Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 29

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations // Stop Tearing Your Hair Out: What To Do When Bullying Interventions Don’t Work

The question I’m tackling this month is what to do when bullying interventions don’t work. As in you’ve tried everything and the aggressors are still being mean or bullying the target.

One of the more difficult situations I experienced involved three eighth grade girls who relentlessly bullied another girl in my class. To make it worse, they were hard to “catch.” On the rare times I saw what they did, they denied it or accused the target of being too sensitive. The girls were also really skilled at getting the target to react and disrupt the class. (By the way, that same year I taught a group of eleventh grade boys with almost the same dynamics and it took me a lot of trial and error to change things for the better with them too. That year, there were many times I left the classroom not sure I ever wanted to teach again.)

When I’m faced with a situation like this, I remember a few things:

I’m not a horrible and incompetent teacher. I’m trying my best in a difficult situation.
I care about my students and I have the will and capacity to figure out a solution.
I’m allowed to be frustrated by this situation because it is frustrating.
I’m not allowed to let my emotions control my actions.
I’m allowed to acknowledge to myself that at this moment I don’t like teaching this particular student(s) very much.
A teacher usually sees the reaction not the behavior that “started it.”

Let’s use my eighth grade girls as an example. In that class, I wouldn’t always witness what the girls were doing, so sometimes I would get annoyed at the target. But what that usually means is that the student(s) who initiated the aggression are better at getting away with what they’re doing so the only thing you see is the reaction. I had to look beyond what was most easy to notice.

One of the mistakes I made with them is creating rules when I was frustrated and angry. For example, out of total exasperation I moved the “mean girls” away from each other. But I didn’t do it strategically. I should have thought about where I was moving those girls—not just away from each other because the girls can still look across the room and intimidate their target. One of my better strategies has been to move the most powerful student closest to me, away from any of her “assistants” and place the target near a student that everyone genuinely respects.

TAKE A STEP BACK

Let’s look at what to do when you get to a place where you say to yourself “I’ve tried everything,” You have to take a step back. In my experience that phrase means that you have gotten to a place where it’s very hard to reflect thoughtfully or creatively and come up with new ideas. Try the following exercises to look at your situation from a different perspective:

Write down a few sentences that clearly define what you want to change between these students.
Observe the group when they aren’t your responsibility. Watch them before school, at lunch or ask another teacher who has these students if you can observe their class.
Ask a colleague to sit in the class while you teach. They can sit in the back of the room and bring their own work; you have a second pair of eyes and ears to pick up what you’re missing. Then, debrief after class and try to come up with a strategy together. And get over any feeling of failure or embarrassment that you’re asking for help or admitting that things aren’t going great in your class. It happens to everyone. If a colleague says it’s never happened to them, they’re deluding themselves.

INVENTORY WHAT YOU KNOW

After these steps, inventory what you know. Write down exactly what you mean by “I’ve tried everything.” The following questions are some of the ones I ask myself:

What was my reasoning for implementing the strategy I chose?
When did I implement this strategy? Not only the date but what was happening in the school?
What was happening in my classroom that week?
Did I respond emotionally (out of fear, frustration, etc.) rather than a strategic decision?
What are the students doing right before they come to my classroom? For example, if they are coming back from lunch or recess something could have occurred then that impacts the students’ behavior in my class.

Write down specifically, with as much detail as you can remember, what you mean by, “I tried everything.” When you’re done, take a walk around the block or the school, somewhere so your brain can think creatively. Come back and try to write down three insights about why you think your previous strategies haven’t been effective and what you can do to address those obstacles.

TALK WITH THE STUDENTS WHO ARE ENGAGING IN BULLYING

When you’ve done your inventory and observed the students, schedule a time to meet with the aggressors (one at a time) and then say in your own words:

“I really want you in my class because [insert something positive about the student here]…but    what’s going on with you and x student isn’t acceptable to me because… Just like I would defend your right to be in my classroom and be treated with dignity, I will do the same for this student. Is there anything I should know about this situation that would help me understand what’s going on? (Whatever the response it doesn’t justify the behavior but any background/more information is helpful.) More than getting you in trouble, I am asking for your agreement that you understand why it’s important to stop undermining this student. I want you in this class. Do you think you can do this?   

Just so there’s no surprises, although I believe you get what I’m saying and you’re taking it seriously, if this doesn’t change, here’s what could happen as a result…[insert next level of discipline here] I don’t want that to happen but if this continues, you’re giving me no choice. Thanks for meeting with me.”

The bottom line is there isn’t going to be one solution for this problem and it’s probably going to take time. And you probably won’t have one “aha” moment with the students where they permanently change their behavior. But if you reflect on how you’re responding to the dynamics between the students and then take the time to really “see” what’s going on between them, you will figure out how to be more effective.

It is messy. It doesn’t feel great in the moment. But it’s way better than doing something superficial and tricking yourself into thinking you’re addressing the problem when you aren’t. And of course, the weird and wonderful thing about teaching is that it’s moments like these where you can build strong relationships with the most challenging students.

Originally posted on ADL Classroom Conversations.

Rosalind on “Kids in the House”

Check out Rosalind’s collection of videos created for Kids in the House, the website with advice from over 350 experts and parents issues from conception to college and beyond.

Rosalind has over thirty-four videos on Kids In the House where she answers people’s most common questions about kids and teens on friendships, bullying, communication and so much more.

Response to TIME Article

 

Hi Everyone,

In a recent opinion piece I wrote for TIME magazine, I shared information from a survey I conducted with my colleagues Charlie Kuhn and Ashly Burch. There are some in the gaming community who have questioned how the survey was implemented and our results so we wanted to describe our process here.

We stated at the Game Developers Conference (GDC) and in the TIME article that this survey was exploratory or a “convenience” sample that was meant to generate conversations and encourage others in the field to continue this research in more thorough ways. We have never claimed that this is a rigorous academic survey, nor that it should be treated as such. As our colleague, Justin Patchin, co-director of the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire’s Cyberbullying Research Center stated in the Polygon article about our talk:

Nevertheless, Patchin says that this kind of research has to start somewhere. His own work on cyberbullying began with the same kind of convenience samples that Wiseman has collected information from.

“From my understanding, she found some pretty interesting findings,” Patchin said. “So now, of course, the next step is to replicate that and do another test in another school. Maybe 100 researchers can take questions and administer them in other populations and see if they hold up. That’s the scientific process.”

Link to the polygon article – here.

We were and are not pushing an agenda beyond giving young people a voice–to have their experiences and their opinions valued and represented.

We did this survey because we were curious about how boys and girls perceived female characters in games and we wanted to know what kinds of games girls were playing. Furthermore, for the last three years Wiseman and Kuhn have focused their work to teach educators to see how it can be an important tool to reach out to students.

Wiseman reached out through Twitter and Facebook because that’s where her colleagues in the educational field most easily interact with her. Burch, Kuhn and Wiseman reached out on Twitter to inform and encourage participation. It was a risk we took and we understood that people could look at this and dismiss the results. However, the majority of our responses came from schools and were verified by teachers and principals who told us when they were administering the survey to their students.

But what’s more important to us is that we all look at the larger issue that this survey represents: how do kids and teens perceive, play, and care about games as they pertain to representations of gender?

Our hope, again, was that other more formal surveys would spring from this one and we are in conversation with researchers at major universities to include questions related to our line of inquiry in their upcoming surveys.

We work with thousands of young people around the country and have done so for years. We welcome dialogue and discussion.

Thank you Charlie, Ashly, and Rosalind

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversation // Do No Harm: How to Intervene Without Making it Worse

For this edition of Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations, I asked ADL education staff across the country what issues they were hearing about from teachers and students to address in my next essay. Not surprisingly, I received many thought provoking questions. The subject I chose for this article is a topic I have struggled with myself:  When you see a young person mistreated by their peers, how do you intervene without making things worse for the target?

What’s great about this question is it shows how the educator realizes that the way they interact with the group impacts the target’s ability to advocate (or not) for themselves.

Here’s what I believe we always need to keep in mind. No matter what we teach, our credibility and effectiveness as educators is based on authentic, meaningful, respectful engagement with each and every student. It’s easy to say but in practice, it can be difficult to accomplish.

Let’s admit that some of our students can be personally very challenging. For example, have you had a student that got on your last nerve because they were really good at being mean and negative to other students but refused to take ownership for their actions? Have you ever been frustrated with a young person because they kept going back to the same kids who treated them like dirt or covered up for them?

We are going to have feelings about the cruel social dynamics that can occur between our students. And those feelings are a gift and a liability. A gift when they fuel our passion to uphold our students’ dignity and motivate us to self-reflect about our own effectiveness. Or, a liability if our emotions blind us from seeing how we may make the problem worse. We have a responsibility to intervene appropriately and effectively. But, specifically, how do we do that?

We have to dig deep and get honest with ourselves. How did we grow up learning to speak truth to power? How did we learn to intervene in a conflict between people? Almost all of us learned to respond to aggression and anger in three ways: avoid, attack or acquiesce. These three responses have the potential to control our relationships in every aspect of our lives including family, friends, intimate partners and work colleagues.

None of these responses are responsible or effective ways to intervene when we see people ridicule or dehumanize each other. Let’s call it our “conflict baggage” and examine how it can affect our interactions with young people (and keep in the back of our mind how this same baggage also affects our ability to face conflicts with our school colleagues).

For example, do you describe yourself as someone who just doesn’t like conflict? That would be the avoid strategy. But what this means is as educators, we would be more likely to convince ourselves to not intervene in situations where we should. In the eyes of our students, we easily look like we are too scared to face the problem or condone abusive behavior.

If our strategy is to acquiesce, we intervene without projecting authority or we are vulnerable to debating with socially aggressive or verbal students and losing.

If our strategy is to attack, we can come across as “rescuing” the target and going after the aggressors. Our intent may be to make the aggressors know what it feels like to be ridiculed or embarrassed so we say something that cuts them down. We may feel in that moment that we have dispensed justice but what we really have done is continue the cycle: using domination to attack the aggressors and taking away any power the target has to advocate on their own behalf.

So here’s what we shouldn’t do:

We can’t ask the target in front of others if the other kids are “bothering him or her” or any other question that asks the target how they feel about what the other kids are doing to them. If we do, we reinforce the power dynamic between students. We put the target in the position to say the other kids are playing with her/him and they don’t care. This makes it much more difficult for the child to say anything different later—to you or their peers.
We can’t say anything sarcastic, condescending or bullying to the aggressors like, “Wow, now do you feel good about yourself?” Even if the aggressors stop their behavior in the moment, they’ll go right back to what they were doing the moment the adult turns away. Why? Because we used the same strategy (i.e. ridicule) to silence them as they used to silence the target.
We can’t say, “That’s enough” because that communicates that you’re ok with some part of what’s happening. As I have said in Making It Meaningful: Interrupting Biased Comments in the Classroom, it’s a tacit acceptance of what is happening
We can’t say, “How would you feel if that happened to you?” Of course, the purpose here is to teach empathy but that statement is constantly dismissed by people who are abusing their power. It goes right up there with “make healthy choices.” These are sound bites young people ridicule as “adult speak.”

Here’s what we can do:

We need to manage ourselves as we approach the group. That means being aware of any triggers we have and then putting them aside to talk about later with a professional mentor or friend.
We look at everyone in the group and succinctly identify the problem. Succinct means we don’t repeat ourselves, we don’t lecture and whatever we say shouldn’t last more than a few sentences. We are not there to get into a debate with the students. Then, make a “values declaration” statement that communicates every student’s dignity and why we think their behavior is in contradiction to that value.

Here’s an example of an exchange:

You: “Hey, just overheard you calling Jennifer a slut. We don’t do that here.” 

Two girls in the group roll their eyes and one says, “Ok but we don’t mean anything by it.”

You: “I expect you all to hold yourselves to a higher standard than using tired words that put girls down. You all have to get to class now but if you want to talk to me later, I’m totally up for doing that. Does that make sense?”

Girls: “Yes, fine.” 

You: “Great. And remember I’m here if you want to continue having the conversation.”

Possible counters that can get you off course:

If any of the aggressors say the target doesn’t mind what they’re doing or asks the target if it bothers them, say “If you want to tell me why you think what you’re doing is acceptable, then schedule a time with me. Right now, what you need to understand is that calling anyone “gay” (or insert other derogatory comment/joke/ behavior) is unacceptable. And I’m not going to have the target answer anything right now because I’m not going to put them in the possible situation of having to choose between admitting what they really feel and coming across as disloyal to you. I’m not saying that’s happening but it’s a possibility. So…just so we are clear, please tell me what you’re hearing me say.”

After the student responds, thank them and then direct them to where they need to go.

We can and should approach the target later for a check in. When their peers aren’t around, say the following:

“Maybe what they’re doing to you is happening a lot but just because it seems normal doesn’t make it right.”
“Even if it doesn’t bother you now, you can always change your mind. Real friends accept your right to say they have gone over your personal line.”
“You can always talk to me. Obviously that’s your choice but I’m here.”

For any of this to work, the scripts I suggest here are just that: suggestions. To make this work for you, make these words your own. And that means you really should take some time and write down responses that are authentic to you. Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of a really stressful situation. If you do, you’re that much more likely to let your emotions dominate your response.

You are going to see conflict, mean behavior and bullying and will need to address it. The quicker you learn that you have the ability to manage yourself, speak effectively and maintain everyone’s dignity in the moment, the better off everyone’s going to be.

Originally Posted on ADL’s Classroom Conversations

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversation // Do No Harm: How to Intervene Without Making it Worse

For this edition of Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations, I asked ADL education staff across the country what issues they were hearing about from teachers and students to address in my next essay. Not surprisingly, I received many thought provoking questions. The subject I chose for this article is a topic I have struggled with myself:  When you see a young person mistreated by their peers, how do you intervene without making things worse for the target?

What’s great about this question is it shows how the educator realizes that the way they interact with the group impacts the target’s ability to advocate (or not) for themselves.

Here’s what I believe we always need to keep in mind. No matter what we teach, our credibility and effectiveness as educators is based on authentic, meaningful, respectful engagement with each and every student. It’s easy to say but in practice, it can be difficult to accomplish.

Let’s admit that some of our students can be personally very challenging. For example, have you had a student that got on your last nerve because they were really good at being mean and negative to other students but refused to take ownership for their actions? Have you ever been frustrated with a young person because they kept going back to the same kids who treated them like dirt or covered up for them?

We are going to have feelings about the cruel social dynamics that can occur between our students. And those feelings are a gift and a liability. A gift when they fuel our passion to uphold our students’ dignity and motivate us to self-reflect about our own effectiveness. Or, a liability if our emotions blind us from seeing how we may make the problem worse. We have a responsibility to intervene appropriately and effectively. But, specifically, how do we do that?

We have to dig deep and get honest with ourselves. How did we grow up learning to speak truth to power? How did we learn to intervene in a conflict between people? Almost all of us learned to respond to aggression and anger in three ways: avoid, attack or acquiesce. These three responses have the potential to control our relationships in every aspect of our lives including family, friends, intimate partners and work colleagues.

None of these responses are responsible or effective ways to intervene when we see people ridicule or dehumanize each other. Let’s call it our “conflict baggage” and examine how it can affect our interactions with young people (and keep in the back of our mind how this same baggage also affects our ability to face conflicts with our school colleagues).

For example, do you describe yourself as someone who just doesn’t like conflict? That would be the avoid strategy. But what this means is as educators, we would be more likely to convince ourselves to not intervene in situations where we should. In the eyes of our students, we easily look like we are too scared to face the problem or condone abusive behavior.

If our strategy is to acquiesce, we intervene without projecting authority or we are vulnerable to debating with socially aggressive or verbal students and losing.

If our strategy is to attack, we can come across as “rescuing” the target and going after the aggressors. Our intent may be to make the aggressors know what it feels like to be ridiculed or embarrassed so we say something that cuts them down. We may feel in that moment that we have dispensed justice but what we really have done is continue the cycle: using domination to attack the aggressors and taking away any power the target has to advocate on their own behalf.

So here’s what we shouldn’t do:

We can’t ask the target in front of others if the other kids are “bothering him or her” or any other question that asks the target how they feel about what the other kids are doing to them. If we do, we reinforce the power dynamic between students. We put the target in the position to say the other kids are playing with her/him and they don’t care. This makes it much more difficult for the child to say anything different later—to you or their peers.

We can’t ask the target in front of others if the other kids are “bothering him or her” or any other question that asks the target how they feel about what the other kids are doing to them. If we do, we reinforce the power dynamic between students. We put the target in the position to say the other kids are playing with her/him and they don’t care. This makes it much more difficult for the child to say anything different later—to you or their peers.

We can’t say anything sarcastic, condescending or bullying to the aggressors like, “Wow, now do you feel good about yourself?” Even if the aggressors stop their behavior in the moment, they’ll go right back to what they were doing the moment the adult turns away. Why? Because we used the same strategy (i.e. ridicule) to silence them as they used to silence the target.
We can’t say, “That’s enough” because that communicates that you’re ok with some part of what’s happening. As I have said in Making It Meaningful: Interrupting Biased Comments in the Classroom, it’s a tacit acceptance of what is happening
We can’t say, “How would you feel if that happened to you?” Of course, the purpose here is to teach empathy but that statement is constantly dismissed by people who are abusing their power. It goes right up there with “make healthy choices.” These are sound bites young people ridicule as “adult speak.”

Here’s what we can do:

We need to manage ourselves as we approach the group. That means being aware of any triggers we have and then putting them aside to talk about later with a professional mentor or friend.
We look at everyone in the group and succinctly identify the problem. Succinct means we don’t repeat ourselves, we don’t lecture and whatever we say shouldn’t last more than a few sentences. We are not there to get into a debate with the students. Then, make a “values declaration” statement that communicates every student’s dignity and why we think their behavior is in contradiction to that value.

Here’s an example of an exchange:

You: “Hey, just overheard you calling Jennifer a slut. We don’t do that here.”

Two girls in the group roll their eyes and one says, “Ok but we don’t mean anything by it.”

You: “I expect you all to hold yourselves to a higher standard than using tired words that put girls down. You all have to get to class now but if you want to talk to me later, I’m totally up for doing that. Does that make sense?”

Girls: “Yes, fine.”

You: “Great. And remember I’m here if you want to continue having the conversation.”

Possible counters that can get you off course:

If any of the aggressors say the target doesn’t mind what they’re doing or asks the target if it bothers them, say “If you want to tell me why you think what you’re doing is acceptable, then schedule a time with me. Right now, what you need to understand is that calling anyone “gay” (or insert other derogatory comment/joke/ behavior) is unacceptable. And I’m not going to have the target answer anything right now because I’m not going to put them in the possible situation of having to choose between admitting what they really feel and coming across as disloyal to you. I’m not saying that’s happening but it’s a possibility. So…just so we are clear, please tell me what you’re hearing me say.”

After the student responds, thank them and then direct them to where they need to go.

We can and should approach the target later for a check in. When their peers aren’t around, say the following:

“Maybe what they’re doing to you is happening a lot but just because it seems normal doesn’t make it right.”

“Even if it doesn’t bother you now, you can always change your mind. Real friends accept your right to say they have gone over your personal line.”

“You can always talk to me. Obviously that’s your choice but I’m here.”

For any of this to work, the scripts I suggest here are just that: suggestions. To make this work for you, make these words your own. And that means you really should take some time and write down responses that are authentic to you. Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of a really stressful situation. If you do, you’re that much more likely to let your emotions dominate your response.

You are going to see conflict, mean behavior and bullying and will need to address it. The quicker you learn that you have the ability to manage yourself, speak effectively and maintain everyone’s dignity in the moment, the better off everyone’s going to be.

 

Originally Posted on ADL’s Classroom Conversations

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversation // Obedience, Pledges and the Real Work of Building Credibility

How do we get young people to take ownership of what they do that contributes to someone else’s humiliation, social exclusion or dehumanization? How do we create a learning environment that allows for self-reflection and honest discussion? And, even more difficult, how do we do that in school environments that don’t support respectful relationships between teachers and students or have superficial anti-bullying programs that few students take seriously?

 

I have struggled with these challenges throughout my teaching career. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t think about where and how I need to improve my credibility with students. It’s unpleasant to admit, but it’s easy to look irrelevant in young people’s eyes. Even under the best of circumstances, it’s still likely after our class for a student to trash someone or ridicule what was discussed.

 

As much as I may not enjoy teaching in these moments, it forces me to self-reflect and improve my teaching approach. What follows are two modifications to lesson plans where I commonly get stuck with my students. They are distinct hurdles that have motivated me to go beyond the surface and dig deeper.

 

PLEDGES

Many schools ask students to sign a pledge to stop gossiping or bullying. Many kids sign those pledges but then forget about them as soon as they walk down the hall to their next class. It is assumed by adults that because the students signed the pledge that the gossiping or bullying will stop. Let’s take a step back. What happens when a student sees another student who just signed that pledge maliciously or even thoughtlessly backstabs someone? That pledge immediately becomes another ridiculed bullying prevention effort.

 

Taking a pledge should never be a one-time event; it should be a self-reflective process to measure your actions against what you believe your values to be.

 

With my middle school classes, I have started a new approach. I have the students come up with all the things they pledge they will do. Up on the board goes, “No backstabbing,” No gossiping,” and “Be friends with everyone.” Then I ask how long they think they can uphold their pledge. For the rest of their lives? For a month? For a week? For two hours after school?

 

Just having the conversation about how long they can realistically stick to their pledge is important because it is an opportunity to ask students why it would be so hard to stop gossiping. It gives you the opportunity to talk about venting versus gossiping that I described in my previous blog post. What would we talk to our friends about if we weren’t talking about other people? Why are we bonding over trashing someone else? These discussions should have some depth and traction to get beyond superficial responses.

 

At the next class, I bring back the pledges so everyone can see their names and then I ask: Did everyone stick to the pledge the entire time? Did you forget? Did you remember later? If you did, how did it feel to remember? If you went back on your pledge, do you want to recommit to it? Do you want to change it in some way?

 

It is the “real” discussion that’s meaningful and encourages ownership of behavior that is necessary to change.

 

THINKING FOR YOURSELF VS. “OBEDIENCE”

Obedience is commonly used to describe a relationship between people where there’s a power imbalance like a boss and their supervisee or a child and an adult. We don’t usually use the word “obedience” to describe a relationship between young people but the dynamics of obedience work in similar ways no matter who is involved. If you are afraid to challenge someone because they have social power or authority over you, you will obey them. You may defer to them, you may look like you accept or agree with what’s happening or what’s being said but your actions really reflect that you don’t have a choice.

 

Included in one’s cultural background is one’s relationship with authority and respect for authority. Many of our students come from different cultures—cultures within the United States or outside the country that have a strong value placed on obedience, i.e. respecting or following the authority of their elders.

 

I often ask my students if they are allowed to respectfully and openly disagree with adults or if disagreeing is perceived as defiant. That discussion is eye-opening to many students and worth having even if you don’t talk about anything else. What I’ve seen is students’ assumptions about each other are often challenged and they reveal themselves to each other in ways that rarely happens.

 

We don’t want to be disrespectful to anyone’s family background or culture. But teaching critical thinking skills—which is an explicit goal of most educational institutions—are by its nature an act of disobedience. The person is challenging the “truth” presented to them.

 

Start the discussion with defining these three terms:

 

Obedience: the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance.

 

Civil disobedience: the refusal to obey certain laws or governmental demands for the purpose of influencing legislation or government policy, characterized by the employment of such nonviolent techniques as boycotting, picketing, and nonpayment of taxes.

 

Culture norms: Cultural norms are behavior patterns that are typical of specific groups. Such behaviors are learned from parents, teachers, peers, and many others whose values, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors take place in the context of their own organizational culture.

 

Here are some of the questions I use to engage students in this discussion. Note that it is important to remind students who don’t believe there’s anything wrong with the social structure to be respectful of the other point of view. That belief in the system can sometimes silence others’ dissent and disagreement, the very issues you are talking about.

 

Is it ever appropriate to challenge people with authority?

 

A family member?
A teacher, coach, administrator?
A peer?
What is the difference between disrespect and disagreement? Is it disrespectful to disagree with someone who has more authority than you?

 

Then I explain to students that we are going to continue that line of thought by identifying and discussing “obedience” in the following situations and brainstorm what they might do in that situation:

 

Teacher/coach to student: Not saying anything when the teacher has treated you or another student in a way that feels disrespectful or demeaning.
Student to student in the classroom: Students do not contribute to class because the culture of the class discourages responses or students don’t say anything when peers criticize, ridicule, gossip about others.
Teammate to teammate: Playing on a team where ridiculing other players is a normal part of the team’s culture.

 

Then we can ask students:

 

How are any of these examples a form of cultural obedience?
How are any of these examples a form of cultural norms?
How does this affect the individuals and/or the team or group?

 

When you’re having these discussions, it may also be useful to ask students to share examples of how societal change happens, reminding them that much of the progress in our country’s history came about because people questioned authority and were not “obedient” (e.g. from slavery to the civil rights movement to the recent opt-out movement around high stakes testing and protests of police practices by young people throughout the country).

 

There are no “formal” rules about being mean or dehumanizing each other but it can happen between groups and within groups. Is it a form of civil disobedience to disagree when someone else is being criticized or put down?

 

How do following cultural norms strengthen our community and how does it weaken our community? And does challenging these norms ever bring people together?

 

Doing this kind of work is hard–as in really hard. Instead of looking at a sea of faces that appreciate you, you get accusations of irrelevance from the young people in positions of power and downcast eyes from the children who are marginalized or alienated. This dynamic will always happen when you try to reframe issues for a group where those power dynamics control people’s interactions. We have no hope of affecting people’s mindsets and behavior unless we challenge their own systems of social control and privilege that silences dissent within their own social contexts.

 

But what happens when we successfully challenge our students to confront these issues honestly and thoughtfully? Our students not only go through the process of internalizing what these issues mean to them but then realize how to transform their lives and the lives of others around them for the better.

 

Originally posted on ADL’s Classroom Conversation

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversation // Obedience, Pledges and the Real Work of Building Credibility

How do we get young people to take ownership of what they do that contributes to someone else’s humiliation, social exclusion or dehumanization? How do we create a learning environment that allows for self-reflection and honest discussion? And, even more difficult, how do we do that in school environments that don’t support respectful relationships between teachers and students or have superficial anti-bullying programs that few students take seriously?

I have struggled with these challenges throughout my teaching career. There isn’t a week that goes by that I don’t think about where and how I need to improve my credibility with students. It’s unpleasant to admit, but it’s easy to look irrelevant in young people’s eyes. Even under the best of circumstances, it’s still likely after our class for a student to trash someone or ridicule what was discussed.

As much as I may not enjoy teaching in these moments, it forces me to self-reflect and improve my teaching approach. What follows are two modifications to lesson plans where I commonly get stuck with my students. They are distinct hurdles that have motivated me to go beyond the surface and dig deeper.

PLEDGES

Many schools ask students to sign a pledge to stop gossiping or bullying. Many kids sign those pledges but then forget about them as soon as they walk down the hall to their next class. It is assumed by adults that because the students signed the pledge that the gossiping or bullying will stop. Let’s take a step back. What happens when a student sees another student who just signed that pledge maliciously or even thoughtlessly backstabs someone? That pledge immediately becomes another ridiculed bullying prevention effort.

Taking a pledge should never be a one-time event; it should be a self-reflective process to measure your actions against what you believe your values to be.

With my middle school classes, I have started a new approach. I have the students come up with all the things they pledge they will do. Up on the board goes, “No backstabbing,” No gossiping,” and “Be friends with everyone.” Then I ask how long they think they can uphold their pledge. For the rest of their lives? For a month? For a week? For two hours after school?

Just having the conversation about how long they can realistically stick to their pledge is important because it is an opportunity to ask students why it would be so hard to stop gossiping. It gives you the opportunity to talk about venting versus gossiping that I described in my previous blog post. What would we talk to our friends about if we weren’t talking about other people? Why are we bonding over trashing someone else? These discussions should have some depth and traction to get beyond superficial responses.

At the next class, I bring back the pledges so everyone can see their names and then I ask: Did everyone stick to the pledge the entire time? Did you forget? Did you remember later? If you did, how did it feel to remember? If you went back on your pledge, do you want to recommit to it? Do you want to change it in some way?

It is the “real” discussion that’s meaningful and encourages ownership of behavior that is necessary to change.

THINKING FOR YOURSELF VS. “OBEDIENCE”

Obedience is commonly used to describe a relationship between people where there’s a power imbalance like a boss and their supervisee or a child and an adult. We don’t usually use the word “obedience” to describe a relationship between young people but the dynamics of obedience work in similar ways no matter who is involved. If you are afraid to challenge someone because they have social power or authority over you, you will obey them. You may defer to them, you may look like you accept or agree with what’s happening or what’s being said but your actions really reflect that you don’t have a choice.

Included in one’s cultural background is one’s relationship with authority and respect for authority. Many of our students come from different cultures—cultures within the United States or outside the country that have a strong value placed on obedience, i.e. respecting or following the authority of their elders.

I often ask my students if they are allowed to respectfully and openly disagree with adults or if disagreeing is perceived as defiant. That discussion is eye-opening to many students and worth having even if you don’t talk about anything else. What I’ve seen is students’ assumptions about each other are often challenged and they reveal themselves to each other in ways that rarely happens.

We don’t want to be disrespectful to anyone’s family background or culture. But teaching critical thinking skills—which is an explicit goal of most educational institutions—are by its nature an act of disobedience. The person is challenging the “truth” presented to them.

Start the discussion with defining these three terms:

Obedience: the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance.

Civil disobedience: the refusal to obey certain laws or governmental demands for the purpose of influencing legislation or government policy, characterized by the employment of such nonviolent techniques as boycotting, picketing, and nonpayment of taxes.

Culture norms: Cultural norms are behavior patterns that are typical of specific groups. Such behaviors are learned from parents, teachers, peers, and many others whose values, attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors take place in the context of their own organizational culture.

Here are some of the questions I use to engage students in this discussion. Note that it is important to remind students who don’t believe there’s anything wrong with the social structure to be respectful of the other point of view. That belief in the system can sometimes silence others’ dissent and disagreement, the very issues you are talking about.

Is it ever appropriate to challenge people with authority?

A family member?
A teacher, coach, administrator?
A peer?

What is the difference between disrespect and disagreement? Is it disrespectful to disagree with someone who has more authority than you?

Then I explain to students that we are going to continue that line of thought by identifying and discussing “obedience” in the following situations and brainstorm what they might do in that situation:

Teacher/coach to student: Not saying anything when the teacher has treated you or another student in a way that feels disrespectful or demeaning.


Student to student in the classroom: Students do not contribute to class because the culture of the class discourages responses or students don’t say anything when peers criticize, ridicule, gossip about others.


Teammate to teammate: Playing on a team where ridiculing other players is a normal part of the team’s culture.

Then we can ask students:

How are any of these examples a form of cultural obedience?
How are any of these examples a form of cultural norms?
How does this affect the individuals and/or the team or group?

When you’re having these discussions, it may also be useful to ask students to share examples of how societal change happens, reminding them that much of the progress in our country’s history came about because people questioned authority and were not “obedient” (e.g. from slavery to the civil rights movement to the recent opt-out movement around high stakes testing and protests of police practices by young people throughout the country).

There are no “formal” rules about being mean or dehumanizing each other but it can happen between groups and within groups. Is it a form of civil disobedience to disagree when someone else is being criticized or put down?

How do following cultural norms strengthen our community and how does it weaken our community? And does challenging these norms ever bring people together?

Doing this kind of work is hard–as in really hard. Instead of looking at a sea of faces that appreciate you, you get accusations of irrelevance from the young people in positions of power and downcast eyes from the children who are marginalized or alienated. This dynamic will always happen when you try to reframe issues for a group where those power dynamics control people’s interactions. We have no hope of affecting people’s mindsets and behavior unless we challenge their own systems of social control and privilege that silences dissent within their own social contexts.

But what happens when we successfully challenge our students to confront these issues honestly and thoughtfully? Our students not only go through the process of internalizing what these issues mean to them but then realize how to transform their lives and the lives of others around them for the better.

Originally posted on ADL’s Classroom Conversation

Guest Blog: What Works with Teens by Julie Baron and Britt Rathbone

Blog: What Works with Teens

Written by Julie Baron, LCSW-C and Britt Rathbone, LCSW-C

If someone asked you to remember one adult in your life, other than your parents, who had a positive impact on you, who comes to mind? If we are lucky we can think of one or two. Perhaps a teacher, coach, religious leader, counselor or therapist? Maybe a tutor, camp counselor, school administrator, mentor, or a doctor who treated you? Teenagers rely on various helping adults in their lives to contribute to shaping their social, emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, and overall personal development. These are critical relationships that shape character and pave the road from adolescence to adulthood. When the adolescent and the adult experience positive and supportive helping relationships, both experience a greater sense of well-being and at the same time positively shape the culture at large.

The best tool in reaching adolescents in any setting is The Relationship. Adolescents know which adults they feel they can rely upon and which adults they dismiss, or worse, distrust or despise. Sound simple? If it were that simple, we would never tell our teens, “You are not going to like all your teachers so you have to learn to deal with them,” “If you want to play you just have to do what your coach says and don’t question it,” or “You need to listen to your therapist. She is the expert.” What is wrong with these statements adults often preach to teens? They are one sided. Relationships are much more complex than that. How do we expect adolescents to effectively do their job in school, on the field, or in the therapy room if they do not experience a connection of feeling heard and understood by the adults in charge? It is not fair to hold adolescents accountable without doing the same for ourselves. Based on the research as well as adolescent and professional accounts it is clear that there are critical skill areas that helping adults must deliberately practice in order to be that endeared and remembered adult in a teen’s life: respect, authenticity, kindness, predictability, and acceptance will lead to positive change with adolescents.

Respect Teens are excruciatingly sensitive to being treated with respect. At the same time they are quick to judge, and often misinterpret. Adults who make a difference to an adolescent communicate their inherent value in a direct manner. They are able to set limits effectively, give feedback and ask for behavior changes from young people because they do it respectfully. An 11th grader said it best, “I didn’t always like the things my tutor asked me to do, but I had respect for her because she showed respect to me. She got me to do things my teachers never did.”

Authenticity Teens can smell a phony from a mile away. Effective adults are those who are real with kids. They use their sense of humor, they communicate their own limitations, and they are open to feedback about what they do. And at the same time they maintain a professional identity and appropriate boundaries.

Kindness Young people respond to compassion and warmth. The adolescent social world can be cruel and sarcastic. Adults who are unwaveringly kind provide a safe harbor for teens who are typically self-conscious and uncomfortable in their own skin. They provide a place for teens to relax, be themselves, and experience support. Kindness can even effectively support limit setting.

Predictability Unpredictability increases anxiety, and directs attention away from tasks while predictability fosters productivity and innovation. Teens are able relax, learn and grow when adults in their lives behave in a manner that is dependable.

Acceptance When teens feel accepted they are better able to do the challenging work they face in school, on the field, or in the counselor’s office. Adults who communicate a deep acceptance of the young people in their charge are more effective at building relationships that make a difference.

Change Studies show that teens appreciate being pushed beyond their perceived capabilities — this is where change occurs. It’s the name of the game and what we are all working towards. When we demonstrate respect, authenticity, kindness, predictability and acceptance, they are more open to change. When change occurs, we all win!

All of these traits are made up of skills that can be developed with deliberate and focused practice. Working with adolescents requires dedication, patience, commitment, and humility. It is a calling and a privilege. We owe it to the next generation to give them the tools to succeed. Let’s get to it!

For much more on how professionals can skillfully manage their relationship with teens, read What Works with Teens: A Professionals Guide to Engaging Authentically with Adolescents toward Lasting Change by Britt Rathbone, MSSW, LCSW-C and Julie Baron, MSW, LCSW-C, Foreword by Rosalind Wiseman, New Harbinger Publications April 1, 2015.

Guest Blog: What Works with Teens by Julie Baron and Britt Rathbone

Written by: Julie Baron, LCSW-C and Britt Rathbone, LCSW-C

If someone asked you to remember one adult in your life, other than your parents, who had a positive impact on you, who comes to mind? If we are lucky we can think of one or two. Perhaps a teacher, coach, religious leader, counselor or therapist? Maybe a tutor, camp counselor, school administrator, mentor, or a doctor who treated you? Teenagers rely on various helping adults in their lives to contribute to shaping their social, emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, and overall personal development. These are critical relationships that shape character and pave the road from adolescence to adulthood. When the adolescent and the adult experience positive and supportive helping relationships, both experience a greater sense of well-being and at the same time positively shape the culture at large.

The best tool in reaching adolescents in any setting is The Relationship. Adolescents know which adults they feel they can rely upon and which adults they dismiss, or worse, distrust or despise. Sound simple? If it were that simple, we would never tell our teens, “You are not going to like all your teachers so you have to learn to deal with them,” “If you want to play you just have to do what your coach says and don’t question it,” or “You need to listen to your therapist. She is the expert.” What is wrong with these statements adults often preach to teens? They are one sided. Relationships are much more complex than that. How do we expect adolescents to effectively do their job in school, on the field, or in the therapy room if they do not experience a connection of feeling heard and understood by the adults in charge? It is not fair to hold adolescents accountable without doing the same for ourselves. Based on the research as well as adolescent and professional accounts it is clear that there are critical skill areas that helping adults must deliberately practice in order to be that endeared and remembered adult in a teen’s life: respect, authenticity, kindness, predictability, and acceptance will lead to positive change with adolescents.

Respect. Teens are excruciatingly sensitive to being treated with respect. At the same time they are quick to judge, and often misinterpret. Adults who make a difference to an adolescent communicate their inherent value in a direct manner. They are able to set limits effectively, give feedback and ask for behavior changes from young people because they do it respectfully. An 11th grader said it best, “I didn’t always like the things my tutor asked me to do, but I had respect for her because she showed respect to me. She got me to do things my teachers never did.”

Authenticity. Teens can smell a phony from a mile away. Effective adults are those who are real with kids. They use their sense of humor, they communicate their own limitations, and they are open to feedback about what they do. And at the same time they maintain a professional identity and appropriate boundaries.

Kindness. Young people respond to compassion and warmth. The adolescent social world can be cruel and sarcastic. Adults who are unwaveringly kind provide a safe harbor for teens who are typically self-conscious and uncomfortable in their own skin. They provide a place for teens to relax, be themselves, and experience support. Kindness can even effectively support limit setting.

Predictability. Unpredictability increases anxiety, and directs attention away from tasks while predictability fosters productivity and innovation. Teens are able relax, learn and grow when adults in their lives behave in a manner that is dependable.

Acceptance. When teens feel accepted they are better able to do the challenging work they face in school, on the field, or in the counselor’s office. Adults who communicate a deep acceptance of the young people in their charge are more effective at building relationships that make a difference.

Change. Studies show that teens appreciate being pushed beyond their perceived capabilities — this is where change occurs. It’s the name of the game and what we are all working towards. When we demonstrate respect, authenticity, kindness, predictability and acceptance, they are more open to change. When change occurs, we all win!

All of these traits are made up of skills that can be developed with deliberate and focused practice. Working with adolescents requires dedication, patience, commitment, and humility. It is a calling and a privilege. We owe it to the next generation to give them the tools to succeed. Let’s get to it!

For much more on how professionals can skillfully manage their relationship with teens, read What Works with Teens: A Professionals Guide to Engaging Authentically with Adolescents toward Lasting Change by Britt Rathbone, MSSW, LCSW-C and Julie Baron, MSW, LCSW-C, Foreword by Rosalind Wiseman, New Harbinger Publications April 1, 2015.

Family Circle: Four Truths About Social Media (That Parents Don’t Want to Hear)

Some questions about social media are an absolute breeze to answer: Why is my kid so obsessed with YikYak? What does PIR stand for? Then there are the queries that are a lot more complex: How much should I let my child use her phone? Should I monitor my child’s social life online?

I completely understand why parents want easy answers, like “Don’t let them sleep with their phones” or “Monitor their texts.” But it’s really hard for our children to take us seriously when we come up with strategies like that, and there’s a really good reason why: We’re hypocrites who often base our rules on anxiety instead of facts. Maybe you disagree with me, but before you do, consider the following four points.

1. We adults are as just as connected to our digital devices as our kids. Even as we’re nagging them to get off their screens, we don’t admit that we constantly check our phones when we’re bored or jump every time someone reaches out to us. And just like our kids, we convince ourselves that we always have a good reason for checking our email, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

2. Many adults post about the same things our kids do. Sure, lots of parents describe their children’s online social lives as meaningless and a waste of time. They could be doing something more productive, like going outside and getting some fresh air. Right? Well, then tell me this: Why is what our children post about the party they went to last weekend more superficial than what we posted about the party we went to last weekend? And why do we spend so much time online when we should be getting some exercise or some sleep?

3. Some of us stalk other children online. Some folks think that being a responsible parent today means running surveillance as much and as often as possible about anything to do with their children. One of the best ways to do this is to get on the popular social networking platforms kids are using, such as Snapchat and Instagram, and ask kids to link or connect with you. The theory being that if they accept your invitation, you can see what these children are doing. I guess. But in my experience young people are highly incentivized to hide their personal lives from adults they know. So even if they do accept your invitation, if they’re doing something they don’t want adults to see, they’ll figure out a way to hide it. And lots of kids who get these “invitations” see them for what they are—a way for parents to spy on them. Not only do they blow off the parent but they know that parent is trying to infiltrate their lives so they know not to trust that person. Not a great way to build rapport.

4. Everyone our children meets online isn’t a dangerous predator. Can we give our kids a bit of credit? Our children are “meeting” people they don’t know online all the time—especially if they play games online. If they have a headset when they play games, they are definitely talking to other people. Some of those people are annoying; some of them say racist, sexist, homophobic or just rude things a lot. But they aren’t physically threatening to your child.

Here are the stats: The vast majority of young people who meet people online and then meet them in real life fit a very specific pattern. I’ll say it to you this way: In my many years of working with young people, every, and I mean every, young person I’ve known who met a stranger in real life they initially met online was a 13- to 16-year-old neglected and/or abused girl who desperately needed attention and love because she wasn’t getting it from the people she was supposed to. The reality is that a young person who is vulnerable to online predators almost always has something very wrong in their real life that makes them turn to strangers.

Bottom line: As a parenting “expert,” I can give you lots of rules for your children about their online lives—whatever device they’re using. But none of these rules will work unless you have a relationship with your child built on mutual respect and their seeing that you live your life according to the same values you’re holding them to.

Originally posted on Family Circle Momster