David M. Brown's Blog, page 14

This Month’s Films (February 2015)

The Fighter (2010)

A look at the early years of boxer “Irish” Micky Ward and his brother who helped train him before going pro in the mid 1980s.

Verdict: 8/10

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The Invisible Woman (2013)

Nelly (Felicity Jones) is haunted by her past. Her memories take us back in time to follow the story of her exciting but fragile relationship with Charles Dickens (Ralph Fiennes). Dickens – famous, controlling and emotionally isolated within his success – falls for Nelly. As Nelly becomes the focus of Dickens’ passion and his muse, for both of them secrecy is the price, and, for Nelly, a life of “invisibility”.

Verdict: 6/10

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Machete Kills (2013)

Danny Trejo returns as legendary ex-Federale Machete Cortez in this action-packed thrill ride from innovative director Robert Rodriguez. In his latest mission, Machete is recruited by the U.S. President (Carlos Estevez) to stop a crazed global terrorist (Mel Gibson) from starting a nuclear war. With a bounty on his head, Machete breaks all the rules as he faces death at every turn from a star-studded cast of deadly assassins. Featuring Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Demian Bichir, Machete Kills is “Absurdly entertaining. Defies expectations!” (Harry Knowles, Ain’t It Cool News). It’s one of the wildest save-the-world adventures ever captured on film!

Verdict: 5/10

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Nymphomaniac: Vol I (2013)

A self-diagnosed nymphomaniac (Charlotte Gainsbourg), discovered badly beaten in an alley by an older bachelor (Stellan Skarsgård), recounts the erotic story of her adolescence and young adulthood as he tends to her wounds.

Verdict: 6/10

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Nymphomaniac: Vol 2 (2013)

This continues the story of nymphomaniac Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) during her journey of self-discovery leads to darker complications. Also staring Jamie Bell, Willem Dafoe, Mia Goth, Jean-Marc Barr, Stellan Skarsgård, Stacy Martin and Shia LaBeouf.

Verdict: 5/10

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Junebug (2005)

A dealer in “outsider” art travels from Chicago to North Carolina to meet her new in-laws, challenging the equilibrium of this middle class Southern home.

Verdict: 7/10

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Carrie (2013)

Chloe Grace Moretz and Academy Awardr nominee Julianne Moore* star in this exhilarating reimagining of Stephen King’s iconic best seller. After merciless taunting from classmates and abuse at the hand of her religious fanatic mother (Moore), Carrie’s (Mortez) anger – and her telekinetic powers – are unleashed. And when a prom prank goes horribly wrong, events spiral out of control until the terrifying conclusion of this powerful, pulse-quickening horror story.

Verdict: 4/10

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Warrior (2011)

An ex-Marine haunted by a tragic past, Tommy Riordan returns to his hometown of Pittsburgh and enlists his father, a recovering alcoholic and his former coach, to train him for an MMA tournament awarding the biggest purse in the history of the sport. As Tommy blazes a violent path toward the title prize, his brother Brendan, a former MMA fighter unable to make ends meet as a public school teacher, returns to the amateur ring to provide for his family. Even though years have passed, recriminations and past betrayals keep Brendan bitterly estranged from both Tommy and his father. But when Brendan’s unlikely rise as an underdog sets him on a collision course with Tommy, the two brothers must finally confront the forces that tore them apart, all the while waging the most intense winner-take-all battle of their lives.

Verdict: 8/10

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Frank (2014)

Frank (Michael Fassbender), is a genius rock musician who never removes his giant fake head. Things get rocky between his bandmates Clara and Jon, who is convinced they’re meant for stardom. They land their biggest gig, but are they ready?

Verdict: 8/10

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Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)

When a Category 7 hurricane pummels New York, the surging flood waters bring thousands of sharks. To make matters worse, tornadoes soon dot the horizon. As Sharknadoes tear through the city, no vehicle, building, or national monument is safe.

Verdict: 2/10

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In the House (2012)

A high school French teacher gets increasingly drawn into a precocious student’s increasingly transgressive story about his relationship with a friend’s family.

Verdict: 8/10

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Oz the Great and Powerful (2013)

Disney’s fantastical adventure Oz The Great And Powerful, from the director of the Spider-Man trilogy, follows Oscar Diggs (James Franco), a small-time circus magician with dubious ethics. When Diggs is hurled away to the vibrant Land of Oz, he thinks he’s hit the jackpot — until he meets three witches (Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams), who aren’t convinced he’s the great wizard everyone’s expecting. Reluctantly drawn into epic problems facing Oz and its inhabitants, Oscar must find out who is good and who is evil before it’s too late. Putting his magical arts to use through illusion, ingenuity — and even some wizardry — Oscar transforms himself into the great wizard and a better man as well. 

Verdict: 6/10

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The American Friend (1977)

Tom Ripley, who deals in forged art, suggests a picture framer he knows would make a good hit man.

Verdict: 7/10

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Vera Drake (2004)

Based on a true story, Vera Drake tells of a woman in 1950s England who is devoted to caring for her family, but secretly aids women who want to terminated unwanted pregnancies. When the authorities find her out, Vera’s world and family life rapidly unravel.

Verdict: 9/10

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The Railway Man (2013)

Academy Award Winners Colin Firth and Nicole Kidman star in the remarkable autobiography of Eric Lomax (Colin Firth), a British Army officer who is captured by the Japanese during WWII and sent to a POW camp, where he is tormented and forced to work on the Thai-Burma Railway. Decades later, still suffering the trauma of his wartime experiences, Lomax and his wife Patti (Nicole Kidman) discover that the Japanese interpreter responsible for much of his treatment is still alive and set out to confront him, in this powerful and inspiring tale of heroism, humanity and the redeeming power of love.

Verdict: 9/10

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Twilight of the Ice Nymphs (1997)

TWILIGHT OF THE ICE NYMPHS is the most elaborate and surreal fantasia from the master of all things libidinal. Starring Shelley Duvall, Frank Gorshin, and Alice Krige (STAR TREK’s Borg Queen), this tale of lusty delirium and unrequited love is set in the mystical land of Mandragora, a supremely sensual dream world which pulses with ethereal, vibrating colors and bizarre flourishes of art direction.

Verdict: 4/10

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Zero Dark Thirty (2012)

For a decade, an elite team of intelligence and military operatives, working in secret across the globe, devoted themselves to a single goal: to find and eliminate Osama bin Laden. ZERO DARK THIRTY reunites the Oscar-winning team of director-producer Kathryn Bigelow and writer-producer Mark Boal (2009, Best Picture, THE HURT LOCKER) for the story of history’s greatest manhunt for the world’s most dangerous man.

Verdict: 8/10

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Les Miserables (2012)

Hugh Jackman, Academy Award winner Russell Crowe and Anne Hathaway star in this critically-acclaimed adaptation of the epic musical phenomenon. Set against the backdrop of 19th-century France, Les Misérables tells the story of ex-prisoner Jean Valjean (Jackman), hunted for decades by the ruthless policeman Javert (Crowe), after he breaks parole. When Valjean agrees to care for factory worker Fantine’s (Hathaway) young daughter, Cosette, their lives change forever. This enthralling story is a timeless testament to the survival of the human spirit and “an unforgettable experience” (Richard Roeper, RichardRoeper.com).

Verdict: 9/10

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Calvary (2014)

A priest who is intent on helping to make the world a better place finds his life threatened one day during confession.

Verdict: 8/10

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Gomorrah (2008)

Matteo Garrone’s Gomorrah is a stark, shocking vision of contemporary gangsterdom, and one of cinema’s most authentic depictions of organized crime. In this tour de force adaptation of undercover Italian reporter Roberto Saviano’s best-selling exposé of Naples’ Mafia underworld (known as the Camorra), Garrone links five disparate tales in which men and children are caught up in a corrupt system that extends from the housing projects to the world of haute couture. Filmed with an exquisite detachment interrupted by bursts of violence, Gomorrah is a shattering, socially engaged true-crime story from a major new voice in Italian cinema.

Verdict: 7/10

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Stop at Nothing (2014)

You think you know this story? You don’t. From the producers of Academy Award winning film, ONE DAY IN SEPTEMBER, and BAFTA Award winning Director Alex Holmes, this documentary is an intimate but explosive portrait of the man behind the greatest fraud in sporting history. Lance Armstrong enriched himself by cheating his fans, his sport and the truth. But the former friends whose lives and careers he destroyed, would prove to be his nemesis.

Verdict: 8/10

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Pantani: The Accidental Death of a Cyclist (2014)

“Pantani’s is perhaps the greatest cycling story ever told”–Ned Boulting “Essential watching even for anyone who can’t stand the sport” ****–Total Film “Stunning portrayal of a great sporting tragedy” ****–Rouleur In 1998 Marco Pantani, the most flamboyant and popular cyclist of his era, won both the Tour de France and Giro d’Italia–a titanic feat of physical and mental endurance that no rider has repeated since. He was a hero to millions–the saviour of professional cycling following the doping scandals which threatened to destroy the sport. However, less than six years later, aged just 34, he died alone, in a cheap Italian hotel room. This film is not just about cycling but an emotional exploration of what drives athletes to compete; man versus mountain, athlete versus the system, Marco Pantani versus himself. Extras: Extended interviews with Greg LeMond, Matt Rendell and Richard Williams.

Verdict: 8/10

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In the Realm of the Senses (1976)

Still censored in its own country, In the Realm of the Senses (Ai no corrida), by Japanese director Nagisa Oshima, remains one of the most controversial films of all time. A graphic portrayal of insatiable sexual desire, Oshima’s film, set in 1936 and based on a true incident, depicts a man and a woman (Tatsuya Fuji and Eiko Matsuda) consumed by a transcendent, destructive love while living in an era of ever escalating imperialism and governmental control. Less a work of pornography than of politics, In the Realm of the Senses is a brave, taboo-breaking milestone.

Verdict: 6/10

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A Long Way Down (2014)

In this touching comedy based on the acclaimed novel by Nick Hornby, A LONG WAY DOWN centers on four strangers (Pierce Brosnan, Toni Collette, Aaron Paul and Imogen Poots) who decide to end it all on New Year’s Eve. However, when they meet by chance on a London rooftop, they agree to halt their plans for six weeks. Along the way, they discover that even accidental, dysfunctional families make life worth living.

Verdict: 8/10

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The Warriors (1979)

In 1979 a charismatic leader summons the street gangs of New York City in a bid to take it over. When he is killed, The Warriors are falsely blamed and now must fight their way home while every other gang is hunting them down to kill them.

Verdict: 6/10

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Rudderless (2014)

Award-winning actor William H. Macy makes his directorial debut in this heartfelt and inspirational drama lead by an exemplary cast. Sam (Billy Crudup), a former high-profile ad executive, is devastated by the sudden death of his musician son. When Sam discovers a box filled with his son’s demo tapes, the grieving father’s downward spiral comes to a standstill as he explores this unexpected gift. After mustering the will to perform one of the songs at a local bar, Sam meets and forms a friendship with Quentin (Anton Yelchin), a young musician. The unlikely duo forms a rock band that becomes a local sensation, and they set out on an emotional musical journey that ultimately revitalizes both of their lives.

Verdict: 8/10

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Hannah and Her Sisters (1986)

Academy Award-winning comedy drama from Woody Allen. Hannah (Mia Farrow), a wife, mother, successful actress and linchpin to her family, is married to Elliot (Michael Caine), but Elliot is in love with Lee (Barbara Hershey), Hannah’s sister. Holly (Dianne Weist), Hannah’s other sister, is jealous of Hannah, whilst Mickey (Woody Allen), Hannah’s first husband, is convinced he is dying of a brain tumour. When Hannah’s world is turned upside down by all her relatives’ behaviour, she finds she has to choose between her family and her independence. Oscars were won by Caine, Wiest and Allen (for his screenplay).

Verdict: 7/10

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The post This Month’s Films (February 2015) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

The Bleaklisted Movies: Fatal Attraction

About The Bleaklisted Movies

Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

Fatal Attraction (1987)

What happens?

Married guy has an affair, wishes he hadn’t, then the whole thing is resolved by cooking the Easter Bunny.

Reason for bleaklisting?

Glenn Close’s hair. I don’t care if it was the eighties, that look is just not on.

What should have happened?

Stan the Builder is an architect who is happily married to Steph and they have a dog named Odg, because they have a fondness for anagrams. One day while Steph is out walking Odg, Stan has a fling at the office with his secretary, Filofax, because he’s desperate for sex and it’s a very long walk that Steph has taken Odg on. Unfortunately, Stan has his illicit liaison with Filofax while he’s in the middle of drawing plans for a new skyscraper in the city. The plans are not checked and the building work goes ahead. Rather than your traditional vertical style building, this new project starts off okay but then bends like a banana at the top. Stan’s mistake proves very costly with anyone going higher than the 20th floor becoming disoriented and believing themselves to be apprentices of 80s animated hero, Banana Man. With rare cases, the banana comparisons make them think of some really crazy things that I won’t repeat here. Filofax, now infatuated with Stan, lures Steph and Odg to the 20th floor of the new building and everything goes wrong. Steph believes herself to be a banana plant in Milton Keynes while Odg flips out when his name is changed to Dog. Unable to cope with his guilt, Stan finds Filofax and kills her with an iPhone. He’s then arrested for murder and for making a dodgy looking building.

Working title?

Fatal Erection.

Tagline?

On the other side of a one night stand lies a terrifyingly rude building.

Who should direct?

Brian De Palma.

Who should star?

Tom Selleck, Kathleen Turner, Goldie Hawn and Lassie as Odg.

Mr B compares the stories

Fatal Attraction is a classic eighties thriller, a useful warning about the dangers of infidelity. Rather than stick with the original format, Charlie has decided to be somewhat juvenile with an architect building a skyscraper shaped like a banana. Why such a building would be made and why it would lead to bizarre banana-related delusions isn’t really explained but what’s new in Charlie land? Magnum PI and Kathleen Turner for this one, Charlie? Both great actors but this cesspit of a script idea is probably worse than anything that has ever been pitched to them. Also, what have Goldie Hawn and Lassie done to deserve this dribble?

The post The Bleaklisted Movies: Fatal Attraction appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #22

Monday

A new week and a new direction in the job hunt for Beard Face today. He decided to try his hand at photography. He bought a cheap camera off Dodgy Derek over on Rip Off Crescent and began wandering around taking pictures. It wasn’t long before the old boy ended up getting arrested. Approaching people and saying things such as “Could you bend over a little more,” “Give me a happy face mixed with self-loathing,” “Just tie the kid to that bench while I serenade you,” and “Look at the camera and pretend it’s your next slice of chocolate cake topped with my whipped cream” turned out to be a bad idea in the end.

Tuesday

Beard Face is really getting into Skyrim. He’s approaching 30 hours of gameplay and is now making bad jokes that other gamers probably made when the game was first released. He’s especially fond of the “arrow to the knee” phrase that some of the characters come up with. “Do the dishes,” Frizzy Hair says. “I used to do the dishes,” Beard Face replied, “but then I took an arrow to the knee.” He kept up this ridiculous excuse until Charlie intervened with a crossbow. Now Beard Face really can claim to have suffered an arrow to the knee.

The camera Beard Face acquired wasn’t as fancy as this one.

Wednesday

Frizzy Hair hasn’t been feeling so well today. She asked Beard Face to go out and get her some herbal tea. In theory this was a very good idea. If anything is going to make you better it’s some herbal tea. Rather than go to the supermarket to locate an appropriate product, Beard Face got a cup, filled it with hot water, then proceeded to gather cuttings from the lawn and the surrounding plants. Presented with this disgusting concoction, Frizzy Hair threw the contents in the old boy’s face before storming out of the house. We never got to find out if Beard Face’s herbal tea would have been effective but I’m guessing not.

Thursday

Unbelievable day today. It was Beard Face and Frizzy Hair’s six year anniversary. Six years together, five years married. How to come to terms with the old girl’s sacrifice is very difficult. Imagine spending six years of your life with someone so hideous that they failed the medical at the Annual Ogre Convention. The old boy has been far from a great husband to Frizzy Hair, incapable of the simplest little tasks but to his credit he has just about mastered toilet training now. Who knows what he may achieve in the next six years.

Friday

Our idiotic owners were out of the house almost all day today. They were seeing family which proved annoying as I was unable to get out of the house. If that wasn’t bad enough I was left stunned by the news that Beard Face has finally landed a job interview. Someone out there is actually considering hiring the beard. I don’t know who they are or how much they’ve been drinking but hopefully they’ll come to their senses real soon. That said, Beard Face being out of the house all day sounds wonderful.

Saturday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have started a House of Cards marathon. Season 3 has just begun so they’ve been delving into the intrigue and back stabbing of American politics. It’s all too complicated for Beard Face who keeps waiting for the deck of playing cards to appear. Charlie is in his element with the show though. He loves Frank Underwood though wishes he’d shoot the odd person rather than outsmarting them with words.

Sunday

Beard Face is happy again. Barnsley FC have a new manager and they’ve now remembered the art of winning football matches involves scoring goals. A week or so ago it was doom and gloom, now the beard has aspirations of promotion, winning the World Cup and after that healing the world. Somewhere along the way my idiotic owner has suffered some kind of breakdown resulting in chronic delusions or as I like to call them wishful thinking.

The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #22 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #21

Monday

Another week, another job search for Beard Face. Today he turned his focus to opening a ski resort here in Barnsley. He was inspired by footage of winter sports and some very impressive people breaking the ski jump world record. Beard Face contacted the local council and put forward proposals to turn our garden into the said ski resort. Given how small it is, the lack of a slope, the lack of snow and the beard’s lack of skiing knowledge, the local authority sensibly passed on the opportunity to fund this ridiculous venture.

Tuesday

Beard Face finished reading Shakespeare’s Hamlet today and immediately began reciting passages from the tragedy. I don’t think any of the lines he recited were actually accurate but that’s not a big surprise really. Examples such as “Toby or not Toby” and “I have a date, with whom I know not” were pretty embarrassing but the worst came towards the end of the day. Beard Face clutched a skull, not a real one but one you put money in that is wearing headphones, before he solemnly spoke, “Our lass, poor Porky, I knew your smell.”

Charlie believed all of these guys were heading his way during the Oscars ceremony. He would be left very disappointed.

Wednesday

Beard Face has been listening to A Game of Thrones and is becoming obsessed with it. When Frizzy Hair was making a bolognese the beard suddenly piped up with, “Cooking is just like A Game of Thrones. Everything always changes.” I’d just used the litter tray when he came out with “Fear cuts deeper than swords.” I just ignored him and continued with my day but poor Frizzy Hair eventually hurled a frying pan at his head and said, “A frying pan cuts deeper than swords, you moron.”

Thursday

I’m stuck inside because of the bloody weather. It was glorious sunshine yesterday but today it’s grey and miserable. The sudden change in the weather caused great confusion in the household. Buggles began to cry and wondered whether the rain was the result of Betty White crying during a viewing of The Notebook. Charlie believed the arrival of rain is clearly a ruse for an impending siege against his fortress that exists only in his mind. We are yet to see any sign of the besiegers but in some respects I hope they do arrive just to shut Charlie up.

Friday

It was Love Your Pet Day today so Frizzy Hair refrained from making Beard Face lunch and cooked for myself and the other cats instead. We enjoyed some leftover chicken and suffice to say it was delicious. Beard Face had to make do with whatever he managed to scrape from under his armpits. It sounds disgusting and even cruel but he did find a doughnut under one armpit and half a pizza under the other so he didn’t too badly in the end.

Saturday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair hit the alcohol this evening while viewing A Long Way Down. I didn’t stick around but it sounded like it would be something of an emotional roller coaster of a movie. The early signs were ominous with Beard Face making jokes about the title such as, “I wonder if it’s about a drive down to Southampton,” “I wonder if it’s about a drive down to Italy,” or “I wonder if it’s about someone driving to New Zealand.” Frizzy Hair resorted to knocking her idiotic husband out with a well-aimed strike from her laptop before enjoying the evening’s viewing. Beard Face remains unconscious and a part of me hopes that status update will remain unchanged.

Sunday

It was Oscars night tonight so we all settled in to watch the ceremony. Charlie had a live feed set up so he could make multiple acceptance speeches. Although he hadn’t been nominated in any category he assured us that he would win all the awards including Best Actress for a unnamed movie that didn’t actually exist but given how open-minded the Academy is Charlie felt certain that this wouldn’t be a problem. He intended to be part of the first non-existent movie to sweep the Oscars board but sadly the Academy were boring and opted for movies that are real instead.

The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #21 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

Goodreads Challenge and SavvyReaders #50BookPledge: Books 1-20

I’ve done the Goodreads reading challenge several times now – see my 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014 challenges here – but this year I’m combining the Goodreads challenge and the SavvyReaders 50 Book Pledge.

Here are my books 1-20 of the challenges so far. Each book links through to Goodreads in case you’d like to know more.

1-20 Challenge Books [see the SlideDeck] Are you doing any challenges? Which have been your favourite reads of 2015 so far?

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The Book of Unwritten Tales 2: The Musical

I see a fair few game trailers but I have to say that a musical style trailer is something of a novelty. So, when I received this from Nordic Games this morning, I felt it was well worth posting, lyrics, score and all. Enjoy!

About The Book of Unwritten Tales 2Legend foretold it. Prophecies predicted it. Chosen ones chose to believe in it. Now the adventure saga continues. A sequel is coming. A sequel to one of the most acclaimed fantasy spoof adventure games in the history of fantasy spoof adventure games. Help Wilbur, Ivo, Nate and Critter fulfill their yet unwritten destiny.

Reviews

“King Art Games are well on their way to make BoUT 2 even bigger, better and prettier than its predecessor” – Hookedgamers.com, GamesCom 2014

“Whoever loves puzzles and humor, will cherish BoUT 2” – Computerbild Spiele, GamesCom 2014

Features

A new adventure from KING Art, the creators of The Book of Unwritten Tales, The Critter Chronicles and The Raven – Legacy of a Master Thief
A fantasy story with over 20 hours of pointing and clicking
The trademark BoUT-humor, lovingly spoofing WoW, LotR, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, Discworld, The Hobbit and more
Hundreds of weird, yet oddly logical puzzles
The well-proven “Multi-Character-Gameplay”
An ensemble of quirky characters, both well-established and brand-new Projection Mapping technology unites the merits of 2D and 3D styles and technique
An epic soundtrack with all the classics and many new compositions
The established four playable characters Wilbur, Nate, Ivo and Critter
Languages: English, German

Steam Amazon

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The Bleaklisted Movies: 2001: A Space Odyssey

About The Bleaklisted Movies

Many moons ago a despotic cat named Charlie decided that he wanted to be a book critic. It would fit so nicely with his existing roles as food critic, dog critic and owner critic. Thus The Bleaklisted Books was born.

After fifty books Charlie ran out of the limited ideas and inspiration he had and turned his attention to the world of films. We apologise but this dictatorial little beast will not be contained.

Read at your risk… (And beware… SPOILERS!)

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

What happens?

There’s four acts. The first bit is prehistoric. The second bit is in space. The third bit is in space. The fourth bit is in space.

Reason for bleaklisting?

It’s almost entirely in space.

What should have happened?

There are four acts tracing the evolution of Beard Face. The first begins with Beard Face’s ancestors, who consume 1001 calories a day, and live in the dinosaur age. They are left transfixed by a giant chocolate bar that mysteriously appears near their home but is too big for any of them to finish in one sitting. The second act is on the moon where Beard Face, who consumes 2001 calories per day, encounters a similar giant chocolate bar but is unable to finish it because he always has half a dozen pizzas before dessert. The third act is on a space station controlled by the computer VAL who insults Beard Face daily with such names as “flubber wubber” and “wide boy.” Beard Face is now consuming 3001 calories a day and during one nocturnal walk in search of a snack he bumps into the giant chocolate bar again but still can’t finish it. The final act sees Beard Face discover yet another chocolate bar. He is now consuming 4001 calories a day and in one sitting successfully consumes the mysterious chocolate bar. Beard Face is transformed into a small boy, donning a cowboy outfit and armed with some toy guns with a disappointing bang. Realising he’s become the Milky Bar Kid, Beard Face floats on a giant white chocolate bar towards Earth and ponders the meaning of life and truffles.

Working title?

4001 Calories: The Beard Face Odyssey.

Tagline?

A Super Calorific Expedition That’s Atrocious!

Who should direct?

Christopher Nolan.

Who should star?

Christian Bale, Scarlett Johansson (as VAL) and Keanu Reeves (as the giant chocolate bar).

Mr B compares the stories

I’m not sure whether to be offended or honoured by this one. Charlie has laid the foundations for a movie about me and chosen to rework Stanley Kubrick’s sci-fi classic in the process. The replacement of the monolith in the original with a chocolate bar here doesn’t really cut it for me and as for the increased calorie count, well, that’s just rude. Stick to the original here, folks. It might leave you scratching your head a bit at the end but it’s a small price to pay for avoiding Charlie’s Milky Bar denouement.

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #20

Monday

Beard Face continued the seemingly endless job search this week. He decided to interview for a position as a lap dancer this time. He dressed appropriately for the interview with a bra stuffed with bread rolls and even wore a blonde wig to really enhance the look. The worrying thing was the club’s owner, Mr Sleazy, who declined Beard Face for the gig, not down to his appearance, but down to his inability to dance in high heels. So near and yet so far for our hapless owner.

Tuesday

Charlie is excited about the football tonight. Apparently Barnsley FC are playing Fleetwood. Beard Face is predicting a 2-0 win, Charlie is predicting the Barnsley players will have to pit their wits against a fleet of ships, all made of wood of course, because Charlie is a simpleton and easily confused by words. I don’t want to go into the frenzy he was in when first encountering the town of Penistone. That one gave him nightmares. In the end it was a 2-1 defeat for Barnsley and a manager sacked the following day. Harsh.

This is what Beard Face looks like trying to converse with children. He struggles for about 10 minutes before trying the French Revolution as a starter topic.

Wednesday

The weather continues to be dry but cold. Beard Face came back from a run clutching his private area and informing us that he’d been outside so long that icicles had developed on his more tender regions. Poor Frizzy Hair had the unenviable task of removing these for the old boy. We all left the frozen icicle of snot hanging from his nose though. That one was just too funny to tell him about straight away.

Thursday

Frizzy Hair has been in hysterics watching celebrities taking part in The Great British Bake Off. Beard Face spent the entire episode admiring one of the women with purple hair and thick glasses. I was too polite to point out this was actually a man dressed as a woman. I know Beard Face wears glasses but that’s really no excuse for not being able to tell the difference between a woman and someone pretending to be a woman. As for Frizzy Hair, well, she laughed herself into unconsciousness and was used by Bilbo as a night long pillow.

Friday

Friday the 13th. A bad day of the year when bad things tend to happen. Beard Face woke up this morning so the day certainly lived up to its reputation. He’s been coughing in a pitiful manner for most of the day as well. He keeps claiming that he’s ill yet goes for a run and exacerbates the problem. As much as I’d like to tell him to take it easy and not make himself worse, I actually want him to get at least a little more ill. I’m not saying anything life threatening, not yet anyway, but at least something that leaves him bedridden.

Saturday

Beard Face has been cleaning the house with a vengeance today. He used pretty much every household appliance to get the job done. It was admirable for a time but became somewhat unnerving when I walked into the living room and found him trying to clean dirt off the wall not with a cloth or anything but by reciting a passage from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. I’m not sure whether the piece of dirt appreciated the recital or not but it did nothing to make it budge. Six hours he spent doing this!

Sunday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were out of the house for most of the day. They went to see Frizzy Hair’s mum and some other relatives including a two year old niece. Beard Face continued to demonstrate his utter incompetence when conversing with children. While the poor girl was trying to play with her toys the beard asked such questions as “Barnsley were shit last night, weren’t they?”, “Who are you voting for at the next General Election?” and “Have you seen the price of a pint of lager these days? Absolutely disgusting.”

The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #20 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

We’re on a #DECHOX for BHF this March 2015!

I like chocolate – a lot – but a ‘giving up’ challenge isn’t a challenge unless it’s something you like. Otherwise I’d be giving up anchovies for the entire year of 2015.

The reason I’m taking the #DECHOX challenge with David is to raise money for the British Heart Foundation. We figure that 31 days without chocolate is a small price to pay if it means we can do some good: raise some money and some awareness for a great charity.

Here are BHF’s answers to a few questions…

What the heck is a DECHOX?

A nationwide sponsored challenge to give up chocolate for March and raise money for lifesaving heart research. Any sort of cocoa is a no-no, which means chocolate sweets, treats, biscuits, ice cream, cake – and even the chocolate sprinkles on your cappuccino – are off limits during March.

Why donate to BHF?

One in four of the UK population is lost to heart and circulatory disease every year and there are currently seven million people in the UK living with the disease. The BHF supports vital research and education. You can find out more here.

What can your money do?

As little as £3 (the price of a large chocolate bar), could pay for three disposable flasks that are used daily by our scientists in their pioneering research. £10 (the cost of a fancy cake) could pay for a story pack to help a child grieve for the loss of a loved one.

How to help

You can get involved in the DECHOX challenge yourself by signing up here.

If you’d like to donate (YAY!) it’s really easy. You can visit our JustGiving page here or you can send a text message to 70070 saying DMBS90 £1 to donate a quid. Or £2 for two, £5 for five etc etc.

Oh and please don’t buy us chocolate. The torment. The torment!

Thanks for reading!

The post We’re on a #DECHOX for BHF this March 2015! appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

Valentine’s #LoveToListen Giveaway: Celebrating Audiobooks

This Valentine’s Day we’re joining Terri Giuliano Long, author of In Leah’s Wake, to share the #LoveToListen giveaway. To mark this day of celebration, David Brown shares his favourite audiobooks.

A Different Way of Reading

I’ve always enjoyed books but it is only in recent years that I have become an audiobook convert. My wife, Donna, suggested I give them a try, having been an addict herself for many years. I will admit I approached audiobooks with many reservations but soon found I was listening to more books than reading them. I listened to them whenever I could, be it at home doing household chores or walking to work.

The best audiobooks are those that are not only great stories to begin with but that owe a great debt to their narrators. A really good narrator can enhance a story tenfold, whereas others can severely diminish the experience. For Valentine’s Day I have looked back through all my audiobooks and narrowed my listens down to six great reads. I have chosen these not for the stories alone but because their respective narrators made the experience so much more rewarding.

I would love to hear about your favourite audiobooks and why they stood out ahead of the others so please feel free to comment.

Kazuo Ishiguro – The Remains of the Day (1988)

Narrated by Dominic West

I committed the cardinal sin of seeing the movie before reading the book here but it did nothing to diminish this wonderful story. West’s narration was delightful from start to finish as ageing butler, Mr Stevens recounts his long years as a butler and of the housekeeper – Ms Kenton – who has a profound impact on his life.

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A.J. Jacobs – The Year of Living Biblically (2007)

Narrated by A.J. Jacobs

I’ve read a few of Jacobs’ books and each one is a delight, chronicling a life experiment that he always takes very seriously…sometimes too seriously. Jacobs’ year of following the Bible closely remains his best one for me and his books are at their best when narrated by the author. I listened to one with a different narrator and it just wasn’t the same. You can’t help but find Jacobs endearing as a person though I always sympathise greatly with his poor wife, Julie.

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Jon Ronson – Lost at Sea (2012)

Narrated by Jon Ronson

Comparable to A.J. Jacobs in some respects, Jon Ronson is a journalist who tends to find himself deep in trouble and always at the very heart of his stories of real-life characters and strange occurrences. With his gentle, mild-mannered tone I often wonder how Ronson gets as far as he does with his assignments but each one is often memorable and always amusing. The recent movie Frank is based on one of Ronson’s tales but this collection remains his best work for me.

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Matthew Quick – The Silver Linings Playbook (2008)

Narrated by Ray Porter

Quick’s debut novel became an instant favourite for me. It was my book of the year in 2013. It’s a fast read but crams a lot into its pages, being a poignant look at mental illness, family, friendship and a great romance to boot. Porter really brought the story to life by giving voices to each of the characters. He did it so well that those voices are my first associations of the characters now, even after seeing David O. Russell’s Oscar winning adaptation.

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John Irving – A Prayer for Owen Meany (1989)

Narrated by Joe Barrett

Arguably John Irving’s finest novel, A Prayer for Owen Meany is the moving account of friends – Johnny Wheelwright and Owen Meany – who grow up together with Owen having a significant impact on Johnny’s life. The character of Owen Meany is a unique creation and under Joe Barrett’s respectful narration Owen comes to life beautifully, a boy marred by stunted growth and a high-pitched voice that remains even as an adult. I distinctly remember listening to the book as its conclusion approached and my wife listened in and was soon in tears with me not far behind. It was that good. I’m unsure whether this is my favourite audiobook or whether the honour belongs to The Silver Linings Playbook. If my hand was forced I’d have to go with A Prayer for Owen Meany but it’s very close.

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Paul Murray – Skippy Dies (2010)

Narrated by John Keating

Though not a five star read for me personally, Skippy Dies has to feature here. As with A Prayer for Owen Meany and The Silver Linings Playbook, the strength of Skippy Dies comes with Keating’s flawless narration and voice acting. The variety of voices throughout a boarding school in Dublin are terrific – from the teachers to the students – with the school’s acting head teacher easily being the funniest of the lot especially when he’s angry.

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The #LoveToListen giveaway is sponsored by these audiobooks

In Leah's Wake
Losing Heart
Man vs Cat

In Leah's WakeAbout In Leah's Wake In this haunting coming-of-age novel, award-winning author Terri Giuliano Long delves into every parents’ nightmare as a rebellious teenage daughter unravels before her family, forcing them to reevaluate the choices they’ve made….

Star player and captain of her soccer team, sixteen-year-old Leah Tyler has a bright future ahead of her. Though she’s only in her junior year of high school, several colleges have already expressed interest in recruiting Leah–including Harvard, where her father desperately wants her to go. But when she meets bad boy Todd Corbett, her life soon spirals dangerously out of control.

From ignoring her curfew to experimenting with drugs, Leah is breaking every rule. For the first time in her life, she feels like she’s the one in control, making her own decisions instead of following her parents’ dreams. But as Leah is about to discover, her actions have the power to forever fracture her family.

Amazon Audible Audible UK
Losing HeartAbout Losing Heart “I hate you. I hate you with all of Sylvia’s heart.”

Helen has waited for months for the heart that will save her life. After reaching out to the grieving mother of her donor heart, Helen realizes that a second chance comes at a price. The price, she soon realizes, is much steeper than she’d ever have chosen to pay.

There’s more than one way to break a heart. There’s more than one way to destroy a life.

Amazon Audible Audible UK
Man vs CatAbout Man vs Cat
History has known many famous cats – Garfield, Mr Bigglesworth, Simon’s Cat, the Aristocats, the Cheshire cat and the Keyboard Cat on YouTube.

In recent years these feline things have replaced man’s best friend as the most popular pet in the U.S. while the Ancient Egyptians once worshipped them as gods. This was a mistake and I’m here to tell you why.

Man vs Cat is the story of one man, one woman and the six cats that changed their lives forever. To the woman they brought love and affection, to the man they brought sleepless nights, fear, paranoia and even ruined his jigsaw. Need I say more?

Parental advisory: our cats cannot be relied upon to moderate their language. Sorry kids, this isn’t for you!

Amazon Audible Audible
Giveaway

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Good luck!

The post Valentine’s #LoveToListen Giveaway: Celebrating Audiobooks appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.