Matador Network's Blog, page 2084
July 18, 2015
How to anger a northern Ohioan
Photo: Neil Conway
1. Try to outdo the region with the longest championship drought in sports misery.
Nobody competes with Cleveland in sports misery. Yeah, the Cubs have been lovable losers for a century, but that’s actually a sweet dish of schadenfreude for the entire south side of Chicago who have seen their baseball team when a World Series in recent memory. Not to mention the Bulls, Bears and now Blackhawks have had dominant runs over the past 30 years.
Cleveland hasn’t won a damn thing since 1964. So no more complaining, Chicago. And that goes for any other major league city with at least a successful team in the mix. If nothing else, nothing beats Northern Ohio when it comes to sports misery. Just look at our mountain of catastrophes: The Drive, The Fumble, The Shot, The Move, The Mesa… and that’s merely a sampling.
2. Throw us in with the red part of the state south of Columbus.
Northern Ohio is very different from the south when it comes to politics. Those trying to drag us kicking and screaming back into the 19th century generally reside in southern sectors of the state. Not that we don’t have our own fair share of awful politicians to deal with. Lynn Wachtmann and his shit-eating grin immediately comes to mind, infamous for trying to use his office to pass legislation that would allow private water bottle companies, like one he owns, to take more water out of Lake Erie.
Then there’s Cleveland-area’s Josh Mandel, infamous in his own right for — among many, many things — faking a southern accent and refusing to answer questions asked directly to his man-child face while campaigning for the Senate in southern Ohio. But at least they’re not forcing vaginal probes on women considering an abortion.
3. Talk politics.
Come to think of it, just don’t bring it up. Otherwise you’re likely to trigger some kind of horrific memory back to the last campaign season when WKYC and WEWS were inevitably inundated with nameless blank smiles approving of some message. Billboards lining I-90 and I-77, plastered with ads from some committee to make America even better. Automated phone calls with recorded pleas for your vote.
Worse yet, we might flashback to a presidential campaign season when the nation’s egos descend upon our humble state to try and convince us they actually give a damn before they disappear until the next election cycle.
4. Knock our cities by bringing up John Denver’s thoughts on Toledo or making a Johnny Carson Cleveland joke.
Regional pride might not exist to quite the same extent in Toledo as Cleveland — at least you don’t see as many locally made tee shirts proclaiming that it’s awesome here — but we don’t take too kindly to folks who have never lived here telling us how shitty it is here.
Our cities our like our family. Only we can make fun of them. So shove a Tony Packo’s dog or Cleveland Po’ Boy in your gaping hole and shove it, ya mouth-breather.
5. Describe Lake Erie as a nuclear landfill.
Have you ever gone for a romantic stroll along Voinovich Park in the midst of a Lake Erie sunset on a brisk summer evening? No? Then you don’t know what you’re talking about.
6. Complain about our weather.
As of writing, it’s a cloudy and chilly afternoon that only feels like it’s in the 60s because of our infamous humidity. And this is July we’re talking about, the one month of the year where we agreed with the powers that be that Northern Ohio would actually see the sun. Instead, the day before, there was a torrential downpour. Later in the week there might be a glimpse of sun, then suddenly the horrific lake effect snow will begin its annual onslaught against our souls.
Your cloudy days means nothing.
7. Be from Northern Ohio and cheer for that team up north.
Not everyone likes football. That’s fine. But there’s no need to cheer for that team up north out of spite or to constantly update your Facebook status during The Big Game to remind us how little you care. Good for you, but there still isn’t a soul who cares about your opinion.
8. Try to turn positive Ohio news into something insulting.
The biggest culprit of this is the joke about how so many United States astronauts were born in Ohio. Generally the punchline goes, “What’s wrong with Ohio that so many people want to get as far away as humanly possible?”
That’s as idiotic as saying Michael Jordan hates North Carolina because he went halfway across the country to play professional ball. They just went where the work was. Astronaut work happens to be in space, and Ohio just-so-happens to produce brilliant overachievers to do incredible things, like Neil Armstrong of Wapakoneta who came right back to Ohio after making a little history.
We’re over dissecting a joke here, of course. But there are far better ways to poke fun at us than to try and use our astronauts against us. I refer you back to our asshat politicians. 
21 things Portlanders have to explain to out-of-towners
(source: Flickr)
1. One does not simply “go to brunch” in Portland.
The only time you’ll encounter a line half as bad as the one stretching around the block at Voodoo Doughnuts is when trying to get into virtually any restaurant between the hours of 10:00 AM-2:30 PM. The brunch culture in Portland is strong, so consider yourself warned.
2. $4.99 means $4.99.
There’s no sales tax here, which means that the price you see is the price you pay — and which is exactly why Portland has major shopping destination for tourists headed to high-end clothing stores, the Apple store, or those looking to buy a car.
3. It’s really really easy to navigate here as long as you don’t need to deal with Ladd’s Addition.
If you know your A-B-C’s and generally how to count, you’ll be set everywhere except the Bermuda-Triangle-esque hellhole that is Ladd’s Addition. Seriously, who designed that mess?
4. It doesn’t matter how long you’re here, you won’t be able to try all of the craft beers.
I’ve lived here for 6 years and I still haven’t tried *most* of the local beers at my disposal. Protip: pick ONE brewery (Bridgeport, Full Sail, Laurelwood, Widmer Bros, Rogue, Pelican, Hopworks, or Deschutes to name a few) and try working your way through all of their offerings this trip. Even then, that’s a pretty tall order.
5. It’s called the “coast,” not the “beach,” and you’ll see exactly why when you get there.
Yes, there’s sand. And yes, it’s where the edge of the continent meets the ocean. But if you think you’re heading out to a warm, sunny day of tanning, playing volleyball, and going for a dip in the water you would be making a gross miscalculation. In fact, your day at the coast has a 99% greater chance of being misty, overcast, and resembling the lost world of Jurassic Park II than it does resembling anything like a Californian beach.
6. Cart food is more than just quick eats to grab in a pinch, it’s a way of life (and at times, far more preferable to eating in a restaurant).
Only in Portland would folks opt to eat at a food cart outside, in the rain, over a well-established restaurant. But the dirty little secret is that typically, the food at our food carts is fast, unbelievably delicious (and often riddled with exotic ingredients most restaurants can’t afford), and way cheaper per-plate than most brick-and-mortars.
7. You will learn to embrace public transportation.
We love our Trimet, we depend on it to take us everywhere we’re too lazy to ride any of our 3 fixies. We’ll even ride the street car despite the fact that it might be faster and more convenient just to walk those 4 downtown blocks. And while you’re here, you’ll be grateful to have it as a resource (especially since we *just* got Uber and Lyft, so those services out here still suck).
8. It doesn’t really “rain” here, it just sort of mists year-round.
Okay, it does rain here… but not as much as people assume. And when it’s not raining, it’s misting pretty much constantly, so either way… you’ll still be getting wet every time you step outside.
9. It’s pronounced “cooch,” and don’t you dare giggle.
If you spend any time crossing the river between the East side and downtown, there’s a fair chance you’ll wind up on the Burnside Bridge. And to get on that bridge, you’ll surely cross over “Couch” street. But tell your cabbie you’re headed toward “couch” street and you might as well be begging to get made fun of.
10. “Summer” is a funny concept here.
Arrived in May or June thinking you’ll catch some sunshine? Joke’s on you, here in Portland a fat, disgusting gray slug of a cloud rolls in overhead around mid-September and usually hangs out until around the 4th of July. But in those brief months of summer sunshine, the entire demeanor of the city picks up. Like, birds singing and folks smiling and whistling as they amble down the street kind of happy. And we live for those 2-ish months out of the year.
11. Oh, you’re from California? It’s best to keep that to yourself.
Especially if you’re in your 20’s, work in the tech industry, and are looking for somewhere “quaint” to hang your quirky designer hat.
12. Yes, that’s real foie gras on the menu, and yes it’s legal here.
At first it seems a bit of a contradiction: why would something so taboo like foie gras be allowed in a place where “farm raised” and “cruelty free” are pretty much prerequisites for getting an “A” rating as a restaurant? But the not-so-secret is that Portland is first-and-foremost a town of foodies, and their razor-sharp palates can practically taste the sadness of animals that were raised inhumanely before slaughter. So while they demand a buffet of even the most taboo flavors, they’ll still insist on having them acquired as humanely as possible.
13. Surprise! It is JUST like Portlandia.
Much to our deepest, sincerest chagrin. And to see it for yourself, look no further than Hawthorne Ave. in the afternoon.
14. If you’re linking up with a local, you will be invited to a strip club. And declining the offer will probably offend your friend.
I was raised in Las Vegas, so heed my warning when I say the strip club culture here in Portland is weird as hell. It doesn’t matter what gender you or your friends are, nor if you’re interested in seeing boobs or just playing pool over some brews, hanging out at strip clubs is just the thing people do here. And they do it a lot.
15. Got a favorite activity? You can do it in Portland… while drinking.
You don’t become the microbrew capital of the country by not loving to drink… so in Portland you can pretty much expect that any activity you might get into will come with the option of bonus alcohol. Going to see a movie? How about a beer? Going to the arcade? How about a beer? Going to spend an afternoon in the great outdoors? Did you remember to pack your beer?
16. Bicyclists ride like they’re LA motorists, and drivers drive like they’re terrified, half-stoned 14-year-olds.
With such a strong biking culture in Portland, it’s probably no surprise that the cyclists around town have grown a bit brazen in recent years. And this might indeed have something to do with the fact that the drivers here are like delicate fawns concerned about offending each other’s sensibilities. Be prepared to lose you voice shouting “that’s not how merging works!” and “stop waving me through, you have the right of way!” repeatedly while banging your head into the steering wheel.
17. Voodoo is *good*, but there are better options.
Don’t let the Portland hipster elite make you feel bad for trying Voodoo Doughnuts, it’s genuinely a superior doughnut to the majority of doughnuts you’ve probably eaten (and absolutely worth trying at least once). Just know that there are even better ones available in Portland that don’t require a 3 hour wait. Enter: Blue Star.
18. Need to fill up your tank? Don’t you dare get out of your car.
If you’re driving during your visit to Portland, I can guarantee you will have this experience no fewer than 3 times during your trip. You’ll pull up to an all-but-deserted gas station, and look around. With no one in sight, you’ll open your driver’s side door… when *BAM.* Out of nowhere a gas station attendant swoops in, ready to take your card and tell you that “in Oregon, you can’t pump your own gas… so please have a seat.”
19. For Portland pedestrians, everywhere is a crosswalk.
Seriously, nothing is more maddening and terrifying as a motorist than watching a group of teens walk backwards across a busy intersection without so much as looking to see if there might be traffic poised to accidentally smear them across the pavement. And it happens *way* more often than you’d think.
20. Beards are more of a rugged cranium accessory than a sign of unkempt laziness.
Portlanders take pride in their impressive, literally-award-winning beards. So while you’re in PDX you’ll have to learn to marvel at spectacular facial hair, and pass judgement on the clean-shaven instead.
21. You may have seen Portland, but that doesn’t mean you know anything about Oregon.
The area of Oregon is roughly 98,466 square miles, while the area of Portland accounts for only 145 of those square miles. That, coupled with the fact that the state is outrageously diverse (from all manner of terrains and ecological niches to socio-cultural ones), means your Portland experience will be, frankly, not at all representative of the state of Oregon as a whole. So if you want to have a full Oregonian experience, you’d better be prepared to spend the majority of your time here actually outside of the city altogether. 
July 17, 2015
11 reasons why Mexico City markets are a waste of time
1. The noise in a Mexico City market is annoying. Who wants to hear a “norteño trío,” a marimba from Veracruz or a romantic bolero when you can delight yourself hearing nice elevator muzak in the supermarket? The screams, jokes and pranks of the marchantes have nothing to do with the hollow peace of Walmart. You go shopping, not to party.
2. Who wants to eat tacos, gorditas, pambazos, flautas or barbacoa in a market when you can enjoy a hot dog or a pizza slice that has been on the counter for three weeks?
3. Enjoying a freshly squeezed juice or smoothie while you walk and shop at the market store is not your style.
4. Going around stall by stall and tasting everything the sellers offer you is a slow and annoying process. You want to leave immediately after you buy your stuff without taking any samples of fruits, cheese or stews.
5. Why you should buy traditional bundles of herbs when you can get jars of the same pulverized product at a much higher price?
6. Supporting the household economy of thousands of Mexican families is a waste of time. It’s better to fill the pockets of the billionaire owners of the supermarket chains.
7. Who wants to get strange scratching devices, wooden foot massagers, unctions and creams made from bee venom and other unique handcrafts? Those kind of trinkets are not worthy of your attention.
8. Can you imagine yourself eating local products free of additives and packages? Eating non-packaged fruits and vegetables must be a horrible experience. Apples don’t have the stickers of a farm from Washington or California, they’re from Chihuahua! Squashes come from Xochimilco, tomatoes from Cuajimalpa and the Nopals from Milpa Alta. You’re supporting local economy, not the international macroeconomic trade. That’s so irresponsible!
9. Religious festivities, birthdays, anniversaries… in local markets they celebrate everything… You can’t stand it! You can only tolerate the music of a juice or dairy brand promoting their products while their mascots dance frantically.
10. You can’t stand employees constantly bothering you with personal questions like “How’s your kid? I still remember when you came with him a he was still a baby.” Shopping should be a cold and solitary experience. You go to buy, not to make friends. Cut the chit chat!
11. Besides, you don’t understand why employees want to give you advices and recipes for cooking your meal. No one should interfere with your cooking. In the supermarket, no one gives advice on how to dress your salad or select your meat cuts. These “marchantes” are so disrespectful, they keep treating you almost like family when you don’t even know them! 
10 fascinatingly untranslatable Norwegian words
Directly translated, it means «unthing.» Figuratively translated, it usually describes a bad habit or tradition — of which, of course, there are many. The sudden elevation of coeliac disease into the realm of coolness is a definite “uting.” The flying of Confederate flag by hillbillies in rural Norway who have never set foot outside of Scandinavia — *huge* uting. Knuckle cracking, cellphones ringing in church…the list goes on and on.
2. Innlevelse
Innlevelse describes how well you are able to “live” as a character. Remember Sean Connery’s not-even-trying Russian accent in The Hunt for Red October? That was really poor innlevelse. Good innlevelse means you try to think and act as the character — that when you are on stage or on camera, you stop being Johnny Depp and start being Jack Sparrow. You are not Johnny Depp playing Jack Sparrow — you are Jack Sparrow, nothing else. That kid with really good innlevelse at your daughter’s elementary school play — he’s got an acting career ahead of him.
3. Hawaiifotball
This one is oddly specific, referring to the sport of football (soccer to some). Hawaiifotball arises when both teams log the ball back and forth haphazardly, never really gain control, and can’t sustain an attack or any sort of coordinated play for more than 15 seconds. Typically, this happens when both teams have stopped caring and/or have a lapse in concentration. If you think about it, though, it can be used to describe most sports: in basketball, when the game is locked into teams scoring in succession, and every single attempt is getting through. In (American) football, when teams are racking up three-and-outs like there was no tomorrow. Every team sport has situations like this.
4. Folkefest
Do you remember that one time the biggest sports team in the country came to the little village you grew up in? How entire families came to the stadium, beer and hot dogs were passed around, the weather was great, and it eventually just became a big party? Your local team was utterly trounced, but everyone was having a great time. A folkefest, literally a “people’s party,” is just that kind of event. A sporting meet, a large concert, any kind of festival…if it gathers people from all walks of life, and serves to unite whole communities into an orgy of food, drink, good vibrationsTM and everything else that is good, it is a folkefest.
5. Harry
Very often this expression is translated as cheesy, which does not do it justice at all. “Harry” is a sort of merger of everything that represents cheesiness, ignorance, hickiness and everything else non-trendy. We wouldn’t describe the movie Sharknado as harry, because even if it is amazingly cheesy it doesn’t represent something specifically out of fashion. Laconic as we are, we would probably simply describe it as shit. Country music, on the other hand…dear God, that is harry. Also, anything from the city of Drammen. No further explanation required.
6. Ildsjel
You know that one person in your town who coaches and basically runs the entire sports club, sits on the town council, helps out at the homeless shelter, organizes community events and acts as a mentor to every teenager in town — all without asking a single penny for his services? They are an ildsjel — a fire soul, literally translated. Due to the Nordic social model and the small size of most of our towns, Norwegian civil society basically runs on these men and women. They are so important that the “Ildsjel of the Year” prize is awarded at the same ceremony as all of the other major sports awards. Without them, this country would become an incredibly dull and cold place.
7. Attpåklatt
Jimmy, who sat next to you in 1st grade, had two siblings who were both in college. But all three kids were born to the same two parents. Norwegian has a separate word for this: attpåklatt means something along the lines of “blot on top”, and describes a child who was born a long time after the “main” bunch of kids in the family. After raising the two or three first children past the point where parenthood stops being “24/7 suicide prevention”, mom and dad were able to focus on each other again, reinserting some passion into the relationship. Some months later, mom was suddenly pregnant. The new kid may be an accident, or the result of one parent saying, “hey, want to have another kid?” — but they will be loved and cherished just as much by their parents, and probably spoiled rotten by the older siblings.
This story was produced through the travel journalism programs at MatadorU. Learn More
8. Tropenatt
Warm weather is in relatively short supply this far north. Even during the summer, when daytime temperatures can easily reach 25 C in the southern half of the country, you are advised to bring a sweater and/or jacket if you want to stay out at night. The mercury just drops that fast. On some very rare occasions (such as last summer, when half of us died of heat exhaustion), we have a “tropenatt” — a tropical night. The scientific(-ish) definition of a tropenatt requires the temperature to stay above 20 C (68 F) for all of the 12-hour span between 20:00 and 08:00. These occasions are held in high regard and cherished for all they are worth by the night owls.
9. Døgn
Why is there no word in English for “the period between midnight and the next midnight”? No, I don’t mean “day” — that can mean both the 24-hour period and “not night.” Norwegian døgn refers to any period of 24 hours. It’s simple, and incredibly useful in ways you wouldn’t imagine! Say that the US government has given another country 72 hours to comply (not that they would ever do such a thing) — Norwegian newspapers won’t write “72 timer” in their headlines, they will write “3 døgn.” Gas stations don’t have 24 hour opening hours, they have “døgnåpent” — døgn open. Simple and brilliant.
10. Drittsekk
This word gained some notoriety in the UK in 1993, when Norwegian Minister of the Environment Thorbjørn Berntsen rather openly disagreed with his British counterpart. By rather openly disagreed, I mean “hated his guts.” Some microphone caught Berntsen saying something which British media translated as “he is the biggest shitbag I have ever met.” When asked to comment, the Ministry simply issued a press release stating “It doesn’t sound as bad in Norwegian.” They were absolutely right — “drittsekk” is certainly a loaded word, and not one you throw around lightly. But metaphorically speaking it simply translates to “jerk” or “son of a bitch.” Several US presidents have described allied dictators as “an SOB, but our SOB” — the Norwegian translation is usually “en drittsekk, men vår drittsekk.” Mr. Berntsen was certainly not being polite, but his choice of words is one that is shouted in recess fights at Norwegian schools every day. Not some super-insult that the British government should interpret as a diplomatic incident. 
36 things you’ll never hear someone from Utah say
Photo: Andres Rodriguez
1. Mormonism? I don’t have an opinion about it.
2. Sure I can spell Tooele — just sound it out.
3. I didn’t see any car accidents on I-15 all week.
4. I’m really stressed about the population decline in this state — no one seems to be having kids any more.
5. The air quality alert on the interstate says I shouldn’t drive during rush hour — I’d better turn around and not go to work today.
6. What’s with this powdery snow? I wish we had more ice like the East Coast.
7. I’m putting money on the Jazz winning the NBA Finals this year.
8. I wish there weren’t so many cupcake stores and chocolate bundt cake shops around.
More like this: 12 reasons you should NEVER travel to Utah
9. It’s great, I can get anywhere I need to go on Utah’s public transportation system.
10. Since Fox News and Glen Beck don’t have all the answers, I’m going to invite my Democratic friends over for dinner to have a productive, open conversation about politics.
11. If you’re looking for diversity, go to Provo.
12. The inversion is a huge blessing — I feel my lungs grow stronger and stronger every day.
13. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the scenic views on 1-80.
14. I’m so sick of Café Rio.
15. My refrigerator is looking a little bare — I could sure use some more wedding invitations to hang up.
16. Hey, look at that cute heart carved into this red rock canyon!
Check out: Irrefutable evidence that Utah has the most epic night skies in the US
17. What are you doing this weekend? I was thinking we could go boating or fishing on the Great Salt Lake.
18. Come sniff this DI mattress — smells like new!
19. Your children are loud and ugly.
20. I’d invest in a ski pass, but the long drive to the resort is too much of a hassle.
21. What does ‘Stockton-to-Malone’ mean anyway?
22. What inconvenient liquor laws? I live in Southern Utah and love driving to Mesquite to buy booze.
23. I’m so pleased with how the government is running our country — I think I’ll donate an extra 10% of my income to their noble cause.
24. It’s a good thing gambling is illegal to stop me from making poor bets about my fantasy baseball team.
25. Those wild animals at Lagoons sure seem happy.
26. I wish people didn’t enunciate ‘for’ so much when they talk — I get the preposition confused with the number.
27. You wouldn’t believe how lazy my pioneer ancestors were. After they walked across the continent, they just left this old wagon wheel stuck in my garden.
28. My green lawn is totally natural.
29. I’m lucky to get such incredible maternity/paternity leave benefits at my job.
30. Jell-o? Never tried it.
31. I’m having a hard day. I think I’ll call up my friend in the diamond business—the Shane Company.
32. I make better zucchini bread than my mom.
33. I wish I didn’t live so close to the mountains — they make me feel trapped and claustrophobic.
34. Who are those two guys in white shirts and nametags at the door?
35. I admire the respectful sportsmanship between the U and BYU — what an example to others.
36. My rent is out of control — I wish I paid the same rates as my friends living in California. 
15 differences between a normal mom and a Portland mom
Moms are moms, but some moms are Portland moms. And those moms are objectively the best.
(via)
1.
A normal mom enjoys afternoon walks that end with dinner back home with the family.
A Portland mom enjoys hiking Mt. St. Helens with a homemade dinner for four on her back so you can have a feast while watching the sunset over the Cascades.
2.
A normal mom really enjoys a relaxing day by the pool.
A Portland mom really enjoys grabbing a case of craft beer with her buds and floating down a notoriously dangerous river on a makeshift raft made out of air mattresses and coolers.
3.
A normal mom packs a healthy lunch for you to take to school.
A Portland mom builds a vegetable garden on her lawn so your lunch is healthy, fresh and literally homegrown.
4.
A normal mom can inflate your bike tires if they go flat.
A Portland mom can take apart and reassemble your entire bike in less time than it takes a marine to reassemble an M-16.
5.
A normal mom will tell you the importance of gender equality and that you should research the Suffragette movement.
A Portland mom wants you to memorize the Vagina Monologues for your middle school talent show, especially if you’re a cisgendered boy.
6.
A normal mom will punish their children by sending them to their room for misbehaving.
A Portland mom will punish their children by having them play-act their emotions in order to come to a constructive conclusion about their misbehavior.
7.
A normal mom helps you pick out your jacket and tie for your first real job interview.
A Portland mom helps you find the right beanie to match with that flannel.
8.
A normal mom doesn’t want you to go to strip clubs.
A Portland mom wants to know why she saw you in her *favorite* strip club.
9.
A normal mom tells you she loves you.
A Portland mom writes a sonnet comparing her love of you to her love of Douglas Firs and smoked salmon.
10.
A normal mom wants you to explore.
A Portland mom wants you to climb around the west face of Mt. Hood while she walks around the east, so that you both will have stories to share when you meet on the other side.
11.
A normal mom doesn’t want you to do drugs.
A Portland mom is worried her high school friends are going to try to get you to smoke weed with them.
12.
A normal mom tells you to wait until you are 18 before you start drinking beer.
A Portland mom has been letting you have an occasional glass of wine for dinner since you were twelve, because “the Northwest is really the Europe of the United States.”
13.
A normal mom misses you when you are gone.
A Portland mom shows you how much you are missing every day you spend away from her. (Yesterday, it was pictures of her skydiving with your high school girlfriend.)
14.
A normal mom helps you decorate your first apartment.
A Portland mom helps you cut, carve, sand, and lacquer your furniture for your first apartment.
15.
A normal mom is worried that you are too young to take care of a puppy.
A Portland mom is worried that the chicken coop she is working on is giving away your surprise 5th birthday present.
feature: Flickr 
How to piss off someone from Oregon
Nestle, water belongs to everyone, just like the air, this earth is all of ours and shouldn’t be parceled up and divided between those who can afford it and those who can’t. So if you try to come in and bottle up our water to sell for a profit you’re probably going to meet some resistance. The only corporate privatization we allow in our state is Nike’s ownership of the University of Oregon football team.
Ask us for some “grass.”
And we’ll tell you to “keep rollin’ a lawn” until you see the green JB sign on I-5. Your allergies will let you know you’ve arrived. If it’s our legal, home-grown medical-grade marijuana that you want, be warned: not all Oregonian’s have an eighth of herb in their Chrome bag for sale just because their eyes are red. Again, that’s the allergies. But if you’re desperate, follow your nose to Pier Park where disc golfers take recreational marijuana to the next level. They’ll probably even give you a nug, because that’s the kind of generous, friendly people they are.
Buy a penis-shaped maple bar from Voodoo Doughnuts.
An endless line bends around the block and you’re waiting as a kid suffering from analysis paralysis is trying to decide what kind of cereal he wants on his doughnut. There are homeless twenty-somethings everywhere, circling like vultures trying to pick off bits of spare change and cigarettes. You finally get to the counter and what do you order? You order the “Cock-and-Balls” maple bar. After ambling gleefully over to the MAX with your bright pink box as a beacon screaming tourist you sit next to us, nibbling the doughy scrotum of your doughnut-phallus, dripping custard filling on to that bright pink vehicle for diabetes on your lap, trying to take a suggestive selfie with your greasy fingers.
If we were from somewhere where people spoke their minds, we’d give you a piece of ours, but we’re not, so we sit quietly and scornfully in our seat looking out the window, murmuring to ourselves about the inane, self-obsessed and herd-like direction our generation is heading. So, please, unless you’re a bachelorette in want of everything penis-shaped, go to Bluestar.<>
Take a piss in Portland’s water supply.
It may seem weird to have a giant, open-air reservoir in the middle of a city… and it may seem susceptible to things like bird feces and the occasional drunk teenager who really needs to urinate, possibly contaminating 38 million gallons of water. Well, it is. Good thing clean drinking water is an inexhaustible resource. Right?
Call it frolf.
It’s disc golf, and other than hunting for chanterelles, it’s one of the better ways to spend a couple hours in the woods, even if you suck.
Destroy our old-growth forests.
Especially Enchanted Forest.
Suggest a quick bite at your local McMenamins.
Cool looking pubs? Sure. But, the only thing you’ll get quickly at McMenamins are stress hormones from the overworked staff.
Don’t thank the bus driver.
We thank everyone for everything, it’s part of being an Oregonian.
Bring a six-pack of “Peeber” to a party.
Yes, hipsters seem to love them, but the only reason to bring Pabst Blue Ribbon to a party is for beer-pong or as an emergency backup and it better be nothing less than a 12-pack, otherwise a six-pack of Ninkasi, Deschutes or one of our several hundred other microbrews should do. And no, Sam Adams doesn’t count.
Pronounce it OR-EE-GONE
What’s in a name? For most, it’s the core of their identity. It’s the mode in which others can address someone or something and immediately recall the associations that come with it, which is why a name is so important. Pronouncing one’s name correctly, as defined by the owner of the name, matters. It’s a sign of respect, of care, of attention to detail. And, obviously, it matters most to the bearer of the name. Which is why if you pronounce our name as OR-EE-GONE you will piss us off. It’s pretty simple, and if you can say Or-uh-gun, it’s close enough.
Assume everyone is a flannel-clad hipster from Portlandia
Thanks to Portlandia, legal weed and maps, Portland is now firmly on the map as a place where 20-somethings move to semi-retire. While the show is sometimes satirically spot-on, it’s not exactly representative of most Portlanders, much less the greater part of Oregon on either side of the Valley.
Ask someone under 35 to breakfast.
As a state where it seems almost every millennial works nights in the service industry, we don’t do breakfast, we do brunch and we take it very seriously. So, I’ll meet you at Tasty n Sons at 8am — we should have a table by noon.
Drop the ball on a Goonies or Kindergarten Cop reference.
“Hey you guys, it’s not a tumor.” It’s your lack of local movie references.
Fail to appreciate the beauty of a rainy day.
Oregon is one of the most beautiful states in the union for a reason: It rains. The rain keeps this verdant state green and lush. Rain is good, and we’re used to it, making the occasional “Sun Break” a gift from the Almighty Universe, Itself. Never will you see so much happy, pale, corpse-like skin in Waterfront Park in all your life. If you want more sunlight just strap on your chains and drive over the pass to Bend and you’ll be in the dry, high-desert climate of Central Oregon.
Throw your can in the garbage.
We recycle, and if you don’t, you hate the planet.
Use an umbrella.
Unless your umbrella just poked us in the eye, we won’t hate you, we might even use one from time to time if we don’t want to mess up our hair. But, due to unpredictable weather, light drizzles and gusty days an umbrella will either be useless or become a crippled pterodactyl permanently at roost in the corner by the door. Get a damn jacket.
Impose a dress code.
We don’t wear suits, we’re a shorts and T-shirt kind of people. A casual, down-to-earth breed who like to show off our workplace acceptable tats.
Shop at Walmart instead of WinCo.
Sure they have good deals, but ask yourself why they have good deals? Efficiency of distribution? Pschaww. It’s their low wages, lack of benefits, and subterranean sweatshops.
Forget the rain fly on a camping trip
There will be rain.
Try to pump your own gas.
It’s illegal here, so if you touch that nozzle the attendant will appear out of whatever den they hide in to haunt your dreams forever.
Be from California.
Individually, you’re fine, Californian. And if you want to move up here, embrace our culture and join the herd, we’ll welcome you with a hug, because we like to hug. Just don’t go north of Medford.
Move to Portland.
Portland doesn’t need any more edgy, bearded bartenders fueled by coffee, cigarettes and sweet tats driving up rent in an unwanted evolution to become the next San Francisco. So come visit Oregon and enjoy it like we do, but please don’t stay unless you have something more to add than your world-class beard. Thank you.
(feature: flickr) 
what Montrealers have over everyone
Photo: Eva blue
1. We have an invisible shield against ridiculous bureaucracy.
We’ve developed a very high tolerance for bureaucratic red tape in Montreal, because how else would anything get done? If you ever need someone to wait in line at the licensing office, or cheer you up because the clerk at the health clinic gave you the wrong receipt, call a Montrealer: we’ve probably done exactly that before ourselves, and we know the quick and easy ways to get things done.
2. We can party unbelievably late without ever being tired.
Sure, you may THINK you’re a night owl. You may pride yourself on only knowing about one eight o’clock per day. But until you’ve visited the city where last call is at 3 and that’s when the poutine party starts, you don’t actually know what you’re talking about. Plus, conveniently, most of us are late for everything, so everything goes later.
3. We’re amazingly flexible.
Have you heard of this little company called Cirque du Soleil? Turns out many of them train at the Quebec Circus School, in the fairly awesome Montreal neighbourhood Parc Ex. Back when I was vaguely interested in learning how to hula hoop, I took my practice hoop to a park because I was always accidentally letting go of it and flinging it across the room. I saw another couple of people with hula hoops and figured they were other amateurs with the same idea…until they formed a human pyramid and hooped their way through some truly contortionist poses.
4. We have one of the best transit systems in the country.
Although they just raised a single fare to $3.25, a monthly pass here is $80, as compared to $142 in Toronto and up to $170 in Vancouver (depending on where you want to go). Furthermore, if you include the trains de banlieue, you can get pretty much anywhere in both the city and the surrounding region for very little hassle.
5. We have the best music scene in the country.
The government of Quebec offers grants of up to $25,000 for musicians to practice their craft or produce important works…and it shows. Montreal is home to one of the best music scenes you’ll ever find: acoustic, jazz, EDM, or electroswing, you name it, someone in Montreal is doing it and doing it well. Hang around upcoming Haitian restaurant Agrikol and you might catch a glimpse of Montreal wunderkinds Arcade Fire (repeatedly voted “Most Pretentious Band” in Culture Montreal’s “Best of Montreal”).
6. We can rent a two bedroom apartment here for $750 a month.
I mean, not everywhere. And the cheap apartments get snapped up pretty fast, so you have to be really on the ball to find them. But overall, the cost of living in Montreal is way, WAY lower than any other major city of its size; you can buy your groceries at one of the plentiful small fruiteries or either of the two big markets, Hydro Quebec has the lowest electricity rates in Canada, and you save a ton of money by not having a car. See number 4.
7. We can buy booze within a 5-min walk from our place.
Our corner stores (called dépanneurs) are pretty ubiquitous; there’s usually one on almost every block. Most of them have a fine selection of beer and/or wine, available til 11pm, plus cheese, cat food, and condoms…pretty much anything you might want to buy when you’re too lazy to walk the twenty minutes to your closest grocery store, which probably closed at 6pm anyway.
8. We can switch instantly back and forth between two languages a half dozen times within a couple sentences.
Most native residents and quite a few of the immigrants (whether from the rest of Canada or elsewhere) are at least bilingual (English and French), with some people stacking even more languages for good measure — I once met a cab driver in the Plateau who spoke Arabic, English, and French, then taught himself German, Italian, Greek, and Hebrew, just for the heck of it. Most customer service people will greet you with “Hello bonjour” so you can answer in whichever language you want, and it’s one of the only cities in the world where people speak both English and French simultaneously: sometimes even switching between them mid-sentence. I once eavesdropped on a conversation where the young men switched languages every few words.
9. We can hit La Ronde any time we feel the need for thrills.
Do you like roller coasters? So do we. La Ronde is the biggest amusement park in Quebec, and is one of only two parks operated by Six Flags that aren’t branded. It was originally built for Expo 67 and is full of hair-raising roller coasters.
10. We can develop video games like no one else.
There are roughly half a billion people in the world playing video games more than an hour a day, and chances are some of those games came from Montreal. Home base of Ubisoft, EA, and many smaller studios, Montreal is most famous for Assassin’s Creed but there are tons more games of every kind that were produced here. 
Spain’s raddest days for music are coming up. Here’s how to survive FIB Benicàssim and Low Festival.
Sunglasses are a must when attending any Spanish festival. Not only will they allow you to spot your favorite musicians’ faces during afternoon concerts, but they will also be very useful as a sleeping mask. After a long night of concerts, they will help you get some sleep inside your tent.
Una foto publicada por @aniajohansen el 2 de Jul de 2015 a la(s) 8:21 PDT
2. Don’t forget your swimsuit!
Both festivals take place by the sea, so don’t forget your swimsuit, towel and sunscreen. You’ll get tanned while socializing and improving your impressive beach tennis technique.
#happiness #illadearousa #festivaldonorte #summer #sun #sunset #galifornia #camping #weekend
Una foto publicada por David Tembleque (@davidtembleque) el 6 de Jul de 2015 a la(s) 10:53 PDT
3. Learn how to communicate through your body.
We Spanish people are definitely not famous for mastering the English language; we prefer to communicate with the international language of gesturing. It’s much easier to learn and it doesn’t require expensive courses abroad. So don’t worry if you’ve left your Spanish dictionary at home because we will definitely manage to communicate.
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