Charlie Glickman's Blog, page 6

Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More

One of the most exciting things about fantasies is that they let us explore and get turned on by things we might not want to actually do in real life. And sometimes, we get turned on by things that we might not even want to admit to thinking about. But that doesn’t mean that those fantasies aren’t hot! In Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More, Greta Christina shares stories that’ll get you excited, bring a blush to your cheeks, make you laugh, and even make you stop and wonder why you’re enjoying them so much. It’s full of twists and surprises, hot sex, raunchy details, and lots of edges. Will you like all of the stories? Probably not. But the ones you do enjoy will quickly become favorites that you’ll come back to, again and again. So if you like to play on the edge, or if you simply get turned on thinking about it, pick up a copy of Bending and discover just how far sexy goes.

Available on Kindle, Nook, and Smashwords (audiobook and hard copy coming soon!)

The post, Bending: Dirty Kinky Stories About Pain, Power, Religion, Unicorns, & More, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

I’m Not Easy. I’m Selectively Convenient

One of the things that often surprises people is the fact that being queer, kinky, and poly doesn’t have to mean that someone is promiscuous.

“Promiscuous” is such an interesting word. My dictionary has two definitions for it:

having or characterized by many transient sexual relationships
demonstrating or implying an undiscriminating or unselective approach; indiscriminate or casual

Now, I’ve had quite a few “transient sexual relationships” in my time. Some of them were no longer than half an hour and others have included dates once or twice a year, over the course of many years. Sometimes, I’ll have a series of dates with the same person for a few months before we part ways, and other times we’ll develop a sexual connection based on “I’ll see you when I see you.” I think that most folks would consider the majority of these “transient.” At the same time, my approach has been anything but “undiscriminating or casual.”

I have high standards for what I want from a sexual connection, and I have high standards for the people I create those with. I expect people to come to it with an open heart, to be able to tell me their wants, needs, & boundaries, to be able to hear mine in return, and to find a way to have fun within those parameters. I require honesty around their safer sex and STI background. And I demand that they respect both my relationship with my partner, and the boundaries that grow from that. That’s a lot to ask for, and that doesn’t even begin to cover the question of our individual sexual preferences and kinks. Granted, I enjoy a fairly wide range of pleasures, but that doesn’t guarantee a good fit.

So I’m definitely not “promiscuous” by the second definition of the term and I think it’s pretty telling that the word is based on the assumption that having many sexual partners means not having a selective approach. I filter out a lot of people. It’s just that the circles I move through are full of folks who are tall enough to ride this ride, so I can have high standards and still have multiple partners.

When a friend jokingly told me that I’m easy, I instantly replied, “I’m not easy. I’m selectively convenient.” I don’t play hard to get, and that doesn’t mean that I’m easy. I expect a lot and if I don’t get it, I’ll start a conversation to see if that will change. If it becomes clear that I won’t get what I want and need, or that I’m not offering what the other person needs, I’ll disengage with as much grace as possible. On the other hand, once I know that things line up, it all becomes pretty straightforward. That’s where the “selectively convenient” piece comes in, because I’ll do what I can to make things as smooth as possible.

Being selectively convenient is sort of similar to how some dogs and cats operate. They’ll check someone out to see if they want their attention. If the answer is yes, they go all in. If the answer is no, they back off. And for some animals, the “yes” list is pretty small, but they don’t hold back from the people who are on it.

I think “selectively convenient” is a fine thing in any kind of relationship. If you’re monogamous, all that means is that your selection process is different from mine. For that matter, if you have multiple partners, you probably a have different selection process than I do because you have different needs. Within whatever structure you create, can you make your sexual relationship more graceful? Can you reduce the friction and increase the pleasure? Can you bring more flow to your sex? What would it look like to bring more ease to your sex life, to your partner(s), and to your relationship(s)?

If you want to figure out what “selectively convenient” means for you, start by thinking about what your selection process is. What are your wants and needs? What are your filters? Can you share them with a partner in such a way that they can hear it and respond? Are you open to their replies? And how will you talk with them to find the overlap between what you each offer and what you each want?

Those conversations take a bit of practice to manage with grace, especially when there aren’t a lot of role models for how to do it. Fortunately, there are some great resources that can help. Reid Mihalko’s safer sex elevator speech makes it easier to talk about your safer sex needs. Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up is great for anyone interested in having multiple partners because she interviewed folks in many different kinds of open relationships about what worked for them. I really like yes/no/maybe lists for figuring out what kinds of sexual pleasures might be fun. In many US cities, there are growing communities and social scenes where you can meet other folks who are exploring similar experiences. Even if you’re not looking for another partner, simply going to events and meeting other selectively convenient people can be a wonderful experience. And if you want some suggestions that are more tailored to your needs, you might consider working with a sex or relationship coach. That’s a great way to get some support and ideas that are specific to your situation and your goals.

Whatever your personal vision of what “selectively convenient” might mean, and whatever path you choose, think about how you’re holding yourself back. Then imagine what it would be like if you didn’t do that anymore. You’ll probably discover that it’s a lot easier to get there and the rewards are definitely worth it.

The post, I’m Not Easy. I’m Selectively Convenient, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

What’s The Big Deal About Women Earning More Than Men?

About ten years ago, Laurie Toby Edison published Familiar Men, a book of non-erotic nudes of men. It’s an amazing book, and I was proud to contribute The Day I Found My Ass for it. Edison captured some deeply moving images of men of many different ages, races, and backgrounds to show how our perception of nudity and sexualization differ when men are the focus, rather than women.

I remember going to one of her signings and hearing her talk about the response her photos received. Edison said that one of the most common questions she heard was, “What do these men do?” It took her by surprise, until she realized that most people are used to looking at how men are dressed and how we act in order to figure out what we do for a living. So many of the definitions of masculinity are tied up in being a provider, being a worker, being a breadwinner, that when the visual cues are taken away, a lot of people are confused. Of course, that’s really only the case in non-sexual photos like those in Familiar Men, and there aren’t too many of those. How many nude images of men can you think of that weren’t intended to be sexual?

I’ve been thinking about this in light of the recently-released study showing that 4 out of 10 US households with children have mothers who are the primary or sole earner for her family and the predictable right-wing freakout about that. I think it’s important to unpack what it means when someone like conservative radio host Brian Fischer means when he says, “I don’t think it’s a healthy dynamic to have a wife outearn her husband, because so much of his sense of worth as a male is tied up with what he does vocationally.” Why is so much of men’s self-worth tied to how we labor? Why is what we do for a living one of the first things people ask about?

“What do you do?” is one of the most common party conversation openers. Of course, that’s an easy topic to talk about, though I wonder if social conventions will change in response to our disastrous economy and the desire to avoid unpleasant topics at a dinner party. But why do so many men base their sense of personal value on what their income is? And why do so many women in these situations do more childcare and household labor to bolster their partners’ egos?

This seems like an especially important question to consider in a world in which global wealth inequality is growing faster than ever.

If these right wing pundits really want to make it possible for male-female couples to raise children on one income, they might consider pushing for the economic structures that would make that possible. But leaving aside their logical inconsistencies and how they deal with cognitive dissonance by insisting that men are designed (despite the actual science) to be the breadwinners, it seems to me that masculinity is at a turning point.

For a long time, we’ve defined masculinity in terms of “performance.” Using things like job performance, sexual performance, or athletic performance as our measuring tools creates men who look strong, but are hollow on the inside. When jobs are lost or bodies change, when the performance shifts, many men struggle with their self-worth. It’s in these situations that men’s egos get coddled, because that seems easier than reinventing what it means to be a man.

I think it’s time for us to stop defining our value by looking at how we perform. I think it’s time for us to ask ourselves what value be bring to our relationships, to our communities, and to the world. I want to see masculinity defined as something more than how well we score.

That’s not an easy path because it means that we need to look at how fear and shame have been used to control us. We need to explore the messages we’ve been forced to accept about ourselves. We need to create our self-worth, instead of getting it from performing to some external standard. And we need to learn new tools for dealing with the parts of ourselves that we’ve been avoiding. In my work as a coach, I’ve spoken with a lot of men and their partners about these kinds of things and I’m always amazed at the courage it takes to step out of the Act Like a Man Box.

And that’s the turning point we’re at. It’s time for us to be brave enough to decide that being a man isn’t about performance or scoring. It’s time to make it about something that really matters.

The post, What’s The Big Deal About Women Earning More Than Men?, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Call for Participants: Research Looking for Lesbian/Queer Mothers of Color

This looks like a really great research project. There’s not much information about how lesbian/queer mothers of color talk with their children about sexuality, so everyone pretty much has to figure it out on their own or with friends. It’s about time that someone gave it the attention it deserves.

See below for info and please feel free to share this widely.

I am recruiting participants for an exciting study about the ways in which lesbian/queer mothers of color teach their children about sexuality. I would sincerely appreciate your sharing the following information about this study with your friends, family and colleagues who may fit the below criteria.

WHO: I am seeking women of color who engage in sexual and/or romantic relationships with other women and have at least one child between the ages of 9 and 16. The interview will take approximately two hours and as a token of appreciation participants will be given a $25 gift card to Amazon.com.

ABOUT THE STUDY: With respect to the sensitive nature of this study I hope to convey the importance this study has for the LGBT and parenting community.

My study is called “Maternal Communication About Sexuality: Lesbian/Queer Women of Color” and will explore how mothers think about sexuality and their experiences conveying sexuality to their children. My hope is that learning from current parents may provide others with ways to create a safe and inclusive environment for children to explore their own sexuality. This study has important meaning for clinicians and parents and can provide input on how to communicate sexuality to children, as well as aid lesbian/queer parents in preparing their children for the “coming-out” process to friends and peers. Participation in this study may provide parents with the opportunity to explore, discuss and reflect upon how they communicate with their child about sexuality as it relates to their own culture and sexual identity.

Please be assured that any person who participates in this study will not be identified in my study, nor will their affiliation with you or any particular organization. This study is under the supervision of Dr. Harriet Curtis-Boles and has been reviewed and received clearance through the Alliant International University Institutional Review Board. As part of my dissertation in pursuit of my doctorate in Clinical Psychology at the California School of Professional Psychology, this study will contribute to the research on parent-child dialogue surrounding sexuality and support parents in their engagement with their child’s psychosexual development.

If you have any questions about this study or are interested in participating, please contact me at (415) 812-4790; mkatz1@alliant.edu. I appreciate your time and support.

Sincerely,

Madeleine Katz

The post, Call for Participants: Research Looking for Lesbian/Queer Mothers of Color, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Blog Tour & Giveaway for The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure

Things have been really exciting around here lately. Aislinn and I have been on the road to get the word out about The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure and we’ve had a great time. So far, we’ve been to Boston, Seattle (twice), Portland, LA, San Diego, Albuquerque, Santa Cruz, and a bunch of places throughout the San Francisco Bay Area. Our tour is going to cover most of the US and parts of Canada and we’d love to see you when we’re in your town. Check out our schedule for all of our upcoming dates.

We’re also taking things in a different direction this week with our blog tour. We’ll be showing up at some of our favorite websites. Look for posts and reviews by Greta Christina, Adriana Ravenlust, Clitical.com, Sex City Radio, BoyCulture.com, and Sexational. I’m excited to see what these amazing folks have to say about the book!

If you haven’t had a chance to pick up your copy of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, or if you have someone you’d like to send one to, we’re doing a giveaway. If you’re the lucky winner, you’ll get one sent right to your door. Simply login below and click as many of the entry options as you want. You can enter by following us on Facebook or Twitter, tweeting about the contest, or naming your favorite prostate toy. A winner will be picked on May 29 and will be notified by email. Good luck and have fun!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

 

The post, Blog Tour & Giveaway for The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Groundbreaking Legal News: Hopsital Sued For Surgery On An Intersex Child

This is really amazing news. For the first time, a lawsuit has been filed because of a surgery performed on an intersex child.

For many years, medical professionals have pressured parents of children with intersex conditions to consent to surgery to try to “fix” them. Not only do the surgeries not do what the doctors promise, they often lead to other difficulties, such as reduced sexual sensation, sexual dysfunction, scarring and chronic pain, and the assigned sex might not be how that person’s gender identity develops. Plus, there’s often a lot of fear, silence, secrecy, and shame around it.

Advocates for Informed Choice has been working to give parents and families the information they need to be able to make their decisions without being pressured by medical staff. Now, they’ve partnered with the Southern Poverty Law Center, and pro bono counsel for the private law firms of Janet, Jenner & Suggs and Steptoe & Johnson LLP to file a lawsuit against the South Carolina Department of Social Services, Greenville Hospital System, Medical University of South Carolina and individual employees for performing an irreversible and medically unnecessary surgery on an infant in the state’s care.

The child, M.C., was born with an intersex condition that resulted in sexual organs that could not be easily labeled as male or female. While they didn’t know what gender identity would eventually develop for M.C., the defendants performed surgery and removed his healthy phallus in order to make him a girl. At eight years old, M.C. has identified as a boy and shows signs of developing a male gender identity. Many of these surgeries are forced on children and their families without being medically necessary. It makes much more sense to assign a gender at birth, while also making room for the child to develop their ow gender identity and make their own decisions about their bodies.

According to the AIC press release:

The lawsuit charges that the defendants’ actions violated the Due Process Clause of the U.S. Constitution by subjecting M.C. to “a medically unnecessary surgery that altered M.C.’s body and permanently limits M.C.’s ability to procreate without notice or a hearing to determine whether the procedure was in M.C.’s best interest.”

The lawsuit also charges that the doctors committed medical malpractice by failing to obtain adequate informed consent before proceeding. The defendants told M.C.’s guardians to allow the sex assignment surgery but did not include information concerning the significant risks of the surgery or the alternative of not having surgery at all. Most important, they did not notify them the surgery itself was medically unnecessary.

It’s unfortunate that it takes something like this to change the medical system that has been harming so many people. But attitudes about gender and reinforcing the gender binary are slow to adapt to more current understandings of how bodies and gender work. I hope that this lawsuit will bring some much-needed attention to this issue and help people see that adults’ anxiety about gender differences doesn’t need to be imposed on the bodies of children.

If you can, please support Advocates for Informed Choice by helping them to get the word out. Share this post, let folks know about what they do, follow them on Twitter and Facebook, and donate what you can. These are great folks doing amazing work and they need our help to make it happen.

The post, Groundbreaking Legal News: Hopsital Sued For Surgery On An Intersex Child, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Efficient Hedonism

I’m a big fan of efficient hedonism. Let me tell you what that means.

I once read a story about an 80-year-old judo master who had been studying martial arts ever since he was a child. He said that when he was younger, he could have less-than-perfect form and make up for it with strength and flexibility, but now that he was old, his form had to be in perfect alignment. When we act in alignment with our goals and intentions, we’re more efficient because we don’t waste as much energy and time. We don’t create as much friction, so we can move from A to B with more grace and speed. That’s a lesson we can apply to any part of our lives, especially our sex lives and our pursuit of pleasure.

A lot of people hear phrases like “the pursuit of pleasure” and assume that it means wallowing in sensual experiences at the cost of one’s health and well-being, but that’s not what I mean by it. In her book The Pleasure Zone, sex therapist Stella Resnick identifies eight kinds of pleasure:

Primal pleasure and surrender
Pain relief
Elemental pleasures such as play, laughter, and movement
Mental pleasures
Emotional pleasures
Sensual pleasures
Sexual pleasures
Spiritual pleasures

For me, the pursuit of pleasure means acting in ways that expand my ability to experience all of these. I don’t want to focus so much on one that I decrease my capacity for another, such as when someone gets so hooked on the pleasure of drugs that they don’t see the physical and emotional damage they’re causing. Efficient hedonism means looking at all of my actions and how they affect me and the people around me. Without that context, it can easily slide into wallowing in unhealthy patterns.

So why do I think this matters? Because I enjoy pleasure and I want to experience as much of it as I can during my short time in this world. When it ends, I want to look back on my life and be glad that I had an amazing time. I want to wring every delicious drop of delight out of it and drink it all. I see a lot of people spinning their wheels or using up all of their energy in friction, which creates heat, but not much else. I don’t want to do that, and that means being as efficient as I can be.

There are lots of ways to do that. Being open and honest about my intentions, desires, and what I can offer is probably the biggest piece. While it’s not a guarantee against friction and drama, at least it lets me point out that I said exactly what I was offering. I find that it invites a prospective partner to do the same, which gives us room to see if we have overlap in what we’re looking for. It also makes space for us to each say yes or no, make a counteroffer, ask questions, and look for some flexibility in what we’re seeking. A deep commitment to honesty and clear communication is essential to the pursuit of efficient hedonism.

Another piece is making sure that everyone is taken care of and everything is cleaned up. A dinner party isn’t over until all the dishes are washed and put away, and a sexual experience isn’t finished until everyone involved feels complete with it. I always drop an email or a text the next day, just to say that I had a fun time and check that my partner(s) did, too. That gives the other person room to let me know if there’s anything that they need to touch base about. If something has come up for them, I make time for a conversation so we can work it out. I’d much rather do that than have unfinished business, and anyway, it makes the odds of another date with that person go way up. Being efficient means looking for possible rough spots, and then doing what I can to smooth them out.

Efficient hedonism also means being willing to follow the pleasure and let go of whatever expectations I had at the start. If my goal is to have a specific kind of sexual interaction, it’s easy to get so attached to that idea of what’ll happen that I forget to enjoy the moment. When my goal is to co-create an amazing experience, I can adjust to the needs of the moment and have a great time. Resisting reality is both pointless and incredibly inefficient. Desire is fine. Attachment to the outcome of desire gets in the way. Letting go of it takes practice, and one reward is getting to have more fun.

I’ve had plenty of experiences during which I was surprised at how much fun something new or unexpected was, so I’m willing to try almost anything twice. Anytime we try something new, there’s going to be a learning curve, so working with that process is a big part of efficient hedonism. That might mean geeking out and figuring out how to do it again. It might mean deciding that a particular activity isn’t my thing. But whatever the response for a particular situation, efficient hedonism rides the learning curve, rather than resisting it.

There’s also quite a bit of planning that goes into it. I need to manage my blood sugar, so I’ll bring a snacky bar and take a break when I need to. Or we can pause long enough to grab dinner before heading back to bed. When I was younger, I would frequently ignore my body’s needs in order to have sex, which led to a lot of post-sex blood sugar crashes and fights. (I get cranky when I get hungry.) A little preparation avoids that and lets me have fun for much longer.

Other kinds of planning include having plenty of safer sex supplies. I have a “go kit” for quickies, and another for more extended dates and threesomes, so if something comes together at the last minute, I don’t have to pull my gear together. Condoms, gloves, lube, and a few hypoallergenic wipes- it’s not difficult to put something together and it’s always better to have safer sex supplies and not need them all than to need them and run out. Of course, I have toy bags that I can pack for whatever might be on the agenda, and the lube and condoms get restocked when I’m cleaning up after a date. That makes prep for the next time faster.

Lastly, efficient hedonism means listening to my body and recognizing when it’s time to stop. The best time to leave the table is when you’re still a little hungry, and the same thing applies to sex. Overdoing it once in a while is fine, but as a regular diet, it’s much less satisfying than having just enough. Being efficient means knowing when it’s time to stop, when it’s time to take a step back, and when I need a vacation.

Ultimately, these are the things that work for me, so you might decide that you need something different to make your hedonism more efficient. Whatever that might be, take a look at how you can make it part of your sex life. The less energy you have to put into dealing with friction, the more ease you’ll find in your relationships. As I tell a lot of the people I coach, the short-term investment of work and time pays off pretty quickly. And with a little practice, you might earn your black belt in sex, too.

The post, Efficient Hedonism, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Turn Off and Tune In

On a recent plane trip, I had the row to myself. I turned off all three video screens in my row because I dislike having a movie or TV show running if I’m not looking at it. Moving images catch my eye and I find it easier to not have them going than to ignore them.

Looking around at the other passengers, I saw that many of them were reading, talking with a companion, or typing on phones or computers. Few of them were looking at their screens, although most of them had left them turned on. The airline’s constant stream of advertising slipped around them like water around a rock in a stream.

I’m not convinced that none of it gets absorbed. I can sometimes see how memes ripple through our brains, getting passed along as we try to manipulate each other and influence how other people will act. I see how some techniques are more effective than others. I see some of the ways in which individuals, families, groups, and communities are shaped and directed by many of these messages, and how they maintain some of the patterns that diminish us, or that encourage us to act in ways that hurt ourselves and others.

These memes gather into trickles, and streams, and rivers of thought and feeling that we all swim through. I know that there are many currents that I’m unaware of, and that I understand only a fraction of the currents I can see and feel. I acknowledge that I’m also in the water, and that I absorb some of it, as well.

One way I respond to this is that I don’t have a TV show, movie, or news report going unless I’m giving it my attention. It helps me keep from being overstimulated, which goes a long way towards keeping my stress level down. On the flip side, it does mean that I’m sensitive to it.

I dislike going to bars and restaurants that have screens on, especially multiple screens. If I can see the screen anywhere in my field of vision, I have a hard time not looking, which makes it less likely that I can give my attention to whoever I’m with. When there are multiple screens, I end up scanning them over and over. After I while, I start to feel nausea, like a mild case of motion sickness.

I don’t know if I could build up resistance to that response and be able to ignore the media in ways that it looks like many other people do. I have a strong suspicion that instead, I’d end up numbing myself out in order to tolerate something that I find unpleasant. Numbing out in any part of our bodies, hearts, and minds can often lead to numbing out during sex.

One reason I cultivate mindfulness is that it has made sex a whole lot better for me. I’m able to notice and feel things that used to be too subtle for me. Giving my attention to the subtle things makes it easier to create a strong container for a sexual experience and for a relationship. And that allows us to dive deeper, to create more heat, and to build more passion. The more resilient the furnace, the bigger the fire it can hold. It’s often the small things that make that work, and being able to see and respond to them makes a big difference. That’s only one way in which mindfulness can bear fruit. But as someone who’s dedicated to efficient hedonism and to creating as much room for safety, connection, and pleasure as possible, it sure is good motivation.

So coming back to the way in which so many people simply tune out the incessant moving images in their worlds, I have to wonder how many of them are tolerating something unpleasant without noticing how it affects them? How many people are simply so used to it that they aren’t even aware of it anymore? And how much might their lives improve if they turned off the screens and learned how to give their attention to the here and now?

I don’t think that there’s any real way to answer that question, and ultimately, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is what you do about it. Here’s a suggestion: when you aren’t using them, turn off the TV and sleep the computer (or turn the monitor off, or use a blank screen as a screen saver). You can also cover the TV with some fabric, if you find it catching your attention, even when it’s turned off. Try it for a week and notice what happens. Try it for a month and see if it affects your relationships. Try it for a year and discover how much better it makes your sex life. It’s not like there’s anything to lose, and there’s a lot to gain.

The post, Turn Off and Tune In, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

I Had To Learn To Receive Before I Could Learn To Ask

I’ve been leaning into some edges lately and learning how to ask people for help.

Specifically, asking people I don’t know well for things has been a difficult thing for me. It’s been coming up since I’ve been on tour for The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure because I’ve asked a few people I didn’t know all that well if I could stay at their places when I was in town. I’ve needed to keep this tour on a tight budget and not paying for hotels has made a big difference. Plus, it’s more fun to stay with awesome people, to see a side of their cities that I wouldn’t have if I’d been on my own, and to get to know them and their families better. But it’s definitely an edge for me.

Asking for what I want and need has been one of my challenges ever since I was a kid, for several different reasons. Changing my relationship to that has been a slow process, mostly because I had a lot of anticipatory shame around it. Anticipatory shame is when you expect or anticipate being rejected or shamed for something, so you hold back from doing it. It can have a deep impact on any of our relationships, especially because even acknowledging it or talking about it can trigger it. So I used to have a lot of fear around asking for help or for favors if I thought it might be inconvenient for the other person or if I wasn’t really sure they’d say yes.

I’d been looking for ways to change that for a while, and having some success, when I attended a workshop with Thorn Coyle. She compared giving and receiving to pouring water out of a pitcher or filling it up. A lot of people pour and pour their energy out without asking anyone to return the favor. And she pointed out that when we do that, we refuse them the opportunity to give back. When we we do that, we take away their ability to experience the joys of giving. It really struck me when Thorn said that when we can receive, we give people the chance to have pleasure of giving. After all, I enjoy giving people things they enjoy, so why was I refusing others the opportunity to do that with me?

That took quite a while to really sink in for me because of all of the anticipatory shame I had around asking. But there were three things that helped me change that.

First, I had to learn to receive verbal appreciation. I stopped spinning my wheels when a friend got fed up with my deflecting her compliments and told me that when I did something great, she would repeat her compliment until I said “thank you,” rather than minimizing it or changing the subject. The first time out, it took a few tries before I could even get the words out, and even then, I was bright red from embarrassment and couldn’t look her in the eye. Two definite signs of shame.

The second is that my partner started helping me learn to receive gifts and acts of service without expecting that there would be strings attached. That was a difficult one for me because part of me insisted that I needed to keep score in order to make sure that we were even. Until I learned that she truly enjoys doing things for me, and understood that my resistance to that had felt like a rejection to her, I didn’t see that by trying to avoid my anticipatory shames, I was creating more disconnection in our relationship. Allowing myself to receive was scary because it felt so vulnerable. Fear of shame is one of the things that keeps us from stepping into vulnerability. And the only way to build a relationship is to make room for vulnerability. It took a lot to trust both my partner and myself, and to learn to accept what she offered.

The third big piece for me has been learning how to ask without having an attachment to the answer. One tool that made that easier was figuring out how to integrate consent into my request. While that’s certainly a great skill to use around sex, that’s not the only place it can be useful. I like to start with an “if” statement before I state my request. For example:

If you’re in the mood, I’d like to go get some dinner.

If you’re up for it, I’d enjoy kissing you.

If you’ll be around and it’s not a hassle, may I stay at your house?

Making it clear that the other person’s consent is the foundation of my statement or request gives them the room and the permission to say yes or no, to make a counteroffer, or to ask for more information. And having the tools to ask for things so that the other person has that freedom helps me feel more comfortable because I can trust that they won’t say yes and silently resent me for asking. It’s amazing how much that helps me lean into those edges.

Even so, I’ve noticed how scary it’s been for me to ask folks if I can stay with them if I don’t know them really well. I can much more easily trust my close friends to tell me what their availability is, and anyway, I know they enjoy my company. It’s when I ask the people I don’t know as well that this really comes up. And the more I explore my discomfort around it and ask, the more amazing experiences I’ve had. I’ve deepened some of my connections from acquaintances into solid friendships. I’ve seen a different side of some folks whom I’d only ever seen at conferences or big events. And I’ve had a lot of fun doing it.

It’s been an interesting thing. I had to learn how to receive before I could learn how to ask. In a way, that makes sense, but it’s certainly ironic. I was fortunate to have a friend and a partner who saw what I needed and could help me grow into it. And as a sex educator, I have to wonder how often my colleagues and I are going about it backwards. We often tell people that sex works best when you can ask for what you want, and that’s absolutely true. But I can’t help but think that we sometimes forget that not only are there a lot of reasons for people to have difficulty asking, there are also a lot of reasons people have difficulty opening up to receiving, to trusting another person’s offerings, to allowing ourselves the freedom to accept them. And until we have developed some capacity for that, how in the world can we expect ourselves to ask for what we want?

It takes practice to be able to receive with grace and with gratitude. Learning how to do that and building shame resilience has given me some wonderful opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if I’d held myself back. If you find it challenging, try and see if there are ways to explore your edges around it. The rewards will be well worth it.

The post, I Had To Learn To Receive Before I Could Learn To Ask, is from Charlie Glickman's website.

Shaming Boys and Coddling Men

I recently discovered a post that Yahsar All wrote last year about the ways in which men are often coddled around their emotions by the women in their lives. Rather than expecting guys to speak up about their feelings, to apologize when they need to, to express their needs and desires, many women will say things like “This is his way of showing that he loves me” or “He’s trying his best”. Of course, this isn’t universal, nor it is limited to m/f relationships, but it is pretty common and it’s worth looking at these patterns.

The short answer is that feeling and expressing emotions is in direct conflict with the performance of masculinity, but I think there’s more to it than that. In particular, we need to look at the gendered ways in which adults and peers teach boys and men that to not have feelings, and to bottle them up when they do happen.

A lot of women make excuses for the inability or unwillingness of their boyfriends/husbands/male partners to talk about their emotions. When these women have children, it really shouldn’t be a surprise when they aren’t able to teach their sons the emotional skills to talk about their feelings. How can you teach someone to do something when you don’t know what it would look like? Plus, there’s a good chance of reenacting the same patterns with children that we have with our partners or that we saw growing up. At the risk of making an overgeneralization, women who coddle men around their feelings often do the same with their sons. It’s a chicken and egg sort of situation, and the cycle is passed from generation to generation.

Meanwhile, the men in these scenarios aren’t teaching emotional skills to their sons, either. Having feelings is outside the Act Like a Man Box, so simply having them can trigger shame, anger, sadness, and grief. That adds an additional intensity to the emotions that are already present and that, by definition, these guys are unable to experience without distress. Withdrawal or lashing out in anger are what people often do in those moments, regardless of their gender. However, given the violence that often erupts when men face these challenges, it’s no wonder that men get coddled. Whatever the details of a given relationship pattern, many men aren’t giving their sons the skills they need.

Of course, not all families are made up of one male parent and one female parent. Couples of other gender combinations and families with other structures often have different ways of teaching their children about these sorts of things, although that’s certainly not always the case. And it does seem to be true that more parents are offering their sons better ways of dealing with emotions than in previous generations.

Even if a boy’s parents do model and teach him how to tap into his emotional intelligence, peers (especially other boys) often make it hard to keep practicing them. They can shame and mock boys who are “too sensitive” or who cry when they feel sad. They can force him to “man up” and hide what he feels. They can bully him into forcing himself into the Act Like a Man Box. And when he starts dating and exploring relationships, they can make it harder for him to navigate the emotional ups and downs that happen by not giving him opportunities for support. The parents I know who are teaching their sons relationship and emotional skills have usually laid a solid foundation that reduces any negative effects from peers. But even so, there are often a few years when their teens are especially challenging because they’re trying to balance how much their parents influence them and how much effect other teens have.

So given this overly simplistic description of these dynamics, what do we do about it?

Men, whether we’re parents or not, need to step up and learn how to make room for our feelings, how to talk about them, and how to manage them. In short, we need to develop emotional intelligence. Not only does that help us create happier relationships and avoid resentment (which is the biggest relationship killer), it gives us much more power in our lives. Instead of running and hiding from our feelings, we can listen to them and work with them. We can take responsibility for them, and for how we respond to them. That lets us live our lives without fearing our emotions because we know that we can ride them instead of letting the wave crash down on us.

That’s not an easy path. Like learning a language or how to swim, it’s a lot easier to get the knack of it if you start when you’re young. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. In fact, it’s a lot less difficult than you think because each little success builds room for the next one. Even if it takes a few years, it’s worth it. Whether you do the work or not, you’ll be older in a few years anyway (if you’re lucky). So wouldn’t it be better to be able to look back and see how much you’ve grown, rather than being stuck in the same place? I think that what direction we’re facing and how much we work to move forward are often more important that where we are.

At the same time, the women in our lives need to stop coddling us. They need to make room for our learning curves, for our explorations and mistakes, and for our not fitting into their expectations about who we are. In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown observes that while women tend to feel shame for being imperfect, men tend to feel shame for being weak. We often absorb that shame from women just as much as from other men. The fact that these lessons usually play out differently with women than they do with men doesn’t change how women reinforce the Act Like A Man Box. That means that women need to lean into their discomfort around men’s feelings and not try to rescue us from them.

As part of this work, men need opportunities to practice and develop emotional intelligence with people other than our partners. A lot of guys rely on their partners to be the translators of their feelings. Instead, we can integrate emotional management and negotiation into all of our relationships, both because it helps us create better friendships and connections, and because practicing with many different people helps us learn a wider variety of skills. The more tools we have, the less likely we are to see every problem as a nail.

Since I don’t have children, I don’t feel qualified to describe how parents can foster emotional intelligence in their sons. That seems like something best discussed by someone who’s done it. Talking with other parents who are working on it can also be really helpful, and there are more books and online resources on these topics than ever before. What I can say, however, is that something needs to change in this cycle. Boys who are shamed for their feelings grow up to be boyfriends/husbands who get coddled and fathers who can’t help their own sons to do things differently. They can also become the men who use anger to try to keep the feelings at bay. Not only doesn’t that work, it can easily become the violence that wounds and scars everyone it touches. If you want things to change, then take a look at how you keep the cycle going and seek new ways to deal with it.

Besides, having some skill at working with emotions and big feelings will make your own life better. The more you can build emotional resilience and the greater your capacity to experience your inner world, the more stable your friendships and relationships become. And the more you can express what’s going on for you and honor what other people feel, the better you’ll be at overcoming conflict and finding solutions that genuinely work for everyone.

My yoga teacher likes to say that the pain with yoga is better than the pain without yoga. I think that applies here, too. The pain of healing past wounds and developing new skills is much better than the pain that arises from being stuck, from lashing out, or from running from your feelings. It might not seem like it right now, but trust me- it is. And the benefits are well worth it.

 

The post, Shaming Boys and Coddling Men, is from Charlie Glickman's website.