Edward Lorn's Blog, page 100

Ruminating On: Messiah Gets Groped by NYPD

1. Messiah gets new name

Judges be crazy, son! So, somewhere in Tennessee (guess I could have done more research on the place, but I didn’t want to give them too much publicity) a child support judge ordered a seven month old baby’s name to be changed. What was the baby’s name, you ask? Messiah. No, he’s wasn’t the messiah. We aren’t talking about Tom Cruise here. We’re talking about a little boy named Messiah. Sigh… The honorable Lu Ann Ballew (whose name seems more suited for a porn star than a magistrate) changed the boy’s name from Messiah to Martin on the grounds that “messiah” was a sacred title. I have this to say. Just because you got stuck with a shitty name does not mean you can run around changing other people’s names based on your religious views. Luckily the mother is going to appeal. Good for her. Because, Lu Ann, you Ballew it.

2. NYPD to stop touching genitals for fun

There’s this thing in New York where a cop can stop you and pat you down because you look suspicious. How does one “look suspicious?” I haven’t the foggiest. I guess you could start by having a different color of skin than the groping officer. You could be wearing a turban or perhaps a really large backpack. I suppose you could even look as if you partake in drugs. GASP! What if you’re a youth with baggy pants? Run! Wait, don’t run. You’ll probably trip. On your pants. And they are the cops, after all. If you run, they’ll probably shoot you. A lot. With bullets. But no worries, folks, as a judge recently said that Officer Johnson’s Old Pat-N-Cup On Sight is unconstitutional. YAY! for the defeat of profiling. Or not. Seriously, this probably won’t amount to a hill of Columbia’s finest.

Daily Tip: Coffee is hot and suppositories are for rectal use only. Don’t be the type of person who needs this information. 

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. But your mother is.)

Daily Ruminations: Messiah Gets Groped by NYPD

1. Messiah gets new name

Judges be crazy, son! So, somewhere in Tennessee (guess I could have done more research on the place, but I didn’t want to give them too much publicity) a child support judge ordered a seven month old baby’s name to be changed. What was the baby’s name, you ask? Messiah. No, he’s wasn’t the messiah. We aren’t talking about Tom Cruise here. We’re talking about a little boy named Messiah. Sigh… The honorable Lu Ann Ballew (whose name seems more suited for a porn star than a magistrate) changed the boy’s name from Messiah to Martin on the grounds that “messiah” was a sacred title. I have this to say. Just because you got stuck with a shitty name does not mean you can run around changing other people’s names based on your religious views. Luckily the mother is going to appeal. Good for her. Because, Lu Ann, you Ballew it.

2. NYPD to stop touching genitals for fun

There’s this thing in New York where a cop can stop you and pat you down because you look suspicious. How does one “look suspicious?” I haven’t the foggiest. I guess you could start by having a different color of skin than the groping officer. You could be wearing a turban or perhaps a really large backpack. I suppose you could even look as if you partake in drugs. GASP! What if you’re a youth with baggy pants? Run! Wait, don’t run. You’ll probably trip. On your pants. And they are the cops, after all. If you run, they’ll probably shoot you. A lot. With bullets. But no worries, folks, as a judge recently said that Officer Johnson’s Old Pat-N-Cup On Sight is unconstitutional. YAY! for the defeat of profiling. Or not. Seriously, this probably won’t amount to a hill of Columbia’s finest.

Daily Tip: Coffee is hot and suppositories are for rectal use only. Don’t be the type of person who needs this information. 

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. But your mother is.)

Ruminating On: Mona Lisa is Gay

1. Digging up the Mona Lisa

Who was the inspiration for the Mona Lisa? Was she Di Vinci’s lover? Was she family? Did Di Vinci go all Ru Paul for the painting, doing himself up proper for a fabulous selfie? We’ll never know. Or will we? Son of a bitch, really? Yes, folks, it seems they’re excavating some poor lady’s family tomb so that DNA testing can be done.  Researchers say that Lisa Ghererdini could very well have been the model for Di Vinci’s famous painting. And they’re in the process of digging her up. I’m all for the arts and history and solving great mysteries, but seriously… what are they hoping to accomplish here? All this time and effort – not to mention money – so they can go all C.S.I. on this woman’s centuries old remains. Remember, she wasn’t a criminal. No justice is being sought. These people just want to know whether or not she posed for a painting. Seriously, that’s all this amounts to.

2. Gay man is chronically gay. 

In southern California a man goes in for his annual check up. He’s diagnosed as having chronic homosexual behavior. This diagnosis is a shocker, but not because he’s not gay. He is gay, and proud of it. The surprise comes when he looks over his paperwork and finds the code 302.0. 302.0 is a medical code for sexual deviance. There are sub categories, which only make this “diagnosis” more unsettling. If you look up medical code 302.1, it concerns bestiality. 302.2? Pedophilia. I understand that some people have a long way to come before they accept that homosexuality isn’t a sickness, but this one actually disturbed me. This man was bunched in with the likes of those that molest children and ones who make sheep nervous. Shame on you, doc.

Daily Tip: In Talkeetna, Alaska, a cat holds the position of mayor. Never give up on your dreams. 

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Herp derp.)

Daily Ruminations: Mona Lisa is Gay

1. Digging up the Mona Lisa

Who was the inspiration for the Mona Lisa? Was she Di Vinci’s lover? Was she family? Did Di Vinci go all Ru Paul for the painting, doing himself up proper for a fabulous selfie? We’ll never know. Or will we? Son of a bitch, really? Yes, folks, it seems they’re excavating some poor lady’s family tomb so that DNA testing can be done.  Researchers say that Lisa Ghererdini could very well have been the model for Di Vinci’s famous painting. And they’re in the process of digging her up. I’m all for the arts and history and solving great mysteries, but seriously… what are they hoping to accomplish here? All this time and effort – not to mention money – so they can go all C.S.I. on this woman’s centuries old remains. Remember, she wasn’t a criminal. No justice is being sought. These people just want to know whether or not she posed for a painting. Seriously, that’s all this amounts to.

2. Gay man is chronically gay. 

In southern California a man goes in for his annual check up. He’s diagnosed as having chronic homosexual behavior. This diagnosis is a shocker, but not because he’s not gay. He is gay, and proud of it. The surprise comes when he looks over his paperwork and finds the code 302.0. 302.0 is a medical code for sexual deviance. There are sub categories, which only make this “diagnosis” more unsettling. If you look up medical code 302.1, it concerns bestiality. 302.2? Pedophilia. I understand that some people have a long way to come before they accept that homosexuality isn’t a sickness, but this one actually disturbed me. This man was bunched in with the likes of those that molest children and ones who make sheep nervous. Shame on you, doc.

Daily Tip: In Talkeetna, Alaska, a cat holds the position of mayor. Never give up on your dreams. 

E.

(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Herp derp.)

Ruminating On: Oprah vs. Fatberg

A long, long time ago in a blog-o-sphere far, far away, I used to post a picture everyday and ask you your thoughts on it. I called this segment “Daily Ruminations.” Needless to say, no one cared. So, I’m rebooting the idea. Here it goes.

I’m not into all the celebrity gossip, nor am I a newshound. I’d like to think of myself as a free-thinker capable of open-mindedness who’s willing to be wrong every now and then. I’d like to think I have a sense of humor. And obviously, because of those things, I think you (you fine bunch of eyeballs, you) should listen. I may be wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. I will try to keep my views short and sweet. Since this is a trial run, I need your comments. Tell me what you like and what you don’t like, blah blah blah… and away we go!

1. Swedish sales clerk refuses to sell Oprah Winfrey a hand bag because he doesn’t believe she can afford it.

The flames on the torches outside of Paula Deen’s house are slowly dying away, so it’s time, once again, to remind everyone that racism is a thing. You’ve probably already heard about Oprah’s run-in with the Rush Limbaugh of purses, but what you might not have heard is that Switzerland (yes, the entire bleeding republic), has apologized for this guy. Think about that for a minute. This dude wasn’t a consulate. He wasn’t a damn dignitary. I don’t believe he was flying the Swiss flag and swimming in a pool of the world’s finest chocolate while insulting our beloved Harpo. But Switzerland still felt the need to apologize for him. Imagine if America did that; apologized for every nitwit who opened his mouth in this country. Johannes Rydberg couldn’t calculate those numbers, bub.

2. 15 ton mass of fat, wipes, and sanitary napkins found in London’s sewers.

London, you be nasty, yo. But, in all seriousness, why were people shocked at this? We have a land mass the size of Texas, which is made up of mostly plastics and other unwanted detritus, just floating around out there in the ocean, but people are making a big deal over an impacted sewage tunnel. Give me a break. I mean, the fact “Fatberg” (no joke, hand over heart, that’s what they’re calling it) is basically Tampax and lard is a wee bit unsettling, but not unexpected. People like convenience.  Ladies, I know how busy you are these days. I understand one of the female sex cannot be bothered to toss their lady products into a waste basket, that it’s much easier to flush them, especially for you busy London gals. I also know that some people can’t be bothered with draining the fat off their cooked meats into a disposable container. Just wash it down the drain with a little hot water; that’ll do the trick. I mean, if you did put it in something like a plastic bottle or whatnot, it would just end up in the ocean, right?

Daily Tip: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. Don’t be an ostrich. 

E.

(Note:  This blog is not professionally edited. You get it exactly how it comes out of my head.)

Daily Ruminations: Oprah and Fatberg

A long, long time ago in a blog-o-sphere far, far away, I used to post a picture everyday and ask you your thoughts on it. I called this segment “Daily Ruminations.” Needless to say, no one cared. So, I’m rebooting the idea. Here it goes.

I’m not into all the celebrity gossip, nor am I a newshound. I’d like to think of myself as a free-thinker capable of open-mindedness who’s willing to be wrong every now and then. I’d like to think I have a sense of humor. And obviously, because of those things, I think you (you fine bunch of eyeballs, you) should listen. I may be wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. I will try to keep my views short and sweet. Since this is a trial run, I need your comments. Tell me what you like and what you don’t like, blah blah blah… and away we go!

1. Swedish sales clerk refuses to sell Oprah Winfrey a hand bag because he doesn’t believe she can afford it.

The flames on the torches outside of Paula Deen’s house are slowly dying away, so it’s time, once again, to remind everyone that racism is a thing. You’ve probably already heard about Oprah’s run-in with the Rush Limbaugh of purses, but what you might not have heard is that Switzerland (yes, the entire bleeding republic), has apologized for this guy. Think about that for a minute. This dude wasn’t a consulate. He wasn’t a damn dignitary. I don’t believe he was flying the Swiss flag and swimming in a pool of the world’s finest chocolate while insulting our beloved Harpo. But Switzerland still felt the need to apologize for him. Imagine if America did that; apologized for every nitwit who opened his mouth in this country. Johannes Rydberg couldn’t calculate those numbers, bub.

2. 15 ton mass of fat, wipes, and sanitary napkins found in London’s sewers.

London, you be nasty, yo. But, in all seriousness, why were people shocked at this? We have a land mass the size of Texas, which is made up of mostly plastics and other unwanted detritus, just floating around out there in the ocean, but people are making a big deal over an impacted sewage tunnel. Give me a break. I mean, the fact “Fatberg” (no joke, hand over heart, that’s what they’re calling it) is basically Tampax and lard is a wee bit unsettling, but not unexpected. People like convenience.  Ladies, I know how busy you are these days. I understand one of the female sex cannot be bothered to toss their lady products into a waste basket, that it’s much easier to flush them, especially for you busy London gals. I also know that some people can’t be bothered with draining the fat off their cooked meats into a disposable container. Just wash it down the drain with a little hot water; that’ll do the trick. I mean, if you did put it in something like a plastic bottle or whatnot, it would just end up in the ocean, right?

Daily Tip: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. Don’t be an ostrich. 

E.

(Note:  This blog is not professionally edited. You get it exactly how it comes out of my head.)

Dastardly Bastard’s Free!

My sophomore effort, Dastardly Bastard, is free this weekend. If you haven’t already purchased the book, now’s the time to get it. If you already have it, why not help spread the good word.

Click the cover to download from Amazon US. Links to international sites are listed below.

UK

Canada

Germany 

Toys For Tots!

Yo, fellow authors, lend me your attention for a moment.

I want to do a charity event for Toys For Tots starting October 1st and ending November 30th. What I’m asking from you is this.

1. Agree to spend a certain percentage of your book sells on toys for the charity. You pick the percentage and you pick the toys.

2. Email a list of your books (including links and covers) to edwardlorn@gmail.com so I can post about them.

You need not ship the toys you buy. I will provide you with addresses in your area where you can drop the toys off. I’m working on the honor system here, folks. I fully trust that, if you say you’ll donate, you will ACTUALLY donate.

Let’s help give some kids a happier Christmas.

Thanks!

P.S. If you are not an author and would still like to donate, go HERE

Dane is Here!

In case you haven’t heard…

Life After Dane has been set loose upon the world!

Click the image below to choose your bookseller of choice.

“A Mother’s Ignorance”

An Excerpt from “A Mother’s Ignorance”, By Sven Gödel

“By now, The Rest Stop Dentist’s name is as commonplace around American households as… let’s say, Barack Obama or Kim Kardashian. What most of us do not know is how Dane Peters’s journey began.

“Dane Peters was born on August 18th, 1983, to Phillip and Ella May Peters. He was raised in the small town of Well Being, Colorado. After that, details become sketchy at best. No school records, no hometown friends, not a single blip on the radar of life until his capture last year outside of a rest stop in Arkansas. For all intents and purposes, Dane Peters was a ghost… “

To read more, CLICK HERE and join the release party.