Susan Cottrell's Blog, page 60
February 21, 2013
Where Do You Get Your Idea of God?
“What we believe about God is the most important thing about us.” A.W. Tozer
What do you think about God? There’s a good chance you know a lot about Him, and good chance you believe things about Him that are true. But how do you feel about Him emotionally? Yesterday I wrote that we treat others the way we believe God treats us. But where do we get that belief? If we believe He’s condemning, or absent, or forgiving — where does that idea come from? Especially because we have such a variety of opinions among Christians. Some cower in His presence; some work hard to keep every rule; some are carefree with the rules; some jump up in His lap. God is vast and varied, yes, but where do we come up with such vast and varied views of Him?
Consider this: when you are a tiny baby, with no ability to get anything for yourself, your parents are your God, especially Dad. Mom feeds you, yes, and she certainly has a humongous impact. But Dad drives the family. That is, if he is a tyrant, everyone cowers in fears. If he is joyful, the family can breathe easily. If he holds everyone to a high standard, they jump to meet it. If he leaves disappears forever, the family feels abandoned and insecure.
I recently talked to a gal who did not believe in God; to her, He simply was a figment of mankind’s imagination and she put no stock in Him. But then we talked about her father, who had been virtually non-existent in her life. Though he floated in and out in recent years, he had no part of her formative years whatsoever. As she connected the dots, tears streamed down her face. All this time she had put onto God the formative image she had of her father. And God had come up short.
If you think about how you really see God, how you categorize His requirements and his attitude toward you, you will see a pretty good picture of your dad. Consider your emotional response to God, and then see if that fits your dad as well. Let God stir that around in your heart. He may bring you some real freedom.
Filed under: Abiding In Christ
February 20, 2013
February 18, 2013
Give Thanks in All Things
This is another post from the upcoming Marriage Renovation.
It was near the tail end of our marriage renovation, the second and final time Rob suggested we separate, that I had a choice to make. I stood at the edge of the cliff, with God asking me to leap. I had nothing left to hold me but God, and every ounce of my hope was in Him and Him alone.
In that leap, I found myself extremely grateful for God, for what He’d shown me, for my children, for family, for friends, for the many disasters God had averted through this whole experience. It wasn’t because I was so spiritual—it was because He was all I had left. I was grateful He still had a plan for me, that He wasn’t yet finished with me. I wanted to stick my head into a Monte Python skit and say, “I’m not dead yet!” It feels like death. But then you take one more step beyond death, and you soar in freedom.
Wherever you are on this journey, begin to consider what you have to be thankful for. In your confusion, anger and intense pain, invite your heart into the beauty of seeing all that remains. See what God may whisper to you. Thankfulness at this time may seem like a trumped up emotion, like thanking someone for a gift you don’t like, but instead it is the recognition that God is sovereign, loves you, and has something ahead better than you can imagine. [Ephesians 3:20] Thankfulness is the truth.
Thankfulness will not instantly change your circumstances, of course, but in true thankfulness, the circumstances recede. They cease to matter so much because God. Because I am. What else could matter?
God told Rob we were not to separate, but by that time, it almost didn’t matter. Separating or not was no longer the main point. God was the main point. I had fallen fully onto God, and He had revealed that He had me. No matter what happened, I would be good. Not, I would be okay, but I would be good. Thankfulness puts you in the place to hear God as He leads you into new circumstances. Nothing beats knowing Him like that.
When we turn to Him, He has a unique way of showing us our issues we might not hear from anyone else. Michelle was a young wife, livid about her husband’s selfishness—and he was selfish. She reluctantly began a gratitude journal and was surprised to see how much she had to be thankful for. She was even more surprised to see how selfish she was as well. God did not change her husband just then, but He turned Michelle’s life completely around. Gratitude lifts your eyes from your spouse to God. Gratitude lifts your eyes from yourself to God. On God is the best place your eyes can be.
Don’t need try to give God a reason to bless you either. (That’s kind of like earning His blessing.) Just rest in His goodness and mercy. Aah!
This renewed heart of gratitude—this focus on God—is an ongoing process. When our backs are no longer against the wall, we can lose sight of what got us through. But I’m thinking nothing will bring life to your wounded heart like lifting your eyes to Him in gratitude, and loving what He is doing in your life.
Like Job, we can recognize that good will come to us and so will trouble; we brought nothing into the world, and we take nothing out. But we can still praise the name of the Lord.
Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Marriage
February 15, 2013
February 14, 2013
Video 3 on God’s Love
Want true love? You can have it! Join us for this series on love.
I would be delighted to hear of your encounters with Jesus’ love — or of what holds you back from it. Please comment and tell your story. Look forward to hearing from you!
Filed under: Love
February 13, 2013
February 12, 2013
Video on God’s Love… for Valentines
Enjoy this Valentine’s video from this week’s series for a glimpse of what real love looks like!
Filed under: Abiding In Christ
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February 8, 2013
Hopping Mad
Anger frightens us. We’ve seen it way out of control, and we’ve seen it do a lot of damage. When our first “gods” (our father and/or mother) got angry, we cowered back. We were afraid, and we vowed we would never do that to our family.
Men get mixed signals about yelling in anger. Why is yelling so wrong when it produces results? I know in my gut it’s wrong, but the family sure springs into action! Where do I draw the line so I don’t ruin my family?
Women receive other mixed signals. Don’t you raise your voice, Young Lady! Anger is not Christian, not ladylike, not safe. Anger is not okay. They remember the fear they experienced when their parent(s) yelled, and they are deathly afraid of doing the same thing. Instead, they internalize their anger.
But anger was not designed to scare people we love into submission, and fear was not designed to control people. Anger and fear were meant to help protect us in a dangerous situation.
Imagine that you witness a teenager run and grab a woman’s purse. Then he pushes her down. Then he begins to punch her. You can’t believe it. Your rising anger signals that this is wrong and something must be done. Adrenaline kicks in, preparing you for fight or flight, because one or the other may be necessary. This physical reaction is a God’s gift to prepare us for right action.
When the gas gauge alerts you to your empty tank, you don’t smash it, or cover it with black tape—you stop for gas. Anger likewise alerts us—to take right action to deal with the situation underneath.
Trauma, abuse, unrelenting stress—can bring lingering effects that just won’t shake (post-traumatic stress disorder), which requires competent help. But simply taking action can aid healing. Speaking up to the boss, fighting back against an attacker, taking a new life direction, or even role-playing that fight-back long after the event—all these actions can make the difference in recovery.
YOU’LL HAVE TO PAY FOR THAT
It’s not right, it’s not justifiable, and it’s not fair, but when you tell the truth to someone who is trying to avoid it, you are likely to get slammed. Not only do you have to gut up the courage to speak, you have to endure an angry response. In essence, you pay twice. Most of us believe, in the bottom of our hearts, that if we speak the truth carefully, in love, without getting our ego involved, from the very heart of Christ, our spouse will respond well. Sometimes they will… but not always.
I’ve witnessed child to parent, spouse to spouse, employee to boss, all being unjustly annihilated for what they said. I’ve personally spent hours working out exactly what to say to someone, in prayer and humility, and then been blown out of the water after the first sentence. Doubly difficult when you are supple to the Lord, because you immediately wonder if it was something in you, an attitude you brought, that set it off. Sometimes it is—that’s what makes this so confusing! You back up and lament the tiny speck in your eye, while the person with the log has successfully kept you at arm’s length. No wonder people hesitate to speak up! [Victims at a trial are often traumatized all over again in accusations from the defense attorney. I don’t blame them for counting the cost before going to court, even in clear cases of violent crime, rape or molestation.]
Anger and counter-attack are so darn popular because they work! No one will attack again for a while. If Dad shuts Mom down for speaking up, he’s gotten himself a free ride—and as a bonus, he taught the kids not to challenge him! He has successfully avoided confrontation yet again.
Remember this: they are angry at you because they’re angry at Christ first. [John 15:18] Instead of being defeated, let every shutdown send you to Jesus: for comfort, to adjust anything in you, to raise your eyes from man to God, to keep you dependent solely on Him, to remind you to pray for your “enemy.”
And let Jesus tell you what action steps to take at the right time. Remember, if God prompts you to say something, your obligation is to Him, not man. Just say it and let it go, and let the Holy Spirit have it.
Filed under: Abiding In Christ
February 6, 2013
Forgiveness — It’s Not What You Think
A school shooting was just being reported, and I was disturbed to see bystanders with signs: “We forgive you.” Really? I wondered. So quickly? Without counting the cost? Without grieving the loss? Without the shooter’s repentance?
This knee-jerk “forgiveness” represents to me a basic unease with the messy struggle of our fallen state. It is an attempt, by those intensely uncomfortable with conflict or confrontation, to smooth things over—instead of facing the depth of evil that Jesus was not afraid to speak up about. [Matthew 12:34]
Unforgiveness is deadly, but so is premature forgiveness. Dr. Robert Karen states: “Many people hold onto a grudge because it offers the illusion of power and a perverse feeling of security. But in fact we are all held hostage by our anger. It is never too late to forgive, but we can forgive too soon. I am especially wary of what I call ‘saintly forgiveness.’ Premature forgiveness is common among people who avoid conflict. They are afraid of their own anger and the anger of others. But their forgiveness is false. Their anger goes underground.” [The Forgiving Self: The Road from Resentment to Connection]
All of us have issues. All of us should be thankful every day for the very idea of forgiveness, and we should be doubly thankful if someone in our life actually loves us and puts up with us. To keep no record of wrongs, we must walk in forgiveness, always ready to forgive, because we all need it. Regularly.
But we have trouble sorting out what forgiveness actually means. We can take forgiveness way too far and use it as a weapon, or we can take it not nearly far enough.
On the one hand, forgiveness is one of the three most powerful change agents of the human heart. Forgiveness is as powerful as turning a key to unlock our own jail cell. Forgiveness can set us free from the very toxins that would become cancer and ulcers and drain the life right out of us. Forgiveness can feel extremely unfair and we can justify to ourselves not forgiving, but the bible is clear that we who have been forgiven so much have no excuse not to forgive others. [Luke 7:36-50]
On the other hand, forgiveness can be used as a weapon, where we are told we must forgive instead of given a choice of our own free will, forgetting that forgiveness is voluntary, between God and the person wronged, that the emotions surrounding forgiveness can take time, and forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.
Forgiveness is unhooking someone from me, and hooking them to God. Forgiveness is saying that person doesn’t owe me a thing—that if they owe anyone, they owe God alone. Forgiveness is starting anew, with a heart as giving as if I’d never been hurt. Forgiving is giving as before. Forgiveness is voluntary, and while God may require me to forgive, others cannot. Remember that after David took Bathsheba to bed and then had her husband Uriah killed, he cried out to God: “It is against you and you alone that I have sinned.” [Psalm 51:4] Essentially, whether I forgive someone is between God and me. Yet God does tell me that if I am asked for forgiveness, I need to extend it. We have all had need of forgiveness, and to grant it is the least we can do, given how much forgiveness has been granted us.
But forgiveness is not reconciliation. Forgiveness is not enabling or saying what someone did is okay. Forgiveness is not fixing the situation to remove others’ discomfort with messy, grievous sin. Forgiveness is not overlooking sin, minimizing sin, or justifying sin. Sometimes forgiveness is extended regardless of the state of the offender, [Luke 23:34] while sometimes forgiveness seems to require repentance. [Luke 17:3-4] The bible says: “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.” It doesn’t say, “Vengeance is bad.” It says, “Vengeance is mine. I will repay.” [Romans 12:19] That is the same thing as unhooking the offender from us and hooking them onto God.
God alone is in a position to require us to forgive. I say this because many, many hurt spouses are being told to forgive regardless of the position of the offender. Jaycee’s husband beat her severely on multiple occasions. He said that as a Christian, she is required to forgive him. Then he would beat her again; in essence, he used her extracted forgiveness as a “clean slate” to offend again. But when he said “forgiveness,” he meant a clean slate.
We are asked to forgive freely, time after time after time, but we are not required to put ourselves in harm’s way. Reconciliation requires both parties. God offers to forgive our sins and reconcile our relationship with Him, but He requires our repentance. Otherwise, the relationship cannot be restored. [Matthew 18:22]
Filed under: Abiding In Christ
February 5, 2013
Guilt — The Gift that Keeps on Giving
This week I blog on guilt, anger, depression, forgiveness, from my upcoming Marriage Renovation book.
People do things wrong, miss the mark, and sin—no doubt about it. In response, the Holy Spirit who dwells in us convicts us from within. He is extremely effective, and He knows what He’s doing. The bible talks about the conviction, not the guilting, of the Holy Spirit.
So if it’s not conviction then what is guilt? (Or really, “false guilt.”)
We have to come to grips with the damage we’ve done, large and small, intentional or not. The more fully we realize our mistakes, the more it breaks our heart, and the more wracked we can become with guilt. But we do not have to stay there. Once you admit where you messed up, you can repent. Grieve the loss. Then you’re home free. You can move forward. As I realized the cost of my mistakes to my marriage, husband, and children—grief roiled inside me for damage done. I apologized and sought forgiveness, even as every new revelation brought hot tears.
Then after about a year, I was done. God showed me my part (painful), but he showed me other contributing factors: wounds from my family of origin, and my husband and children’s part as well. (These don’t provide an excuse, but they gave me compassion for myself.) As you grieve, let God lift your guilt—the very thing He is eager to do. To continue to condemn yourself is to labor under false guilt, and to disbelieve God’s forgiveness.
Blame is the enemy’s great distraction device, designed to skew our focus. If I focus on what I did wrong, or what he did wrong, then I am not focused on Jesus making things right. Blame ends at man’s feet (and what we did wrong) instead of at Jesus’ feet (His power to put things right). Marriage is a natural place to take blame or to shift blame. Either one is a distortion that brings death.
Conviction, on the other hand, brings life. It gives hope that even though I messed up, He stands ready to restore it all!
Filed under: Marriage
