Susan Cottrell's Blog, page 61

Depression — The Other Face of Anger

This is the last in the series on guilt, anger, depression, forgiveness, from my upcoming Marriage Renovation book.

“Depression is nothing more than an ger without the excitement.” Mike Wells

Depression is anger turned inward… it is anger that has no means of expression… it comes when there is no hope. The tragedy of suicide (whatever variables may be involved) has one underlying current: that person has lost hope. To lose hope is to see no way out of the current situation.

Life can be so difficult it is hard to reconcile. Circumstances that overwhelm us for a long time, or a trauma left ungrieved, can make us wonder, “What’s the point?”

Imagine a group of friends playing Monopoly. Tom consistently gets a bad roll, and can’t accumulate property as others are—it stops being fun. He will continue half-heartedly, or he will want to quit. Magnify the despair one thousand times for a picture of depression. The joy you used to find in particular activities is now gone. You think about quitting. It’s just too hard. Playing is one thing; playing when the deck seems stacked against you is something else. (Or an insurmountable tragedy occurs, like losing a child.) You don’t even have the energy to get angry anymore—now it’s just hard to keep going.

You may feel lifeless or empty. You just don’t care. You may feel unrelenting helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness. Men especially may feel angry, aggressive or restless. Nothing seems to make a difference.

If you feel that you are suffering depression, please seek help, as prolonged depression can cause seriously impact all areas of your life. With proper help, you can discover that whatever situation you are in, whatever problems overwhelm you, there is life on the other side.

Filed under: Abiding In Christ

Wide-Eyed Wonder

I walked into the office this morning and there she was–the cutest little thing staring up at me with those big eyes! She waved and said, “Bye!” as she tottered out behind her daddy. Oh my gosh! What complete openness in her face, in her heart!

Where does that delight go? After raising five kids–and having been a kid myself–I thought about that wide-eyed wonder we are born with. We hit the world running, full of life, ready to express our joy!

And then we get told. Everything that’s wrong with us. Don’t do that, don’t touch, don’t talk like that. Make the bed this way. Say the word that way. And then we get schooled. Your answer is wrong. You hit the wrong note. This essay gets a C. Seems correction is the mainstay of childhood.

Oh sure, I realize we must learn. We have to mature and understand what the limits are, and find out what works and what doesn’t. But must correction be the goal of those around us… or could they trust us in the process a little more?

My friend loved to play the piano, but her mother pounced on every note she missed as though she would get a prize for it. She also hated the dissonant sound of the black keys and told her not to play them. My friend stopped playing for some twenty years… and then only the black keys!

I wonder. I wonder if it could be more like the process of Michelangelo carving the marble statue of David. By Michelangelo’s description, he really did not create David; he simply carved away what wasn’t David, until David emerged. I wonder if we had that mindset with our children, our spouse, or even ourselves–what would emerge?

I always wrote stories, kept notes, wrote in a diary. One time our friend and neighbor, a young principal at the local school, complimented my story, going on about my great choice of words; she loved how I described the girl’s “raven hair.” I can’t tell you what that did for! It made me believe I had something to say and a unique way of saying it. That important milestone marked my journey. Who could know what was in my heart for my future, and who could know where God would lead me? And how easily we are diverted from the path meant for us.

Please comment about what experience you have had with being allowed to emerge, or being driven a direction that did not really fit you. I’m interested to know what this looks like in other’s lives.

Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Parenting

Just Report for Duty

One sweet reader commented on yesterday’s blog about knowing God’s will for her. My mind got rolling about the whole question of how to discern God’s will. Am I in it or out of it? His best will, perfect will, permitted will? Seem to be so many layers to it, and Christians can get pretty balled up into what it’s all about.

Then this verse came to mind. “…present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” Romans 12:1. The idea is that of a Roman soldier. He reports for duty every morning. Once he reports, he has made his decisions for the day. The commanding officer tells him when to eat, what to eat, what work to do, when to go to the bathroom, and when to go to bed. It’s very simple! That may sound awful, that your choice is gone. But consider this: your commanding officer is Jesus; through whom we can do all things as He strengthens us; in whom we live and move and have our being; who loves us like nobody else ever could. He gives us life.

Put that way, I’m willing to follow Him anywhere! Put that way, I see that He protects me from unseen and unknown enemies. He cares for me in every possible way. He knows my ins and outs, my comings and goings, and He directs me specifically. He longs to protect me like a mother comforts her baby and a hen protects her baby chicks. He has great plans for me, to give me a future and a hope. If I wrap myself around Him, I will soar like an eagle, flying where I could never fly by myself. All I have to do is abide in Him (rest, dwell, be). Who could argue with a commanding officer like that?

As for God’s will, I already know God’s will. It is to report for duty — and then follow him for joyride of my life!

Romans 12:1; Philippians 4:13; Acts 17:28; Isaiah 66:13; Jeremiah 29:11; Isaiah 40:31; John 15:4.

Filed under: Abiding In Christ

What’s on Your Heart?

Share Fair took place this past weekend, an opportunity for a variety of ministries to gather and meet, share information, and hear some great speakers. I had no idea what I might get from it, but I took a chance, reserved a book table and went. The results were far more than I anticipated. I met many interesting women, learned something about their ministries, and shared about mine. So many hearts driven so many directions in ministry!

One fascinating speaker took a crazy risk to give up her secure job and go into a ministry that required her to raise her own support — not her idea of fun! But God did great things, and she can’t imagine not having taken the plunge.

All the while she was speaking, God was talking to me about FreedHearts, asking me to take some crazy risks. I wept openly, listening to His voice and specific direction. The women sitting near me nodded kindly, understanding what it is to hear God speak, and when you least expect it. What was stopping me, I asked myself, echoing the speaker’s question in my mind. It was overwhelming fear of what others might think if I fully went the direction God was leading. Of all the things to stop me, that was not the one I expected to discover.

How honored we are God has a place for each of us, a job to do that no one else can do. And although our fears are real and scary to us, seems crazy that they could hold any weight next to God’s personal invitation. Crystallized in that moment was the truth of Helen Keller’s famous quote: Life is a daring adventure or nothing.

So I ask you: where do you see God leading you? What specific call has He placed on your heart, what job has He given you specifically to do? I would love to hear back from you and what you believe your unique gifting is, your unique calling. And if you’d like, include what you think is stopping you. Let’s get a discussion going.

Please comment below: What’s on Your Heart?

Filed under: Abiding In Christ

Free eBook! One week only.

Special gift for my blog followers! This week only, I am giving away the ebook version of How Not to Lose Your Teen: Raising Kids Who Love God and You. To receive the complete ebook free, just email me at freedhearts@gmail.com and tell me you’d like a copy. It’s that easy.

Hurry, don’t miss this opportunity — email me today!

Filed under: Parenting

How Not to Lose Your Teen

Here’s the first chapter of my parenting book. Watch for a special blog tomorrow with a FREE gift!

Enjoy this first chapter…

SECURITY THEATER

I rush through the airport hoping I don’t miss my plane. The line at security is longer than I expected. Sigh. Finally I place my shoes, watch and phone in the gray tub. Dangit. I forgot I wasn’t checking my bag, and the agent has taken my little bottle of hair glaze. Now I’ll have to buy another when I get home.

And I wonder through it all how effective this is against terrorist attacks.

Now, let’s get this straight. The last thing I want is another 9/11, and I will happily comply with whatever means will prevent that. Done.

But I can’t help asking the question: are these the means that will counter terror? Are these random searches, shoe scans and limited liquids the best we’ve got? It turns out they are not.

It turns out much of this is simply theater. Security Theater. These measures are in place to make us feel secure. As we scan our shoes, we feel confident that if anyone tries to pull that shoebomb stunt again, he will be caught. But real security comes from intelligence. Inside information that none of us see. Background information and observation. The classic image is a casino. A casino has no sign of security, but just try to pull a fast one and security enforcement will come out of nowhere.

A casino doesn’t need to feel secure, but it needs to be secure. Air travel needs to be secure and feel secure (or people won’t travel).

Security theater, then, is designed to help us feel safe to travel. Real security is designed to prevent terrorist attacks. Both are necessary for people to choose to fly, but they are different. This book is a journey of separating real security from security theater.

PARENTING THEATER

As we raise our children into adulthood, we wonder how we’ll keep them from the terrors of a world gone mad. What security checks will prevent those dangers we dread? How do we get perspective on danger without overreacting (living in fear) or underreacting (being oblivious)? We want to secure our children without entrapping them. (Come to think of it, we’d like to feel secure without feeling entrapped.)

As our five children grew up, we watched other church and homeschool families for direction. (That’s the first mistake, right?) But we had no other example, and we longed to “do the right thing.” Those other buttoned up, tucked in families looked like a magazine cover. We knew we hadn’t cleaned the kitchen, and we’d fought on the way to church. Other families looked like something from Beverly Hills; we felt like the Beverly Hillbillies.

We parents put enormous pressure on ourselves to measure up. Jesus does not do this to us—we do it because we do not trust that we will hear His voice, even though He said we would. When we compare our worst to others’ best, we can’t help feeling defeated. We turn to Security Theater, hoping the rules will restrain our kids, though we still see pregnancies, drugs and suicide in strong, Christian families. The security measures aren’t working. But what else is there? Is it possible to step off this performance wheel? As it turns out, it is.

I have taught this material to parents who find relief from the enormous burden of security theater (the need to put rules in place despite the evidence that rules don’t work). (“Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: ‘Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!’?… Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom… but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.” Colossians 2:21-23, emphasis added.)

If your child is young, you got this book at the right time. If you have teens or young adults, you will find that this will help your relationship blossom. Even if you don’t have kids, you will find freedom for yourself. This is about you, because a parenting journey starts with the parent, and a personal journey begins with you.

Filed under: Parenting

What’s Possible for YOU?

I stood in the office store and stared at the beautifully artsy notebooks. Covers with hand-drawn birds or stylized print. I said to the older woman next to me: “I just love new notebooks – they represent such possibility!” I think she muttered, “Mm-hhm,” then moved to another aisle. Well, it’s true. Something about the blank pages, the open question, the clear slate on which to think and create! The hardest part seems to be shutting down the clutter in my brain to give me room to think. Isn’t that one reason we love vacations, to stop daily life that crowds around us so we can enjoy a refreshed heart and mind?

Getting Things Done guru David Allen says never to carry anything around in your brain — the brain is not to manage the logistics of your life (clean kitchen, change oil, check on mom), but the screen on which you interact with life as it comes at you. Instead, “dump” your brain into a system from which you can manage your tasks (calendar, task manager). Then your brain is free to create. That’s what notebooks represent to me: the blank space on which to create. I knew I loved them for a reason. Perhaps notebooks are not so much for to-do lists, what with everything is on computer now. But maybe that’s all the more reason to have a clean, crisp notebook. Just a place to write, draw, create.

Sometimes I collect quotes in notebooks. Sometimes I’ve just written because I like the flowing pen over the white pages. Other times I’ve drawn, though it’s nothing anyone would want to look at!

What would you do with a beautiful, fresh notebook? Or what have you done? Please comment below and tell me: what would you like to create, or what have you created?

Filed under: Abiding In Christ

God is Great, God is Good

Mel kicked her feet as she waited for the school bus. A lone car approached and young men inside watched Mel, then slowly drove off. She glanced up the deserted street and across the adjacent empty field and waited. The guys drove by again, leering. She looked away. She knew she had no place to hide. They drove away and Mel whispered, “God, protect me.” Mel was used to asking for and receiving God’s protection in all the missionary work of her parents. She turned around and saw an old lady reaching out to her. “Are you okay?” she asked. Mel said, “Yes,” but her mind was racing: Is this your answer, Lord? I don’t think this lady is going to be any match for those guys. The car came again, and the young men leaned out the windows right next to Mel. Suddenly, their eyes locked with the old lady’s; they panicked and sped off.

Mel told her parents about the encounter when she got home. “Why would those guys be scared of an old lady?” she asked. Her father said, “They didn’t see what you saw! They must have seen something terrifying to take off like that.” Of course. Whatever God had manifested to scare off the young men would have scared Mel out of her mind; instead she saw an old lady.

God is good–He loves us beyond our capacity to understand. God is great–He’s able to protect us better than an armored tank.

When Peter was freed supernaturally from prison, he ran to the house where fellow believers were praying for his release. But when he arrived, they didn’t believe it; they thought he was an apparition. Acts 12:12-15.

We pray. We ask for supernatural help. But we expect His help to come looking natural. When God answers supernaturally, our minds are blown. Except children. They ask for a miracle expecting… a miracle. May we all seek God as little children: asking for the supernatural, expecting the supernatural, and seeing the supernatural.

Then he said, “I tell all of you with certainty, unless you change and become like little children, you will never get into the kingdom from heaven.” Matthew 18:3

Filed under: Prayer

The Seed of Greatness

“The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn; the bird waits in the egg; and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. Dreams are the seedlings of realities.” James Allen

And the mature man or woman who walks with God grows in the child in your home. Sigh. As I look at my beautiful children, I am amazed at all that God has done in them. Beyond my understanding, completely beyond my abilities. God has developed these people He designed and place in those tiny bodies I carried around for nine months.

David had affairs and murdered his faithful mighty warrior. Paul killed faithful Christians. Abraham had sex with his wife’s maid. And God brought His life through all of them.

Wherever your child is, at whatever age, you seek them out and tell them how much you love them, that God loves them, and they can rest in Him. He will do the work in them He set out to do.

God bless you and your precious ones.

 

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6

Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Parenting

An Interruption to Fellowship

Two days I drove alone from Texas to Arizona. I was bringing a car to our son, and I had set up visits with my kids, plus two small retreats—so I had plenty to look forward to once I got there. But what a long drive. Would I get bored or claustrophobic?! Not sure. I decided to load plenty of books and teachings on my phone, to play through the car speakers. God and I would talk at length about where we’re headed in ministry, what the next year holds, and hammer out details for the retreats. We have plenty to talk about, really.

My sweet husband loaded the car for me, got me all situated, and off I went. Well, to make a long drive short, it was a blast! God and I talked off and on; I listened to some great teaching; I even made notes by speaking them in to my phone. (What a day and age!) Before I knew it, the first day was over. I grabbed a bite and then slept. As I left the hotel for the second, shorter day—crazy as this sounds—I was already sad the drive would be over! The time had been so enjoyable, and productive, I didn’t want to finish.

I finally understood what I’d heard from Mike Wells and Mark Ford, two great teachers: “Ministry is an interruption to my time with God!” Now I could get my hands around that idea for myself. As much as I love my work, and my family, none of it compares to basking in deep fellowship with God Himself.

Filed under: Abiding In Christ, Prayer