Ruminating On: Dick Explodes After Lesbian News

1. A lesson in stupidity

Any of you remember Kaitlyn Hunt? You know, the gay teenager that had sex with her underage girlfriend? Well, if you’ve just crawled out from under your rock this morning, I’ll drop the need-to-know info. At the time, Kaitlyn was 18 and the “victim” was 14. I say “victim” because a) the sex was consensual and b) they haven’t released the “victim’s” name. The only reason this is news, though, is because the “victim’s” parents are homophobes. Many believe that if Kaitlyn had been a boy, she might not be in jail right now. Unfortunately, I agree, but that doesn’t change the fact that Kaitlyn broke the law. Sorry, but it’s a cold hard fact. LGBT supporters, I feel ya, truly, I do, but she ignored the rules and now she’s being penalized. If you want true equality you’re going to have to take the good with the bad. So, why are we talking about old news? Because Kaitlyn Hunt is a moron. She was released and given a plea deal which would see that she never hit the sex offender registry. All she had to do was not contact the “victim”. So, what did she do just after release? She texted the “victim” numerous times, sending nude pics along with her love notes. Kaitlyn’s plea deal has now been snatched away, not to mention, her bondsman took her back to jail. Well, you know what they say: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

2. Bang bang chitty chitty bang BOOM!

Dick Van Dyke of Tubby the Tuba fame almost blew up. The 87 year old actor was pulled from a burning car yesterday afternoon. The “Some Kind of a Nut” star was disoriented but otherwise fine after being pulled from his blazing Jaguar by a guy named Jason Pennington (who is of no importance other than being the BAMF that pulled Dick Van Mo’ Frakkin’ Dyke from a raging inferno). Van Dyke is best known for playing Judge Carter Addison on the TV series Matlock, a special guest appearance as Malduke on Airwolf, and a bit role in the tiny indie film adaptation of the novel Mary Poppins. Good ol’ Dick had this to say, “It could have been a twist of the knife for me. Maybe I should’ve taken the supertrain.” When asked what might have caused the fire, Van Dyke responded, “Diagnosis? Murder.” Mary Tyler Moore was unavailable for comment.

Daily Tip: Being in love triggers the release of dopamine the same way cocaine does. Feeling enamored? Cocaine is the cheaper, healthier alternative to infatuation.

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. I’d by that for a dollar.)