wasn't just a car

It seems silly that I was upset that my mom's car was picked up Friday night to be shipped back to my brother in Illinois. After all, it was just a car. But while the car is a material item, it was still her car. I insisted on staying outside in the darkness Friday night (the driver had been stuck in a traffic jam coming out of Phoenix and was late getting to me), while the Corvette that would sit behind Mom's car was unloaded, Mom's car was loaded, and then the driver reloaded the corvette and checked everything. 

With a simple goodbye, saying he was ready, the truck turned the corner in the darkness and I said goodbye to yet another piece of my mom's life.

Giving Back: The Mom Way

On my birthday in December 2012, I wrote my Good Causes column for the Naperville Sun newspaper about how I had
grown up not being much of a giving back/volunteer for charity type person. Many of my columns for the Sun are about young people who donate– primarly high school and college students. 

Naperville, a suburb of Chicago, is an upscale community but it's not the same place where I was raised and where our parents weren't faced with the same dilemmas as parents who raise their kids today are. Today parents there encourage their kids to do charity work because they don't want their children to think that everyone in the world lives like they do in Naperville. 

Getting Back on the Track

Two days before my mom died, I finally got back on the track, something I'd been talking about doing for several years. [image error]However, after her death on March 24, my life was obviously turned upside down in many ways and it was hard to get back to it. I had signed up for a road race (which was nearly two weeks ago) and my plan was to work on slowly getting my time down by entering periodic races. But I needed the track workouts to help me get there.

Finally this past Saturday I promised myself I would do one. I couldn't remember my times from the last one but I decided my goal would be to not stop. It might sound silly that, being someone who has been running since I was twelve, I issues with stopping but it's because the role of running has changed so much in my life.

I am obivously not a teen girl running on her high school track and cross country team anymore. I don't have a coach to breath down my back (I had one in junior high who really did that and the initimidation worked). I don't have meets to enter weekly or a state meet to work at qualifying for.

Because I was running three repeat 1600s (that's four laps each), I had plenty of time to think about all this. While at times I would "check out" mostly because I didn't want to think anymore, in the beginning I found myself exploring why I was running and how those reasons had changed over the years of my life.

The Healing of Entertaining

I had three parties at my house this weekend.[image error]

I am not a glutton for punishment and it's not something I normally do. But it was very healing for me.

We all grieve uniquely and for me, because I am home working alone all day (now that my mom isn't living in my house with me) I have to make a conscious effort to keep myself connected to people. I don't talk about it often but I am field researcher for the National Military Family Bereavement Study which means I interview grieving families that have lost an active duty service member.