David M. Brown's Blog, page 18

This Month’s Films (November 2014)

Shattered Glass (2003)

The true story of a young journalist who fell from grace when it was found he had fabricated over half of his articles.

Verdict: 8/10

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Precious (2009)

Precious Jones, an inner-city high school girl, is illiterate, overweight, and pregnant…again. Naïve and abused, Precious responds to a glimmer of hope when a door is opened by an alternative-school teacher. She is faced with the choice to follow opportunity and test her own boundaries. Prepare for shock, revelation and celebration.

Verdict: 7/10

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The Devil’s Backbone (2001)

The most personal film by Guillermo del Toro (Cronos) is also among his most frightening and emotionally layered. Set during the final week of the Spanish Civil War, THE DEVIL’S BACKBONE tells the tale of a ten-year-old boy who, after his freedom-fighting father is killed, is sent to a haunted rural orphanage full of terrible secrets. Del Toro effectively combines gothic ghost story, murder mystery, and historical melodrama in a stylish concoction that reminds us—as would his later Pan’s Labyrinth—that the scariest monsters are often the human ones.

Verdict: 9/10

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The Housemaid (1960)

This gripping, rarely-seen masterpiece of manipulation and obsession is often considered amongst the greatest Korean films of all time. Now, it’s available in a brilliant new restoration from the Korean Film Archive and Martin Scorsese’s World Cinema Foundation. Restored in 2008 by the World Cinema Foundation and the Korean Film Archive at HFR Laboratory, Seoul.

Verdict: 7/10

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This Month’s Books (November 2014)

Alan Sugar – What You See Is What You Get: My Autobiography (2010)

Alan Sugar was born in 1947 and brought up on a council estate in Clapton, in Hackney. As a kid he watched his dad struggle to support the family, never knowning from one week to the next if he’d have a job. It had a huge impact on him, fuelling a drive to succeed that was to earn him a sizeable personal fortune. Now he describes his amazing journey, from schoolboy enterprises like making and selling his own ginger beer to setting up his own company at nineteen; from Amstrad’s groundbreaking ventures in hi-fi and computers, which made him the darling of the stock exchange, to the dark days when he nearly lost it all; from his pioneering deal with Rupert Murdoch to his boardroom battles at Tottenham Hotspur FC. He takes us into the world of The Apprentice, and describes his appointment as advisor to the government and elevation to the peerage. Like the man himself, this autobiography is forthright, funny and sometimes controversial.

Verdict: 4/5

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Cormac McCarthy – The Road (2006)

A searing, post apocalyptic novel destined to become Cormac McCarthy’s masterpiece.

A father and his son walk alone through burned America. Nothing moves in the ravaged landscape save the ash on the wind. It is cold enough to crack stones, and when the snow falls it is gray. The sky is dark. Their destination is the coast, although they don’t know what, if anything, awaits them there. They have nothing; just a pistol to defend themselves against the lawless bands that stalk the road, the clothes they are wearing, a cart of scavenged food—and each other.

Verdict: 4/5

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Bryce Bladon (ed.) – Clients from Hell 2 (2012)

A cult phenomenon among those who work in graphic, print and web design, Clients From Hell brings readers to tears with unbelievable and always hilarious anecdotes from those on the frontlines of the freelancing industry.

Featuring new material and an unmasked editor, Clients From Hell 2 combines the collective wisdom and woe of thousands of creative professionals and distils the entire experience into one eloquent e-book. The second addition to the Clients From Hell series taps freelance veterans for even more material. Interviews, resources, and particularly poignant tales of client insanity are all included alongside the fan-favourite anecdotes of freelancing dysfunction.

For the first time, Clients From Hell takes a step back from finger-pointing and clever name-calling to inform the audience of how to make it as a creative professional. Step one: buy this book. Step two: take heed of these cautionary tales. Step three: we haven’t thought of a step three yet. We’ll worry about that when revisions come around.

Anyone who has ever worked with clients may find these tales frighteningly familiar. New freelancers may think twice about their chosen profession – or at least find relief in the fact that they’re not alone in absurd client interactions.

And the rest of you? You can just laugh and enjoy your day job.

Verdict: 4/5

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Juliet Macur – Cycle of Lies: The Fall of Lance Armstrong

A fly-on-the-wall account of the Lance Armstrong doping scandal – the greatest drama in modern sporting history by the New York Times cycling correspondent.

As Lance Armstrong’s precipitous fall from grace continues, New York Times sports reporter Juliet Macur takes the reader behind the scenes to bring to life the astonishing twists and turns of the scandal that has rocked the world of cycling.

With unprecedented access to the key players in the drama – from Armstrong’s fellow cyclists and top cycling officials to doctors, trainers and wives – Cycle of Lies reveals how Armstrong built a fortress of people around him to protect his image and upend the lives of anybody who stood in his way.

As America’s fallen idol faces potential perjury charges, Cycle of Lies widens the focus to expose corruption at all levels of the sport in a thrilling, page-turning work of contemporary narrative history.

Verdict: 4/5

 

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Margaret Atwood – The Handmaid’s Tale (1985)

Offred is a Handmaid in the Republic of Gilead. She may leave the home of the Commander and his wife once a day to walk to food markets whose signs are now pictures instead of words because women are no longer allowed to read. She must lie on her back once a month and pray that the Commander makes her pregnant, because in an age of declining births, Offred and the other Handmaids are valued only if their ovaries are viable. Offred can remember the years before, when she lived and made love with her husband, Luke; when she played with and protected her daughter; when she had a job, money of her own, and access to knowledge. But all of that is gone now…

Verdict: 4/5

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Masterpieces #35: Final Fantasy VIII

About Final Fantasy VIII (1999) This latest instalment to the best-selling Final Fantasy series incorporates the theme of love into an RPG story-line of epic proportions. Final Fantasy VIII world comes to life in a dazzling display of digital artistry as lifelike characters and seamlessly integrated CG animation are enhanced with Dolby Surround Sound technology. With Analogue Controller (Dual Shock) and PocketStation compatibility.

 

 

 

 

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Final Fantasy VIII (1999)

Following the phenomenally successful Final Fantasy VII, Squaresoft faced the unenviable task of producing a worthy follow-up and in Final Fantasy VIII they created not an equal but a superior game.

As with all entries in the Final Fantasy series the story is eventful. Galbadia, under the new rule of the Sorceress, is waging war against neighbouring countries but finds opposition from a mercenary force known as SeeD. You take on the role of Squall Leonhart, an introverted but brilliant SeeD student, who becomes embroiled in the struggle against the Sorceress. Squall’s task is further complicated by his encounter with a resistance fighter, Rinoa Heartilly, and the onset of mysterious dreams about a Galbadian soldier named Laguna. That is only a taste of the epic storyline on offer here which contains a myriad of twists and turns to maintain the interest.

Square Enix keep all the mainstays of the series here with superb graphics, beautiful music and stunning cut-scenes, including the opening sequence to the game which, more than ten years on, remains a visual treat. Aside from the main plot there are a series of side quests and secrets to unlock, as well as an optional card game that is thoroughly addictive. The characters take on a more realistic look here, as opposed to the anime style appearance of previous games, while the backdrop is more of sci-fi and fantasy rather than the traditional fantasy which many fans may prefer.

The focal point to playing Final Fantasy VIII is the Junction System. This requires the user to allocate or junction a god (known as GFs) to each character allowing them to summon these deities in battle and benefit from a series of skills and abilities they possess. Your GFs also enable your characters to junction any magic they gather to improve such status parameters as strength, speed and HP. The GFs learn new abilities as you gain experience in battle and enable your characters to become more powerful over time.

The game is not without its flaws. The summoning of gods in battle leads to a short animation as your celestial allies use all their powers to assist you. The first few viewings of these scenes are memorable but having to sit through them without the option of shortening or skipping through can lead to frustration. You will inevitably need your gods during the game but it is possible to use them minimally. The new Junction System is explained via a series of tutorials which remain available throughout the game but can still lead to prolonged head-scratching when you first play. Thankfully, if the Junction System is proving problematic, you can have this automatically done for you and select from three options – attack, magic or defence – dependent on your priorities.

Final Fantasy VIII still impresses more than ten years after its release. Its main strength remains in the superb story played out by a series of characters that each have their flaws, while the romance between Squall and Rinoa is an undoubted series highlight. In my opinion, this narrowly pips the brilliant Final Fantasy X as the finest in the series so far.

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #8

Monday

Beard Face’s latest job venture was to contact the local council and see if they’d be interested in a leaf picker. It is autumn and fallen leaves are plentiful but the old boy was suggesting he would pick them up by hand one at a time. He reckoned he could average about 20 leaves an hour if he really pushed himself. Unsurprisingly, the council said there was more chance of them hiring Mad Max to teach the kids the values of community service.

Tuesday

Beard Face was congratulating himself today after coming up with a concept for a new TV show. Basically it’s Deal or No Deal only the red boxes are lunch boxes and instead of the contestant being called by a banker, they’re contacted by a spanker. He didn’t explain this bit in any detail so your guess is as good as mine. Beardy’s name for this new game show is Meal or No Meal. The fool has already started pitching it to Channel 4 but something tells me they won’t be commissioning it any time soon. It’s days like these that you have to count your blessings.

Not quite Lewis Hamilton but you get the idea.

Wednesday

The Apprentice was once again on the agenda tonight and, oh boy, the humans were demonstrating just how stupid they were. An advertising campaign for a new energy drink was their challenge and one group had a logo so good that you couldn’t actually read it. I’ve heard some people say that a lot of the Americans aren’t particularly smart but our British representatives didn’t exactly cover themselves in glory during their trip to the U S of A this week. I am becoming worried for Lord Sugar. The candidate’s this year couldn’t find the exit in a one path maze.

Thursday

Opera recital today as Frodo gathered us all together. He tried to rally the troops initially with Gangnam Style but when that failed we moved onto Amazing Grace. It’s hard to describe just how painful the rendition was. It wasn’t enough to break glasses or anything but it would have shattered the hearts and souls of all that dared to pass by. Thankfully, local news reported that casualties were at a minimum. Try to imagine Amazing Grace with Charlie contributing lyrics such as “Bitchin’” and “Ass Whoop” and you get the idea of what I was up against. The session lasted seven hours!

Friday

Beard Face continues to have problems with Dexter. He’s on Season 4 and is struggling to get his head around John Lithgow as the Trinity Killer. First he wanted to know if the Trinity Killer was using a giant sasquatch to murder his victims, then he wondered if he did his crimes under the guise of Lord Farquaad, and finally Beardy believed that an alien family known as the Solomons were beaming down from space and committing the murders, framing the Trinity Killer in the process. Dexter is compelling viewing but it’s not overly complicated to keep track of…unless your Beard Face.

Saturday

After weeks of moaning and some very unsubtle hints, Frizzy Hair finally cut Beard Face’s hair. I don’t mean his facial hair, there isn’t enough to warrant a trim, but his actual head hair. Numerous styles were considered before Beard Face asked for an Ace Ventura look with a hint of Brad Pitt in Troy and Chris Hemsworth in Thor. Frizzy Hair thought about it then just shaved off all of the old boy’s hair. Being the dimwit that he is, Beardy simply nodded his approval and said it was precisely what he’d asked for.

Sunday

It was a family gathering this afternoon as the Formula 1 season came to an end. We were united in hoping that Lewis Hamilton would win his second world title and the super fast Brit duly did, effectively ending the race as a contest in the first corner. What a guy. His title rival, Nico Rosberg, suffered car trouble which Charlie said was down to him telepathically sending flatulent odours to scupper the German’s race. We humoured Charlie and just enjoyed the celebrations instead. Well done Mr Hamilton, even I was impressed with your driving skills.

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Celebrate Losing Heart and The Bleaklisted Books with a #giveaway

It’s been a busy month! Donna launched Losing Heart earlier in the month and we’ll be rounding off the month with the release of The Bleaklisted Books (A Feline Central Book). To celebrate these two launches and the release of the Man vs Cat (A Feline Central Book) and Double-take Tales audiobooks, we’re hosting a giveaway.

Happy reading (and listening)!

Want to know any more about any of these books? Just click the covers!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

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Masterpieces #34: Resident Evil 2

About Resident Evil 2 (1998) Resident Evil 2 is the next chapter in the unparalleled game that defines the survival horror genre. It begins as Raccoon City continues to endure an onslaught of terror and fear as a mysterious, flesh-eating virus spreads into the town that turns everyone it infects into zombies.

Resident Evil 2 introduces players to Leon Kennedy, a Raccoon City rookie policeman, and Claire Redfield, a tough heroine in search of her brother. Players can control either Leon or Claire as they explore the entire Raccoon City locale with its huge 3D environments, and swarms of terrifying creatures of the undead.

 

 

 

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Resident Evil 2 (1998)

Resident Evil was one of the first Playstation games I played, having heard many stories about it from my older brother. Naturally when I heard a sequel was on the way I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it. The original had been so atmospheric that my only fear was a follow-up wouldn’t capture that same chilling essence. Writing today I can confidently say Resident Evil 2 is the best of the series I’ve had the pleasure of playing.

Resident Evil 2 is set two months after the events of the first game where a deadly virus had been released at a remote mansion on the outskirts of Raccoon City. A new virus – the G-virus – has now spread throughout the city and turned the majority of its population into zombies. Arriving in the city independently of each other on the same night are two strangers, Leon S. Kennedy and Claire Redfield. Leon is a rookie police officer arriving in Raccoon City for his first day as a member of the RPD (Raccoon Police Department), while Claire is looking for her brother Chris, one of the protagonists from the first game. Finding the city infested with zombies Leon and Claire make their way to the police department and uncover the source of the virus outbreak – the clandestine activities of a scientist named William Birkin.

While the first Resident Evil game offered two characters to choose from in Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine, Resident Evil 2 comprises six games in one! During the still impressive introduction to Leon and Claire’s stories the two characters flee a zombie advance by climbing into a police car. When a zombie on the back seat attacks them Leon ends up crashing the car. Before Leon or Claire can gather themselves, an out of control truck, with a driver turning into a zombie at the wheel, bears down on them. Leon and Claire climb out of their respective sides of the car and are separated in the city having to make their own way to the police station where their paths cross once more. This separating event is crucial to the structure of Resident Evil 2. Each character has two scenarios A and B to play through. Scenario A must be played through first which offers a conclusion of sorts to the game but not the whole story. In order to see the real ending you have to play through Scenario B. If you play as Leon, escaping from one side of the car at the outset, and complete Scenario A you will unlock Scenario B for Claire which depicts different events as she escapes from the other side of the car. The same applies if you play through Scenario A for Claire. In that version the police car crashes head on rather than spinning and impacting rear first. The path Leon traverses in Scenario A is now taken by Claire while in Scenario B Leon now follows the route Claire did in her second scenario. Confused? Aside from this difference defined by the intro Leon and Claire encounter different characters during their scenarios. Claire becomes protector of a young girl named Sherry and also encounters the corrupt police chief Brian Irons. Elsewhere Leon meets a mysterious woman named Ada who is looking for her boyfriend John, as well as a journalist Ben who has uncovered corruption within Raccoon City’s police force. There are also two bonus games to unlock but my lips are sealed on those. It would spoil the surprise!

Resident Evil 2 plays the same as the first game but there have been many improvements. You still heal your characters with first aid sprays and medicinal herbs and although the menu is similar it navigates a lot faster and smoother. You are limited in the amount of items you can carry but handy chests are located throughout the game for storage. There’s a lot more fairness in terms of combat where zombies that grab you to take a bite can be pushed away rather than being allowed to injure you before you can react as in the first game. Zombies and dogs are familiar enemies from the original but Resident Evil 2 introduces a new breed of monster – lickers – while among your many memorable encounters are giant versions of familiar animals and a monster that stalks the police station and frequently takes on new forms for every one you manage to defeat. You’ll have little time for a rest as you negotiate the different scenarios! Puzzles are prominent in Resident Evil 2 and you’ll find that your actions in one scenario can affect those for the other character in the second scenario.

The locations are just as good if not better than the first game. The four scenarios for the two characters offer plenty of scope to keep playing especially to unlock the different endings as well as two secret scenarios, different outfits for your characters but, best of all, super duper weapons like a rocket launcher with infinite rockets for you to play through the game again and fell your enemies in their dozens without breaking sweat. It’s more than worth all the hard work to partake of this privilege, I can assure you.

I loved Resident Evil 2 when it was first released and playing through it more than ten years later the impact remains the same. It doesn’t take long to finish each scenario but you’ll have a lot of fun fighting zombies and weird creatures while solving the many puzzles and enjoying the still impressive cut scenes. Superior to the original and still my favourite in the series this one deserves to be remembered fondly long after the smoke has stopped rising from the ends of your zombie felling guns.

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #7

Monday

The job search continues for Beard Face. His latest idea was to contact the local council and see if they’d pay him to walk the streets and prevent people stepping on the cracks in the pavement or walking under ladders. He tried to reason that such bizarre superstitions were genuine and that he could prove it because the previous night he’d watched a program on TV called The Gullible Morons’ Guide to Superstitious Thingies. Sounds genuine to me!

Tuesday

The Christmas shopping is now done and it’s down to Beard Face to wrap all the gifts. This will take some time because movement is something he does find challenging most days. I can only assume that when he does occasionally go out running he does it in a near comatose state. I haven’t located any gifts among the boxes for myself or my fellow felines but I imagine there will be something stashed in the house somewhere. Beard Face usually labels stuff with unfortunate titles like “Pussy Gear” and “For the Pussies”. If cats could go red with embarrassment, we all would have done long ago.

The search was on for the next great game board game. It was a task beyond the Brown household.

Wednesday

Lord Sugar was up to his old tricks again on The Apprentice. This week he had the candidates inventing their own board games. Naturally the Brown household was very intrigued by all of this and felt the need to try and contribute our own ideas for board games. Charlie came up with Apocalypse Now and Forever!, Bilbo suggested The Cuddle Frizzy Hair Game, Razz opted for The Gourmet Feeling (sic), Frodo wanted to go with Pop Cat (music related, not inflating a cat and watching it explode), Beard Face came up with nothing and just picked his nose, while Frizzy Hair thought of a pirate game entitled Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not great ideas I’m sure you’d agree but compared to one of the games on The Apprentice, they were a breath of fresh air.  

Thursday

Frizzy Hair continues to talk to us all as if we’re felines with the mental capacity of cauliflowers. I was sitting near Beard Face waiting for the stupid oaf to get me some food and Frizzy Hair started gushing. “Are you looking at daddy?” she said. No woman, I thought. I’m looking at your prat of a husband whose only useful function is giving me a decent meal and he can’t even do that. The rest of the time he’s about as helpful as a set of traffic lights in the Arctic. Bilbo’s continued worshipping of Frizzy Hair probably doesn’t help her continued approach to us. We do love her but seriously, I’d love a grown up conversation one of these days.

Friday

Beard Face revelled in a Barnsley win once more. In the end it was a 3-2 win over Colchester but it was far from a relaxing experience for the old boy. He spent the first half in the toilet waiting for the score updates and the second half in a flatulent state in the garden. There was just enough air to spare the neighbourhood from being cordoned off by guys in NBC suits. Charlie was disappointed. He’s always been partial to men in uniform.

Saturday

Beard Face is really getting into Dexter even though he doesn’t always understand what’s going on. He’s nearing the end of Season 3 and confusion continues to take hold. At one point he sat there wide-eyed before shouting, “He was one of the Tommyknockers!” This was in reference to Jimmy Smits, of course, but he wasn’t one of the Tommyknockers, he was just in a TV adaptation of The Tommyknockers. It’s an important distinction and one Mr Smits is probably grateful for. Nice work in Dexter, sir.

Sunday

Just sat down to watch the tennis final between gorgeous hair Federer and rubber limbed Djokovic when Roger announced he wouldn’t be competing because of a back injury. I felt sorry for the old man but then had to make do with some exhibition matches involving Andy “Never Seems Happy” Murray and John “You Cannot Be Serious!” McEnroe. Charlie spent the time uttering McEnroe catchphrases, a way of telepathically inciting rage in the American but it didn’t have the desired effect. Perhaps Charlie’s telepathy method was to blame. He tapped the TV screen with one paw while tapping his head with another and chanting, “Feel the rage, Johnny, feel it. Come on. Feel that rage sliding into you like something slippery and wet.” I was just relieved only this household could hear Charlie’s words.

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Masterpieces #33: A Fraction of the Whole

About A Fraction of the Whole (2008) With rights sold around the world, this irreverent comic adventure spanning three continents is poised to be one of the most talked about fiction debuts of the year.

A Fraction of the Whole marks the arrival of an ambitious new writer who deftly mixes humour, surprise, and astute observations of the human condition to create a novel that entertains, scandalizes, and enlightens.

Martin Dean spent his entire life analyzing absolutely everything – from the benefits of suicide to the virtues of strip clubs versus brothels. Now that he’s dead, his son Jasper can fully reflect on the man who raised him in intellectual captivity.

As he recollects the extraordinary events that led to his father’s demise, Jasper recounts a boyhood of outrageous schemes and shocking discoveries – about his infamous and long dead criminal uncle, his tortured and mysteriously absent European mother, and Martin’s constant losing battle to make a lasting impression on the world.

It’s a story that takes them from the Australian bush to the cafes of bohemian Paris, from the Thai jungle to labyrinths, mental hospitals, and criminal lairs, from the highs of first love to the lows of rejection and failed ambition. The result is an uproarious indictment of the ridiculousness of the modern world and its mores, and the moving, memorable story of a father and son whose spiritual symmetry transcends all their many shortcomings.

 

 

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Steve Toltz – A Fraction of the Whole (2008)

Steve Toltz’s debut is a remarkable achievement for a first novel, set primarily in Australia but also taking in Paris and Thailand as well. An in-depth study of one family across three generations, A Fraction of the Whole manages to be both funny and tragic and is filled with some extraordinary events.

The novel focuses on the Dean family and begins from the perspective of Jasper who is serving time in prison for an unspecified crime. With time to reflect on the past, Jasper shares the story of his father, Martin, an uncertain pendulum between philosophical ingenuity and mental instability, who becomes the most hated man in Australia. In contrast there are also tales of Martin’s younger brother Terry who, despite being one of the most notorious criminals in Australia’s history, is also one of the republic’s most beloved sons. Toltz’s epic novel traces the origins of Martin and Terry, the former spending four years of his early life in a coma and once awake feeling maladjusted with the world, a sensation that never really dissipates throughout his life. Terry, on the other hand, is the more popular younger brother that looks out for Martin at school. Destined for success in sports, Terry’s life is transformed forever when a confrontation with two boys bullying Martin leaves Terry with a wound to his leg that ruins his chances of taking up sport at a professional level. Terry switches to crime and remains at the forefront of notoriety in the media while Martin is always in his younger brother’s shadow.

That is but a mere backdrop to A Fraction of the Whole which has many stories to tell, including the account of Jasper’s birth and why he has never known his mother. Jasper, Martin and Terry are the focal points of the novel with Toltz projecting complicated and often tragic relationships between them. Martin is constantly striving to find his place in life, gifted in unique ideas that he eventually shares with the world but often finds them backfiring. With Terry’s crime spree seeing him plastered all over the Australian newspapers he is constantly in the limelight ahead of Martin and it causes great resentment. However, the main relationship in A Fraction of the Whole is devoted to Martin and Jasper, with the latter remaining loyal to his father but finding his ideas and methods disturbing. Martin wishes to share his experiences with Jasper and teach him about the many complexities of life and the lessons he has learned along the way.

At the core of the novel is the complexity of family life that the majority of us will be fully aware of. Jasper’s relationship with his father is often bitter but from his prison cell at the novel’s outset he feels compelled to share the story of his father, Martin, and of his uncle, Terry, having reached a level of acceptance about the past. Everything Jasper sees has a profound effect on his life but how he comes to be in prison I cannot divulge for it will ruin the entire novel. For all its humour A Fraction of the Whole delivers some chilling moments in the latter stages, while the up and down relationship between Martin and Jasper will undoubtedly moisten the eyes of some readers and bring lumps to the throats of others. The novel is an emotional and exhausting journey but one well worth taking.

 

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #6

Monday

Charlie is excited about the imminent arrival of Bleaklisted Books. Championed by Beard Face and Frizzy Hair, looking to profit from the ramblings of a sadistic maniac, the book is out at the end of November and chronicles a series of books Charlie has read and condemned for a multitude of reasons. Sounds compelling reading. Think I’ll stick with my James Patterson novels.

Tuesday

Beard Face’s job search continues. This week he decided to try his luck with a job as a Cat Whisperer. He asked me if I’d mind being a guinea pig for him to experiment on before the interview. I asked him if he’d mind being a guinea pig for my experiment on whether human testicles can power a hair dryer. Surprisingly, the old boy declined, so I did the same.

This is what Beard Face looks like when he drinks at home. Thankfully, when he went out to drink in town he remembered his trousers.

Wednesday

I was a tad disappointed with The Apprentice tonight. Lord Sugar only fired one person. In fairness, she felt that Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn had grown apart before the impatient king had her beheaded. Talk about understatements. I thought she was going to imply that the Hundred Years War was just a minor disagreement that no one took seriously. History is important. Too many forget that. Go back to Ancient Egypt and look up that bit about cats being worshipped as gods. Found it? Good. Now make that the gospel of your lives.

Thursday

Beard Face’s weak grasp of technology continues to be frighteningly evident. Poor Frizzy Hair was having trouble with her Mac freezing and was worried she was about to lose her work. Beard Face suggested thawing the Mac out in the microwave or at least running it under a hot shower until it felt better. Frizzy Hair had no response to this other than to get up and leave the room.

Friday

I was in a good mood today so tried to educate Buggles about the Star Wars saga. Buggles couldn’t understand why Darth Vader wasn’t using an inhaler for his breathing difficulties and he also wondered whether Chewbacca kept such an immaculate coat by using Timotei. As for the lightsabers, well, Buggles was able to connect them to the ice cream van that stops outside our house once a week. I’ll let you complete that connection.

Saturday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair came home drunk today. They met up with Beardy’s brother and drank far too much. Beard Face was so bad that he tried to get amorous with the washing machine while Frizzy Hair mistook poor Bilbo for a toothbrush. There isn’t a feline equivalent of alcohol and days like these make me so grateful.

Sunday

Frizzy Hair wasn’t very well today so I had to be on my best behaviour. If she was upstairs, I stayed downstairs. If she entered the room, I left the room. If we were nearby I licked her hand and made a fuss of her. If she was far away I licked myself in that inappropriate manner we felines find so gratifying. It isn’t sordid. We’re just keeping ourselves clean.

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Masterpieces #32: Withnail & I

About Withnail & I (1987) Acerbic and irresistibly self-destructive Withnail (Richard E. Grant) and neurotic Marwood (Paul McGann) are down-at-the-heels actors in 1960s London, living in self-inflicted squalor and drowning their artistic frustrations with booze and any drugs they can get their hands on. Fleeing the doldrums — and unpaid bills — of the city, the pair finds themselves stuck in the less than idyllic country cottage of Withnails lascivious uncle Monty. The boundaries of friendship are outrageously tested by hunger, the hostile locals and Montys amorous advances in Director Bruce Robinsons semi-autobiographical cult favorite.

 

 

 

 

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Withnail & I (1987)

Bruce Robinson’s 80s classic has gathered a massive cult following since its release more than 25 years ago, even spawning its own drinking game, though not one that is recommended if you’re planning on surviving the night! I’ve heard variants with one camp suggesting you drink when the two main characters do and another saying you drink exactly what they drink during the film. That’s a lot to cram in during the less than two hours you’re in the company of Withnail & I.

Withnail & I is unusual in the respect there’s very little that actually happens. Two struggling actors in the 60s, fond of drugs but mostly alcohol, get away from London, have a weekend in the country then come back.  That’s it. Though it doesn’t sound exciting the genius of the film is more in what is said by the characters and, thankfully, the script is as superb as the acting. “We’ve gone on holiday by mistake,” “Lick 10% of the arses for me then” and “We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them here and we want them now” are just a taste of the highly quotable script.

Out in the country Withnail and I (his name is open to debate amongst fans) find their friendship tested by their struggle to survive some hilarious encounters with the rural locals. Humour is found in abundance in the film with far too many memorable scenes and quotes to be listed here. Drama isn’t overlooked either, particularly when Withnail and ‘I’ return to London with their friendship now at breaking point. Though the two friends haven’t been away long, London is different somehow, the sixties are coming to an end, the world is changing and they are left to decide whether to change with it or be left behind.

With the sharp script, three excellent performances from Grant, McCann and Griffiths, not to mention some pretty damn good music in the background I would challenge anyone not to find something to enjoy here. No special effects or complex storylines, just a simple narrative, but at the same time a masterpiece.

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