Charlie Glickman's Blog, page 4

Cisgenderfluid

“How do you identify?”

That’s often a tough question for me to answer. As a general rule, I’ve shifted away from identifying as anything because I’ve found that when I do, it can be hard to let go of that self-identity when things change. In my experience, life brings lots of surprises that are difficult enough to navigate without adding the challenges of changing an identity. When I hear people say things like “I can’t be attracted to that person. I’m straight/gay/queer/lesbian/kinky/vanilla/etc.”, I see how their identity crisis is complicating their situation and I try to avoid setting myself up like that.

At the same time, there are words that I sometimes use to describe myself because they convey some useful information. Some of them are: queer, kinky, poly, able-bodied, white, Jewish, pagan, atheist, male, and cisgender. But many of these have been mutable over time.

In the last couple of years, I’ve been playing more with gender. I’ve always run a lot of yin energy and I’ve had a lot of fun exploring how that plays out in my life. On an energetic level, I feel very balanced between male and female and I like how that works for me. At the same time, using words like “genderfluid” to describe myself hasn’t felt accurate. I’ve called myself cisgender because it seems to accurately describe my baseline. I’m very present in my masculine body and in being a man. I’m also very aware of how I move through the world and that I receive the privilege that cisgender folks accrue. I know that receiving cisgender privilege feels like a misgendering to some people, but it doesn’t feel like that to me (even while I resent living in a world that gives me that privilege while denying it to so many others). I don’t experience tension or conflict between how I feel physically and how I feel energetically and emotionally, and I don’t think that transgender fits how I feel. So how do I describe myself when I’m simultaneously a cisgender man and genderfluid?

Obviously, by creating a new word: cisgenderfluid. It honors the cisgender aspects of my life while making room for the gender-creative parts of my psyche and my life. It acknowledges that I don’t face the same challenges that most trans* and other gender-transgressive folks do, and recognizes that I don’t fit into the standard box that masculinity comes in. It gives me the freedom to play with gender and to queer it, and it provides a foundation on which to stand. It makes room for the fact that my baseline is cisgender while creating space for me to step away from that when I feel like it. It expands the conversation about gender in some ways that I really enjoy, and it recognizes that I often occupy the space of both/and.

I’ve been talking with friends about this over the last few weeks and the more I have, the more this word feels like a good description for where I am at this moment in my life. I think there’s a lot of room here to play in and I’m going to check it out for a while. And if you’re curious about these terrains or if you think you might want to explore them, I invite you to come and join me.

The post, Cisgenderfluid, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Waxing Sensual

I got my legs waxed last week. I did it to surprise a lover because I knew they would like it. What I didn’t know was how amazing it would feel.

I’d never removed my leg hair before and it’s been decades since it started growing. I remember being in my teens and seeing it show up my lower legs. I remember being in my early twenties, as it grew further up my thighs. By the time that I was in my early thirties, it had grown all the way up to my waist. It doesn’t show as much as on a lot of other people since my hair is rather light in color, but it’s definitely there.

The “waxing boutique” I went to offers quite a few options for men. I decided to go with them because I’d read the Yelp reviews. Leg waxing for men wasn’t listed on their website, but a quick email exchange let me know that it was an option, so I booked my appointment.

The actual process wasn’t too bad for me. I know that people perceive and process experiences differently, and I definitely know other folks for whom waxing is excruciating, but I didn’t have any problems. A few spots were a little extra ouchy, but all that breathwork I do in yoga, tantra, and kink made it easy to deal with. So did the pre and post skin care the waxer did.

If I’d thought of it, I’d have worn something different to my appointment. My skin felt much more aware of sensations afterward, and my jeans were a bit too rough. I probably could have thought of that since I used to shave my head with a razor and I know how much more sensitive skin becomes when the hair gets removed. My scalp used to be able to feel every little breeze and shift in the air. That just doesn’t happen when I use clippers, even on the shortest setting. I spent the rest of the day in loose cotton pants, letting my skin recover.

For the next couple of days, I savored the way that things felt on my skin. The difference between how track pants, flannel pajamas, and jeans felt was remarkable. Taking a shower was a completely different experience. Getting into bed and having my legs slide down the sheet felt like nothing else. For the last week, I’ve chosen what to wear based on how it feels as much as how it looks.

All of this has had me thinking about how clothes are gendered. Of course, lots has been said about how women’s clothes have useless pockets and are often made from flimsy materials that are guaranteed to fall apart in a few months, while men’s clothes are more often designed for utility and longevity. But what seems to get left out of those conversations is that men’s clothes aren’t generally made to feel good on the skin. The sensation of soft fabric, satin or silk, or velvet against your body isn’t something that many men get to savor without steeping outside of the Act Like a Man Box.

I’d always thought that the only reason why men’s clothes aren’t as sensual to wear was because of the performance of masculinity and the requirement to be tough, to not be sensitive. But perhaps another factor is that body hair (especially when it grows thickly) cuts down on how much sensory input your skin receives. I’d never really thought about the armoring effect that body hair creates until I took it away. Speaking of which, having someone run their hand up my leg without yanking or pulling on hair was another totally different experience. Just saying.

There are a lot of ways in which men are taught to numb ourselves. We’re not supposed to have or express feelings. We’re not supposed to care about pain. We’re told to “walk it off” or to distract ourselves from our discomfort with work, sex, food, alcohol, or video games. We’re supposed to be in charge of the world around us, but we’re not allowed to actually feel it. That makes me wonder- what’s the point? I want to live in the world, to feel it fully, to dive into the physical and enjoy the different flavors, sights, smells, sensations, and feelings that it offers. I refuse to hide from the sensual. I’d rather experience it and learn what it has to tell me. As Mae West said, “I’ll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.”

Getting my legs waxed gave me an opportunity to feel things with a different awareness and presence than I’d had before. The skin is the largest sensory organ we have and turning the volume up on half of my body was a really fun experience. I’m not going to make getting waxed a regular thing. It gets expensive and anyway, I like variety. But I think I’ll do it again sometime, just for fun.

And by the way, I was right. My lover did enjoy it.

The post, Waxing Sensual, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

When Good Intentions Meet Bad Behavior

I recently posted Learning to Ask on Fetlife (one of the most widely-used social networking sites for the S&M scene), and it quickly received a lot of comments. Many of the folks who responded shared that they face a lot of challenges with asking for what they want, or that it took them plenty of practice to figure out how to do it. It seems really relevant to me that so many people who engage in kink struggle with asking, given the importance it has for managing physical, emotional, and sexual safety. Of course, it’s an valuable skill in any erotic context, but it’s even more important when you’re playing on the edges.

There’s a lot that could be said about the comments the post received (and if you’re on Fetlife, you can read them here) but there’s one that I received over email that caught my attention.

How do turn my history of confusion over “bad behavior combined with good intent” into a skill for identifying and dealing with people who don’t know that they have bad behavior?

There are a few different threads to untangle here, but here’s my take on it.

Bringing our actions and intentions into alignment is one of those never-ending practices. No matter how well I, you, or anyone else can do it, there’s are going to be times when there’s a gap between them. Given that, we need to know how to respond when that gap is brought to our attention.

When someone tells me that my actions and intentions aren’t in alignment, or if they tell me that I’ve done something  that caused them pain and/or difficulty, I try to make the first thing out of my mouth “thank you for telling me.” I know that it can be a really difficult thing to call someone out and I find that thanking them for it helps me keep from going into a defensive reaction. I might not agree with what they say, or there might be a misunderstanding, or they might be 100% right. It doesn’t matter- I thank them for telling me.

So one thing I would ask you about the hypothetical person X with good intentions and bad behavior is: how do they respond when you bring such things to their attention. Do they take it seriously? Do they try to hear what you’re saying? Do they brush it off or deny your truth? Do they tell you that you’re crazy or wrong? Or do they ask questions to try to understand your perspective?

If they are able to receive your words, what do they do? Are they able to apologize? Do they understand how to make amends? Can they talk with you about what they can do to bring their actions into alignment with their intentions? Can they commit to a plan? And are they open to receiving feedback in order to continue improving?

If they can do all of that, then they are backing up their good intentions and that’s a good thing. But if they can’t or won’t, then I don’t think their intentions are good enough. I don’t usually use phrases like “good enough,” but I think it’s fitting here because their intentions aren’t enough to motivate positive changes.

Of course, it’s not easy to be called out. It can bring up a lot of shame, which is one reason I say that if you want to understand relationships, you need to understand shame. Building shame resilience makes it less difficult to receive feedback. Being able to say “I’m having a shame reaction,” rather than falling into a shame spiral, isn’t easy. Shame spirals often compel us to attack the person who calls us out, act like they’re wrong or crazy as a way of dodging responsibility, silence them as a way of avoiding the difficult feelings, or jump to apologize so we don’t have to hear them tell us what we did wrong. Someone can have good intentions that get overwhelmed by a shame reaction. And unfortunately, the abusers and the predators often use tactics that look very similar to genuine defense reactions because they work. One key difference is that abusers and predators will often use silence, secrecy, and isolation to protect themselves.

Some other questions that I think worth considering are: how do you respond when those situations happen? And what do you do to take care of yourself and your needs, to address the situation, and to move forward? If it’s an ongoing pattern in your life, it might be worth looking at what you do in those situations. Reflecting on that might provide useful information about these dynamics so you can change how you respond to them.

Along those lines, are there patterns in how these situations play out? For example, do you find yourself in similar situations over and over, whether with the same person or with different people? Is there a cycle happening here? And if there is, where is there room to break the cycle?

This seems really important to me because there are a lot of people who excuse bad behavior by saying that the person who did it didn’t realize that they were doing it. It’s a way of avoiding the hard task of calling them out and dealing with the consequences that can have for our relationships and our communities. It keeps us trapped in unchanging cycles of abuse, and it needs to change.

Something that helped me shift my thinking around it was having someone point out to me that malice isn’t required for abuse to happen. Sure, some people are certainly malicious. And many others are acting out of pain, or habit, or training, or lack of positive role models, or a history of trauma and abuse. They might be trying to protect themselves from situations that feel scary or threatening to them. They might be acting in response to being triggered. All of that can be real without changing the fact that their actions are abusive. Once I realized that, I stopped making excuses for people who seemed to be reacting to their pain. My strategies for responding to them might be different than what I would do in response to malice, but I don’t let it keep me from speaking up anymore.

Because here’s what it all boils down to. If someone is causing problems and genuinely doesn’t realize it, then telling them about it is the only way they can change. If they genuinely have good intentions, then as hard as it can be, they will want to know so they can adjust accordingly. In that case, there’s no reason to not tell them. And if their intentions aren’t good, then telling them and seeing how they respond lets you know that. In those situations, you don’t need to excuse their behavior because they don’t actually mean well. Either way, it’s a net gain for you. And depending on the details, it might be a net gain for the people around you and your community.

The post, When Good Intentions Meet Bad Behavior, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Learning To Ask

Do you ever have difficulty asking for what you want? I used to, and it’s taken a lot of practice to be able to change that. On a recent trip, I had a great reminder of how important it is to be able to build that skill.

When I got to the gate for my flight home, I saw an open seat at the end of one of the rows with electrical outlets. There were two sockets between each pair of seats, and at each of the two other seats in my row, there was a person using both of them- one for a phone and one for a computer. I noticed that the person at the far end had an iphone and a macbook, so I knew that they could charge their phone from their computer. The person in the middle had a droid, with a charger that I could see wouldn’t work from the USB port.

There was a time when I would have sat in my seat and silently resented these strangers because I wouldn’t have wanted to inconvenience them. I’d have kept quiet because I wouldn’t have wanted to speak up, to risk being thought rude, or to have my request turned down. Fortunately, I’ve grown out of that. I stood in between them both, faced them and said this:

Excuse me, but I’d like to charge my phone. If you (turn to person number one) charge your phone from your computer, and if you (turn to person number two) move one of your cords over, then I can charge my phone. Would either of you mind?

Neither of them did and we all got to charge our gadgets.

It got me thinking- how many times did I hold back from asking for what I wanted because I didn’t want to cause anyone any hassle? How many times did I make myself small because I didn’t want to risk having to deal with the other person’s anger? How many times did I keep quiet because I didn’t want to risk being rejected? And how many hours of my life went into quietly seething, and getting even more upset because the other person didn’t even notice how I was feeling?

There were lots of different reasons I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted, so it took quite a while to work through them and learn how to do it. I had to learn how to put my requests into words, how to hear a “no” without going into a rejection/shame loop, how to stand my ground in the face of someone else’s anger, how to collaborate to find a solution that would work for everyone, and how to talk with someone who has less-than-adequate communication skills. I also learned a lot about how patterns of gender, race, and culture shape what people think is acceptable to ask for, what kinds of responses are allowed, and some ways to navigate that.

With all of those pieces to the puzzle, it’s no wonder that it took me a while to feel confident in my ability to stand on my two feet without being either aggressive or defensive. It’s easy to tell someone that they just need to speak up but there’s a lot more to it than that. In art, music, and relationships, the most simple pieces often take the most skill to create.

Fortunately, I once received a piece of advice that has served me well. You don’t need to be perfect- you simply need to move in the direction you want to go in. When something gets in your way, you can look for how to deal with it, change directions, go around, or move through it. But you don’t need to wait for perfection to start that journey because all you need to deal with is whatever is in front of you. And when you’ve taken care of it, you can continue moving forward until the next hurdle.

So I practiced making requests of the people in my life. I started with the folks who I felt I could be vulnerable with. I told some close friends that I was trying to get better at asking for things and that I was going to try practicing with them. I started with smaller things and worked my way up to making more important requests. I asked for the opportunity for do-overs if something didn’t come out of my mouth as well as I wanted. I made mistakes and learned a lot about where my barriers to asking for what I wanted came from. I talked about it a lot with my therapist, with my partner, with my friends. I developed shame resilience and increased my ability to deal with hearing a “no.” And eventually, I got to the point where it wasn’t so difficult.

As I stepped up and got better at make requests, I also learned how to look for ways to make things work for everyone. And I discovered that I’d built some momentum. My capacity to have those previously-impossible conversations increased until I didn’t even hesitate anymore. And that’s when things started to get a lot easier.

So I don’t want to make it sound like it’s just a matter of walking up to someone and asking for what you want. There are lots of moving parts to that. But it’s worth the effort. And not only will it help you in your relationships, you’ll be able to get on a plane with a fully-charged phone, too.

The post, Learning To Ask, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Why Men Need to Learn How to Not Be “That Guy”

Melissa McEwan over at Shakesville wrote a piece today about why she thinks that straight men shouldn’t write articles or blogs telling other men how to not be creepy. She makes some good points, though I think she also misses some key points.

Her first argument is that when men talk about creepiness, they tend to frame it as something that other men do:

I would wager that virtually all of the men who have behaved toward me in ways described as “creepy” don’t consider themselves creepy. “Creepy” is something other dudes are. If you want to have a serious talk with men about their interactions with women, you can’t use language that very few of the men who need to take this lesson believe applies to them.

There’s certainly some truth to this. A lot of men have no idea that they’re being creepy, and plenty of other men don’t care if they are or not. But I think she’s wrong about how “virtually all of the men” think about themselves.

See, here’s the thing- almost all of the messages that boys and men receive about how to approach someone for sex, how to ask for what you want, how to perform masculinity, and how to deal with rejection teach us to push someone’s boundaries. They teach us to not take no for an answer. They teach us that sexual success is measured by how often you have sex, rather than the pleasure and joy of the participants. All of these messages teach men to be creepy.

As a man who is both deeply committed to being an ally to women, and as a man who is deeply committed to crafting an honest, authentic, passionate life, I’ve struggled with these messages. I had to learn through trial and error (and unfortunately, far more error than I wish) because I didn’t have a single role model to point the way. And I find it troubling that anyone who wants to create a world of gender equality would advocate for men not stepping up and taking that on.

Many of the men who come to my workshops are really worried about being creepy. They genuinely want to learn how to flirt with women, and to be romantic and sexual with women. And they want to do it without being creepy. So unless someone offers them useful tools for how to do that and helps them see how we need to resist the patterns of sexism, sexual intrusion, and gender roles, how does Ms McEwan think that will happen?

Personally, I’m not a big fan of othering the creeps. I know that I’ve done things that were creepy, simply because I didn’t know how to not do them. I agree with Ms McEwan that nothing good comes from pretending that it’s those “other guys.” But I disagree with her that men talking about creepiness has to use that false dichotomy. The fact that it often has doesn’t mean that it must. Rather than shutting down men’s voices, I’d rather create a call to action for the guys who get it, so they can stand up and be heard.

In her second point, Ms McEwan argues that many of the writings on the topic focus on the well-intentioned and clueless men, while ignoring the existence of predators. I totally agree with that. I also agree that there are predators who will take the lessons meant for non-predatory men and use them to camouflage their intentions, just as they often pretend to be “hapless dude[s] who just didn’t know any better” when they get caught.

But I’m still not convinced that the way to deal with that is by not making room for men to teach each other how to navigate consent, communication, boundaries, expectations, and relationships. She says that “If those [well-intentioned but clueless] guys want to not harm women, they’ll learn even if you target your allyship in a way that centers accountability for any harm, irrespective of intent.” How, precisely, are men supposed to learn these things if we don’t ever talk about how to do it? After all, it’s not as if guys are discussing their relationships at the corner bar. And it’s not like most people get to watch other folks talk about their sexual desires in healthy, respectful ways. So unless there are books, workshops, or websites to learn from, how can that possibly happen?

At the same time, I 100% agree that men also need to learn that we are accountable for any harm we do, whatever the reason. As important as they are, intentions don’t matter when it’s time to make amends. And you don’t get to pull the “Golly! I had no idea that wasn’t ok.” card more than once. Men who use that excuse over and over, without taking steps to change how they act, place themselves firmly on the douchebag-rapist spectrum. But we can hold onto that AND the fact that boys and men need to teach each other how to act honorably.

Ms McEwan’s third point is that men need to make room for women to talk about these issues:

Instead, invite a woman to write a piece about consent from her perspective, then leverage your male privilege to endorse and champion it. Host it in your space. Invite other men to listen to what your female guest writer has to say. The thing about “creeps” is that they don’t respect women; they don’t listen to us; they don’t empathize with us.

If you really want men to not harm women, then find ways of encouraging them to respect, listen to, and empathize women. To see what “creepiness” looks like from our perspective.

Yes. This. A lot. But it’s also not enough. It’s not enough because cisgender women have no idea what it’s like to live as a cisgender man, to grow up being shamed into masculinity. You don’t have that lived experience, any more than I have the lived experience of being shamed into femininity. This doesn’t have to be an either/or. We can serve as allies and support women, and we can also show men what it means to “respect, listen to, and empathize [with] women.” We need to model it to each other, we need to teach each other how to do it, and we need to hold ourselves and each other accountable. One way we can do that is by writing about it. (And yes, the fact that I’m not straight makes a difference in how I approach this issue.)

Do I think that straight men teaching other straight men how to not be creepy is necessarily a good thing? Not at all. I think McEwan drops a lot of truthbombs in her post. And I’m troubled by the fact that a lot of the marketing behind the “how to not be creepy” books and articles rests on a foundation of “this is how to get laid.” Acting like an ethical, honorable person because it’ll make it easier to have sex is creepy. Fighting the cultural programming and learning to be an ethical, honorable person is not. Unfortunately, most of the writing I’ve seen on the topic is the former. I think we need to see more of the latter.

That’s why Sabrina Morgan and I started teaching “How to Not Be ‘That Guy’”, our workshop on this topic. We’ll be in San Diego on February 5 and in Oakland, CA on February 26. While these presentations are focused on the tantra/sacred sex communities, you don’t have to be part of them to attend. We also have a more general version that focuses on heterosexual men, and we teach this workshop for many different communities, including queer men, transgender men, the BDSM community, the polyamory/open relationship world, and other sex-positive circles.

We also both offer our services as sex coaches. I work with individuals and couples over Skype, and we both do in-person sessions. So when you’re ready to figure all this out, or when you need some support to improve any part of your sexual and romantic life, get in touch!

The post, Why Men Need to Learn How to Not Be “That Guy”, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

What Does “Sexual Success” Mean?

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself what a successful sexual experience is?

It’s an important question because how you answer it says a lot about your attitudes and beliefs about sex. And that has a big impact on the kinds of experiences you’re creating and the sexual relationships you build.

One of the more common definitions of “sexual success,” at least for male/female dynamics, is intercourse that leads to orgasm. And while the inclusion of a woman’s orgasm in that formula is an improvement over definitions that leave it out, this way of thinking about sexual success is still wrapped up in the goal-oriented and limited model that so often results in embarrassment or shame.

Take, for example, what happens if someone is taking a blood pressure medication that causes him to not get erections. Or if someone has endometriosis or another health issue that makes vaginal penetration uncomfortable or painful. Or if someone doesn’t orgasm reliably from intercourse. Or if they’re facing emotional or relationship difficulties that make it hard to relax into pleasure. For a lot of people in these kinds of situations, their sexual difficulties are magnified by their belief that they’re failing at sex.

One response to that is to push harder for a quick fix or a pill or a magic recipe that will allow for the kind of sex that they imagine will solve their problems. I once had a client who came to me because he wasn’t getting erections and he wanted to know if Viagra or a cock ring would help. It turned out that he was under an incredible amount of stress- he’d lost his job, his house was in foreclosure, and he and his wife were talking about divorce. But it was the fact that he wasn’t getting erections that finally prompted him to get help.

He had no idea that stress can cause erection difficulties. It makes sense- when your fight or flight response kicks in, that’s probably not a good time to be having sex. And your body doesn’t care if the adrenaline is coming from being chased by a hungry tiger or from a looming work deadline. In fact, I don’t consider what this man was facing to be “erectile dysfunction” since his body was actually functioning just right, even if it was inconvenient. Unfortunately, his ideas around sexual success (not to mention the Act Like a Man Box) had him convinced he was failing at sex.

It’s not just men who face this, of course. A lot of women in similar situations fall into this trap, too. And while many queer folks have redefined what sex means to them, others are still convinced that a particular sex act or a specific response makes sex successful. Another client I worked with had a very idiosyncratic sexual response and she needed the right combination of sensations to orgasm. For her, oral sex was pleasurable but it wasn’t ever going to be on the list. Her girlfriend, however, was determined to make her orgasm from oral sex. She was convinced that her oral skills were top-notch and that they should be enough. The two of them were on the verge of breaking up because they each felt like they were failing at sex, when what they needed to do was rethink that success meant.

One way that I know that a client is stuck in their definition of sexual success is that they talk about how sex “should be.” As in: I should be able to get an erection when I want to, or I should be able to make her orgasm from oral sex. Any time I hear the word “should,” I look for the underlying shame because it’s almost always there, and sexual shame is often intertwined with the idea of success of failure.

Fortunately, there’s a way out of the trap of sexual success. All you need to do is redefine what it means. My personal definition is that a sexual experience is successful if everyone has a smile on their face at the end of it. It doesn’t matter what sex acts you do, and it doesn’t even matter if orgasms happen. If you both/all have smiles when you’re done, that’s a successful time. Imagine how much easier sex would be if more people could come to it from that perspective.

Of course, there are further nuances to this. There are a lot of reasons why someone might not be smiling after sex. They might not have had their needs or desires attended to. Something might have happened that triggered them. They could have had some physical discomfort or pain. In those situations, I still wouldn’t consider it a failure if the experience became an opportunity for growth. Scientists often say that an experiment is only a failure if you don’t learn anything from it.

So even if a specific sexual encounter doesn’t result in smiles, it’s still a success if you take the experience and use it to build towards the next time.

When you shift your thinking around this, it opens up a lot more room to play and have fun in bed (or wherever else you happen to be). If something comes up and one kind of sex isn’t available, there are still lots of other ways to enjoy yourselves, and they all count as a win. That takes the pressure off and makes more room for you to have a great time.

Rethinking what sexual success means to you can take some practice, especially when feelings of embarrassment or shame arise. It’s not always an easy path to follow, but it’s worth the effort. As difficult as it can be, the payoff is happier, healthier relationships and more fun sex. As a sex coach, I help a lot of people find their way there and I’d be happy to talk with you about how I can be of service to you. If you’re feeling stuck, check out my sex coaching site and get in touch!

The post, What Does “Sexual Success” Mean?, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

January 2014 Workshops: Portland OR, Oakland, & San Francisco

Are you ready to get your new year off to a sexy start? I have some upcoming workshops that’ll be sure to help! Here’s all the info:

The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure

January 18, 4-6 pm

At the Lotus Heart Center, 4124 N. Mississippi Avenue, Portland, OR

$15 in advance, $20 at the door

Get tickets here.

Are you curious about prostate play? Or maybe you’ve tried you’re tried it and want some tips to make it even more fun? Charlie Glickman PhD, author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and their Partners, will give you all the info you need to see for yourself why more men and their partners are discovering how much fun prostate stimulation can be. He’ll talk about the common concerns that sometimes keep people from exploring it (and how to overcome them), tips for easy and pleasurable anal penetration, prostate massage, which toys work best for prostate fun, pegging, combining prostate pleasure with other kinds of sex, and much more. Whether you’re just starting out or you already enjoy prostate play, come learn some new ways to make sex lots of fun!

A Somewhat Kinky Sensation Play Party

January 18, 8 pm – 1 am

At the Lotus Heart Center, 4124 N. Mississippi Avenue, Portland, OR

$20

Get tickets here

Curious are you? Come experience a taste of kinky at our Sensation Play Party, where experienced facilitators will help you uncover hidden and not so hidden places in the recesses of your desire.

Before we get started, kids, there will be a short class by teachers Charlie Glickman, PhD, and Gabriella Cordova on kink etiquette, boundary setting, and other useful information (if you don’t pass the test you will be sent to the corner of the room where you will be suitably disciplined.) We will help you ascertain, if you are a top, bottom, or switch (but you probably already have a suspicion!)

Next, you will be introduced to our various tasting stations where you can go and try out things you’ve, always fantasized about or that you simply can’t get enough of. After that we will turn you lose to play on your own, under the watchful eyes of our Kinky Angels. For this part you can opt to stay with your partner(s) or be paired up, your choice.

Menu of Sensations (blindfolded or not, your choice)

• Tied up

• Tickled

• Hair play (soft to hard)

• Massage (gentle to savage)

• Fur, gloves, spikes, brushes, scarves, metal

• Sensory deprivation

• Tastes

If you are experienced, and want to be one of the givers or if you would like to serve as an Angel, contact Gabriella (503-750-2323).

Come in costume or bring something sexy to slip into; toplesness is very okay at this event.

Special note: If you identify as a straight male, we ask that you come with a female counterpart, otherwise, be prepared to simply observe.

Sex-Positivity- Understand it, Love it, Live it!

January 19, 2-4 pm

At the Lotus Heart Center, 4124 N. Mississippi Avenue, Portland, OR

$15 in advance, $20 at the door

Get tickets here.

Sex-positivity is a term that gets used a lot, but what does it really mean? What does it look like, and what can we do with it? There’s a lot to unpack, which means we have a lot of different ways to work with it. Charlie Glickman PhD has been exploring these questions for over twenty years and he’ll guide you through the tangle. Gabriella Cordova has been actively redefining and guiding the sex-positive movement in Portland through the creation of such events as ErosFest, Sex at Dawn at the Bagdad Theater, and Sex-Positive Portland, the Meetup group. And she has been fervently spreading the gospel through her nonprofit by the same name, to cities far and wide.

~ An way of thinking?

~ A movement?

~ A revolution?

~ How does sex-negativity affect me, and why is sex positivity important?

Together, through presentation and guided discussion, we’ll examine some of the negative ideas towards sex that shape personal and cultural attitudes, examine what sex-positivity is, explore some useful tools for integrating sex-positivity into our work (for therapists, physicians, social workers, parents), and talk about the limits of sex-positivity as a concept. The more you understand what sex-positivity means to you, the more easily you can open to it, talk about, and live it. Whether you’re new to the idea or you’ve been working with it for years, come get some new ways to talk about sexuality and sex-positivity!

For more info about Charlie, check out his website and follow him on Twitter and Facebook. To learn about Gabriella, go to her website and follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Intro to The Energetics of Sexual Ecstasy

January 20, 8-10 pm

1080 23rd Ave., Oakland, CA

$30 a single $50 a pair

A Google Calendar For Sexuality Conferences and Events

I found a google calendar that tracks sexological conferences and I’ve been getting more requests to share it, so I thought I’d post it instead. Please note that this isn’t my project and I am not responsible for the accuracy of what gets included.

The person who manages it focuses on the social science side of things rather than the medical side, but there are lots of good ones here. Each event listing shows the date and the website. There’s often a little bit more info about it, but not always. Also, there’s an email address embedded in each event listed for the person who manages it, so if there’s an event you’d like to suggest you can contact them with info.

If you use iCal or google calendar, you can use these links to subscribe to it. You can also track it in an RSS feed or just open the html link to read it in your browser.

HTML

RSS Feed

iCal

The post, A Google Calendar For Sexuality Conferences and Events, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Now That Movember Is Over, Take Your Prostate Health Into Your Own Hands

It’s the last day of Movember, and while it’s awesome that so many folks are working to raise awareness of prostate cancer and related health issues, I think it’s time to take action into your own hands.

Did you know that massage can increase the health of your prostate? Yes, it’s not just something that feels amazing- it’s good for you, too. Massage increases blood flow, no matter which part of the body you’re working on. And increased blood flow brings more oxygen in and gets rid of carbon dioxide and other waste products that can build up in your cells.

Not only that, but the prostate is made up of millions of microscopic glands that can get blocked or backed up. Prostate massage can clear up those blockages and release trapped fluids. Some experts believe that this can improve overall prostate health. In addition, bacteria can sometimes build up in the prostate and form a biofilm. That’s a layer or coating that protects the bacteria, like the plaque that forms on teeth, and it makes it harder for your immune system to get to work. Massage breaks up that biofilm and lets your body’s defenses do their job. And if you have a bacterial infection, massage makes it easier for the medication to target the bacteria.

Want another benefit to prostate massage? A lot of guys have chronically tight pelvic muscles. In fact, one of the causes of prostatitis is tight muscles that compress and irritate the gland. It can be tricky to treat since the symptoms are so similar to a bacterial infection, but antibiotics won’t work. It turns out that massage can release those tight muscles, decrease pain, and improve health.

Plus, when you’re familiar with your prostate from a pleasure perspective, it can make it easier to recognize when you have a health issue. It’s common for men to simply feel discomfort or pain, without knowing exactly what’s going on. But here’s a quote from one of the men we surveyed for The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure:

When I had a bacterial prostate infection, I could feel the swelling and the heat in my prostate. I knew that’s where it was because I was familiar with my prostate from having done prostate play many times. So I was able to tell my doctor that’s what it felt like, which she confirmed with an exam.

That saved this guy a lot of stress ad unnecessary lab tests.

And lastly, if you have an enlarged prostate (BPH), you might have symptoms like difficulty with urination or frequently feeling the urge to urinate. Prostate massage can often relieve these symptoms and make your life much easier.

So if you’re ready to do more than wear a mustache and you want to increase your health and your pleasure, pick up a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure and see for yourself how much fun is in store for you. After all, how often does something that’s so good for you feel so amazing?

The post, Now That Movember Is Over, Take Your Prostate Health Into Your Own Hands, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

The Importance of Microacceptance

I was recently in a conversation about microagressions and the impact they have on sexuality. When I think of microagressions, I think of someone getting poked in the same spot over and over. Each one doesn’t seem like much, but they add up to cause a deep bruise and a flinch reaction. While there’s no denying the pain caused by a single hard punch, it’s a lot easier to ignore or discount the cumulative effects of microagressions because each one seems so minor. But not only do they build up, they set an overall tone that can be even more painful to live with than a single traumatic event.

The flip side to that is that a consistent practice of offering small moments of acceptance goes much further than a single big moment. One of the most important things you can do for the people you love is to give them microacceptances on a regular basis.

A microacceptance tells your partner, your child, or your friend that you care about them. It demonstrates your positive regard for them, and shows that you value them as they are. It’s a gentle trickle of love that washes away shame much more effectively that a blast from a hose. Microacceptances create a foundation for a happy, healthy relationship.

Of course, microacceptances only work when you really mean them. If you’re holding anger, resentment, or judgement, that will get in the way of a genuine expression of acceptance. Learning to work through those difficult feelings and rebuild the interpersonal bridge takes effort, but it’s an investment that pays off.

It’s amazing how often people say things like, “My child/partner/friend knows that I love them.” I always want to ask how they can be so sure of that. Love and acceptance require attention and tending in order to thrive. And entropy increases everywhere, including in our relationships. When we don’t give them our attention, they start to fall apart.

In his book The Science of Trust, John Gottman observes that when we hold difficult emotions like anger or shame, we think about the situation that brought it up because we want to find a way to resolve it. It’s like a pebble in your shoe that you can’t ignore. But when a situation is positive, the memory often begins to fade because there’s been completion and closure. That’s why it’s much easier to remember the birthday party that ended in disaster than the one that was super fun.

That means that we need to keep offering microacceptances because we need to remind the people we love (and ourselves) that we value them. We need to refresh their memories and make sure that they don’t fade. It’s not that they take us for granted- it’s just how human beings process experiences. Plus, when our loved ones have a moment of shame, it’s a lot easier for them to trust that we still care for them when they’ve been getting regular reminders.

I was once part of a community work group that ended each meeting by going around the circle and having each of us tell the next person one thing that we appreciated about them. It could be something they said that night, or the amazing outfit they had on, or acknowledging something they wrote on the email list, or anything else. The only rules were that it had to be genuine and that the proper response was “thank you.”

When I first joined the group, this was the hardest part of the night for me. It was difficult for me to receive appreciation without immediately reciprocating. But it got easier and over time, these microacceptances helped me become more comfortable in my skin and in that community. And when conflict did occasionally happen, it was a lot easier to work through it because we knew that our baseline was positive. It’s a simple practice, and it’s an easy one to implement.

If microacceptances seem too difficult to do or if you don’t think they’ll make a difference, give them a shot. Tell your child that they did a great job with their chores. Thank your partner for doing the dishes. Let your friend know that you see how hard they work to care for their parents. If they’re surprised at first, share this article with them and let them know that this is something you want to start doing. You’ll be amazed at how quickly it improves your relationships. And when they start offering you microacceptances, you’ll discover how good it feels to know that someone feels that way about you.

Part of my sex coaching work is assisting people make microacceptance part of their sexual and romantic relationships. If you’re struggling with this and want some support to make it easier, get in touch and let’s talk about how I can help.

Many thanks to the delightful Nadine Thornhill for coming up with this idea with me.

The post, The Importance of Microacceptance, is from Charlie Glickman's website.