Edward Lorn's Blog, page 95
November 12, 2013
30 Day Book Challenge – Day 13
Day 13 – Your favorite writer.
This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. Though I fully believe the son has surpassed the father (and that Hill had more to do with writing Doctor Sleep than his dad did) King will always be my greatest hero. He’s the reason I tell stories the way I do.
Hey, Joe, is THE FIREMAN done yet? 
November 11, 2013
30 Day Book Challenge – Day 12
Day 12 – A book you love but hate at the same time.
Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood pisses me off to no end. I love the detail heavy descriptions, the beautiful prose, the overflowing talent Capote possessed. But I hate this fucking book. This conflict is exactly what I deal with every time I sit down to write. I’m capable of big, sweeping, flowery writing, but it bores me to tears. I appreciate Capote’s grasp of the language but despise its use. Damn shame, huh? This is another reason why I’ve never finished East of Eden. I would have picked Steinbeck’s literary heavy-hitter but I wanted to showcase something I actually made it through.
Capote, who died under the weight of his words. Or phlebitis… either one.
November 10, 2013
30 Day Book Challenge – Day 11
Day 11 – A book you hated.
I dig everything Brian Keene writes… except when he tackles zombies. Kill Whitey is a good book, as is The Darkness on the Edge of Town, but when Keene tackles the undead, he loses me. Keene’s The Rising is the only book I’ve hated that I actually finished. Even after the zombie started talking, I hung in there. Even after the second zombie baby, I hung in there. All the way up to the cliffhanger ending, I hung in there. I don’t know what I hated more; the fact that the book had no ending, or that Keene actually expected me to read the sequel. I know this is harsh, but it’s my opinion, and mine alone. I know plenty of folks that loved The Rising and Keene’s signature demon-possessed corpses, but they just weren’t for me. I continue to read his work, though, just not any of his zombie books.
November 9, 2013
30 Day Book Challenge – Day 10
Day 10 – A book that reminds you of home.
If you hunt through the 60 reviews for my debut novel, Bay’s End, you’ll find more than a handful that compare that book to King’s novella, The Body, or the film adaptation, Stand By Me. Funny thing is, Bay’s End was inspired more by Koontz’s The Voice in the Night. I reread Koontz’s coming-of-age tale anytime I feel homesick for California, for the good old days when I was a stupid kid running around with that years bad influence, or being the bad influence myself. The Voice in the Night reminds me of childhood friendships. No matter how crazy things got, I never questioned my friend’s motives. I just went along, took my licks, and learned from my mistakes. I miss the spontaneity of youth, the feeling of invincibility, and, of course, I miss my friends.
Ruminating On: The Top 5 Reasons You’re a Dick
My last two lists were so popular, I decided to try another one.
#5. You don’t listen; you wait for your turn to talk.
You know you’re being a dick. I know you’re being a dick. You sit there staring, nodding, responding with monosyllable bullshit like, “Yeah,” and “Right.” Sometimes you repeat those words together in the same damn sentence. “Yeah, yeah. Right, right.” You’re still nodding. As soon as I take a breath, You’ve changed the topic to your own subject. You even try to blend the conversations. “Yeah, right, I get you, really I do. AIDS in Africa sucks. Like my vacuum cleaner. Did I tell you I broke my vacuum cleaner? No? Oh, that’s because my horse won at the track.” And away you go, like what you have to say is important, and I’m left waiting for my turn to talk.
#4. You change the radio station when it’s not your car.
If I’m blasting Kenny G, motherfucker, don’t touch my jams, yo! So what if someone’s giving out Miley Cyrus tickets on another channel? Do you hear that majestic-as-fuck clarinet? Don’t touch my dial. I know you have a smart phone, dick. Everyone has one these days. Buy your radio hoggin’ ass some earbuds, make like Eminem, and lose yourself. Oh, and about those Miley tickets… the show was cancelled. She caught lockjaw from a sledgehammer. Go figure.
#3. You leave three potato chips in the bottom of the bag.
Who do you think you’re fooling? We all know why you did it. You didn’t want to be the douchenozzle responsible for eating the last of the chips. But ask yourself this. What if you strolled into your bathroom, dropped a big, sturdy turd in your porcelain throne, only to reached for the TP and find a single sheet clinging from the roll like Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger? Yes it is the same thing. You felt all good after emptying your compactor (like me seeing there was some chips left), and now that you want to wipe your ass like a decent human being (like me pulling open the bag, mouth all ready for some salty goodness) you find yourself having to duck-walk down the hall for another roll (like me angrily stomping out of the house so I can go buy some more bleeding chips). Don’t be a dick. Finish the bag and go buy me some more. I promise to change the roll next time if you do.
#2. You’re one of those people double parked in an aisle at the grocery store.
Yo, dick, get out of the way. Ass panda and you are not as skinny as you think you are. My mother-in-law’s disabled, and she can’t get past your shopping cart tailgating party. We shouldn’t have to go around you just because you two want to catch up. Oh, Aunt Matilda finally married one of her cats? You don’t say? Here’s me giving a shit. I said excuse me twice, but both of you want to play Helen Keller in this piece. Times like this I wish I were your proctologist, and C4 suppositories were a thing.
#1. You’re prolife, you believe in the sanctity of marriage, or feel superior to people with differing skin tones.
I jumbled all these together because people who follow one of these rules usually believe in all three. Let’s make this easy. Prolife? It’s not your body. Homophobe? If you don’t want to marry the same sex, don’t do it. Racist? The only difference between any of us is blood type, and that only matters if your ass needs a transplant of some kind.
And here we are, dick. Your turn to talk.
Thank You
To everyone who wrote in Life After Dane as best Horror book on the Goodreads Readers’ Choice Awards, I extend my greatest appreciation. I don’t have a chance of winning, but that doesn’t mean your efforts were in vain. This is the first time anyone has done something like this without me poking or prodding or dropping subtle hints. When I first decided to sell my work to the public, I did so with one goal in mind. I wanted someone I didn’t know, who I had zero contact with, to enjoy my writing. You might say I set my goal rather low, but in the eyes of a kid who was told day in and day out that he wouldn’t amount to shit if a cow ate him, that one person would have been a huge accomplishment. Now there’s several of you. I’m not sure how I feel about the word “fan”, but if you like my work, I’ll call you whatever you so please.
Thank you, everyone of you, for making this kid’s dream come true. I don’t need an award to confirm my success. I have you guys.
Enough with the mushy shit. Have a wonderful weekend!
November 8, 2013
30 Day Book Challenge – Day 09
Day 09 – A book you thought you wouldn’t like but ended up loving.
I don’t like medical thrillers. Robin Cook, Michael Palmer, and a few of Crichton’s works come to mind. My mother loves them, but I never saw the draw. Do No Harm, by Gregg Hurwittz was described to me as a medical thriller, so I thought I was going to hate the book down to the glue that held the pages to the binding, but I was wrong. How did I end up reading this one? A friend at work and I had created a reading group of sorts with four other people. When this one came up, I was out voted five to one. Since they’d read Pet Sematary with me the month prior, I felt obligated to finish this one. Once it started, I never looked back. To date, I’ve read all of Hurwittz’s stuff, but Do No Harm is still my favorite.
If you don’t read anything else by Gregg Hurwittz, read this one.
November 7, 2013
30 Day Book Challenge – Day 08
Day 08 – Most overrated book.
The Harry Potter series. Pick one, because I can’t choose a single volume. I couldn’t even stand the movies. I almost picked Martin’s Song of Ice and Fire series, but those books actually make for damn good television. Something about Harry irks me. I feel like I’ve heard his story a hundred times before, and not even vomit-flavored jelly beans can save it. I know, I’m a horrible, vile, no-account human being for disliking this lightning-scarred bastard. I’ve been dealing with throngs of Potterheads since I attempted to read the first book after I heard they were making a film out of it. So lay on the Hater-Aid, I can take it.
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