Susan Cottrell's Blog, page 56

Truth and Love Win Out

After 32 years, Exodus International shuts down, and President Alan Chambers apologizes to the LGBTQ community for harm done. Chambers acknowledges that he has “hurt so many by failing to acknowledge the pain some affiliated with Exodus International caused, and by failing to share the whole truth about my own story.” While Chambers retains his views on traditional marriage, he no longer believes it is the only right way.

Read more on the Huffington Post.

All of our prayers and hopes that any new ministry will be one of acceptance and reparation.

Filed under: Christian Gay Community, Love

A Love Letter to the LGBTQ from a Christian Mom

“They kicked me out on my 18th birthday for being gay… I’ve tried to contact them… I don’t know if they still love me.” Jonathan Allen, America’s Got Talent

My husband and I sat stunned as this young man sang Pavarotti on “America’s Got Talent.” Tears filled our eyes as his story settled on us, that his parents kicked him out for being gay. My husband said in a shaky voice, “How could they be so ungrateful for this son they’ve been given?” I just shook my head. We know that Jonathan Allen represents countless LGBTQ whose parents don’t fully accept their children as they are. My heart weeps.

Over the years, I have had to face my own shortcomings with my children—my ingratitude, selfishness, immaturity. Any honest parent will admit to falling short and taking their kids for granted. I have had to seek forgiveness from my children, and I’ve written them love letters to express my heart for them. Every parent makes mistakes, and love is a healing balm.

So I write this love letter to you, the LGBTQ women and men who have been hurt and rejected by those who were supposed to care for you the most. It is a letter long overdue. If your parents can’t express their love to you right now, let me speak instead. Let these words saturate your deepest being. Wherever you are in your life, this love letter is for you.

You are worthy of love. God created you in His image. For this reason alone, you are love-worthy, regardless of your actions or thoughts, both good and bad, or of what you’ve been told to the contrary. Simply by God’s declaration, by your existence as His creation, you are love-worthy. Love is your birthright!

You deserve a place to belong. You need a place where if you don’t show up for dinner, they go find you, because you belong, because they want you there. We have plenty of social media, yet most of us experience a crushing need for community. Don’t be afraid of your need for others, because you were designed to flourish in relationship. You were meant to be part of a greater whole. Instead, seek out community for yourself and move toward those who love you. It’s okay to let people love you.

People’s judgment reveals them, not you. When they say harsh things, or condemn or reject you, that comes from their heart, not yours. If someone offers advice that can help you grow, take it and keep it. Let the rest roll off you and don’t think about it again. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is that feeling of being defective that slumps our shoulders. Shame says, “Something is fundamentally wrong with me.” There is nothing fundamentally wrong with you — you are made in God’s image! If you are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered, you do not have to own shame. You are worthy of love and belonging and being missed by those who love you. People may condemn you, but they reveal themselves, not you. Rest in that place.

Parents’ mistakes do not reflect on you. Speaking as a mother of five, I know first hand that parents sometimes blow it big time. We might be afraid, angry, hurt, unprepared, immature or selfish. Sometimes you stir up an old wound, and we take it out on you. I’m so sorry. Parents react or reject for their own reasons, and none of that is your responsibility. Disappointment with ourselves clouds our judgment of our children. We can be ignorant and stubborn. I wish it were not true! To hear condemnation from those closest to you really hurts. We want their support, and it’s hard not to internalize what they say. I have said things that came straight out of my parent’s mouth, and I am horrified. Your parents’ harsh words are not about you. The more you can recognize that their judgment is not about you, the freer you will be. Others will hurt you too, and that doesn’t reflect on you either. You may have heard terrible things from friends, Christians or pastors. Their words reflect their own fear and beliefs. Letting go of the hurt is like the freedom of relaxing a clenched fist; do it for you, not for them.

God loves you fully, exactly as you are. You may boldly approach Him in His grace through Jesus Christ. You get to call Him Daddy. I realize the idea of “father” may be a landmine for you, but God is not like a human dad. God loves you without conditions. God is not disappointed in you. He approves of you. Any judgment or condemnation you have heard attributed to Him are not from Him. He is the very existence of love, and His love is for you.

It really will get better! Rock bottom is a cold and lonely place. I’ve been at rock bottom many times—I keep a toothbrush there. But I have always recovered, and I’m always glad for what I learned while I was there. Even though it’s hard to believe when you’re on the bottom looking up, it will get better. Learn to recognize the hands that reach down to help you.

Even if your family has rejected you, allow people around you to become your family. When Jonathan Allen walked onto the America’s Got Talent stage, he was nervous and afraid—rejection takes such a toll. But Howie Mandel said, “This show has become your family. Welcome home.” Other LGBTQ individuals and allies will love you as family—reach out and find them. Let people love you. Welcome home!

Click here to read “Why Hoping For Change Can Hurt.”

Filed under: Christian Gay Community, Love, Parenting

Why Hoping for Change Can Hurt

“People have been badly wounded by the false hope that if they would just pray, study, and counsel, then change can occur. But it doesn’t.”

True Story is the theme of next week’s Exodus conference in CA. I’m holding out hope that this will mean less theory and more lived experience, the only thing for healing damage caused by false hope to the LGBTQ community.

If “ex-gay therapy” were pain relief medicine, it would be off the shelves with the company defending against a class-action suit. Well-meaning people  sometimes suggest “ex-gay” ministries because homosexuality makes them uncomfortable, and this lets them feel as though they’ve contributed a “positive solution.” But we must recognize that it doesn’t work. Exodus President Alan Chambers has admitted, “99.9% of people that come to Exodus do not experience change in their sexual orientation.” Same-sex attraction never leaves, he said. The original founders of Exodus are perfect examples of this. If he hasn’t seen it work, why is it even still on the table?

But like a defective pain med, it not only fails to help, it is deadly. People have been badly wounded by the false hope that if they would just pray, study, and counsel, then change can occur. But the damage that comes from that – through self-hatred and shame, through broken marriage vows made “in faith,” to kids of those marriages – is incalculable. To require such change is not loving because it leaves the LGBTQ person holding the bag, expected to change, even believing in faith that they have changed even if they don’t feel it, because they know the shame is coming if they don’t change.

Just this morning a woman emailed me about her daughter who came out to her. Their pastor said to pray because God can do anything. I have a suggestion. Ask God to change people so they are okay with LGBTQ, and to stop pushing for change. In fact, I have not seen much evidence that He is changing gay people into straight people. But I’ve seen Him change those who are not okay with it into those who become accepting allies of their LGBTQ loved ones. As a person who loves God and loves others, I think that makes a lot more sense. Perhaps, if people would just pray, study and counsel, maybe God will change them into being happy with their gay loved ones.

What should we hope for our gay loved ones? We hope for them to have a wonderful and satisfying life full of love and to know how much God loves them.

CLICK HERE to read “To Christian Parents of Gay Children.”

Filed under: Christian Gay Community, Love

To Christian Parents of Gay Children

You want to shove those words back in and put the lid on. But you can’t. Your child is gay. This goes against everything you’ve been taught. It was not what you had in mind, and you instantly wonder where you went wrong.

When you become a parent, you know to expect the unexpected. But for most Christian parents, nothing can prepare them to hear that their beloved child is gay. This is the child you have cradled, spoon fed mashed bananas, and dreamed a beautiful future for. How could this be? What will the church say? What will your friends say? What does the future hold? You can’t even get your head around this.

If you are a Christian parent, family member or friend to whom your loved one has come out as gay or lesbian, then this is for you. I invite you to sit down, relax, maybe get a cup of tea, and soak in what I’m about to tell you. My hope is to guide you as we walk for a bit through this maze of confusion, to help you find your way to wholeness.

In most Christian circles, this is not good news, and you may begin to spiral into reflection and self-searching. We’ll get to that. But at the bottom of it all, this is not about you. Most parents’ first mistake is to make it about them instead of about their son or daughter. So let’s talk about some of the major stumbling blocks for Christian parents.

1. This is not an offense against you. This is not something your child did to you. They did not “choose gayness” to rebel against you, get back at you or make your life miserable. In fact, it really has nothing do with you. You did not cause this; it’s not a failure on your part. As a younger Christian, taught that homosexuality is a sin, I believed that trauma somewhere in someone’s past caused homosexuality, even if they didn’t remember it. To my surprise, God completely shifted my understanding and revealed to me the many people who had a great childhood and are still gay. He also reminded me of the many straight people who had traumatic childhoods, yet remained straight. Your expectations may lay shattered at your feet. But those are your expectations for your child. Quite simply, they may not God’s expectations. Ask God to replace your vision for your child with His.

2. This orientation is not news to your child. They likely did not tell you the first time they noticed their same-sex attraction. In fact, they have probably lived with this quite a long time. They had to discover how true it was. They had to watch other young teens grow into puberty, and realize they weren’t developing the same feelings. Perhaps they dated the opposite gender to see if passion might develop, and yet none did. By the time they come out to you, they are pretty sure of what they’re saying. You may have to work through a slate of brand new emotions about this, and your emotions will affect them, but theirs are not brand new. Do not ask them if they are sure, if maybe they want to take a little time and see what happens. Instead, consider the journey they have been through. Ask them things like, “When did you know?” “How long have you felt this way?” and tell them how you are grateful that they are including you, that they don’t have to go through this alone anymore.

3. Now is a key time to embrace your child. Imagine for a moment the courage it took to tell you about their sexuality, especially when they know it seems to contradict your core beliefs. In this moment, your child needs to know he did the right thing by telling you. You may flood with fear, doubt, anger, grief, disappointment, shame, anguish or guilt, but do not let those hinder you from expressing your unconditional love and admiration for your child. Your child will have their own list of emotions to deal with; don’t hand them yours. Give yourself time to process all of your own emotions. Be kind to yourself and your child through this.

4. They were terrified to tell you. The risk they took is very real. Some gay teens have been shamed, banished, threatened, beaten, and shunned. They know that once it is said, it cannot be unsaid. They took this chance either because they trusted you and hoped for the best, or because they could not stand to live inauthentically any longer. You have a strong child. Be proud. You have the opportunity to make the most of their trust and come through for them with the unconditional love of a parent. That’s your job as a parent and a Christian — to love unconditionally.

5. Praying, wishing and believing will not make your child straight. If doing these things meant that homosexuality would not visit a Christian home, then we wouldn’t see it cropping up so often. I have heard countless stories of people who prayed without ceasing, but nothing changed. Picture with me the false faith-healers who pray to heal audience members’ maladies; when there is no result, those charlatans tell the poor kid in the wheelchair, “Maybe next time you’ll have enough faith to be healed.” Where does that place the blame? If anyone has ever been healed in that setting, it is God’s choice, not the one in the wheelchair. Has anyone prayed themselves straight? I don’t know. Meanwhile, countless stories of those who prayed, did everything right, followed every suggestion, and poured themselves wholeheartedly into being straight–only to experience disappointment and self-loathing. Your child does not deserve this.

6. For teens, there are still many changes to come. Don’t panic! Let them discover themselves. What did you know at 18 that you feel the same about today? Come to think of it, sexual orientation is probably one of the few things you were sure about. Do not require a certain life path for your son or daughter at this time when the world is their oyster. Haven’t we yet learned how crippling it is to have to please someone else? Do not tell them that it is a phase that will wear off. Acknowledge how far they have come, that they have an exciting future, and that you will be with them every step of the way. If they discover that their orientation may not be what they thought, then they alone will discover that. Telling them you are praying that they change, or that they will likely “straighten out” as they get older, will only distance them from you. Worst of all, do not send them to “reorientation” camp. This traumatizes countless teens, cementing deep shame and self-hatred.

7. Adult children are out of your hands. Even more than teens, adult children are beyond your parental authority. You have done your best as a parent, however flawed you were. (We all were!) You must trust God with this child you have raised. Embrace them and love them as a fellow believer–Jesus asks that of you. Do not shun them or take other action, which will only alienate you from their lives. Instead, look forward to the many major life events ahead, and be there for them as you wanted your parents to be there for you.

8. Put other peoples’ responses aside. The opinion of your pastor, your Bible group, or your extended family are not as important as your son or daughter’s well-being. Put others’ opinions aside and focus on how God would lead you specifically. If you can’t say in your heart that your child is more important than others’ opinions, then seek the Lord about this and ask Him to restore your priorities.

9. Bear your son’s or daughter’s burdens. Let the weight of unanswered questions and discomfort rest on you. You are not the one being pressured to change your identity. Your child has the whole rest of the world to navigate; you are uniquely equipped to help bear their burden and so fulfill the law of Christ, as Galatians 6:2 tells us. Your relationship with your child calls for that much. Don’t press for answers or easy solutions. As with other big events in life, get comfortable with not knowing, and patiently let God reveal answers in His timing.

10. Finally, remember that we are not responsible to change people’s behavior. Not our job, even with our children, especially as they get older. If you think you’re going to make your pianist into a football player, give it up now. Jesus is not about behavior modification; He is about life, His life flowing through us. That is what grace (kharis) means — to let Jesus’ love flow through us instead of feeling obligated to fix everything. Your job is to love people, especially your child. Let God use this situation to show you what it means to love unconditionally. While we love others, God is at work in ways we can’t see.

This road is likely not one you would have chosen, nor initially welcomed. But if you seek Him, God will show you the beauty of the journey. Perhaps God has chosen you for such a time as this, to shine His love amidst all the anger and hate (even if your beliefs about it never change). Perhaps He will work through you to restore His name that has been so maligned to a group of people who need Him — as we all do. God is good at giving us quandaries we didn’t expect, to rock our little tiny worldviews. He shakes everything that can be shaken until all that’s left is what is unshakeable. Cling to Him in this time, and He will bring about something wonderful — for you and your family.

Please feel free to comment below on your experience of your child coming out, or email me directly through the contact page. God bless you on this journey.

Click here to read “A Mom, Some Gays, and the Bible.”

Filed under: Christian Gay Community, Love, Parenting

Everybody’s Confused

“Picture a little girl whose daddy swings her on his shoulder and carries her effortlessly. But the older she gets… and the older he gets… the heavier the burden.”

This week I am featuring excerpts from my new book The Marriage Renovation…

Here’s where a woman gets confused. She came into this marriage to live happily ever after. He’s the knight. And she gave up quite a bit when she came in. Perhaps she had an education behind her, maybe a job she liked or even a promising career. Whatever was going on, she set it aside and turned her attention to this marriage and family. Deep inside, she wants the tradeoff to be worth it.

She is told to respect her husband, but respect and idolatry can look pretty similar, and we as a church body do not clearly distinguish between the two. Add to that the skewed teaching about submission, and she is set up to idolize him.

Simply put, respect is about him, idolatry is about her. In other words, a wife respects her husband for his benefit—trusting God to grow and mature him as he does with all of us. But she idolizes him for her benefit—because she wants the security of a knight in shining armor, not knowing to her core that only God provides true security. Now he must satisfy himself, his wife, their children, his boss—and it’s an impossible load he was never meant to carry.

Women don’t say this outright—they are not conscious of it. But they express their disappointment night and day. “Honey, you didn’t do this right.” “You left your clothes in the gym bag again.” “Oh, that’s not the way you diaper a baby!” Men get the message that they no longer measure up. Worst of all, they think it’s their fault. In truth, a man is simply not the Savior both of them wanted him to be.

So he withdraws or controls—either way, he becomes a distortion—and she withdraws or rebels—either way, she becomes a distortion. Neither of them is who God designed them to be.

The more I sought Rob for meaning (instead of Jesus), the more his shoulders strained; the more he turned on me for expecting so much; the more inadequate we both felt.

Picture a little girl whose daddy swings her on his shoulder and carries her effortlessly. But the older she gets… and the older he gets… the heavier the burden.

When we marry, our husband thinks nothing of carrying the weight of the family, but the more time goes by, the more he struggles under weight he was never meant to carry.

Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Love, Marriage

Mystery of the Maze Revealed

An excerpt from The Marriage Renovation…

Jesus made life radically simple. “Love God—don’t fight Me as I heal and grow and change you. Love others—don’t control or micro-manage as I bring their growth.” In the end, everything comes down to our relationship with Him. As we continue to follow Him, supported by the body, we will find our way.

Next to our house in Ohio was a small, lovely park with wooded walking paths. I loved to get “lost” in those intertwining paths, varying the route to keep my daily walks interesting. Then fall came. Suddenly, through the bare trees, I saw it all at once: the mystery of the maze was suddenly revealed as a handful of simple paths.

Marriage can be as convoluted as those intertwining paths. Sometimes we really are lost and don’t know what’s needed, and sometimes we complicate the paths to keep life interesting. We say: “They are not meeting my needs; I will love them when they deserve to be loved; they’re too selfish to give me what I want!” We’d much rather identify their problem than to realize that we are being controlling, unteachable or selfish.

But a Marriage Renovation—if we trust God through it—brings us peace we hadn’t yet accessed. It’s fruit directly from the Holy Spirit.

Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Love, Marriage

Failure Is Good News

“That spouse drives us stark raving mad; how did we ever love them? It’s like living in a house with mold in the walls, and we don’t know why we are sick.”

In celebration of the upcoming release of The Marriage Renovation, and in appreciation of you who waited patiently for me to finish, this week I feature excerpts from the book.

IN CHRIST ALONE

We all need someone bigger and stronger to help us, a savior to take charge of this life. It’s written into our DNA.

God created marriage to reflect the beauty of our relationship with Him. When our eyes are on Jesus, it does. We trust Him, relax in Him and love Him with abandon—and then experience that same sweet intimacy with the spouse we can hold through the night. Marriage as it reflects our relationship with God provides our safe place for Him to grow us and sanctify us and conform us to the image of Christ. That requires constant focus on Jesus. God uses marriage to grow our dependence on Him, to teach us how to love sacrificially, to give us a place from which we can’t easily escape, so we must listen to Him.

In practice, however, our eyes keep falling from Jesus onto our marriage. Naturally, we focus on this wonderful gift from God, and all the perks. But marriage inevitably disappoints because it cannot provide all that God Himself wants to provide… and then there’s all that refining to be done! At its worst, marriage spirals into a living hell—annoying, oppressive and interminable. That spouse drives us stark raving mad; how did we ever love them? It’s like living in a house with mold in the walls, and we don’t know why we are sick. We consider divorce, but where would we go, what about the kids, would people reject us? If we could kill our spouse and get away with it, we just might. (If you think I overstate the case, watch the evening news.)

You may still be trying to be each other’s savior, or you may be wondering what you’re doing married to this person. But at some point, you will feel like a failure in marriage. That failure is by design, because God does not want you to be your own or your spouse’s Savior.

That failure is better news than you can imagine!

Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Love, Marriage

Exclusive Preview!

“I hate you!” Jason screamed at Elise. “I hate you and what you’ve done to our family!  I can’t stand to live here anymore.”

What now??

Enjoy this EXCLUSIVE PREVIEW of the first chapter of my new book – The Marriage Renovation…

Chapter 1. The Perfect Mirage

 “I hate you!” Jason screamed at Elise. “I hate you and what you’ve done to our family! I can’t stand to live here anymore.”

Elise reeled back, stunned. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing from her husband after all these years. How had it come to this? He blamed her for falling short with the kids and the house. She blamed him for always working. How could they ever recover? After years as best friends, lovers and confidants, both feared it was over. How would they get to the bottom of all that had piled up between them?

 She remembered those early years—like a long lost fairytale…

 “Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.” Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

The modern wedding extravaganza—with flowers, attendants, gifts, cake, reception, and every possible extra shoved into it—has practically taken on a life of its own. Glance at a bridal magazine or search “wedding planners” and see what pops up. Even those who choose the simplest vow exchange do so against the backdrop of the cultural epic wedding.

Our great wedding expectations only point to our great marriage expectations. Romeo and Juliet stir a deep longing for romantic bliss; they echo a memory of Adam and Eve as they walked in fellowship with God. All this and more reflect the beauty God had in mind when He gave us marriage.

On the other hand, marriages implode daily, and couples find themselves distanced or even divorced—most never even knowing why. We’ve witnessed the disasters, and we may begin to wonder if marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

But add in the Christian teaching on biblical marriage, and we are positively schizophrenic. Surely, if we can just follow the guidelines well enough, it will go the distance—even though we’ve seen tragic results in great Christian couples. We just need to work a little harder.

This creates a kind of love-hate relationship with marriage. We tell our hearts, “Of course marriage won’t meet all my needs,” but that heart has been steeped in the dream of happily ever after. So we silently bargain with God: I will do everything as well as I possibly can, and You will protect my marriage… please?

Rob and I had started with The Perfect Marriage. A match made in heaven. We were kind, tender-hearted and crazy about each other. Over the years, we faced severe challenges—financial crisis, extended family discord and a child-molesting babysitter—all challenges from without. God brought us through it all spectacularly, side by side, as partners.

Then, after twenty-some years and five kids, we fell. Hard. Anger and resentment overwhelmed us. Despite the fact that we’d grown in Christ for decades, gone to conferences, read books and taught others, we were disturbingly unequipped to solve our issues.

We knew every biblical teaching on marriage, yet we were free-falling down a cliff.

I thought that if our marriage collapsed, our children… and we… would be destroyed. I told my grown daughter of our struggles and she burst into tears. “If your marriage can’t make it, there’s no hope. If you and Dad can crash and burn, anyone can.” She was right. I knew that if those many years of loving intimacy could end in a heap, my kids would lose faith in marriage altogether. So would we.

Our Years from Hell, as I now call them, were a frightening jungle of anger, pain and resentment. God dismantled us down to our component pieces and then rebuilt us, in a complete marriage renovation. This book is the result of that painful breakdown and reassembly.

God plans to go deeper into your issues than you ever thought necessary. He’ll shake core beliefs about Him and about you. You’ll have to decide whether to claw to keep what you have, or open your hand and let Him rearrange and rebuild.

As much as the perfect person is a pretense, so the model marriage is a mirage: it just doesn’t exist. The less shocked we are that He actually has some serious changes planned for us, the more we can surrender all the pieces to Him… rather than watching Him pry them out of our cold, dead hands.

THE HOUSE GOD GAVE YOU

Here’s the picture. God has moved you into a beautiful home in the historic district of your city. Each house there is unique. The mortgage is fully paid—you don’t owe a dime. There’s one catch: you must allow Him to come in and renovate whenever He wants. It’s part of the deal.

Not only that but He’s going to rifle through those bags you brought—the ones with the stickers on them that say, “Great Expectations.” What’s in the bags? The dress clothes you saw in that epic movie you loved. Shoes from the seminar your church did on marriage. Jewelry like the interactions you’ve observed in others. And pajamas you brought from your family of origin. And I’ll tell you right now, you overpacked.

God wants to sort through your baggage and toss some things—throw out the disrespect you learned from your mother, dismantle that cynicism from dear old dad, and redesign your approach to conflict. Believe me, the longer you go on, the more disheartening those nasty little habits become. But God has a custom home in mind, and He alone knows the blueprint.

He wants to transform us into something beautiful.

The problem is, we’ve been lied to about marriage. We believe that it is about doing everything very, very well. And if we do very well, He will give us a good marriage. (We believe this in our Christian life—do things well so nothing bad will happen to you.)

But I’ll tell you a secret.

God hardwired marriage to short-circuit when we aren’t plugged into Him. Even the brightest, most promising couples, who start out strong and happy, experience power failure because their eyes are on doing well instead of on the journey God has planned. God does this out of the goodness of His heart, because He wants us to know His power.

“If you put first things first, you get first things and second things thrown in. If you put second things first, you lose both first and second things.” C.S. Lewis

As I was finishing this book, I described it to a young engaged couple, friends of the family. I explained that God took us through our own marriage renovation as I was writing it. The young man asked me to tell him about it, what led to the breakdown, and what God did. I knew exactly why he asked! “You’re asking so you can prevent your own renovation after twenty-five years, aren’t you?” I asked him. He smiled and nodded. Of course he wanted to avoid it. So did I! But here’s the deal.

We cannot prevent a Marriage Renovation because we cannot predict the direction in which God will grow us—we must simply follow Him wherever He leads. Good counseling helps. A good friend, pastor, sabbatical, insight can all help. But in the end, God does things all in good time, in good order, in His plan.

We need a Renovation because of that darned baggage. We need it because we live in a world of hurts that requires a Savior to help through.

In her devotional Jesus Calling, Sarah Young wrote: “Do not be ashamed of your emptiness. Instead, view it as the optimal condition for being filled with My peace… Talk with Me about your struggles and feelings of inadequacy. Little by little, I will transform your weaknesses into strengths.”

As I read it, I realized God had been doing this all along. The areas I considered strengths, He exposed as devastating weaknesses. As I laid them out before Him, He transformed them, over time, into His strengths in me.

The waterway near our home is lined with trees wrapped in little white lights. At night, the water twinkles with reflected light. Once a year, a maintenance crew takes those lights off each of the five hundred trees and rewraps them. What a lot of work. But if this doesn’t happen, the tree will grow around the lights. My immediate thought: is it worth the trouble? What if they didn’t do it? Could they go eighteen months instead of twelve?

Then I realized the parallel in marriage. God will rewrap our understanding as we grow, so that the beliefs we had as new Christians do not begin to cut into us. The clearcut ideas we had starting out, when marriage was a theory, turn out to be multifaceted.

How much should we depend on each other without being over-dependent? How does a man exercise authority and also die daily for his wife? How does a woman use her unique gifting in a way that fits with her husband’s life? These are only a few of the many questions that may look clearcut until you actually have to live real life through them.

 FOLLOWING CHRIST

 If you have followed Christ longer than a month, you have noticed it is not about smooth sailing. It is about being conformed to Christ’s image, which comes through hardship. You may have tried everything you know, but in the end, only true dependence on Christ—not “Churchianity”—will lead to peace.

*CHURCHIANITY: putting our lives together for curb appeal, based on performance and obedience. Includes “acting like a Christian” or “doing Christianity.” Also known as: a “Twinkie Christian”—sparkly and cute but full of white fluff that will kill you.

Many Christians (and church teaching) are devoted to this pursuit, and these good efforts are like filthy rags. [Isaiah 64:6] We have it all backwards: we focus on doing, when God wants us undone. We put it together when He wants us to hand Him the pieces and let Him build something extraordinary. The only thing that counts is dependence on Him. Our very lives are about being conformed to the image of Christ, [Romans 8:29] as God breaks up the old (those things we’ve come to depend on) [Ezekiel 14:5-6] and reveals something new. [Isaiah 43:19]

If you’ve been married any time at all, you’ve noticed that marriage is also not about making each other happy. Marriage is about being conformed to Christ’s image—and marriage brings out our very wounds and selfishness that will do it! Only life in Christ (first things) will produce the life and the marriage (second things) you’ve always wanted. Marriage is a safe place to heal, but also is the pressure cooker that reveals our need to be healed!

So how does this dream house become condemned property and more important, how do we get it back?

That will take the rest of the book to answer. But you’re in the right place, and I believe that by the end of our journey together, we will have the foundations to restore joy and intimacy. You may be new in your marriage and you’ve never have had a major disagreement. Or you may be considering divorce. Or perhaps you are somewhere in between—it’s not terrible but it’s not great—even if you’re disgruntled that marriage is not all it was cracked up to be.

Wherever you stand, I reach across the pages to say, so much more is available to you. I’m with you, I’ve crawled through the trenches on my hands and knees. God has broken me in places I didn’t know I had places, and He’s healed me as I never thought possible. Let’s take this journey together.

——

The Marriage Renovation is now available for pre-order at a special discounted price.

Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Love, Marriage

My Marriage Was In Serious Trouble

I had been married 22 years.  We’d raised five beautiful children.  I had just written my book on parenting. Then I began writing The Marriage Renovation. Hahaha! Like the old warning about praying for patience, I had no idea what would soon follow.  Over the next four years our marriage collapsed, nearly ending, and God took me through my own personal Marriage Renovation.

Our Years from Hell, as I now call them, were a frightening jungle of anger, pain and resentment. God dismantled us down to our component pieces and then rebuilt us, in a complete marriage renovation. This book is the result of that painful breakdown and reassembly.

God plans to go deeper into your issues than you ever thought necessary. He’ll shake core beliefs about Him and about you. You’ll have to decide whether to claw to keep what you have, or open your hand and let Him rearrange and rebuild.

You may be newly married or years down the road.  Your marriage may be great, shaky, or in turmoil.  The Marriage Renovation brings God’s wisdom to strengthen, help heal, or completely restore your marriage.

Finally, after three-and-a-half years, the book is going to print!

For a limited time, you can PRE-ORDER the book for a special discount price!  It will ship in late June.

“As I read The Marriage Renovation, tears were in my eyes and I jumped up and shouted ‘Hallelujah!!’  What a wonderful book! God has used Susan’s renovating experiences to drive home so much truth. I am so glad that she humbly researched her own heart and God’s heart and shared this mind-freeing truth. Wow! I’m so excited about the simplicity and directness of this book and I will use it in my counseling.” – Patrice Overby, Biblical Counselor

To pre-order The Marriage Renovation for a special discount price, just click below, or click on the PRE-ORDER on the menu above.

Filed under: Marriage

Kelsey’s Story – Busy Surviving

My friend’s daughter Kelsey posted on Facebook the following discourse on the LGBTQ issue. It represents years thought and struggle around this issue. I repost with her permission for any Christian dealing with this issue with family, church, or self.

Discourse, by Kelsey

People must ignore certain things in order to survive.  This is true especially for those who believe in Christianity.  Depending on their level of commitment, they will frequently be made aware of their shortcomings.  Americans who do not believe exist in an environment ripe with moral quantifications (=a country with strongly religious (=Protestant) roots), and they will either agree to some degree and know they fall short, or they will disagree and be made to believe they are different (=outside of the mainstream).  Yet every day, when people wake up and go to work, they are forced to forget these matters, at least partially, and go on about their day, to whatever extent accepting who they are.  Christians with an inordinate amount of pride are forced to take their focus off of their flaw in order to focus on their day: choosing an outfit for the day, processing paperwork, conversing with people, the billions of minute decisions that we each make every day, and the most prominent distraction, SLEEP.  When we go to bed at night, we must accept that the sun has risen and fallen on our imperfections (flaws, weaknesses, sins…..whatever the terminology) and that it was out of our control to perfect them during the time the sun was up and we were awake.

I have spent many nights without sleep. I have spent many days too distracted by these issues to get out of bed and fulfill my myriad responsibilities, often opting to take the day off than finish my work and go to class.  I have spent most of that time trying to fix things, trying to think through what was wrong in my life (and in me) and what I could do to make it right.  And these were not peaceful hours, spent in thoughtful contemplation and the feeling of progress deep in my soul.  They were often too chaotic to process coherently, or rather void of any clear feeling.  Numb and anxious, rest did not come easily, and meeting my responsibilities could only come at the price of forgetting what I had spent years fighting to hold on to.

Only after years of sweating it off was I able to get a decent job, do decent work for that job, maintain a steady relationship, and maintain the acceptable level of hygiene and bodily care.  Do I miss the days of lazy wandering and the nights of insanity – spent either agonizing over existence or totally wasted in some stranger’s apartment?  No, I don’t.  It was not the Ke$ha song most people believe it to be.  I was never cool enough to make my antics look like a dope gangsta film, and my flaws followed me everywhere.  I was free and flew fast, like anything anytime.  But where was I flying?  Nothing led anywhere, in fact nothing was connected at all, and the situation was comparable in my mind and in my heart.  I ended up the way I started…completely numb and confused.

I have since given up on trying to solve my problems.  The past, the present and the future are still there to demand my attention.  I will continue looking, but no longer with the expectation of finding.  The point is to look and to be responsible to what I see; that’s all one can do.

With all that said, I must make my point.

When we get to talking about homosexuality – whether it’s right or wrong, whether we should talk to our gay friends about it or not, and whether or not our Christian brothers and sisters who cannot reconcile their orientation with their faith can change or should change – a few questions should be asked:

1) You ignore flawed traits in yourself every day in order to survive.  If you ask a gay person to change (whether or not that task is possible), you might be asking him to make his flawed trait an obsession for the rest of his life.  Are you willing to do this yourself?

2) Perhaps you know what that task will entail, perhaps you don’t.  Which means: you should think a little bit about the consequences of this idea (that his orientation is wrong) before you incept it in his consciousness.  Do you know what he will have to do?

3) If you ask him to be slave to this idea, you should know that he will either spend his every waking hour alone, or in agony with himself in a heterosexual marriage, and that it could affect all of his other relationships.  What would you do with a life lived this way?

If one or more answer to these questions is no, or if you are not sure and are not willing to find the answer, please refrain from speaking about this topic with authority…..or, better yet, refrain altogether.  There are more important things for you to spend your time doing.

I, for one, am busy surviving.

Filed under: Christian Gay Community