Rosalind Wiseman's Blog, page 32

Family Circle: More Than Just a Crush

Back to school” is about getting back into the groove of a more structured life. It’s about buying supplies in time—not for the first day of classes but before they’re out of stock. It’s about what teachers your kid got and if they’re loved or hated.

But guess what it’s also about for a lot of kids? Crushes. The horribly awesome, terrifying, nerve-racking experience of seeing someone for the first time and falling for them hard. It could be their hair, the way they say hello, their cool red jacket, whatever—doesn’t matter. In an instant, the world will never be the same. And even if they don’t have a crush on someone, chances are good they’re going to have a friend who does and that will upend their world too.

Being aware of crushes falls into the parenting gray zone. You don’t want to stalk the school hallways or wait for your child to come home and immediately ask them about their or anyone else’s love life. Really…you don’t. Even though you may want to. But you do need to be aware of crushes as the possible source of your child’s weird mood swings. Or the potential reason behind a sudden increase in the amount of time spent texting. (They’re discussing with a friend exactly how the crush said “Hi” or how the crush affects social dynamics between your child and his or her friends.)

It’s really important to remember that crushes and puppy love aren’t insignificant. Just because kids are only holding hands or simply staring at each other doesn’t mean the feelings they have are meaningless. Take a minute to remember your first crush and how you felt around that person. See? Not meaningless. So don’t say things in front of your child about how fleeting crushes are or how they don’t really matter.

And just because I said no stalking, that doesn’t mean you can’t talk to your child. Sometime when it’s calm and quiet, like at the end of the day, you can say something like this.

YOU: Now that you’re in sixth grade, you might notice that people can get crushes on each other or really like each other.

YOUR KID:  Mom…I really don’t want to talk about this.

YOU: This is going to be brief but it’s important to me that you hear this. Having a crush can feel great. It can also feel terrible. And it can feel both at the same time. Sometimes friends can get involved and make the whole thing even weirder. Feelings can be confusing. You don’t have to talk to me about any of this but you can if you want. 

Regardless, here are four things I want you to keep in mind.

Friends shouldn’t be mean to you or deliberately embarrass you about your crush. If your friend has a crush, the same rules apply about what you say to them.


If you have a crush and you get rejected it’s not going to be easy, but you can’t be rude or mean in person or online. If your friend has a crush and they get rejected, I don’t want you to join in if they start going after the person either.


Friends don’t have to agree with why the crush is so crush-worthy. If your friend thinks that the crush isn’t cute, that’s okay. Friends can disagree. What’s not cool is if a friend makes fun of liking the crush or embarrasses you in front of other people.


Sometimes friends, even really close friends, can have a crush on the same person. Covert operations to make the competition look bad almost always backfire and destroy the friendship.

Remember, these experiences are important, so if you ever do want to talk about it, I hope you can talk to me or someone else about them. Okay, I’m done unless there’s anything you want to ask.

Then don’t wait around with an intense mom or dad expression on your face that signals to your child that you expect to have a deep, meaningful conversation. Just walk away. I promise that if you do, they are much more likely to come to you when they want to get something off their chest.

On the flip side, if your child is the loved one, it can feel great—or really awkward, depending on how they feel about the person who likes them. What’s most important: no humiliating the other person if they don’t like them.

And I have one pet peeve: If your child tells you that a kid of the opposite sex hits them at school or teases them, please don’t say with a grin on your face, “I think they like you.” And definitely don’t say, “You know why they’re probably doing that? Because they have a crush on you!” (See my previous post, “7 Words You Shouldn’t Say to Your Kid.”)

We don’t want to teach our children that an acceptable way to show you like someone is to be mean to them. Plus, we weren’t there. Maybe the other child doesn’t like your kid and now you’re enabling your kid to read the situation wrong. Maybe other children were teasing the child about liking your son or daughter, so they felt forced to be mean to them to make the matchmaking and teasing stop. If our children tell us these things, we can say:

That’s too bad. Maybe I can ask you some questions to help you think it through. Did it feel playful or mean? Did they do it around other people?

Let’s use this as an opportunity to teach our kids how to tell when someone likes them, how to be respectful when the feelings aren’t mutual, and how to be a good friend through it all. Handling all this is tricky stuff. We have to be ready to ask thoughtful questions so our kids can navigate this really rocky terrain—and then do their homework, their sports activities, their chores…It’s a lot.

Originally posted on Family Circle Momster

PAPERBACK PUBLICATION: Masterminds & Wingmen

AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK – Here is a landmark book that reveals the way boys think and that shows parents, educators and coaches how to reach out and help boys overcome their most common yet difficult challenges — by the bestselling author who changed our conception of adolescent girls.

Do you constantly struggle to pull information from your son, student, or athlete, only to encounter mumbling or evasive assurances such as “It’s nothing” or “I’m good?”  Do you sense that the boy you care about is being bullied, but that he’ll do anything to avoid your “help?”   Have you repeatedly reminded him that schoolwork and chores come before video games only to spy him reaching for the controller as soon as you leave the room? Have you watched with frustration as your boy flounders with girls?

Welcome to Boy World. It’s a place where asking for help or showing emotional pain often feels impossible. Where sports and video games can mean everything, but working hard in school frequently earns ridicule from “the guys” even as they ask to copy assignments. Where “masterminds” dominate and friends ruthlessly insult each other but can never object when someone steps over the line. Where hiding problems from adults is the ironclad rule because their involvement only makes situations worse.

Boy world is governed by social hierarchies and a powerful set of unwritten rules that have huge implications for your boy’s relationships, his interactions with you, and the man he’ll become. If you want what’s best for him, you need to know what these rules are and how to work with them effectively.

What you’ll find in Masterminds and Wingmen is critically important for every parent – or anyone who cares about boys – to know. Collaborating with a large team of middle- and high-school-age editors, Rosalind Wiseman has created an unprecedented guide to the life your boy is actually experiencing – his on-the-ground reality.  Not only does Wiseman challenge you to examine your assumptions, she offers innovative coping strategies aimed at helping your boy develop a positive, authentic, and strong sense of self.

TIME Op Ed: Why Teens Are Turning to Human Growth Hormones for the ‘Perfect’ Body

A generation aware of the risks of eating disorders now has performance – enhancing drugs available at a click – but not much information on their possible side effects.

A new survey from the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids found that 11% of the 3,705 high-schoolers surveyed reported “having used” synthetic human growth hormones without a prescription. This reflects that use may have more than doubled from when a similar survey was conducted four years ago. One in five teens even reported knowing at least one friend who uses a performance-enhancing drug (PEDs).

As an educator who works with children and teens around the country and a high school senior, we believe that more young people are turning to steroids and other PEDs for one reason: the constant pressure for both boys and girls to have a “perfect” body

It’s common knowledge that girls are under tremendous pressure to conform to an unhealthy and unrealistically thin body image. It may seem odd that some girls would look to PEDs to achieve this “perfect” body, but a quick internet search reveals thousands of advertisements for steroids promising weight loss specifically for women. This generation of girls has grown up knowing about eating disorders and their potential health dangers. Is it possible that girls today are now seeking out drugs (that they can instantly buy online) because they think it will give them the edge to achieve the ideal body—without knowing their possible side affects?

For boys, the common assumption is that steroid use is associated with athletes. But there’s increased cultural pressure for all boys, not just athletes, to fit a hyper masculine body image. It begins early (for example, 6-year-old boys commonly believe they should have a six pack) and then intensifies as the boys get older. Combine that with our collective inability or unwillingness to give boys a language, and therefore permission, to talk about the pressure boys feel to conform to an unrealistic image of masculinity (as we regularly do for girls with cultural messages of femininity) and it’s almost impossible for boys to admit their shame and inadequacy. Consequently, they’re driven to solve the “problem” privately, however they can. In that light, taking PEDs for purely aesthetic reasons becomes a logical decision.

For high school athletes, it’s all about getting bigger and better. Almost every guy wants to gain weight and muscle. Even among non-athletes, many boys get teased for being skinny and small or having “moobs (“man boobs”). But just as constant is boys’ insistence that they can never share these humiliations publicly. In the rare times they do complain, adults hardly give it the serious consideration they do when girls are targeted in the same way.

In the January issue of JAMA Pediatrics, a study (Prospective Associations of Concerns About Physique and the Development of Obesity, Binge Drinking, and Drug Use Among Adolescent Boys and Young Adult Men)reported that 18% of boys are highly concerned about their weight and physique. They’re also at increased risk for a variety of negative outcomes: Boys in the study who were extremely concerned about weight were more likely to be depressed, and more likely to engage in high-risk behaviors such as binge drinking and drug use. Though 18% might be on the low side, between 28% and 68% of young men at a normal weight perceive themselves to be underweight, according to the .

What’s the cost? The common assumption is that boys don’t care about being teased about body image the way girls do. We challenge that assumption and want to shift the conversation about PEDs and body image so we all believe boys have the right to receive the same empowering messages that girls get. We live in a culture that can undermine your sense of self by giving you one, almost impossible, image of an “acceptable” body. Boys, just like girls, have the right to know that. Boys, just like girls, have the right to acknowledge that it affects your sense of self and you have the right to talk about it without being dismissed or ridiculed. And finally, boys, just like girls, have the right to be educated about these issues so they don’t risk their physical health and emotional well being to chase an impossible ideal.

Originally posted on TIME.com

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations // League of Lessons: Why Gaming Matters

I was in the middle of a presentation to three hundred middle schoolers when a boy’s arm shot straight up so desperately that I thought it would separate from his body. I stopped, midsentence. Clearly this child had something incredibly important to ask and I just couldn’t ignore him.

Me: What’s your question?

Boy: Are you Xbox or Playstation? (I froze, realizing the magnitude of the question. Three hundred boys looked at me with bated breath.)

Me: I refuse to answer that.

Boy: Why?

Me: If I tell you, you’ll make an assessment of my character and intelligence.

Boy (mulling over my response): Fair enough.

Looking back on that moment, I don’t know how I knew that this was one of the better responses I could have given. But immediately after the presentation, I had three realizations: 1) I was very grateful to the teaching gods that somehow I answered that question correctly, 2) Acknowledging the importance of his question was meaningful to the other students and 3) I’d better educate myself much more about gaming as soon as possible.

But why was the question and my answer so important?

Gaming is a critical point of entry to youth culture and it provides an opportunity to build relationships with many of our students, especially those who are difficult to reach. The problem is that unless they are gamers themselves, educators and counselors know almost nothing about the games their students play and are often quick to express their hatred for “violent video games” and their dismay about how much time kids spend playing them.

There are countless studies on the possible causation between playing a violent game and being more violent and aggressive in real life. And there are countless, and just as credible, studies refuting the causation argument. But most educators really can’t shake their certainty that playing violent video games somehow causes a child to be more aggressive and even violent.

Young people who game know our bias and the ignorance this bias comes from. It’s this reactivity about games that can make it much more difficult for us to develop strong relationships with young people. It’s also undeniable that gaming is an essential part of many students’ lives. We have an obligation to know about this incredibly diverse world so we can effectively help children and teens navigate it with informed, constructive guidance.

And the reality is that a great game can challenge a player in exactly the same way a great teacher can. If you bring them together, things get really interesting.

What’s good about a good game?

Have you ever wondered why you have students who can’t or won’t do 20 minutes of homework but will play a video game for hours at a time? Here are a few possible reasons why:

Games make you want to work hard to overcome obstacles.

Games make you think through problems in a different way to achieve your goal.

Games teach you to fail as part of the process of learning.

Games are part of the basic social fabric for many kids and teens. Sitting on the couch with your friends, eating Doritos and playing FIFA is quality bonding time.

It’s natural for teens to want to escape the limitations and frustrations they have in their real lives, and often they feel powerful and useful in their virtual lives. Remember what it was like to be a young person? You probably had constant, and possibly highly irritating, interactions with authority figures (school administrators, coaches, teachers, parents, more powerful social peers, etc.). When you play an immersive game, especially if you’re good at it, you can counteract the feelings of powerlessness and humiliation playing the game. When you add in the possibility of playing a game with a team of other (real) people who recognize and depend on your ability to help the team overcome challenges, this is an incredible motivator to play the game. It’s also one of the reasons why you may have students who stay up all night playing video games, especially if the other players on their team are in different time zones.

So what can be not so good about games?

While many educators focus on social cruelty on social networking sites like Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and Ask.fm, games that allow players to chat or talk to other players online through a headset can experience similar harassment. General social cruelty as well as homophobic, racist, and sexist verbal attacks can be common—regardless of the maturity rating of the game.

We should take this as the opportunity it is: games provide some of the most fertile ground to talk to our students about the “isms” in a context that they can easily relate to. Here are two examples you can use for discussion in the classroom:

By-standing: Ask your students if they have ever played a video game and heard another player verbally attacked. What were the words used to demean the targeted player? What did the other players do, if anything, in reaction? What are the reasons that people don’t say anything, especially because they wouldn’t be risking a lot since they don’t interact in real life?

Sexism: Ask girl gamers if they have experienced negative reactions from other players because they’re female. What were the words used against them? What was the motivation of the attacking player to go after the girl? How have they responded (for example, many female gamers won’t speak unless they’re playing with a group of people they know aren’t going to verbally attack them)? Ask boys what they have observed and what they’re doing about it.

A great lesson plan was published in Paul Davaris’ recent article in Teaching Ethics and Narrative…With Violent Video Games? In it, he highlights religious studies educator Tobias Staaby’s use of the popular zombie game, The Walking Dead, to encourage his students to examine group dynamics and moral dilemmas that occur within the game narrative. Staaby reports that his students practiced problem-solving and ethical decision-making while reflecting on the consequences of their actions.  Not a single parent complained about the content.

But of course there are games with disturbing violent content. The best known is Grand Theft Auto. As compelling as the game is, the narrative includes a mandatory torture mission and there are always options to do truly heinous things like sleep with and kill a prostitute—and then take back the money you paid her. If educators don’t know the difference between games and consider them all equally “violent,” any discussion we have with our students will only reinforce the belief that we don’t know what we’re talking about. If we talk to our students in a manner that reflects that we have taken the time to educate ourselves about the topic, not only can we credibly talk with them but we have role modeled the value of having educating oneself before engaging in critical dialogues with each other.

Reaching Out

If you have a student that you’re struggling with—as in you’re trying to get through to this kid and you’re met with a wall of seeming indifference or hostility—use gaming as a possible way to build rapport. Here’s some sample things you can say:

Hey thanks for meeting with me. I just wanted to check in with you about my class.

It’s fine.

Ok. But I don’t want it to be fine. It’s really important to me that you don’t think the class is a complete waste of your time.

It’s ok… Am I in trouble?

No you’re not in trouble. Let’s forget about the class for a moment and take a step back. What do you do to relax or have fun? What movies or books do you like? Do you play video games?

Why do you want to know?

Because in order to be the best teacher I need to be for you, it’s helpful to know what you like doing and why.

Ok…I play League of Legends…(LOL is an immensely complex and popular game played on line)

I don’t know that game. Can you tell me about it?

In one short conversation, you’ve opened up communication by showing the student you want to know more about something that’s important to them.  And you’re not making a judgment about it. That is a powerful lesson.

Originally posted on the ADL’s website Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations – League of Lessons: Why Gaming Matters

I was in the middle of a presentation to three hundred middle schoolers when a boy’s arm shot straight up so desperately that I thought it would separate from his body. I stopped, midsentence. Clearly this child had something incredibly important to ask and I just couldn’t ignore him.

Me: What’s your question?

Boy: Are you Xbox or Playstation? (I froze, realizing the magnitude of the question. Three hundred boys looked at me with bated breath.)

Me: I refuse to answer that.

Boy: Why?

Me: If I tell you, you’ll make an assessment of my character and intelligence.

Boy (mulling over my response): Fair enough.

Looking back on that moment, I don’t know how I knew that this was one of the better responses I could have given. But immediately after the presentation, I had three realizations: 1) I was very grateful to the teaching gods that somehow I answered that question correctly, 2) Acknowledging the importance of his question was meaningful to the other students and 3) I’d better educate myself much more about gaming as soon as possible.

But why was the question and my answer so important?

Gaming is a critical point of entry to youth culture and it provides an opportunity to build relationships with many of our students, especially those who are difficult to reach. The problem is that unless they are gamers themselves, educators and counselors know almost nothing about the games their students play and are often quick to express their hatred for “violent video games” and their dismay about how much time kids spend playing them.

There are countless studies on the possible causation between playing a violent game and being more violent and aggressive in real life. And there are countless, and just as credible, studies refuting the causation argument. But most educators really can’t shake their certainty that playing violent video games somehow causes a child to be more aggressive and even violent.

Young people who game know our bias and the ignorance this bias comes from. It’s this reactivity about games that can make it much more difficult for us to develop strong relationships with young people. It’s also undeniable that gaming is an essential part of many students’ lives. We have an obligation to know about this incredibly diverse world so we can effectively help children and teens navigate it with informed, constructive guidance.

And the reality is that a great game can challenge a player in exactly the same way a great teacher can. If you bring them together, things get really interesting.

What’s good about a good game?

Have you ever wondered why you have students who can’t or won’t do 20 minutes of homework but will play a video game for hours at a time? Here are a few possible reasons why:

Games make you want to work hard to overcome obstacles.

Games make you think through problems in a different way to achieve your goal.

Games teach you to fail as part of the process of learning.

Games are part of the basic social fabric for many kids and teens. Sitting on the couch with your friends, eating Doritos and playing FIFA is quality bonding time.

It’s natural for teens to want to escape the limitations and frustrations they have in their real lives, and often they feel powerful and useful in their virtual lives. Remember what it was like to be a young person? You probably had constant, and possibly highly irritating, interactions with authority figures (school administrators, coaches, teachers, parents, more powerful social peers, etc.). When you play an immersive game, especially if you’re good at it, you can counteract the feelings of powerlessness and humiliation playing the game. When you add in the possibility of playing a game with a team of other (real) people who recognize and depend on your ability to help the team overcome challenges, this is an incredible motivator to play the game. It’s also one of the reasons why you may have students who stay up all night playing video games, especially if the other players on their team are in different time zones.

So what can be not so good about games?

While many educators focus on social cruelty on social networking sites like Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram and Ask.fm, games that allow players to chat or talk to other players online through a headset can experience similar harassment. General social cruelty as well as homophobic, racist, and sexist verbal attacks can be common—regardless of the maturity rating of the game.

We should take this as the opportunity it is: games provide some of the most fertile ground to talk to our students about the “isms” in a context that they can easily relate to. Here are two examples you can use for discussion in the classroom:

By-standing: Ask your students if they have ever played a video game and heard another player verbally attacked. What were the words used to demean the targeted player? What did the other players do, if anything, in reaction? What are the reasons that people don’t say anything, especially because they wouldn’t be risking a lot since they don’t interact in real life?

Sexism: Ask girl gamers if they have experienced negative reactions from other players because they’re female. What were the words used against them? What was the motivation of the attacking player to go after the girl? How have they responded (for example, many female gamers won’t speak unless they’re playing with a group of people they know aren’t going to verbally attack them)? Ask boys what they have observed and what they’re doing about it.

A great lesson plan was published in Paul Davaris’ recent article in Teaching Ethics and Narrative…With Violent Video Games? In it, he highlights religious studies educator Tobias Staaby’s use of the popular zombie game, The Walking Dead, to encourage his students to examine group dynamics and moral dilemmas that occur within the game narrative. Staaby reports that his students practiced problem-solving and ethical decision-making while reflecting on the consequences of their actions.  Not a single parent complained about the content.

But of course there are games with disturbing violent content. The best known is Grand Theft Auto. As compelling as the game is, the narrative includes a mandatory torture mission and there are always options to do truly heinous things like sleep with and kill a prostitute—and then take back the money you paid her. If educators don’t know the difference between games and consider them all equally “violent,” any discussion we have with our students will only reinforce the belief that we don’t know what we’re talking about. If we talk to our students in a manner that reflects that we have taken the time to educate ourselves about the topic, not only can we credibly talk with them but we have role modeled the value of having educating oneself before engaging in critical dialogues with each other.

Reaching Out

If you have a student that you’re struggling with—as in you’re trying to get through to this kid and you’re met with a wall of seeming indifference or hostility—use gaming as a possible way to build rapport. Here’s some sample things you can say:

Hey thanks for meeting with me. I just wanted to check in with you about my class.

It’s fine.

Ok. But I don’t want it to be fine. It’s really important to me that you don’t think the class is a complete waste of your time.

It’s ok… Am I in trouble?

No you’re not in trouble. Let’s forget about the class for a moment and take a step back. What do you do to relax or have fun? What movies or books do you like? Do you play video games?

Why do you want to know?

Because in order to be the best teacher I need to be for you, it’s helpful to know what you like doing and why.

Ok…I play League of Legends…(LOL is an immensely complex and popular game played on line)

I don’t know that game. Can you tell me about it?

In one short conversation, you’ve opened up communication by showing the student you want to know more about something that’s important to them.  And you’re not making a judgment about it. That is a powerful lesson.

Originally posted on the ADL’s website Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations // The Power of Real Apologies in a Fake Apology World

The Power of Real Apologies in a Fake Apology World
Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations, May 2014

Apologies require the highest level of human capacity—mindful self-reflection and the ability to acknowledge another person’s experience. If that isn’t hard enough, it often requires putting ourselves in a position of vulnerability—often to the person to whom we are apologizing.

That’s why no one has ever woken up in the morning excited because they have to apologize to someone. Of course, it feels better in the long run, and yes, it’s the “right” thing to do, but usually we dread these moments. It’s why we so often come up with reasons not to apologize; like refusing to believe we’re wrong, excusing our behavior, blaming the other person or thinking nothing we say will make a difference.

Adults often have the best of intentions; however, the way we teach children to apologize is often counterproductive. We often force them to apologize when they don’t mean it or we don’t understand what’s really going on. We demand they apologize, get angry with them when they refuse, and then don’t think to revisit what happened later when they’ve been given a chance to self-reflect. Or, we make them apologize but don’t realize or know what to do when they only apologize to get themselves out of trouble.

What Are We Up Against?

There is a lot on the line. How you model and teach giving and accepting apologies matters. If you handle these moments well, you are giving young people a foundation for their ethical development. If you don’t, you miss a critical opportunity to demonstrate your values in action and it decreases your credibility as an ethical authority figure.

It shouldn’t be surprising that young people are cynical about apologizing and often don’t see what’s in it for them. They witness “fake” apologies amongst their peers and see adults who treat them disrespectfully, abuse their power and who would never think to apologize. It’s not difficult to realize how seriously challenging it is to convince children that apologies are anything but superficial gestures.

But…

For all that cynicism, my experience with young people over many years of teaching is consistent: when they see an adult genuinely apologize or competently broker a truce between kids, they realize the power of apologies to transform relationships.

So, what is a genuine apology?

True apologies:

1.  Recognize that every person has the right to his or her feelings and perspective. That means no one has the right to tell anyone else that they’re “overreacting,” “took it the wrong way” or are “overly sensitive.”

2.  Conveys sincerity.

3.  Acknowledges the hurt done to the other person.

4.  Offers to make amends having nothing to do with being “caught” and getting into trouble.

Examples of good apologies are “I’m deeply sorry I said those things or “I was really out of line, and I didn’t think about how I embarrassed you (or the position I put you in).”

Remember our challenge. The young people we work with have grown up consistently seeing people insincerely apologize. So if we want to talk to them about the power of a genuine apology to transform relationships, we have to acknowledge and define fake apologies.

A fake apology is a combination of arrogance, insincerity and sometimes stupidity (because the person doesn’t realize how fake they are coming across to everyone else).

A fake apology:

Has an insincere tone of voice, sometimes accompanied by body language, like sighing and eye-rolling, to further communicate their true feelings.
Tries to make the other person feel weak for wanting the apology. For example, “If you really feel that strongly about it, then fine, I’m sorry” or “I apologize if I offended you,” or “I wouldn’t have cared if it happened to me.”
Manipulates the person apologized to, usually in order to get something the apologizer wants. For example,“I’m sorry, can you please just drop it? If you tell x teacher, I’m going to…”
Talks about themselves and how they’ve been affected by the situation and doesn’t take responsibility for their behavior.

When fake apologies are used to minimize or excuse homophobic, racist or sexist comments, (or any comment attacking someone’s inherent being) the person receiving the apology can feel even more frustrated because the apology is used to get away with the bigotry.

For all of these reasons, it’s essential to know how to confront a fake apology. Here’s one strategy based on the SEAL strategy I described in my last article:

Fake Apologizer: I didn’t realize you were so sensitive!

Student (explaining): To be honest, the way you just apologized doesn’t seem like you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me.

Fake Apologizer (in sarcastic tone): No, I totally mean it.

Student (affirming): I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it.

Let Your Students Decide: Real of Fake?

An exercise you can do with your students is to look up video footage of apologies. A great example is of Oklahoma State basketball player, Marcus Smart, giving an apology during a press conference after he got into a conflict with two fans during a game.

Watch the video with your students and ask them if they think Marcus is being sincere. How can they tell? Then, if you have time, read the manuscript. I’m willing to bet the conversation will get a lot more interesting.

For other apology videos, think about what works best for your students. Search for “best and worst apologies” on YouTube and you will find many options. Here’s a link to Donald Sterling’s apology on Anderson Cooper and Jonah Hill’s apology on Jimmy Fallon.

Accepting Apologies and Forgiveness

Ask your students:

What is fair to expect of the person who wants the apology?

What is fair to expect of the person who needs to apologize?

When someone apologizes, the other person should acknowledge the apology and move on. The best response is to say something like, “Thanks.” Stay away from “Don’t worry about it.” or “It’s okay.” If the apologizer says, “Do you forgive me?” and the other person isn’t ready to say yes, they can say, “I’m not there yet, but I really appreciate that you apologized.”

A child may give a genuine apology and the other person still won’t forgive them. The real goal isn’t to receive forgiveness. It is to go through the process of doing your best to make amends.

Originally posted on the ADL’s website Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations – The Power of Real Apologies in a Fake Apology World

The Power of Real Apologies in a Fake Apology World
Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations, May 2014

Apologies require the highest level of human capacity—mindful self-reflection and the ability to acknowledge another person’s experience. If that isn’t hard enough, it often requires putting ourselves in a position of vulnerability—often to the person to whom we are apologizing.

That’s why no one has ever woken up in the morning excited because they have to apologize to someone. Of course, it feels better in the long run, and yes, it’s the “right” thing to do, but usually we dread these moments. It’s why we so often come up with reasons not to apologize; like refusing to believe we’re wrong, excusing our behavior, blaming the other person or thinking nothing we say will make a difference.

Adults often have the best of intentions; however, the way we teach children to apologize is often counterproductive. We often force them to apologize when they don’t mean it or we don’t understand what’s really going on. We demand they apologize, get angry with them when they refuse, and then don’t think to revisit what happened later when they’ve been given a chance to self-reflect. Or, we make them apologize but don’t realize or know what to do when they only apologize to get themselves out of trouble.

What Are We Up Against?

There is a lot on the line. How you model and teach giving and accepting apologies matters. If you handle these moments well, you are giving young people a foundation for their ethical development. If you don’t, you miss a critical opportunity to demonstrate your values in action and it decreases your credibility as an ethical authority figure.

It shouldn’t be surprising that young people are cynical about apologizing and often don’t see what’s in it for them. They witness “fake” apologies amongst their peers and see adults who treat them disrespectfully, abuse their power and who would never think to apologize. It’s not difficult to realize how seriously challenging it is to convince children that apologies are anything but superficial gestures.

But…

For all that cynicism, my experience with young people over many years of teaching is consistent: when they see an adult genuinely apologize or competently broker a truce between kids, they realize the power of apologies to transform relationships.

So, what is a genuine apology?

True apologies:

1.  Recognize that every person has the right to his or her feelings and perspective. That means no one has the right to tell anyone else that they’re “overreacting,” “took it the wrong way” or are “overly sensitive.”

2.  Conveys sincerity.

3.  Acknowledges the hurt done to the other person.

4.  Offers to make amends having nothing to do with being “caught” and getting into trouble.

Examples of good apologies are “I’m deeply sorry I said those things or “I was really out of line, and I didn’t think about how I embarrassed you (or the position I put you in).”

Remember our challenge. The young people we work with have grown up consistently seeing people insincerely apologize. So if we want to talk to them about the power of a genuine apology to transform relationships, we have to acknowledge and define fake apologies.

A fake apology is a combination of arrogance, insincerity and sometimes stupidity (because the person doesn’t realize how fake they are coming across to everyone else).

A fake apology:

Has an insincere tone of voice, sometimes accompanied by body language, like sighing and eye-rolling, to further communicate their true feelings.
Tries to make the other person feel weak for wanting the apology. For example, “If you really feel that strongly about it, then fine, I’m sorry” or “I apologize if I offended you,” or “I wouldn’t have cared if it happened to me.”
Manipulates the person apologized to, usually in order to get something the apologizer wants. For example,“I’m sorry, can you please just drop it? If you tell x teacher, I’m going to…”
Talks about themselves and how they’ve been affected by the situation and doesn’t take responsibility for their behavior.

When fake apologies are used to minimize or excuse homophobic, racist or sexist comments, (or any comment attacking someone’s inherent being) the person receiving the apology can feel even more frustrated because the apology is used to get away with the bigotry.

For all of these reasons, it’s essential to know how to confront a fake apology. Here’s one strategy based on the SEAL strategy I described in my last article:

Fake Apologizer: I didn’t realize you were so sensitive!

Student (explaining): To be honest, the way you just apologized doesn’t seem like you mean it. If I’m wrong, tell me.

Fake Apologizer (in sarcastic tone): No, I totally mean it.

Student (affirming): I just want you to say what you mean. Otherwise, don’t say it.

Let Your Students Decide: Real of Fake?

An exercise you can do with your students is to look up video footage of apologies. A great example is of Oklahoma State basketball player, Marcus Smart, giving an apology during a press conference after he got into a conflict with two fans during a game.

Watch the video with your students and ask them if they think Marcus is being sincere. How can they tell? Then, if you have time, read the manuscript. I’m willing to bet the conversation will get a lot more interesting.

For other apology videos, think about what works best for your students. Search for “best and worst apologies” on YouTube and you will find many options. Here’s a link to Donald Sterling’s apology on Anderson Cooper and Jonah Hill’s apology on Jimmy Fallon.

Accepting Apologies and Forgiveness

Ask your students:

What is fair to expect of the person who wants the apology?

What is fair to expect of the person who needs to apologize?

When someone apologizes, the other person should acknowledge the apology and move on. The best response is to say something like, “Thanks.” Stay away from “Don’t worry about it.” or “It’s okay.” If the apologizer says, “Do you forgive me?” and the other person isn’t ready to say yes, they can say, “I’m not there yet, but I really appreciate that you apologized.”

A child may give a genuine apology and the other person still won’t forgive them. The real goal isn’t to receive forgiveness. It is to go through the process of doing your best to make amends.

Originally posted on the ADL’s website Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations // Every Conflict Isn’t Bullying

Every Conflict Isn’t Bullying
Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations, May 2014

One of the things that can be scary about teaching is the possibility that our students won’t engage or relate to what we’re trying to teach. All educators face this reality, but those of us who do bullying prevention programs are particularly at risk. You know why? Because after fourth grade, many students are tired of listening to adults lecture them about bullying and believe adults aren’t realistic about the problem or the solutions.

Bullying, when one person repeatedly abuses or threatens to abuse their power against another person, obviously occurs and has a profoundly negative impact on individual child’s life and overall school culture. Beyond this definition, I also think of bullying as stripping someone of their dignity, of their inherent worth, by attacking and/or humiliating someone based on a perceived inherent trait like their sexual orientation, their conformance to gender expectations, their religion, their socio-economic level, their race or a disability.

But if we really want to reach young people about bullying we have to acknowledge that the way we often teach bullying prevention is counter-productive for the following two reasons:

We talk about bullying as if it’s always one way; where there’s “the bully”, who is 100% guilty and “the target” who is 100% innocent. While of course those interactions occur and are critical to address, what children see more often is “drama” where peers are aggressive towards each other or the “target” is seen as doing something that has antagonized the “bully.” In both situations, the aggressor and their peers often don’t think they’re bullying the target. Instead, they believe they’re defending themselves or someone else by using the power and resources available to them. The consequences of drama can still be serious—a young person caught up in it can be really upset, isolated and distracted in school but to call it bullying is counterproductive if you want your students to be able to be self-reflective and shift their behavior.

We talk about bullying prevention as if it only happens between children. It is the very rare bullying program that acknowledges that bullying can occur between adults or adults to children. As in, it is entirely realistic to assume that the young people we work with observe or directly experience an adult at school bullying a child or another adult, a parent bullying a teacher or vice-versa, or any adult in the school abusing power over another. If we don’t include this possibility, we perpetuate young people’s belief that adults won’t look at our own behavior and hold ourselves accountable in a way that we demand from them.

So what can do we do about it? Here are some ideas.

Teach the difference between bullying and conflict or drama, respect both as possibly upsetting to people, and tie both to developing social competency.
Teach children that it’s not always possible to avoid conflict. Instead, conflict between people is inevitable and the goal is to handle that conflict competently while treating yourself and the other person with dignity.
Redefine how we advise “Talk to an adult” when a child has a problem and use it as a way to build social competency. When children identify that they are facing a problem too big for them to solve on their own, part of their self-care and strategy for solving the problem should be critically assessing which adult in their life will be the best advocate for them.
Closely tied to #3 is explicitly communicating to young people that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a skill that people use who want more control over their lives and the problems they face.
Apologize when we make a mistake. Even the best teachers can tease a student the wrong way or discipline the wrong child only to realize later that they made a mistake. It is profoundly meaningful for an adult to apologize to a young person by saying, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Yes, the child may respond with, “That’s ok, don’t worry about it.” Don’t be fooled. It can mean the difference between a disengaged student who would never ask a teacher for help again to an engaged learner who believes that there’s at least one adult in the school community that truly has his or her back.
Admit that any strategy, from “I messages” and “feedback sandwiches” or anything like it, comes across as probably weird and cheesy. We need to introduce bullying prevention and social competency strategies realistically:

Children usually react to bullying prevention methods with eye rolls. We have to be constantly looking for ways to authentically connect with our students and admit it when we miss the mark. Here’s what best works for me. I acknowledge that it can feel weird and cheesy to try the strategies I’m suggesting and then recently I compare the SEAL strategy I teach to preparing for a battle in a video game.

SEAL stands for the following:

Stop and Strategize where and when you’re going to speak to the person.

Explain what you don’t like and what you want.

Affirm your right to be treated with dignity and your responsibility to do the same and Acknowledge anything that you did that contributed to the problem.

Lock: lock in the friendship, lock it out or take a vacation.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but recently I had the miserable experience of failing in front of hundred and fifty middle school students in New Mexico. Thankfully they were nice children so they put up with sitting on bleachers in a gym for an hour listening to me talk to them about bullying and their friendship conflicts. But, I walked out with that sinking feeling that I had wasted their time.

For the next two weeks I thought about what I had missed. I also knew I had an upcoming opportunity to try again with another group of middle schoolers. As I said in the beginning, our work can be scary. I had failed a few weeks before so why was I putting myself in the line of fire again? Because, as I reminded myself, that’s what teachers do. We try, we fail, we think about how we need to teach better, and we try again. But I had an idea on how to improve based on recent conversations I had had with young people about video games.

Two weeks later I was in Omaha, NE and with a hundred middle school boys in a gym sitting on bleachers. This time we had the added challenge of the cheerleaders practicing on the other side of the wall. For my introduction to SEAL, this is what I said:

Me: When you’re preparing for a battle in a video game what do you do?

Hands shot up.

I get my best weapon!

I survey the land!

I put on my best armor!

I take my magical healing potions!

Me: Do you think about what your opponents’ possible counter strategies are?

YES!!!!

Me: Do you prepare thinking the battle is going to go exactly as you practiced?

All the boys said, No!

Me: No. You don’t go into the battle assuming it’s going to go perfectly and when it doesn’t you should just give up. You prepare by thinking about the possible counterstrikes. You go in as brave, smart and strong as possible. That’s how I’m asking you to think about preparing for a social conflict in real life. Except instead of the goal being to destroy the enemy, your goal is to speak your truth, face the situation courageously and don’t let the other person control the situation so you end up feeling bad and stupid or even worse you end up apologizing for even trying to face the problem.

The students didn’t respond with, Oh, I absolutely agree. I got something better. The feeling in the room was unmistakable. The kids were thinking and considering what I was suggesting.

The solution to getting our students’ “buy in” is in our hands but it’s scary. It requires a hard look at our own behavior. But we are only asking what we regularly ask our students to do. Take responsibility, hold yourself accountable and do the right thing when it’s hard. We are fighting for what matters the most: Our collective right to be treated with dignity.  If we do this, we will also convince the young people we work with and care for that we are competent and brave enough to stand by their side.

Originally posted on the ADL’s website Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations

 

ADL: Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations – Every Conflict Isn’t Bullying

Every Conflict Isn’t Bullying
Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations, May 2014

One of the things that can be scary about teaching is the possibility that our students won’t engage or relate to what we’re trying to teach. All educators face this reality, but those of us who do bullying prevention programs are particularly at risk. You know why? Because after fourth grade, many students are tired of listening to adults lecture them about bullying and believe adults aren’t realistic about the problem or the solutions.

Bullying, when one person repeatedly abuses or threatens to abuse their power against another person, obviously occurs and has a profoundly negative impact on individual child’s life and overall school culture. Beyond this definition, I also think of bullying as stripping someone of their dignity, of their inherent worth, by attacking and/or humiliating someone based on a perceived inherent trait like their sexual orientation, their conformance to gender expectations, their religion, their socio-economic level, their race or a disability.

But if we really want to reach young people about bullying we have to acknowledge that the way we often teach bullying prevention is counter-productive for the following two reasons:

We talk about bullying as if it’s always one way; where there’s “the bully”, who is 100% guilty and “the target” who is 100% innocent. While of course those interactions occur and are critical to address, what children see more often is “drama” where peers are aggressive towards each other or the “target” is seen as doing something that has antagonized the “bully.” In both situations, the aggressor and their peers often don’t think they’re bullying the target. Instead, they believe they’re defending themselves or someone else by using the power and resources available to them. The consequences of drama can still be serious—a young person caught up in it can be really upset, isolated and distracted in school but to call it bullying is counterproductive if you want your students to be able to be self-reflective and shift their behavior.

We talk about bullying prevention as if it only happens between children. It is the very rare bullying program that acknowledges that bullying can occur between adults or adults to children. As in, it is entirely realistic to assume that the young people we work with observe or directly experience an adult at school bullying a child or another adult, a parent bullying a teacher or vice-versa, or any adult in the school abusing power over another. If we don’t include this possibility, we perpetuate young people’s belief that adults won’t look at our own behavior and hold ourselves accountable in a way that we demand from them.

So what can do we do about it? Here are some ideas.

Teach the difference between bullying and conflict or drama, respect both as possibly upsetting to people, and tie both to developing social competency.
Teach children that it’s not always possible to avoid conflict. Instead, conflict between people is inevitable and the goal is to handle that conflict competently while treating yourself and the other person with dignity.
Redefine how we advise “Talk to an adult” when a child has a problem and use it as a way to build social competency. When children identify that they are facing a problem too big for them to solve on their own, part of their self-care and strategy for solving the problem should be critically assessing which adult in their life will be the best advocate for them.
Closely tied to #3 is explicitly communicating to young people that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a skill that people use who want more control over their lives and the problems they face.
Apologize when we make a mistake. Even the best teachers can tease a student the wrong way or discipline the wrong child only to realize later that they made a mistake. It is profoundly meaningful for an adult to apologize to a young person by saying, “I’m sorry. I was wrong.” Yes, the child may respond with, “That’s ok, don’t worry about it.” Don’t be fooled. It can mean the difference between a disengaged student who would never ask a teacher for help again to an engaged learner who believes that there’s at least one adult in the school community that truly has his or her back.
Admit that any strategy, from “I messages” and “feedback sandwiches” or anything like it, comes across as probably weird and cheesy. We need to introduce bullying prevention and social competency strategies realistically:

Children usually react to bullying prevention methods with eye rolls. We have to be constantly looking for ways to authentically connect with our students and admit it when we miss the mark. Here’s what best works for me. I acknowledge that it can feel weird and cheesy to try the strategies I’m suggesting and then recently I compare the SEAL strategy I teach to preparing for a battle in a video game.

SEAL stands for the following:

Stop and Strategize where and when you’re going to speak to the person.

Explain what you don’t like and what you want.

Affirm your right to be treated with dignity and your responsibility to do the same and Acknowledge anything that you did that contributed to the problem.

Lock: lock in the friendship, lock it out or take a vacation.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but recently I had the miserable experience of failing in front of hundred and fifty middle school students in New Mexico. Thankfully they were nice children so they put up with sitting on bleachers in a gym for an hour listening to me talk to them about bullying and their friendship conflicts. But, I walked out with that sinking feeling that I had wasted their time.

For the next two weeks I thought about what I had missed. I also knew I had an upcoming opportunity to try again with another group of middle schoolers. As I said in the beginning, our work can be scary. I had failed a few weeks before so why was I putting myself in the line of fire again? Because, as I reminded myself, that’s what teachers do. We try, we fail, we think about how we need to teach better, and we try again. But I had an idea on how to improve based on recent conversations I had had with young people about video games.

Two weeks later I was in Omaha, NE and with a hundred middle school boys in a gym sitting on bleachers. This time we had the added challenge of the cheerleaders practicing on the other side of the wall. For my introduction to SEAL, this is what I said:

Me: When you’re preparing for a battle in a video game what do you do?

Hands shot up.

I get my best weapon!

I survey the land!

I put on my best armor!

I take my magical healing potions!

Me: Do you think about what your opponents’ possible counter strategies are?

YES!!!!

Me: Do you prepare thinking the battle is going to go exactly as you practiced?

All the boys said, No!

Me: No. You don’t go into the battle assuming it’s going to go perfectly and when it doesn’t you should just give up. You prepare by thinking about the possible counterstrikes. You go in as brave, smart and strong as possible. That’s how I’m asking you to think about preparing for a social conflict in real life. Except instead of the goal being to destroy the enemy, your goal is to speak your truth, face the situation courageously and don’t let the other person control the situation so you end up feeling bad and stupid or even worse you end up apologizing for even trying to face the problem.

The students didn’t respond with, Oh, I absolutely agree. I got something better. The feeling in the room was unmistakable. The kids were thinking and considering what I was suggesting.

The solution to getting our students’ “buy in” is in our hands but it’s scary. It requires a hard look at our own behavior. But we are only asking what we regularly ask our students to do. Take responsibility, hold yourself accountable and do the right thing when it’s hard. We are fighting for what matters the most: Our collective right to be treated with dignity.  If we do this, we will also convince the young people we work with and care for that we are competent and brave enough to stand by their side.

Originally posted on the ADL’s website Rosalind’s Classroom Conversations

 

Annoucement: New Partnership With The ADL – Anti-Defamation League

Here is the first article I’ve writing for my new partnership with the ADL – Anti-Defamation League . For years they’ve worked with children to show the connection between discrimination of all people. Every month I will write an article for educators specifically on challenges they see in class. This month’s article reflects the frustrations many people share with me that every conflict children get into now seems to be labeled bullying.