Mandi Ehman's Blog, page 48

Weekend reading: August 9, 2014

From Instagram: I finally said yes to Harry Potter.

I finally read Harry Potter last year, and I instantly fell in love with the characters, the stories and the magic of it all (you know, like the millions of people before me who didn’t wait 13 years to pick up the first book!).

Since that moment, our oldest — who is a voracious reader — has been begging me to let her read them. I was torn, because I know she’s going to breeze through them and I’m going to stop her at #4 for now, but as she approaches her 10th birthday, I decided she was ready.

To say it was love at first sight is an understatement. She laughs out loud, reads instead of watching TV (which is a huge deal with this TV-loving girl!) and carries them with her everywhere. She’s also put together an entire Hermione costume from things she’s found around the house, and I can’t really think of a female character I’d rather see her emulate.

It’s been fun to talk about the books and have that shared vocabulary, and she’s already started to pick up on just how many references there are to Harry Potter characters, places and events in popular culture, which was also one of my favorite discoveries after reading them myself.

Here are some of my favorite posts from this week. As always, check out what I’m reading and what I’m pinning to see the other posts that make me stop and think (or, you know, drool…). You’ll find new posts all week long!

Live your life

Goodbye, Sunday Morning Tea – Or, On Letting Good Things Go | The Happiest Home


Emma’s 5 Secrets to Success | A Beautiful Mess


I take the long way home. | Modern Mrs. Darcy

For every mother

A Surprise Party | The Offense Of Joy


To be called Mommy | Live Renewed


Can I See Your Belly Button? | Momastery

How kids learn

Psychologists Find a Surprising Thing Happens to Kids Who Read Harry Potter | Mic


How Family Game Night Makes Kids Into Better Students | The Atlantic


Why Kids Need Dirt | Paleo Parents

P.S. Are you an introvert? Do you know an introvert? Be sure to check out A Map of the Introvert’s Heart. Ah, Railroad of Canceled Plans, how I love thee!

Have a great weekend!

Mandi Ehman is the blogger behind Life Your Way. She and her husband have four beautiful girls plus one baby boy, and together they live, work and homeschool on a little slice of heaven in wild, wonderful West Virginia. Mandi loves coffee, chocolate, easy meals, beautiful things and minimalist spaces.

Weekend reading: August 9, 2014

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

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What a red dye sensitivity means for our family

It happens every few months.

As our oldest daughter rages and screams, one of our other girls will lean over and quietly say, “She had red food dye.”

Without fail, we discover that the rages are linked to that insidious dye…and yet, if I’m honest, it continues to catch me off guard.

We first made the connection between Red No. 40 and her emotional outbursts four years ago, when her rages were happening once or twice a week. For a while, we did our best to regulate what she ate without avoiding it completely. And then, one day — after she had eaten a red lollipop and after she had screamed hysterically at us, equally upset by the perceived injustice and her own out-of-control emotions — we explained our theory that red dye was the cause. From that moment, she took ownership of it, working with us to avoid red dye.

Occasionally our hypervigilance wears off. The intensity of the rages fade from our memory, and we begin to doubt whether red dye could really cause such reactions. She asks to try something with red dye (typically a treat from a holiday, birthday party or special occasion), and we say yes. Inevitably, the results are the same, and we all end up paying for that yes.

Then there was the time the rages started up again, almost every day during school. I initially attributed them to a bad attitude (she’s our most precocious child but our most reluctant schooler), then to tween hormones. As they continued, I began searching for some hidden red dye source.

It wasn’t until I was helping our 4-year-old brush her teeth that I realized I had accidentally bought hot pink toothpaste when they were out of the natural stuff we normally buy. It had been so long since I’d purchased conventional kids’ toothpaste that I had forgotten that it came in such colors. The tiny amount of red dye in her twice-daily toothpaste was enough to send her spinning out of control. Within a few days she was back to her normal self.

These days, she almost completely self-regulates, knowing that the way it makes her feel inside is just not worth that red lollipop. If I’m honest, she’s better at spotting the red dye in unexpected places than I am — quietly reminding me of its presence in rainbow sprinkles and checking the juice carton at a family get-together or the back of the Cheetos that a friend offers her at the park. She’s not afraid to tell a teacher or camp counselor that she can’t have red dye, and she does her best to choose to be happy even when she has to turn down treats.

I know red dye doesn’t affect all children the same, because our other three daughters don’t have any trouble with it. And if you’ve never experienced a red dye rage yourself, you might think I’m exaggerating.

But I’m not, and I’m increasingly frustrated by it.

I’m frustrated that Red No. 40 is found in everything from the candy and flavored yogurts (where you might expect to find it) to baked goods, medicines and salad dressings. It’s even found in some chocolate, cheese products and peanut butter-flavored snacks.

I’m frustrated that I have to read every single label of every single thing we buy just to check for this dye and that we can’t occasionally do a fun treat or enjoy food at a party or get-together without worrying about it’s presence.

I’m frustrated that “we” have bought into the idea that all food should be brightly, artificially colored instead of letting it maintain its natural colors. I mean, really, the chocolate isn’t “chocolate-y” enough on its own, so we need to add red dye?!

I’m frustrated that while manufacturers substitute natural dyes or eliminate the dyes altogether in many products in Europe (where they’re required to add warning labels to products containing food dyes), they have not been eliminated here. It’s possible to do so, but it’s not the most profitable option, so they just don’t.

I know from conversations with other people that we’re not the only family who deals with this. But I don’t have any solutions except to keep avoiding it and keep talking about it in the hopes that the manufacturers will get the message.

{Shared with Peyton’s permission.}

Has your family experienced a reaction — rages or hyperactivity — associated with red dye?

Mandi Ehman is the blogger behind Life Your Way. She and her husband have four beautiful girls plus one baby boy, and together they live, work and homeschool on a little slice of heaven in wild, wonderful West Virginia. Mandi loves coffee, chocolate, easy meals, beautiful things and minimalist spaces.

What a red dye sensitivity means for our family

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

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Stress-free fall cleaning

I don’t know what it is exactly about the approach of a new season that makes me want to clean and organize, but it happens every time. Each spring as I throw open the windows, I begin to purge and organized, and I get the same irresistible urge just months later as we march toward fall.

The crazy part is that I really do deep clean, declutter and reorganize spaces as needed all year long, but as we get ready to start school, I just have this desire for everything to be clean and clutter-free all at once. This year, that seasonal urge is heightened by the fact that we’re getting ready to list our home for sale (and want to be able to get it spotless for showings with as little notice as possible) and will — hopefully! — be packing to move sooner rather than later.

But that also means I’m working with limited time as Sean spends all of his time on house projects and I gear up for the re-release of Easy Homemade, the launch of the 101 Days of Christmas series and the start of the new school year.

So this year, rather than spending a few days deep cleaning or tackling one room a day over the course of a week or two, I’m working on tiny, tiny spaces as I’m able.

For example, the other day I had a few minutes free and I sat down and cleaned out the piano bench, organizing the books and throwing away loose paper. I only had 10 minutes to spare, but it felt good to get something done.

On another day I turned my attention to the tea and coffee shelves in the kitchen (my favorite space in the kitchen, by far!). Even though I didn’t have time to tackle the entire kitchen, I was able to get one of our hotspots cleaned up.

I will continue to tackle one little area at a time over the next few weeks in the hopes that our home will be clutter free and clean by the time we’re ready to list (and before we start Classical Conversations for the year).

Do you want to join me?!

I’ve put together a list of more than 70 tiny cleaning tasks for you to choose from. Which one can you knock out right now? No, seriously, right now!

{Share your progress on Instagram with #fallcleaningwithlyw!}

Click here to download a PDF version of the checklist.

Mandi Ehman is the blogger behind Life Your Way. She and her husband have four beautiful girls plus one baby boy, and together they live, work and homeschool on a little slice of heaven in wild, wonderful West Virginia. Mandi loves coffee, chocolate, easy meals, beautiful things and minimalist spaces.

Stress-free fall cleaning

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

     
CommentsThis is what we did earlier this year, when we were getting ... by HeatherWhat a great idea! I often look at the big picture and get so ... by HeatherRelated StoriesLife Your Way Monthly on Facebook & Spring Cleaning in AprilTreat Yourself to These Luxuries of Simplicity

A summer slump cure: Mixed Berry Slump Recipe

The following post is from Shaina of Food for My Family and Olmanson Photography:

This slump recipe combines all the berries you have on hand and bakes them together under a sweet cake for a deliciously summer dessert with minimal effort to master.

I was complaining to Mandi last week about my summer slump. We’ve reached this point where we’re farther from the last day of school than we are to the first day of school, but I still have a full calendar month separating me from the school year. The kids are wound up thinking about their classes and activities, high school sports have started and, along with them, carpooling to and fro, and there are still so many summer activities we’re trying to cram in.

All the while I’m dreaming of a peaceful morning spent sipping my coffee after my four head off to the first day, their school lunches swinging by their sides.

To be sure, I love summer and the heat and freedom that it brings and having my children running through the house. However, in the midst of trying to juggle being a successful parent and successful at my work I seem to have dropped half of the balls of either color, and we won’t even get started on the homemaking responsibilities that have slid under the bed and died right alongside the dust bunnies. The entire ball of wax seems rather overwhelming and unmanageable at times. Okay, all the time.

Alas, it is a summer slump. I’m working hard to gear up for the next four weeks. I want to go out on a high note with trips to the state fair for cheese curds and food on a stick. I want to bike around the lake a few more times and stop for ice cream at the halfway point. I long to dip my feet in the cold water of the northern-most lakes and listen to the sound of the canoe paddle breaking the water’s surface, for my children’s faces to light up as we come across wildlife and pick wild berries along the trail.

In order to get over my mid-summer slump, I made myself a slump of a different kind. This slump is part cake, part hot, steamy berries. It’s the last of the everbearing strawberries from our small garden patch, combined with foraged wild blackberries and our backyard raspberries all cooked under a soft cake-like topping that slumps as it bakes. A wonderful way to use up the last bits of berries that are perhaps a bit bruised or lacking in size or quantity. It’s custardy and cakey all at once, and it wants to be served with a big scoop of ice cream or just along on a plate in the backyard.

Mixed Berry Slump Recipe   Print Stewed summer berries are topped by a cake that is both custardy and cake-like in composition for an easy summer classic. Author: Shaina Olmanson | FoodforMyFamily.com Recipe type: dessert Serves: 8 Ingredients ½ tablespoon unsalted butter 4 cups berries of your choice, rinsed and dried ¼ cup + 3 tablespoons granulated sugar 1 cup all-purpose flour 1 12 teaspoons baking powder ¼ teaspoon salt ¾ cup milk 2 tablespoons melted butter 1 teaspoon vanilla extract Directions Preheat your oven to 375ºF. Grease a gratin dish or deep dish pie plate with the ½ tablespoon of butter. Pour the berries into the dish and sprinkle with 3 tablespoons of granulated sugar. You can add additional sugar if your berries are particularly tart. In a separate bowl, combine the remaining ¼ cup of sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt. Stir to mix, and then add in the milk, vanilla, and melted butter, stirring just until smooth. Pour the batter over the berries. Some berries may still show through. Bake for 35-40 minutes, until the top is golden brown. Remove from the oven and allow to cool slightly before serving. #version#

How do you manage the summer slump?

Shaina Olmanson is the freelance writer, photographer, and home cook behind Food for My Family. Cooking daily with and for her four kids and husband, Ole, drives her desire to inspire other families to do the same. Shaina is also the author of Desserts in Jars and contributes regularly to a variety of online sites and traditional print magazines.

A summer slump cure: Mixed Berry Slump Recipe

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

    Related StoriesHealthy, Dairy-Free Lactation CookiesStrawberry Rhubarb Walnut Crisp: Easy Summer DessertsDairy Free Apple-Cinnamon Oat Cakes

Summer Slump Cure: Mixed Berry Slump Recipe

The following post is from Shaina of Food for My Family and Olmanson Photography:

This slump recipe combines all the berries you have on hand and bakes them together under a sweet cake for a deliciously summer dessert with minimal effort to master.

I was complaining to Mandi last week about my summer slump. We’ve reached this point where we’re farther from the last day of school than we are to the first day of school, but I still have a full calendar month separating me from the school year. The kids are wound up thinking about their classes and activities, high school sports have started and, along with them, carpooling to and fro, and there are still so many summer activities we’re trying to cram in.

All the while I’m dreaming of a peaceful morning spent sipping my coffee after my four head off to the first day, their school lunches swinging by their sides.

To be sure, I love summer and the heat and freedom that it brings and having my children running through the house. However, in the midst of trying to juggle being a successful parent and successful at my work I seem to have dropped half of the balls of either color, and we won’t even get started on the homemaking responsibilities that have slid under the bed and died right alongside the dust bunnies. The entire ball of wax seems rather overwhelming and unmanageable at times. Okay, all the time.

Alas, it is a summer slump. I’m working hard to gear up for the next four weeks. I want to go out on a high note with trips to the state fair for cheese curds and food on a stick. I want to bike around the lake a few more times and stop for ice cream at the halfway point. I long to dip my feet in the cold water of the northern-most lakes and listen to the sound of the canoe paddle breaking the water’s surface, for my children’s faces to light up as we come across wildlife and pick wild berries along the trail.

In order to get over my mid-summer slump, I made myself a slump of a different kind. This slump is part cake, part hot, steamy berries. It’s the last of the everbearing strawberries from our small garden patch, combined with foraged wild blackberries and our backyard raspberries all cooked under a soft cake-like topping that slumps as it bakes. A wonderful way to use up the last bits of berries that are perhaps a bit bruised or lacking in size or quantity. It’s custardy and cakey all at once, and it wants to be served with a big scoop of ice cream or just along on a plate in the backyard.

Mixed Berry Slump Recipe   Print Stewed summer berries are topped by a cake that is both custardy and cake-like in composition for an easy summer classic. Author: Shaina Olmanson | FoodforMyFamily.com Recipe type: dessert Serves: 8 Ingredients ½ tablespoon unsalted butter 4 cups berries of your choice, rinsed and dried ¼ cup + 3 tablespoons granulated sugar 1 cup all-purpose flour 1 12 teaspoons baking powder ¼ teaspoon salt ¾ cup milk 2 tablespoons melted butter 1 teaspoon vanilla extract Directions Preheat your oven to 375ºF. Grease a gratin dish or deep dish pie plate with the ½ tablespoon of butter. Pour the berries into the dish and sprinkle with 3 tablespoons of granulated sugar. You can add additional sugar if your berries are particularly tart. In a separate bowl, combine the remaining ¼ cup of sugar, flour, baking powder, and salt. Stir to mix, and then add in the milk, vanilla, and melted butter, stirring just until smooth. Pour the batter over the berries. Some berries may still show through. Bake for 35-40 minutes, until the top is golden brown. Remove from the oven and allow to cool slightly before serving. #version#

How do you manage the summer slump?

Shaina Olmanson is the freelance writer, photographer, and home cook behind Food for My Family. Cooking daily with and for her four kids and husband, Ole, drives her desire to inspire other families to do the same. Shaina is also the author of Desserts in Jars and contributes regularly to a variety of online sites and traditional print magazines.

Summer Slump Cure: Mixed Berry Slump Recipe

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

    Related StoriesHealthy, Dairy-Free Lactation CookiesStrawberry Rhubarb Walnut Crisp: Easy Summer DessertsDairy Free Apple-Cinnamon Oat Cakes

Question of the Day: What’s most important to you in a home?

Despite my attempts to stick my head in the sand, we’ve begun looking at houses with our agent to get a feel for what is available and what is important to us in a home.

Yesterday I realized that I really only have a few requirements and that I could happily say yes to anything that meets these:

No more than 1,800-2,000 square feet. We’ve come across a few “deals” for larger homes, but I really do not want any more space. I like having a smaller home (that would have felt huge 50 years ago, if we’re honest!) and I think having more space would just end up meaning more space to store junk. If we weren’t home together all day every day, we could probably go even smaller, but we would still like to have room to spread out during the day.


A piano/homeschool room. We currently do school at the kitchen table and practice piano in the middle of the house, both of which work fine but could be better. I don’t want a school room to confine the kids to during school but simply as a home base for our homeschooling books, supplies, etc. And as piano practice takes more and more time for each of the girls, a piano room where the sound can be somewhat contained sounds perfect (no pun intended!).


An interesting lot. I have been mourning the loss of our acreage a bit, and while we may still be able to find acreage closer to town, I realized yesterday that the girls don’t necessarily need a huge amount of land just as long as the land we do have is interesting. One of the lots we looked at had tons of trees and a steep hill on the side, and the girls were in heaven running around, collecting sticks, planning out a fort, etc.

Today I want to know…what is your most important house criteria?

Is it size? Layout? Does your current home meet that criteria, or is it something you realized you wanted after moving? What did you think was important but later realized didn’t matter all that much?

{Click here to join the conversation.}

Mandi Ehman is the blogger behind Life Your Way. She and her husband have four beautiful girls plus one baby boy, and together they live, work and homeschool on a little slice of heaven in wild, wonderful West Virginia. Mandi loves coffee, chocolate, easy meals, beautiful things and minimalist spaces.

Question of the Day: What’s most important to you in a home?

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

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Managing your business’s slow season

The following post is from Katie of Making This Home and Gadanke:

This time of year is always our slowest sales season at the Gadanke journal shop. Chances are, if you are a blogger or retailer outside of tourism, it’s your slower season, too. From a business perspective, this quieter time is a huge blessing. That sounds crazy, I know. A slower season means less money. But here’s why I’m so thankful for this season:

1. A slow season brings fresh perspective for evaluating your work.

Here’s your chance to step back and look at your business. What’s working? What could work better? I remember the panic I felt in my first year when sales dipped during my slow time. I quickly found that the slower time was the perfect respite. I mentally evaluated our entire journal production process (everything is handmade here), and I quickly saw where we had room to improve. I got us better tools, sourced a nicer 100% recycled paper, and updated a few writing prompt journals.

2. Use the slow season as an opportunity to learn as much as you can.

Here is your chance to improve your skills and learn new things. Order a few books online, find a new blog, or listen to podcasts. (I recently started listening to The Lively Show with Jess Lively, while my husband is learning the programming language, Django.) I’m also getting brighter, more attractive photographs snapped of products, like I did with our best-selling baby journal.

3. Try new things during your slow season.

Test that social media idea you’ve always wanted to tinker with. This year, I ramped up Gadanke’s presence on Facebook. I’m finding what works best for me and what my customers most enjoy. Then when school starts and people start reaching more for their Gadanke journals, I have these storycatching resources established. Posting useful nuggets and prompts will already be a regular part of my routine.

4. Use the slow season to stock up, plan your strategy, and get ahead.

Running a handmade shop makes this aspect of the slow season essential to my business’s success. We restock our inventory with products people love (like the mother-daughter journal) and phase out older products and color variants to keep Gadanke fresh. It’s a great time to plan your editorial calendars, marketing plans, and update your online content for the coming months.

5. Enjoy yourself.

This one might just be the hardest of all. Embrace this place you’re in. Keep working, of course. But know that this is your chance to enjoy where you’re at. Spend a little extra time with your family. Play in the kitchen more. Ride your bike. Read novels. You know – do more of what’s fun. You can work soon enough.

How do you make the most of your slow season?

Katie Clemons is a storycatcher and journal crafter. She helps people celebrate their stories with her award-winning writing prompt journals at Gadanke. She also blogs at Making This Home about simple, handmade living from a vintage airplane hangar in Montana.

Managing your business’s slow season

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

     
CommentsThank you so much for this encouraging post! My husband's ... by Heather @ My Overflowing Cup 

Weekend reading: August 2, 2014

From Instagram: First soccer practice of the season! {You know those families that have perfectly styled hair and adorable outfits wherever they go? Yeah, we’re not them.}

It’s been several years since our oldest played Upward soccer and none of our other girls have played a team sport yet, so this year — despite the craziness that has been our summer — we signed the three big girls up. {Our almost 5-year-old is just excited to tag along — ha!}

Right now, I’m actually looking forward to spending Monday evenings and Saturday mornings at the soccer field, where there’s a fun playground and plenty of grass for Jackson to explore. Let’s see how I feel in September when we’re juggling soccer, Classical Conversations and American Heritage Girls, though!

Here are some of my favorite posts from this week. As always, check out what I’m reading and what I’m pinning to see the other posts that make me stop and think (or, you know, drool…). You’ll find new posts all week long!

Own Your Life

How to Master the Art of Living | ZenHabits


Do You Own Your Failures More Than Your Successes? | Storyline Blog


It’s only high school if you let it | Seth’s Blog

The Joy of Community

A Thousand Ways to Gather | The Common Table


Come out of your shell | The Art of Simple

Jesus, Religion & Apathy

4 Things Jesus Didn’t Die For | Made for More


The Truth About Religion | We are THAT Family


If Evil has a best friend, it’s Apathy. | Jamie the Very Worst Missionary

And be sure to read this post. I think you’re gonna want to delete the Facebook Messenger app if you’ve already downloaded it: The Insidiousness of Facebook Messenger’s Mobile App Terms of Service.

Have a great weekend!

Mandi Ehman is the blogger behind Life Your Way. She and her husband have four beautiful girls plus one baby boy, and together they live, work and homeschool on a little slice of heaven in wild, wonderful West Virginia. Mandi loves coffee, chocolate, easy meals, beautiful things and minimalist spaces.

Weekend reading: August 2, 2014

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

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Building a modular home {a look back at our building process}

This month marks seven years since we moved into our home, and as we prepare to list it for sale, I’m feeling a bit nostalgic. Although I’ve done a home tour before (and will do an updated one sometime this month), I’ve never really talked about the building process, which was quite the experience itself!

In 2007, we broke ground the last week of June and officially moved in on September 4th. Crazy, right? Our home is a modular, and it was built in a factory in just a couple of weeks and then assembled after it was delivered to our property.

During the building process, we made regular visits to our land to explore and watch their progress, and I can’t believe how tiny our big girls were in these pictures.

Once the well, septic, basement and driveway were ready, the house was delivered:

One day they delivered the downstairs (the white film on the left is the patio door).

And the next they delivered the upstairs, setting all four boxes side by side in the cul-de-sac (which we affectionately refer to as “the big circle”).

It was so weird to walk through the house while it was unassembled, and the extra wooden beams in between the sections made it hard to picture what the final house would look like.

A few days later we drove back out to watch the crew assemble the boxes. Much to the horror of our parents and the crew, I climbed this ladder at 7 months pregnant because I couldn’t bear to wait outside while my family went inside to explore! I promise I was careful.

Modular homes are usually finished when they’re delivered — with flooring and doors and stair railings — but since we wanted to do a lot of custom work, we did the finish work ourselves. (I say “we”, but I didn’t do anything.)

The crew — which travels around assembling modulars — attached and drywalled the seams between the four pieces and finished the painting.

Once that was done, Sean dedicated every spare moment outside of work to finishing the rest. He installed the kitchen and bathrooms while our local crew worked on the porch.

Finally, after a month of weekly visits, we were ready to move in.

And then this happened. Fortunately, the farmers next door saw the truck get stuck and brought over a tractor to help pull us out.

Because there was no permitting required in our county at the time, we actually moved in before the house was ready. We didn’t have power (until my dad was finally able to get someone to pull some strings on our behalf and get the power crew out to hook up the lines ten days earlier than they anticipated!), so we used a generator for the basics.

The floor, stair rails, porch and landscaping also hadn’t been finished. Oh, yeah, and I was two weeks away from delivering our third daughter at this point!

Despite the craziness of moving into an unfinished home with two toddlers at 8.5 months pregnant, I look back at this time with so much fondness. We were so excited to be in the house, and we had so much fun exploring our neighborhood. And Sean continued to work his tale off finishing the house, so every day brought progress!

After seven years, our house has changed a lot as we’ve figured out what does and doesn’t work, so watch for the updated tour soon!

Mandi Ehman is the blogger behind Life Your Way. She and her husband have four beautiful girls plus one baby boy, and together they live, work and homeschool on a little slice of heaven in wild, wonderful West Virginia. Mandi loves coffee, chocolate, easy meals, beautiful things and minimalist spaces.

Building a modular home {a look back at our building process}

© 2010-2014 Purple Martin Press, LLC | All rights reserved

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Why we’re teaching our kids to ask for forgiveness

The following post is from Emily of Live Renewed:

You’ve probably seen the situation many times: one kid hurts another child so their parent takes them aside for a talk. They tell the kid it’s not nice to hit (or kick, spit, bite, hurt feelings, etc.) and ask them to say they are sorry to the child that they hurt.

The offender hangs his head, mumbles a barely audible, “I’m sorry.” The other kid says, “It’s okay.” And they move on, sometimes continuing to play without skipping a beat, other times avoiding each other with shame or anger in their eyes.

For a long time, this was how we parented our kids too, but I’ve come to realize that there is something really missing from this exchange: the importance of asking for forgiveness. And this is not just true of this situation when kids are involved, but also with us as adults when we hurt one another.

Because honestly, is it really okay that a kid hits, as long as he apologizes afterward? Or if a spouse speaks harshly to their husband or wife and then apologizes and the spouse says, “It’s okay,” is it really?

While I do think it’s important to teach our children to be quick to apologize if they have hurt or offended someone, we can’t just stop there. When we say “I’m sorry” and leave it at that, expecting the other person to respond, it’s kinda like throwing a ball of fire at them and expecting them to catch it. We use saying we’re sorry to absolve us of our responsibility in the matter, and place it on the other person to deal with it.

I started to ask myself what the appropriate response is when someone says “I’m sorry”. It’s not a question, but a statement, so it doesn’t necessarily require an answer. And is it right to say it’s okay, when really it’s not okay?

Of course you can always forgive someone even if they haven’t asked for forgiveness, but I think there is something important lost in the relationship when we don’t ask for forgiveness. How do we rebuild the relationship between the offender and the offended? Does a passing “I’m sorry” and “It’s okay” do anything to repair the relationship? I would say probably not. There is a big difference between saying saying “It’s okay” and “I forgive you”; they are not the same thing.

Instead, we have started teaching our kids that after they apologize for wronging another person, they also need to ask for their forgiveness. “I’m sorry” is followed by, “Will you forgive me?”

And while I’m teaching my kids to ask for forgiveness, I’m learning the importance of asking for it myself. Whether I have hurt my kids or my husband with my words or actions, I also need to ask them to forgive me. My kids are modeling this for me, and I’m modeling it for them.

Asking for forgiveness can be hard. It’s very humbling. It’s not just saying you’re sorry and moving on, but truly acknowledging and taking responsibility for the way you have hurt or offended another person.

Asking for forgiveness gives the person who was hurt the choice to forgive or not forgive. They don’t have to think or say that what happened is okay, but they can accept the apology and offer forgiveness even though what that person did was wrong.

In our family’s experience though, asking for forgiveness also softens the heart of the person who was hurt. It hard to look someone in the eyes who is asking for your forgiveness and say, “No, I don’t forgive you!” But we do let our kids decide whether they choose to forgive each other or not, and we also teach them about the importance of forgiveness; even if they’re not ready to forgive right away, they need to come back and let the other person know when they are ready.

Asking for forgiveness is the first step toward repairing the relationship after it has been hurt. Forgiveness builds trust back into a relationship. When an offender asks for forgiveness it shows that they are trying to restore the relationship. It’s hard to stay mad at someone when they have asked for your forgiveness. If you do, you have to be careful that you’re not holding a grudge and building up a hardness in your heart. You have an active role in the restoration of the relationship, not just to brush an offense off with, “It’s okay”, but the choice to forgive or not forgive

Asking for forgiveness is so important both for the offender and for the offended. It softens and changes hearts and restores relationships.

After all, isn’t forgiveness at the very heart of what we believe as Christians? Aren’t we following in the footsteps of the one who has called us to forgive others as He has forgiven us? And when we ask for, and receive His forgiveness our relationship is restored and built even stronger. How can I expect my kids to understand and ask for forgiveness from their Heavenly Father if they can’t ask for it from each other? And how can I expect them to understand the forgiveness they have received through Christ if I don’t model it for them?

And so, we teach our kids and expect them to ask for forgiveness after they apologize when they have hurt someone with their words or actions. It is building the relationships in our family — and most importantly, our relationships with Jesus — in the most humbling and beautiful way.

How do you teach your kids the importance of asking for and receiving forgiveness from others? 

Emily McClements is passionate about living with compassion and caring for creation in a way that will impact the world. She is a blessed wife and mama to three young children, and blogs about her family’s journey toward natural and simple living at Live Renewed.

Why we’re teaching our kids to ask for forgiveness

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