Edward Lorn's Blog, page 99

Ruminating On: Bad News Day

1. D’oh!

On March 11th, 2011, an earthquake in Japan birthed a tsunami which caused a meltdown of the Fukushima Dai-ichi power plant. I know that’s a bit of “your mother’s sister’s cousin’s aunt married your father,” but stay with me. The disaster was classified a Level 7 “major incident,” the worst one since Chernobyl’s reactor made a perfectly good Ferris wheel relatively useless. Well, Fukushima is back in the news. 300 tons of radioactive water (the stuff they used to cool down the reactors during the meltdown) has leaked into the surrounding area. This happened in 12 hours. Three hundred gallons. Twelve hours. Image your in-ground swimming pool was full when you went to bed, but when you woke up, it was empty. Now, image that every ounce of the water in your pool was deadly poisonous. Get the picture? Officials presiding over the plant think something has gone horribly wrong. Ya think? Okay, whatever, they’re doing something about this, right? Well, maybe. Huh? You see, since the reactors were covered in water, the height of the incident has dropped to Level 1. They are considering raising the bar to Level 3, or a “serious international incident.” I want to make jokes about three-eyed fish, two-headed frogs, and the rebirth of Godzilla, but I won’t. Truth is, this is scary.

2. Syria-ous situation

August 21st, 2013. Syria. Toxic chemicals were allegedly released via bombardment on the suburbs in Ghouta today. Early reports from rebels are saying the Syrian government is responsible. Syrian officials are saying otherwise; that the death count of over 1,000 men, women, and children is vastly bloated, and that no such toxins were released. There is video of the supposed aftermath circulating the internet. The bodies show no signs of harm. There are a lot of them. Many of them are kids. Images have also surfaced of children struggling with the aftereffects of the chemical attacks. At this time, all this is conjecture. I only know that something happened, and it’s a tragedy beyond words. I will not repost or share any of these images. If you feel the want or need to see them, Google is a thing. All I know is, I’ve seen them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hug my children.

Daily Tip: No one is perfect. All you can do is inform yourself, and be open-minded enough to change your opinion when proven wrong. 

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Sad panda.)

The Photography of Duane Michals

 

Ruminating On: Dick Explodes After Lesbian News

1. A lesson in stupidity

Any of you remember Kaitlyn Hunt? You know, the gay teenager that had sex with her underage girlfriend? Well, if you’ve just crawled out from under your rock this morning, I’ll drop the need-to-know info. At the time, Kaitlyn was 18 and the “victim” was 14. I say “victim” because a) the sex was consensual and b) they haven’t released the “victim’s” name. The only reason this is news, though, is because the “victim’s” parents are homophobes. Many believe that if Kaitlyn had been a boy, she might not be in jail right now. Unfortunately, I agree, but that doesn’t change the fact that Kaitlyn broke the law. Sorry, but it’s a cold hard fact. LGBT supporters, I feel ya, truly, I do, but she ignored the rules and now she’s being penalized. If you want true equality you’re going to have to take the good with the bad. So, why are we talking about old news? Because Kaitlyn Hunt is a moron. She was released and given a plea deal which would see that she never hit the sex offender registry. All she had to do was not contact the “victim”. So, what did she do just after release? She texted the “victim” numerous times, sending nude pics along with her love notes. Kaitlyn’s plea deal has now been snatched away, not to mention, her bondsman took her back to jail. Well, you know what they say: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

2. Bang bang chitty chitty bang BOOM!

Dick Van Dyke of Tubby the Tuba fame almost blew up. The 87 year old actor was pulled from a burning car yesterday afternoon. The “Some Kind of a Nut” star was disoriented but otherwise fine after being pulled from his blazing Jaguar by a guy named Jason Pennington (who is of no importance other than being the BAMF that pulled Dick Van Mo’ Frakkin’ Dyke from a raging inferno). Van Dyke is best known for playing Judge Carter Addison on the TV series Matlock, a special guest appearance as Malduke on Airwolf, and a bit role in the tiny indie film adaptation of the novel Mary Poppins. Good ol’ Dick had this to say, “It could have been a twist of the knife for me. Maybe I should’ve taken the supertrain.” When asked what might have caused the fire, Van Dyke responded, “Diagnosis? Murder.” Mary Tyler Moore was unavailable for comment.

Daily Tip: Being in love triggers the release of dopamine the same way cocaine does. Feeling enamored? Cocaine is the cheaper, healthier alternative to infatuation.

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. I’d by that for a dollar.)

Ruminating On: Volcanic Aliens

1. 500 reasons to move

On August 18th, Sakurajima erupted for the 500th time, dusting nearby Kagoshima with ash and volcanic glass. How close to this insanely active volcano is the town of Kagoshima? Six miles. Yep. Six. I’ve never understood why we build multi-million dollar hotels and lavish homes directly on the beach in Florida, given the likelihood of hurricanes, nor have I grasped the concept of erecting homes on the muddy slopes of some California mountain sides, but this one boggles my mind even further. These people live six miles from a volcano that has been known to erupt more than once a day. This last eruption was special, though, as it was the biggest one since 1914. The smoke cloud stretched up over three miles into the sky, a new record for the pissed off mountain. This volcano is so active that Kagoshima has several high-def cameras placed in key areas around town to monitor the mountain’s activity. This way, when Kagoshima finally goes the way of Pompeii, no one can say they didn’t see it coming.

2. The truth is out there, but it’s a lie

If you haven’t heard by now, Area 51 exists. This isn’t news to fans of The History Channel. Their hard-hitting documentary series, Ancient Aliens, has not been taken seriously up until now, but things are soon to change. The CIA have released declassified documents that prove Area 51 is a real thing. And they have spy planes, too! Seems the base was used to test out the super-secret, highly-classified, never-to-be-revealed U-2 spy plane. Bono jokes aside, this plane was built using alien technologies, most acquired by reverse engineering the spacecraft that landed in Roswell, New Mexico, back in 1947. Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were unavailable for comment.

Daily Tip: A polar bear’s liver contains lethal amounts of vitamin A. If you’re the idiot out there eating polar bear livers, stop. 

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Because… chickens)

Ruminating On: Weekends Off

That’s right, I’m taking weekends off. The news shall return Monday. This isn’t to say I won’t surprise you with a weekend post every now and then. It just won’t be your typical Ruminating On.

I’ve slacked off on blog posts about writing. If you’d like to see them return, comment below. Remember, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Enjoy your weekend!

E.

(This blog is not professionally edited. Boom-chika-wha-wha)

Ruminating On: Dog-Cat-Beaver-Rat

1. China, a rose by any other name

Some, if not most, of you might have read about this by now, but that doesn’t change my amusement level regarding this story. So, in the central province of Henan, there resides People’s Park of Luohe. Inside the park is a zoo, wherein hides a magnificent beast. People the world over refer to this breed of canine as the Tibetan mastiff. Yet, to a handful of Chinese zookeepers, it’s a lion. Not WOOF! But RAWR! Good on them. It’s a supply and demand world, isn’t it? Their people demanded a lion and they got the next best thing. Or something like that. I’ve been chuckling about this since I first heard about it yesterday afternoon. It’s not the story so much as it’s the glorious pictures that are flooding in. Even the dog seems to be saying, “Fuckin’ really?”

(Photo courtesy of telegraph.co.uk)

2. “I can haz ur soul?”

From animals disguised as other animals to a new animal who’s been mistaken for a different animal so long that it’s like, “Whatever, yo.” Meet the olinguito (Bassaricyon neblina). This little cat-ferret-demon is part of the raccoon family. Smithsonian researchers “discovered” the olinguito then went on to say that it was “hiding in plain sight in the cloud forests of South Africa.” Because, yeah… it knew you were looking for it. Right… Anyway, these smarty-pants science dudes say the creepy bear-coon-hell-child was commonly mistaken for an olingo. The olinguito is the first “new” carnivore to have been discovered in the past 35 years. If you ask me, this black-eyed, Hades-spawned, beaver-rat can die in a fire. Look at those claws, not to mention, those eyes…

(Photo courtesy of news.com.au)

Daily Tip: When a team losing to you is a bigger story that you beating them, you might be a Cleveland football team.  Naming your team the Browns almost always guarantees they’re going to be shitty. (I just pissed off a total of four people. You’re welcome)

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Balls to you.)

Ruminating On: Murder for Munchies

1. It’s elementary, my dear Snuggles

Last time I reported on those good folks across the pond, it was because of a 15 ton mass of lard, wipes, and feminine hygiene products. Today, though, we’re talking about a ten pound bag of fur and DNA. 47 year old David Hilder, of Southsea, England, has been convicted of murdering his next door neighbor after some rather Sherlock-y scientists matched his cat’s DNA to hair left behind on the victim. Hilder chopped up his neighbor and secreted away the remains underneath a bicycle along a stretch of beach. It should be noted that the victim’s head, genitals, and various internal organs were never found. Lunch, anyone? Unfortunately for Hilder, Professor Moriarty he was not, because he forgot to run a lint roller over his handy work, in turn leaving hairs from his live-in feline around the scene of the crime. These Sherlock-y lab techs used the DNA collected to bring home the prosecution’s case, along with other, more relevant evidence, such as: blood from the victim found in Hilder’s home; which, for me at least, should have been the deciding factor of the case, not the cat fur… just sayin’.

David Hilder (left) and his victim, David Guy (right).

2. Official munchies

In Seattle, Washington, Hempfest is nothing new. The 22-year-old celebration of cannabis has been long overlooked by local authorities. But, now that Mary Jane has become a legal citizen of the Sparkling Vampire Capital of the World,  police are paying attention. And handing out Doritos. Affixed to the snacks is a label asking people to check out the force’s new online presence, “Marijwhatnow? A Guide to Legal Marijuana Use In Seattle.” The website goes over the need-to-know information that comes part-and-parcel with legal marijuana usage. So, lemme get this straight. Not only is weed legal in Seattle and all of Washington, but it has its own festival where the local PD pass out Doritos? At the risk of laziness and traffic-vest-orange fingers, I’m in. Where’s my mystery van? Scooby, tonight, we ride!

Daily Tip: According to two studies, colorectal cancer trigger may lie in mouth bacteria. Stop kissing ass; you might kill someone.  

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. This is Sparta!)

Ruminating On: Monkey Christ Goes Green

1. Monkey Christ more popular than actual Christ

A Spanish parishioner optimistically (yet ineptly ) “restored” Elias Garcia Martinez’s Christ fresco, turning it into what is now known as “Monkey Christ.” The “restored” painting is something that should grace the hallowed halls of such intellectual institutions as Saturday Night Live and Mad Magazine. It shouldn’t be as funny as it is, but something juvenile inside makes you snicker all the same. This isn’t new news, yet the painting is back in the news. It seems the church in which the painting has been showcased is reporting that the newer version is more popular than the old version. Which just goes to show you, beauty (and ineptitude) is in the eye of the beholder.

2. Silly rabbits, Turks give you kids

Let’s get this out of the way forthright. Buying your kid a novelty animal is a bad idea. It’s cruel to the animal. Animals should not be on-the-spot gifts but intelligent choices based on income, free time, and knowledge of said animal. With that out of the way, how cute is a neon green rabbit? Pretty damn cute. What if they glow in the dark, as well? *melts from adorable overload and is required to turn in man card* Researchers based in Hawaii and Turkey (the republic, not the Thanksgiving coma inducer) have cloned glow-in-the-dark bunnies. Two bunnies out of the eight born are up for the lead role in the Green Lantern sequel. Ryan Reynolds was not available for comment.

UPDATE! Yesterday I reported on Anthony Stokes, the fifteen-year-old Georgia boy who was denied a heart transplant because of alleged noncompliance. It has been released today that the hospital behind the crap-tastic decision has had a change of heart. Good on them.

Daily Tip: Paula Deen’s discrimination lawsuit has been dropped on the grounds that she treated all her employees equally bad, even the white ones. If you’re going to be a terrible human being, give it your all, a full 110%, because half-assing the distaste you have for your fellow man could cost you, if it goes to trial.

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Douchebaggery ensues.)

Ruminating On: Death of a Heartthrob

1. I saw the light, and it was shocking!

Tom Cruise be praised! Scientists have finally explained why you dying-type-peoples experience that blinding white light when you… well, when you die. You know that fabled light at the end of the tunnel, that mystical beckoning illumination which seems to draw you in, welcoming you unto the bosom of the Invisible Man? Neither do I. But what I do know is that the world is full of near-death-touting folks that love telling everybody about how they “saw the light.” What really happened to them was an experience more on par with a transformer going the way of the dodo. Some devilish researchers monitored rats as the rodents passed away. What the researchers found was a large electronic surge, much like what occurs during an electrical storm that wipes out your power grid. If you’ve ever seen someone actually die, you can attest to the deflating quality of their body as well. This is due to the electrical charge leaving the body, therein turning your muscles to flapjacks. Well, I’ll be monkey’s uncle. Or, at the very least, a distant cousin.

2. Fifteen year old heartache

This one isn’t funny. Not even remotely. In Atlanta, GA, home to such great things as peaches and the set piece to that city scene in the first season of the Walking Dead, there’s a fifteen-year-old dude that’s going to die because he forgot to take his medicine. The Cockknockers of Transplant Compliance in Atlanta (a very real organization, mind you) have decided to let Anthony Stokes die by way of heart cessation because they believe he’ll skip his meds and no-show followup exams. His parents say he’s being looked over because of his low grades and prior run-ins with law enforcement. Who’s telling the truth? I haven’t a clue. I do know that this is beyond sad. He’s… he’s just a kid. Google his story, inform yourself, and come back to talk to me. I won’t comment further. I want to know what you guys think. 

Daily Tip: Bitches be crazy. Maybe if you stopped calling them bitches they wouldn’t act all crazy.

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. And you should really see about that zit.)

Daily Ruminations: Death of a Heartthrob

1. I saw the light, and it was shocking!

Tom Cruise be praised! Scientists have finally explained why you dying-type-peoples experience that blinding white light when you… well, when you die. You know that fabled light at the end of the tunnel, that mystical beckoning illumination which seems to draw you in, welcoming you unto the bosom of the Invisible Man? Neither do I. But what I do know is that the world is full of near-death-touting folks that love telling everybody about how they “saw the light.” What really happened to them was an experience more on par with a transformer going the way of the dodo. Some devilish researchers monitored rats as the rodents passed away. What the researchers found was a large electronic surge, much like what occurs during an electrical storm that wipes out your power grid. If you’ve ever seen someone actually die, you can attest to the deflating quality of their body as well. This is due to the electrical charge leaving the body, therein turning your muscles to flapjacks. Well, I’ll be monkey’s uncle. Or, at the very least, a distant cousin.

2. Fifteen year old heartache

This one isn’t funny. Not even remotely. In Atlanta, GA, home to such great things as peaches and the set piece to that city scene in the first season of the Walking Dead, there’s a fifteen-year-old dude that’s going to die because he forgot to take his medicine. The Cockknockers of Transplant Compliance in Atlanta (a very real organization, mind you) have decided to let Anthony Stokes die by way of heart cessation because they believe he’ll skip his meds and no-show followup exams. His parents say he’s being looked over because of his low grades and prior run-ins with law enforcement. Who’s telling the truth? I haven’t a clue. I do know that this is beyond sad. He’s… he’s just a kid. Google his story, inform yourself, and come back to talk to me. I won’t comment further. I want to know what you guys think. 

Daily Tip: Bitches be crazy. Maybe if you stopped calling them bitches they wouldn’t act all crazy.

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. And you should really see about that zit.)