Charlie Glickman's Blog

The Developmental Trauma at the Heart of Masculinity

There’s been a lot of writing about men, gender training, and relationship dynamics. I’ve even done some of it myself. But there’s a piece at the core of it all that I think often gets missed. I certainly didn’t understand it until just a few years ago. There’s a developmental trauma at the heart of masculinity.

What is developmental trauma?

So let me tell you what I mean by that. Most people think of trauma as a specific event that overwhelms your system. A house fire, a car accident, or a physical or sexual assault are examples of this kind of experience, and you can think of them as “shock traumas” because there’s a single, describable situation (a shock) that was too much, too big, too fast, or too soon for that person’s nervous system to handle in that moment. That’s pretty much the textbook definition of a trauma.

There are also ongoing traumas, such as living in a war zone or being in an abusive relationship. They’re not quite the same as shock traumas, but they share the experience of being too much or too big for someone’s system to manage. Any long-term stress can become a trauma if there isn’t room to unwind and restore balance.

These kinds of situations are different from developmental trauma, though. Developmental traumas are experiences we have in childhood, especially early childhood, that can be described as “too little for too long.” For example, if a child repeatedly receives the message that they are a bother, that their emotions are too much or are unwelcome, or that they will be punished if they express certain feelings, that child will likely come to believe that it isn’t safe to be emotionally expressive or vulnerable. Because they received too little encouragement and safety for their emotions, their ability to acknowledge or even tune into and name their feelings might be stunted because those skills never got nurtured.

To be clear, this isn’t about having a single or occasional experience of not being heard. This is about having a baseline of not being attuned to during big emotions, and it’s part of a lot of young people’s lives. That’s the “too long” part of “too little for too long.” There are some pretty common patterns that show up in response to different kinds of developmental traumas, and they can all affect how we move through our relationships. Sometimes, they can result in someone not feeling safe in their body, or not feeling trust that they can ask for (and receive) what they need, or that they have to earn attention instead of being inherently worthy of care and love. There are lots of variations, and the kinds of adaptive behaviors that arise as a result can range from super subtle to glaringly obvious. Part of my work as a relationship coach includes helping people identify and uncover their patterns, so we can find room to change them where possible and figure out how to adapt to them when needed.

Masculinity is policed through developmental trauma

There’s a really common experience that almost all boys and others assumed male at birth go through in US and western cultures. Imagine a young child, maybe 3-5 years old, and he’s running down the sidewalk. If he trips and skins his knees, he might very well start crying. When that happens, the odds are high that whoever picks him up to comfort him will say something like, “Why are you crying? I thought you were a big boy.” Whether those are the exact words or not, the message is that there’s something wrong with his tears and he’d better stop. That is the seed crystal for his developmental trauma. For the past 35 years, I’ve been talking with people of all genders, sexual orientations, and backgrounds about these topics, and this story is consistently familiar to folks, even if the details vary.

There are at least two primary problems that come from this. First, this boy is learning that if he expresses emotions, he will be judged and shamed. That little kid doesn’t have the discernment to figure out whether there are some feelings that are allowable. He’s going to shut them all down, especially since (as Brené Brown observes) “we cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” For that boy, the safest bet is to “man up” and stop having feelings because that’s how he can keep the positive regard that he needs from trusted adults. That is always going to be the most important thing because his life depends on those grown-ups. Kids know in their bones that they need an adult to take care of them, so if it becomes a choice between having emotions and survival, he will almost always pick survival. This is a big reason why so many adult men don’t know how to feel, name, or talk about their emotions.

Learning to wear a mask (that word already embedded in the term “masculinity”) is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.”

bell hooks, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

But it’s not just the emotions in that moment that get turned off. If he can’t allow himself to have feelings, he’s never going to be able to learn the emotional tools and skills that are essential to having healthy relationships. His emotional intelligence will be reduced or stunted, and his interactions with others will suffer. When he gets older and big feelings arise, his limited capacity will mean he’s quick to get overwhelmed. Difficult interactions will become too much and he’ll get triggered into a trauma reaction of fight/flight/fawn/freeze, which will take over the situation. This is one source of abusive behavior, and it can cause real harm to the people around it.

The second big consequence of these patterns is that this adult man will find other people’s emotions intolerable, too. If his partner has big feelings, our hypothetical guy could easily feel overwhelmed and try to find a way to solve or fix them in order to make them go away. He might mansplain why his partner shouldn’t feel this way. He might try to convince (gaslight) them that those feelings aren’t a big deal. He might blame his partner for feeling that way or try to control how they feel by yelling at or punishing them. He might withdraw, change the topic, or otherwise disengage. His developmental trauma around his emotions limits his resilience in the face of his partner’s emotions and he’s faced with a choice: experience how unsafe he feels internally in that moment, or try to control the external situation to find a sense of safety.

Anyone of any gender might seek to control their partner in order to find safety when they feel overwhelmed or triggered. But the way that boys and men are so often judged, shamed, and abused for expressing emotions is consistent across communities and demographic groups, so these patterns follow some pretty solid trends. There are also clear patterns in how boys and men are given permission to be angry, controlling, or violent. And if this hypothetical man has a son, his discomfort with his own emotions will almost certainly result in his giving his child the same messages about his feelings. Rinse and repeat.

It’s also worth mentioning that men aren’t the only people who reinforce this pattern. I’ve certainly spoken with plenty of women who say that they want their boyfriends or husbands to be more comfortable with emotions, but as soon as their male partners actually show vulnerability or weakness, these women feel unsafe because their partners aren’t being the big, strong man they want. They usually end up shaming their partners back into silence. Sometimes, when women say they want men to be more emotional, what they mean is that they want their partners to be more supportive of their feelings. That’s different from wanting the men in their lives to be more expressive about their own feelings. That also ripples out into how they interact with their sons.

I want to make it clear that nothing in this is inherent in masculinity. My dream is that we have a world one day in which we’d know what masculinity looks like when we don’t define, reinforce, and impose it through trauma. But that isn’t the world we currently live in, and even boys whose parents don’t actively enforce their sons’ gender in these ways are still surrounded by it. If you’re in a room full of people smoking cigarettes, you don’t have to smoke yourself to smell like tobacco when you leave. For the moment, the best we can achieve is reducing or minimizing the impact of our cultural attitudes, and hope that it will lead to further change in the future.

Healing this hurt

I’ve had men ask me sometimes why they should have to deal with this. They’ll tell me that they have their anger under control or that they know how to avoid triggering situations, so that should be enough. While I agree that managing the trauma reactions is far, far better than simply letting them run wild over other people, I don’t think that’s sufficient. It’s not enough because sooner or later, something will happen that will be bigger than your ability to manage, and then all of the trigger reactions will come spilling out. So although managing the trauma is better than not doing anything, it’s really only a first step.

The next step is about learning to heal these wounds. It’s not an easy project, and it often takes longer than you expect or hope, but the advantage is that when you have, you don’t need to keep managing things as tightly. Healing is an investment of effort, with the goal of freeing up your emotional and energetic resources when you come out the other side. Not only is that a net-positive, but it also means you’re much, much less likely to take your trauma reactions out on other people. You’ll become a safer person to be around, which will dramatically improve all of your relationships and connections with other people, especially your romantic and sexual partners.

The challenge in healing a developmental trauma is that the wound comes from such an early age. Children experience and perceive things differently than adults, so it’s pretty common for talk-based approaches to be limited or ineffective when it comes to exploring these early hurts. The recent growth of somatic coaching and therapy modalities is a testament to the fact that we need more than to talk about these experiences. We need to feel into them so we can give ourselves the healing we need.

This can be tricky because when people go into a trigger from their childhood, they often revert to the emotional age they were at when the original event happened. I’ve seen plenty of men behave like a young child when they get really upset or triggered. I’ve done that, too. But when a child gets angry and throws a toy across the room, it’s not likely to cause too much damage. The toy is probably soft and he can’t throw that hard yet, anyway. When an adult man reverts to this child-like emotional state, he can cause real harm. Maybe it’s because he’s physically stronger, or maybe it’s because he has harder or more fragile objects at hand. I know one guy who’s broken more than a half-dozen phones because he gets triggered and throws them against the wall. It’s the same behavior as an angry child, but the consequences for himself and the people around him are far more serious. If you’ve ever wondered why men seem to act like young children (or even, toddlers) when they get upset, this lack of skills around emotions is probably a big part of it.

In my experience, healing a developmental trauma means connecting to that young child who’s still there inside the adult. There’s often a trajectory where the coach or therapist stands in the adult role and engages with their client’s inner child, so that the client can learn how to do that for themselves. One of my teachers says that we can describe resilience in three more-or-less equivalent ways, which I think is relevant here.

Resilience is:

Being able to connect with your thinking brain and your emotional heart at the same timeBeing able to connect with your adult self and your child self at the same timeBeing connected with your prefrontal cortex and your limbic system at the same time (if you want to geek out about the neurology of this)

Developmental traumas limit our ability to find resilience. Learning how to hold awareness of both the emotions and the thinking self takes support and practice. It’s often easier to start by having someone else stand in the adult/caretaker/support role at first, with the goal of integrating those skills with practice and time.

Don’t make your partner your only support

In my experience, this is much easier to do with someone other than your partner, if you have one. Your partner has their own needs, wants, and desires and even if they’re a practitioner who does this kind of work for a living, it can be incredibly difficult for them to step into that role in their personal life. Having been the person needing this kind of support, the partner of someone who needed it, and a practitioner myself, I can tell you that you are almost certainly going to have an easier time and get better results if you have professional support from someone who isn’t your partner.

There’s also the risk that, once your relationship becomes centered on emotional caretaking like that, it can be challenging to step out of that dynamic and into a more balanced one. Don’t get me wrong- I think it’s essential for partners to take care of each other. But when emotional caretaking becomes the focus of the relationship, coming out of that can be complicated.

Another hazard that men and their partners often face in these situations is particularly difficult for male/female relationships. Since pretty much every woman or person assumed female at birth has experienced the threat of male violence and/or the reality of it, supporting a man as he delves into his developmental trauma and the emotional reactions that are often at the core of that violence requires a lot of resilience. It can sometimes be hard to be in that role, and while it’s wonderful when partners can take that on, it’s essential that they have the room to set boundaries when they need to. It’s important to have additional people to get support from so that your partner can take care of themselves and say no, without you ending up with no one to talk with.

The limits of therapy

I think it’s crucial to acknowledge that someone can be a therapist, coach, or other practitioner and still not have unpacked their own history around this issue. I’ve spoken with plenty of men who have had years of therapy or coaching and never felt like they could dig into these experiences because their (usually, female) therapist/coach would avoid the topic because of their own wounds. I’ve heard about therapists of all genders who would get triggered and freeze when a male client’s anger arises, or would jump to soothe the emotions instead of exploring them, or would validate a man’s anger without exploring what was going on underneath it. If you’re interviewing a possible practitioner you might consider asking them what challenges they face when confronted with men’s anger.

Even more relevant is that these early developmental traumas happen when we’re not especially skilled with our words. For some of us, these experiences might have even taken place before we learned to talk. As a result, talk-based work isn’t always able to get all the way down to the core of the issue. I tried talk therapy for literal decades because I hoped someone could finally help me. It wasn’t until I worked with a somatic practitioner that I could start to feel my way through this, rather than talking my way around it.

That doesn’t mean talk therapy is useless. In fact, it’s been one of the best resources I’ve ever had. But I think we need to acknowledge where it stops being effective. Healing developmental trauma is one place where that sometimes happens. Fortunately, there are more somatic psychotherapy methods than ever before, in addition to somatic coaching and other modalities. You might find one of those more useful for this stuff, too.

This is deep work

I know it can be hard to contemplate digging into these things, especially when the emotions of that hurt little boy keep coming up. We can only do this when we have a safe and trusted guide to manage the process and hold the many different pieces of the puzzle. The thing is- these wounds are relational wounds, and there are aspects of them that can only be healed within a supportive relationship with someone who’s both trustworthy and reliable. It takes time to grow that relationship, and even when you do, there is no quick fix.

The great thing is that when you’ve done it, you’ll have much more freedom, movement, and energy within your system. You won’t be using your internal resources to manage or control your anger all the time, and you won’t feel the same need to be vigilant about it. That opens up incredible possibilities for your life and your relationships with others, whether they’re sexual/romantic or not. And that is a major win.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted video call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post The Developmental Trauma at the Heart of Masculinity appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

Attuned Sex

There’s something I’ve noticed about dogs and cats. Some animals don’t really care if you’re not paying close attention to what you’re doing while you pet them. I’ve known many cats and dogs that enjoy it if I make the scritchy motion with my hand while they move around to get it where they want. Along the cheeks, under the chin, between the ears- these critters enjoy the physical sensation and they prefer to be in control of where they feel it. That makes it super easy to pet them while watching a movie or reading a book since I don’t even need to be looking at them.

I’ve known other animals that only really want to be touched with attunement. It’s not that they passively sit there without any reactions or signs of enjoyment. They’re definitely active participants in the experience, but they need to feel that I’m giving attention to what I’m doing. They make it clear that they want touch that’s attuned to them. It rarely works to try to pet them while reading a book because as soon as I start to focus on my reading, the cat or dog will get up and walk away.

It’s not that one of these kinds of touch is better than the other. They offer different experiences, and different animals (and people!) have their preferences. And it has me thinking about what attuned touch is. I’ve been hearing from quite a few people lately that they long to experience attuned touch, and I find that it’s both more simple and more complex than folks often realize.

What is attunement?

I’ve read a lot of different descriptions of attunement, but the one that feels most accurate to me is that attunement is like partner dancing. Whether you’ve ever done ballroom dance (or something like it) or not, you’re probably aware that one person is the lead and the other is the follow. When it’s done well, both people are actively engaged with each other and they’re both responding to the other. It’s not that one person is in charge and they drag the other person around the floor. They’re both creating the experience by tracking each other and using that information to adapt their movement from moment to moment.

Dance isn’t the only place that can happen. Attunement can be part of an activity as simple as playing catch with someone else. If you’re paying attention to the other person and adjusting how hard you throw the ball based on your observations, that’s a kind of attunement, too. Attunement is also part of having a great conversation, playing musical instruments or singing together, and even playing a team sport. If you watch skilled musicians or athletes playing together, it often seems like they can read each other’s minds without even looking at each other. That’s a form of attunement.

At its core, attunement is pretty simple, and that doesn’t make it easy or intuitive. So let’s take a look at some of the pieces to the puzzle.

Presence

The most important and foundational piece of attunement is being present. That means being focused and engaged with what you’re doing and where you are, in the moment-to-moment experience. It might not sound like much, but it it’s essential.

Living in the modern world, we’re surrounded by thousands of things trying to get our attention. We need to work, take care of ourselves, take care of our family and pets, manage our households and our lives. And while all of that has been true for everyone that has ever lived, we also get bombarded with phone notifications, a constant barrage of news and events to try to sort out, advertising and media that grab our awareness, and the ongoing stress of 21st century life. All of those pings and pulls on our attention make it harder to be present because they never end and they’re designed to feel important, whether they are or not. We’re facing more distractions and demands on our attention than ever before. (Pro tip: turn off any non-essential notifications on your apps. I promise that most of them aren’t nearly as important as they feel.)

Even before this modern era, people have always struggled with being present because we’re prone to “monkey mind.” Meditation and related practices have existed for so long precisely because stillness and presence don’t come naturally to us. We need to practice them. But if that was true even before the industrial and silicon revolutions, how much more relevant is it for us today with all these distractions that didn’t even exist 20 years ago?

Presence is the foundation of attunement because attunement only works to the degree that we can be present with what is happening in each shifting moment. At first, it takes a lot of effort, just like a beginning dancer can’t hold a conversation when they’re busy paying attention to their footwork and a novice musician will focus on playing the right notes rather than responding to a bandmate’s improvisation. You need a certain baseline of skill to be able to bring some of your attention to the other person. But even when you have the muscle memory to allow yourself to dance and talk at the same time, if you get too distracted (i.e. not present enough), your partner will feel it and the experience won’t be as fun or graceful for either of you.

In a sexual situation, if you’re too distracted by other concerns to be present, there’s nothing solid enough to support real attunement. In my coaching work, I often hear about partners going through the motions while being mentally or emotionally somewhere else. What I’ve found is that it’s pretty easy to talk about sexual practices that distill everything down to a “touch here in this way” approach, but the best sexual technique in the world will still fall flat if there’s no presence.

I know that there are many reasons we find it difficult to be present, and I acknowledge that there’s a certain amount of privilege inherent in talking about it. It takes resources and energy to find the tools and develop a practice, and that’s especially hard to do for folks facing stress or economic insecurity, as so many of us are these days. It reminds of a quote from Arthur Ashe: “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.” Even a small shift like practicing some calming breathwork can have a big effect over time.

Attention

The thing is, getting present within yourself is just the first step. To truly attune, we also need to extend a portion of our attention to the other person and “read the room.” We need to be able to observe their words, their actions, their body language & posture, and the tone and emotional prosody of their voice. As we get to know someone more deeply, we can shift from applying generalizations about these things (e.g. “breaking eye contact can be a sign of embarrassment”) to understanding this specific person (such as “they like to take a break from eye contact to lower the intensity of their experience”).

Learning to attend to these cues can often seem overwhelming, especially since someone could do the same behavior but for very different reasons in different situations. Factor in the cultural differences that influence how we move through the world and it can feel impossible to keep track of it all. The key here is to bring curiosity and non-judgement to your interactions. If you can do that, you can ask the other person to help you understand what their behavior means to them, and you can learn how to interpret it more easily. You might not need to do that in all of your interpersonal relationships, but if you can do it with your romantic/sexual partners and with your immediate circle, the quality of your relationships will almost certainly improve. They’ll feel seen by you, and you’ll have more confidence in your ability to understand their actions.

There are a lot of reasons this can be tricky. People who are on the autism spectrum often have difficulty interpreting non-verbal cues in the ways that allistic (non-autistic) people generally do. Some folks who have experienced ongoing abuse and trauma might interpret other people’s behavior as threatening and dangerous, even when it isn’t. Cisgender men and other folks assumed male at birth often struggle to interpret emotions because we get shamed, abused, and traumatized for feeling them (other than anger), which puts severe limits on our ability develop emotional skills or tools. People who are constantly stressed have less bandwidth to offer attention to someone else. Some of these challenges can be resolved or healed, and some of them have to be accepted and worked with. But either way, anything you can do to notice and observe the other person’s behavior can help you bring deeper attention to them.

Responsiveness

If you’re present in yourself and paying attention to the other person, that still isn’t enough to create attunement because you need to show the other person that your attention is on them. You can do that through words or through actions, and you do it by meeting them where they are. If they want a slower dance, you ease your pace down to match them. If they want something at a quicker speed, you match them my speeding up. This responsiveness is constantly shifting as the relationship between the two of you develops. For example, you might start off dancing at a slower pace while the two of you get to know each other, and then speed up as you connect more.

This is a place I see a lot people get stuck when it comes to sex because there’s a balancing act between having your own experience and responding to the other person. If you’re entirely focused on yourself, there’s no attunement, but if you’re entirely focused on the other person, there’s no room for them to attune to you. It can be hard enough to hold onto both of those pieces in a conversation, so it’s even harder when you’re having sex.

But the thing is- it’s the responsiveness that tells the other person that you’re attuning to them. Your actions are how you demonstrate that you’re present and giving them your attention. There’s no other way for them to truly feel like you’re attuning to them. Actions truly speak louder than words, intentions, or desires. Being able to hold your awareness of your own experience and the other person’s is a skill that’ll improve your sex life more than anything else will.

This is more important than any sexual technique

Let me be clear about something important. Knowing different ways to give and receive pleasurable touch is an incredibly important part of attuned sex. It’s impossible to be responsive to your partner if you lack erotic touch skills. I think that’s one reason there are so many books and guides offering sexual skills (including my own book, The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure). Plus, it’s pretty easy to write or teach about a technique because you don’t need to get into any of the complicated and messy emotional stuff. But I’ve spoken with lots of people and the vast majority of them say that while technique without attunement might be fun for a casual sexual encounter, it’s not enough to sustain a happy and ongoing erotic relationship.

In a lot of ways, this is similar to being an accomplished cook versus a great host. In this comparison, cooking skills are like sexual technique skills, and being an attentive host is a kind of attunement. You could be an amazing chef who can make all sorts of complicated and delicious recipes, but being a host for a dinner party is an entirely different skill set. Hosting involves things like helping guests feel welcome, keeping the conversational ball rolling, knowing when to refresh drinks or offer dessert, and tracking your guests to make sure they’re enjoying themselves. All of that requires attunement. Of course, you also want the food to be delicious, but a party with a great host who orders delivery will be more fun than a party with amazing food but an inattentive or unresponsive host.

Attunement is a practice

Presence, attention, and responsiveness are all skills that take time to build and practice, and there are a lot of reasons they can be challenging to cultivate. I find that when someone commits to developing their ability to attune, it can call into question all sorts of experiences such as events that happened in previous relationships, experiences with misattunement in their family of origin, any trauma they’ve been through, and even how they engage with their kids. Sometimes, developing the capacity to attune with a partner can come into conflict with the coping strategies that you’ve built to navigate difficult work or life circumstances. If you’re stressed out all the time, finding the presence that supports attunement can highlight how difficult your life is. I think it’s important to acknowledge that because sometimes, attunement can’t happen without making significant changes and that isn’t always available.

It’s also incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to attune with someone if you’re feeling resentment towards them. In my view, resentment is anger that hasn’t been expressed, and it’s often an indicator that there’s been a rupture in the relationship that hasn’t yet been repaired. If there are layers of unresolved rupture and there’s been a build up of resentment, the foundation for attunement is shaky because the hurt and anger is taking up that space. This is why I view resentment as the biggest relationship killer, and it’s why we need to learn how to navigate conflict and repair. Without that capacity, there’s no easy way to come back into attunement.

I’ve heard it said often enough that how we do one thing is how we do everything. I find that’s especially true for sex since our erotic selves are connected to our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual selves. If you want to learn how to attune better during sex, you might find yourself looking at how you attune in the rest of your life. Can you give your attention to your partner, your kids and family, your friends and coworkers? Can you focus on the person in front of you, rather than looking at your phone or thinking about your to-do list? Do you feel like you can respond to them as the conversation moves and flows? If not, I would suggest working on those pieces before trying to apply them to sex.

Two useful tools

If you find it challenging to be present in the moment, I have two suggestions for you. First, develop a breathwork practice. You can do it in less than a minute per day, and the benefits will show up pretty quickly. Breathwork is one of the most effective ways to work with the nervous system to build resilience and find presence.

Second, consider learning to meditate. Being able to be present within yourself is essential if you want to attune to someone else, and meditation is the most effective ways to do that, in my experience. If you don’t think you have time, consider the suggestion that “You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes everyday — unless you’re too busy; then you should sit for an hour.” If you truly don’t have 20 minutes to spare, you probably need to carve out even more time to slow down.

Note: People who are regularly in nervous system dysregulation, triggers, or trauma reactions sometimes find that meditation stirs up those feelings more than it helps settle them. That makes sense to me- feeling what your system is experiencing is comfortable only to the degree that you feel safe. I highly recommend the book Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness: Practices for Safe and Transformative Healing by David Treleaven for guidance on how to navigate the challenges that can arise for trauma survivors.

Learning how to attune isn’t complicated, but simple doesn’t mean it’s easy. As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted video call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post Attuned Sex appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

When Defense Mechanisms Get In the Way

I’ve been seeing a meme floating around that says “the things that helped you survive get in your way when it’s time to thrive.” There’s a lot of truth to that, and not just in terms of emotions.

When it’s a physical injury

Here’s one way it might look when it’s a physical injury. I recently did something to my sacroiliac joint (SI) and it got out of alignment. It was a fairly small thing, but it destabilized my pelvis and lower back, and any movement of my body pulled on the injury. In response to that, all of the muscles that connect to my lower back and pelvis tightened up or spasmed because they were trying to stabilize the misaligned joint to keep it from getting worse. Some of them took turns, and others got wound up tight and stayed that way. It was an uncomfortable experience, to say the least.

I know how to take care of this sort of thing because this wasn’t my first rodeo. So I lay down a lot, iced my lower back, took advil and some CBD meds, and rested my back as much as I could. Once the initial reaction started to calm down, I used my theragun and did some very gentle movement practices and myofascial release work. After a few days, I got the muscles to release enough to let my SI joint slip back into alignment and much of the pain went away.

However, all those big muscles that had tightened up to stabilize the SI joint were still freaking out and about an hour later, they pulled it back out of alignment. So, more rest, ice, meds, massage and movement until the SI realigned. This time, I got the muscle spasms to relax enough that the joint was stable for a few hours, but then, it went out of alignment again. Rinse and repeat. Each time, the SI went back into alignment more quickly and stayed there longer and longer, until I finally got the muscles to relax while the joint was able to stay where it was supposed to be. It took about a week and half, and it was only that short a time because I have a lot of tools for this sort of thing and a lot of practice at it. And even then, it was another couple of weeks of working with my body on a daily basis to keep everything from tightening back up and starting the cycle again.

This experience got me thinking about that meme. My muscle spasms were the defense mechanism that was trying to protect the injury, and until I started taking steps to calm them down, they kept me stuck in the painful pattern. The thing that my body was doing to try to protect the injury was making it more difficult to heal it. I couldn’t get relief from the pain until I’d addressed both the original joint issue AND the muscle spasms, and that took patience, time, and consistency. That is such a perfect parallel for how we move through emotional healing. We have to deal with both the initial hurt/wound/trauma AND whatever defense mechanisms we’ve built up around it, especially when those protective patterns are keeping us stuck in the hurt.

How it looks when it’s an emotional hurt

I know someone who withdraws and pulls away whenever he feels rejected. It’s a defense pattern he developed as a young child because he learned that it helped him to not feel utterly awful when he didn’t feel safe and secure with his parents. But now, as an adult, it gets in his way when there’s a miscommunication or a misattunement with his partner. Even when he’s aware that it’s a minor conflict or a small misunderstanding, his self-protective pattern of withdrawal and isolation switches on. He knows intellectually that it blocks him from reconnecting with his partner, but his body and heart still try to make him pull away.

In order to have a meaningful reconnection, he has to address the initial miscommunication or misattunement (which is like my SI joint injury) AND the response in his system that tells him to withdraw (which is like my muscle spasms). If he only takes care of the immediate issue, his defense pattern will still keep him from coming back into connection with his partner, in the same way that my tight muscles kept pulling the joint out of alignment. If he only takes care of the defense reaction and never resolves the original issue, the hurt won’t heal.

In my coaching work, I’ve seen a lot of folks who want to address or resolve a past experience or a trauma as part of their sexual healing, and that’s awesome. But sometimes, they don’t want to hear that they also need to look at their defense mechanisms. They don’t yet understand that they’re doing something that’s reinforcing or recreating the pain they’re trying to take care of. They’re so stuck in their reactivity that they don’t see how they’re pushing away the people they want to be close to, or they don’t see how their anger at feeling rejected makes it hard to be around them, or that their silence about their needs and desires means that their partner can’t ever give them what they truly want. Whether the defense patterns are the full-on fight/flight/fawn/freeze of a trauma reaction or a less intense version, they can still block us from getting where we actually want to go. As the meme says, “the things that helped you survive get in your way when it’s time to thrive.”

How we move forward

In my view, one of the most useful and least painful ways to take care of this is a three-step process, but it isn’t linear. Just as with my SI injury, we need to keep coming back to this over time and trust that things will change. The first time you do it, it’s a leap of faith but with experience, most people come to see that it works.

Step 1: Deal with the immediate issue

There’s not much point in trying to change your defense reactions when the thing that hurts you is still happening. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to address the issue well when the reactions are super active. This is one place that a therapist, coach, or other practitioner can help. If you have someone who can guide you through the steps of dealing with the immediate situation with a minimum of added inflammation, it makes all the difference.

That’s often easier when you have a pre-existing relationship with them, and have built a measure of trust before things get painful. But don’t let that get in the way of contacting someone if things are already in a crisis. It might be more difficult to create the strong practitioner relationship when you’re in pain, but it’s less difficult than continuing without that support.

Step 2: Figure out your patterns

One way that people often try to map out their defensive patterns is by talking about them, putting the pieces together, and coming to an intellectual understanding of how they work. I think those are excellent tools and I use them a lot. But talking about emotional patterns is also quite limited in its effectiveness because this is about more than how we intellectually engage with this stuff. I’ve seen people go to talk therapy for years and develop a deeply nuanced understanding of their defenses, but they still get caught up in them at the drop of a hat. These patterns exist in our bodies, our emotions, and our nervous systems. Sooner or later, we have to feel our way through them, not just think about them.

One tool that I find effective is called “switching on the trigger at a 3.” Generally, when we go into those patterns, they’re big and loud. The volume is at 11, and there’s no way to hear anything else. If we can switch them on safely and at a lower volume, we can explore them more gently. The way we do that is pretty simple, though it takes practice to do it skillfully.

First, we identify the sentence or phrase that feels turns the pattern on. It might be something like:

I don’t want to be with you right now.You made a big mistake.I’m really angry with you.You never do anything right.You’ll never be good enough.

They’re usually short sentences and they cut deep when they’re said with a lot of intensity, which is why the reaction hits 11. So instead, I gently and softly say whatever we’ve agreed on, without the heat of a real situation. That turns on the reaction at a much lower volume, and I always try to aim for a 3.

Second, my client’s job is to breathe and feel what sensations arise in their body over the next few minutes. They don’t need to respond to the phrase. The goal is to feel what comes up for them somatically (in their body) and to notice how it rises, crests, and subsides. It might move from one place to another, and there might be layers of sensation that emerge at the same time or in sequence. Some things I’ve heard people say:

My chest and jaw are really tight.I feel hot in my belly.My hands and feel are tingling.My throat is squeezing.I’m holding my breath.I want to smile to reassure you.I suddenly feel chilly.

Identifying the body sensations that accompany the defensive patterns is an incredibly powerful tool because it helps make it easier to notice them earlier in the cycle, before they get intense. For many people, these sensations are so long-standing and familiar that they can be hard to identify. That’s even more true when they’re connected to a trauma because a lot of people find ways to tune their body sensations out to get by. It sometimes takes a few attempts, but almost everyone I’ve tried this with has been able to feel those sensations with a little practice.

Learning how to tune into those somatic signals makes it so much easier to keep things from escalating. When my SI joint first told me something was going on, it only took me a few minutes to realize that I had an injury that needed attention. It would have been easy for me to ignore it until the pain got serious, but because I didn’t do that, I was able to drive home and get the meds and ice pack set up before the muscle spasms made that more difficult. When my client feels into the messages from their body and knows what they mean, they can look for ways to deal with their situation before it gets bigger.

Step 3: Find the right tools

Once we’ve started to map out the defense reaction sensations, we can look for tools and building skills to move forward. There are a lot of different paths that can take, depending on things like:

the nature of the original injurythe current situationwhat comes up in their body when the defense reactions show up in real life the emotional patterns they developed in response to their hurttheir relationship with the Drama Triangletheir experiences of power relationships, especially as they relate to gender, sexuality, race and other related factorstheir relationship and sexual historywhat healing approaches they’ve tried

There’s nothing in that list that’s any different from what a therapist or coach might help someone explore. The shift comes from having the somatic information that often gets overlooked in talk-focused approaches, and from using body-based practices to move forward. Our defensive patterns get trained into the body and they get switched on without conscious choice. Working with the body helps us access more effective tools. That can be incredibly powerful for seeing when our defense patterns keep us stuck in painful situations. It becomes a lot less difficult to find ways to interrupt that cycle, break out of our habits, and find more useful ways to move forward.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up Over This

Having self-protective patterns is simply part of being human. And it seems to be part of the human experience for those defenses to sometimes keep us stuck in our behaviors and habits. So when you catch yourself doing that, try to remember that this is pretty much a universal thing for people and the fact that it happens doesn’t mean anything about you.

It can be really difficult to break out of those cycles without support because doing it solo means not having an outside perspective to help you see what you’re doing. As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted video call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

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The World Will Be A Better Place When More Men Take It Up The Ass

There are lots of things we can do to make the world a better place. We can reduce our consumption of irreplaceable resources, we can develop our capacity to bring compassion to our relationships, we can support people in crisis or need- there’s plenty to be done. And there’s one thing that I think has an unrealized potential to improve things. The world will be a better place when more men take it up the ass.

Before you get all worked up over that, I want to be clear about something. I don’t think that every man needs to enjoy anal play and prostate pleasure. There are a lot of reasons why someone might not, ranging from it simply not being their cup of tea to being survivors of sexual assault and finding it too triggering. I will never say that everyone should do anything, especially when it comes to sex, since there are so many different experiences and histories.

Having said that, anal play has the potential to offer cisgender men (and their partners of any gender) insights that nothing else can. Here’s why.

Walking A Mile In Their Shoes

As a sex educator, I can attest that one of the common challenges in heterosexual relationships is that men often want to rush to intercourse and see foreplay as a chore they need to get through in order to “get their partner ready.” I know what that’s like- I’ve certainly had the urge to skip ahead in my excitement, though fortunately, that’s something I’ve outgrown over the years. But even the word “foreplay” assumes that the goal is intercourse, as if the destination is more important than the getting there.

This dynamic is the source of a lot of frustration between partners and it’s at least partly due to the physical way that sex often works for cisgender men. Unless we’ve explored receiving anal penetration, sex happens outside our bodies. It’s a lot easier to do that when you have a headache or you’re in the mood for a quickie or you just want to fuck. That’s especially true for younger men, since older guys are more likely to need direct stimulation in order to have erections, and because the relative novelty of sex when we’re younger often makes us so excited that we rush into it.

But when sex is something that happens inside your body, whether vaginally or anally, you often need a bit more warm-up. Taking things a bit more slowly and attending to our arousal makes a big difference. And how we’re feeling physically, emotionally, relationally, and mentally can have a much bigger influence than when sex happens outside your body.

Of course, plenty of men do understand this, at least intellectually. But receiving anal penetration gives us an opportunity to learn it on an embodied level. Once you’ve had to explain to a partner that you really do need them to go slower or that you need more warm-up or lube before the hard pounding sex, it becomes much easier to remember that when you’re on the giving side. Think of it as walking a mile in the other person’s shoes. I’ve spoken with enough men and their partners who have shared similar stories for me to really believe that it can make a difference. That has a lot of potential to improve our relationships.

Take It Like A Man

But even beyond that, there’s something incredibly powerful about being fully present in your masculinity while also being receptive. Many people see being penetrated as “the woman’s role,” or think that getting fucked means that men lose masculine status. That seems deeply unfortunate to me, especially in light of the ways that sexism and homophobia intertwine to reinforce the performance of masculinity. Even the use of slang like “I’m so fucked” or “fuck you” or “that sucks” rests on the idea that being penetrated is demeaning.

When we can learn that we can be strongly rooted in our masculinity while also opening up to penetration, when we can discover how to hold onto both of those pieces simultaneously, there are incredible new territories we can explore. We can see that we don’t need to see gender or masculinity as an all-or-nothing experience. We can re-envision penetration as simply one way to experience pleasure, without making it a marker of being less-than. We can take a lesson from the bear community and “take it like a man,” which can make us stronger and more resilient. When more men learn how to do that, the world will be a much better place.

Redefining Sex

And let’s not forget that the more we can let go of the focus on penis/vagina intercourse as the definition of “sex,” and the more we can expand our definitions of pleasure and how to experience it, the more room we can make for gender & sexual diversity, for more kinds of pleasure & love, and for sexual justice and equality. Of course, there are plenty of ways to do that, but men’s anal pleasure has incredible potential to help us lean into those edges, let go of homophobia, and heal our sexual wounding.

Sexual Healing

Want another reason? The anus and pelvic floor are strongly connected to our experiences of shame. Think about how a dog tucks his tail when he’s done something bad and is being punished. People have very similar responses, but lacking a tail and standing upright makes it less visible. There’s a reason that people who are stressed out all of the time are sometimes called “tight asses.” And lots of guys are so out of touch with our pelvises that we hardly move them when we walk. Receiving caring, loving touch on that part of our bodies can support us as we move through our healing. The ability to “find our asses” is deeply linked to our ability to be fully present in our bodies. And the more we can do that, the more we can open up our hearts to the people around us.

Do I think that anal sex is going to save the world? No. And as a sex educator and someone who enjoys receiving anal and prostate pleasure, I know from both professional and personal experience that it can make a huge difference in how cisgender men feel about sex and how we build relationships with other people. So I’m thrilled to announce that Aislinn Emirzian & I have written The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners. It’s full of tips and ideas to make prostate play lots of fun, whether you’re new to it or you’ve been doing it for years.

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My Accountability Process

In 2018, I initiated an accountability process to address harms I caused to one of my previous partners and to my personal and professional communities.

From 2014-2016, I harmed and emotionally abused one of my partners.I used social media in the autumn of 2016 to defend my actions which harmed my communities.I took advantage of the power dynamics that come with being a speaker and workshop teacher.

My accountability pod and I launched our public process in June 2019, and we have been working as a group to create a safe space for people to report harm that I caused, and to move towards repair and resolution. My accountability pod and I have published a series of documents, in which we describe various aspects of this situation, and we will continue to do so until my process is complete.

If you have any questions or if you have information that you would like to share with my pod, you can also contact them through the confidential email linked in the Medium post. I will not have access to your messages, unless you specifically give the pod permission to share them with me.

If you know of any individuals or groups that would want to be aware of this or that have information to share with my pod, please share this post or send them the link to the Medium page.

I am deeply sorry that my actions impacted and hurt so many people, and I hope that this process creates a space in which I can take responsibility for the effects of what I did.

Relevant links:

Medium account for posts about my accountability work (managed by my pod)

My public statement and the pod’s public statement

My pod members

Accountability Pod FAQ 

Naming My Harms

The Work I’ve Been Doing

Confidential pod contact email (I do not have access to these messages)

Note: The original version of this blog post lives here.

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My Accountability Process

CW: trauma, abuse

For the last several months, I’ve been working with an accountability pod to help me address some problematic and hurtful things that I did online and in personal interactions in 2016, as well as the damaging and abusive things I did towards one of my partners in the two years leading up to that. Before, during, and after this time, I was deeply triggered and dysregulated, and I was taking it out on the people around me, including (but not limited to): verbally dominating conversations and aggressively trying to get others to validate my beliefs or perspective, unwanted or inappropriate flirting and sexual attention, and disclosing information about my former partner to try to convince people to agree with what I was saying and doing. I was out of my integrity and acting out at the people around me. Many of you might have seen or heard about some of that at the time, or since then.

As part of my accountability process, my pod and I are inviting anyone who was negatively impacted by my actions to confidentially share your experiences with my pod. If you would like more information, you can read more about my actions, this accountability process, or the people I am working with. All of these documents have been posted to this Medium account, and updates will also be posted to Medium as things progress. If you would like to share your story with my pod, this confidential google form has been created for that purpose. My pod will only share your story with me with your express, affirmative consent.

If you have any questions, you can also contact my pod through the confidential email linked in the Medium post. I will not have access to your messages, unless you specifically give the pod permission to share them with me.

If you know of any individuals or groups that would want to be aware of this or that have information to share with my pod, please share this post or send them the link to the Medium page.

My pod has already reached out to my former partner to let them know about this process. There is no need to pass this post along to them or tag them in the comments, as they are already aware of it. Thank you for respecting their space.

I am deeply sorry that my actions impacted and hurt so many people, and I hope that this process creates a space in which I can take responsibility for the effects of what I did.

Relevant links:

My public statement and the pod’s public statement

My pod members

Report collection form

Confidential pod contact email (I do not have access to these messages)

Medium account for these posts (managed by my pod)

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When Safety Becomes Controlling

Note: I wrote this post in April 2019 to explore how my thinking on this topic has changed since writing this one in December 2015.

In the tech world, they often say that it’s important to find a balance between security and usability. If you make your online passwords difficult to crack, they’re also difficult to remember. If you make your passwords simple to remember, they’re easier for someone else to guess or figure out. It’s tricky to find a level of security that does the job without getting in the way. I find that something similar happens in relationships.

Feeling Unsafe

Safety is a key element of attachment, and it’s part of the foundation in a secure relationship. It’s what allows people to feel comfortable being vulnerable with a partner, and it makes it much easier to lean into the edges of the comfort zone and step into a brave space. Safety is also an essential element of sexual pleasure. When we don’t feel safe, it’s more difficult to experience arousal, desire, and intimacy.

It’s important to note that I’m talking about feeling safe, which isn’t the same thing as being safe. In part, that’s because there’s no way to guarantee 100% safety in all situations. We each have a different set point for what “safe enough” feels like, and it changes in different circumstances. We each also have different strategies for moving towards safety when we need to. Unfortunately, some of those approaches can get in the way of a healthy and happy relationship. Just as super complex passwords make it harder to use your tech, some of the ways that people try to build safety can make it harder to create fulfilling relationships.

One example: if talking about sex brings up deep feelings of shame or anxiety, someone might avoid the topic. While that might make it feel feel safer in the moment, it also makes it harder for them to navigate sexual situations, set boundaries, ask for what they want, or deal with differences in desire with their partner. That’s a recipe for enduring unpleasant touch and building resentment. Adopting the “don’t talk about it” strategy because it feels safer can easily make the relationship less fulfilling. But even more than that, avoiding the topic because it feels unsafe it can lead to less actual safety.

There are a lot of reasons someone might feel unsafe and it can be hard to tell the difference between I feel unsafe and I am in danger. We learn from our past experiences and our brains are constantly looking to fit current situations into familiar patterns. The fear response is a powerful one, so when your sweetie does something that cues an old pattern, especially if you think it means you’re going to be hurt and/or abandoned, it’s easy to believe that feeling unsafe means you’re actually at risk. That’s even more true if the old pattern that’s being activated comes from childhood experiences, trauma, or childhood experiences of trauma.

When we don’t feel safe within ourselves, one of the most common reactions is to try to control the people around us. That person who doesn’t feel safe talking with their partner about sex might change the topic when it comes up. Or they might shame their partner or get angry with them and lash out in an attempt to get them to stop bringing it up. Or they might make jokes, insist that everything is ok so there’s no need to talk, or deny that there’s a problem. In these sorts of situations, they’re trying to create safety for themselves by controlling the situation and/or their partner.

These kinds of approaches often feel like an effective strategy when the anxiety or fear is loud, and in the short term, they might even seem to work. But it’s also pretty likely that their partner will feel frustrated or disconnected from them. And depending on what they strategies they adopt, their attempts to control their partner might start to slide into abuse. Often, abusive behavior comes from a misguided attempt to create an internal sense of safety.

Do You Feel Unsafe When You Aren’t In Danger?

When you feel unsafe, it’s natural to want to fix the situation. You want to get back to feeling safe again. But when you tell your partner, “you’re making me feel unsafe” or “you’re triggering me,” you might be trying to control them rather than addressing the deeper issue.

Here’s an example. A male/female couple I was coaching kept getting into fights because he was super flirty. He didn’t see it as inherently sexual- he simply liked to get playful and flirt, especially at parties, but he had no intention of actually hooking up with anyone because their relationship was monogamous. For him, flirting was a fun way to interact with people. But his girlfriend had had a couple of partners cheat on her, and in one situation, she’d had a partner end their relationship in order to get together with the person he’d had the affair with. She had a fear that the same thing would happen in her current relationship, and every time she saw her current partner flirting at a party, all of those worries came flooding back.

She told him that she felt unsafe when he flirted with other people and that she wanted him to stop. He experienced this as an attempt to control him and keep him from having fun. Since he knew he had no intention of actually hooking up with anyone else, he started to feel resentful, which escalated things. He wanted to be a good partner and demonstrate his care and respect, but when she said “you’re making me feel unsafe,” he resisted and he couldn’t hear the underlying message.

There are lots of variations on this general theme. Some people are so worried about upsetting their partner that as soon as they hear “you’re making me feel unsafe,” they immediately comply with whatever is being demanded of them. Some people get angry when they feel controlled, so they react by lashing out. Some people get caught in a shame loop and fall down the rabbit hole of “I’m a bad partner for doing this to you.” It’s easy for these situations to turn into a ping pong game of triggers- each person’s reaction sets off a trigger in the other one, until escalates out of control.

There are two big difficulties that make this even more complex. The first is that there are times when feeling unsafe is an accurate reflection of actually being unsafe. We need to be able to tell our partners when something puts us at risk. For that matter, we need to be able to talk about it when something isn’t working. Our feelings are how we know that something isn’t right, and it’s important to listen to them because a lot of the time, they are reasonably accurate measures of what’s happening.

The second challenge is that feeling unsafe (or angry or scared or sad or…) doesn’t necessarily mean that anything in the situation needs to change. You might feel worried because your child is going off to college. If you let your fear hold them back or if you try to manage your fear by controlling your child, you aren’t giving them the opportunity to have the full experience of being in college. Sometimes, we need to allow ourselves to feel unsafe without trying to fix it by either minimizing the emotion (to make it go away) or changing the situation (to make the feelings not happen).

Finding The Balance Between Safety and Flexibility

To go back to my clients, she wanted him to stop being so flirty in order to protect herself from feeling scared that he would leave her. But what worked much better was for them to talk about her experiences and her fears, for him to hear them without trying to fix them, and for them both to find ways for him to give her the reassurance she actually needed. When he understood what was really going on, he was able to promise that he wasn’t going to hook up with anyone he flirted with. He also promised to spend time at parties flirting with her and making her feel special, to find ways to show his love and care for her more regularly, and to tell people he was talking with that he had a girlfriend. As he put these pieces into place, she felt safer and was able to soften around her old hurts and begin to heal them. Meanwhile, he got to be his flirty self without giving up something he enjoyed. In fact, they discovered that they enjoyed flirting with each other and it became a regular part of their sexual and romantic connection.

That took a lot of courage on both of their parts. She had to be willing to let him see her fear without requiring him to fix it in the way she had wanted. She also needed to tell him about it without attacking or shaming him. He had to be open to seeing how his actions affected her without getting defensive. They both needed to be vulnerable with each other in order to move forward. And they had to be willing to be creative in coming up with possible solutions that would work for them both, and to experiment with them and recalibrate as needed. That’s a lot harder to do than simply making demands, and it ultimately got them to a much more solid and sexy relationship.

Learning to stop using your fears and your feelings of unsafety to control or manipulate the people in your life isn’t easy. It means learning emotional resilience and self-regulation skills. It means taking the chance that you’ll feel fear or discomfort. It means setting boundaries without turning them into ultimatums. It means allowing other people to see your vulnerability so you can find ways to move forward, rather than holding yourself (and your partner) back. And it means risking the possibility that there isn’t a solution that will work for you both, which might signal the end of the relationship.That’s some pretty scary stuff, especially if the two of you are setting each other’s triggers off. It’s no wonder that so many people simply fall back on “you’re making me feel unsafe and I demand that you stop it.”

But if you want to be able to fully show up in your relationships and to allow your partner(s) to do the same, you can’t use your feelings of unsafety as a weapon to attack them. You can’t use them to try to control or manipulate them. If you’re telling someone about your emotions in a way that makes demands, whether they are explicit or implicit, you’re using your feelings to try to get them to comply with your wishes. While it might feel like an effective way to create safety in the short term, it undermines the relationship and plants the seeds of resentment. And there’s nothing that kills a relationship faster than resentment.

It can be hard to find better ways to speak your truth without trying to control your partner. Most of us don’t have a lot of role models for it. And every relationship will find ways to activate your wounds and shadow, which means that you’ll get reactive and defensive about something, sooner or later. This isn’t about being “perfect.” It about learning how to do a little better, each time it happens, so you can get off the hamster wheel of your habits.

Feeling Safe Enough

Since there are so many reasons each of us feels unsafe in different situations, we each have a different trajectory as we move towards feeling safe enough. Some of the elements that might be part of your path include:

Identifying old patterns and triggersLearning new ways to ask for what you want or needHealing from past experiences and traumasGetting information about the situation to develop a more realistic assessmentBuilding resilience around risk and difficult emotions (yours and your partner’s)Learning about Karpman’s “Drama Triangle” and how it plays out for youTuning into the felt sense of your emotions and finding new ways to talk about themFiguring out when and how to slow down or press pause, and then re-engageLearning about the nervous system and developing tools for emotional resilienceDiscerning between boundaries and ultimatums

Any one of those can feel daunting, and many of them are ongoing processes, rather than a “deal with it and it’s done” situation. As challenging as that might seem, I find that it can help to think of these as practices to engage in, instead of a merit badge to earn and then move on.

This isn’t something that you can only learn from a book or webinar, though those can be important tools. And this isn’t something you can think your way through or figure out. It’s something you need to feel your way through, and for most people, that works best when there’s someone else guiding the process. Since safety is part of attachment and attachment is about a relationship between two people, building a sense of resilient safety within your system might happen more smoothly with some outside support, whether that’s a coach, a therapist, a support group, or a trusted and knowledgeable friend.

In the end, getting to “safe enough” means being able to feel safe in your own system, rather than trying to control the people around you. It’s a moving target since it can change as you grow and move through life. And while it might seem like a lot, all you really need to do is focus on the next step. You’ll be amazed at how far that can take you.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted video call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

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“It’s All About Communication” Is The Worst Sex Advice Ever

There’s a piece of advice that sex educators and writers always seem to give folks that I find both accurate and useless. “It’s all about communication” is certainly true, and it doesn’t do a lot of good.

Part of that is because almost everyone thinks that they’re great at communicating, in the same way that most people think that they’re above-average drivers. If the majority of people believe that they’re good communicators, advice about the importance of communication becomes sort of pointless.

Another reason “it’s all about communication” is useless advice is that it often turns people off. When I write blurbs for my workshops, I can use phrases like “tell your partner what you want” or “share your desires with your partner” and people show up. But if I use words like “communicate” or “negotiate,” far fewer people want to be there, even if the rest of the workshop description is exactly the same.

Finding Your Authentic Voice

Even more important than those two factors, though, is that telling someone to communicate with their partner ignores the many reasons folks find it challenging. It doesn’t take into account that there are so many different ways to talk about what you want. Each person needs to find their own voice and their own words, and simply telling them to communicate doesn’t help as much as you might think.

I once had a client who wanted to figure out how to tell her husband that she sometimes didn’t like it when he massaged her neck. They’d be watching TV and cuddling, and at first, she’d enjoy it. Somewhere along the way, he’d start rubbing her neck, but it wasn’t what she wanted because it distracted her from the show. She’d grit her teeth and wait for him to change what he was doing. By the time he did, all of her pleasure had evaporated. She was enduring unpleasant touch and resenting it, which was killing her enjoyment.

So we decided to do a little experiment. We sat on the couch in my office and I gently put my hand on the back of her neck. The goal was to give her an opportunity to practice finding her words. The first time, she simply reached up and moved my hand. While that was certainly an effective way to let me know that she didn’t want my hand there, I shared with her that it felt rather jarring and left me with the feeling that I’d done something wrong. Of course, her husband might not have the same experience with that, which we also talked about.

In the second round, she tried using words to tell me, and I let her know that if I hadn’t been paying close attention, I wouldn’t have understood what she was asking for. Her voice was soft and her words were so gentle that I would have missed her meaning. And so we went, with her trying different combinations of words and non-verbal cues, while I offered feedback and reflections on what it felt like to receive them. We were looking for language that felt authentic to her experience and maintained the connection between us. After a little while, she came up with this: “I’m enjoying the contact between us and I’d prefer to have your hand here,” along with her moving my hand to her leg. It sounds so simple, and yet, it took quite a few experiments before we found the sweet spot.

The best part is that she emailed me the next day to say that she’d tried it that very evening and her husband’s response was, “Ok. No problem.” He truly had no idea that she was enduring something she didn’t want, and he had no difficulty in changing things up. Of course, it isn’t always that easy. I’ve certainly worked with folks whose partners were resistant to receiving feedback or who had very specific ideas about what kind of touch “should” be enjoyable. And yet, I have to wonder how many people are enduring touch they don’t want, while their partners would be perfectly fine making adjustments.

My client knew the importance of communication. The challenge was that she didn’t know what to say or how to say it. She couldn’t find her words in the moment because it felt high-stakes, and she couldn’t figure it out on her own because that’s not how communication works. She needed a space where she could practice without consequences, get feedback and ideas, and try again. Since she hadn’t yet had that opportunity, each time she read or heard that great sex requires communication, she internalized the belief that there must be something wrong with her. She felt shame because she couldn’t do it on her own.

Different People, Different Approaches

I’ve applied this sort of experiment to many different people and couples, and I’ve seen lots of different reasons people struggle to find their authentic voices. Each person brings their own experiences and patterns, including:

GenderRaceAgeCultureSexual orientationAttachment styleRelationship historyLove languageExperiences of physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse or traumaCommunication patterns from their family of originExperiences in previous or current relationships

Someone who has an anxious attachment pattern might be prone to softening their language because they worry about their partner leaving them. They might need some help in finding stronger words. Someone with an avoidant attachment pattern might tend to use overly harsh words that push their partner away. They might benefit from exploring ways to keep the connection while maintaining their boundaries or stating their needs.

A person whose primary love language is words of affirmation would probably find different words helpful than someone whose primary love language is physical touch, even in similar situations. Someone who was shamed and criticized by their parents might need to hear something affirming or validating when being told a boundary. And it can be useful to use different words with a casual partner, a one-night stand, a newly-committed partner, or a long-established relationship.

The genders of the people involved also shape the dynamic. Many cisgender men take it personally if a partner asks for something different because guys often internalize the belief that they’re supposed to know what to do in bed. And lots of women have had their sexual desires and needs set aside for so long that they don’t believe that they’ll be met. Of course, that’s a vast oversimplification of a complex topic, but the important point is that telling someone what you want (or don’t want) is affected by both your gender training and theirs. Communication doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

Finding Your Words

With all of these different variables, it doesn’t surprise me that simply telling people to communicate is rarely effective. There are too many reasons people have challenges with finding their words, and there are too many emotional and psychological patterns for a one-size fits all approach. That’s why I like to create opportunities for people to experiment.

A lesbian couple that I was working with over video was struggling with sexual communication. Susan (not her real name) had experienced deep shame and emotional abuse as a child. As a result, she was scared to tell her wife Pamela (also, not her real name) what she wanted. She had a deep fear that she would be attacked and blamed, or that Pamela would leave her. They both wanted to learn how to change that.

For this experiment, we identified two ways that Susan wanted to be touched on her arm and two ways that she didn’t want. Pamela started off touching her in one of the ways that Susan liked and after 10 or 15 seconds, switched to the ways that she didn’t like. That allowed us to simulate how sexual touch can switch from yes to no, and gave Susan an opportunity to try using her words. For each round, Pamela was able to let Susan know how it felt. My job was to suggest different words or phrases, based on what Pamela said. After several tries, we found that “I’d like you to do something different” was the most effective way for Susan to say it.

But even then, we weren’t done. Susan needed to know that Pamela wasn’t upset or angry. So we kept going, and we added Pamela’s reply. We figured out that “Thanks for telling me. I’m happy to do that.” was the best way for Pamela to acknowledge Susan’s request and let her know that there was nothing to worry about. That gave Susan the reassurance that she could ask for what she wanted and set boundaries without worrying about Pamela’s reactions.

Both of them knew that they needed to communicate about what they wanted from each other, but they didn’t know how to find their words. They needed a brave space to do it in, and they needed someone else to offer options for words and phrases that felt both authentic and safe. Before they had that, they were convinced that there was something wrong in their relationship because they couldn’t find the right language. They both felt embarrassed about that, which added to their frustration and disconnection. Once we talked about Susan’s fears and took them into consideration, the three of us were able to come up with something that was effective, safe, and authentic to their relationship.

We All Get Stuck, Sometimes

Just to be clear, I don’t think that you always need to work with a coach or a therapist to find your words. Depending on what’s going on for you and how much practice you have, you might be able to do it on your own, either individually or with your partner. That’s a skill you can develop, and it makes a big difference.

But even folks who have that ability will get stuck every now and then. There are times when it’s impossible to objectively see situation, especially if it’s triggering or if your habits are so deeply ingrained that you can’t see the forest for the trees. One way you can tell when that’s going on is that the same difficulties or miscommunications show up over and over. That probably means that the solutions you’re coming up with aren’t working. If you find yourself repeating the same conflicts or if you’re complaining to your friends repeatedly about the same difficulties, that’s a great time to get some outside perspective. On the other hand, if the communication challenges get resolved and don’t keep cropping up, then you’ve probably done a solid job of addressing them.

Communication Is Complicated

Given all of the ways that people are different from each other and all of the reasons it’s hard to find the right words, I don’t think there’s much value in telling folks that “it’s all about communication.” Yes, that is an absolutely true statement and I know that the goal behind it is to help others. At the same time, I’ve spoken with many folks who struggle with communication or who feel shame for not being able to figure it out. I’ve come to see that despite the desired intention, it’s not particularly helpful. In fact, in many situations, it makes things worse.

Communication is shaped by so many different factors that I’m not surprised when someone tells me that they’re struggling with it. Unfortunately, I’m also not surprised when they tell me that they’re feeling embarrassment or shame about their difficulties. And while there are ways in which shame can motivate us to make positive changes, it doesn’t help much in these situations.

So when someone tells you that it’s all about communication, that’s a good time to ask them for specifics. Ask them for ideas or suggestions for whatever is going on for you. Ask them how to apply their experiences to your circumstances. Or take their words with a grain of salt because you’re a different person, dealing with different things.

For my colleagues in sex education, coaching, or therapy, I think it’s time that we set this tired advice aside. At best, it doesn’t do much good. At worst, it can be inadvertently shaming. Yes, it is all about communication. And communication is about so much more.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted video call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post “It’s All About Communication” Is The Worst Sex Advice Ever appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

Taking Pleasure

If you ask most people what makes someone an amazing lover, they’ll probably say that it’s about being able to give your partner pleasure. There’s certainly a lot of truth in that, but it’s only half of the story. The other half is taking pleasure.

Let me explain that that means.

Giving Pleasure

When you give someone pleasure, you’re touching them while focusing on their experience. Your attention is on what the receiver enjoys, and you are in service to their pleasure. You can think of it as if the sensation is moving from your hand into their skin.

This kind of touch is the topic of almost every article, book, and video about sexual technique. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of pieces with names like “12 Mind-blowing G-spot Moves” or “8 Blowjob Skills You Have to Have”. These articles are all about giving your partner pleasure, and they’re easy to write because they’re tell you how to take specific action. Touch here. Kiss that. Follow these instructions to make your partner feel good.

As Betty Martin frames it, when you’re having sex like this, the touch and the pleasure are both flowing in the same direction: from the giver to the receiver. It can be delicious fun for both people, but it’s only half of what’s available to you.

Taking Pleasure

When you take pleasure, your focus is on touching your partner in the ways that feel good to you. It’s tracking the sensations that your hands enjoy and using that to guide your touch. The touch is moving from your hand to their body, but the pleasure is moving from their body into your hand.

Keep in mind that this all needs to happen within the boundaries of your partner’s consent. In that context, you can think of it as your partner allowing you to take your pleasure from them. That is what makes it a gift. When taking happens outside of consent that’s sexual assault, and that is most definitely not what I am talking about.

We don’t often talk about taking pleasure. It can be difficult to find the words, since the difference between giving and taking is one of intention. You can give someone a blowjob for their pleasure, you can do it for your own enjoyment, or you can go back and forth. If you’ve ever had a partner say, “I really enjoy going down on you,” there’s no way to know which intention is behind. But if you ask, you might be able to figure it out:

I love seeing you feel good. (giving)It feels so good to my lips and it really turns me on. (taking)

If someone is interested in giving, they’ll talk about how much they enjoy your pleasure. If they want to take, they’ll talk about their own experience. The key difference is whose pleasure is the focus of the action. Both of them can be lots of fun, and it’s not as if one of these is better than the other. Being clear about which happening can make sex much more fulfilling.

The Pleasure in Allowing

So if taking is all about the pleasure of the person doing the touching, what about the person being touched?

When you allow your partner to take their pleasure from you, you experience their arousal and their excitement in a different way. Instead of focusing on your physical stimulation as the source of your enjoyment, you get to receive their passion and desire. There’s a delicious energy that you can feel when your partner is taking their pleasure from you, and it’s distinctly different from what you feel when they’re giving pleasure to you, even if the physical act is the same.

Allowing your partner to take pleasure from you can also be exciting because you’re the object of their attention and desire. You get to feel wanted, appreciated, and lusted over. You get to tune into how much they want you, and that can be an incredible aphrodisiac.

I’ve read plenty of surveys and interviews in which they ask people to identify what makes sex feel good and one answer that comes up over and over is feeling your partner’s enthusiasm. Experiencing someone’s eagerness and the intensity of their passion can be an amazing turn on, and it’s wonderfully easy to tune into that when they’re taking their pleasure and you’re allowing it.

I find that this is one of the reasons that so many people have fantasies of being taken. Although most people classify them as “rape fantasies,” I don’t think that’s the most accurate way to describe them. No matter how intense or extreme the fantasy, it’s rare that anything happens in them that the person doesn’t want. There is always consent in a fantasy, even when the story of the fantasy is that there isn’t.

Sometimes, these fantasies are about getting what you want without having to ask for it because the other person magically knows exactly how to satisfy you. But sometimes, these fantasies are about feeling the other person’s desire, lust, and gratification in taking pleasure from you. They can actually be “allowing fantasies.” Unfortunately, since most people don’t understand the exquisite enjoyment of allowing, we misunderstand these fantasies and add to the cultural confusion about their meanings.

Learning to Take

While it might sound easy, there are some hurdles that people might face when learning to take pleasure. Some of the common ones that I hear are: feeling guilty about being selfish, worrying about crossing boundaries, and habit.

I once heard it said that amazing sex happens when we can balance being selfless and being selfish. I think there’s a lot of truth in that. But all too many of us have learned to not ask for what we want, that we don’t deserve to get it, or that we’ll be punished or shamed if we put our desires into words. Some folks lose their erotic voices because they’ve been trained out of them. And sometimes, people deal with that by focusing 100% on giving. After all, if you only ever do what your partner wants, you’re safe from worrying about being accused of selfishness. The problem with that is that you’re sacrificing a big part of your erotic potential in exchange for safety.

It makes a lot of sense when people say that they don’t want to take pleasure because they’re concerned about going too far or doing something their partner doesn’t want. I find that this is a good place to explore how they can let each other know when things need to slow down or stop. Sometimes, there are relationship dynamics that need to be addressed. There might be old wounds that need to be healed. There could be stories that someone is carrying from a past relationship that needs to be released. And sometimes, we need to learn to trust ourselves and our partners to be able to navigate erotically-charged situations with compassion and honesty.

When people are exploring taking pleasure, it’s easy to slip back into giving. For example, I often invite couples to learn the difference between giving and taking by touching each other’s arms. When they’re practicing giving, the focus is on having the receiver tell them where and how to touch them, through words or non-verbal cues. When they’re practicing taking, the focus is on having the toucher do what feels fun to them. Almost everyone finds themselves slipping into giving without realizing it. It really does take a lot of attention to make the change, at least until you get used to it.

There are lots of reasons that people feel guilt about being selfish, worry about going too far, or fall into familiar habits. There isn’t any one path forward because we each have our individual histories and experiences. We also face different challenges and have received varied messages about sex, depending on our gender, age, race, sexual orientation, etc. But no matter what any one person’s experiences have been, there is always a way forward.

Learning to Allow

When I talk with folks about allowing they often worry that their partner will not honor their boundaries. Allowing can only happen to the degree that you feel safe enough to relax into the experience. That safety comes when you know that you can speak up when something doesn’t feel good, and that you will be heard.

Sometimes, people have challenges with that because of events that have happened in past relationships. Those difficulties might also be the result of things that happened at an earlier point in their current relationship. They can also arise when someone has experienced sexual shame or trauma, or simply weren’t taught the skills to navigate their desires.

Taking is safe to the degree that the allower can advocate for their needs and to the extent that the taker can respond with care. Given how rarely we learn these skills, it’s no surprise that so few people are aware of the incredible pleasure that they can feel from taking and allowing.

How to Move Forward

As a somatic sex educator, I find that the most effective step we can take to explore taking pleasure and allowing is to try it in small, controlled ways and then look at whatever comes up or gets in the way. Rather than talking about it and getting into an intellectual discussion, it’s far more effective to experiment with it and discover what stories, feelings, or sensations arise.

While you can certainly do that with a coach or other support, you can also do plenty on your own. Betty Martin, the amazing teacher who introduced me to this idea, has several free videos on her website and they are a wonderful resource for discovering the different kinds of touch. Her Wheel of Consent is also one of the best explanations of how consent works in the body. I’ve lost count of how many people have told me that her videos changed everything they thought they knew about touch, boundaries, and consent.

The most important piece of this is to do it in small amounts and feel what comes up. When I ask people to explore taking and allowing by touching their partner on the arm, we only do it for three minutes and it’s limited to the forearm and hand. It might sound easy, but you’d probably be surprised at how much information we can get from that experiment. We also get different information when people try it with me, rather than their partner. Or they might go home and try it with a trusted friend or housemate. Each variation gives us different data about it, and all of it is useful. (You can get more info about these explorations on Betty’s website.)

It can also be helpful to try this exercise with the guidance of a coach or therapist. When I do that with my clients, I can see things that they might miss. For example, I can often spot it when the taker shifts into giving. Or I might notice that the allower doesn’t seem to be enjoying it and has shifted into compliance. Or I might need to step in if one of them seems checked out. If you’re working with a therapist already, you could send them the link to Betty’s videos and ask to do the Three Minute Game in a session. Their observations and support can be really useful.

Whatever path you choose, the important thing to remember is that you don’t need to have all the answers. What you need to do is move towards the direction that you want to go and then deal with whatever emerges. Exploring taking and allowing can be an incredibly satisfying and exciting way to do that.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted video call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post Taking Pleasure appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

The Rise and Fall of Erotic Energy

There’s a funny thing that a lot of people do during sex. They focus so much on increasing the level of stimulation that they actually miss out on some of the opportunities to experience incredible pleasure. That’s because one of the most effective ways to enhance your sexual experience is to create a rise and fall of erotic energy.

To make a comparison between sex and food, people often enjoy spicy food more when they balance it with something that cools things down. Sour cream, raita, chutney, yogurt sauce, cheese- these are all ways to calm your taste buds down and allow you to get more flavor. If you go back and forth between spicy food and cooling food, you’ll probably enjoy your food more than if you added more chili oil or hot pepper to every single bite.

Working with the Nervous System

That’s because the nervous system responds to changes in stimulation rather than absolute measurements. You can prove this by filling three bowls with water at different temperatures: cold, warm, and hot. Put one hand in the cold water and one in the hot water for a couple of minutes. Then, put both hands in the warm water. The hand that went from cold to warm will feel like it’s hot, while the one that went from the hot to the warm will feel cold. Your nerves are telling you about the relative change in temperature, not the absolute measurement of temperature.

You can play with the same thing during sex by increasing the stimulation for a bit, allowing things to slow down or cool down, and then ramping things back up again. It can take some practice to figure out how to slow things down enough for this to work, without slowing down so much that you loose your groove. Some ways to try it out:

Change the pace or tempo. Slow things down and then speed them back up.Change the intensity of your touch. Go from deeper touch to lighter sensations.If you’re having penetrative sex, try more shallow and then deeper penetration.Try a different kind of stimulation that’s less intense.

There aren’t any definitive rules about how much to lower and increase the stimulation, or for how long. It changes from one person to the next, from one sexual act to the next, and even from one day to the next. If you pay attention to your partner’s breathing, you’ll start to see the moment when their system slows down. Let them catch their breath and then ramp back up again. For some folks, it’ll be just a few seconds. For others, it’ll take a bit longer.

Pleasure mapping is an effective way to find out which kinds of touch accelerate your partner’s arousal and which ones slow it down. It’s worth investing a little time to figure out because you’ll have more confidence in your ability to track the rise and fall.

Emotions and the Rise and Fall of Erotic Energy

When you slow things down, it’s important to do it without making it feel like disconnection or disengagement. If you’re massaging your partner’s shoulders, take things down by going lighter but keep the skin contact. If you’re giving your partner a blow job. focus attention on the base of the penis rather than the head. If you’re using your hands for G-spot pleasure, make your movements softer or less direct. If you suddenly stop what you’re doing and withdraw, if can feel really jarring or even be a total buzzkill. Folks who run attachment anxiety might even go into emotional flooding or feel abandoned if the slow down is too much or too sharp. Remember- it doesn’t take a lot of sour cream to balance out that spicy food.

Working with the rise and fall of erotic energy can also help you be less focused on the “goal” of sex and pay more attention to the experience. This is especially important for folks who feel pressure when it comes to sex. I once coached a male-female couple where the guy had a lot of emotion invested in “making” her orgasm. During oral sex, he’d increase the speed and intensity because he thought that would be pleasurable, and he had internalized the idea that a “real man” can make his partner orgasm. Although she didn’t know that this was going on in his head, she felt pressured to orgasm because if she didn’t, he would go into a shame spiral. So he was trying harder and harder, which was overstimulating her and switching her arousal off. She started to avoid oral sex with him because it was too intense.

As we unpacked all of this and explored the different dynamics that were at play, they started talking about how it felt uncomfortable for her when he kept trying harder and harder. He talked about his expectations and fears around her sexual response. When they began to play with the rise and fall, he was more able to attune to her level of arousal and she learned to relax into the experience. Unsurprisingly, oral sex became more fun for both of them, whether she had an orgasm or not. Clearly, there was more to this situation than the rise and fall, and it took some time before they were ready to explore it. But when they did, it made all the difference.

Another way to play with this is to reduce the physical stimulation and focus on the emotional connection. Make eye contact with each other and tell your partner how much fun you’re having, or how much you care for them. Slow down the genital touch and make small circles with the palm of your other hand on their heart. Ask them if there’s anything that would make this experience even better for them. Take a couple of calming breaths together.

When you bring some emotional connection or care into a sexual experience, you activate the Social Engagement System, which is part of the ventral vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). That automatically slows everything down. After a few minutes, you can pick things back up again. Plus, the erectile response of the penis, clitoris, nipples and other erogenous zones is a function of the PNS. I have a (admittedly, unproven) theory that activating the PNS through the Social Engagement System can enhance the relaxation of the blood vessels that causes erection of the penis and clitoris.

Some Final Tips

Playing with the rise and fall is a great way to build erotic energy and enhance your connection. But when your partner is getting close to orgasm, changing what you’re doing can short-circuit the entire experience. At some point in the process, your best bet is to stick with what you’re doing. Since everyone is a little different, there aren’t any clear rules about when to make that shift. One way to make it easier to figure out is to have a verbal cue for when someone is getting close. Not only does that help you track where things are, it might be really hot when your partner gasps “don’t stop” or “keep doing that.”

You don’t need to include this in every sexual experience. If you’re having a quickie before going to work, there probably isn’t time for much rise and fall. In fact, in those circumstances, it might be annoying to have your partner trying to extend things. Paying attention to the moment and your partner is going to be more important.

Going from a high level of stimulation to a low level can be pretty jarring, especially if the decrease is sudden or sharp. It can even trigger a shame reaction, especially if it’s a surprise. You might find that exploring the rise and fall works better when you make the transitions smooth and gradual. And if you’re trying this with someone with whom you have an established sexual history, it’s probably a good idea to talk with them about it first. That can help keep it from being a surprise.

Lastly, some folks don’t want as much intensity in their sexual experiences. For that matter, some people don’t like spicy food. If you try the rise and fall and you find that it makes things too intense, that’s 100% fine. There are lots of ways to enjoy sex, and this is only one possibility. The essential thing is that you find the things that work for you.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted video call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post The Rise and Fall of Erotic Energy appeared first on Make Sex Easy.