Mark R. Hunter's Blog, page 91
December 18, 2014
I’m Dreaming Of An Evergreen Christmas
Check me out at the Kendallville Mall:
http://www.4countymall.com/mark-hunte...
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
When we put up the Christmas tree last year, our dog became very puzzled.
“Dude, there are all kinds of trees surrounding this house already. Seriously, just come outside with me next time. Mind the yellow snow.”
Amazingly, he said all that with a glance.
If you take an objective, dog-like look at America’s Christmas traditions, you quickly realize we’re a little crazy. We bring a tree inside; we haul electric lights outside. People who refuse to listen to music that’s not still in the top 40 happily sing carols that were written by people who thought the Earth was flat.
(It’s a sphere; just thought I’d throw that in.)
And we celebrate Christmas on December 25th, even though most experts agree Jesus was actually born in the spring. Why? Because it’s close to the shortest day of the year. What else are you going to do in late December? Go to the beach? Get that garden in? Take a road trip to Buffalo, New York?
I doubt very much if Jesus would care when we celebrate His birthday, especially since the truly important Christmas holiday is Easter. By then the days are much longer, so we don’t need the pick-me-up.
The Christmas tree is one of the most interesting and puzzling aspects of Christmas decorating. It’s also big business: Trees in all fifty states are grown for the express purpose of being chopped down in a celebration of life. I used to drive through an area of Michigan that had more trees than Indiana has deer on the roads.
The origins of that tradition make sense, though: In ancient times, anything that stayed green all through winter held special significance. Without evergreens, people in past winters would sometimes completely forget what color was. It was like being stuck in a 50’s TV show, without the laugh track.
Evergreen boughs, hung over doors and windows, were reminders that spring would return. They also helped keep away witches and evil spirits, and as a bonus could be garnished with garlic to fight off vampires. So far as I know, they did nothing against banshees or marauding politicians.
But it was the Germans who, with ruthless efficiency, decided to just bring the whole darned tree inside. Martin Luther added lighted candles to the tree, bringing us the Christmas tradition of homes burning down.
Christmas trees didn’t come to America until the 1830’s, when German settlers arrived with the tradition. Naturally, the neighbors were curious:
“So Hans, why did your house burn down?”
“Oh, I brought a tree inside and hung candles on it.”
“No, seriously.”
A lot of Americans were against anything like carols and trees anyway. People in New England got fined for hanging decorations, although it was legal to hang witches, as long as you didn’t decorate them.
Then, in 1846, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert (of “in the can” fame) were seen standing around a Christmas tree. Suddenly it was all in fashion, even though hanging witches didn’t catch on at all. They were often decorated with popcorn, berries, and nuts, a great idea to guard against food shortages. (The trees, not the witches.) Rodents were a problem. (With the trees. Well, maybe both.)
Then, in 1850, Christmas trees went up for sale commercially in the United States. Next thing you know the early version of Wal-Mart, then known as “Mart”, got ahold of it, and the rest is history. They went up in Rockefeller Center, at the White House, and in Woodinville, Washington, where a 122 foot tall, 91 year old Douglas fir does not get cut down every year.
I like that idea, of leaving the Christmas trees alive. I don’t like the idea of going outside in December to look at them, so never mind. Besides, since 77 million Christmas trees are planted each year in an industry that employs a hundred thousand people, closing the business down would result in an unhappy holiday for many.
I used to love having a live tree. The wonderful scent, the look of it. Then I grew up, and after that I loved it for three days: From after it was up until it started dropping needles.
There’s a reason they’re called needles.
Now I have an artificial tree. I love my artificial tree. It looks exactly like a real tree if you squint a little, and I’ve never had to tweeze a single needle out of my foot. The dog, while still puzzled, doesn’t harass it. It has never burst into flames, not even for me, and I can break anything.
It doesn’t dry out, or spoil, and I don’t have to dispose of it every season. It’s durable and doesn’t wear out for years.
It’s a lot like fruitcake.
Ah, but that’s another puzzling tradition.
http://www.4countymall.com/mark-hunte...
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
When we put up the Christmas tree last year, our dog became very puzzled.
“Dude, there are all kinds of trees surrounding this house already. Seriously, just come outside with me next time. Mind the yellow snow.”
Amazingly, he said all that with a glance.
If you take an objective, dog-like look at America’s Christmas traditions, you quickly realize we’re a little crazy. We bring a tree inside; we haul electric lights outside. People who refuse to listen to music that’s not still in the top 40 happily sing carols that were written by people who thought the Earth was flat.
(It’s a sphere; just thought I’d throw that in.)
And we celebrate Christmas on December 25th, even though most experts agree Jesus was actually born in the spring. Why? Because it’s close to the shortest day of the year. What else are you going to do in late December? Go to the beach? Get that garden in? Take a road trip to Buffalo, New York?
I doubt very much if Jesus would care when we celebrate His birthday, especially since the truly important Christmas holiday is Easter. By then the days are much longer, so we don’t need the pick-me-up.
The Christmas tree is one of the most interesting and puzzling aspects of Christmas decorating. It’s also big business: Trees in all fifty states are grown for the express purpose of being chopped down in a celebration of life. I used to drive through an area of Michigan that had more trees than Indiana has deer on the roads.
The origins of that tradition make sense, though: In ancient times, anything that stayed green all through winter held special significance. Without evergreens, people in past winters would sometimes completely forget what color was. It was like being stuck in a 50’s TV show, without the laugh track.
Evergreen boughs, hung over doors and windows, were reminders that spring would return. They also helped keep away witches and evil spirits, and as a bonus could be garnished with garlic to fight off vampires. So far as I know, they did nothing against banshees or marauding politicians.
But it was the Germans who, with ruthless efficiency, decided to just bring the whole darned tree inside. Martin Luther added lighted candles to the tree, bringing us the Christmas tradition of homes burning down.
Christmas trees didn’t come to America until the 1830’s, when German settlers arrived with the tradition. Naturally, the neighbors were curious:
“So Hans, why did your house burn down?”
“Oh, I brought a tree inside and hung candles on it.”
“No, seriously.”
A lot of Americans were against anything like carols and trees anyway. People in New England got fined for hanging decorations, although it was legal to hang witches, as long as you didn’t decorate them.
Then, in 1846, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert (of “in the can” fame) were seen standing around a Christmas tree. Suddenly it was all in fashion, even though hanging witches didn’t catch on at all. They were often decorated with popcorn, berries, and nuts, a great idea to guard against food shortages. (The trees, not the witches.) Rodents were a problem. (With the trees. Well, maybe both.)
Then, in 1850, Christmas trees went up for sale commercially in the United States. Next thing you know the early version of Wal-Mart, then known as “Mart”, got ahold of it, and the rest is history. They went up in Rockefeller Center, at the White House, and in Woodinville, Washington, where a 122 foot tall, 91 year old Douglas fir does not get cut down every year.
I like that idea, of leaving the Christmas trees alive. I don’t like the idea of going outside in December to look at them, so never mind. Besides, since 77 million Christmas trees are planted each year in an industry that employs a hundred thousand people, closing the business down would result in an unhappy holiday for many.
I used to love having a live tree. The wonderful scent, the look of it. Then I grew up, and after that I loved it for three days: From after it was up until it started dropping needles.
There’s a reason they’re called needles.
Now I have an artificial tree. I love my artificial tree. It looks exactly like a real tree if you squint a little, and I’ve never had to tweeze a single needle out of my foot. The dog, while still puzzled, doesn’t harass it. It has never burst into flames, not even for me, and I can break anything.
It doesn’t dry out, or spoil, and I don’t have to dispose of it every season. It’s durable and doesn’t wear out for years.
It’s a lot like fruitcake.
Ah, but that’s another puzzling tradition.
December 15, 2014
Book signing season ends, book deadline season begins
We sold several books at the signing Saturday, and got to talk to some great people. Thanks to the Kendallville Mini Shops for hosting us! One visitor picked up books for her relative in Ohio, and another recognized me and bought The Notorious Ian Grant because she liked Storm Chaser so much.
Thus ends book signing season—this year. You won’t be hearing much from me for several days as we finish a deadline for the new book project, but my Christmas “Slightly Off The Mark” column is up in the Kendallville Mall. If you don’t get it in the mail and you’re in Albion, pick it up from the box outside of the Albion Village Foods or check out “blogs” at 4countymall.com.
Thus ends book signing season—this year. You won’t be hearing much from me for several days as we finish a deadline for the new book project, but my Christmas “Slightly Off The Mark” column is up in the Kendallville Mall. If you don’t get it in the mail and you’re in Albion, pick it up from the box outside of the Albion Village Foods or check out “blogs” at 4countymall.com.
December 11, 2014
How going to my book signing can prevent bad weather
My last book signing of the year, and probably the winter, is this Saturday, and I’d like everyone to attend. Everyone in the world. Yep, all seven billion of you. Except you, that guy with the blue coat in Apsheronsk. You’re a little creepy.
Don’t worry, there’s plenty of free parking along Main Street in Kendallville, although some of you might consider carpooling. I’ll be at the Mini shops, 134 S. Main Street, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on December 13th. It’s a new place, where you’ll find a number of small vendors in the former Best Little Hair House (not making that up) a block south and across the street from the News-Sun building.
Remember, every time you don’t go to my book signings, a butterfly in the Amazon flaps its wings. Don’t cause a hurricane.
https://www.facebook.com/events/40552...
Don’t worry, there’s plenty of free parking along Main Street in Kendallville, although some of you might consider carpooling. I’ll be at the Mini shops, 134 S. Main Street, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. on December 13th. It’s a new place, where you’ll find a number of small vendors in the former Best Little Hair House (not making that up) a block south and across the street from the News-Sun building.
Remember, every time you don’t go to my book signings, a butterfly in the Amazon flaps its wings. Don’t cause a hurricane.
https://www.facebook.com/events/40552...
December 6, 2014
Book signing results
We sold eight books at yesterday’s signing! Hoping some will make good Christmas gifts. Thanks to our hosts, and good luck in their efforts to find a permanent Albion home for their art.
Now on to the next book signing, a week from now at The Mini Shops, 134 S Main Street in Kendallville. Look for us from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
Now on to the next book signing, a week from now at The Mini Shops, 134 S Main Street in Kendallville. Look for us from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
December 4, 2014
History and the Black Building
It will probably come as a surprise to no one that I’ve been thinking a lot about history lately.
There’s a certain irony in the fact that I started out writing science fiction, mostly set in the future. Of course, what twelve year old appreciates history? Or eighteen year old? While I’ve maintained my love for far-flung space stories, my interests have broadened.
My third published work was a history of the Albion Fire Department, which I’ve served on for so long that I’ve actually ridden on all but one of the fire engines the department ever owned … well, the gasoline powered ones, anyway. Now, the book signing I’m doing Friday in theory has no direct connection to that book, other than that I’ll have copies of it there. But things do have a tendency to connect, and irony has a tendency to be ironic.
You see, we’ll be set up from 4-8 p.m. in the Black Building, which was indeed built at a time when they used to name buildings. Black is a name I encountered a lot in researching local history. In fact, it first shows up on page four of Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, when Black is among a list of ten businessmen who lost property in one 1867 downtown fire. Not an auspicious beginning, but Black picked himself up and erected another wooden building … which burned down in 1879.
I hasten to point out that Albion didn’t form a fire department until 1888. Those two fires both burned most of a block on the southeast corner of Albion’s main intersection (for you city slickers, currently our only stoplight).
J.D. Black learned his lesson, and on his third try went with brick. It says so, right on page seven. That building, which may have been constructed the same year as my home (I didn’t live there then), is the location of Friday’s art show and book signing.
The last mention in the book of the Black family comes in 1953, when Albion’s volunteer firefighters bought brand new uniforms, badges and hats from Black’s Mercantile. But south of the Black building, in the same block that burned twice, Albion’s second, third, and fourth fire stations would later be built. It’s the fourth firehouse where I started my career as a volunteer firefighter.
It’s all connected.
There’s a certain irony in the fact that I started out writing science fiction, mostly set in the future. Of course, what twelve year old appreciates history? Or eighteen year old? While I’ve maintained my love for far-flung space stories, my interests have broadened.
My third published work was a history of the Albion Fire Department, which I’ve served on for so long that I’ve actually ridden on all but one of the fire engines the department ever owned … well, the gasoline powered ones, anyway. Now, the book signing I’m doing Friday in theory has no direct connection to that book, other than that I’ll have copies of it there. But things do have a tendency to connect, and irony has a tendency to be ironic.
You see, we’ll be set up from 4-8 p.m. in the Black Building, which was indeed built at a time when they used to name buildings. Black is a name I encountered a lot in researching local history. In fact, it first shows up on page four of Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, when Black is among a list of ten businessmen who lost property in one 1867 downtown fire. Not an auspicious beginning, but Black picked himself up and erected another wooden building … which burned down in 1879.
I hasten to point out that Albion didn’t form a fire department until 1888. Those two fires both burned most of a block on the southeast corner of Albion’s main intersection (for you city slickers, currently our only stoplight).
J.D. Black learned his lesson, and on his third try went with brick. It says so, right on page seven. That building, which may have been constructed the same year as my home (I didn’t live there then), is the location of Friday’s art show and book signing.
The last mention in the book of the Black family comes in 1953, when Albion’s volunteer firefighters bought brand new uniforms, badges and hats from Black’s Mercantile. But south of the Black building, in the same block that burned twice, Albion’s second, third, and fourth fire stations would later be built. It’s the fourth firehouse where I started my career as a volunteer firefighter.
It’s all connected.
December 2, 2014
A Nice Press Release Is a Work Of Art
That doesn't mean this press release is a work of art, but this is what I sent to the local news outlets. I have two theories about press releases: 1. Make them as easy for the news people to work with as possible. 2. It’s always worth a try.
For those of you who are in the area, don’t forget that in addition to this one, I now have a second book signing on December 13th, at the Mini Shops in Kendallville—134 S. Main Street, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
------------------------------
Art Sale, Book Signing Planned During Albion’s Christmas In The Village
Visual and written art will be featured at a holiday open house during the December 5th Christmas in the Village in Albion.
Gagen Art is sponsoring the exhibit and sale, which will be at the historic Black building at 100 North Orange Street, on the southeast corner of Albion’s Courthouse square. Dan Gagen, whose paintings have previously been displayed at the location’s windows, is a noted local painter who’s invited fellow artists to display and sell their works from 4-8 p.m.
Also attending will be author Mark R. Hunter, whose diverse works include two romantic comedy novels, a young adult adventure, a collection of short stories, and a history of the Albion Fire Department. Two of his works came out in 2014: The Notorious Ian Grant, a romantic comedy set in northeast Indiana, and The No-Campfire Girls, a humorous adventure at an Indiana summer camp.
Proceeds from Hunter’s earlier book, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, go toward the Albion Fire Department, and copies of all the books will be available. It will be his second book signing of the year, although he hopes this one won’t be as adversely affected by the weather.
The event’s Facebook page is at https://www.facebook.com/events/31019..., while more information is available about Hunter and his books at www.markrhunter.com. Several other activities are also being held around Albion’s Courthouse during the Christmas in the Village, including craft vendors, greeting Santa Claus, and the lighting of the Courthouse Square Christmas tree.
For those of you who are in the area, don’t forget that in addition to this one, I now have a second book signing on December 13th, at the Mini Shops in Kendallville—134 S. Main Street, from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
------------------------------
Art Sale, Book Signing Planned During Albion’s Christmas In The Village
Visual and written art will be featured at a holiday open house during the December 5th Christmas in the Village in Albion.
Gagen Art is sponsoring the exhibit and sale, which will be at the historic Black building at 100 North Orange Street, on the southeast corner of Albion’s Courthouse square. Dan Gagen, whose paintings have previously been displayed at the location’s windows, is a noted local painter who’s invited fellow artists to display and sell their works from 4-8 p.m.
Also attending will be author Mark R. Hunter, whose diverse works include two romantic comedy novels, a young adult adventure, a collection of short stories, and a history of the Albion Fire Department. Two of his works came out in 2014: The Notorious Ian Grant, a romantic comedy set in northeast Indiana, and The No-Campfire Girls, a humorous adventure at an Indiana summer camp.
Proceeds from Hunter’s earlier book, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With The Albion Fire Department, go toward the Albion Fire Department, and copies of all the books will be available. It will be his second book signing of the year, although he hopes this one won’t be as adversely affected by the weather.
The event’s Facebook page is at https://www.facebook.com/events/31019..., while more information is available about Hunter and his books at www.markrhunter.com. Several other activities are also being held around Albion’s Courthouse during the Christmas in the Village, including craft vendors, greeting Santa Claus, and the lighting of the Courthouse Square Christmas tree.
November 30, 2014
Third book signing ... no, really
I’d planned on one book signing this holiday season … now there are three. In addition to the one coming up this Friday at 100 N. Orange Street, I’ll be doing another one a week later in Kendallville—only the second book signing I’ve ever done outside of Albion.
That one will be at The Mini Shops, 134 South Main Street, on Saturday, December 13th. At the moment we’re planning a mid-day signing: 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. More information will be forthcoming, but meanwhile don’t forget to stop by the art show and signing in Albion, during the Christmas at the Village! That’s running from 4-8 p.m. December 5th, and here’s the event page for it:
www.facebook.com/events/310190809164184
That one will be at The Mini Shops, 134 South Main Street, on Saturday, December 13th. At the moment we’re planning a mid-day signing: 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. More information will be forthcoming, but meanwhile don’t forget to stop by the art show and signing in Albion, during the Christmas at the Village! That’s running from 4-8 p.m. December 5th, and here’s the event page for it:
www.facebook.com/events/310190809164184
November 28, 2014
Forget Congress, here’s the writing vote
I forgot to announce the results of my Facebook poll, in which I asked everyone which direction I should take my humor writing (other than in a downward spiral):
10 people voted I should sell my column to another newspaper or magazine; a regular income is cool. This I’ve done, with “Slightly Off The Mark” now appearing monthly in the Kendallville Mall. (If any businesses would like to sponsor my column, get in touch!)
9 people thought I should write more humor books; humor books are cool. My new book, imaginatively titled “Slightly Off The Mark” is mostly done, although its release may be delayed by other deadlines, so there.
3 people thought I should try monetizing my blog/website; ads are cool. (Okay, ads aren’t cool, but paying bills is cool.) This is something Emily is looking into. I hope people who support my writing won’t be too offended by that.
2 people thought I should try selling my column on a subscription plan; it could work, and things that work are cool. For now this is something I’m not messing with, as my hands are full elsewhere. Since I’m already with the Kendallville Mall, a subscription plan would involve writing an entirely different regular column, and I’m hearing noises that it doesn’t tend to work well.
1 person thought a part time job at Wal-Mart is a perfectly valid career move. This is what I get for putting in a joke choice. But at least it’s nice to know one of my former English teachers is on Facebook.
Here’s the link to the poll, which is kind of silly considering I already gave you the results: https://apps.facebook.com/my-polls/vi...
10 people voted I should sell my column to another newspaper or magazine; a regular income is cool. This I’ve done, with “Slightly Off The Mark” now appearing monthly in the Kendallville Mall. (If any businesses would like to sponsor my column, get in touch!)
9 people thought I should write more humor books; humor books are cool. My new book, imaginatively titled “Slightly Off The Mark” is mostly done, although its release may be delayed by other deadlines, so there.
3 people thought I should try monetizing my blog/website; ads are cool. (Okay, ads aren’t cool, but paying bills is cool.) This is something Emily is looking into. I hope people who support my writing won’t be too offended by that.
2 people thought I should try selling my column on a subscription plan; it could work, and things that work are cool. For now this is something I’m not messing with, as my hands are full elsewhere. Since I’m already with the Kendallville Mall, a subscription plan would involve writing an entirely different regular column, and I’m hearing noises that it doesn’t tend to work well.
1 person thought a part time job at Wal-Mart is a perfectly valid career move. This is what I get for putting in a joke choice. But at least it’s nice to know one of my former English teachers is on Facebook.
Here’s the link to the poll, which is kind of silly considering I already gave you the results: https://apps.facebook.com/my-polls/vi...
November 27, 2014
The Real First Thanksgivng … Or Not
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
Thanksgiving in America continues to be one of the most traditional holidays. It still features the original four hundred year old activities of overeating, football, and complaining about Black Friday.
In the Hunter household, as in all of Indiana and much of the world that’s not outside this country, we battle the overeating. How? By serving food that the rest of the year we hate. Stuffing stuff. Cranberry things. Pumpkin anything. It was good enough for the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Indians, who the Pilgrims politely invited to share a meal in the new home they’d just stolen from the Wampanoag. The Indians brought a housewarming gift of deer, mostly because they didn’t want to eat cranberries or pumpkin.
But what was actually served at that original celebration? And did they really all sit down at long tables outside, in New England, in November? That’s a recipe for a nice heaping helping of frostbite.
The first Thanksgiving was a three day event, leaving one day each for the meal, football, and Black Friday shopping. The Pilgrims were naturally dismayed to discover no mall or Wal-Mart in sight. Rumor had it there was a Target down the road, but both the trip and the name were a bit more dangerous at the time. They compensated by throwing another feast that third day, during which they discussed the football.
Governor William Bradford sent four men on a fowling mission beforehand. We don’t know for sure what they brought back, but it might have been turkey. It also might have been ducks, geese, or swans, which explains the song they invented about the meal and the entertainment. If it hadn’t taken so much time to memorize it, the song would have been “The Twelve Days of Thanksgiving”. That would have turned our holiday world upside down.
Why are game birds called “fowl”? Because they had no refrigeration. It was a warning: “Eat it fast, before it’s fowl!”
On a related note, this has carried over into football, which during the first Thanksgiving was so primitive that it was watched on a black and white TV, with no remote control, or blimp. Whenever a player gets caught doing something that stinks, it’s called a foul. The spelling was changed during the Great Depression, when a letter shortage caused double U’s to be singled.
There was indeed an abundance of cranberries at the First Thanksgiving, mostly because the Natives used them as dye. (Good dye, although it tended to run in the washing machine.) By then the Pilgrims had run out of sugar, so there was no cranberry sauce or relish or anything cranberry. That’s one of the things they were thankful for.
Potatoes were … absent. The Spanish had discovered them in South America, but they weren’t popular with the English yet. Instead they probably had seafood—lobster, clams, oysters, all that stuff you find on the Thanksgiving menu today. Actually, these days the closest we get to that is either oyster dressing or “see? Food!”
Pumpkin? Absolutely: in their pie, their coffee, donuts, milkshakes … kidding—Starbucks didn’t deliver. Actually they did have pumpkins, but no butter or flour for any kind of crust. They may have hollowed out the pumpkins, filled the shell with milk, honey, and spices, and roasted them in hot ashes.
I’m not making this up. I get paid to do this research.
I’m sure you’re all wondering what kind of beer they washed this all down with. I mean, Sam Adams, right? That’s the state beverage of Massachusetts. But no, it turns out they hadn’t had time to make beer, and didn’t yet have apples for cider, so they drank water. This helps explain all those Pilgrim paintings with dour expressions.
Add this to native foods like plums, grapes, leeks, and squash, and you get … *gasp* … a meal that’s good for you! It turns out health food nuts aren’t a new thing; it’s just that back then it was involuntary.
Interestingly, I found no reference from historical records about stuffing being served at the first Thanksgiving. I suspect the Pilgrims planned it, until the Wampanoag heard about the idea:
“So, once we get the birds ready, we’ll mix old bread crumbs and tasteless vegetables together, throw a bunch of spices on them, and stuff them up the fowl butt. Instant side dish!”
“Um … we’ll just take our smallpox blankets and go.”
Imagine how they reacted to fruitcake.
Thanksgiving in America continues to be one of the most traditional holidays. It still features the original four hundred year old activities of overeating, football, and complaining about Black Friday.
In the Hunter household, as in all of Indiana and much of the world that’s not outside this country, we battle the overeating. How? By serving food that the rest of the year we hate. Stuffing stuff. Cranberry things. Pumpkin anything. It was good enough for the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Indians, who the Pilgrims politely invited to share a meal in the new home they’d just stolen from the Wampanoag. The Indians brought a housewarming gift of deer, mostly because they didn’t want to eat cranberries or pumpkin.
But what was actually served at that original celebration? And did they really all sit down at long tables outside, in New England, in November? That’s a recipe for a nice heaping helping of frostbite.
The first Thanksgiving was a three day event, leaving one day each for the meal, football, and Black Friday shopping. The Pilgrims were naturally dismayed to discover no mall or Wal-Mart in sight. Rumor had it there was a Target down the road, but both the trip and the name were a bit more dangerous at the time. They compensated by throwing another feast that third day, during which they discussed the football.
Governor William Bradford sent four men on a fowling mission beforehand. We don’t know for sure what they brought back, but it might have been turkey. It also might have been ducks, geese, or swans, which explains the song they invented about the meal and the entertainment. If it hadn’t taken so much time to memorize it, the song would have been “The Twelve Days of Thanksgiving”. That would have turned our holiday world upside down.
Why are game birds called “fowl”? Because they had no refrigeration. It was a warning: “Eat it fast, before it’s fowl!”
On a related note, this has carried over into football, which during the first Thanksgiving was so primitive that it was watched on a black and white TV, with no remote control, or blimp. Whenever a player gets caught doing something that stinks, it’s called a foul. The spelling was changed during the Great Depression, when a letter shortage caused double U’s to be singled.
There was indeed an abundance of cranberries at the First Thanksgiving, mostly because the Natives used them as dye. (Good dye, although it tended to run in the washing machine.) By then the Pilgrims had run out of sugar, so there was no cranberry sauce or relish or anything cranberry. That’s one of the things they were thankful for.
Potatoes were … absent. The Spanish had discovered them in South America, but they weren’t popular with the English yet. Instead they probably had seafood—lobster, clams, oysters, all that stuff you find on the Thanksgiving menu today. Actually, these days the closest we get to that is either oyster dressing or “see? Food!”
Pumpkin? Absolutely: in their pie, their coffee, donuts, milkshakes … kidding—Starbucks didn’t deliver. Actually they did have pumpkins, but no butter or flour for any kind of crust. They may have hollowed out the pumpkins, filled the shell with milk, honey, and spices, and roasted them in hot ashes.
I’m not making this up. I get paid to do this research.
I’m sure you’re all wondering what kind of beer they washed this all down with. I mean, Sam Adams, right? That’s the state beverage of Massachusetts. But no, it turns out they hadn’t had time to make beer, and didn’t yet have apples for cider, so they drank water. This helps explain all those Pilgrim paintings with dour expressions.
Add this to native foods like plums, grapes, leeks, and squash, and you get … *gasp* … a meal that’s good for you! It turns out health food nuts aren’t a new thing; it’s just that back then it was involuntary.
Interestingly, I found no reference from historical records about stuffing being served at the first Thanksgiving. I suspect the Pilgrims planned it, until the Wampanoag heard about the idea:
“So, once we get the birds ready, we’ll mix old bread crumbs and tasteless vegetables together, throw a bunch of spices on them, and stuff them up the fowl butt. Instant side dish!”
“Um … we’ll just take our smallpox blankets and go.”
Imagine how they reacted to fruitcake.
November 26, 2014
Another Book Signing -- and Art
Okay, here we go again! Thanks to Dan Gagen’s kind invitation to an artist’s open house, I’m doing another book signing this year: Friday, December 5th, from 4-8 p.m.
It’s the same evening as Albion’s Christmas at the Village, so we’re hoping to get a big crowd up on the Courthouse Square for all the activities going on. As for us, we’ll be at 100 N. Orange Street, the former Black Building at the stoplight, on the southeast corner—look for the place with the big historical mural on the side. Here’s the Facebook event page:
https://www.facebook.com/events/31019...
Naturally, we’ll have all my books there … it would be a pretty sad book signing otherwise. This is a chance for anyone who (understandably) didn’t get out in the lousy weather during my previous book signing. Come look at the books, ask questions, and wait for Santa to go by and the Christmas tree to be lit. Bonus: Great art to look at! Dan is a fantastic painter, and has invited some of his artist friends to set up shop, too.
It’s the same evening as Albion’s Christmas at the Village, so we’re hoping to get a big crowd up on the Courthouse Square for all the activities going on. As for us, we’ll be at 100 N. Orange Street, the former Black Building at the stoplight, on the southeast corner—look for the place with the big historical mural on the side. Here’s the Facebook event page:
https://www.facebook.com/events/31019...
Naturally, we’ll have all my books there … it would be a pretty sad book signing otherwise. This is a chance for anyone who (understandably) didn’t get out in the lousy weather during my previous book signing. Come look at the books, ask questions, and wait for Santa to go by and the Christmas tree to be lit. Bonus: Great art to look at! Dan is a fantastic painter, and has invited some of his artist friends to set up shop, too.
