Brian Francis's Blog, page 17

Eggnog Dessert

It seems like every nationality has a beverage they’re most associated with. Italians have wine. British people have tea. The folks from IKEA have glögg. And cakers? Why, we cherish a thick, yellow drink made from unfertilized eggs.

I don’t know why cakers go cuckoo for eggnog. Is it because eggnog is only available at Christmas? Is it the cinnamon dusting on top? Or is it because it gives us another excuse to put rum into something?

Here’s a recipe that solidifies eggnog. So you can eat it instead of drinking it. Well, maybe not eat. More like slap it around in your mouth. I know it looks like a giant skin blister but when has visual appeal ever stopped cakers before? Just stick a poinsettia in it or spray with that fake snow stuff and you’ll have everyone slapping back seconds.

P.S. Yes, this looks a lot like my Maple Fluff. I'm opening a bake shop that sells only greyish-beige wobbly things.

1 litre carton of eggnog
2 envelopes of unflavoured gelatine, softened in cold water

In a heavy saucepan, heat the eggnog until almost boiling. Add the softened gelatine and whisk slowly to thoroughly mix and dissolve gelatine. Pour into a mold and place in refrigerator to set. Serve plain or with a garnish of fruit fruit, cream or shaved chocolate.

Source: Celebration Cookbook, Canadian Bible Society

Reader's Digest Christmas Tree

Cakers love Reader’s Digest. It’s like the casserole of magazines. Take some health tips, add a dash of fire prevention, whisk in a few jokes, sprinkle an Anne Murray interview on top, eh voila – dinner is served! Simply put, it’s the biggest magazine in the smallest amount of time. And if that doesn’t sum up the caker way of life, I don’t know what does.

Here’s another bonus – you can make Christmas trees out of old issues! Just note that one magazine only makes a half tree. So either put your tree in front of a wall or use two magazines to make a whole one. Or keep turning your half tree around as your guests move around the room.


Special thanks to Caker Cooking reader Stephanie for telling me about this!

Here's how you make one:

Take a Reader’s Digest, preferably with a photo of a firefighter carrying an elderly person on the cover.








Fold the upper corner down to make a big triangle. Then fold the lower corner up. Do this over and over until your fingers hurt real bad. Tear off the covers.







And there you have it!

Leave it as-is or spray paint the crap out of it.

Peanut Butter Bonbons

Aren’t Pot of Gold chocolates stressful? There you are on Christmas morning and someone passes you the box and you have to examine the legend, figure out what you want, and then find the matching chocolate. All while your family is screaming, “PASS THE BOX ALREADY!” It’s like a relay race for the unathletic and easily-confused.

My sister would avoid the pressure by bypassing the legend and taking whatever chocolate caught her eye. Then, if she didn’t like it, she’d put the half-eaten chocolate back into the box before moving on to the next one. She'll try to deny this, but I’ve got the dental molds to prove it.

Speaking of chocolates, these homemade bonbons will no doubt take their place on caker Christmas platters around the world. They taste just like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. And talk about easy! Why, these balls practically make themselves. Try making them with dry roasted peanuts for an extra punch of flavour. I guarantee you won’t find a single half-eaten ball.

1 cup peanut butter
1 cup icing sugar
1 cup finely chopped peanuts

3-4 squares semi-sweet chocolate
2-3 teaspoons butter

Mix first 3 ingredients together. Roll into small balls. Refrigerate 1 hour. Melt chocolate and butter in double boiler. Dip peanut butter balls in chocolate and refrigerate.

Source: A Commemorative Cookbook…with a “Pinch of History,” Whitby Psychiatric Hospital

Sad Santa

Remember those Led Zepplin records that, when played backwards, said horrible things like, "I love Satan," and "Kids, eat your vegetables?" A Caker Cooking reader asked me to look at my Santa statue upside down. I thought I'd see something terrifying. But instead, he looks sad.

His forehead lines are his downturned mouth and he's looking off into the corner. What does he see? World hunger? The new Kardashian holiday photo? Who knows? In any case, I wanted to share it with you.

Check out the original here.

On that depressing note, come back Monday for some chocolate-dipped holiday happiness.

Christmas Tree Cake

During Bazaar-o-Rama, I bought the Cut-Up Cake Party Book which shows you how to make different shaped cakes like spaceships and turkeys. There was one for a Christmas tree and I thought, “Looks easy enough.”

I should’ve known better. I often sit in front of puzzles and cry. So even though this cake looks like a tree, the tinted coconut and icing is covering up a lot of Franken-weirdness underneath.

Now, I’m about to say two things that terrify me:

1) Make your cake from scratch. The reason being is that I used a cake mix and the cake was too light. It was hard cutting the pieces. So you need a dense cake.

2) Make the icing from scratch. One container of Duncan Hines frosting will NOT give you the coverage you need to hide your screw-ups. I made the Seven Minute Frosting the book suggested. It rocked. Even if it took, like, seven minutes.

While I’d like to take credit for the decorating, I can’t. My niece did that. She's obviously way more talented than her uncle.

My fellows cakers, if you decide to make this, remain calm. Reserve one day for figuring out how to bake a cake from scratch, one day for making the frosting and one day for decorating. Christmas may be over by the time you finish, but that's the risk you take.

Here’s what you need:

1 baked 9-inch square cake
5 ½ cups Seven Minute Frosting, tinted green (recipe follows)
1 ½ cups flaked coconut
½ cup chocolate coated coconut
Green food colouring
Decorations
Candles

So do this with the cake:





















Then do this:





















Tint the coconut by adding a ½ teaspoon of milk and few drops of colouring and toss it with a fork.

For the trunk, melt one square of Baker’s chocolate. Add the coconut and mix well. Spread on a baking sheet and separate coconut with a fork. Chill until set.

Seven Minute Frosting
3 egg whites, unbeaten
2 ¼ cups sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
½ cup water
1 tablespoon light corn syrup
1 ½ teaspoons vanilla

Combine egg whites, sugar, salt, water and corn syrup in top of two-quart double boiler. Beat about 1 minute, or until thoroughly mixed. Then place over boiling water and beat constantly with rotary beater (or at high speed of electric mixer) seven minutes, or until frosting will stand in stiff peaks. (Stir frosting up from bottom and sides of pan occasionally with rubber scraper, spatula or spoon.)

Remove from boiling water. For a very smooth and satiny frosting, pour at once into a large bowl for final beating. Then add vanilla and beat for one minute or until thick enough to spread.

Put the frosting on the cake, the coconut and the decorations. Then mop the sweat from your brow.

Source: Baker's Cut-Up Cake Party Book

(Looks how everyone seems to be having a good time. Obviously, none of them have made a cut-up cake.)

Walnut Mice

It twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a…walnut?!?

Oh, ha ha! I meant a mouse.

Or did I?

My month-long Caker Christmas celebrations continue with this squeaklingly fun Christmas craft. Alls you need are walnuts, five minutes and a vision. Oh, and googly eyes.





Here’s how you make them:

1) Buy some walnuts. Make sure they’re still in the shell. Otherwise, your mice will look weird.

2) Take something sharp and split open the walnuts.

3) Scrape out the nuts and reserve for your next batch of Church Windows. Or mix with vanilla ice cream, top with maple syrup and serve to a senior. They go bonkers for maple walnut ice cream.

4) Glue some googly eyes onto the shell, along with a pompom for a nose and two for the ears. Take a pipe cleaner and twist it around your finger. Then glue the tail to the back of the shell.

It’s that easy! If you really want to get creative, put some wires in the nose for whiskers. Or make a miniature Santa Claus hat. Or a smart little pantsuit. The sky’s the limit!

See you back here on Friday for a tree-tastic recipe.

Church Windows

Welcome to my month-long Caker Christmas Extravaganza! Throughout December, I'm posting weekly thricely. Wait. Does that make sense?

I couldn’t think of a more festive way to kick off the celebrations than with the stained glass majesty of Church Windows. Can’t you just hear the out-of-sync senior choir now? In fact, you couldn’t get any more festive unless you ate one while dancing to Grandma Got Run Over Reindeer in a pair of knitted slippers with a maraschino cherry stuck to your nose.

Word to the wise: when rolling these, it can get a little messy. Roll them up using a piece of waxed paper so your hands don’t get all choclity.

See you on Wednesday with a “nutty” holiday craft!

1 16 oz package semi sweet chocolate chips
3 cups coloured miniature marshmallows
¼ cup butter or margarine
½ cup pecans or walnuts (optional)
½ cup shredded coconut

Melt butter in saucepan over low heat. Add chocolate chips and melt. Cool. Stir in marshmallows and nuts. Divide in half and shape each half into a 6-inch roll. Roll each in coconut and wrap in waxed paper. Keep refrigerated until ready to use. Cut in 1/2" slices. Makes 24.

Source: Season’s Delights, presented by the Ladies of Parklawn Presbyterian Church

(Yep, that's a real construction paper cover with a piece of green ribbon holding everything together. It doesn't get more high tech than that.)

Caker Christmas 2013

Holy crap! It's Christmas!

Well, almost.

And that means it's time for my month-long Caker Christmas extravaganza. Starting Monday, December 2, I'll be posting three times a week. No need to pinch yourself; you're not dreaming.

As if that weren't exciting enough, I'll also post all the highlights from my Caker Christmas party on December 21. That's when I force invite my Italian friends and in-laws to make and eat caker food. Call it just desserts for calling us cakers in the first place.

Speaking of desserts, come back Monday for some caker granny holiday goodness.

Bazaar-o-Rama Week 4

Oh, no! It's the end of Bazaar-o-Rama! Whatever am I going to do on Saturday mornings now? Oh, right. Sleep.

So what treasures did I find my final week touring church bazaars? Click here or on the tab in the upper right corner.

Stovetop Potpourri

Since starting Caker Cooking in 2011, I’ve made some pretty unappetizing things. Who could forget the terribleness of “This is Terrible - The Soda is Overwhelming” Cherry Pudding or the nothingness of Cheese Snacks or the horror of Special K Meatless Roast?

Just when I thought it wasn't possible, the caker elevator plummeted another floor down.

When I saw this recipe, I figured “potpourri” was some kind of French gourmet word. And it looked easy enough to make.

Let me go on record by saying this is the worst soup I ever ate! It tasted like someone stirred it with a sweaty gym sock. The caraway seeds got caught in my teeth and the cinnamon stick was impossible to gnaw through. (I gave up after an hour and then made a dentist appointment.)

While it made my kitchen smell nice (for once), I wouldn’t recommend you make this soup. Ever. Just do yourself a favour and stick to Campbell’s cream-of-anything.

On a brighter note, Caker Christmas, my month-long extravaganza leading up to my annual Caker Christmas party, starts Monday, December 2. I’ll be posting three times a week. Recipes! Crafts! Thought-provoking essays! (Okay, two out of three.)

In the meantime, don't forget to check out the crap treasures I've scored so far during Bazaar-o-Rama. Click here or click the upper right hand tab. I'll update the page this Friday with my final haul.

2 bay leaves
2 cinnamon sticks
1 tablespoon each – whole allspice, cloves, caraway seeds

Bring 4 cups of water to a boil. Add above ingredients and boil 5-10 minutes. Simmer as long as desired. Add water as necessary. Refrigerate and reuse.

Source: A Taste of Friendship, Woodbridge United Church Women