Edward Lorn's Blog, page 91

An Open Letter to Badly Behaved Authors

I will never, evereverevereverever, understand the mindset behind you taking readers to task over a review. What is there to gain from spraying gasoline on a fire? Only more heat, right? You’re only guaranteeing that the flame won’t go out anytime soon. If they didn’t like you before, arguing with them isn’t going to yank them into your corner. If they say they’ll never read you again, shouldn’t that be a good thing in your eyes?

(bangs head against desk)

Listen, I’m all for your stupidity. It makes me feel smart by comparison, and I’m a pretty dumb motherfucker, but this is kinda getting out of hand. You’re like cockroaches basking in the spotlight that’s been shone on you instead of scurrying back into the cracks and crevices from whence you came. If you have something disparaging to say about a review or its author, do so in the privacy of your own home, and then only around people who you know won’t spread that shit like Nutella over Iron Kids.

I know, I know, this is all social media’s fault. Literary greats like Edgar Allan Poe and Norman Mailer were famous for ripping apart reviewers who dared challenge their genius. Then the internet came along and ruined everything. You should be able to share your literary herpes without having to worry about everybody finding out you’re infected.

(wipes the puddle of sarcasm off my desk and onto the floor)

Seriously, some of you ass-hats make me embarrassed to call myself an author, if only because you dare label yourself one.

Sincerely,

Edward Lorn

(P.S. Feel free to share as needed.)

RELEASE DAY! CRAWL, by Edward Lorn

CRAWL went live on Amazon.com last night. Audible edition coming soon. The novelette is just over 14,000 words (about 50 Kindle pages) and costs $1.99.

Thank you for your support.

Click on the cover below to buy your copy!

CRUELTY: EPISODE THREE COVER AND SYNOPSIS

 

 

CRUELTY is a serial novel in ten parts.  Episode Three.

The corpse in the cooler of Bob’s Bait and Fuel might not be the innocent victim everyone first assumed.

William Longmire is released from police custody only to find out his buddy Kirk is in the hospital.

Innis Blake is stuck between two worlds. Will she find her way out before Cruelty has his way?

Regret is born.

 

 

 

(Author’s note: CRAWL and CRUELTY: Episode Three will be released in February, one week apart. CRUELTY: Episode Four will be out sometime in March. Thank you for your patience. If you would like advanced review copies of any of my work, please let me know.)

Ruminating On: The Ten Commandments for Indie Authors

1. Thou shall pay for editing and proofreading. (You cannot, under any circumstances, edit your own material. You will only see what you meant to write and not what you actually wrote.)

2. Thou shall give away review copies. (If you’re going to contact people about reviewing your work, put up or shut up.)

3. Thou shall not respond to any review, positive or negative, ever, until the end of time, unless you requested the review, and then you may simply say thank you. (Do you see Stephen King and J.K. Rowling flaming reviewers on Goodreads?)

4. Thou shall not plagiarize. (Write your own material. This should be an obvious one, but you’d be surprised.)

5. Thou shall make at least 95% of whatever publication you’ve sold to the reader be exactly what the reader has bought. (The last 30% of your book shall not be interviews and ads for other books.)

6. Thou shall not put your editor’s name next to yours on Amazon or other booksellers. (This option is there for editors of anthologies, not the wonderful person who made you sound literate. Thank them in your novel. Trust me, it means more.)

7. Thou shall not commit the unforgivable sin of sock-puppetry. (This is the worse form of public masturbation).

8. Thou shall not trade reviews for reviews. (So, you and your buddy wrote a book, eh? You wanna give him five stars so that he can leave you a fiver in return? This is just as bad as sock-puppetry. Don’t.)

9. Thou shall not troll other writers. (No matter how much you hate Douchenozzle McShit-Stain, you are not allowed to leave him a one-star review on Amazon which states: “He sucks balls at sucking balls because he can’t suck his own balls. Oh, and this book is trash!!!!!!!!!!! A few more words to make 20 so Amazon will accept this review!” Even if you know that Mr. McShit-Stain has done the same to you. Forget it and move on. He’ll only drag you down in the end.)

10. Thou shall beware the company you keep. (Be mindful of groups created on social media. Sure it’s cool to be in a group of like-minded individuals, but when it comes out that Douchenozzle McShit-Stain was added to your group without your knowledge, things might get hairy. I’m not saying don’t do it, but you need to remember that old addage: “Guilty by association.”)

To be taken seriously, you must be better than the authors of books people buy at Walmart. Not as good as, but better. You have to rise above your own soft pride and fragile ego. Reviews are for readers, not you. If a reader wants a question answered, they will contact you.

You want to know why indies have trouble finding reviewers? Because the possibility of backlash is heightened when dealing with an indie. Readers have been shit on with such frequency and velocity that they’ve become shit-shocked. First, there’s the immeasurable amount of unedited garbage floating around out there. Next, you have those ass-hats which choose to berate and belittle the very people who buy their work simply because said reader called them on not providing quality material. And last but not least, you have the insufferable wet-spot who inflates his reviews by having four-hundred Amazon accounts, as if readers can’t tell by the Look Inside that there’s no way this steaming pile deserves anywhere near 300 glowing fivers.

Indie Author, you’ve been called out. The only way to sustain the momentum of this movement is to be better and not complain when no one reads or appreciates your work. Be thankful for every reader you do reach. Be thankful anyone’s even paying attention to you in the first place. Seriously, have you seen how many books readers have to choose from? Exactly.

E.

MAJOR UPDATES!

LIFE AFTER DANE made it to #1 in Ghosts, #2 in Paranormal, and #4 in Horror this morning. For those of you who are out of the know, the book’s price has dropped from $4.99 to $0.99 until January 17th, as part of a promotion put on by Red Adept Publishing. More than happy with the results. Looking forward to hearing from all these new readers. Welcome to my world.

 

 

 

 

CRAWL (A Novelette) is complete. I’ve heard back from two out of four beta readers and all’s good. The book will be going to editing in the next two weeks. You might actually be able to read it before February.

On a side note, one beta reader commented that the novelette is as intense, if not moreso, than CRUELTY. This made me smile.

Speaking of my 600lb baby doll, I have good news…

 

 

 

 

CRUELTY continues! After numerous talks and many a contractual addendum, I have retained the print rights to CRUELTY: A Serial Novel. This means many things, most importantly, the ability to finish the serial to completion, as I had initially intended. I know you’ve not been privy to all the insider details, and be glad of that because most of it is shockingly boring. Before these new negotiations, I was only going to be allowed one more episode of the serial, wherein I would have to wrap up the story. The film adaptation would have been based on the new three-part version of the story. This was disconcerting, as I would have had to compress about 150,000 words into 80,000. In the end, we came to a compromise. The producers felt that the serial novel and the film should exist separately. I cannot divulge what I had to give up to continue the serial. Let’s just say, I can’t buy as many Twinkies now. Sad Panda…

Anyway, you can expect the next episode some time in the next few weeks. You have no idea how good that makes me feel to be able to say that.

Thank you to everyone who’s ever supported me, no matter how big or small your efforts, I will forever appreciate you. Onward!

E.

Edward Lorn on Between the Bindings!

Where I speak of literary growing pains and, above all else, tacos.

http://the-gal-in-the-blue-mask.blogspot.com/2014/01/between-bindings-with-edward-lorn_1337.html

Audible Giveaway!

In appreciation of 100 new followers of Edward Lorn Reviews (E.) on Booklikes, I’m giving away three Audible downloads. These will be in the form of credits, so the price of the audiobook you choose will not make a difference. $0.99 – $99.99 and higher, doesn’t matter.

Thank you for all your past and current support. Here’s to an enjoyable 2014!

Click on the Audible image to enter.

Ruminating On: Clarification

I’ve been inundated with emails from concerned individuals. Too many to answer. Because all of these distraught souls have become so upset after reading my post, Ruminating On: What Matters, I felt I would post again to clarify a few things.

I will condense all the emails I received into three questions. Here we go.

Did you have a falling out with so and so? Did I do something to upset you? Did you block me?

The answer to every single one of these questions is a resounding NO. There it is, in bold and all caps, because… clarity. When I said I was tired of all the inane babble on Facebook, I meant the site as a whole, and not one person. If I have been rude, standoffish, or unresponsive, it’s not because anyone has upset me, nor is it because I’m holding a grudge or vendetta. If I have not responded to your email, it’s because I’m busy. I will try to explain, succinctly, why I chose to dip-out without any warning.

I’m suffering from a creative surge. This happens to me at least once a year, but this is the third time this year that it has happened. I have a list of twenty-five stories that all want to be novel-length. This is not counting the short stories I write just for the fuck of it. I cannot write fast enough. I know, I know. There are children in Africa who wish they could write half as much as I do, and all that other crap. Listen, being buried under a mountain of ideas is just as bad as not having a single idea rattling around in your head. Writing, editing, proofreading, cover design, and publication all takes time. Having a fuck-ton of manuscripts writing around only means I have to pick and choose what readers see and when, or if they should see it at all. I try to write faster, but the characters become even more vocal. I want to cut the story short so that I can work on the next project but I can’t because E. has a reputation to consider. I want to please everyone, but, sometimes, everyone is a greedy asshole who only cares for number one. Including me. I no longer have time to offer advice to struggling authors, or to read their unpublished stories. This is a shame because I once prided myself on watching a writer grow under my tutelage. Call me elitist, call me a jerk, call me an egomaniac, call me a pickle-brained troglodyte who’s ruining his career by alienating people. Say whatever you will. It’s your right. I’ve been sleeping in a house built by friends. It’s time I constructed my own house, and whether I succeed or fail, I’m going to sleep in it.

Growing pains are a bitch.

E.

 

2013: A YEAR IN REVIEW

I read almost forty books this year. That’s a great deal for me, considering how much I write. Hell, in 2012, I only read fifteen books. I read at an average speed, but I take my time with really good stories. I taste each and every sentence, like a chef-in-training trying to discern a recipe. I want to know how the author created their little slice of magic. Because that’s all good storytelling is – sleight of hand and other illusions. We authors keep our tricks close to our chests. But a good writer should be able to spot a great trick and learn from it.

NIGHT FILM and NOS4A2 ride high above the others on this list. I went back and forth (still am bouncing to and fro) in deciding which book is my all-time favorite. This doesn’t mean JACK & JILL, JOYLAND, and COREYOGRAPHY weren’t amazing books, only that Pessl and Hill managed to knock Stephen King’s IT from its top stop, which it had retained for nigh on twenty years, since I first read it as a teenager.

Speaking of King, I was sorely disappointed in DOCTOR SLEEP, so JOYLAND was a breath of fresh air. King’s Hardcase Crime Novel (which doesn’t fit in that genre at all) captured, once again, that magic I felt while reading “The Body” and IT. King writes youth well. He always has, and even though the MC in JOYLAND is in his early twenties, he has a young man’s heart, the aura of a teenager. If I had to number this list, JOYLAND would be number three, while NOS4A2 and NIGHT FILM are tied at number one.

Kealan Patrick Burke scared the shit out of me this year. First, THE TENT made it all too clear that I wouldn’t be going camping anytime in the next decade (the time I believe it would take for me to forget Burke’s titular otherworldly creature), but, as soon as I started reading JACK & JILL, I knew it would replace THE TENT in my top five.

Now, if you’ve been paying attention to my reviews in 2013, you’ll remember I only gave COREYOGRAPHY 3.5 stars. I did so because I don’t believe Feldman actually wrote the book. Also, the writing was inconsistant, at time redundant, and overall wishy-washy, but the story Feldman tells is a captivating one. One that I, unfortunately, still think about.

Honorable Mentions (aka Books I read in 2013 that were not published in 2013):

DELIVERANCE, by James Dickey

HORNS, by Joe Hill

THE OCEAN AT THE END OF THE LANE, by Neil Gaiman

DESERT PLACES and RUN, both by Blake Crouch

SANDMAN SLIM, by Richard Kadrey

DARK PASSAGE, by Griffin Hayes

HELL’S MUSE, by Jack Wallen (This book deserves far more readers!)

Re-Reads That Lived Up To The First Read-Through:

THE HOBBIT, by J.R.R.Tolkien

THE STAND, by Stephen King

Books That Shit The Bed (aka Books that disappointed me to the point I wanted to throttle the author)

DEEPLY ODD, WILDERNESS, and INNOCENCE, all by my former hero, Dean (Shoulda kept the R. in your name) Koontz. Seriously, did you have a stroke nobody told us about? What the holy fuck happened to you, man?

DOCTOR SLEEP, by Stephen King. This book was sooooo good, until the last thirty percent. Then, in classic King style, he phoned in the ending. The reader never has a chance to be worried for Dan or Abra. Abra is so overpowered; she’s like a bored-out 350 in a Pontiac Fiero – you’re just waiting for it to explode, `cause you know it’s going to be awesome, but the all it does is fizzle-the-fuck out and you’re left holding your rage boner, like, what the flying fornication just happened? Luckily, JOYLAND rocked my socks.

FLUKE, by Christopher Moore. After reading my introduction to Moore, THE LUST LIZARD OF MELANCHOLY COVE, I was riding high on a wave of awesome. Then FLUKE came along and knocked me off my figurative surf board, drowning me in an ocean of boring. Not funny, not endearing, not remotely intelligent, not finished. I dropped this deuce after page 100, 101 pages too late.

GAME OF THRONES, by George R.R. Martin. Watch the HBO series. That is all.

PIGMY, by Chuck Palahniuk. I know what you were going for Chuck, but no. Just… no.

And last but not least, anything by that Edward Lorn motherfucker. Seriously, have you read his shit? You should, just to see how bad it is.

On a serious note: I had a great year, mostly because you wonderful bunch of crazies read my books, followed my nonsense on social media, and listened to me rant on my various blogs. I’m not shit without a readership aside from a dude sitting at a computer, talking to himself. You allow the magic to happen. Because magic without an audience is boring – the only unsatisfying masturbation there is. Thank you for a wonderful 2013. Love yo face, and everything else about you. Here’s to all the wild and chaotic bullshit 2014 has to offer.

Onward!

E.

CRAWL (Final Cover and Synopsis)

You’re ten miles from the nearest town.

You’ve been crippled and left for dead.

There’s something in the woods.

It’s coming.

There’s only one thing you can do…

CRAWL