Brian Francis's Blog, page 16

Sloppy Joes

Living in this fast-paced modern world is challenging for most cakers. Why, just yesterday, I had to return my VHS copy of On Golden Pond to the video store. Then I had to go the Regis Salon at the mall to get my tips frosted. Then I had to go to bowling. All this before 5pm! The last thing I had time for when I got home was forming beef patties.

Thank god for Sloppy Joes. You get all the goodness of a hamburger with a fraction of the effort. Even the condiments are included in the mixture! Just remember to tie a tea towel around your neck. They don’t call them "sloppy" for no reason. I’ve got the stained coveralls to prove it.

These call for Campbell’s Chicken Gumbo soup, which may take some cakers out of their Cream-of-Mushroom comfort zones. But there’s a world of condensed soups out there, just waiting to be added to ground meat. As Proust said: The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.

1 pound ground beef
1 tablespoon chopped onions
1 can chicken gumbo soup
2 tablespoons mustard
2 tablespoons chopped celery
2 tablespoons relish
2 tablespoons ketchup
Mushrooms (optional)

Brown ground beef and onion in fry pan. Add remaining ingredients. Serve on toasted hamburger buns.

Source: St. Luke’s United Church Cookbook

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Health Squares

The other day, as I was lying on my back, trying to do up the zipper of my Sergio Valente jeans with a coat hanger, I wondered, “Have I gained weight?” 
I mean, it’s true I’ve been eating too much Green Bean Casserole for breakfast lately. And my muffin top has become more of a muffin flop. And, if I’m going to be completelyhonest, I’ve been skipping Jazzercise class since, well, last April.
But a new year is upon us and I’m embracing a healthier way of living. It’s possible, even for low-motivation people like me. And I’m starting right here, with the wholesome deliciousness of these Health Squares.
Have you ever seen anything so packed with nature’s bounty? These have peanuts! And Rice Krispies! And peanut butter! And, uh…chocolate chips!
Wait a minute. What exactly makes these healthy?
Oh, right. Honey.
Any time a caker recipe calls for honey instead of white sugar, we get to call it health food. If only the rest of the world lived by our rules, it'd be a much happier place. Sayonara, coat hanger! I’m trading in my Sergio Valentes for a good dose of denial and a pair of blue leotards.  
1 cup peanut butter1 cup honey1 cup chocolate chips1 teaspoon vanilla3 cups Rice Krispies½ cup peanuts
Melt peanut butter and honey. Mix chocolate chips, vanilla, Rice Krispies and peanuts together. Stir both mixes together well. Place in a 9x13 pan and refrigerate at least 1 hour. Cut into squares.
Source: Culinary Creations Down The Line, Interprovincial Pipe Line Company [image error]

Magic Cake

Most of the recipes in my cookbooks have a name (usually, a woman’s) attached to them. I don’t include the names because I’m sure the last thing these women were expecting was to have their recipes featured on a caker website. Plus, you never want an angry church woman coming after you. They can run pretty fast.

Recently, one of my favourite writers, Alice Munro, won the Nobel Prize for Literature, after which every person living in a small Southern Ontario town looked up from their loom, turned towards the nearest urban centre and said, “Suck it.”

Alice’s maiden name was Laidlaw and she was born in a town called Wingham. When I came across this Magic Cake recipe, I got a little excited. It was submitted by a Laidlaw in Wingham. While it’s not Alice, I can only assume it’s her kin.

As far as the recipe, it wasn’t so magical. The sweetened condensed milk is the glue that holds it all together. If I wanted coconut and maraschino cherries, I’d sooner have a Hello Dolly. Plus, it was expensive to make (Alice’s kin must be wealthy). And there’s nothing cake-like about it. Folks, don’t call something cake if it’s not cake. You’re only setting people up for disappointment. But it tasted pretty good.

All of this is to say that I’d bet my last packet of JELL-O that Alice Munro is a caker. And when you believe a Nobel Prize winner has probably enjoyed a good mountain of Watergate Salad in her day, well, let’s just say the sky seems a little more open for the rest of us.

1 pound dates (cut up)
1 pound dry cherries (red and green)
½ pound walnuts
1 pound coconut
½ teaspoon salt
1 can Eagle Brand milk

Mix all together and bake in oven at 350° until golden brown.

Note: I used a 9 x 13 pan.

Source: Celebration Cookbook, Canadian Bible Society

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Best and Worst of 2013

There’s a mighty big ball about to drop in Times Square and Mother and I already have our party hats on. That can only mean one thing. Well, two things.

First, I'll need to make sure Mother's hat elastic isn’t too tight. (Last year’s celebration became known as the “blue face” incident.) And secondly, it’s time for my best and worst caker recipes of 2013!

Which dish walks away the champ? And which dish slithers away in shame like a lump of saturated fat on a hot linoleum floor?

Find out by clicking here or on the tab in the upper right hand corner.

Caker Christmas 2013

They were calling for an ice storm the night of my Caker Christmas party, my annual shindig where I invite my Italian in-laws and friends to make caker dishes. Either my guests don’t watch The Weather Network or they love caker food too much. It was a full house. In fact, many felt this was one of the tastiest Caker Christmases ever. Which really isn’t saying much.

Anyways, I’m having a hard time typing on account of my sodium-swollen fingers, so please excuse any typpos.

Come journey through a landscape of beige – otherwise known as the Caker Christmas spread.

Imperial Cheese Cookies
This recipe is one of the most searched recipes on my blog. These savoury cookies didn’t win over any Italian fans, though. I think Italians struggle with the idea of eating cookies as appetizers. Thankfully, I don't share that struggle.

The recipe is here. I added an extra cup of Rice Krispies on the advice of a Caker Cooking reader.






Artichoke Dip
I was told by an Italian guest that this wasn’t a caker dish. “What’s not caker about it?" I asked. “There are three ingredients.” This dip was delicious, so I have suspicions that some Italians consider any food that tastes good “non-caker.”

1 cup light mayonnaise
1 cup Parmesan cheese
8-ounce can artichokes (I used a 14-ounce can and it was fine)

Drain artichokes and cut up. Mix mayonnaise and Parmesan together with artichokes and put in a quiche dish. Bake at 350° for 35-45 minutes.

Source: Our Family Favourites, Stirling Primary/Junior School

Corn Casserole
Many Italians were surprised by how much they liked this, but I wasn’t. Hello?!? It has creamed corn. Which, in some caker circles, is also known as “crack corn.” This had a nice, subtle sweetness.

2 eggs, beaten
1 ¼ cup milk
2 – 14-oz cans creamed corn
2 ¼ cup crushed soda crackers
½ cup celery, finely diced
¼ cup onion, finely diced
¾ cup grated cheddar cheese
1 teaspoon salt
pinch black pepper
2 tablespoons melted butter
½ tsp paprika, divided

To begin, preheat your oven to 325 degrees. Grease a 2-quart baking dish or shallow casserole dish, and set it aside. In a mixing bowl, combine all of the ingredients, reserving half of the paprika. Pour all of it into the baking dish. Sprinkle the remaining paprika over the top. Bake for about 1 hour, or until golden on top, and the centre is firm, no longer jiggly.

Source: Something called “Pinterest.”

Chinese Food Casserole
Shout out to China! This dish, made by yours truly, was voted “Worst Tasting Dish” of the night. Whatever. We cakers have thick skin. BTW – this called for three cans of soup. I used only two. Even I have my limits.

1 pound ground beef
1 cup Minute Rice, cooked
1 can Chinese bean sprouts (I couldn’t find a can, so I used fresh and poured boiling water over them, which what the package said to do.)
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
1 can cream of celery soup
½ cup diced celery
½ cup diced onion
½ can Chinese noodles (I’m assuming this meant the deep-fried Chow Mein kind. I used more than a half-can. Which you can likely tell from the picture.)
1 tablespoon soy sauce

Prepare rice and set aside. Brown meat and set aside. Fry celery and onion. Mix all ingredients together except noodles. Place in large casserole and top with noodles. Bake in oven at 350° for 1 hour.

Source: Casserole Cook Book, St. Andrew’s Presbyterian

Hash Brown Casserole
My Greek friend made this and won the coveted title of the night’s “Best Tasting Dish” – for the second year in a row. I think the Italians are starting to feel threatened. Heck, I’m starting to feel threatened. I’m not inviting her next year.

1 cup onion, diced
1/4 lb. (1 stick) butter, thinly sliced
1 (8 oz.) container sour cream or plain yogurt (optional)
1 (8 oz.) pkg. Kraft Cracker Barrel sharp cheese
1 can Cream of Chicken soup
1 (2 lb.) bag frozen hash brown potatoes, thawed
1/2 to 1 cup potato chips or corn flakes

Stir together well the diced onion, sour cream or yogurt, grated cheese, thinly sliced butter, and Cream of Chicken soup. Add the hash browns and mix well. Spread this mixture evenly in a casserole dish and top with crushed chips or corn flakes. Bake at 350° 1 to 1 1/2 hours.

Source: Something called the “internet.”

Mexican Meatloaf
Shout out to Mexico! If you’ve ever wondered what the secret ingredient is in a Mexican meatloaf, it’s nacho chips. Oh, and brown sugar. Sorry the picture is a little blurry. I was a little drunk distracted.

2 pounds lean ground beef
1 medium onion, finely chopped
4 crushed garlic cloves
Fine dry bread crumbs
Finely ground nacho chips
1 tablespoon chili powder
2 jalapeno peppers, chopped
2 large eggs
½ cup chunky salsa
8 ounces cheddar cheese, cut into ¼” cubes
¼ cup brown sugar
1 tablespoon prepared mustard
¼ cup chili sauce

Combine beef, onion, garlic, bread crumbs, nacho chips, chili powder and jalapeno peppers. Add eggs and salsa. Stir. Add cheese. Mix well. Press evenly into an ungreased 9 x 5 x 3 inch loaf pan. Combine brown sugar, chili sauce and mustard in a small bowl. Mix well. Spread over beef mixture. Bake uncovered at 350° for about 90 minutes until firm. Drain any excess drippings from pan. Let stand 10 minutes before serving.

Source: Celebration Cooking, The Canadian Bible Society

Spanish Rice Casserole
Shout out to Spain! This recipe called for canned tomatoes. The woman who made it used homemade tomato sauce instead (hence the colour.) When her mother saw this, she said, “You’re wasting good sauce in that?” Everyone's a critic.

1 pound hamburger
2 medium onions, chopped
1 tablespoon chopped green pepper
½ cup uncooked rice
1 20-ounce tin tomatoes

Saute onion in greased frying pan. Add hamburger and brown. Add uncooked rice and tomatoes. Salt and pepper to taste. Cover and simmer one hour, stirring occasionally. May be made ahead of time. Put in casserole dish and reheat at 350.

Source: The New Y Cook Book

Tortellini Casserole
Shout out to Italy! The chicken coop was squawking over this one. “How can this be caker? There’s tortellini in it!” I pointed out the tortellini was covered with cheddar cheese. That seemed to shut everyone up.

¼ cup butter
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1 small onion, finely chopped
¼ cup flour
2 cups milk
1 cup diced tomatoes
1 tablespoon tomato sauce
½ teaspoon each dried thyme, basil and oregano
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper
1 pound tortellini, fresh or frozen
2 cups grated cheese – marble or cheddar
½ cup Parmesan cheese

Melt butter in large saucepan; add garlic and onion. Cook until tender. Sprinkle with flour and cook 3-4 minutes – do not brown. Whisk in milk and bring to a boil. Add tomatoes, herbs, salt and pepper. Cook 15 minutes. Meanwhile, cook tortellini in boiling salted water for 13 minutes. Drain well. Combine tortellini mixture with sauce. Add cheese and transfer to a 3 quart baking dish. Sprinkle with grated Parmesan cheese. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes until hot and brown.

Source: Celebration Cookbook, The Canadian Bible Society

No-Bake Raspberry Cheesecake Pots
These were delicious! Only downside? You have to go out and buy the jars. I say forget that and just use your leftover soup cans. Make sure you wash them out first. Cheesecake + grey bits of mushrooms = bad holiday season.

1 ½ 8-oz pkg cream cheese, at room temperature
3 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 cup heavy cream
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
8 graham crackers, ground (about 1 cup)
12 ounces fresh raspberries
½ cup raspberry jam
1 8-oz glass jars

Using an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Reduce the mixer speed to low and gradually add the heavy cream. Increase the speed to high and beat until thick and stiff, about 2 minutes. Beat in lemon juice. Spoon graham cracker crumbs into the jars. Top with cheesecake batter, raspberries and jam, alternating red layers with cheesecake batter. Refrigerate at least 2 hours before serving.

Source: Woman’s Day

S’mores Cake
This party guest said she got the recipe when she bought her slow cooker. I don’t have the recipe, but it looks like you bake a cake in a slow cooker (Why would anyone want to bake a cake as slowly as possible?), toss some marshmallows and graham crackers on top and drizzle with melted chocolate. I had s’more for breakfast.







Cool Whip Melba
You make this and then use the container as the mold. If there’s a better example of caker resourcefulness, I’d like to see it. Many people found this “tastefully refreshing.”

2 ½ cups Cool Whip
1 ½ cups finely chopped fresh peaches (about 5 medium). Or use one can (29 oz.) sliced peaches, drained and finely chopped
½ cup sugar
3 tablespoons raspberry jam
1 empty 9-oz. Cool Whip container

Tint Cool Whip to desired peach shade with food colouring (approximately 3 drops red; 7 drops yellow.) Thoroughly drain peaches, saving 3 tablespoons juice. Combine peaches, juice and sugar, stir into Cool Whip until well blended. Spoon ¼ of the peach mixture into buttered Cool Whip container; drop 1 tablespoon jam, by half teaspoonfuls, over mixture. Repeat twice. Top with remaining peach mixture. Freeze until firm – at least 8 hours or overnight. Unmold. Garnish with peach slices and additional raspberry jam, if desired.

Source: magazine clipping

And that’s it! 
Another Caker Christmas has come and gone. (Although, for most, it keeps repeating the day after.) Come back next Monday, December 29 when I post my best – and worst – recipes of 2013.


From my garishly-decorated house to yours, all the best for the holiday season!

Brian

Still hungry? Check out Caker Christmas from 2012 and 2011!

Christmas Morning Wife Saver

When it comes to the holiday season, all I can say is: God bless the caker wife.

There she is on Christmas Eve, running around in her white pumps and apron, topping up eggnogs, dumping out ashtrays, keeping the shrimp ring replenished and looking pleasantly surprised when she unwraps her husband’s gift – a pink bottle of Avon bubble bath. Again.

The last thing she wants to think about is what to feed her family on Christmas morning. Thankfully, caker wives look out for caker wives. This delicious casserole is prepared the night before, so come morning, she’ll throw it down like no one’s business in her velour housecoat. If only her family thanked her.

Next time you pass a caker wife, do me a favour and high five her.

Holy crap! My annual Caker Christmas party is tomorrow night! I gotta get to the No Frills and buy some ground beef. There’s supposed to be an ice storm, so who knows if any Italians will show up? I'll post all the saturated fat details on Monday, December 23rd.

16 slices white bread, crusts removed
Slices/pieces of bacon and ham (see note)
Slices of sharp cheddar cheese
6 eggs
½ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon dry mustard
¼ cup minced onion
¼ cup green pepper, finely chopped
2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
3 cups whole milk or cream
Dash red pepper (Tabasco sauce)
¼ pound butter
Special K or crushed Corn Flakes

Put 8 slices in the bottom of a 9x13 buttered, glass baking dish. Add pieces to cover dish entirely. Cover bread with slices/pieces of ham and bacon. Lay slices of cheddar cheese on top of bacon and ham. Cover with slices of bread to make it like a sandwich.

In bowl, beat eggs, salt and pepper. To the egg mixture, add dry mustard, onion, green pepper, Worcestershire sauce, milk or cream and Tabasco. Pour over sandwiches. Cover and let stand in the fridge overnight.

In the morning, melt ¼ pound butter and pour over the top. Cover with Special K or crushed Corn Flakes. Bake, uncovered, for 1 hour at 350°. Serve with fresh fruit and hot cinnamon buns.

Note: Make sure the bacon is cooked.

Source: A Commemorative Cookbook….with a “Pinch of History,” Whitby Psychiatric Hospital

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Edible Pineapple Ring Candle

Behold! I bring you great tidings of caker joy!

Earlier in the week, I posted my Edible Cranberry Candle. It came out a little flaccid compared to Candle Salad. Problem was that a candle made of JELL-O just didn’t have the density to stand upright.

Then I got thinking.

My mom used to pour JELL-O into a can of pineapple rings and serve it with ham. I featured the pineapple ring recipe on Caker Cooking a few years back. A light bulb went off in my head. (Usually, when this happens, there’s only a brief flickering before the light goes dark.)

I took a can of pineapple rings and a packet of JELL-O and created a candle that’s solid enough to stand on its own. I should've been an architect.

If you want to make one, drain the juice from a can of pineapple rings, mix JELL-O with a cup of boiling water, pour into the can and let it set in the fridge. Just don’t forget to slip in a birthday candle to light it.

Just goes to show – all of life's problems really are solved in your own backyard.

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Homemade Christmas Crackers

No caker holiday table setting is complete without a Christmas cracker lovingly laid across your paper plate. But have you seen how goldern expensive crackers are? And for what – some explosives and a plastic animal pendant? Not worth it in my books, folks. Not worth it at all.

Why not make your own with toilet paper rolls? Granted, they don’t explode, but just get everyone to yell “POP!” when they yank the crackers apart. Best of all, you can customize your crackers. It’s a way of showing people what you really think about them. Here’s how you make them:

Take a toilet paper roll or paper towel roll (cut it in half)









Select things you want to put inside. For this one, I included some Canadian Tire money, a few pieces of dry pasta, some lip balm that I found, a rubber band, a googly eye and an egg.







Stuff everything inside the tube, then wrap it up in some wrapping paper. Tie both ends with a ribbon. Decorate it as you wish. It’s that easy!








Need inspiration? Here are some things that any caker would love to find in his or her Christmas cracker.

SuppositoryPacket of Taco Bell sauce (mild)Clip-on earringsStick of Freedent gumBaby aspirinRaisinOne of those plastic bread bag closure thingies (I’m forever losing mine. LOL!)Piece of dental flossA chocolate from a box of Pot of Gold (just not the orange one – no one likes those)ShoelaceLatch hook toolRain bonnet
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Edible Cranberry Candles

How many times have you smelt a candle and thought, “That smells so good, I want to eat it?” Folks, don’t. Wax is awfully hard to scrape off teeth. I’m speaking from experience.

I was sent this recipe for edible “candles” by reader Keri and wanted to try it. I haven’t had much success with JELL-O before. (See Ribbon Salad.) But, like Charlie Brown running at the football, I thought it was worth one last kick.

It wasn’t.

When I unmolded the candles, they collapsed like Mushroom Fluff. Then I had an idea. I mixed JELL-O with gelatin (a reader once recommended that to firm up JELL-O), poured it into a soup can, added in some cranberries and put it in the fridge, pretty certain it would work.

It didn’t.

The candle held its shape better, but was Tower of Pisa-ish. I’m guessing it’s a mass/density thing. Anyways, if you have a suggestion about how to make this work, feel free to leave a comment. And remember: keep open flames away from party guests’ hair. Nothing kills the holiday spirit quicker than burnt hair smell. I'm speaking from experience.

1 1-lb. can of Ocean Spray Whole Cranberry Sauce
1 3-oz. pkg. red, yellow, or orange fruit-flavored gelatin
1 cup boiling water
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 cup HELLMANN’s Real Mayonnaise
1 apple or orange, peeled or diced
3/4 cup chopped walnuts

Heat cranberry sauce, strain, set berries aside. Dissolve gelatin in hot juice and water. Add salt and lemon juice.

Chill until thickened enough to mound slightly when dropped from a spoon.

Beat in real mayonnaise with rotary beater till light and fluffy. Fold in cranberries, fruit and nuts.

Divide mixture evenly into eight 6-oz. fruit juice cans. Chill 4 hours or longer. Unmold. Garnish with real mayonnaise to taste.

To flame: Cut thin birthday candle in half to shorten. Insert into tops of cranberry candles. Light.

Here's the original advert.

I mean, c'mon. There has to be wax in that.

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Caker Q&A

Special News Bulletin:

We interrupt this regular Caker Christmas broadcast with a Q&A I did with the folks at CBC Books.

You can check it out here.

Okay, back to your eggnogging.