Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 88
April 23, 2015
Bites, and Sniffles, and Other Joys of Spring
http://www.4countymall.com/mark-hunte...
Spring makes me giddy, dizzy, my heart skips—or possibly, it’s my allergies.
There’s no such thing as the perfect time of the year. Having said that, a bad day in summer is better than a good day in winter, and if you don’t believe me, ask a meteorologist. Do you know that of all assaults on forecasters, 95% happen during winter? This year, Boston weathermen had to go into the witness protection program.
The other 5% happen during heat waves, which proves my earlier point.
In spring, exhausted sprouts poke through the slush, and hungry deer stop shivering for the first time since November. Those who weren’t hit by cars, I mean. People love flowers, and deer—that aren’t in their driving path. People don’t love mosquitos, but they also come out every spring. Deer don’t love mosquitos. Nobody loves mosquitos. Other mosquitos, I suppose.
Yet there they are, and I’d rather be bitten by fifty mosquitos than experience the definition of “wind chill factor”. It’s a comparative thing, but it’s not apples and oranges: It’s liver and Brussels sprouts. I’d rather eat fifty Brussels sprouts than one piece of liver, but that doesn’t mean I like them.
During a trip to Missouri, I discovered after about a dozen bites that I was allergic to their mosquitos, which are just like ours but talk like Mark Twain. As I lay there suffering, I thought: “Hey … I’m not cold!” Granted, I was running a 101 degree fever at the time, but still.
I got tested a few years ago, and found out I was allergic to every substance humans can be allergic to. (Except foods. I have no explanation.) That would seem to make summer a bad thing, because that’s when the allergens come out. Coming into contact with many things causes a severe reaction: Bugs, mold, dust, bikini ladies …
Well, my wife said I’d suffer if I came into contact with bikini ladies, so that pretty much qualifies as an allergy.
But it turns out I’m also allergic to winter. I’d always said that, but now I have medical proof: the diagnosis of Seasonal Affected Disorder, which means the short, cold days of winter make me feel lousy. This has probably been a problem from the first time humans ventured north to cross the land bridge into America:
“I just don’t feel like getting out from under the bearskin.”
“Ogg, you have mastodons to hunt and cave drawings to—draw. Now, get out there or it will get glacial in here!”
At least they didn’t have to do spring cleaning for another 30,000 years.
Another complaint about warm weather is, of course, that it gets too warm. “You can put on clothes when it’s cold,” people say, “but you can’t take off clothes when it’s too hot.”
What, you’ve never heard of nudist colonies? No one has ever frozen to death at a nudist colony, yet many people wearing layers upon layers have frozen to death in winter. At the same time, many people have been known to suffer heat related injuries in December … although I’ll grant you most of those people were in Australia.
Then there are tornadoes. Although twisters can happen any time of the year, in northern Indiana they’re most common while you’re grilling at the picnic, rather than shoveling snow. Can you imagine the drifts? That should be the next Syfy original movie: “Snow Tornado”, staring Pauly Shore and Shannen Doherty. “Watch as Corey Feldman’s frozen body gets sucked into an ice funnel!” I’d watch it.
But again, no one has ever frozen to death during a tornado. In fact, the average tornado is around five hundred feet across and on the ground for five miles, while the average snowstorm named by The Weather Channel lasts three weeks and affects 93 million people in nineteen states, and hits Boston twice.
Also, tornadoes give some relief in heat waves. According to my calculations, on a 90 degree day a three hundred mile an hour wind produces a wind chill factor of 64.2 degrees. That’s close to perfect. Granted, there will be issues with holding down your picnic, but I’ll bet no ants show up.
In short, I wasn’t crazy when I got in my car the other day and gave a happy cheer at becoming uncomfortable warm before I turned the heater on. I love Indiana two-thirds of the time. Insect bites, heat exhaustion, and uncontrollable sneezing are just part of the charm.
If you don’t believe me, ask the guy who slipped on the ice last January, got buried in a snow drift, and couldn’t reach his phone because it was under five layers of clothes. I mean, if you can find him.
Spring makes me giddy, dizzy, my heart skips—or possibly, it’s my allergies.
There’s no such thing as the perfect time of the year. Having said that, a bad day in summer is better than a good day in winter, and if you don’t believe me, ask a meteorologist. Do you know that of all assaults on forecasters, 95% happen during winter? This year, Boston weathermen had to go into the witness protection program.
The other 5% happen during heat waves, which proves my earlier point.
In spring, exhausted sprouts poke through the slush, and hungry deer stop shivering for the first time since November. Those who weren’t hit by cars, I mean. People love flowers, and deer—that aren’t in their driving path. People don’t love mosquitos, but they also come out every spring. Deer don’t love mosquitos. Nobody loves mosquitos. Other mosquitos, I suppose.
Yet there they are, and I’d rather be bitten by fifty mosquitos than experience the definition of “wind chill factor”. It’s a comparative thing, but it’s not apples and oranges: It’s liver and Brussels sprouts. I’d rather eat fifty Brussels sprouts than one piece of liver, but that doesn’t mean I like them.
During a trip to Missouri, I discovered after about a dozen bites that I was allergic to their mosquitos, which are just like ours but talk like Mark Twain. As I lay there suffering, I thought: “Hey … I’m not cold!” Granted, I was running a 101 degree fever at the time, but still.
I got tested a few years ago, and found out I was allergic to every substance humans can be allergic to. (Except foods. I have no explanation.) That would seem to make summer a bad thing, because that’s when the allergens come out. Coming into contact with many things causes a severe reaction: Bugs, mold, dust, bikini ladies …
Well, my wife said I’d suffer if I came into contact with bikini ladies, so that pretty much qualifies as an allergy.
But it turns out I’m also allergic to winter. I’d always said that, but now I have medical proof: the diagnosis of Seasonal Affected Disorder, which means the short, cold days of winter make me feel lousy. This has probably been a problem from the first time humans ventured north to cross the land bridge into America:
“I just don’t feel like getting out from under the bearskin.”
“Ogg, you have mastodons to hunt and cave drawings to—draw. Now, get out there or it will get glacial in here!”
At least they didn’t have to do spring cleaning for another 30,000 years.
Another complaint about warm weather is, of course, that it gets too warm. “You can put on clothes when it’s cold,” people say, “but you can’t take off clothes when it’s too hot.”
What, you’ve never heard of nudist colonies? No one has ever frozen to death at a nudist colony, yet many people wearing layers upon layers have frozen to death in winter. At the same time, many people have been known to suffer heat related injuries in December … although I’ll grant you most of those people were in Australia.
Then there are tornadoes. Although twisters can happen any time of the year, in northern Indiana they’re most common while you’re grilling at the picnic, rather than shoveling snow. Can you imagine the drifts? That should be the next Syfy original movie: “Snow Tornado”, staring Pauly Shore and Shannen Doherty. “Watch as Corey Feldman’s frozen body gets sucked into an ice funnel!” I’d watch it.
But again, no one has ever frozen to death during a tornado. In fact, the average tornado is around five hundred feet across and on the ground for five miles, while the average snowstorm named by The Weather Channel lasts three weeks and affects 93 million people in nineteen states, and hits Boston twice.
Also, tornadoes give some relief in heat waves. According to my calculations, on a 90 degree day a three hundred mile an hour wind produces a wind chill factor of 64.2 degrees. That’s close to perfect. Granted, there will be issues with holding down your picnic, but I’ll bet no ants show up.
In short, I wasn’t crazy when I got in my car the other day and gave a happy cheer at becoming uncomfortable warm before I turned the heater on. I love Indiana two-thirds of the time. Insect bites, heat exhaustion, and uncontrollable sneezing are just part of the charm.
If you don’t believe me, ask the guy who slipped on the ice last January, got buried in a snow drift, and couldn’t reach his phone because it was under five layers of clothes. I mean, if you can find him.
April 22, 2015
New Book, New Reviews
You know what I like? Well, yeah, Mountain Dew. Okay, sleep, I like sleep. But in this case, I like when my new book gets reviews before it’s technically even published:
http://www.amazon.com/Slightly-off-Ma...
Okay, it’s technically published. Let’s now make it officially published. (I also like chocolate.)
http://www.amazon.com/Slightly-off-Ma...
Okay, it’s technically published. Let’s now make it officially published. (I also like chocolate.)
April 21, 2015
A Publishing Surprise Or Two
Now, I’m not the type to jump the gun—I mean, that gun might be loaded! Still, if you should happen to wander over to my Amazon author page, you might find some ahead-of-time surprises that even I wasn’t expecting.
http://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/e...
Okay, maybe I am the type to jump the gun. But I’d put the safety on.
http://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/e...
Okay, maybe I am the type to jump the gun. But I’d put the safety on.
April 19, 2015
Trying to be more a-pealing
Please spread the word about The No-Campfire Girls, and leave a review on Amazon, Goodreads, your blog, wherever, if you’ve read the book. (If you haven’t read it, pass it along to yourself!) Just 99 cents on Kindle, with half the proceeds going to support Girl Scout Camp Latonka.
http://www.amazon.com/No-Campfire-Gir...
http://www.amazon.com/No-Campfire-Gir...
April 17, 2015
Dropping Prices, Rising Donations
We’ve dropped the e-book price on The No-Campfire Girls from $1.50 to 99 cents, to celebrate the May 1st release of my humor book, Slightly Off the Mark! The print copy of our summer camp story remains $5.00, but if you’re hesitant to give us too much money, then hear this:
One third of the proceeds from The No-Campfire Girls was going to support Camp Latonka, the Missouri Girl Scout facility Emily called home for many years. That is now increased: Half of all profits from the book will go to maintenance and support costs to keep the camp operating. Can’t afford the five bucks you’d spend on some fancy Starbucks drink that will make you die young? Then get an e-book for what you’d spend on a vending machine can of pop that will make you die young!
So read about the story and get it here:
http://www.amazon.com/No-Campfire-Gir...
Or read about all my stories and get them here:
http://markrhunter.com/books.html
Don’t forget to leave a review, retweet, repost, pass it on, support the Scouts! Or at least support our writing costs. I’m cool with that.
One third of the proceeds from The No-Campfire Girls was going to support Camp Latonka, the Missouri Girl Scout facility Emily called home for many years. That is now increased: Half of all profits from the book will go to maintenance and support costs to keep the camp operating. Can’t afford the five bucks you’d spend on some fancy Starbucks drink that will make you die young? Then get an e-book for what you’d spend on a vending machine can of pop that will make you die young!
So read about the story and get it here:
http://www.amazon.com/No-Campfire-Gir...
Or read about all my stories and get them here:
http://markrhunter.com/books.html
Don’t forget to leave a review, retweet, repost, pass it on, support the Scouts! Or at least support our writing costs. I’m cool with that.
April 14, 2015
Book Review: Shades of Gray (Amaranthine Book 1)
You can forgive Katelina if she thinks the murder of her boyfriend Patrick is the worst thing that could happen to her. Or she may have thought that, before she’s torn out of her life by the mysterious Jorick, and discovers her association with Patrick has made her hunted—by vampires.
In “Shades of Gray (Amaranthine Book 1)”, Katelina is plunged into a nightmare, unable to contact friends or family, separated from home and work. Worse, her only protector is also a vampire, and he’s way more dangerous than the sparkly sort.
Joleene Naylor’s first Amaranthine book goes back to the good old days of vampires: They’re vile, merciless, and see humans as only food or slaves, just as vampires should. And although Jorick does seem to be one of the (or maybe the only) good ones, “good” is relative in this series’ cold, gory world. The first book is dark and violent—and well told—and hints and big things to come.
I did have trouble with the main character's inaction, but not because she wasn’t written well—far from it. Katelina spends much of the book in a state of shock, and who wouldn’t? Terrible things happen to her at every turn. So, while Katelina’s struggles with helplessness and hopelessness aren’t something I enjoyed, they came because Naylor stayed true to her character, rather than giving her an unbelievable transformation into an action hero halfway through. Just the same, I hope Katelina catches some breaks in future books!
In “Shades of Gray (Amaranthine Book 1)”, Katelina is plunged into a nightmare, unable to contact friends or family, separated from home and work. Worse, her only protector is also a vampire, and he’s way more dangerous than the sparkly sort.
Joleene Naylor’s first Amaranthine book goes back to the good old days of vampires: They’re vile, merciless, and see humans as only food or slaves, just as vampires should. And although Jorick does seem to be one of the (or maybe the only) good ones, “good” is relative in this series’ cold, gory world. The first book is dark and violent—and well told—and hints and big things to come.
I did have trouble with the main character's inaction, but not because she wasn’t written well—far from it. Katelina spends much of the book in a state of shock, and who wouldn’t? Terrible things happen to her at every turn. So, while Katelina’s struggles with helplessness and hopelessness aren’t something I enjoyed, they came because Naylor stayed true to her character, rather than giving her an unbelievable transformation into an action hero halfway through. Just the same, I hope Katelina catches some breaks in future books!
April 11, 2015
More proof I'm Slightly off the Mark
We’re making some corrections to the “Slightly off the Mark” cover (by which I mean Emily is), but that’s okay—we want it to be as good as possible. “Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights” and “The No-Campfire Girls” both took three proofs before we had it right.
That’ll for sure push the release date back to early May, but I can still look on it as a spring gift.
Soon they'll be published, and we'll have to change the title. It's always something.
That’ll for sure push the release date back to early May, but I can still look on it as a spring gift.
Soon they'll be published, and we'll have to change the title. It's always something.
April 6, 2015
Pining Away Over Smoke
It’s not workable to wear air packs at wildland fires, but you can usually stay out of the worst of the smoke if you’re careful. I wasn’t.
Sunday we responded to a fire that burned into a field and a pine woods. After getting the brush truck stuck (my 4WD success ratio sucks) I ended up in the woods, and underestimated the amount of smoke while working my way to the front of the fire.
It wasn’t too bad … except it appears that one of my many allergies is pine trees, and the smoke was from burning pine wood and needles. I spent all day Monday with a sore throat, raspy breath, wheezing, irritated eyes, and itchy skin. It was like watching a political debate. But I slept through most of it (the allergies, not the debate—well, the debate too), because that’s what Benadryl does to me.
So from a “routine” ground cover fire I got smoke inhalation, while another firefighter had singed hair, and a third a cut head. What lesson do we take from this?
You never know what’s going to go wrong. Not an original lesson, but still.
Sunday we responded to a fire that burned into a field and a pine woods. After getting the brush truck stuck (my 4WD success ratio sucks) I ended up in the woods, and underestimated the amount of smoke while working my way to the front of the fire.
It wasn’t too bad … except it appears that one of my many allergies is pine trees, and the smoke was from burning pine wood and needles. I spent all day Monday with a sore throat, raspy breath, wheezing, irritated eyes, and itchy skin. It was like watching a political debate. But I slept through most of it (the allergies, not the debate—well, the debate too), because that’s what Benadryl does to me.
So from a “routine” ground cover fire I got smoke inhalation, while another firefighter had singed hair, and a third a cut head. What lesson do we take from this?
You never know what’s going to go wrong. Not an original lesson, but still.
April 5, 2015
Happy Easter, Use Your Signall
“With love for mankind and hatred of sins.” – St. Augustine.
In other words, love the sinner, hate the sin.
It seems black and white, but it covers an area vast and gray as a Midwest winter. Love? Do we love Hitler? Michael Vick? The Kardashians? All the Kardashians?
And how do you define a sin, anyway? Some people think it’s a sin to start a sentence with a conjunction. Hopefully they hate my sentences, not me. I think it’s a sin to make a turn without signaling, but I don’t want to blow up those drivers—just their cars.
In Indiana we’ve had just a bit of discussion on the subject, lately. I’m not going to address it because, as I mentioned previously, no one cares to listen to the other side. Instead, I’ll address another sin, which is that no one cares to listen to the other side.
There are bad people in the world. Call them sinners, or whatever you want. But here’s the thing: Most of the people you and I disagree with are not bad people. We just have different opinions. You may think there’s nothing wrong with making a turn without signaling. I think it’s a sin, and your car engine should explode and leave you stranded by a dead skunk carcass. Neither of us is bad, even if one of us in wrong. (It’s the stinky guy.)
So, while the issues may be complicated, and the differences may (or may not) be insurmountable, that doesn’t mean we can’t get along. There are more important things than whether that uncaring bum uses his turn signal. I’d like to think that, at the end of the day, he realized the world’s problems were too big for him to worry about why that guy behind him honked and waved with one finger.
The Bible has some pretty strict definitions of sin, and punishment for sinners. Then Jesus came along and said, “Hey, lighten up—good people do bad things. We should still care for them.” (I’m paraphrasing.) I’d be a poor Christian if I didn’t try to live up to that. Besides, we’re all sinners. You think it’s not a sin that I want to blow up perfectly good cars?
On Easter and every day, let’s try to keep that in mind. Debate, but don’t hate. Hey, I like that … I wonder if it’s been copyrighted? I don’t want to give it up to that guy who doesn’t know how to find the turn signal switch.
In other words, love the sinner, hate the sin.
It seems black and white, but it covers an area vast and gray as a Midwest winter. Love? Do we love Hitler? Michael Vick? The Kardashians? All the Kardashians?
And how do you define a sin, anyway? Some people think it’s a sin to start a sentence with a conjunction. Hopefully they hate my sentences, not me. I think it’s a sin to make a turn without signaling, but I don’t want to blow up those drivers—just their cars.
In Indiana we’ve had just a bit of discussion on the subject, lately. I’m not going to address it because, as I mentioned previously, no one cares to listen to the other side. Instead, I’ll address another sin, which is that no one cares to listen to the other side.
There are bad people in the world. Call them sinners, or whatever you want. But here’s the thing: Most of the people you and I disagree with are not bad people. We just have different opinions. You may think there’s nothing wrong with making a turn without signaling. I think it’s a sin, and your car engine should explode and leave you stranded by a dead skunk carcass. Neither of us is bad, even if one of us in wrong. (It’s the stinky guy.)
So, while the issues may be complicated, and the differences may (or may not) be insurmountable, that doesn’t mean we can’t get along. There are more important things than whether that uncaring bum uses his turn signal. I’d like to think that, at the end of the day, he realized the world’s problems were too big for him to worry about why that guy behind him honked and waved with one finger.
The Bible has some pretty strict definitions of sin, and punishment for sinners. Then Jesus came along and said, “Hey, lighten up—good people do bad things. We should still care for them.” (I’m paraphrasing.) I’d be a poor Christian if I didn’t try to live up to that. Besides, we’re all sinners. You think it’s not a sin that I want to blow up perfectly good cars?
On Easter and every day, let’s try to keep that in mind. Debate, but don’t hate. Hey, I like that … I wonder if it’s been copyrighted? I don’t want to give it up to that guy who doesn’t know how to find the turn signal switch.
April 2, 2015
Make Love, Not Fire
Hopefully today’s rain will cut down on ground cover fires for awhile, and hopefully without severe storms. And hopefully without an earthquake, like Missouri just had. Worst case scenario: an earthquake during a forest fire, with a funnel cloud touching down to make a fire tornado. The scary part is that it could happen.
But remember, folks: Just because the ground is still wet doesn’t mean we can’t have ground cover fires. Dead foliage from over the winter dries out quickly, and until things green up later in the spring it can ignite easily—sometimes within hours of a rain. I’ve seen flames burn through a swamp, right over standing water.
In fact, fires this time of year can be even worse, because brush, grass, and fields still burn, but the ground can be too wet for four wheel drive brush trucks to reach the flames. Firefighters have to walk to the fire with hand tools, or wait for the flames to reach their positions close to the road. Waiting means the fire gets bigger, and there’s a chance it might reach and damage buildings or vehicles.
So don’t burn in windy conditions, have a cleared area around whatever you’re burning, and watch the fire until it’s completely out. If in doubt, don't do it.
Not being in a burning building doesn't make it safe: Firefighters have suffered smoke inhalation, heat exhaustion, falls, burns, and being hit by vehicles at grass and field fires.
But remember, folks: Just because the ground is still wet doesn’t mean we can’t have ground cover fires. Dead foliage from over the winter dries out quickly, and until things green up later in the spring it can ignite easily—sometimes within hours of a rain. I’ve seen flames burn through a swamp, right over standing water.
In fact, fires this time of year can be even worse, because brush, grass, and fields still burn, but the ground can be too wet for four wheel drive brush trucks to reach the flames. Firefighters have to walk to the fire with hand tools, or wait for the flames to reach their positions close to the road. Waiting means the fire gets bigger, and there’s a chance it might reach and damage buildings or vehicles.
So don’t burn in windy conditions, have a cleared area around whatever you’re burning, and watch the fire until it’s completely out. If in doubt, don't do it.
Not being in a burning building doesn't make it safe: Firefighters have suffered smoke inhalation, heat exhaustion, falls, burns, and being hit by vehicles at grass and field fires.
