Michelle L. Rusk's Blog, page 48

Ten days, the marriage license, and a bunch of coins

Today marks ten days until my wedding. As I have said before, I still can't believe that we were just 200 days from it and now we're almost down to single digits. 

On Friday, we went to the county office to purchase our marriage license, mostly because we didn't want to forget to do it as people begin to arrive into Albuquerque next week. But as I watched the other couples there, I was thinking how I feel I am married to Greg because of my commitment to him. And I know he has the same commitment to me.

Every day I have been asking that I make the most of these days before the wedding because while we already are married, the wedding marks not just a new journey but also an opportunity to celebrate our new journey together with our families and friends.

There are some changes in my life ahead as I continue the shed the past, of what doesn't work for me, of history that I don't need to hold onto. I have tried to make the most of these nine months of planning our wedding as a time to prepare myself for what will be a new life in some ways but probably not obvious in many other ways.

Over the years I have posted on social media the coins that I found, this starting after my father died in 2006. I had never been one to find coins but I can still remember the first ones I found on vacation in Florida that year. This was an obvious sign to me because my dad's life was about money. What better sign for him to leave that he is with me?

Yesterday morning, Greg and I went to Sam's Club to pick up a few things for wedding related events and on the way in, Greg spotted a dime. Then he saw a penny. At first I thought, the usual combination that I find.

But then we looked ahead and there was another dime. And a quarter. 

Reflecting back on this experience yesterday, I see how it was about things we do together. I wasn't finding the coins– Greg spotted them before me. Instead, we did it together because then we both saw the second dime and quarter.

The changes aren't obvious as I said before, but as we start a new journey together, I see them happening now.

The Changed Routine

While I am all for making my routine better if it benefits me in some way, I also resist changing it because I quite honestly don't like think very hard early in the morning. When I get up to run, that's my time to let my mind wander and prepare for the day, also spending time in prayer.

But this morning I had to make several changes, one of which I dreaded.

I realized how slow I've been running when a man passed me one morning last week– he wasn't going that fast because I stayed right behind him and then he turned while I went straight. It had been some time since I had used my watch to run but I realized that it would make me honest and push me if I knew my times.

I won't be one of those people wearing anything that collects data on myself for the simple reason that in the past it took me to an obsessive level which is the reason I stopped wearing a watch: I was too hung up on my times. 

But I do know that by wearing the watch I'm bringing balance to my life by working a little harder.

However, it's quite a different situation for my dog Chaco. At fourteen, he has recently started to struggle near the end of a run-walk he and I have done for twelve years. There was a time when I took him on my run (the only reason we stopped doing that was because he wanted to stop and sniff everything). He was very depressed when he came to live with us in 2003 and each morning I took him to the park and slowly we began to run a few steps at time. Over the years, it became our thing and we had a route we did each day.

In the last few months though, he has shown signs of difficulty breathing and while we had toned the route down to just a walk (with Hattie), I realized in the last week or so that I needed to cut it short. This morning instead of going first as he has for twelve years, he went last. We had gotten to the point where I was dragging him along and he was clearly uncomfortable.

I dreaded having to hold him back for Hattie to go out first (on his old route where she and I could still run part of it), then Gidget on her run, and then take him to just to the park to walk with Hattie. But we survived: he wasn't happy he had to wait but when it was his turn he was happy to get out. The last thing I want to take away is something that I know makes him happy.

Change is never easy, even if it's good change. But by making change, we are challenging ourselves to go forward. Taking Chaco on a shorter walk isn't what I want to do but I also know it's important to keep him happy and make sure our walks are something we still both enjoy. 

The Voicemail

I bought a new phone last week and when I arrived home to upload the backed up version to the new phone and then erase the data on the old phone, I remembered there was a voicemail from my mom that I wanted to save. I played it on speaker and recorded it to a voice memo on the new phone. 

The message was the only one I had from my mom. Since she lived with me she didn't usually call me unless she was away. It was a week before she died and she had arrived at my sister's the day before. She was telling me that she was taking life easy that day, that my sister was taking one of her dogs to the vet. She also gave a weather report: that and knowing what I was eating for dinner were the two things I always could count on her to ask.

But as I scrolled through the voicemails, I also saw several from my neighbor who died a few months after her. I started to play them, each a chapter in the story about my front lawn.

"Hi Michelle, it's Basil. Do you want me to cut your lawn?"

For the record, I hate to mow and refuse to do it. But I have an amoeba of grass in my front yard and, well, someone had to cut it because it wasn't going to be me. This was something Basil always did for me when my former husband was out of town. 

It was different this time; he was clearly worn out, not like in the past when he would go home and set off to play basketball at the tennis club down the street. After he died, I could look back and see the clear signs that his body was failing although he didn't want to admit it.

The second message was about fertilizing the lawn. My fiancé (who was then "just" my boyfriend) was going to do that and Basil offered a spreader that he forgot he had.

And in the final message– the one I ended up keeping– he asked me how I liked my front yard and that he expected it to "pop" in twenty-four to forty-eight hours. Basil had high expectations for the greening of lawns.

I don't know that I will ever listen to the saved messages from my mom or Basil but it's nice to know they are there because sometimes I miss those calls.

Opening a New Door

On June 12, 2013, my group for separated and divorced women met for the first time in the Guadalupe Room of my church. I had no idea that evening the huge door running the group would open in my life, but I knew it was something that I was drawn to do. Almost two years to the date later, on June 13, 2015, I will get ready for my wedding in that very room for my wedding.

It's been quite a journey and last night I ended the meetings for this group of women, with some additions and subtractions of members over the two years, and in the fall I will start a brand new group.

While no one's life is perfect and we all have parts of life we find challenging, it's time for a new journey for each of us. A half hour before my wedding ceremony, the group of us will gather in the room for a prayer, the last time we will meet there together, a time I see as graduation.

Of course it's sad to see them go as they have taught me as much as I have learned from them. I have been amazed at their journeys and I will take what they taught me not just to the next group but into a book that I will finish writing in July.

They have grown so much in these past two years and much has happened in their lives– and mine. To listen to them say they have happy moments now, that they know it's time to move forward, to see their excitement that up ahead they have many unknown opportunities awaiting them,, is gratifying to me. I am grateful that I have been part of their journeys and had that chance to watch their growth.

While I start a new journey in my life with Greg, for them there also is a new door to open. I see my wedding for all of us as a day to celebrate all that we have learned and shared, and for them to see that they, too, can have that happiness of a marriage once a again. I believe that will come for all of them in time as they continue to process the long marriages they had that ended and find out who they are what they truly want from life.

Several years ago I found these "inspire bracelets" at the St. James church gift shop in Redondo Beach, California, where I attend Mass when I visiting there. I bought one for each of the women in my group and had Fr. Eric at church bless them one day after Mass; he even sprinkled a bit of holy water on them. I chose turquoise because Native Americans have traditionally used it as a healing color. I gave them each one last night.

The bracelets are a reminder of how far they come, of what they have learned, and the excitement of what's ahead. 

 

Hope on the Weekend

I spent many Friday evenings at the driving range.

Even though I'll be married in just a few weeks, I haven't forgotten what it's like to be alone on weekends, especially Friday night. Not that Greg and I go out bar hopping on Friday nights (especially considering most nights I'm asleep by 9:00 because I'm up around 5:00 am almost every morning), but there's something to be said for knowing I have someone to do things with on the weekend.

It seems like recently I've heard of several break ups including people I know and there's a three-day weekend that starts tomorrow. It's a challenging place to be because people sometimes forget to include their single friends in parties and if you're single it can be a challenge to find things to do and people do them with.

I've had the discussion with some of the members in my group for separated and divorced women about the challenge of weekends. While I was at the driving range, another one said she would go to the grocery store and put two things in her cart and then walk around for an extended period of time. That way she didn't have to be home alone. She'd spend the rest of the weekend doing laundry and going into work.

I took any social invitation I was given and once I returned to New Mexico and moved back into my house with the pool, I had a group of friends I invited over for as many weekends as possible: the kids would swim and we'd all share lunch. While I still hated that I was alone, I made sure to make the most of my time.

If you're single, then that's where you're supposed to be right now. It feels awful, I know, because life is meant to be shared. But there is something you're supposed to learn from it and ask for help with that. If anyone offers you a social opportunity, take it and have a good time. No matter what we're going through, we must be present in our lives.

And for the people who have families and relationship? Make sure to include your single friends this Memorial Day weekend. It's the start of summer and that should be a hopeful time for all of us.

 

Filling the First Pew

The other day I was talking to someone about the fact that both my parents are deceased and won't be at my wedding in a few weeks. She instantly said, "Well, you know what to do: put flowers on their chairs."

When my fiancé and I first got engaged this had been my plan: I was going to have flowers set in the first pew for my parents and for my sister. However, as time went on, I realized it was more important for me to fill the pew with people in my life rather than leave it empty.

I refuse to go through my life constantly thinking about what I don't have. Instead, life is about being grateful for who is still in our lives and acknowledging them. My parents will be noted in the program but that first row will have several people that might not be my blood family but are people I consider family. 

My parents will be there in spirit, my dad probably happy he doesn't have to dress up. It's not the way I wished my life to be but I'm not going to let it get me down either. A wedding is about a new journey and many times that day is filled with loss because none of our lives is perfect. Instead, we should celebrate what we have and the more we do that, the more that will come our way.

Endless Opportunities

Every morning the run-walk that Gidget and I do takes us up a hill to a four-way stop sign. When we turn right, we can see the endless west mesa, a view that stretches for miles and one that's hard to capture in a photo.

Growing up in the Chicago suburbs I wasn't accustomed to such views because flatness and trees kept us from seeing much. I found that when I went to the ocean or the mountains, I felt inspired and energized.

This is much like life: we have endless opportunities but often the road is clouded or is hidden by the trees. We can't see for endless miles like this photo taken from the top of the mesa at Acoma Pueblo. And in those times we feel trapped regarding our life situations. 

It's because we have forgotten that the endless road is still there. Our dreams get squashed for a variety of reasons: sometimes because of others, sometimes sabotaged by ourselves. 

But it doesn't have to be that way. Taking a trip to the ocean or the mountains reminds us that the road is open and clear, we have the opportunity to take it forward if we choose. The key is not letting it hold us back. Even when we feel like we're standing in front of a forest that feels endless, the mountain or ocean scene is just behind it. 

Life is too short to not set goals or work toward achieving our dreams. It doesn't matter if we don't know how we'e going to get where we want to be, the first step is asking for help getting there. Throw it out to God/the universe.

Then watch the endless mesa appear once again.

Prayer Interruption

It's so easy to be negative about anything that doesn't go the way we believe it should go– the way we are taught it should go. 

Sitting in prayer or meditation for any length of time can be a challenge. Our minds wander into a variety of other subjects that encompass who we are: what we're going to have for lunch, who is annoying us, what we still need to do that day, and a never-ending list of other items. 

Sometimes we give up on prayer because we feel like we have failed. After all, we've been told we need to focus on God and being present during that time. But we haven't failed!

In fact, we should be turning around what feels like failure and think about how it could help us. I had someone recently point out to me that interruptions in prayer are often things that might become ministries in our lives. If you're being interrupted by certain thoughts, maybe it's because those thoughts are supposed to be there and they are the very thoughts you don't think you're hearing because you think they are the wrong thoughts.

Next time you pray and feel yourself being interrupted, listen closely. There's probably a bigger message in the prayer.

How Lucky You Are

Today my fiancé and I are a month from our wedding. While it's hard to believe that it was just 200 days– I find myself wondering where this time went– I am excited that soon we will gather with our friends and families for the start of a new journey for both of us.

I introduced Greg to a friend of mine over the weekend and he happened to be just enduring a break up. Just about two weeks ago a woman he thought he was going to spend his life with ended their relationship and he's clearly heartbroken.

He stood there and looked at us and said, "Do you two know how lucky you are? That you have said you want to grow old together?"

He admitted that he still has faith that relationship will come, he was disappointed that he thought he had found the right person and it didn't work out. I was there and I understood. Each day I make sure I am thankful for having Greg in my life and how much we share. Many times it's just nice to know he's in the house with me even if we are doing separate things. I do know that later we will spend time together or that I can throw an idea off him. Or that he'll make dinner if I'm overwhelmed with work.

While we might find ourselves getting caught up in the wedding details (the top of the list includes getting RSVPs and finalizing the program for the designer), we're looking forward to the our wedding day and what it means to both of us.

And what comes after.

Finding the Spark

Recently a friend asked me if I have always worn such bright colors. It reminded me of several years ago when I began to pick out brighter clothing– several people noticed that on both my web site at the time and at speaking events I had vibrant, happy colors and patterns in my dresses and skirts. Yet there I was speaking about grief. For me, I wanted to show that life is still good no matter what happens to us because I strongly believe that in my own life.

 Yet it's a challenge for many people to find the inspiration and hope to go forward.

I have written before that I believe that we all have a spark within us and that's what keeps us going. I have bad days, too- life is never a flat emotional line– but even on those bad days I might have to take a break and process what has happened or what I feel but somewhere I am able to redirect myself to what's most important to me, what motivates me, what inspires me, what goals I want to accomplish. And if I'm letting something fester, I find that I have to almost pinch myself to zap myself out of wasting my time on that when I could be doing something more productive whether that be writing, painting, or simply emptying the dishwasher so it gets done. 

I have talked a lot about my work taking a shift over the last few years and now I see– coinciding with my wedding in a month– the road is becoming more clear. While I don't believe that we have to suffer to live a full life or to be a writer, I do believe that everything I have been through has taught me something I can use to help others.

And what I see in myself is that I'm at my core who I always was, perhaps a 2.0 version, but one that I like. I'm not afraid to wear the fun prints or sleep on sheets with flamingos. Life is short and being present is the greatest gift we can give ourselves because there is no regret in being present.

Look forward to more in the coming months about how you find the spark, what you do with it, and the holistic approach to finding happiness again.