David M. Brown's Blog, page 19
November 3, 2014
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #5
Monday
Beard Face’s search for a new job continues to be concerning. He’s moved on from admin vacancies and is directing his attention to the more obscure posts such as lion tamer, Elvis impersonator and gigolo. I’ve started taking bets on what role he will end up with. The current favourite is scarecrow.
Tuesday
Beard Face was watching Top Gear today and Charlie got very excited at the sight of the Stig. He tried phoning, faxing, emailing and sending smoke signals to the BBC to enquire about the Stig’s availability and whether he had any knowledge of driving tanks. Thankfully, this was one controversy that the BBC opted to steer clear of.
This is how Beard Face pictures himself running!
Wednesday
Triple firing on The Apprentice. What classic viewing it was as well. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were appalled at the injustice of the first candidate getting the boot, slightly less annoyed when the second went, but by the time the third went their relief was palpable. For Charlie the excitement was too much. He passed out when the words, “You’re fired!” sounded for the third time. Don’t tell him Lord Sugar said it twice more.
Thursday
There was a lot of talk about the EU today. Buggles expressed his concern about the UK being severed from the rest of Europe if we decide to leave the EU. This initially seems a very logical statement from such a dimwit, but what I didn’t point out was that Buggles believes the UK and Europe are currently one big land mass and that if we leave the EU the powers that be will cut us away with a giant pair of scissors. Don’t say anything!
Friday
I was out early this morning to observe one of Beard Face’s runs. He always professes to be something of an expert at running but his technique is very peculiar. He runs about 10 metres, squawks like a bird, bends his knees, flexes his muscles, says “Oh darling, my nipples are cold” before resuming the next 10 metres and repeating the cycle. Passers-by tended to turn and run away from the lunatic.
Saturday
Beard Face was suitably arrogant today. Barnsley won 1-0 at Sheffield United and he hasn’t stopped talking about it since. “Tykes Blunt the Blades,” he has told me 45 times in the last three hours. He would have gone for no. 46 but I managed to silence him with a pizza shaped like a bottle of Jack Daniels. Knowing how to tame a beast is essential if you’re to survive in this world.
Sunday
More sport today and Beard Face was performing some strange dance moves while doing the ironing and waiting for updates on the latest race in the Formula 1 season. A Brit named Lewis Hamilton won the race but given the magnitude of the old boy’s celebrations, the groin thrusts in particular, you’d think it had been him. If they start racing with cars designed for three year old then maybe the old boy has a future in racing.
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October 31, 2014
This Month’s Films (October 2014)
Kwaidan (1964)
Winner of the Special Jury Prize at Cannes, Kwaidan features four nightmarish tales in which terror thrives and demons lurk. Adapted from traditional Japanese ghost stories, this lavish, widescreen production drew extensively on Kobayashi’s own training as a student of painting and fine arts. Criterion is proud to present Kwaidan in a new ravishing color transfer.
Verdict: 9/10
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The Red Flute/Revenge (1989)
A teacher murders one of his students leading to the child’s father and later her brother setting out in search of revenge.
Verdict: 7/10
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Naked Lunch (1991)
In this adaptation of William S. Burroughs’s hallucinatory, once-thought unfilmable novel Naked Lunch, directed by David Cronenberg (Videodrome), a part-time exterminator and full-time drug addict named Bill Lee (Robocop’s Peter Weller) plunges into the nightmarish Interzone, a netherworld of sinister cabals and giant talking bugs. Alternately humorous and grotesque—and always surreal—the film mingles aspects of Burroughs’s novel with incidents from the writer’s own life, resulting in an evocative paranoid fantasy and a self-reflexive investigation into the mysteries of the creative process.
Verdict: 6/10
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Video Games: The Movie (2014)
From nerd niche to a multi-billion dollar industry, this is the story of video games from the minds of their greatest creators and super-players. Featuring your favorite industry, gamer and geek icons including Zach Braff, Chris Hardwick and Sean Astin.
Verdict: 6/10
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Metropolis (1927)
Metropolis takes place in the year 2026, when the populace is divided between workers, who must live in the dark underground, and the rich who enjoy a futuristic city of splendor. The tense balance of these two societies is realized through images that are among the most famous of the 20th century, many of which presage such sci-fi landmarks as 2001: A Space Odyssey and Blade Runner. Lavish and spectacular, with elaborate sets, heart-pounding action and modern science fiction style, Metropolis stands today as the crowning achievement of classic science fiction cinema.
Verdict: 9/10
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This Month’s Books (October 2014)
Adolf Hitler – Mein Kampf (1925)
Madman, tyrant, animal – history has given Adolf Hitler many names. In Mein Kampf (My Struggle), often called the Nazi bible, Hitler describes his life, frustrations, ideals, and dreams. Born to an impoverished couple in a small town in Austria, the young Adolf grew up with the fervent desire to become a painter. The death of his parents and outright rejection from art schools in Vienna forced him into underpaid work as a labourer. During the First World War, Hitler served in the infantry and was decorated for bravery. After the war, he became actively involved with socialist political groups and quickly rose to power, establishing himself as Chairman of the National Socialist German Worker’s party. In 1924, Hitler led a coalition of nationalist groups in a bid to overthrow the Bavarian government in Munich. The infamous Munich “Beer-hall putsch” was unsuccessful, and Hitler was arrested. During the nine months he was in prison, an embittered and frustrated Hitler dictated a personal manifesto to his loyal follower Rudolph Hess. He vented his sentiments against communism and the Jewish people in this document, which was to become Mein Kampf, the controversial book that is seen as the blue-print for Hitler’s political and military campaign. In Mein Kampf, Hitler describes his strategy for rebuilding Germany and conquering Europe. It is a glimpse into the mind of a man who destabilized world peace and pursued the genocide now known as the Holocaust. “… I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator. In standing guard against the Jew I am defending the handiwork of the Lord”
Verdict: 3/5
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Chris Hadfield – An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth (2013)
Colonel Chris Hadfield has spent decades training as an astronaut and has logged nearly 4000 hours in space. During this time he has broken into a Space Station with a Swiss army knife, disposed of a live snake while piloting a plane, and been temporarily blinded while clinging to the exterior of an orbiting spacecraft. The secret to Col. Hadfield’s success-and survival-is an unconventional philosophy he learned at NASA: prepare for the worst-and enjoy every moment of it.
In An Astronaut’s Guide to Life on Earth, Col. Hadfield takes readers deep into his years of training and space exploration to show how to make the impossible possible. Through eye-opening, entertaining stories filled with the adrenaline of launch, the mesmerizing wonder of spacewalks, and the measured, calm responses mandated by crises, he explains how conventional wisdom can get in the way of achievement-and happiness. His own extraordinary education in space has taught him some counterintuitive lessons: don’t visualize success, do care what others think, and always sweat the small stuff.
You might never be able to build a robot, pilot a spacecraft, make a music video or perform basic surgery in zero gravity like Col. Hadfield. But his vivid and refreshing insights will teach you how to think like an astronaut, and will change, completely, the way you view life on Earth-especially your own.
Verdict: 5/5
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John Boyne – This House is Haunted (2013)
1867. Eliza Caine arrives in Norfolk to take up her position as governess at Gaudlin Hall on a dark and chilling night. As she makes her way across the station platform, a pair of invisible hands push her from behind into the path of an approaching train. She is only saved by the vigilance of a passing doctor.
When she finally arrives, shaken, at the hall she is greeted by the two children in her care, Isabella and Eustace. There are no parents, no adults at all, and no one to represent her mysterious employer. The children offer no explanation. Later that night in her room, a second terrifying experience further reinforces the sense that something is very wrong.
From the moment she rises the following morning, her every step seems dogged by a malign presence which lives within Gaudlin’s walls. Eliza realises that if she and the children are to survive its violent attentions, she must first uncover the hall’s long-buried secrets and confront the demons of its past.
Verdict: 3/5
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Carol Tavris & Elliot Aronson – Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me) (2007)
Why do people dodge responsibility when things fall apart? Why the parade of public figures unable to own up when they screw up? Why the endless marital quarrels over who is right? Why can we see hypocrisy in others but not in ourselves? Are we all liars? Or do we really believe the stories we tell?
Renowned social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson take a compelling look into how the brain is wired for self-justification. When we make mistakes, we must calm the cognitive dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility, restoring our belief that we are smart, moral, and right — a belief that often keeps us on a course that is dumb, immoral, and wrong.
Backed by years of research and delivered in lively, energetic prose,Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) offers a fascinating explanation of self-deception — how it works, the harm it can cause, and how we can overcome it.
Verdict: 3/5
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Paul Torday – The Girl on the Landing (2008)
Elizabeth has been married to Michael for ten years. She has adjusted to a fairly monotonous routine with her wealthy, decent but boring husband. Part of this routine involves occasional visits to Beinn Caorrun, the dank and gloomy house in a Scottish glen that Michael inherited. There are memories there that Michael will not share with her. But then Michael begins to change. It starts when he thinks he sees, in a picture, the figure of a girl on a landing. As he changes, life becomes so much more fun and Elizabeth sees glimpses of a man she can fall in love with at last. But who – or what – is changing Michael …?
Verdict: 4/5
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Oliver Sacks – The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Other Clinical Tales (1985)
In his most extraordinary book, “one of the great clinical writers of the twentieth century” (The New York Times) recounts the case histories of patients lost in the bizarre, apparently inescapable world of neurological disorders.
Oliver Sacks’s The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat tells the stories of individuals afflicted with fantastic perceptual and intellectual aberrations: patients who have lost their memories and with them the greater part of their pasts; who are no longer able to recognize people and common objects; who are stricken with violent tics and grimaces or who shout involuntary obscenities; whose limbs have become alien; who have been dismissed as retarded yet are gifted with uncanny artistic or mathematical talents.
If inconceivably strange, these brilliant tales remain, in Dr. Sacks’s splendid and sympathetic telling, deeply human. They are studies of life struggling against incredible adversity, and they enable us to enter the world of the neurologically impaired, to imagine with our hearts what it must be to live and feel as they do. A great healer, Sacks never loses sight of medicine’s ultimate responsibility: “the suffering, afflicted, fighting human subject.”
Verdict: 3/5
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Patrick deWitt – The Sisters Brothers (2011)
Shortlisted for the Booker Prize
Hermann Kermit Warm is going to die. The enigmatic and powerful man known only as the Commodore has ordered it, and his henchmen, Eli and Charlie Sisters, will make sure of it. Though Eli doesn’t share his brother’s appetite for whiskey and killing, he’s never known anything else. But their prey isn’t an easy mark, and on the road from Oregon City to Warm’s gold-mining claim outside Sacramento, Eli begins to question what he does for a living–and whom he does it for.
With The Sisters Brothers, Patrick deWitt pays homage to the classic Western, transforming it into an unforgettable comic tour de force. Filled with a remarkable cast of characters–losers, cheaters, and ne’er-do-wells from all stripes of life–and told by a complex and compelling narrator, it is a violent, lustful odyssey through the underworld of the 1850s frontier that beautifully captures the humor, melancholy, and grit of the Old West and two brothers bound by blood, violence, and love.
Verdict: 4/5
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Michael Showalter – Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too (2013)
Michael Showalter’s Guys Can Be Cat Ladies Too is the hilarious all-access guide to help a man comprehend, appreciate, and bond with the felines in his life. They say dogs are a man’s best friend. True! But what if that man’s girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, or mother-in-law has a cat? Is that the end for him? Is he resigned to an eternity of estrangement from this furry creature with which he shares his life partner, his favorite chair, and his sock drawer?
Showalter offers hope for men everywhere in their quest to understand and love cats. In this intimate portrait of one man’s love for cats, you will learn the answers to burning questions such as: “Why are they all aloof and weird and stuff?”; “They hate me, right?”; and “Is it true that they have nine lives?” Armed with these and countless other valuable lessons, by the book’s end any guy can be on the fast track to becoming a cat’s best friend.
Verdict: 4/5
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October 29, 2014
Masterpieces #31: Final Fantasy VII
Long recognized as role-playing games par excellence, the Final Fantasy series gets a technological makeover in this installment (and series debut on the PlayStation). Shedding the two-dimensional graphics and limited sound capabilities of its predecessors, Final Fantasy VII features lush 3-D graphics, beautifully animated “movie” sequences, and soundtrack-quality music. Coupled with the game’s intricate storyline, endearing characters, and immense yet highly imaginative world, these new advancements make for a quite an engrossing experience.The story of Final Fantasy VII centers around a solider named Cloud Strife, who joins forces with Avalanche, a group of resistance fighters, to take down an evil mega-corporation known as Shinra. (The fate of the world hangs in the balance, of course.) Truly epic in scope, this four-disc game requires a considerable amount of time to complete—this reviewer gladly gave up over 80 hours of his life to finish it. But it’s definitely a rewarding adventure that every PlayStation owner should consider undertaking
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Final Fantasy VII (1997)
It was in 1998 during college that I first discovered the Final Fantasy series. Glancing through Playstation Power Magazine’s monthly forum devoted to Final Fantasy VII, I became intrigued by this RPG legend rated 97% and considered a milestone in gaming. Its worldwide influence cannot be conveyed in words but for me, personally, Final Fantasy VII was a major inspiration, especially in directing me towards Norse mythology with its use of the god, Odin, and by 1999 it had made its biggest impact for I had taken the first step into the world of writing fantasy fiction.
The story begins in Midgard, a futuristic city run by the Shinra Corporation whose chief crime is the use of eight reactors that suck Mako energy out of the earth to fuel advancing technology but draining the life force of the world. A mercenary group, Avalanche, opens Final Fantasy VII by destroying Mako Reactor No.1 in their quest for world preservation. Amongst their numbers is a new recruit, Cloud Strife, formerly a member of SOLDIER, Shinra’s force of elite warriors. The exploits of Avalanche in Midgard form only the basis of the story which quickly takes Cloud and his companions outside the city in pursuit of the elusive Sephiroth, another former member of SOLDIER and renowned as the greatest warrior Shinra has ever produced. Cloud and Avalanche’s fight against Shinra soon develops into an epic struggle to stop Sephiroth bringing calamity onto the world.
The first in the series to embrace 3D, Final Fantasy VII remains a visual dream. The cut scenes are still delightful perhaps none more beautiful than the end of the first disc whose imagery is etched into one’s memory by music heavily pronounced in its poignancy. The characters have an anime look about them with large striking eyes managing to capture a myriad of emotions. The backgrounds, rich in detail and easy to navigate, contain some memorable settings including Cosmo Canyon, Wutai and City of the Ancients. Some of the locations leave an imprint in your mind long after you have finished playing. Cloud’s hometown of Nibelheim, sleepy and seemingly insignificant, is the setting for a pivotal moment in his past, one that haunts Cloud throughout the game and remains with you long after the surprising revelations towards the end of the game.
Final Fantasy VII follows the usual RPG formula with a party of characters you can pick and choose from, equipping each with different weapons and armour, and levelling up via those random battles that are either a blessing or a curse dependent on your mood. Each weapon or piece of armour contains slots which are filled with materia, crystallised forms of Mako energy, that allow your characters to use and learn spells. Modifying your selection of materia and allocating them to the limited number of slots you contain is the key to success. For instance, two slots in a piece of armour may be connected allowing you to combine the strengths of two pieces of materia. In this example the best combination would be materia such as Ice or Restore in one slot and All in the other which would allow you to cast that particular spell on all enemies or characters rather than one at a time. There is a plethora of materia divided into five groups – red is summon materia concerning powerful gods, purple is independent materia that enhances a character’s status such as increasing HP, blue is support materia which is placed in linked slots to enhance other materia (as with the example above), yellow is command materia that gives you more battle options rather than just attack, and finally green is magic materia which covers elemental, curative and defensive spells. Prioritising your party’s needs is essential as there are never enough slots to accommodate all your materia.
The advances in gaming consoles today boasting increasingly stunning graphics can make elements of Final Fantasy VII show its age a little but this is quickly compensated by the immersive experience this title offers. Aside from the main story there are some welcome distractions most notably the crazy world of the Gold Saucer offering everything from a firework illuminated gondola ride to the competitive world of chocobo racing. The various towns, villages and cultures couldn’t be any more different but the whole package works brilliantly. Beneath these fantastical elements Final Fantasy VII addresses not only ecological concerns with Shinra’s draining of the world’s mako, but the oppression of minorities such as the coal miners in Coral, all too reminiscent for me of struggling UK miners in the 1980s.
Final Fantasy VII has deservedly written its place into gaming history. Of all the titles in the series this one probably resonates with more fans than any other. Cloud is one of the series highpoints, a complicated and flawed hero, while Sephiroth is easily the best villain ever to grace the Final Fantasy world. This should be one of the ten RPGS that all future incarnations in this genre measure themselves against. Narrowly surpassed by the eighth and tenth instalments, in my humble opinion, Final Fantasy VII still makes up the holy trinity of games in Square Enix’s brilliant series. Need I say more?
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October 27, 2014
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #4
Monday
Beard Face stepped up his job search today. He’s applying for everything from office worker to deluxe toilet cleaner. If anyone out there has any vacancies for the blubber monster then please let me know at your earliest convenience. He has cleaning capabilities and can floor an old lady with a fierce left hook if she has the audacity to ask him to share a pizza with her. Any takers?
Tuesday
Frizzy Hair continues to enjoy a game on her phone that involves visiting various locations yourself on foot and then claiming them on your phone. They’re called “portals” or something and the Frizz has been proper hyper in recent weeks as she claims everything from monuments to pubs. Clearly being married to Beard Face has brought out the best in her.
The dog Beard Face and Frizzy Hair walked wasn’t this obedient, but at least Beardy didn’t eat it!
Wednesday
The Apprentice was something of a let down today. One woman just gave up and was fired, leaving Lord Sugar to decide between another three candidates for the chop. He got rid of a market trader that couldn’t trade in London but can in Peterborough. That argument is about as convincing as Beard Face’s claim that he can run faster than Usain Bolt if they both raced on a lake of molten lava.
Thursday
Beard Face had a few calls about jobs today. One was to work as a waitress but only on the condition that Beardy donned a short skirt and went by the name of “Samantha” whenever it was his shift. A second call was from the local council asking if the old boy could plug some leaks in the canal using his protruding beer gut and wobbly bottom. Sadly, Beard Face declined these job offers. He considered them beneath him. He’s more insane than I thought. The only thing beneath Beard Face is his feet.
Friday
It was the birthday of Beard Face’s mum today. His idea for a present was to show his mother that he had just about stopped using the potty despite now being in his early thirties. Thankfully Frizzy Hair opted for a purchased present rather than one her prat of a husband had conjured up from within. The evening went swimmingly though myself and the other cats failed to get our claws on any of the takeaway save a bit of duck I managed to steal out of the bin later on.
Saturday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were out of the house most of day looking after a dog named Miles. It was, by all accounts, something of a miraculous day. Beard Face didn’t eat the dog and even more remarkable was that his beloved Barnsley FC didn’t lose their afternoon game. Strange powers were clearly at work here so I skulked away into the spare room for most of the day and began to wonder whether the world was coming to an end.
Sunday
A quieter day in the house today. There was some commotion later on though with Charlie and Buggles watching the Man Utd vs Chelsea game. At the end Buggles bellowed, “Utd have scored! Persil Van has snatched a point for them.” Naturally, I was intrigued by the idea of a washing powder van scoring for Man Utd. It turned out that Robin Van Persie, not Persil Van, was the player grabbing the headlines. Once again, Buggles’ weak grasp on reality was clearly evident.
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October 21, 2014
Masterpieces #30: Predator
Major Alan ‘Dutch’ Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and a band of mercenaries head into the Central American jungle to rescue some Americans from guerillas. However, there is an additional evil force at work in the jungle, something not human. The mercenaries are picked off one by one and soon Schaefer must face the alien predator alone.
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Predator (1987)
John McTiernan’s sci-fi classic is often dismissed in favour of Ridley Scott’s brilliant Alien (1979). Both franchises are now closely linked with the Alien Vs Predator films and games. Although I rate Alien highly, it is Predator that gets my vote in this long-running galactic duel.
While Alien builds slowly, Predator takes little time in getting things started. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character, Dutch, is briefed about a mission in a Central American jungle to rescue a cabinet minister before the film quickly switches scenes to show two helicopters swooping over the jungle with Little Richard’s “Long Tall Sally” playing in the background as we are introduced to the rest of Dutch’s squad of different but brilliant commandos.
Once in the jungle the mission is quickly underway but Dutch and his men are being watched from the treetops. We don’t see the Predator clearly until the latter stages of the film but seeing the jungle through its infrared vision makes for a great build up as it stalks and attempts to pick off Dutch’s men one by one.
Stan Winston’s design of the Predator is distinctive with dreadlocks, a rich array of deadly weapons and that iconic helmet whose design remains the most appealing despite an attempt at variations in Alien Vs Predator. Unlike the Aliens, the Predator harbours a degree of humanity in being bound by a strict code of honour that permits it from attacking anyone that is unharmed. As Dutch states, “He didn’t kill you because you weren’t armed. No sport.”
The film’s finale reduces the frantic pace and delivers a titanic battle between two heavyweights, a fabulous winner takes all contest with a memorable piece of dialogue and a dramatic conclusion. Sadly, the later Predator incarnations have not reached the heights of the original, which remains at the head of its class.
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October 20, 2014
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #3
Monday
Beard Face is progressing with Dexter, many years after the rest of us finished the show and lamented the awful ending. Beardy is still on Season One and so far he’s struggling. He keeps singing The Beatles’ Lovely Rita whenever Dexter’s girlfriend is on, he thinks Deb looks weird and he’s confused that the Ice Truck Killer has yet to murder an ice truck. That’s the level of simplicity that Frizzy Hair is having to deal with here. Bless her. She’s has far more patience than most people.
Tuesday
Today marked the long-awaited return of The Apprentice on British television. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were eager viewers and so was I. First impressions were that Lord Sugar’s hair had receded even more, Karen looked a little older and Nick seemed to be exactly the same as when the show first started 10 years ago. What’s that all about? The candidates themselves, of which there are 20 this time, were not inspiring. I think they’d have trouble selling bamboo to pandas.
This is how Beard Face imagines he’ll look mowing the lawn. I’m picturing the lawn looking like Mordor to be honest.
Wednesday
Beard Face wasn’t here for most of the day. He was staying over with one of his friends and when I say “friends” I do actually mean someone that is living and breathing, not an imaginary one. What he got up to remains a mystery but Frizzy Hair certainly revelled in the old boy’s absence. She smiled ten times more than usual for a start. The rest of us were able to behave any way we liked. Frizzy Hair is less strict with us.
Thursday
Beard Face sadly came back to the house today. Turns out it’s not easy to lose track between Doncaster and Barnsley. Hopefully next time Beard Face can go somewhere far away like Southampton or Singapore. In the evening we resumed our viewing of The Apprentice and there was a double firing from Lord Sugar. Charlie was swooning every time he pointed his finger and said, “You’re fired.” I’m just grateful it stopped at two firings because if it had been a hat trick Charlie may well have exploded with joy.
Friday
I spent an hour with Buggles today discussing great philosophers from across history. Buggles then decided to show off his new found knowledge to the rest of the group. His narratives about Soccer, Platypus, Arsebiscuits, Ariel, Larx, Boudoir and Fartre had to be heard to be believed. In the evening the family enjoyed a trio of British comedies though by the time we reached the third of these, Frizzy Hair was still explaining jokes to Beard Face from the first show.
Saturday
Beard Face spent most of the day studying the lawn. Frizzy Hair had mowed it the other week but the edges were still uncut. Beard Face spent hours pondering why the grass was shorter in the middle than at the edges. He simply couldn’t work it out. Frizzy Hair sat her incompetent husband down and explained the entire thing. It’s a strange sight watching clarity and understanding wash over Beard Face. He’s now determined to sort the lawn asap but isn’t sure what tool will do the job. Frizzy Hair was too tired to explain this part of the gardening process, pissed as she was at this point on half a dozen glasses of Port.
Sunday
Beard Face purchased some lawn trimmers today and proceeded to walk around Barnsley town centre with them. This was a most unusual sight as you can imagine. Some of the piss heads were so intoxicated that they screamed and ran away from Beardy. Normally, this would be an understandable reaction but their reasoning was not the old boy’s face but the fact they had mistaken him for the Grim Reaper. Alcohol can do those things to you.
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October 16, 2014
Masterpieces #29: Tomb Raider
Adventurer Lara Croft has been hired to recover the pieces of an ancient artefact known as the Scion. With her fearless acrobatic style she runs, jumps, and swims her way toward the truth of it’s origins and powers–leaving only a trail of empty tombs and gun-cartridges in her wake. On this trail are the most breath-taking 3-D worlds yet seen–where exploration, puzzle and platform elements blend in a seamless real-time environment.
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Tomb Raider (1996)
I don’t recall the day when I first heard about Tomb Raider but I do remember the fascination many gamers had with Lara Croft. Personally, I couldn’t understand an infatuation with a console game character but beyond the appeal of Lara Croft, Tomb Raider sounded like a game worth trying.
Lara’s debut adventure begins in a hotel where she is approached by Larson Conway who works for Jacqueline Natla of Natla Technologies. Natla wants Lara to recover an artefact known as the scion from a temple in Peru. Lara later learns that the scion is in three parts scattered throughout the world and that Natla has hired a rival adventurer, Pierre Dupont, to find the other pieces. Lara decides to locate all the pieces herself but with Pierre ready to stop her can she succeed?
The original Tomb Raider brings back fond memories when you begin the first level. Occasionally a piece of music plays which often indicates some form of danger whether it’s a boulder or a pack of wolves about to attack. Lara’s path through each level requires you to locate levers and switches to open doors and hatches and continue your progress. You will be required to climb, jump and swim to access new areas as well. There are many ways to be killed in the tombs you explore so be on your guard.
Combat plays a big part in the game as well. As well as Pierre you will encounter Natla’s henchmen as well as crocodiles, rats, bats, gorillas and some very peculiar enemies much later on as Lara’s adventure unfolds. You have an assortment of weapons to choose from such as your trusty pistols with infinite ammo, UZIs and a shotgun. You have limited ammo for the other weapons so use them sparingly while your health is replenished via first aid kits which are strewn throughout the temples. How these could be here along with ammo is of course a mystery but you wouldn’t get far without them.
Tomb Raider still plays well today and has a decent storyline as you take in Peru, Greece and Egypt before a final encounter against Natla and her henchmen. I’m still puzzled about the sexual appeal of Lara Croft but certainly welcome a game where a strong woman is the protagonist and more than capable of surviving the many dangers that she faces.
Tomb Raider remains the original and best of the series for me. You can’t really beat that anticipation and suspense of the opening few levels. This isn’t the fault of the sequels. I just think it’s hard to truly recapture that atmosphere. If you can revisit this game it is still worth the journey.
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October 12, 2014
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #2
Monday
I watched Beard Face peg the washing out today. It took him 37 attempts to put one bed sheet on the line. The complex task of folding it in half and placing it evenly over the line was clearly beyond the old boy. I could have watched this spectacle for the remainder of the day but opted to do something more gratifying such as knocking a pen off a table or purposefully missing the litter tray just to annoy my owners.
Tuesday
Gordon Ramsay’s Costa Del Nightmares was an improvement this week. We at least returned to Spain but spent the episode in a restaurant where the lift didn’t work and the lines on Gordon’s face began to deepen by the minute. I’ve sussed this show out though. The formula is:- Crap restaurant – Gordon visits and hates food – Gordon make food and restaurant better – first service with him starts well, goes shit, improves dramatically – Gordon leaves. Despite this consistent formula we keep tuning into the show. I’m hoping the next series will be entitled Gordon Ramsay’s Yorkshire Nightmares.
Mr Kain’s plans for a new Great British Bake Off format are currently under consideration at the BBC!
Wednesday
Wednesday saw the Great British Bake Off final – #GBBO – or, as I like to call it: Get this Baking Bollocks Off-my-telly. Honestly, after weeks of watching Beard Face and Frizzy Hair ooh and aah over something they would eat in about thirty seconds, I’m ready for a new TV show. I’ll take this opportunity to pitch it here:
The Great British Mouse Off sees committed cats bringing home tastefully prepared mice. Signature round: how beautifully your cat disembowels the mouse. Technical challenge: how fatally your cat disembowels the mouse. Showstopper: can your cat disembowel the mouse and decapitate it in the allotted time. It has to be a winner. Nothing can be sillier than this baking malarkey.
Thursday
Every so often Beard Face will awaken from his constant state of imbecility and say something that actually makes him sound human. Today that utterance was a simple question, “Is it raining?” It was. The aftermath of this moment came close to a bloodbath when Buggles responded to Beard Face by saying, “I hadn’t noticed.” Cue the billboards with Andie MacDowell on and the emblazoned red slogans saying, “Corny, mushy lines? F**k you!”
Friday
We watched Gogglebox today and Frizzy Hair was getting gushy about a posh couple who are clearly in love after many years together. Frizzy Hair was so enamoured with this couple that she overlooked the husband bringing the pet dog into the room in an ice bucket and supping wine from a glass that clearly belonged to the Incredible Hulk. I like to think that one day Gogglebox will focus on our house where Frizzy Hair will be busy killing things on her iPad, while Beard Face will be spending his evenings trying to figure out what T.V. actually stands for.
Saturday
A bit of peace in the Brown house today. Frizzy Hair and Beard Face disappeared to do some shopping and we took advantage of the terrible weather to laugh at the thought of them being caught in the rain. Oh, happy times. Sadly, Frizzy Hair had forgotten her coat so she morphed into the Incredible Frizz (never a good look). Our dinner was delayed as Beard Face spent the subsequent couple of hours following their arrival home trying to combat her static influence on all things electrical. Ho hum.
Sunday
Both Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were in foul moods today and it had nothing to do with the hole Beardy found in one of his slippers. No one is owning up to that one. They both improved later after a couple of beers. Sunday often sees people going to church and I have to say I’m starting to believe in divine intervention as Beardy’s beloved Barnsley FC won a game 3-1 despite being 1-0 down after less than a minute. The old boy was in a great mood this evening and resorted to belly dancing, while keeping the arse scratching to a minimum. The belly dancing is somewhat more intimidating.
The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #2 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
October 5, 2014
The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #1
After months in the wilderness I have finally decided to resume my diary. A lot has changed since I last checked in. For one, we have moved house which has gone better than I expected. Had the move amounted to more than 20 miles though it may just have been possible to jettison Beard Face but, alas, the old boy still remains with us like an unidentifiable stain on the wall that no cleaning product will shift. Each week I’ll offer a summary of the goings on in the Brown household. There will be laughs, tears, maybe some flatulence and there’s bound to be the odd incident where Beard Face or Frizzy Hair leave myself and the other five cats wondering why us.
Monday
Beard Face’s running regime is gathering pace. He’s now back to 3 minutes without stopping. That’s the same as the average British man in bed. Not bad going, old boy!
Tuesday
Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were very vocal during the night. Thankfully there was nothing amorous about these exchanges. They were watching Gordon Ramsay’s Costa Del Nightmares which was in France for some reason. This week Gordon had to rescue a restaurant where the staff lived in the walls, the owner looked like Guy Ritchie in the aftermath of a severe breakdown, and in this part of the world Argentina was just around the corner. Since watching the episode Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have been frequently shouting “Passion!” and laughing like a couple of schoolgirls at a One Direction concert. Embarrassing stuff.
This is what all the cats were hoping wouldn’t happen during the house move. Frizzy Hair kept her man and our suffering remained.
Wednesday
It was the Great British Bake Off today and Paul Hollywood was in meticulous mode, demonstrating his ability to count cake layers with a knife. Beard Face was disappointed that none of the bakers created something with a phallic shape but it’s important to remember that the mental and mature capacity of these people eclipses that of the beard a hundred fold.
Thursday
The sale of our house back in Huddersfield finally went through. It was supposed to happen yesterday but like the building of the Wembley Stadium things weren’t quite on time. I’m so relieved. Beard Face has been sweating on this house move for so long that I’ve taken to wearing a life jacket and sleeping in a canoe around the house. Frizzy Hair handled the event with her usual aplomb. What a girl.
Friday
It was a surreal moment today as Beard Face and Frizzy Hair tuned into Gogglebox. Two people sitting watching a program about other people sitting and watching television was a bit too much for my brain. It was clear from the selection of programs and the feedback that Cheryl Cole is a bit of a bitch these days while some of the younger generation in Britain have a lot to learn about the world outside their living room.
Saturday
Beard Face had a stomach upset today and Frizzy Hair has started writing a novel. The two events are not related but I couldn’t be bothered to put them in a separate sentence. I suspect the old boy’s issues are his stomach protesting at being part of him and wanting its freedom. As for Frizzy Hair, well, she’s writing a romance with the odd bit of sex in there. Beard Face needed three hours of intense explanation before he understood the phrase, “Lie back and think of England.” Why Frizzy Hair married this narrow-minded dipshit is a question that continues to rub shoulders with the world’s greatest mysteries such as the Mary Celeste and the popularity of Justin Bieber.
Sunday
The end of a busy week saw Beard Face visiting family. The house is so much nicer when the spawn of Shrek isn’t here. It’s just a shame that he and Frizzy Hair are near attached at the hip. We love having her around but not her dope of a husband. That said, she’s trying to reform Beard Face by having him read a guidebook for men on how to be cat ladies. I have these awful visions of Beard Face looking like Freddie Mercury in the I Want To Break Free video, though with less convincing facial hair.
The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #1 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
