Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 85
July 12, 2015
Holy Book Sales, Batman!
Well, I didn’t sell enough books to make my grappling hook throwing skills necessary, but it was for the best: Turns out my Batman suit doesn’t fit anymore. I promised that if I sold enough at the Saturday book signing I’d scale the Black Building, but over the years I’ve grown from Christian Bale Batman to Adam West Batman. It’s too bad, after all the work I did to find a Robin costume for Emily.
Still, we made some sales and had fun hanging with Dan Gagen at the Noble Art Gallery. And it goes on, in a way: Dan kindly allowed signed copies to be displayed in his gallery, there at the corner of Orange and Main in Albion. I don’t know if I’d call it art … but if you want to pick up a copy of Slightly Off the Mark, Storm Chaser, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, The Notorious Ian Grant, or The No-Campfire Girls, you can get them there while perusing the real art. (Friday and Saturday, 10-5.) You might also be able to pick them up in other local places soon, if I get off my butt and get it done.
Now I can just kick back and relax and … *insert hysterical laughter here* Nah, I’ve got another book coming out in a month and a half, and I’m already hip deep in the next project.
Still, we made some sales and had fun hanging with Dan Gagen at the Noble Art Gallery. And it goes on, in a way: Dan kindly allowed signed copies to be displayed in his gallery, there at the corner of Orange and Main in Albion. I don’t know if I’d call it art … but if you want to pick up a copy of Slightly Off the Mark, Storm Chaser, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, The Notorious Ian Grant, or The No-Campfire Girls, you can get them there while perusing the real art. (Friday and Saturday, 10-5.) You might also be able to pick them up in other local places soon, if I get off my butt and get it done.
Now I can just kick back and relax and … *insert hysterical laughter here* Nah, I’ve got another book coming out in a month and a half, and I’m already hip deep in the next project.
July 10, 2015
In An Art Gallery I Can Call It Literature
Book signing’s tomorrow, folks! Three hours in an art gallery, overlooking the historic courthouse square in Albion, so at least come for the eye candy. Here are all the details:
https://www.facebook.com/events/77919...
I ordered one of those cardboard stands to display copies of the six books that will be available (others are for sale only as e-books). As of this writing it hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m a little awed that I have enough published books to crowd a table … and one more coming out at the end of August.
https://www.facebook.com/events/77919...
I ordered one of those cardboard stands to display copies of the six books that will be available (others are for sale only as e-books). As of this writing it hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m a little awed that I have enough published books to crowd a table … and one more coming out at the end of August.
July 6, 2015
Vote for Me for Book Signer
Remember, election season is coming: You’re going to need lots of books to read, so you can turn off the TV and save your sanity. Come to the Noble Art Gallery in Albion between 2-5 p.m. this coming Saturday, and get a deal on some reading material you’ll never see on a teleprompter.
According to the most recent polls, much of the humor in my books is funny. Also, while some of my books are fiction and some non-fiction, it’s easy to tell which is which—unlike campaign ads.
My most recent is Slightly Off the Mark, and although one chapter does cover politics, it’s clearly marked so you can avoid it. Don’t you need as much humor as you can get to make it through until November, 2016? Sure you do, so vote for me—I mean, see you Saturday, at 100 E. Main.
According to the most recent polls, much of the humor in my books is funny. Also, while some of my books are fiction and some non-fiction, it’s easy to tell which is which—unlike campaign ads.
My most recent is Slightly Off the Mark, and although one chapter does cover politics, it’s clearly marked so you can avoid it. Don’t you need as much humor as you can get to make it through until November, 2016? Sure you do, so vote for me—I mean, see you Saturday, at 100 E. Main.
July 5, 2015
When Commencement Speeches Attack
I’d planned to spend all week finding really subtle ways to remind everyone of my book signing July 11th, from 3-5 p.m. at Noble Art Gallery, 100 E. Main Street in Albion. But then I remembered I still haven’t posted my column—for June—so for today I’ll have to go without mentioning it.
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
With June comes graduation, and I always wanted to do a commencement speech. I don’t know why. I’m not that good at public speaking, and I’d guess a graduating class is one of the most impatient audiences a speaker could have.
“Dude, I’ve been stuck here for twelve years. Let me out, tonight’s the party!”
We can only hope that guy isn’t a college grad.
I think there’s some kind of legal requirement for graduation speakers. They have to hit on all the stuff about everything that’s ahead of you, huge milestones, your life can be great if you aren’t so drug-addled that you forget to use birth control … I haven’t heard that last specifically, but it’s implied.
If I did give a speech, I’d probably feel duty bound to say those same things. But I doubt I’ll be invited anytime soon: I’m living proof of what happens if you get out of high school and don’t apply yourself. No college degree, no succeeding in my chosen professions, no film crews following me around … by 21st Century standards, I might as well be living in a cardboard box.
Oh, sure, I’ve had a job since I was 21 and I’ve never been arrested, but how do you turn that into a reality show?
So I won’t be invited to do commencement speeches, and that’s fine, because I don’t think you get paid for those things. Just the same, after years of real life experience, there might be useful things I can pass on to today’s graduates:
First of all, listen to people who have years of real life experience. These would be the same people you spent your teen years not listening to. In some ways they can’t help, because they’ve turned cautious. They remember the terror of diving into a strange new world, but not the exhilaration.
In other ways they can help, because they’ve turned cautious. They understand the value of a retirement plan, owning instead of renting, understanding a world you think doesn’t affect you, and using birth control.
If you think I’m stressing birth control too much, you definitely need to listen to the cautious people. Also, Google “how much does it cost to raise children?”
Here’s another good piece of advice you won’t listen to: You’re totally don’t get that expression, “you only live once”.
You scream “YOLO!” and then drag race down Main Street, take off on a road trip with no gas money, or chug down so much booze that you don’t remember all the “fun” you had depositing half-digested nacho chips on your girlfriend’s new hipster boots.
If you can’t remember having fun, does it count as fun? Well, maybe it does to whoever posts the highlights on YouTube.
See, if you only live once, then doing stupid, dangerous things for no reason means you could die, and not come back. So if you only live once, you should take a minute to pick and choose your fun. Maybe something with just as much speed, but no illegality … and maybe more safety restraints.
At this point none of the graduates would be listening to me anymore, so I’ll pretty much say whatever I want:
Don’t do anything—ever—that gets you compared to a Kardashian.
Strive to not star in a viral video. We live in a world where people laugh at you, not with you. Laughing along with them does absolutely nothing to make you look less stupid to, say, potential girlfriends or employers.
On a related note, don’t downplay the value of potential employers. In real life it’s possible to party your life away, but only if you die really young.
On another related note, don’t die young. Yeah, sometimes the world sucks, but it’s the one you’re in … and it doesn’t suck nearly as much as you think.
If somebody offers you some great new drug and you notice they look like a cross between a mummy and the “before” photo in an acne commercial, run away screaming.
Sometimes screaming can be good for you.
Finally, here’s one of the most important ideas you’ll ever learn: Learn. Yeah, college is good, but educating yourself is just as important. Look at it this way: If you get into an argument with someone and realize they’re ignorant, it means you’re not. It’s a much better idea to recognize ignorance than to wallow in it.
And that would be my serious moment, if I got to make a speech. After all, you only live once.
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
With June comes graduation, and I always wanted to do a commencement speech. I don’t know why. I’m not that good at public speaking, and I’d guess a graduating class is one of the most impatient audiences a speaker could have.
“Dude, I’ve been stuck here for twelve years. Let me out, tonight’s the party!”
We can only hope that guy isn’t a college grad.
I think there’s some kind of legal requirement for graduation speakers. They have to hit on all the stuff about everything that’s ahead of you, huge milestones, your life can be great if you aren’t so drug-addled that you forget to use birth control … I haven’t heard that last specifically, but it’s implied.
If I did give a speech, I’d probably feel duty bound to say those same things. But I doubt I’ll be invited anytime soon: I’m living proof of what happens if you get out of high school and don’t apply yourself. No college degree, no succeeding in my chosen professions, no film crews following me around … by 21st Century standards, I might as well be living in a cardboard box.
Oh, sure, I’ve had a job since I was 21 and I’ve never been arrested, but how do you turn that into a reality show?
So I won’t be invited to do commencement speeches, and that’s fine, because I don’t think you get paid for those things. Just the same, after years of real life experience, there might be useful things I can pass on to today’s graduates:
First of all, listen to people who have years of real life experience. These would be the same people you spent your teen years not listening to. In some ways they can’t help, because they’ve turned cautious. They remember the terror of diving into a strange new world, but not the exhilaration.
In other ways they can help, because they’ve turned cautious. They understand the value of a retirement plan, owning instead of renting, understanding a world you think doesn’t affect you, and using birth control.
If you think I’m stressing birth control too much, you definitely need to listen to the cautious people. Also, Google “how much does it cost to raise children?”
Here’s another good piece of advice you won’t listen to: You’re totally don’t get that expression, “you only live once”.
You scream “YOLO!” and then drag race down Main Street, take off on a road trip with no gas money, or chug down so much booze that you don’t remember all the “fun” you had depositing half-digested nacho chips on your girlfriend’s new hipster boots.
If you can’t remember having fun, does it count as fun? Well, maybe it does to whoever posts the highlights on YouTube.
See, if you only live once, then doing stupid, dangerous things for no reason means you could die, and not come back. So if you only live once, you should take a minute to pick and choose your fun. Maybe something with just as much speed, but no illegality … and maybe more safety restraints.
At this point none of the graduates would be listening to me anymore, so I’ll pretty much say whatever I want:
Don’t do anything—ever—that gets you compared to a Kardashian.
Strive to not star in a viral video. We live in a world where people laugh at you, not with you. Laughing along with them does absolutely nothing to make you look less stupid to, say, potential girlfriends or employers.
On a related note, don’t downplay the value of potential employers. In real life it’s possible to party your life away, but only if you die really young.
On another related note, don’t die young. Yeah, sometimes the world sucks, but it’s the one you’re in … and it doesn’t suck nearly as much as you think.
If somebody offers you some great new drug and you notice they look like a cross between a mummy and the “before” photo in an acne commercial, run away screaming.
Sometimes screaming can be good for you.
Finally, here’s one of the most important ideas you’ll ever learn: Learn. Yeah, college is good, but educating yourself is just as important. Look at it this way: If you get into an argument with someone and realize they’re ignorant, it means you’re not. It’s a much better idea to recognize ignorance than to wallow in it.
And that would be my serious moment, if I got to make a speech. After all, you only live once.
July 3, 2015
Maybe I should have gone with Spider-Man
I’m looking for new publicity methods, so this is what I came up with for my book signing a week from tomorrow:
If I sell 250 books at the signing, from 2-5 July 11th at the Noble Art Gallery, I will scale the three story Black Building in a Batman outfit and moonwalk across the roof.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Mark, you don’t know how to moonwalk”. Good point, and way to miss the big picture. But this is how I look at it: If I ever sell 250 copies at one three hour book signing, I’ll die of a happy heart attack before my acrobatic abilities are ever questioned.
(For those of you who aren’t medically educated, a happy heart attack has the exact same results as an unhappy heart attack.)
I don’t even know if I have 250 copies of all my books. I was at the same location (100 N. Orange St) for four hours in December, and sold 8 copies. Still, it might be a wise precaution to do up several dozen IOU’s, and update my will. Best case scenario: In the future Dan Gagen can tell art lovers his studio is haunted by a dead author.
If I sell 250 books at the signing, from 2-5 July 11th at the Noble Art Gallery, I will scale the three story Black Building in a Batman outfit and moonwalk across the roof.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Mark, you don’t know how to moonwalk”. Good point, and way to miss the big picture. But this is how I look at it: If I ever sell 250 copies at one three hour book signing, I’ll die of a happy heart attack before my acrobatic abilities are ever questioned.
(For those of you who aren’t medically educated, a happy heart attack has the exact same results as an unhappy heart attack.)
I don’t even know if I have 250 copies of all my books. I was at the same location (100 N. Orange St) for four hours in December, and sold 8 copies. Still, it might be a wise precaution to do up several dozen IOU’s, and update my will. Best case scenario: In the future Dan Gagen can tell art lovers his studio is haunted by a dead author.
July 1, 2015
Images of America: Ready to go
Images of America: Albion and Noble County is officially off to the printer. Woot!
For the last two weeks I’ve been going back and forth with three representatives of Arcadia Publishing: one for publicity details and two others to finish off last minute edits. We’ve gone through the manuscript word by word three times, and made dozens of corrections and editions. It’s as good as we can make it, and on track for an August 24th release. Now I’m going to rest for a few days. Well, rest a little.
For the last two weeks I’ve been going back and forth with three representatives of Arcadia Publishing: one for publicity details and two others to finish off last minute edits. We’ve gone through the manuscript word by word three times, and made dozens of corrections and editions. It’s as good as we can make it, and on track for an August 24th release. Now I’m going to rest for a few days. Well, rest a little.
June 25, 2015
A Noble Book Signing
It’s back to Noble Art Gallery for a book signing Saturday, July 11, from 2-5 p.m. For you locals, that’s in the old Black building the stoplight in Albion, where Dan Gagen sells art and features local artists every Friday and Saturday.
There’ll be copies of all my books, including the newest, Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns. More details coming (okay, I pretty much covered the basics)—hope to see you there!
There’ll be copies of all my books, including the newest, Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns. More details coming (okay, I pretty much covered the basics)—hope to see you there!
June 22, 2015
"Maybe It's Just Me" by Barry Parham, book review
Book review: Maybe It’s Just Me, by Barry Parham:
http://www.amazon.com/review/R1MJ2I9V...
“Barry strikes again in the only way he knows how: Politically incorrect and howlingly funny.
http://www.amazon.com/review/R1MJ2I9V...
“Barry strikes again in the only way he knows how: Politically incorrect and howlingly funny.
There's a syndrome for everything that hurts, and most things that don't
I’ve been diagnosed with Acute Mechanical Back Syndrome.
Yeah, I hurt my back.
Chronic pain is different from acute pain, which isn’t cute at all. Years ago I spent several hours at a business fire, most of it with a steel breathing air tank on my back because I was a dumb rookie. You know those big external fuel tanks on the space shuttle? Like that, only on your back. The newer air tanks are lighter, but—too late.
Now my back hurts all the time more or less, but you get used to it. More or less. Chronic back pain is like members of Congress who just keep getting elected, and never quite go away.
Then there’s acute pain. One time at an accident scene I pulled a back muscle while helping to carry a body up an embankment. (Yeah.) I managed to crab-walk into the rescue truck, got home without whimpering too much, and died. This was back in the days when firefighters didn’t admit to pain, or to being without insurance.
That’s acute pain, which I don’t usually get in exciting ways. At fires I’ve had ceilings fall on me, faced venting propane tanks, been on burning roofs, and once I missed a step in a smoke-filled building and fell down a flight of stairs. (I’ve also done that in buildings that weren’t burning, but I’d rather not talk about it.) Generally I’m a pretty dull person, but every now and then I get into a situation.
But when I really get hurt? Never an interesting story, unless I embellish. This time, for instance, I’ve been laid up for days with intense lower back pain. What did I do? Rescue a kitten from a bear? Put out a flaming cocktail bar? Yank on Chuck Norris’ cowboy hat?
Nope.
I jumped over a puddle.
Yep. Just did an extra-big scissor step over some water, and felt a “twang!” like an overstretched guitar string. Then came the acute pain.
“I’ll be better tomorrow,” I told my wife. I wasn’t. I hurt so bad I couldn’t even write. Luckily for me she’s an excellent nurse, although she did overdo it a bit on al the stuff she made me do. Heat, cold, pills, rest—sheesh. On Monday I crawled into the doctor’s office, and he prescribed some stuff that had me counting the little rainbows spinning around on the ceiling. Then he gave me possibly the best advise any man who wants to heal could possibly get:
“Do whatever your wife tells you to.”
Yeah, those breathing air tanks. I had more air and more hair.
Yeah, I hurt my back.
Chronic pain is different from acute pain, which isn’t cute at all. Years ago I spent several hours at a business fire, most of it with a steel breathing air tank on my back because I was a dumb rookie. You know those big external fuel tanks on the space shuttle? Like that, only on your back. The newer air tanks are lighter, but—too late.
Now my back hurts all the time more or less, but you get used to it. More or less. Chronic back pain is like members of Congress who just keep getting elected, and never quite go away.
Then there’s acute pain. One time at an accident scene I pulled a back muscle while helping to carry a body up an embankment. (Yeah.) I managed to crab-walk into the rescue truck, got home without whimpering too much, and died. This was back in the days when firefighters didn’t admit to pain, or to being without insurance.
That’s acute pain, which I don’t usually get in exciting ways. At fires I’ve had ceilings fall on me, faced venting propane tanks, been on burning roofs, and once I missed a step in a smoke-filled building and fell down a flight of stairs. (I’ve also done that in buildings that weren’t burning, but I’d rather not talk about it.) Generally I’m a pretty dull person, but every now and then I get into a situation.
But when I really get hurt? Never an interesting story, unless I embellish. This time, for instance, I’ve been laid up for days with intense lower back pain. What did I do? Rescue a kitten from a bear? Put out a flaming cocktail bar? Yank on Chuck Norris’ cowboy hat?
Nope.
I jumped over a puddle.
Yep. Just did an extra-big scissor step over some water, and felt a “twang!” like an overstretched guitar string. Then came the acute pain.
“I’ll be better tomorrow,” I told my wife. I wasn’t. I hurt so bad I couldn’t even write. Luckily for me she’s an excellent nurse, although she did overdo it a bit on al the stuff she made me do. Heat, cold, pills, rest—sheesh. On Monday I crawled into the doctor’s office, and he prescribed some stuff that had me counting the little rainbows spinning around on the ceiling. Then he gave me possibly the best advise any man who wants to heal could possibly get:
“Do whatever your wife tells you to.”
Yeah, those breathing air tanks. I had more air and more hair.
June 20, 2015
Turning Seven
My grandkids are turning seven! It’s particularly hard to believe, as I’m clearly too young to be a grandfather. But time is a thief that steals from us all, as I’m sure someone said sometime.
I’ll worry about them forever as I worry about my daughters, nieces and nephews, in this world where technology brings us new ideas and possibilities even as people and governments seem to get worse. Still, things have looked dark before; we can only hope it gets better again.
But there’s time for them to learn of all that later. Until then, leave them to their LEGOs, Mutant Turtles, and Ghostbusters!
I’ll worry about them forever as I worry about my daughters, nieces and nephews, in this world where technology brings us new ideas and possibilities even as people and governments seem to get worse. Still, things have looked dark before; we can only hope it gets better again.
But there’s time for them to learn of all that later. Until then, leave them to their LEGOs, Mutant Turtles, and Ghostbusters!
