Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 31

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations // Are Boy’s That Easy

“Boys are easy and girls are hard.”

It’s one of the most common things we say about children and I’ve come to believe it’s one of the most damaging.

Think about when we say it. When a woman is pregnant and people ask her the inevitable “What are you having?” question and she says, “A boy,” a frequent response is, “You’re so lucky. You won’t have to deal with any girl drama or mean girls. Boys are so simple.”

We don’t stop at pregnancy. We say it throughout children’s lives.

It’s critical to realize what messages girls and boys get when adults say this. For girls, it’s “Because you’re a girl, we expect you to be gossiping backstabbers who never let go of a grudge.” For boys, the message is equally problematic because it’s saying to boys that if they have an intense emotional reaction to something like their friend betraying them or ridiculing them, they should just let it roll off their back. When we say boys are “easy,” we set up the expectation that they should not get upset and if they do there’s something wrong with them.

To state an obvious but ignored truth: boys know how to verbally humiliate each other.

This fall I am teaching a group of 4th and 5th grade boys in an after-school program and my students are challenged by these issues every day. From playing touch football during recess to walking back into class, the boys can treat each other just as cruelly as any girl. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl, when someone humiliates you at school, you don’t want to be there. At the least, it’s hard to concentrate in class when the person who was so mean to you is sitting right next to you.

But I understand why people make these assumptions about boys. When I arrive at the gym to take them to my class, they’re yelling, chasing each other and hurling themselves into (the thankfully padded) walls. But underneath the chaos, feelings get hurt and buttons are intentionally pushed.

So I am using these common problems to give my students permission to acknowledge the pain these fleeting moments can cause and then work with them to teach them how to stop participating in putting each other down.

It’s not easy. Boys in 4th and 5th grade usually have two reactions that make all of this very challenging: The “I didn’t do it” reaction (even if you saw what they did) and “Whatever he did to me is way worse than anything I did to him” reaction.

So this is what I am focused on–creating a learning environment of inclusion, respect and dignity.

Modify expectations.

Those of us who teach social and emotional learning (SEL) of any kind can fall prey to overly ambitious goals about what’s possible to accomplish in a class session. You have to be ready to ask yourself the following, “If there is one thing I want my students to learn today, just one, what would that be and how am I going to make sure I have the best chance of accomplishing that goal?”

For better and worse, remember the students have already established relationships and some of those aren’t good.

If you’re an educator who is dropping into a class, as many SEL educators do, remember that you are coming into a group with already established dynamics between the kids. Everything we talk about it in SEL class has the potential to trigger reactions from the students individually and within the group.

Remember that there can be a lot of conflict in the way boys play.

From insulting someone when they drop a ball during recess, to demanding a redo playing four square and the other children refusing, to seeing someone cheat and get away with it, all of these conflicts can be very upsetting to boys. It’s what in their world often looks like fair and unfair. And when adults don’t respect that or yell at the boys to behave, without understanding the boys’ complex social dynamics, boys learn that you can’t depend on adults to uphold ethical standards.

Don’t expect immediate results but have faith that if you keep calm and focused, something good will happen.

As we walked to the gym to play our Alligator Swamp game, I heard one of the boys tell another student that he had “butt lice.” When I stopped “Bill,” he got incredibly upset and said, “I didn’t do anything.” But then a miracle happened. Up to this point, the other games we tried were colossal failures. The boys argued so much that the games weren’t fun. But the Alligator Swamp game worked. From the start, all the boys worked together and didn’t insult each other when they made a mistake. When one student walked away in tears because someone had cut the line, I stopped the game and asked the group how we were going to solve this problem that happens so often when they play games. And guess what…and this is what I live for as a teacher…Bill offered to let the other boy go ahead of him in line.

Find moments of connection in order to model how to treat students with dignity.

“Bill” was still waiting for his dad to pick him up from school after our session was over. That gave me the opportunity to thank him for letting the other child go ahead of him in line and stress how much he had helped the group accomplish their goal. His little ears turned red as he said, “You’re welcome.” Which then gave me the opportunity to whisper, “And that butt lice stuff…that’s not going to happen again right?” “Ok,” he said quietly. A few minutes later when Bill’s dad picked him up, I proudly told him what a great thing Bill did for the other student and how important he was to accomplishing the group’s goal.

I’m not going to lie. Teaching these boys is hard, because teaching kids is hard. But the next time you see a boy refuse to participate or walk around like he doesn’t care about anything, think about the world he has grown up in. We need more boys to grow into men who know how to express their feelings, stand up for themselves and others and feel good about doing it. And that’s only going to happen if adults see boys for the complex emotional beings that they are.

Originally posted on ALD’s Classroom Conversation

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations: Are Boy’s That Easy

“Boys are easy and girls are hard.”

It’s one of the most common things we say about children and I’ve come to believe it’s one of the most damaging.

Think about when we say it. When a woman is pregnant and people ask her the inevitable “What are you having?” question and she says, “A boy,” a frequent response is, “You’re so lucky. You won’t have to deal with any girl drama or mean girls. Boys are so simple.”

We don’t stop at pregnancy. We say it throughout children’s lives.

It’s critical to realize what messages girls and boys get when adults say this. For girls, it’s “Because you’re a girl, we expect you to be gossiping backstabbers who never let go of a grudge.” For boys, the message is equally problematic because it’s saying to boys that if they have an intense emotional reaction to something like their friend betraying them or ridiculing them, they should just let it roll off their back. When we say boys are “easy,” we set up the expectation that they should not get upset and if they do there’s something wrong with them.

To state an obvious but ignored truth: boys know how to verbally humiliate each other.

This fall I am teaching a group of 4th and 5th grade boys in an after-school program and my students are challenged by these issues every day. From playing touch football during recess to walking back into class, the boys can treat each other just as cruelly as any girl. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl, when someone humiliates you at school, you don’t want to be there. At the least, it’s hard to concentrate in class when the person who was so mean to you is sitting right next to you.

But I understand why people make these assumptions about boys. When I arrive at the gym to take them to my class, they’re yelling, chasing each other and hurling themselves into (the thankfully padded) walls. But underneath the chaos, feelings get hurt and buttons are intentionally pushed.

So I am using these common problems to give my students permission to acknowledge the pain these fleeting moments can cause and then work with them to teach them how to stop participating in putting each other down.

It’s not easy. Boys in 4th and 5th grade usually have two reactions that make all of this very challenging: The “I didn’t do it” reaction (even if you saw what they did) and “Whatever he did to me is way worse than anything I did to him” reaction.

So this is what I am focused on–creating a learning environment of inclusion, respect and dignity.

Modify expectations.

Those of us who teach social and emotional learning (SEL) of any kind can fall prey to overly ambitious goals about what’s possible to accomplish in a class session. You have to be ready to ask yourself the following, “If there is one thing I want my students to learn today, just one, what would that be and how am I going to make sure I have the best chance of accomplishing that goal?”

For better and worse, remember the students have already established relationships and some of those aren’t good.

If you’re an educator who is dropping into a class, as many SEL educators do, remember that you are coming into a group with already established dynamics between the kids. Everything we talk about it in SEL class has the potential to trigger reactions from the students individually and within the group.

Remember that there can be a lot of conflict in the way boys play.

From insulting someone when they drop a ball during recess, to demanding a redo playing four square and the other children refusing, to seeing someone cheat and get away with it, all of these conflicts can be very upsetting to boys. It’s what in their world often looks like fair and unfair. And when adults don’t respect that or yell at the boys to behave, without understanding the boys’ complex social dynamics, boys learn that you can’t depend on adults to uphold ethical standards.

Don’t expect immediate results but have faith that if you keep calm and focused, something good will happen.

As we walked to the gym to play our Alligator Swamp game, I heard one of the boys tell another student that he had “butt lice.” When I stopped “Bill,” he got incredibly upset and said, “I didn’t do anything.” But then a miracle happened. Up to this point, the other games we tried were colossal failures. The boys argued so much that the games weren’t fun. But the Alligator Swamp game worked. From the start, all the boys worked together and didn’t insult each other when they made a mistake. When one student walked away in tears because someone had cut the line, I stopped the game and asked the group how we were going to solve this problem that happens so often when they play games. And guess what…and this is what I live for as a teacher…Bill offered to let the other boy go ahead of him in line.

Find moments of connection in order to model how to treat students with dignity.

“Bill” was still waiting for his dad to pick him up from school after our session was over. That gave me the opportunity to thank him for letting the other child go ahead of him in line and stress how much he had helped the group accomplish their goal. His little ears turned red as he said, “You’re welcome.” Which then gave me the opportunity to whisper, “And that butt lice stuff…that’s not going to happen again right?” “Ok,” he said quietly. A few minutes later when Bill’s dad picked him up, I proudly told him what a great thing Bill did for the other student and how important he was to accomplishing the group’s goal.

I’m not going to lie. Teaching these boys is hard, because teaching kids is hard. But the next time you see a boy refuse to participate or walk around like he doesn’t care about anything, think about the world he has grown up in. We need more boys to grow into men who know how to express their feelings, stand up for themselves and others and feel good about doing it. And that’s only going to happen if adults see boys for the complex emotional beings that they are.

Originally posted on ALD’s Classroom Conversation

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations

Are Boys That Easy

“Boys are easy and girls are hard.”

It’s one of the most common things we say about children and I’ve come to believe it’s one of the most damaging.

Think about when we say it. When a woman is pregnant and people ask her the inevitable “What are you having?” question and she says, “A boy,” a frequent response is, “You’re so lucky. You won’t have to deal with any girl drama or mean girls. Boys are so simple.”

We don’t stop at pregnancy. We say it throughout children’s lives.

It’s critical to realize what messages girls and boys get when adults say this. For girls, it’s “Because you’re a girl, we expect you to be gossiping backstabbers who never let go of a grudge.” For boys, the message is equally problematic because it’s saying to boys that if they have an intense emotional reaction to something like their friend betraying them or ridiculing them, they should just let it roll off their back. When we say boys are “easy,” we set up the expectation that they should not get upset and if they do there’s something wrong with them.

To state an obvious but ignored truth: boys know how to verbally humiliate each other.

This fall I am teaching a group of 4th and 5th grade boys in an after-school program and my students are challenged by these issues every day. From playing touch football during recess to walking back into class, the boys can treat each other just as cruelly as any girl. It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl, when someone humiliates you at school, you don’t want to be there. At the least, it’s hard to concentrate in class when the person who was so mean to you is sitting right next to you.

But I understand why people make these assumptions about boys. When I arrive at the gym to take them to my class, they’re yelling, chasing each other and hurling themselves into (the thankfully padded) walls. But underneath the chaos, feelings get hurt and buttons are intentionally pushed.

So I am using these common problems to give my students permission to acknowledge the pain these fleeting moments can cause and then work with them to teach them how to stop participating in putting each other down.

It’s not easy. Boys in 4th and 5th grade usually have two reactions that make all of this very challenging: The “I didn’t do it” reaction (even if you saw what they did) and “Whatever he did to me is way worse than anything I did to him” reaction.

So this is what I am focused on–creating a learning environment of inclusion, respect and dignity.

Modify expectations.

Those of us who teach social and emotional learning (SEL) of any kind can fall prey to overly ambitious goals about what’s possible to accomplish in a class session. You have to be ready to ask yourself the following, “If there is one thing I want my students to learn today, just one, what would that be and how am I going to make sure I have the best chance of accomplishing that goal?”

For better and worse, remember the students have already established relationships and some of those aren’t good.

If you’re an educator who is dropping into a class, as many SEL educators do, remember that you are coming into a group with already established dynamics between the kids. Everything we talk about it in SEL class has the potential to trigger reactions from the students individually and within the group.

Remember that there can be a lot of conflict in the way boys play.

From insulting someone when they drop a ball during recess, to demanding a redo playing four square and the other children refusing, to seeing someone cheat and get away with it, all of these conflicts can be very upsetting to boys. It’s what in their world often looks like fair and unfair. And when adults don’t respect that or yell at the boys to behave, without understanding the boys’ complex social dynamics, boys learn that you can’t depend on adults to uphold ethical standards.

Don’t expect immediate results but have faith that if you keep calm and focused, something good will happen.

As we walked to the gym to play our Alligator Swamp game, I heard one of the boys tell another student that he had “butt lice.” When I stopped “Bill,” he got incredibly upset and said, “I didn’t do anything.” But then a miracle happened. Up to this point, the other games we tried were colossal failures. The boys argued so much that the games weren’t fun. But the Alligator Swamp game worked. From the start, all the boys worked together and didn’t insult each other when they made a mistake. When one student walked away in tears because someone had cut the line, I stopped the game and asked the group how we were going to solve this problem that happens so often when they play games. And guess what…and this is what I live for as a teacher…Bill offered to let the other boy go ahead of him in line.

Find moments of connection in order to model how to treat students with dignity.

“Bill” was still waiting for his dad to pick him up from school after our session was over. That gave me the opportunity to thank him for letting the other child go ahead of him in line and stress how much he had helped the group accomplish their goal. His little ears turned red as he said, “You’re welcome.” Which then gave me the opportunity to whisper, “And that butt lice stuff…that’s not going to happen again right?” “Ok,” he said quietly. A few minutes later when Bill’s dad picked him up, I proudly told him what a great thing Bill did for the other student and how important he was to accomplishing the group’s goal.

I’m not going to lie. Teaching these boys is hard, because teaching kids is hard. But the next time you see a boy refuse to participate or walk around like he doesn’t care about anything, think about the world he has grown up in. We need more boys to grow into men who know how to express their feelings, stand up for themselves and others and feel good about doing it. And that’s only going to happen if adults see boys for the complex emotional beings that they are.

Originally posted on ALD’s Classroom Conversation

Family Circle: What’s Up with Your Son and His Sneaker Obsession?

When little boys get into their first superhero costume, magic occurs. They know they have super powers. They think they can fly, bend steel and outrun the wind. A few years later, when it dawns on boys that maybe their Batman capes don’t give them these powers, they seek out something else. Sneakers.

A boy’s love affair with his “kicks” is intense. If you’ve ever seen a boy lace up his new sneakers (that word moms usually use) and run around the shoe store, you know what I mean. In the right pair, boys believe they will jump higher and run faster. You can see it in the gleam in their eyes—they are invincible.

But there’s nothing new about shoes being a big deal for boys. From Vans to PF Flyers to Chuck Taylors (“Chucks”), shoes matter. The love of kicks is deep. And for this generation of boys, it’s basketball shoes.

The first Air Jordans came onto the market in 1985, right after Michael Jordan first laced up those black-and-red shoes to match the colors of the Chicago Bulls. David Stern, the NBA commissioner at the time, fined Jordan five thousand dollars each time he stepped out on the court because his shoes didn’t have enough white on them. There was nothing David Stern could have done to make Michael Jordan or his shoes look cooler. Jordan was breaking the rules and he looked good doing it.

But why else are shoes such a big deal for boys?

Shoes are the fashion choice that all boys can participate in without being teased. When you go with your son to a store like Foot Locker and the salesperson in that black-and-white striped shirt comes over to your son, what does he ask? Does he ask what size shoe your son wears? No. The smart ones say, “Hey, man, what are your colors?” What other article of clothing could that happen with? Where else could that question be asked without drawing embarrassment from your kid?

The last time I went with my sons, I had a hard time holding back my laughter as I listened to their intense discussion with the salesman. I watched them wander in front of the wall of shoes, saw their intense gaze and subsequent handling of the shoes while they each stared off visualizing their future greatness on the basketball court. The entire thing was completely ridiculous—a fact that I kept to myself.

What isn’t ridiculous and what parents need to be very aware of, is that shoes are a huge indicator among boys about status and money. The shoes boys most covet are heavily marketed to them and extremely expensive. (Nike Kobes are about $170 and LeBrons can go up to $250.) If parents are willing to pay for them, that says a lot about how they’re buying into the marketing campaigns that are targeting our boys and, by extension, our wallets.

Also keep in mind that boys often have judgments about who has the right to wear these shoes. As in, if you wear them but you can’t hold your own athletically, boys are going to make fun of you to your face or ridicule you behind your back.

I am writing about this to suggest that when your son is begging for new shoes and spends hours looking at his various options online, don’t make fun of him or belittle his apparent superficiality. Instead, see this an opportunity to talk about financial responsibility and perception of his image. Tell him how much you are willing to spend. If he still insists that he has to get expensive shoes, tell him he has to use his savings or work to pay for the rest. Then ask him how he thinks his life will be better if he has the shoes he covets and really listen to his answers, because he is giving you a window into his world.

But what if you’re having the opposite experience and your son won’t get rid of his shoes. Are you that mom who’s desperate to buy him new ones because the old ones are so disgusting? The reason he’s doing this may be because he doesn’t want to buy into the materialism of the other kids. Boys can do things for amazing reasons, but it’s hard to see—even when it’s right in front of our eyes. Again, this is an opportunity to look beyond the shoes and ask the boys in our lives why they’re doing things that make so little sense to us. The strange thing is that if we do, we really may learn something.

Originally posted on Family Circle Momster

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Family Circle: What’s Up with Your Son and His Sneaker Obsession?

When little boys get into their first superhero costume, magic occurs. They know they have super powers. They think they can fly, bend steel and outrun the wind. A few years later, when it dawns on boys that maybe their Batman capes don’t give them these powers, they seek out something else. Sneakers.

A boy’s love affair with his “kicks” is intense. If you’ve ever seen a boy lace up his new sneakers (that word moms usually use) and run around the shoe store, you know what I mean. In the right pair, boys believe they will jump higher and run faster. You can see it in the gleam in their eyes—they are invincible.

But there’s nothing new about shoes being a big deal for boys. From Vans to PF Flyers to Chuck Taylors (“Chucks”), shoes matter. The love of kicks is deep. And for this generation of boys, it’s basketball shoes.

The first Air Jordans came onto the market in 1985, right after Michael Jordan first laced up those black-and-red shoes to match the colors of the Chicago Bulls. David Stern, the NBA commissioner at the time, fined Jordan five thousand dollars each time he stepped out on the court because his shoes didn’t have enough white on them. There was nothing David Stern could have done to make Michael Jordan or his shoes look cooler. Jordan was breaking the rules and he looked good doing it.

But why else are shoes such a big deal for boys?

Shoes are the fashion choice that all boys can participate in without being teased. When you go with your son to a store like Foot Locker and the salesperson in that black-and-white striped shirt comes over to your son, what does he ask? Does he ask what size shoe your son wears? No. The smart ones say, “Hey, man, what are your colors?” What other article of clothing could that happen with? Where else could that question be asked without drawing embarrassment from your kid?

The last time I went with my sons, I had a hard time holding back my laughter as I listened to their intense discussion with the salesman. I watched them wander in front of the wall of shoes, saw their intense gaze and subsequent handling of the shoes while they each stared off visualizing their future greatness on the basketball court. The entire thing was completely ridiculous—a fact that I kept to myself.

What isn’t ridiculous and what parents need to be very aware of, is that shoes are a huge indicator among boys about status and money. The shoes boys most covet are heavily marketed to them and extremely expensive. (Nike Kobes are about $170 and LeBrons can go up to $250.) If parents are willing to pay for them, that says a lot about how they’re buying into the marketing campaigns that are targeting our boys and, by extension, our wallets.

Also keep in mind that boys often have judgments about who has the right to wear these shoes. As in, if you wear them but you can’t hold your own athletically, boys are going to make fun of you to your face or ridicule you behind your back.

I am writing about this to suggest that when your son is begging for new shoes and spends hours looking at his various options online, don’t make fun of him or belittle his apparent superficiality. Instead, see this an opportunity to talk about financial responsibility and perception of his image. Tell him how much you are willing to spend. If he still insists that he has to get expensive shoes, tell him he has to use his savings or work to pay for the rest. Then ask him how he thinks his life will be better if he has the shoes he covets and really listen to his answers, because he is giving you a window into his world.

But what if you’re having the opposite experience and your son won’t get rid of his shoes. Are you that mom who’s desperate to buy him new ones because the old ones are so disgusting? The reason he’s doing this may be because he doesn’t want to buy into the materialism of the other kids. Boys can do things for amazing reasons, but it’s hard to see—even when it’s right in front of our eyes. Again, this is an opportunity to look beyond the shoes and ask the boys in our lives why they’re doing things that make so little sense to us. The strange thing is that if we do, we really may learn something.

Originally posted on Family Circle Momster

Family Circle: The Downside of Dress Codes

A few days before I started sixth grade at a private school, I went with my mother to get my uniforms. While she beamed, I remember miserably pulling the green-and-white-striped dress over my head. My mother, like many parents to this day, believed that uniforms were the answer to stopping social competition among students and contributed to an overall positive school atmosphere.

But here’s the problem: Way too often administrators and teachers enforce their school’s dress code by disrespecting and shaming their students, as with a recent incident involving asuperintendent in Oklahoma. Not only is this unethical but it contributes to a school environment where the children don’t trust the adults to exercise their authority ethically. What should be a moment in the hall of “Please take off your hat” or “That skirt is a little short” becomes a humiliating power struggle where the child has no opportunity to learn whatever lesson the adult believes they are trying to teach.

Before I go on, let’s articulate the standard arguments to support school uniforms and dress codes. It is said that they:

1. Set a standard for students that learning environments should be given respect and prepares them for a professional environment as adults.

2. Contribute to students respecting themselves.

3. Decrease materialism and social competition.

4. Stop children from wearing clothes that are offensive or promote illegal or unhealthy substances like drugs and alcohol.

5. Contribute to school spirit and unity.

On the face of it, all these goals are entirely reasonable. Unfortunately, uniforms aren’t a magic bullet to stop “fashion show” competition between students. Kids know who has more money either because the student boasts about it (which is common) or other people talk about it. If it’s important to a student to show how rich their family is, they will figure out a way to do so, from donning $300 headphones to sporting $200 sneakers to bragging about what cars their parents have.

What’s more, no matter how great the school or how well-intentioned the rules are, a dress code and the way it is enforced can mask double standards and abuse of power. For example, the way boys and girls get in trouble for violating dress codes is different. Boys get in trouble for wearing clothes that are “disrespectful.” However they define that (sagging and baggy pants, wearing a hat inside), far too many adults start the interaction with boys by using their power as an adult to dominate them in public (by yelling at them in the hallway in front of their peers). And if the boy doesn’t immediately comply, his behavior is seen as defiant and requiring punishment. I am not excusing bad manners, but adults need to have common sense when they talk to people with adolescent brains. No one likes to be called out in public—especially teens—and when you do that, the teachable moment is lost.

In contrast, girls get in trouble more often for violating the dress code and are usually accused of presenting themselves in sexually inappropriate ways. Girls who go through puberty earlier and/or are more voluptuous are also disproportionately targeted (which also disproportionately impacts African American and Latina girls). Yes, a girl with a voluptuous body can be distracting, but that doesn’t mean the male students around her should be held to such a low standard that they aren’t expected to treat her respectfully. Teaching girls to respect themselves should focus on being proud of who they are—not shaming them for looking sexually promiscuous. This is a teachable moment about your hopes for your girl.

If your kid’s school has a dress code, it’s critical to instruct your child how to accept the responsibility they have as a member of the school community while recognizing that sometimes the way the code is applied is unfair.

Whether you have a son or a daughter, here’s what you can say:

If someone talks to you about being out of dress code, do what they say. If you feel that they have been rude to you, I still want you to do what they say but then tell me and/or tell the administrator you trust the most. But if you’re genuinely confused about why you’re out of dress code, or what you’re wearing is important to you and it’s not communicating something rude or degrading about someone else, you have the right to respectfully ask why you are in violation. If you feel strongly about this, you can research your rights about freedom of expression in school and bring that to the administration. You may not get what you want, but it’s important to know your rights and I will support that.

Here’s what you should say specifically to your daughter:

This is difficult to speak about with you, but it’s important to me that I do. Your school has a dress code. For girls, that often means not presenting yourself in a sexual manner. I want you to be proud of your body and I never want you to be ashamed of it. But way more important to me than the dress code is you. You are a smart young woman with a lot to contribute to this world. Like all young women, you’re growing up in a world that dismisses your opinions and rights by trying to convince you that the most important thing about you is your physical appearance. Obviously, you are so much more than that. I want you to be proud and comfortable with how you look. But I also want you to be proud and comfortable about who you are beyond that. So I’d like you to think about that when you get dressed for school.  Can you put the clothes you like and that are within the dress code on one side of your closet and the ones that are not on the other side?

If administrators at your school are shaming girls, you need to speak out against it. Schools can have standards. They can even have standards that you disagree with but need to learn to live with. What you should not tolerate are adults who are responsible for the safety and education of your children to think enforcing the dress code gives them the right to shame and disrespect children.

How do you feel about dress codes at school? Post a comment and tell me below.

Originally posted on Family Circle Momster here.

Family Circle: The Downside of Dress Codes

A few days before I started sixth grade at a private school, I went with my mother to get my uniforms. While she beamed, I remember miserably pulling the green-and-white-striped dress over my head. My mother, like many parents to this day, believed that uniforms were the answer to stopping social competition among students and contributed to an overall positive school atmosphere.

But here’s the problem: Way too often administrators and teachers enforce their school’s dress code by disrespecting and shaming their students, as with a recent incident involving a superintendent in Oklahoma. Not only is this unethical but it contributes to a school environment where the children don’t trust the adults to exercise their authority ethically. What should be a moment in the hall of “Please take off your hat” or “That skirt is a little short” becomes a humiliating power struggle where the child has no opportunity to learn whatever lesson the adult believes they are trying to teach.

Before I go on, let’s articulate the standard arguments to support school uniforms and dress codes. It is said that they:

Set a standard for students that learning environments should be given respect and prepares them for a professional environment as adults.


Contribute to students respecting themselves.


Decrease materialism and social competition.


Stop children from wearing clothes that are offensive or promote illegal or unhealthy substances like drugs and alcohol.


Contribute to school spirit and unity.

On the face of it, all these goals are entirely reasonable. Unfortunately, uniforms aren’t a magic bullet to stop “fashion show” competition between students. Kids know who has more money either because the student boasts about it (which is common) or other people talk about it. If it’s important to a student to show how rich their family is, they will figure out a way to do so, from donning $300 headphones to sporting $200 sneakers to bragging about what cars their parents have.

What’s more, no matter how great the school or how well-intentioned the rules are, a dress code and the way it is enforced can mask double standards and abuse of power. For example, the way boys and girls get in trouble for violating dress codes is different. Boys get in trouble for wearing clothes that are “disrespectful.” However they define that (sagging and baggy pants, wearing a hat inside), far too many adults start the interaction with boys by using their power as an adult to dominate them in public (by yelling at them in the hallway in front of their peers). And if the boy doesn’t immediately comply, his behavior is seen as defiant and requiring punishment. I am not excusing bad manners, but adults need to have common sense when they talk to people with adolescent brains. No one likes to be called out in public—especially teens—and when you do that, the teachable moment is lost.

In contrast, girls get in trouble more often for violating the dress code and are usually accused of presenting themselves in sexually inappropriate ways. Girls who go through puberty earlier and/or are more voluptuous are also disproportionately targeted (which also disproportionately impacts African American and Latina girls). Yes, a girl with a voluptuous body can be distracting, but that doesn’t mean the male students around her should be held to such a low standard that they aren’t expected to treat her respectfully. Teaching girls to respect themselves should focus on being proud of who they are—not shaming them for looking sexually promiscuous. This is a teachable moment about your hopes for your girl.

If your kid’s school has a dress code, it’s critical to instruct your child how to accept the responsibility they have as a member of the school community while recognizing that sometimes the way the code is applied is unfair.

Whether you have a son or a daughter, here’s what you can say:

If someone talks to you about being out of dress code, do what they say. If you feel that they have been rude to you, I still want you to do what they say but then tell me and/or tell the administrator you trust the most. But if you’re genuinely confused about why you’re out of dress code, or what you’re wearing is important to you and it’s not communicating something rude or degrading about someone else, you have the right to respectfully ask why you are in violation. If you feel strongly about this, you can research your rights about freedom of expression in school and bring that to the administration. You may not get what you want, but it’s important to know your rights and I will support that.

Here’s what you should say specifically to your daughter:

This is difficult to speak about with you, but it’s important to me that I do. Your school has a dress code. For girls, that often means not presenting yourself in a sexual manner. I want you to be proud of your body and I never want you to be ashamed of it. But way more important to me than the dress code is you. You are a smart young woman with a lot to contribute to this world. Like all young women, you’re growing up in a world that dismisses your opinions and rights by trying to convince you that the most important thing about you is your physical appearance. Obviously, you are so much more than that. I want you to be proud and comfortable with how you look. But I also want you to be proud and comfortable about who you are beyond that. So I’d like you to think about that when you get dressed for school. Can you put the clothes you like and that are within the dress code on one side of your closet and the ones that are not on the other side?

If administrators at your school are shaming girls, you need to speak out against it. Schools can have standards. They can even have standards that you disagree with but need to learn to live with. What you should not tolerate are adults who are responsible for the safety and education of your children to think enforcing the dress code gives them the right to shame and disrespect children.

How do you feel about dress codes at school? Post send a note here or comment via Facebook or Twitter.

Originally posted on Family Circle Momster here.

ADL: Rosalind Wiseman Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations // The Unspoken Messages of Dress Codes: Uncovering Bias and Power

A few days before I started sixth grade at a private school, I went with my mother to buy uniforms. While she beamed, I miserably pulled the green and white striped dress over my head. I clearly remember the looks from people when I wore that uniform in “public.” It felt like I had a sign above my head that said, “I’m rich and a snob.”

My mother, like many parents to this day, believed that uniforms were the answer to stopping social competition among students and contributing to an overall positive school atmosphere. But for the twenty years I’ve been teaching, I’ve learned that a school’s dress code is much more than what it appears. It is the articulated expectations and enforceable rules created by an educational institution to reflect what it wants to “see” in its students and how it balances safety, unity and the individual rights of its students.

Before I go on, let’s articulate the standard arguments to support school uniforms and dress codes:

Sets a standard for students that learning environments should be given respect and prepares them for a professional environment as adults.
Contributes to students’ self-respect.
Decreases materialism and social competition.
Stops children from wearing clothes that are offensive or promote illegal or unhealthy substances like drugs and alcohol.
Contributes to school spirit and unity.

On its face, all of these goals are reasonable. But clothes and appearance have always been symbols of how an individual belongs within his or her community—or their opposition to that community. And a school may have good intentions but the way dress codes are enforced can mask double standards, insensitivity and bigotry. As an educator, if your school has any kind of dress code, it’s critical to understand the code’s complexities and your responsibilities (no matter what you personally think) and to respectfully enforce it while understanding students’ overall right to be treated with dignity and to self-expression. To do this, here are my best suggestions:

Understand the role of socioeconomic class

Dress codes are often markers of a student’s socio-economic status.

Wealthier, more “traditional” schools often have dress codes that represent the privileged world they are a part of or their families aspire to attain. Middle class or more “liberal” schools have informal dress codes to increase the safe and appropriate environment of the school (how “safe” and “appropriate” are defined can be the source of misunderstanding and inequities). Many lower income schools have uniforms because it’s assumed that students come from low performing schools and they need uniforms for the students to take the learning environment seriously.

Get beyond the easy answers

Uniforms aren’t the magic bullet to stop the “fashion show” competition between students. People know who has more money relative to others, either because the student boasts about it or other people talk about it. If it’s important to students to show how much money their family has, they will figure out a way to show it—from their headphones, smart phones, computers, shoes or what cars their parents drive.

Avoid power struggles

Power struggles with students about any topic are losing situations for everyone. They also go against best educational practices. Adolescents seek out challenges, are often acutely aware of power imbalances in relationships and have intense emotional reactions to those imbalances. We can’t be shocked or take it personally when a kid shows up wearing something inappropriate. What we have to do is model how to respectfully speak to someone who challenges us.

Here are some guidelines.

Ideally communicate non-verbally. For example, if someone is wearing a hat in the hallway, catch their eye, touch your hand to your head. Smile and raise your eyebrows.

If they don’t get the hint, say, “Hey I need your help with something. Can you come over here for a moment?” Your tone is light but directive. When you have some privacy tell them specifically what they’re wearing that’s against the dress code.
If the offending clothing could be construed as a political statement, ask them about it. “I’d like to know more about the shirt and why you wanted to wear it.” Then, if the message they’re wearing could come across as degrading to others, share your opinion about its possible impact on other students.
If it’s endorsing a drug or alcohol message, ask them why they want to wear it. Share your concern that the student becomes a walking advertisement.

If you are a teacher and a student complains to you about another teacher always getting them in trouble for being out of dress code, here’s what you can say to the student.

If someone talks to you about being out of dress code, do what they say. If you feel that they have been rude to you, I still want you to do what they say but then tell me and/or tell the administrator you trust the most. But if you’re genuinely confused about why, or what you’re wearing is important to you and it’s not communicating something rude or degrading about someone else, you have the right to respectfully ask why you are in violation. If you feel strongly about this, you can research your rights about freedom of expression in schools and bring that to the administration. You may not get what you want but it’s important to know your rights and I will support that.

Understand how gender affects how the dress code is applied

The way boys and girls get in trouble for violating dress code is different and girls are disproportionately targeted for disobeying it. In addition, young people who don’t conform or challenge gender norms can also be easily targeted. The question needs to be asked: If a student does not conform to traditional gender roles in their clothing, does that truly contribute to an unsafe learning environment or is he or she exposing the intolerance of others? Whose right is more important to protect—someone’s right to be themselves that doesn’t hurt other people or other people’s bigotry?

Boys most often get in trouble for wearing clothes that are “disrespectful.” When you ask adults to give examples of what this disrespect looks like, the response is almost always, “baggy pants worn down to their knees.” Or they use the word “urban” (i.e. stereotypical black) although I’ve heard the word “ghetto” used as well—which is clearly racist. Far too many adults start the interaction with boys by using their adult power to dominate them and any resistance is seen as defiance and cause for punishment.

In contrast to boys, girls often get in trouble for presenting themselves as too sexual. Girls who go through puberty earlier and/or are more voluptuous are also disproportionately targeted. Yes, a girl with a developed body can be distracting but that doesn’t mean the students around her should be held to such a low standard that they aren’t expected to treat her respectfully. Adult reaction to these girls can be extremely counterproductive if they think shaming the girls for being “slutty”* is the appropriate response. Further, it contributes to the dynamic where adults teach girls and boys that girls are responsible and therefore to be blamed if others say and do sexually degrading things to them. It’s a mixed message and a missed educational opportunity to not acknowledge and educate girls and boys about the constant hyper-sexualized messages girls receive and how that influences what they choose to wear.

No matter what you do in a school or who you are (I believe men can and should have these conversations), here’s a suggested script to speak with girls:

This is difficult to speak about with you but it’s important to me that I do. You are getting into trouble for violating the dress code and we have to address that. But way more important to me than the dress code is you. You are a smart young woman with a lot to contribute to this world. Like all young women, you’re growing up in a world that dismisses your opinions and rights by trying to convince you that the most important thing about you is your physical appearance.  Obviously, you are so much more than that. I want you to be proud and comfortable with how you look. But I also want you to be proud and comfortable about who you are beyond that. Can you think about what is most important in how you want to present yourself?  Can you put your clothes that you like and that are within the dress code on one side of the closet and your other clothes on the other side?

Creating a positive environment

As a teacher or school administrator, I know that one of your priorities is to set up a positive environment in which young people can and want to learn. It is not in anyone’s best interest to make students feel uncomfortable, angry, awkward or ashamed of who they are. My advice is to be clear about what your dress code is, why the rules are in place and have a thoughful justification for them. Then communicate that to students with precision, strength and a well-articulated rationale. Be consistent in your approach. And when the dress code is violated, be kind, accepting and make sure students understand why. They may not agree but they will feel respected and hopefully that respect will be returned.

*Note that while this word is used frequently, it highlights the inherent bias in labeling women’s sexual identity.

Originally posted at ADL.org here.

ADL: Rosalind Wiseman Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations – The Unspoken Messages of Dress Codes: Uncovering Bias and Power

A few days before I started sixth grade at a private school, I went with my mother to buy uniforms. While she beamed, I miserably pulled the green and white striped dress over my head. I clearly remember the looks from people when I wore that uniform in “public.” It felt like I had a sign above my head that said, “I’m rich and a snob.”

My mother, like many parents to this day, believed that uniforms were the answer to stopping social competition among students and contributing to an overall positive school atmosphere. But for the twenty years I’ve been teaching, I’ve learned that a school’s dress code is much more than what it appears. It is the articulated expectations and enforceable rules created by an educational institution to reflect what it wants to “see” in its students and how it balances safety, unity and the individual rights of its students.

Before I go on, let’s articulate the standard arguments to support school uniforms and dress codes:

Sets a standard for students that learning environments should be given respect and prepares them for a professional environment as adults.
Contributes to students’ self-respect.
Decreases materialism and social competition.
Stops children from wearing clothes that are offensive or promote illegal or unhealthy substances like drugs and alcohol.
Contributes to school spirit and unity.

On its face, all of these goals are reasonable. But clothes and appearance have always been symbols of how an individual belongs within his or her community—or their opposition to that community. And a school may have good intentions but the way dress codes are enforced can mask double standards, insensitivity and bigotry. As an educator, if your school has any kind of dress code, it’s critical to understand the code’s complexities and your responsibilities (no matter what you personally think) and to respectfully enforce it while understanding students’ overall right to be treated with dignity and to self-expression. To do this, here are my best suggestions:

Understand the role of socioeconomic class

Dress codes are often markers of a student’s socio-economic status.

Wealthier, more “traditional” schools often have dress codes that represent the privileged world they are a part of or their families aspire to attain. Middle class or more “liberal” schools have informal dress codes to increase the safe and appropriate environment of the school (how “safe” and “appropriate” are defined can be the source of misunderstanding and inequities). Many lower income schools have uniforms because it’s assumed that students come from low performing schools and they need uniforms for the students to take the learning environment seriously.

Get beyond the easy answers

Uniforms aren’t the magic bullet to stop the “fashion show” competition between students. People know who has more money relative to others, either because the student boasts about it or other people talk about it. If it’s important to students to show how much money their family has, they will figure out a way to show it—from their headphones, smart phones, computers, shoes or what cars their parents drive.

Avoid power struggles

Power struggles with students about any topic are losing situations for everyone. They also go against best educational practices. Adolescents seek out challenges, are often acutely aware of power imbalances in relationships and have intense emotional reactions to those imbalances. We can’t be shocked or take it personally when a kid shows up wearing something inappropriate. What we have to do is model how to respectfully speak to someone who challenges us.

Here are some guidelines.

Ideally communicate non-verbally. For example, if someone is wearing a hat in the hallway, catch their eye, touch your hand to your head. Smile and raise your eyebrows.

If they don’t get the hint, say, “Hey I need your help with something. Can you come over here for a moment?” Your tone is light but directive. When you have some privacy tell them specifically what they’re wearing that’s against the dress code.
If the offending clothing could be construed as a political statement, ask them about it. “I’d like to know more about the shirt and why you wanted to wear it.” Then, if the message they’re wearing could come across as degrading to others, share your opinion about its possible impact on other students.
If it’s endorsing a drug or alcohol message, ask them why they want to wear it. Share your concern that the student becomes a walking advertisement.

If you are a teacher and a student complains to you about another teacher always getting them in trouble for being out of dress code, here’s what you can say to the student.

If someone talks to you about being out of dress code, do what they say. If you feel that they have been rude to you, I still want you to do what they say but then tell me and/or tell the administrator you trust the most. But if you’re genuinely confused about why, or what you’re wearing is important to you and it’s not communicating something rude or degrading about someone else, you have the right to respectfully ask why you are in violation. If you feel strongly about this, you can research your rights about freedom of expression in schools and bring that to the administration. You may not get what you want but it’s important to know your rights and I will support that.

Understand how gender affects how the dress code is applied

The way boys and girls get in trouble for violating dress code is different and girls are disproportionately targeted for disobeying it. In addition, young people who don’t conform or challenge gender norms can also be easily targeted. The question needs to be asked: If a student does not conform to traditional gender roles in their clothing, does that truly contribute to an unsafe learning environment or is he or she exposing the intolerance of others? Whose right is more important to protect—someone’s right to be themselves that doesn’t hurt other people or other people’s bigotry?

Boys most often get in trouble for wearing clothes that are “disrespectful.” When you ask adults to give examples of what this disrespect looks like, the response is almost always, “baggy pants worn down to their knees.” Or they use the word “urban” (i.e. stereotypical black) although I’ve heard the word “ghetto” used as well—which is clearly racist. Far too many adults start the interaction with boys by using their adult power to dominate them and any resistance is seen as defiance and cause for punishment.

In contrast to boys, girls often get in trouble for presenting themselves as too sexual. Girls who go through puberty earlier and/or are more voluptuous are also disproportionately targeted. Yes, a girl with a developed body can be distracting but that doesn’t mean the students around her should be held to such a low standard that they aren’t expected to treat her respectfully. Adult reaction to these girls can be extremely counterproductive if they think shaming the girls for being “slutty”* is the appropriate response. Further, it contributes to the dynamic where adults teach girls and boys that girls are responsible and therefore to be blamed if others say and do sexually degrading things to them. It’s a mixed message and a missed educational opportunity to not acknowledge and educate girls and boys about the constant hyper-sexualized messages girls receive and how that influences what they choose to wear.

No matter what you do in a school or who you are (I believe men can and should have these conversations), here’s a suggested script to speak with girls:

This is difficult to speak about with you but it’s important to me that I do. You are getting into trouble for violating the dress code and we have to address that. But way more important to me than the dress code is you. You are a smart young woman with a lot to contribute to this world. Like all young women, you’re growing up in a world that dismisses your opinions and rights by trying to convince you that the most important thing about you is your physical appearance.  Obviously, you are so much more than that. I want you to be proud and comfortable with how you look. But I also want you to be proud and comfortable about who you are beyond that. Can you think about what is most important in how you want to present yourself?  Can you put your clothes that you like and that are within the dress code on one side of the closet and your other clothes on the other side?

Creating a positive environment

As a teacher or school administrator, I know that one of your priorities is to set up a positive environment in which young people can and want to learn. It is not in anyone’s best interest to make students feel uncomfortable, angry, awkward or ashamed of who they are. My advice is to be clear about what your dress code is, why the rules are in place and have a thoughful justification for them. Then communicate that to students with precision, strength and a well-articulated rationale. Be consistent in your approach. And when the dress code is violated, be kind, accepting and make sure students understand why. They may not agree but they will feel respected and hopefully that respect will be returned.

*Note that while this word is used frequently, it highlights the inherent bias in labeling women’s sexual identity.

Originally posted at ADL.org here.

Family Circle: Talking to Your Kids About Michael Brown

As it is for many moms, early mornings are my favorite time of day. It’s peaceful, and the only time I can think quietly without interruption. A few days ago, as the sun rose, I sat with a cup of tea and couldn’t stop thinking aboutMichael Brown’s mother. She would bury her son on this day. The same day I was getting my boys ready for their first day of school. As I stared at my tea all I could think of was how to talk to my boys about the funeral, how another unarmed young man of color was killed by a police officer, and about the photos of heavily armed police pointing automatic weapons at and using tear gas on protesters, and how a member of that police department boasted at a public speech about killing minorities.

As a white mother with teen sons, living in Boulder, Colorado, I am far away from Ferguson, Missouri, in many ways. Boulder is a lovely place to live. As in many towns like it, people here pride themselves on being “progressive” and would never see themselves as supporting racial discrimination. But there are very few people of color living in Boulder. Yet they are here and, not surprisingly, my children have reported the often ignorant, and sometimes malicious, racist comments their white classmates make about African Americans and Mexicans.

Last year one of my sons told me that there was a group of wealthy white boys at his school taunting Hispanic students, calling them “beaners.” I told him I wanted him to say something to those white kids. He didn’t want to. The next time it happened, I talked to him about the relative privilege he has at that school because he is an athlete. I also wanted him to realize, if it was hard for him to speak up, how much more difficult it may be for someone with less social power. My son is starting eighth grade. I have no doubt there will be many opportunities for him to practice speaking out, and I hope one day he does.

Teaching your children to speak out against bigotry is an ongoing process. We can’t just tell them from time to time, “Racism is wrong.” Or, “All people are equal regardless of the color of their skin.” It is about knowing that no community is immune from racism and bigotry—including mine and yours. It is knowing that it’s common that “nice” kids make racist jokes and comments. It is knowing that your own children can make hurtful comments about other people or stay silent when someone else does. We have a responsibility to teach our children to effectively and unflinchingly realize that they have an obligation to make the world a more just place for all, and then give them the skills to make it happen.

Boulder isn’t unique. My consistent experience working throughout the country is that self-identified progressive communities believe they are above the racism they see, read and hear about in the media. The vast majority of parents within these communities can’t imagine their children degrading their peers because of the color of their skin. They can’t imagine their child making a racist or sexist  joke. They’ve told their children that racism is wrong, so there’s nothing more to say.

But there’s a lot more to say. Many white parents I’ve talked to don’t want to bring up something so unpleasant and ugly with their kids. Here’s the deal: It is ugly. It is unjust. But race privilege means you have the choice to avoid it. African American, Hispanic and other minority parents don’t have that choice. It’s our responsibility to take care of one another. And that means taking the blinders off.

Being a parent means educating your children and having hard conversations with them about how messed up the world is. It’s about allowing them to get upset about it, angry about it and then challenging them to make it better. It’s about reading and watching with your child the reports coming out of Ferguson, going back to the reports about Trayvon Martin, printing out and reading what people are saying about these issues (Ta-Nehisi Coates has been my go-to writer this year).

We need our children to understand that the democracy they study in school is messy. It has an ugly history of how it has treated many minorities in this country and that legacy profoundly affects all of us to this day. If we don’t educate our kids, we sentence them to ignorance and not developing the skills and courage to stand by their peers for the collective and individual dignity of all. So sit down and watch Michael’s funeral service with your teens. Ask your child what it feels like to bear witness to this community’s anger and grief. Just be still for a moment and then vow to do something to make it better.

Originally posted on Family Circle Momster