Charlie Glickman's Blog, page 2

Safe Space First. Brave Space Second.

In several of the communities and events that I participate in, I’ve seen some ongoing discussions about the differences between a safe space and brave space. While these conversations have been useful to some degree, they often turn into a debate about which one is more important. It seems to me that this creates a false dichotomy. I find that we need both safe spaces and brave spaces. That’s true for relationships as well as communities.

What is a Safe Space?

There are a lot of ways to think about what makes a safe space. I like the way that Galia Godel frames it:

A safe space is a place – online, or in person – where you know that you will feel comfortable and heard. Where the people around you have had similar experiences to you, or who will validate the pain and frustration that you feel in other places. It’s not a place to argue or question. It’s not a place to say “sure, that’s how you feel, but have you considered why the person you interacted with made those choices that hurt you?” or “what is your responsibility to do differently?” A safe space is a place where you finally get to relax, be understood, not have to explain yourself.

This is important because we need to start with safety before we can move into exploring our edges and learn something new. Safety is more than a list of groundrules, though. It’s a sense of ease and relaxation in your body, especially in your nervous system. When we can feel that, and when we have a set of agreements and norms that help each person stay within that comfort zone, the entire body slows down. That feeling of relaxation is the embodied sense of safety.

If we don’t have that as the starting point, our learning edges aren’t fun places to explore and expand our capacities. Instead, they can feel like threats to be avoided. That’s why there has been so much focus on creating safe spaces, especially for people who have generally been denied that sense of safety as they move through the world.

What is a Brave Space?

A brave space is one in which we can move towards our edges to discover what’s just beyond them. The authors of The Art of Effective Facilitation: Reflections From Social Justice Educators list five main elements:

“Controversy with civility,” where varying opinions are accepted“Owning intentions and impacts,” in which students acknowledge and discuss instances where a dialogue has affected the emotional well-being of another person“Challenge by choice,” where students have an option to step in and out of challenging conversations“Respect,” where students show respect for one another’s basic personhood“No attacks,” where students agree not to intentionally inflict harm on one another

These are excellent guidelines for how to support folks as they take a step outside of their comfort zones to take a look at what’s there, and I think they work just as well in relationships as they do in classrooms.

Part of what makes these useful in brave spaces is the definition of bravery. Bravery doesn’t mean ignoring your fear or pretending it isn’t there. Bravery means not letting your fear control you. It means doing the thing that scares you.

We Need Safe Spaces AND Brave Spaces

Learning something new can be uncomfortable, challenging, or even threatening. If we’re going to do it, we need a brave space. But our ability to be in a brave space rests on a foundation of feeling safe. We have to start with an embodied experience of safety before we can comfortably move to our learning edges. That’s why it’s important to begin with a safe space and then, when we’re ready, move into a brave space.

Safe spaces give us an opportunity to titrate our learning by allowing us to dip into new experiences and then shift out of them so we can absorb what we’ve learned. A safe space helps us keep from getting overwhelmed because we can take a break and integrate what we’ve explored. It’s the mental and emotional equivalent of taking a day off from working out so the body can get stronger. If you keep pushing yourself and never give yourself a chance to rest, you’re on the path to emotional flooding, getting overwhelmed, and/or burnout.

On the other hand, if we don’t have a brave space, then we never grow, learn, or change. Without a brave space, we stagnate. We need the opportunity to try something new, examine novel ideas, or simply experiment to see what the results are. None of that can happen if we never leave our safe spaces.

The trick is to be able to move back and forth when we’re ready to and when we need to. That can be difficult since the boundaries of our safe spaces (hopefully) expand as we integrate our experiences, and they contract when something upsetting or triggering has happened. It’s important to allow our safe spaces to flex in response to our circumstances, and trust that when we’re ready for them to expand again, they will.

There isn’t always a clear line to point at and say “here’s the border between safe and brave.” What we can do instead is learn to give our attention to how it feels in our bodies when we feel safe, how we know when we’re ready to be brave, and what’s going on for us when we need to take a break and let things settle in.

Respecting Safe Space

One of the places where I see relationships get stuck in is when one person wants to move forward into their brave space and the other person isn’t ready. Sometimes, that pushback can show up as avoiding the topic, agreeing to something and then not following through, picking fights as a way to distract, or finding excuses to talk about something else. It’s important to listen to that resistance because it’s telling you that someone isn’t ready for the conversation. The more you try to push someone to go faster than they want, the more they’ll resist and the entire process will take even longer.

Instead, take this as an opportunity to ask them what would help them feel safer. Do they need some time alone? Some quiet time together? Some support? Do they need to deal with some other pressing matter first, so they can feel more relaxed and present? Do they need to eat some food or get some sleep so they’ll have more energy and focus? Maybe they need someone to guide the process, like a mediator, a coach, or a therapist. Or maybe they need to take some time to figure out what’s going on for them before having a conversation.

It’s important that you enhance or build safety without being so focused on the goal of getting to the brave space. If you’re coming to this with that outcome in mind, you aren’t creating authentic safety. That can skew the entire process. Instead, try to trust that once safety has been established and experienced, there will be opportunities to move into bravery. That can take some practice, and it gets easier once you’ve been through this a few times.

On the other side of the equation, if you need some support in order to feel safe enough to step into your brave space, that’s totally fair. But you also have a responsibility to take care of yourself, and then return to your partner to talk. It isn’t fair to avoid the discussion by saying that you don’t feel safe, and then never do anything to move forward. That erodes trust and decreases your partner’s safety.

The purpose isn’t to use safety as a way to never deal with things. Instead, it’s a tool to give your system a chance to settle down, find your feet, and then return to the conversation. This often becomes a practice of doing whatever is not your habit. If you tend to push yourself extra hard, then this is an opportunity to explore slowing down and focusing on safety. If your habit is to pull back, withdraw, or avoid, then you might look for ways to increase your safety with an eye towards proactively engaging in the conversation. But either way, the first step is still all about safety.

It’s Worth The Investment

Creating a safe space and a brave space might seem like they take a lot of time. But I find that in most situations, it’s an investment that pays off because the conversations that follow will be less difficult and more efficient. If it seems like a huge process, that might be because there’s a backlog of old emotions, especially anger and resentment. It can be hard to create safety for someone if you’re resenting them, and it can be hard to trust that safety exists if you know the other person is feeling resentment.

That’s one reason it can be useful to work with a coach or therapist, both individually and as a pair (whether it’s a romantic relationship or not). It’s helpful to have a space where you can work through your feelings, say whatever comes up without worrying about how it comes out, and identify what you need in order to begin to work together.

Even if that isn’t a structure that would work for you, it’s still a good idea to think about what you might need in order to establish both a safe space and a brave space. Once you have, figure out what you can do to make that happen. At first, it might feel unnecessary. But after you’ve done it, you’ll probably see the payoff pretty quickly. And that makes all the difference.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy

The post Safe Space First. Brave Space Second. appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

Successful Sex Coaching: Slow and Steady Will Get You There Faster

When I talk with people about sex coaching and how it can help them, it sometimes becomes apparent that they’re looking for a transformative, cathartic experience that will change everything about their sex lives. This seems to be especially common when they’re asking about somatic sex coaching, but it also happens when they’re curious about the talk-oriented work that I do.

There are a lot of reasons why people think that catharsis is the most effective approach. We get a lot of messages about quick solutions, get rich quick schemes, instant success, and amazing experiences that totally change lives and relationships. We live in a “take this pill and your problems will be fixed” world. And there are a lot of coaches, workshops, and online programs that promise to instantly transform your life in only a few weeks. Though if you don’t have immediate success with them, they’ll tell you that you didn’t work hard enough or you aren’t the right fit for their program.

In my experience, the catharsis model is far less effective than the folks who sell it claim. You might have a deeply profound encounter that gives you new perspective on your situation, but I find that it’s not nearly as sustainable as a slower approach. That doesn’t mean that there’s no value to it. A catharsis can give you a preview of you where you can go, which can give you hope and inspiration to do the work to get there. But I’ve seen far too many people bounce from one “transformational” workshop, program, or guru to another, without ever seeming to get to the root of their problems. They’re so focused on where they want to be that they never look at the ground in front of them to figure out their next steps.

My approach to sex coaching is to focus on the incremental, less flashy steps that create a stronger foundation and true progress. Rather than trying to create sudden changes, I find it more effective to explore how the body, mind, and heart can integrate new experiences and expand their capacity to move out of the comfort zone and into the learning edges.

That doesn’t mean that the comfort zone is a bad place to be. On the contrary, you need time to rest, to integrate, and to let things settle. If you constantly push yourself to go, go, go, you won’t improve or grow nearly as quickly. Just ask a weightlifter, a marathon runner, or a swimmer- if you want to get stronger, you need to give your body time to rest and recover. Your heart and mind work the same way. We need to come back to the comfort zone and take a  break.

Not only that, but the comfort zone is where we find the safety and security that allow us to confidently explore our edges. You can see this in practice when young children check in with their parents every so often, and then go back out onto the playground. It isn’t just kids who do this. One of the most effective approaches to adult learning is to create safety so that people will feel comfortable, and then offer useful, relevant information to help them learn. Without safety, learning isn’t as effective.

The trick is to know when to stretch and when to rest. That takes practice, and it takes a willingness to track what happens when you overdo it and when you don’t do enough. It takes time to figure out how those patterns work in your system, and then find ways to use that information to decide how to move forward. Sometimes, you might go a little bit too far, which can leave you feeling tender, dealing with a shameover, or simply needing to rest. At other times, you might not push enough and end up feeling like you’re stagnating. Calibrating your pace can be tricky.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to decide that this approach is too slow, and that a catharsis is the way to go. But when you blow past your comfort zone and shatter your boundaries, you can actually set yourself back because the experience is too big or too much for your system to absorb. It can leave you emotionally injured or traumatized, simply because you went more quickly than you could handle. It’s the emotional equivalent of a torn muscle or a dislocated shoulder from exercising harder than your body was ready for. And when that happens, you end up losing more time to healing and recovery.

It can be difficult to be patient with a slower process, especially if you’ve waited until things were in crisis before starting the work. It’s hard to not talk yourself into going a little faster or pushing a little harder so you can get through it more quickly. And given how seductive the catharsis model is, it can be challenging to take a breath and let things integrate. But overcoming sexual challenges and learning new approaches to embodiment, pleasure, and sex will happen much more smoothly when you do. You really will get there faster when you slow down and focus on keeping a steady pace. And you’ll discover more things about yourself, your sexuality, your relationships, and your pleasure along the way.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post Successful Sex Coaching: Slow and Steady Will Get You There Faster appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

Having Feelings

There’s a phrase that a lot of people use when talking about their feelings. They’ll start their sentences with “I am…” As in:

I’m angry.I’m sad.I’m scared.

From a grammar angle, these ways of expressing emotions aren’t any different than saying “I’m hungry” or “I’m ready to leave the party.” But when you look at it from the perspective of how people process feelings, there’s a big difference.

If I say to you “I’m angry,” it’s easy for me to equate my anger with my entire self. I can forget that although the emotion is intense and is taking up most or all of my attention, it’s not actually everything there is about me. Even if the feeling is incredibly powerful and consuming, it isn’t the only thing I’m experiencing in that moment. I might also feel tired, sad, sleepy, excited, pain, or distracted. But if I say “I’m angry,” I can easily forget that.

While this might seem like linguistic nit-picking, I find that it has some pretty significant implications for how people navigate strong emotions. Big feelings often seem like they are all that there is. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to forget that emotions rise and fall. When things get intense, it’s easy to focus on the most intense feeling to the exclusion of anything else that you’re experiencing. That’s especially likely during emotionally flooding.

When that happens, you might buy into the story that you’ve created about what’s going on. This seems to be especially true for “negative” emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or shame. It doesn’t seem to happen quite as easily with excitement or joy or happiness, though it can. And when you reinforce your stories about your feelings, when you equate them with your entire identity, they can end up feeling even larger, less manageable, and more threatening to your well-being.

Fortunately, you can make an easy change in how you talk about your emotions that sidesteps all of this. Instead of saying “I am…”, try saying “I’m feeling…”:

I’m feeling anger.I’m feeling sadness.I’m feeling fear.

The difference that this makes can be quite profound. The emotion becomes one thing that you’re experiencing, which leaves room for additional emotions to also be present. That creates space for the complexities of your emotional landscape, rather than only focusing on whatever is the loudest part of it.

This shift also makes it easier to remember that while the feelings might seem all-consuming, they don’t have to be. Describing the emotions as something that you feel rather than something that you are can make it easier to remember that you can encompass the feelings, that you can manage them, and that you can move through them. That’s a far more powerful way to approach your emotions because it helps you tap into your emotional intelligence and your ability to self-regulate your feelings, instead of letting then run wild. If you try making this change in how you talk about your emotions, you might find it helpful to describe them as nouns (anger, sadness, fear), rather than as adjectives (angry, sad, scared).

There are some other phrases I’ve heard people, including:

I’m noticing a lot of worry coming up for me.I’m having some anger about this.I’m recognizing some grief coming to the surface.

These are some more nuanced ways of saying the same thing, and it can be useful to have some alternative phrases. But if they feel contrived or strange, stick with “I’m feeling…” and see how that goes.

Try it and see if it makes a difference for you. Some people don’t notice it for themselves, but they find that their partners, friends, and family members respond differently to “I’m feeling” than they do to “I am.” So you might need to experiment a bit and figure out how it goes. And some people have told me that they didn’t see any changes at first, but after trying this for a few weeks, it helped them get a better handle on their emotions. As is often the case, you might need some time to get results.

I often find that changing how we talk about our emotions can change how we experience them and how we move through them. While this particular approach doesn’t work for everyone, it has been useful for enough people that you might find that it’s worth experimenting with.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post Having Feelings appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

How to Make A Sexual Fantasy Come True

I talk with a lot of people about their sexual desires and the things they want to try. One of the questions that they sometimes ask is “how do I make this sexual fantasy come true?” I find that there’s actually more to that than you might think. Most fantasies aren’t just about the physical acts that you imagine taking place. Knowing how to work with what’s happening below the surface goes a long way towards creating the experience you really want. There are three questions you can ask yourself to find your way.

What’s The Story of Your Sexual Fantasy?

This part is often the easiest one. What’s your go-to fantasy when you masturbate? Or maybe it’s what you think about during sex, when you’re close to an orgasm and you want to get there. What’s the hottest scenario in your head? The one that (almost) always works?

Whatever it is, write it down in as much detail as you can. I find that writing it out with a pen and paper often works better than typing on a keyboard. It seems to tap into a different part of the brain, and there’s a lot of important information that comes out more easily when you write it by hand.

Writing your sexual fantasy out doesn’t need to create a lot of pressure. You aren’t trying to craft an erotic story, and you don’t ever need to share it with anyone. You can even make it a list of bullet points, rather than a linear description. The important thing is that you include the things that make this fantasy extra hot for you.

Maybe it’s something that one of the characters in it says. It could be a particular act or position. Perhaps it’s the setting or situation. Or it’s who the characters in your story are. Don’t overthink this- follow your desire and arousal. If there’s a specific element that pops into your head right before you orgasm, write that down, too. Whatever your story is, be as specific as you can be. That’ll be important for the next step.

If it’s difficult to identify the story or the things that make it extra sexy, try getting turned on first. Have a little solo sex session, but before you’re done, press pause and grab a pen and paper. That can be a great way to tune into the fantasy. If one of your fantasies comes from a favorite porn movie or erotic fiction, you can do the same thing. Write down what’s happening on the screen or in the pages of your book, noting the things that consistently grab your attention.

What Are the Key Details of Your Fantasy?

Now that you have your fantasy on paper, go through the story and highlight the details that make it hot. Circle the specific ingredients that need to be in the fantasy for it to work for you. Identify the elements of the story that pop into your head just before you orgasm. From another angle, if you take things out of the story, the fantasy falls apart. Sometimes, these are seemingly small details, but they’re the plot points that the entire fantasy hinges on.

This is important because the little details often carry so much meaning. If you only focus on the big story arc and ignore the small pieces, your odds of a successful experience go down. For example, if you have a fantasy of being tied up, spanked, and pleasured, there are a lot of ways that might look. What position are you in? What are you tied to? Are you tied with rope? Chains and restraints? How hard is the spanking? Who are you doing this with? Are they using their hands? Paddles? Other toys? Is it a punishment? A sensual connection? And what kinds of pleasure are you looking for? Is it a long, teasing experience? A reward for having taken a paddling? Is it spanking first and then pleasure? Or are they going back and forth? Is there a particular way you want to be pleasured? Where is your fantasy partner touching you, and how?

This is why I asked you to be as specific as possible when writing the fantasy out. These key details are essential because they make or break the story. If you want to be tied over the dining room table, paddled as a punishment for being “naughty,” and then soothed with oral sex, that’s a very different scenario than being tied face down on the bed, spanked with a slow warm up and lots of sensual touch along the way, and then fucked. But both of these fantasies fit into the “I want to be tied up, spanked, and then pleasured” storyline, so you need to get clear about the details that make it hot for you.

How Do Those Details Make You Feel?

This is were things really get interesting. Go back and look at the things you just highlighted. Read through them all and then focus on one at a time. Tune into what you feel in your body and in your heart. And then, write down what those feelings and sensations are.

This is the key to this entire project because the ultimate goal of your sexual fantasy is to create these feelings. And if you want to make that fantasy come true in a way that feels fulfilling, this is where you want to end up.

Let’s go back to those two examples of bondage, spanking, and pleasure. For someone who fantasizes about being punished for being naughty and then soothed, some of the feelings that might come up are:

being naughty or breaking the rulesknowing you can’t get away with being naughtya feeling of atonementbeing able to take the punishmentbeing rewarded for taking the punishmentfeeling like an exhibitionist because you had sex on the dining table

On the other hand, someone who wants the sensual spanking and then sex might feel:

like a treasured, favorite petreceiving attention and carerewarded for being gooddeep emotional and physical connection with your partnerprecious and adored

When you know how you want to feel, you know where you want to end up. That makes it so much easier to create the real life situation in which to act out your sexual fantasy.

The person in the first scenario might find it extra sexy to be called a dirty slut or a naughty boy. Or maybe they want to be told about how their dinner guests that night won’t have any idea that just a few hours earlier, they were tied over the table that everyone is eating on. But the person in the second version might want to be told how well they took the spanking, or that they’re such a good boy/girl/slut/pet/etc. Perhaps they want to hear that how beautiful they look with their butt warm from the spanking.

In both of these situations, the fantasy of being tied up, spanked, and pleasured might sound the same at first. They might even include the exact same toys or activities. But when these hypothetical people figure out the key details and identify how they want to feel, we end up with very different paths. And without that clarity, it would be easy for their partners to guess wrong.

Use Your Words Play With Your Sexual Fantasy

Now that you’ve figured out where you want your fantasy to take you, there are some different ways to get there.

The most obvious is to act it out, but that isn’t always what you want to do. After all, you could have a fantasy of having a room full of people watch you have sex, but you might not feel comfortable actually going to an orgy. So you and your partner might talk about it during sex as a way of tapping into the fantasy: “Can you see how all of the people at the sex party have stopped what they’re doing so they can come watch you? Their eyes are locked onto your body, and you’re getting them so turned on.” You could also put some porn on the TV and pretend that the performers are in the room with you.

A different variation of that is being so sexy that the observers at the orgy can’t help but join in because they can’t hold back. In that case, it might work better to say something like, “All of these people are getting so worked up watching you. They’re starting to fuck each other and at least half the room wants a turn with you. What do you think? Shall I share you with them?” There’s a subtle but important difference between those two fantasies, and what works for the first person might not work for the second.

On the other hand, maybe what turns you on about going to an orgy is the idea of cutting loose and letting go of all of the rules and responsibilities that are part of your life. Perhaps the fantasy of an orgy represents an opportunity to say “fuck the rules.” In that case, you might enjoy having your partner talk about how you can have sex with as many people as you want, in whatever combinations you want. Hearing that you can do absolutely anything with anyone you want to might be just the thing that sets off an orgasm.

You don’t have to actually go to an orgy to have the emotional experience that comes from talking about it. The differences between each of these stories might seem subtle at first. But when you know what emotional flavor you’re aiming for, it usually becomes much easier to create it.

Other Ways to Create That Feeling

Another way you can play with this is to find different opportunities to create a similar emotional experience. If your fantasy reveals that you get turned on by the idea of other people watching you having sex, then maybe you’d also get turned on by secretly doing something sexual in public. Going out for a walk without underwear on, wearing a remote-controlled buttplug at dinner, or hot and heavy making out at a nightclub might tap into that same feeling of being sexy when other people can see you. These are just some of the ways you could  be sexual in public without bringing other people into your scene without their consent.

If your fantasy centers on being told that you’re a good girl/boy/pet/slut/etc., then finding a pet name for your partner to call you while you’re eating in a restaurant or going for a walk can be very inspiring. Or having a special name for them to call you during sex, or while texting each other might make you blush with desire.

In most situations, there’s more than one way to get to a similar emotional outcome, so you’re probably not limited to the specific situation in your sexual fantasy. That’s why it’s so useful to figure out how your fantasies make you feel. If you focus too much on the physical acts rather than the emotional outcome, you miss opportunities to find other ways to get to the same feeling.

If you do want to act out your fantasy, knowing what feeling you’re aiming for can make it easier to plan it out. You don’t have to enact every little thing about the fantasy. You can simply act out some of the parts that inspire those feelings. That’s especially important if your fantasy isn’t 100% realistic. You might fantasize about all sorts of things that are difficult or impossible to actually do in real life, but if you can create a similar emotional experience, you can have lots of fun.

For example, some people fantasize about having anal sex because it feels taboo and naughty to them, but anal penetration might not be comfortable for them. So their partner could do external anal massage and talk about how slutty they are for liking it, without any penetration at all. You don’t have to go all the way in order to have an amazing experience.

When The Feelings Don’t Feel So Good

While playing with sexual fantasies can be incredibly hot, it can also stir up lots of different feelings once the arousal subsides. If you’ve never tried this with a partner, it’s probably a good idea to take small steps. It’s easy to go too far and end up feeling upset, going into emotional flooding, or dealing with a shameover.

Start by talking about your fantasy during sex. Find some smaller ways to play with what turns you on. You don’t need to do everything the first time you try it. In fact, if you start with something milder, you might even discover subtle nuances that make a big difference in how the fantasy works.

It’s also important to have a safeword so that you can pause or stop things if they feel like they’re going somewhere you don’t want to go. While safewords allow you to pretend to resist when you don’t really mean it, that’s not their only purpose. They also make it easier to be clear in your “no” because that word carries a lot of emotional weight. Many of us have difficulty saying no. It can also be difficult to hear the word when you’re excited and really turned on. A safeword cuts through that and can be easier to both say and hear.

Some people use “red” to mean stop and “yellow” to take a pause. But since a yellow traffic light often means “speed up so you can get through the intersection,” I like to use red and pink (since pink is not quite as red). You can use pretty much any word that you wouldn’t use during sex. And “safeword” is always a solid option.

Some Useful Books About Sexual Fantasies

Plenty has been written about fantasies and what they mean. In my opinion, any book that tells you what a sexual fantasy signifies is telling you about what it means to the author, rather than what it means to you. But there are four books that I think do a great job of helping folks play with (and understand) their fantasies.

The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin is based on his extensive research and interviews with hundreds of people about their “peak erotic experiences” (aka the best sex you’ve ever had). While it doesn’t focus on fantasies, it goes a long way towards explaining some of the erotic patterns that people have in clear, easy language. This is a book that I think should be on the bookshelf of every therapist and relationship coach out there.

Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael Bader offers some valuable perspective from a psychotherapist. His focus is on how we often use our fantasies as a way to gain control or mastery over some part of our lives. While I think he makes some sweeping statements that simply aren’t true, this book is full of useful insights. It was also part of what helped me understand that one of the purposes of a sexual fantasy is to help us create a particular emotional outcome.

The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy by Violet Blue is the go-to resource for figuring out how to play with fantasies. It’s full of inspiring ideas, helpful tips, and practical suggestions for making sure you create the experience you really want. It’s definitely more of a how-to guide than the first two books, and I think it complements them well.

Enough to Make You Blush by Princess Kali is technically about playing with erotic humiliation, but it offers far more than that. This is one of the best guides for how to get inside your partner’s head and find the things that excite them. There are also lots of useful tips for creating the emotional safety that allows people to connect with those deep desires.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new ways to create the relationships and the sex life that support you and make you thrive. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post How to Make A Sexual Fantasy Come True appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

Pleasure Mapping: An Easy and Effective Way to Create Amazing Sex

There’s a question you can ask during sex that can lead to a communication trainwreck, despite your best intentions.

“What do you like?”

On the surface, it seems like a great way to find out what brings a smile to your partner’s face and show consideration for their preferences and needs. And in some situations, it works well because your partner can tell you exactly what they enjoy. But it’s really common for people to not know what it is that makes their toes curl, not know how to put it into words, or not feel comfortable sharing it with a lover. That’s when you might hear something like:

Everything you’re doing feels good.I like what you’re doing right now.I like the usual stuff.

While it’s understandable why someone might have responses like that, they don’t help create fantastic sex.

Why It’s Hard to Name Your Pleasures

I find that there are a lot of reasons why people have difficulty naming what feels good to them. We live in a culture that is both sex-obsessed and sex-negative. If the things that feel good to you don’t match what you think they’re supposed to be, or if you worry that they don’t match what you think your partner thinks they’re supposed to be, it’s easy to get stuck in a shame spiral and avoid asking for what you want.

But even more than that, a lot of people don’t actually know how to describe what makes them feel good. Telling a partner something like “I enjoy light circles on my clit” or “it feels good when you circle the head of my cock with your tongue” requires a degree of specificity that many people can’t put into words. In some ways, this is more challenging for people with vulvas since a lot of the sexy action is difficult or impossible to see. Folks with penises can look down and take a look at what’s going on, at least for some activities.

There are a few different strategies that people tell me that they’ve tried. Some folks will give a partner feedback, either with words, sounds, or body language to let them know when they’re doing something that feels good. While that might help in the moment, it doesn’t make it easier to ask for it in the future. The best you can do is ask them to “do that thing you did that time.” That might work, but only if they remember exactly what it was. Plus, it doesn’t transfer from one partner to another.

Another route is to try to be patient as your partner attempts to guess what you’d enjoy, while you both hope for the best. It can be a bit like trying to throw a dart into the board with your eyes closed- it requires more luck than you might realize. And if your partner unknowingly does something that doesn’t feel good, you might end up enduring unpleasant touch. By the time they switch it up for something else, your arousal has gone out the window and resentment has moved in. That isn’t a recipe for fun.

Sometimes, people will try to make themselves enjoy whatever their partner is doing. But that’s about as effective as trying to make yourself appreciate food or music that isn’t to your taste. Whether it’s a sex act that you never find pleasurable or it’s something that you might adore some other time, but not tonight, there’s no way to force yourself to enjoy something when it’s not the right thing or the right time or the right situation.

Pleasure Mapping is How You Figure It Out

If you want to tell your partner what feels good to you, Pleasure Mapping is an excellent way to figure out how to do it. Here’s how it works.

Set aside some experimentation time

The goal of a Pleasure Mapping session isn’t to have an amazing orgasm, though it’s certainly not a problem if it happens along the way. Instead, the purpose is to get information about what feels good to your body. Think of it as a wine tasting. You’re going to try a lot of different things, just to explore how they feel.

If you experiment with a dozen different kinds of sexual stimulation and discover three that feel amazing, that’s a win. It doesn’t matter that there were nine others that you didn’t like. All that matters is figuring out which three (or six or one) that you do.

Set aside at least an hour for this. The more spacious you can be with your time, the more you can relax and follow your body’s messages. Just like with a wine tasting, you’ll get more out of the experience if you don’t rush.

Get creative

The whole point of Pleasure Mapping is to try lots of different things. If you’re not sure what that looks like, pick up a how-to book or movie. Personally, I prefer movies because you can see what you’re trying to do, and because you can watch a technique, hit pause and try it, and then move to the next one. Just make sure that you don’t get lubricant or body fluids on your keyboard or remote!

I’m a big fan of Jaiya’s Red Hot Touch video series for some great ideas for erotic massage and anal play. For oral sex, check out Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Fellatio and Expert Guide to Cunnilingus.

Get a little turned on

Sexual arousal changes how we process sensations, which is why getting bitten on the neck during a fun sexual experience feels different from getting bitten on the neck while writing an email. If you build some erotic charge before you shift to the Pleasure Mapping, it’ll be easier to get an accurate idea of what each technique might be like during a sexual situation.

How to give feedback

Now that you’re all warmed up, you can get started with the Pleasure Mapping. Try one of the techniques and focus on tracking how pleasurable it is. There are a few ways you can do that.

Some people like to rate it on a 1-10 scale, where 10 is “don’t ever stop doing that!” and 1 is “maybe we should put on netflix.” Other people have difficulty using numbers or words because it pulls them out of their bodies and into their heads. If that’s you, you can give a thumbs up, squeeze your partner’s arm or leg, or just say “yes.” It’s also useful to have a non-verbal cue for “stop doing that.” I like using a double tap on the bed or on your partner’s body, just like martial artists or wrestlers use to acknowledge that they’re pinned.

How to receive feedback

The most important thing to remember when you’re receiving feedback during a Pleasure Mapping session is that your partner is rating the technique, not your skill as a lover. After all, you might be an amazing chef, but if I hate the taste of cilantro, I’m not going to like your ceviche.

While this is good for everyone to keep in mind, I find it even more valuable for men (and cisgender men, in particular). We often get our egos wrapped up in our sexual skills because of the Act Like a Man Box, and we often take it personally if a lover tells us that they aren’t enjoying something that we’re doing. One good way to avoid getting caught in that shame loop is to remind yourself that your partner is telling you about the technique, not you as a person or as a lover.

I find that there are two easy steps you can take to do that. First, once you’ve been doing a particular move for a little bit, ask your partner to tell you how they rate it. That makes you an active participant in the Pleasure Mapping and helps remind you both that the intention is to collect data. Second, whatever their response, thank them for sharing it with you. It’s a great way to keep you from getting so caught up in your ego, and it helps them give better feedback because they know it’s welcome.

Using the feedback

When your partner rates something at a 6 or higher (or when they squeeze your arm, or say “yes”), make a mental note of that move because it’s a keeper. If you have trouble remembering it, you can even write it down. After the Pleasure Mapping session (or during, if it doesn’t kill the mood), describe what you were doing. Try to put it into words, but if that doesn’t work, you can also demonstrate it. For example, if your partner likes to have their clit sucked on, show them on a finger tip. Show them how much pressure they liked on their G-spot or prostate with your fingers on the back of their hand. Or if you were using a movie for guidance, scroll back to that technique so they can watch it.

This is probably the most important step because it’s how they learn how to describe what they want to ask for. “Do firm circles on my prostate” is a lot easier to understand than “do that thing with your finger.”

You can also use their feedback to look for patterns in their sexual response. For example, you might tell them that they like light touch on the head of their penis and firm squeezing on their testicles. Or circles on their clitoris and “come hither” on their G-spot. Or light touch at first, with more intensity later on. Whatever the patterns or combinations are, you’ll give them the incredible gift of knowing more about their sexual response and how to share that information to make a request during sex.

Try something else

Once you’ve tried a technique and rated it, shift to something different. If you find a move that feels amazing (like a 9 or 10), feel free to stick with it for a bit, but don’t lose focus on the primary purpose of Pleasure Mapping. You can always come back to that move later on.

In addition to trying different techniques, you can vary them by changing the tempo or the intensity. You might find that adding more speed or pressure makes it feel better, or you might find that it becomes less pleasurable. You might even find that there’s a “Goldilocks zone” where it’s just right. Each time you vary what you’re doing, give your a few seconds to tune into it and then ask them how they rate it.

What Next?

You can make your Pleasure Mapping session as long or as short as you want. You can wrap things up when you feel like you’ve gotten enough information, or you can transition it towards a more erotic experience. You can also switch roles and try it from the other side. That might be fun to do back to back, or you might want to do it another time. There’s no right or wrong way to do this, other than what works for the two of you.

The most important thing is that you both discover more about your sexual pleasures and responses, and that you have new ways to ask for what you want. If that’s where things end, that’s a big win!

Some Useful Tips for Pleasure MappingSince arousal can change how the nervous system processes sensations, you might find that a technique that only rates a 2 at the start might be a 7 later on. So it’s worth trying some of those moves later to see if anything has shifted. (Though if there’s something that gets a big no or a negative number, you probably don’t need to give it another chance.)One of the more common mistakes people make is thinking that the best sex happens when you keep adding more and more sensation. Unfortunately, that can lead to overstimulation which makes the body numb out. You’ll have much more fun if you allow for the rise and fall of arousal. In some ways, it’s like eating spicy food. There’s usually something that cools your mouth down, like chutney, sour cream, raita, or yogurt sauce. Going from hot to cool to hot allows you to enjoy the flavors far more than adding more hot sauce to every bite.

This connects to Pleasure Mapping because a technique that rates a 3 is a great way to cool things down and give your lover a chance to catch their breath. Then, you can do that 9 move and ramp them back up. They’ll actually feel more pleasure than if you stayed with the 9 for the entire time. It’s much easier to do that when you have the information from a Pleasure Mapping session.

Since bodies change over time, we often discover that our likes and dislikes shift, too. After all, most of us don’t eat the same food when we’re 20 and when we’re 40, so why should the sex we like stay the same? Pleasure Mapping is a great way to explore how your sexuality might have shifted.

This can be especially useful after pregnancy and childbirth, as well as during or after menopause, since these experiences can change sexual response. Some folks find that starting or stopping hormonal birth control can shift things, as can having hysterectomy or prostatectomy. A lot of medications can also change your sexual response. But even if none of these sorts of medical events have happened, if sex isn’t feeling the same as it used to, Pleasure Mapping can help you reboot.

Rebooting isn’t just for dealing with a clearly defined event like a medical issue. It’s easy for long-term couples to get into sexual routines where they do what they’ve always done. Pleasure Mapping is a useful way to bring a beginner’s mind to your sex life and get some fresh perspective. If your relationship feels good but your sexual connection is feeling stale, try Pleasure Mapping and see if it helps you discover new ways to have fun together.You can use Pleasure Mapping while exploring BDSM. It works for all kinds of activities, like spanking, role play, flogging, bondage, or almost anything else you might want to try. And you can use it to explore touch anywhere on the body. This isn’t only for sex.Pleasure Mapping can also be done solo. That’s a great way to experiment with your pleasure response without the pressure of a partner’s expectations, or if you don’t have someone to try it with. Many of the erotic massage techniques in the videos l linked to above work great for self-pleasure. And women might find the tips in Sheri Winston’s Women’s Anatomy of Arousal inspiring.Lastly, you might find it helpful to try Pleasure Mapping with a somatic sex educator (aka a sexological bodyworker). These are folks who offer somatic erotic exploration within a safe container and a strong ethical code so you can learn about your sexual patterns, gain skills for embodiment and self-regulating erotic energy, and build new behavioral patterns to make it easier to create the sexual connections you want.

You’ll get different information working with a practitioner than exploring with a partner because they have a wider perspective. They hold a different space than partners, and they don’t have the same emotional attachment to your process or the outcome. Working with a practitioner can be especially worthwhile if you’re back on the dating scene for the first time in a while since you can get some new tools and ideas to make sexual communication easier. It’s also helpful if you’re on a healing path, particularly around sexual trauma.

However you decide to use Pleasure Mapping, it’s a simple and effective tool to figure out what you enjoy, find better ways to ask for what you want, and even discover things that you didn’t know would feel wonderful. And that goes a long way towards helping you create an amazing sex life.

As a somatic sex educator and relationship coach, I want to help you find new tools to create the relationships that support you and make you thrive. I offer in-person sessions in Seattle, as well as coaching over video. Get in touch with me to schedule a free Get Acquainted call. Let’s talk about what’s going on for you and how I can help you make sex easy.

The post Pleasure Mapping: An Easy and Effective Way to Create Amazing Sex appeared first on Make Sex Easy.

What’s Behind Sexual Harassment?

Here’s a question I got over email:

I am trying to understand the psychology of male arousal i.e what causes a man to get aroused at the sight of a fully dressed woman.

The reason for this question is because I repeatedly encounter this issue in the workplace which I would like your insights on.  Men come near me & breathe heavily or click their fingers or make groaning noises and then this is picked up by other men who do the same. It happens outside the workplace as well but I can ignore that and walk away.

Any ideas as to why men do this and how do I deal with this? I am guessing that they are getting aroused at the sight of me and for some reason think I should know that? why? (Note that I dress very modestly)

I don’t think that this is actually about men getting aroused, or at least, not much. I’m willing to bet that when these guys get turned on with their partners, they don’t make those noises or breathe like that. So while there might be some sexual arousal going on for them, it’s important to remember that even if there is, these men are still making a choice about how they express it. So let’s talk about why guys choose to engage in sexual harassment. I can think of two main reasons, with some overlap between them

The first possibility is that these men are harassing you to try to make you feel uncomfortable. Some men use sexualized attention to harass women, to tell them that they aren’t welcome in a given space, to try to express dominance over them, or simply to try to get a reaction from them. I find that there are a lot of different reasons men do that, and frankly, I don’t think it’s really about sexual arousal as much as their discomfort with women. Rather than find ways to deal with that, they act out. If they were truly comfortable with being around women, they wouldn’t feel the need to harass them.

As far as why other men pick up on it and join in, a lot of that has to do with the performance of masculinity. Stereotypical definitions of masculinity require guys to prove that they’re “real men” because if they don’t, they risk being grouped with women, queers, and losers. (See this post for more specifics about how that works.) Not only that, but the “real man” model is a hierarchy with the ultimate macho dude at the top. That creates a competition to demonstrate one’s masculinity since the guy at the bottom of the pack risks being classified as girly, or a faggot, or a wimp. As a result, when one guy starts showing off how masculine he is by harassing you, the men around him join in so they can show how manly they are. The competition from that escalates things, which is why groups of guys generally get louder, more obnoxious, and more direct about it.

Underlying all of that is that they aren’t doing it to try to get you into bed. They’re doing it to perform their masculinity for each other. They’re doing it to prove that they qualify as “real men.” But it’s really not about sexual arousal at all because they almost certainly don’t do those things when they’re having sex. They’re using the performance of sexuality to score masculinity points, which is a very different thing.

Whether these guys are trying to exert dominance over you, for whatever reason, or they’re trying to outdo each other in showing off how macho they are, it’s harassment and it’s never ok. It isn’t about your dressing modestly- women get this kind of crap no matter what they wear. I know that a lot of people will blame women for getting harassed, and that enables men to keep doing it because they don’t get held accountable for their choices and actions.

Since I don’t have to cope with this personally, I don’t think I’m the right person to suggest how to deal with it. So here are a few articles by women about what they do. I hope they help!

Do You Respond To Catcalling? 23 Women Reveal How They Reply To Street Harassment

7 Ways To Respond To Street Harassment

Damn, Girl: How to Beat a Catcaller at His Own Game

And this video is worth watching:

The post, What’s Behind Sexual Harassment?, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Rentboy.com, Sexism, and “End Demand”

Have you been following the news about the raid on the Rentboy.com offices? Rentboy was a website designed to connect trans and cisgender male escorts with clients. Two days ago, police arrested the CEO and six staffers, charging them with promoting prostitution. When we compare the way that Rentboy is being talked about compared to how Redbook was, we can see some patterns in how we think of male sex workers versus female sex workers. That shines some important light on our gendered attitudes about sex.

When Redbook (a comparable site for female sex workers) was raided in June, a lot of the publicity around it focused on how the website was supposedly enabling illegal sex trafficking, particularly child prostitution. There was plenty of talk about how the women who advertised sexual services needed to be rescued. Given how the myths around sex trafficking are interwoven into the discourse around female prostitution, this isn’t a surprise. But what is a surprise is that there hasn’t yet been any mention of trafficking when it comes to Rentboy. It’s as if men are magically immune to sex trafficking, while women couldn’t possibly be involved in commercial sex without it.

I think this tells us a lot about our cultural attitudes about gender and sex. For a lot of people, sex is something men do to women. He fucks her, but the only way for her to fuck him is by wearing a strap-on and taking on the “man’s role.” We have this idea that men are the ones who make the decisions, who make the moves, and do all the work. In my coaching practice, I see how these ideas shape and limit people’s sex lives. I talk with women who struggle with allowing themselves to take sexual agency, who worry about being shamed for asking for what they want, or who don’t  know what they want because they’ve never learned how to figure it out. And I’ve worked with men who wish that they didn’t always feel responsible for “giving her an orgasm,” who wish their female partners could meet them halfway, or who feel shame for having fantasies that fall outside of the “get it up, get it in, get it off” model of male sexuality. All of this is mirrored by the different ways that Redbook and Rentboy are being talked about in the media. Female sex workers (especially cisgender women) are portrayed victims, while men aren’t.

Of course, there are some related patterns that need to be recognized as part of these issues. There are gendered differences in how violence and sexual assault happen. There are gendered differences in economics, which limit women’s choices differently than men’s. That’s all real. But they also aren’t as clear cut as many people present them. Sexual assault happens across all gender lines, and in all directions. (Women commit it far more often than is usually acknowledged.) Issues of class, race, eduction, and access intersect with economics to limit many men’s choices more than some women’s. And while many radical feminists make the point that choice around sex work is a valid question when people need money to survive, I notice that far fewer people make the same argument with respect to male sex workers. Besides, we could make the same claims about any industry. How many of you would be working as baristas, accountants, mechanics or writers if you didn’t need the cash? Does that mean that you don’t have any choices about your labor? Do we need to shut your profession down in order to save you from economic coercion?

This is one the things I find most striking about the “end demand” rhetoric against sex work. It assumes that the only demand for sex work comes from clients (assumed to be men). But in a world in which people need money to survive, support their families, get an education, or simply thrive, there’s a demand on the part of sex workers, too. Making sex workers’ lives more difficult by removing their access to the screening mechanisms available online, and by making it harder for them to connect with clients and guard themselves from risk, anti-sex work folks aren’t actually ending that demand. They aren’t putting food on the table, clothes on someone’s kids, or helping them buy books for college. All they’re doing is making people’s lives harder, in the name of “rescuing” them.

This is a personal issue for me. People I know, people I respect and admire, people I love are at far more risk as a result of these raids. People I love have less access to the work they need to do to support themselves. People I love are now less able to protect themselves by screening clients and assessing their choices. Their need for income and their demand for work haven’t gone away, but now, they have to make harder decisions about how to meet them. During the Vietnam war, a major was quoted as saying “It became necessary to destroy the town to save it.” That pretty much sums up the “end demand” approach.

That’s what that I find most scary about the Rentboy raid. Nobody is presenting this as saving male sex workers. The police aren’t even pretending that this is about rescuing anyone. All they want to do is destroy them by taking away their access to work. When we take the thin veneer of “protecting women and children” away, we see what’s really fueling the anti-sex work side. It’s about ending something that some people find distasteful, without any respect for the rights of the folks who feel differently about it and choose to do it.

The irony in all of this is that Rentboy has done far more than any rescue organization to actually help sex workers. They started a scholarship to help sex workers go to school and “think about long-term career paths outside of the sex industry.” They made it easier for individuals to manage their labor and safety, which took pimps out of the equation and increased sex workers’ autonomy. In the words of a man who advertised on the site, “Rentboy…made this a safer business to be in.” That safety has been taken away. What do you suppose will happen now?

The guys who advertised on Rentboy aren’t being portrayed as victims, in the way that the women who advertised on Redbook were. That says a lot about gender roles and expectations. But at the end of the day, they’re all victims of the anti-sex work forces that want to destroy them.

The post, Rentboy.com, Sexism, and “End Demand”, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Toy Review: New Prostate Massagers by LELO

I’ve been really excited to see that more companies are starting to make high-quality prostate toys than ever before. For a long time, prostate pleasure fans who wanted a vibrator had to adapt G-spot toys, and while the prostate is a lot like the G-spot, many G-spot toys are either too textured for comfortable anal use or they don’t have the right shape to make them anal-safe. So when the folks at LELO sent me two of their new prostate vibrators, I was ready to take them for a spin.

The Loki is based on the the same model as some of LELO’s other vibrators, like the Liv. It comes with a USB charging cord, it’s waterproof, and the controls are pretty intuitive. There are two buttons to change the intensity, two buttons to cycle through the six different vibration patterns. It’s covered in super smooth silicone and the shape is gently tapered, both of which make it really easy to insert. And of course, the flange at the base makes sure it doesn’t go too far in.

I think the best think about the Loki is the shape. It’s just the right length to give you complete prostate contact, which maximizes the pleasure potential of this vibrator. The gentle curve gets it right on the prostate, though you can also angle it a little bit to get extra pressure. The buttons are pretty easy to reach, which is always a plus.

But what about the sensation? The Loki has a deep, rumbly vibration, which works a lot better on the prostate than the more buzzy toys out there. And the pulsing patterns are more of a slow ramp up and down, which is also what most men say works best on the prostate. The width and shape of the Loki make it more similar to a buttplug than other toys, so while you can use it for an in-and-out motion, you’ll probably want to keep it in place and play with the angle. That means that you don’t need to constantly hold it, which is a nice feature.

While I think the Loki is a great vibrator, there were a few things I’d keep in mind. First, the widest part is a bit thicker than some folks will be able to accommodate without warmup. If you’re new to anal or prostate play, you’ll want to warm up before inserting it. (Check out my book The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure for all the info you need.) Second, I really wish manufacturers would make toys like this with a 90° bend or curve in the handle. It can be hard to reach the buttons if you’re on the less-flexible side. Plus, a curved handle would make it easier to apply pressure. But even so, the Loki is an excellent design and it’s definitely worth adding to your toy box.

I also got to test out the Hugo, which has some features that I thought were really amazing.

Like the Loki, the Hugo charges off a USB cord and is covered by the same smooth silicone. But this gadget has a remote control, so you can adjust the vibrations from across the room (assuming you have someone to help or really long arms). There’s a motor in the tip, as well as the base, so you get amazing pleasure on the prostate and the perineum. There’s a little-known sweet spot between the testicles and the anus, and the Hugo hits it just right.

Once you switch the toy and the remote on, you can cycle through six different vibration patterns or change the intensity with a click. The remote can signal what’s going on by flashing a light when the toy is pulsing, but you can also make it vibrate in sync with the Hugo. I have to say- it’s a great innovation. One of the problems with many remote-controlled toys is that the person holding the remote doesn’t know what speed or setting the toy is on. The Hugo fixes that, which is fantastic.

The other option for the remote is what LELO calls SenseMotionTM mode. The angle you hold the remote at changes the intensity of the vibrations. Horizontal means lower and vertical means higher. So rather than clicking buttons, you just rotate the remote. That was a lot of fun, and it’s a great use of motion-sensing technology.

Although the Hugo’s shape makes it ideal for hitting the prostate, it would stay in place better if the bulb and the neck were more sharply differentiated, like they are in most buttplugs. If you’re using it on your back, it’s not a problem, but if you want to wear it in other positions, you might find it slides out a little bit. Not so much that it slips out, but enough to reduce your prostate fun. Having said that, you can definitely enhance your pleasure by squeezing your PC muscle to increase the pressure. So the shape is definitely a winner. It just might work better in some positions than others.

More men and their partners are discovering the amazing pleasure potential of the prostate. The Loki and the Hugo make it easy to explore, and provide just the right kind of vibration to maximize your experience. The designs are intuitive, so they’re easy to use when you’re turned on. All in all, I have to say that LELO has a couple of winners here.

I get a lot of calls and emails from folks who want to explore prostate play but aren’t sure how to make it work, or they aren’t sure how to talk about it with their partner. As a sex and relationship coach, I’m always happy to help you get the most out of your sex life and I provide coaching sessions over Skype, as well as workshops across the US and Canada (I’m also available for workshops anywhere in the world, if we can work out the travel). I also offer somatic sex education, whether at my office in Seattle or when I’m on the road. My goal is to help you make sex easy, so get in touch with me if you’re looking for ideas, support, and suggestions. And as always, have fun!

The post, Toy Review: New Prostate Massagers by LELO, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Goodbye, Oakland. Hello, Seattle!

After 23 years living in Oakland, the time has come for me to find a new home. My partner and I are going to be moving to Seattle by early August.

This has been in the works for a while. In fact, the first time we talked about it was about 12 years ago. Elizabeth had moved to the Bay Area when she was 14, and she was ready to try living somewhere else. At the time, I was working full-time at Good Vibrations and I couldn’t imagine any other company being willing to give me as great a job. There aren’t a lot of full-time gigs in the sexuality field, so I thought that was the end of that.

A few months after I left Good Vibrations in 2013 and started building my coaching practice, Elizabeth came to me and said, “So, do you remember that talk we had all those years ago about moving somewhere else? You know- the one I haven’t been bringing up all this time?” As soon as she said that, I saw where the rest of the conversation was going to go. I knew that she’d been setting her wishes aside for a long time, and that it was my turn to be flexible. Besides, after all these years together, I know when to advocate for what I want and when it’s simply going to be easier to not try to fight the inevitable. (protip: that is one of the key skills for a happy long term relationship.)

The longer we talked about it, the more sense it made. At some point, my thinking shifted away of “this is something I’m doing for my partner” and towards “this is something I want for myself.” There’s a lot that I love about the Bay Area, but I’ve also seen it change in the time I’ve been here. I’m living through the third major dotcom boom, and each time, more people get pushed out of San Francisco to end up in the east bay. It’s sort of funny how often folks who wouldn’t come across the bay for a party or a dinner date are suddenly enthusiastic about how easy the trip is. I’ve seen the culture of the Bay Area change again and again, and while I still enjoy it, I also think that we’ve grown apart. It’s time for a change, and to be honest, I think I’ll enjoy my relationship with the Bay Area a bit more if we get some distance. Plus, I miss the fog that we used to get and I like the Seattle weather. Sunburn on the top of your head is no joke.

Elizabeth started looking for a job in Seattle several months ago, but it took a while for it to come together. A few days ago, she accepted a position up there. It’s a beautiful city with a thriving sex-positive crowd. There are lots of queer, kinky, and poly folks. There are also quite a few sexological bodyworkers, so I’m looking forward to reestablishing my coaching practice. And of course, I can keep working with my Skype clients from anywhere.

I have some upcoming workshops in the Bay Area, so I’ll be coming back for those. And I expect to keep planning trips after that- there’s too much here that I enjoy and there are too many people here who I love for me to leave forever. But I’ve lived in Oakland ever since I graduated from college. It’s time for some new soil under my feet.

So to all my Oakland folks: it has been a real pleasure to get to know you, to grow with you, and to celebrate with you. Oakland is an amazing city and I’m so glad I got to be here for so long. Thank you all!

To my Seattle friends and friends-to-be: I know it’ll take a while to get myself settled in, and I’d appreciate your help. I’d love to start getting to know more folks within the sex-positive communities, and I really want to expand my professional circles. If you know anyone who you think I should connect with, please send an email or Facebook message introduction. Actually, no matter where you live, if you have friends or contacts in Seattle who you think I should meet, feel free to introduce us. While I’m excited to make this leap, I’m also feeling some anxiety about it. Your support will help me find my feet and would mean a lot to me. Extra points if you can help me find an office to see clients in. Double extra points if you send your friends to me for coaching or sexological bodywork.

In the meantime, I’m still scheduling in-person coaching and sexological bodywork sessions, so if you’ve been curious to know how I can help you have amazing sex, get in touch. I’d love to see you before I go!

The post, Goodbye, Oakland. Hello, Seattle!, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Pro-Voice: A New Approach to Abortion

Abortion is a difficult topic to talk about, and not just because the experience can stir up a lot of challenging emotions. It’s hard to talk about because the two main sides to the cultural arguments about it don’t have much common ground.

The anti-abortion folks (I refuse to call the pro-life until I see them supporting people’s health and well-being once they’re born) are so convinced that abortion is always wrong that they’ll tell lies about the emotional and physical impact of abortion, misrepresent their “counseling services” in order to trick women into accepting them, and harass women and their partners when they try to approach a clinic. On the other hand, the pro-choice folks are so worried about giving any ammunition to the anti-abortion crowd that they shy away from talking about the emotions that women and their partners might feel when they’re thinking about or have had an abortion. That creates a vacuum which leaves people few options for support.

Exhale was founded in 2000 in order to try to change that. Rather than focusing on the political fights around abortion, Exhale’s mission is to give people room to share their stories, explore their experiences, and get support. The pro-voice approach creates a space for people to have their feelings about their abortions, regardless of their political or religious beliefs. That offers more opportunities for women and their partners to regain their equilibrium and find healing.

I’ve been tangentially involved with Exhale since the beginning. Twice a year, I train the volunteer talkine counselors in talking with men. Since Exhale also supports partners, family members, and friends of women who have had abortions, about one caller in twelve is a man. And because of the different ways that many men deal with challenging emotions compared to women, I help the counselors develop a deeper understanding of how to support them, which helps guys support the women in their lives.

I’ve seen the power of the pro-voice perspective in action. I’ve talked with the Exhale staff and volunteers about the ways in which it gives callers room to have their experiences, and how transformative it is for them to have a safe place to talk about them. And I’ve seen how the pro-voice approach cuts through the arguments and centers things where they belong: in the hearts and words of the people who have had abortions and the people close to them.

So when I heard that Aspen Baker, one of the founders of Exhale, had written a book, I couldn’t wait to get a copy of it. Pro-Voice: How to Keep Listening When the World Wants a Fight is a book that I think everyone interested in sexuality, relationships, health, feminism, women’s equality, and sexual politics needs to read. Aspen discusses the history of the abortion fights and identifies the roots of our current situation with clarity and compassion. She talks about the ways in which abortion and gender equality are intimately linked. And she explains the impact of the pro-voice approach with case studies, stories from Exhale’s history, and the responses they have received from talkline callers and participants in workshops. It’s a powerful look at the issues that people get bogged down in, and it offers the most effective way forward. Pro-voice sounds simple, but like all important things, simple doesn’t equal easy.

I’m also excited to announce that I recently became a member of Exhale’s board of directors, and that we’re planning a book launch party at the Oakland Museum of CA. Pro-Voice Takes the Stage will be an amazing night for the organization, and ticket proceeds and book sales will support this wonderful organization. If you can make it, I’d love to see you there. And if you can’t attend, you can still donate to Exhale, sponsor the event, and help make sure that people’s voices continue to be heard.

Nearly three US women in ten will have an abortion. It’s time we stopped silencing them. It’s time we made room for their voices, and for the voices of the people who love them. It’s time to make pro-voice part of the abortion discussions. Pro-Voice: How to Keep Listening When the World Wants a Fight offers a blueprint for doing that. Get your copy today!

The post, Pro-Voice: A New Approach to Abortion, is from Charlie Glickman's website.