Jack Lewis Baillot's Blog, page 19

"Drop by Queens, I'll teach you how to fly a crop duster."

 First I wanted to thank everyone for your comments and prayers. I'm still having a hard time with grief and other struggles, but your prayers and words of comfort have helped.  I'm blessed to have you all as readers and friends.
 Second...I GOT A PACKAGE IN THE MAIL. A big one. Full of things...book things. Twenty of them. I HAVE TWENTY BROTHERS-IN-ARMS COPIES!!! 
 I might have goggly grinned at them. I also might have made a Leaning Tower of Pain out of them. And stood back and admired them and flipped through their pages. Then I might have eaten some Oreos because that is how I handle excitement.
 I haven't decided what I am going to do with the copies yet, other than admire them. I am thinking of attempting a book signing, but that means I'd have to be brave. I don't know if I am a not brave person, but when it comes to talking to people....then I am a chicken.
 Third, in honor of my Leaning Tower of Pain I share with you a song which is in my playlist.

 Happy Music Monday to all of you!
 I used a quote from my book...because I sometimes do things like that. 

Feeling like a failure. We've all been there, ...

 Feeling like a failure.

 We've all been there, right? Probably more than once. We get out the thing we love to do and have been doing for a long time - writing, drawing, sewing, knitting...whatever it might be - and we set it out in front of us. And then our mind starts to run.
 "You call that nice?" "It's horrible." "What are you trying to do? Because obviously you'll never do it."
 Before we know it we feel discouraged and miserable and give up our attempts.
 I've been to that point the last two months.
 It seems a weird time for it to hit me. I've fulfilled my longest dream, I'm now a published Author. I should be floating around, giggling with glee, unable to handle it.
 I am excited and grateful of course. But there are things which have happened to me.
 A long list of things.
 Getting an editor I now look back on my older books and see nothing but giant mistakes. I cringe when I go through them.
 Publishing is taking longer than I thought and therefore I feel as if I am doing a lot of things wrong and letting readers down. I don't know how to help it along faster but I feel as if I should.
 I've gotten behind on arranging the blog tour, which I've never been good at. Another thing I feel like a failure over. I am overwhelmed with it and buried under it with no sight at the end right now.
 While the plot hole was mended, the manuscript being published wasn't QUITE the one I wanted. While no one seems to have problems with it I still feel bad about it and need to accept that the editor liked it and readers have liked it and I need to stop worrying.
 I've not been able to write for a long while. I write a little every day, but not my usual book a month, and therefore I feel as if I am letting readers down, myself, and my childhood dream which is now fulfilled and could keep going if I keep working.
 As June nears things become harder for me. I can make it through most of the day fine, then it will hit me that my friend is gone and I will sit down and cry. At times her death still doesn't feel real. It feels as if I will go home and she will be there waiting for me. When it hits me it always hits me hard.
 With all of this there is the added edition of past pains that I am trying to slog my way through. Criticisms which have torn me down and make me question myself. It was common for mistakes to be pointed out and now sometimes that is all I see. I'm too afraid to try new things, and when I find something I enjoy I tend to tear myself down since it is what I got so used to.
 I've had trouble blogging, emailing, even getting through each day. By the end of the day I am so discouraged all I want to do is hide under my blankets and sleep.
 This is going to pass, I know it will. I am working through it to make it pass. I have friends around me helping me. I have a nice church which supports and loves me. I have a family to pick me up when I fall down, which is a lot.
 Mostly I have God who still hasn't left me. As I learn about life, as I attempt new things, fight old fears, and dig down deep to work on issues I need to deal with, He is beside me. He carries me through it and I know He will land me safe on the other side.
 But that doesn't mean that right now it is easy. I don't really know what I am doing. I feel like I'm running in a giant circle. My stomach has been in a huge knot and I'm on edge. These next two or three months are going to be long and hard for me.  Some things I have to face I am not ready to, other things I'm not sure how to. I just know I have to keep going, one step at a time, and somehow I can make it to the other side.
 But that is why I've not really been myself lately. 
 Things are still moving forward, but just slowly. I hope to have more of an update on my book soon.

"This is low even for you!"

 Have a Brothers-in-Arms song while I eat my salad.

Quote is from Lilo and Stitch. And I'm off to finish my dinner.

"Talk! I know you can!" "Okay, okay." *Screams*

 Another list of things you didn't know about Jack.
 Not numbered because Jack is too lazy to number things.
 I only lock the dead bolt on my door when I am home. This is because when someone tries to break into my house they will end up trying to unlock the door lock and lock it instead. When they realized they have locked it they will go to unlock it, and then have to either unlock the dead bolt, or if they unlocked it and end up locking it again, they will have to unlock it again. By the time they figure out why they can't get in, after fiddling with both locks, I will have had time to get a frying pan and wait for them when they open the door.
 I carry gun powder in my messenger bag. I don't think I have to explain this, you can surely think up plenty of reasons why this would come in handy.
 If I am ever kidnapped, lost in the wild, strained on a desert island, decide to run away from home on the spur of the moment, or anything like that I will be prepared. Don't believe me, ask anyone who has peered into said messenger bag.
 I stuck bobby pins to all my hats, just in case I am ever handcuffed and have to pick the lock.
 My best friend has promised to tie my hands behind my back so I can practice getting out of the ropes,
 I plan to learn how to escape a zip tie.
 I know how to shoot various pistols, rifles, cross bows, and bows.
 I know how to break a person's knee, the proper way. If I were attacked that is the move I will try first, and if that fails I will do the eye poke. But I'd rather do the knee first because the idea of poking someone's eye disturbs me.
 I don't trust pepper spray since if the wind is blowing it could get into my own eyes. Give me a taser instead.
 I know how to set a broken leg in the wild with nothing more than some branches and a torn shirt.
 I also know how to fight off sharks.
 If these fighting methods fail I am not above using a book. I've learned that with hardback it is best to hit with the cover, and with paperback the spine. (I was a bad tempered little child and my brothers can testify to this....)
 And now you know...know what I'm not sure. But you know it.
 Quote is from Lilo and Stitch. 

"We'll always be friends, won't we?"

 Wherein there was childhood sorrow

 I am going to try and explain my Fox and the Hound questions before I fall asleep. I meant to do this on Friday, but that didn't work. Then yesterday I had the chance to attend one of the most beautiful weddings ever - it was also the only wedding I've been to which felt completely stress-free. If I ever get married I want a wedding like that.
 (As a side note, I also had my very first slow dance with a charming fella. Sure, he might have been only three weeks old...and he might have slept the whole time, but still. It was everything I hoped my first dance would be.)

 Now, to try and quickly explain The Fox and the Hound.

 I first saw the movie when I was about seven. I saw it only once, and I loved it all the way to the end. Then it traumatized my little child brain and I couldn't bring myself to watch it again. Then I had my wisdom teeth out, and while I suffered horrible pain I decided to re-watch all my favorite childhood movies, that one included.

 All through it I prepared myself for the heart breaking ending, but to my shock, it didn't end the way I remembered. Unsure if it was just me or if this was something which had happened to everyone, I began to ask around.

 Basically, like me, there is a lot of people who believe the movie ended with the hound being shot getting between his owner and the fox.

 Now, if it was just me who remembered this I would call it my overactive imagination. But my cousin remembers this ending, my brothers, and several friends. And as a child my brothers and I just knew, we didn't discuss that movie. We didn't even acknowledge it existed.

 About half the people I talked to remember the ending I did, the others know the real ending.

 Don't ask me what happened. My friend Ben and I tried to see if there was an original ending, but her sister saw it in theater and saw the ending which is the one I saw when I had my teeth out.

 So don't ask why some of us picked this movie to imagine the exact same painful ending for - it would have been so much easier with Trusty in The Lady and the Tramp. But for some reason we went with this one, which had a clearly happy ending in spite of the sadness which went along with it. And those who remember the death ending for some reason never told our parents and therefore never had the reassurance that the hound lived.

 A lot of us suffered years of sorrow and pain for nothing, but at least we didn't suffer alone. We were all in it together, even if we just made the pain up.

 And now you know the reason for my question.

 TTFN! I'm going to bed.

"I'm lost."

 As promised, I am here to begin the explanation of the song I posted on Monday.
 But first, I have to ask a question.
 A question which might bring up a painful childhood memory for some of you.
 And there's a reason for this. Promise. But you won't get the reason until Friday.
 Consider this a survey.
 So, here we go.
 How many of you watched The Fox and The Hound as kids?
 And.....
 How do you remember it ending?
 (I used a Lilo and Stitch quote, because of reasons.)

"It's the master!"

 I'm going to bring up a painful childhood memory on Wednesday. (One which was painful for almost all of us.)
 Here's a hint.

 I'll explain on Wednesday. Right now I want to have some dinner.
 Quote is from Mary Poppins

"Are you tired from chasing the bad man all over the place?"

 Wherein Jack had "One of those" days.

 Or weeks.

 Never mind it is still the beginning of the week.
 This morning went fairly nice. Except I lost my tea mug so I couldn't take tea to work with me even though I bought tea for work mornings.
 But overall it was a nice day until I got home. And I found a GIANT orphan spider on my toilet.
 He isn't the first. After the one in the tea sugar - I might not have mentioned him, but he was the first of the orphans to come out for revenge - after him more have shown up. 
 It's getting out of hand. 
 And I've taken my vacuum to them because I would rather suck them up with half closed eyes then know they are loose in the flat somewhere and unseen.
 Sadly this one was too big for my little vacuum, so I sprayed him with peppermint spray.
 And then he vanished, which is never a good thing.
 After that one dropped out of my dish cloth and he too got sucked up. And last night I pinned one under a bowl which a friend later came and killed for me.
 So, as you can see....
 I am at war.
 The spider vanishing was later followed by me getting a doctor bill in the mail - which stinks because there's nothing worse than having to GO to the doctor and then the doctor saying they will help you out since you're poor and then not even helping out with half. But such is life. (I also got a book I won in a contest which kind of helped.)
 After I got the bill I managed to drop my new phone. Rather dramatically. This was after I got a cover last night to keep it safe. (Thankfully it didn't break.)
 So, as you can see, I have a very good reason for leaving my sword and my vacuum out and hiding in bed with tea. Because this day is officially done, I can't take any more of it.
 I am being good though and posting, but this is the last post this week. I am going on a mini-vacation. One of my friends thought I needed one, so Thursday through Sunday I shall be GONE. I will be doing things like sleeping and eating and reading Lockwood and Co. And not putting up with the orphan spiders. (While I'm gone I'm turning the heat down in the hopes they will vacate for somewhere warmer.)
 If there is anyone brave out there who wants the job of killing the orphan spiders consider yourself hired. I'll pay you in cookies. You just have to stay until all the spiders are gone.
 Fare thee all well for now.
 I have tea and Lockwood waiting for me.

"The unicorn! The stuff dreams are made of, wee children's dreams."

 I can't seem to see straight, so here is my song with little introduction.
 I will let you know, this is a Broken Blade song. I don't do songs which inspire that book too often, but since I started to work on it again I thought it might be time for a few.

 Quote is from Tintin, though I still have Tangled quotes I want to use up.
 That is all. Fair Thee Well my readers. 

"Here's your pan, here's your frog."

 The end of the week.

 March has been weird, and not overall nice. I am not sorry to see it go. Maybe it is rude of me to bid  a month goodbye and not be sad about it passing on, but I don't mind being rude to March, it started it.
 Right now I am getting ready to write at the end of a very long day. I was out of the house from eight to nine. In that time I did manage to find a sunny spot of forest where I hid for an hour with my book, that I haven't done in far too long.
 I came home, put on my jammies, and made some tea. Then I ate some jelly beans. Because my gummy bears which my brother sent me haven't got here yet. They're on a holiday in Chicago, they took a detour, and won't reach me until Saturday.
 SATURDAY! Two whole days with no gummy bears.
 Two.
 Whole.
 DAYS.
 Pity me, my friends.
 I really have nothing to post about. Might be because I am half asleep. Also might be because there was a mix up with Brothers-in-Arms manuscripts. They are fixing the problem now, but it meant a reformat and more time passing.
Good thing I've learned to be patient.
 *Yells and stabs the wall.*
 Yes, very patient...
 Here's your Tangled quote, I'm off.