David M. Brown's Blog, page 17

This Month’s Books (December 2014)

Clive Barker – Weaveworld (1987)

Clive Barker has made his mark on modern fiction by exposing all that is surreal and magical in the ordinary world — and exploring the profound and overwhelming terror that results. With its volatile mix of the fantastical and the contemporary, the everyday and the otherworldly,Weaveworld is an epic work of dark fantasy and horror — a tour de force from one of today’s most forceful and imaginative artists.

Barker turns from his usual horror to epic-length fantasy for this account of the Fugue, a magical land inhabited by descendants of supernatural beings who once shared the earth with humans. The Fugue has been woven into a carpet for protection against those who would destroy it; the death of its guardian occasions a battle between good and particularly repulsive evil forces for control of the Fugue. Weaveworld is rich with memorable characters, exciting situations, and pockets of Barker’s trademark horror.

Verdict: 3/5

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Neil Gaiman – The Ocean at the End of the Lane (2013)

Sussex, England. A middle-aged man returns to his childhood home to attend a funeral. Although the house he lived in is long gone, he is drawn to the farm at the end of the road, where, when he was seven, he encountered a most remarkable girl, Lettie Hempstock, and her mother and grandmother. He hasn’t thought of Lettie in decades, and yet as he sits by the pond (a pond that she’d claimed was an ocean) behind the ramshackle old farmhouse, the unremembered past comes flooding back. And it is a past too strange, too frightening, too dangerous to have happened to anyone, let alone a small boy.

Forty years earlier, a man committed suicide in a stolen car at this farm at the end of the road. Like a fuse on a firework, his death lit a touchpaper and resonated in unimaginable ways. The darkness was unleashed, something scary and thoroughly incomprehensible to a little boy. And Lettie—magical, comforting, wise beyond her years—promised to protect him, no matter what.

A groundbreaking work from a master, The Ocean at the End of the Lane is told with a rare understanding of all that makes us human, and shows the power of stories to reveal and shelter us from the darkness inside and out. It is a stirring, terrifying, and elegiac fable as delicate as a butterfly’s wing and as menacing as a knife in the dark.

Verdict: 4/5

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Matthew Inman – The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances (2014)

This is not just a book about running. It’s a book about cupcakes. It’s a book about suffering.

It’s a book about gluttony, vanity, bliss, electrical storms, ranch dressing, and Godzilla. It’s a book about all the terrible and wonderful reasons we wake up each day and propel our bodies through rain, shine, heaven, and hell.

From #1 New York Times best-selling author, Matthew Inman, AKA The Oatmeal, comes this hilarious, beautiful, poignant collection of comics and stories about running, eating, and one cartoonist’s reasons for jogging across mountains until his toenails fall off.

Containing over 70 pages of never-before-seen material, including “A Lazy Cartoonist’s Guide to Becoming a Runner” and “The Blerch’s Guide to Dieting,” this book also comes with Blerch race stickers.

Verdict: 4/5

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The post This Month’s Books (December 2014) appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #13

Monday

Beard Face began the Christmas week with his continued search for a job. Getting all festive he decided that it was time to apply for a job as one of Santa’s elves. It was a bit late in the month to be offering his yuletide services and Santa wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about the idea either. I’m not sure what it was but I’m guessing the old boy suggesting that all kids be given advice on taxes and pensions rather than presents may have been the clincher.

Tuesday

Even though he was already far too late, Beard Face made a last ditch attempt to secure the Christmas no.1 in the UK charts. This had already been achieved by some guy from X-Factor but facts like that don’t deter the bearded one. Unsurprisingly, his composition was somewhat lacking in lyrical brilliance, musical aptitude and even festivity. Here it is, in all its whatever the opposite of glory is:-

It’s Christmas, yeah, which means it’s December.

There are days in December.

There are days in the other months.

These days countdown to Christmas though.

I suppose the others do too but not in the same way as December.

I don’t wish it could be Christmas everyday because it’s bloody expensive.

Not to mention it wouldn’t work, you know, I mean think about it.

All that shopping, all that food, all those sodding lights and what’s with a snowman’s nose.

So let’s boycott Christmas next year, what do you say?

Instead of Christmas let’s make it a pajama day.

Yeah, pajamas are freaking awesome, man.

So, just like that, Christmas is gone and pajamas are here.

You can thank me later by buying me whisky or something.

I like whisky, absolutely love it, no matter how much it makes me sick.

Anyone over Christmas yet? Good. Knew it wouldn’t take long.

Actually, I’ve changed my mind. Can we bring back Christmas?

This wouldn’t be much of a Christmas song without it.

Is that it? Is that enough for a Christmas song?

It had better be because genius such as this is in short supply.  

What do you think? Riveting, eh?

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair wouldn’t put decorations up out of fear we’d knock them over. We would have done.

Wednesday

Christmas Eve was finally here and both Charlie and Buggles stayed up late to finally put their plans into action. Their target was to capture Santa Claus and interrogate him about everything he does. Somehow Charlie had the idea that Santa’s career could be applied to war and to fulfilling his aspirations of world domination. Did Charlie have in mind to arm the reindeer with guns, have Santa drop bombs from his sleigh, that sort of thing? He didn’t really say. Charlie and Buggles waited, and waited, and waited but Santa failed to show. Charlie could only assume that Santa had got wise to his scheme and steered clear of the Brown household. I knew the truth of course. Santa didn’t come to see us because Beard Face was undeserving of gifts this year and the rest of us have to suffer along with him. Santa can be a real bitch sometimes.

Thursday

Christmas Day was finally here and despite my fears that there would be no presents, the house was actually filled with gifts. Beard Face and Frizzy Hair didn’t get us anything but the rest of the family came up trumps and we enjoyed a plethora of tasty treats. My thanks to all of them. Beard Face got through the day in the usual manner of stuffing his face, saving no scraps for anyone, drinking a lot, farting, having imaginary conversations with someone named Denise and avoiding watching Christmas television. We missed the Queen’s Speech but did watch Miranda later in the day. That aside, Frizzy Hair was content with puzzle games while Beard Face continued his odyssey on Elder Scrolls IV which involves killing lots of people. Very festive.

Friday

Boxing day today and it was more of the same. Plenty of food, alcohol, farting, belching, nose picking, arse scratching, and that was just Razz, I haven’t even mentioned what Beard Face and Frizzy Hair were getting up to. Nothing amorous, don’t worry. The most amorous Beard Face gets these days is putting a pair of shorts on when he goes out for a run. He thinks he’s sexy running by, but the onlookers have learned to carry sick bags. Wise people. There was nothing on TV again though I did have the misfortune of catching Buggles watching “Wet Pussies” though thankfully it was just a show where cats are sprayed with a hosepipe and not what I initially feared.

Saturday

The festivities are finally behind us and all that is left is the build up to the New Year. What resolutions will Beard Face be coming up with? Grow a pair? Grow an actual beard? Get a job? Take up long distance running i.e. run 300 miles in one direction and never come back. Whatever he comes up with it has to be better than Charlie’s current hopes of conquering the world by next April and by October the entire universe. The April deadline is one hell of a leap but taking on the whole universe in the following six months? Charlie has always been ambitious, or delusional, I can never decide which is more apt.

Sunday

Beard Face was celebrating today. Before you jump to conclusions, no he hadn’t succeeded in growing an actual beard but something much more impressive. The old boy got very excited in the morning as he finally concluded his epic journey through Elder Scrolls IV. It has taken him a whopping 158 hours to complete. Gamers out there may be saluting beardy’s achievement and, in some respects, so am I. That wonderful game has kept him occupied for the equivalent of more than six days. The good news is that Frizzy Hair has already bought him Elder Scrolls V so with a bit of luck the rest of us may be able to rest easy while Beard Face pretends he’s a real man with a sword and some fancy armour.

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #12

Monday

The job search continues for Beard Face. How long has it been now? I’ve lost count of the weeks. Today he hit upon the idea of being David Cameron, our humble Prime Minister of the UK. Beard Face’s reasoning was that the PM must be on a pretty good salary and that it would be nice to wear a suit most of the time as well. How the old boy was going to facilitate this new career move remains a mystery and given the state of UK politics at the moment it might only be a temporary position anyway what with the General Election coming up next year.

Tuesday

Charlie has continued his plans to capture Santa Claus when he visits our house in a week’s time. We don’t have a chimney so Charlie is planning to wait by the front door, while Buggles guards the back door. When Santa enters the house, not triggering the alarm system because he’s magic, Charlie and Buggles are going to tie him up with sellotape and interrogate him. Charlie wants access to Santa’s key that can open any door and he wants to know the address of where he’s from so the elves and reindeer can be recruited to the feline revolution. In other words, it’s all very festive here.

It’s tough being Beard Face. Even the simple act of mowing a lawn can induce a migraine.

Wednesday

Frizzy Hair has been helping Beard Face edit his novel. When I say edit I actually mean rewrite the whole thing for him. One line from Beard Face’s draft read: “The large fat man with hair like Goldilocks, a smirk like Machiavelli, armpits like Venus, buttocks like J-Lo, eyebrows like a guy with very bushy eyebrows, a stomach like Tweedle Dee but not Tweedle Dum, a brain like a peanut, a nose longer than Pinocchio’s, a crack addition, a meth addiction and a fascination with My Little Pony, entered the room that was at least 10 foot by 20 foot with furniture in it and I don’t just mean any furniture, we’re talking chairs, a table, a bookcase, carpets, windows, doors, floors, walls, a ceiling and even one of those monkeys that bangs cymbals together. Frizzy Hair condensed this rather long sentence down to “The man entered the room.”

Thursday

The Apprentice was dramatic this week. The remaining five candidates were interviewed about their business plans by the likes of fearsome bald guy and Ricky Martin, not the real one, a recruitment one obviously. This is the really good bit of the series where previous favourites often fall by the wayside because their business plans are crap and so it proved this time. Going into the final this weekend Lord Sugar has a choice of I.T. or women’s fashion. Normally I’d say this was an easy choice but last year he had to pick between cupcakes and cosmetic surgery and opted for the latter so we shall see.

Friday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair tried to be clever today by doing the last of their grocery shopping before it got ridiculously crazy. Only when they had fought through the crowds did they realise it was Mad Friday. At least they came home with some worthwhile stuff including food for myself and for my brothers. To be honest I was expecting something a bit more glamorous than the food I eat all year round. Couldn’t they have stretched to a Christmas Tree made out of tuna or something?

Saturday

Busy day today. Beard Face was celebrating a rare Barnsley win before his brother showed up with his girlfriend. Beardy and Frizzy Hair were hosting a dinner and minor drinking session. It went really well all things considered. Beard Face looked and talked like a complete moron as usual, especially after a few beers, but generally our guests didn’t look too intimidated. Bilbo and Frodo made themselves at home by sitting on our guests’ laps but subtlety has never been their strong point. I briefly assessed the situation before disappearing upstairs and enjoying a choice of beds to myself while the others were distracted downstairs. Bliss.

Sunday

Beard Face was utterly pathetic today. He was up bright and early doing chores and decided to impress Frizzy Hair by mowing the lawn. It took him 20 minutes to figure out how to get the lawnmower started but once he did it was a like a 2 minute job, massacring the garden. No sooner had the old boy finished than he claimed that the gardening had caused a migraine and he disappeared to bed for a couple of hours. Frizzy Hair was fooled by the whole performance too. He was well enough to tune into The Apprentice final later I might add. Pathetic.

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Masterpieces #38: Final Fantasy IX

About Final Fantasy IX (2000) Brahne, the evil Queen of Alexandria, is using highly advanced magical weapons to terrorise neighbouring kingdoms. Players follow a group of bandits, knights and magicians as they try to foil her plans. The heroes quickly learn that her wicked doings are part of a much larger plot, and as they progress, they learn about the sinister motives of a powerful sorcerer named Kuja.

More than 30 million copies of the Final Fantasy franchise have been sold, making it one of the bestselling video-game series ever. This edition offers new characters and 3-D environments, plus a rich story line–one of the hallmarks of the series–as well as a new point-based spell-casting system and an item-based ability-learning system.

 

 

 

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Final Fantasy IX (2000)

Square Enix excelled themselves with Final Fantasy VII (1997) and amazingly got even better with Final Fantasy VIII (1999), even though that entry divided some fans with the series taking on a more realistic look. Final Fantasy IX returned to the more anime style elements of Final Fantasy VII and promised a very different gaming experience but is it the best the series has to offer?

A busy plot begins with Queen Brahne of Alexandria enjoying a theatre production hosted by a group of undercover bandits known as Tantalus. Amongst their numbers is the game’s hero Zidane, who is almost human save for having a tail, something no one else in the world of Gaia seems to possess! Tantalus are on a mission to kidnap the beautiful princess Garnet but are stunned to find their efforts coinciding with her wanting to run away from home! Zidane and Garnet join forces along with the princess’ bodyguard Captain Steiner, fond of verbal complaints and neglecting his rusty armour. They are also joined by a young mage called Vivi who becomes a central part of the storyline as do a large group of black mages that are being produced to promote Brahne’s ambitions of global conquest against kingdoms such as Burmecia, Cleyra and Lindblum. Zidane and Garnet set about trying to stop the queen but their adventures take them far across the sea to distant lands and even to another world.

Final Fantasy IX still looks stunning especially those delightfully beautiful cut scenes, and credit to Square Enix for doing something different with the game play. This one is a lot simpler to get to grips with than the previous two instalments. As you control Zidane a little “!” or “?” will appear above his head to denote something of interest so it’s worth exploring in detail as not all treasure is hidden away in chests in this game. Your characters’ weapons and armour each have a handful of abilities you can learn but they have to remain equipped until you have gained enough experience. Once learned, weapons and armour can be changed to access more abilities and there are many useful ones such as immunity to status ailments such as poison, confuse, sleep and silence. As you gain more abilities you have to prioritise which are most important. Each ability is worth a set number of points and to equip one you have to make a sacrifice of your overall total. You’ll never have enough points to equip all the abilities so you’re going to have to be selective and given that your enemies have different attacking patterns you’ll be making all kinds of changes. Weapons and armour are also blessed with elemental attack and defence so again you’ll be swapping armour round as you take on different bosses.

Battles are fought with four of your characters as participants, which proves to be a lot better than previous instalments. The characters are very different in their capabilities as well and you’ll have a maximum of eight to choose from in the end. Garnet and Eiko are summoners and more adept at healing their allies than being deadly attackers. Steiner, Zidane and Amarant are suited to physical attacks with Zidane also good at pilfering items. Freya and Quina are also good at physical attacks but I tended to use them less than the others. Vivi is a black mage and a master at attacking magic but physical attacks are not his specialty. You’ll have to use all the characters as the storyline often sees the group split up to tackle different challenges so building up everyone’s experience is essential. My dream team in the end was Zidane, Garnet, Steiner and Amarant but that’s just my style when playing Final Fantasy, always preferring physical attacks over magic.

Gaia is a rich and varied world where humans and anthropomorphic races are mixed together. Alexandria and Lindblum are glorious kingdoms, while Burmecia is more modest and sits under eternal rainfall and Cleyra is a realm housed in the heights of a great tree. As your characters head overseas they tackle an ancient castle, a black mage village and the ruins of a summoner settlement. The villains are pretty good here too especially Kuja. Up there with Sephiroth, Kuja rides on a dragon, is extremely powerful, enjoys some great dialogue, though he has secrets and a connection to Zidane that you’ll have to wait a long time for the revelations. The music in the game is wonderful and two of my favourite pieces in any Final Fantasy game can be found when the group first arrive in Terra and when Zidane learns the truth of his origins and proceeds to turn his back on all his friends. As good as the graphics are I do prefer the more realistic look that Final Fantasy VIII had and despite many fans criticising that instalment it’s interesting that Final Fantasy X went back to this approach and subsequent entries in the series have all done the same. Final Fantasy IX falls a little shy of VII, VIII and X but if you’ve never had the pleasure of playing it now may be a good time.

Final Fantasy IX is another superb RPG from Square Enix and maintained the high standard they had set with the previous two instalments and that quality trend would continue with Final Fantasy X. The graphics, cut scenes, characters, music, settings and battle system are all fantastic and though a little easier to get into than VII and VIII there are still plenty of challenges on the way, especially that final boss.

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #11

Monday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair saw family today so we had the house mostly to ourselves. Frizzy Hair was delighted to be spending time with her two year old niece but on her return she was shouting at Beard Face. Apparently his choice of conversation continues to be inappropriate for a young child. He wasn’t being rude or anything but such questions as “What are your thoughts on the economy?”, “Did you see that screamer from Messi the other night?” and “I think the red head is giving me the eye, you know” are not what a two year old should be hearing.

Tuesday

Christmas is fast approaching and Beard Face is still struggling to get into the spirit of the festive season. He listened to Brenda Lee this morning, singing fabulously about Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree. Inspired by the song and by Home Alone Beard Face set out the living room with mannequins and cardboard cutouts of American sports stars carried around on trains. Had the old boy been smoking the happy stuff then I’d have excused his peculiar behaviour but he was completely sober so I’m starting to think it’s time someone took him away.

Beard Face tried this at home once. The hole is still in the floor and the earthquake caused by the impact was devastating.

Wednesday

The weather was utterly atrocious today. First sunshine then strong winds and finally miserable rainfall. I ventured outside on a couple of occasions but just couldn’t handle it. I now know how Polar explorers feel. Elsewhere in the Brown household, Beard Face continued his woeful attempt to be festive by singing Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney. After repeating the chorus no fewer than 667 times we had to gag him with the dishcloth. We didn’t have time to clean the strange brown stains and sticky yellow stuff off it though.

Thursday

I do not believe this. Not content with having the canine visitor stay for a few hours, Beard Face and Frizzy Hair have allowed the cheeky sod to stay overnight. I tried to remind them that this is my house and what I say goes but they ignored my protestations. Frizzy Hair stayed upstairs with us cats and tried to placate us by making cooing noises but we weren’t fooled. Beard Face slept downstairs with the dog and although we were happy to have him out of the way, it was no excuse for the betrayal that this awful night has given us.

Friday

Beard Face was feeling very under the weather today. Less than 5 hours sleep probably didn’t help. He genuinely looked run down and I’m not ashamed to say I was concerned for a brief moment. Once I was certain that my food bowl was filled then my anxiety dissipated and I was able to get on with my day. The old boy continued to look dreadful but I was too busy sleeping off the indigestion from my overindulgence to care too much.

Saturday

Beard Face was down in the dumps today. His beloved Barnsley FC were beaten 3-1 at Walsall. They had been ahead at one stage but it lasted about a nanosecond. The old boy went from ecstasy to meh-stasy (see what I did there?) in less than five minutes. It was terrible for him but for us it was absolute bliss and made for a wonderful Saturday evening.

Sunday

Beard Face continues to struggle with Dexter. He’s onto Season 7 now and has only just figured out that Dexter is a serial killer. Given that we have this revelation in the opening episode of Season 1, you may wonder what on earth this buffoon has been doing for the previous 6 seasons. I wish I had an explanation for all of this but sadly I don’t. This may remain one of those unsolved phenomena like UFOs, the Bermuda Triangle or the appeal of Barry Manilow.

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Congratulations Winners!

The winners of our giveaway to celebrate the launch of Losing Heart and The Bleaklisted Books have now been drawn. Thank you very much for taking part!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

If you missed it, don’t worry! The Bleaklisted Books is on tour with Buy the Book Tours this coming week!

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Masterpieces #37: Kingdom Hearts

About Kingdom Hearts (2002) Guide a young boy named Sora, and his friends Riku and Kairi, as he saves the world from destruction at the hands of an evil group known as the Heartless. Set off from Sora’s island paradise home with the help of Disney characters such as Donald Duck and Goofy, who are on their way to find their missing king, the one and only Mickey Mouse. Use Sora’s secret weapon, the keyblade, in an adventure that takes you through familiar Disney worlds. You will also run into many of Squaresoft’s favorite characters as they join the struggle.

 

 

 

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Kingdom Hearts (2010)

There are some combinations that are ingenious and others simply mind-boggling. In 2002 Square Enix combined the rich ingredients of the Final Fantasy series with a fine blend of Disney history to create a delightful recipe entitled Kingdom Hearts.

On the remote Destiny Islands childhood friends – Sora, Riku and Kairi – dream of leaving their home and broadening their horizons. Their wishes are unintentionally fulfilled with the emergence of dark and mysterious creatures known as the Heartless that attack the islands. Sora wakes up alone in another world known as Traverse Town and finds himself armed with the enigmatic Keyblade that has the power to fell the Heartless and seal the recently opened doorways to new worlds. Sora sets out to find Kairi and Riku but is soon joined by two familiar faces – Donald Duck and Goofy – who have been sent from their own world (Disney Castle obviously!) by King Mickey (who else?) to seek out and follow the wielder of the Keyblade.

Kingdom Hearts‘ long and engaging story is divided between more than ten worlds ranging from Neverland and Agrabah to Wonderland and Halloween Town. In each world, Sora will find that the Heartless have invaded and are causing havoc wherever they roam. In most worlds you will join forces with a resident character such as Aladdin, Tarzan, Ariel and Jack Skellington. For every world the trio encounters, there will be a short story playing out – the traditional good vs evil battle – culminating in Sora defeating the Heartless before sealing the doorway to the world with his Keyblade. Though the format for each of the worlds is similar, there is such a rich variety that you will never notice. The further you progress the tougher the battles become and even the Heartless change shape and form to blend in with the distinct worlds Sora, Donald and Goofy must explore.

Aside from the main story there are a series of delightful sub quests to pursue. You will have the opportunity to flex your muscles in tournaments at the Olympus Coliseum, hunt down 99 lost Dalmations, and uncover lost pages to recreate the world of 100 Acre Wood with Winnie the Pooh and friends. A nice digression from the action comes in the form of the gummi ship which is our friends’ means to travel between worlds and throws you into a mini shooting game as you dodge obstacles and shoot down enemy vessels piloted by the Heartless. There is so much on offer here.

The only downside to Kingdom Hearts is that the battle system can be tricky when you first play. Rather than the turn-based battle system deployed in Final Fantasy games, Sora must fight his battles in real-time, leaving you vulnerable to attack whenever you select commands from the battle menu – a major headache if you’re on the brink of death and desperately trying to cure yourself. On the other hand this battle system is more akin to real combat with the pandemonium and frantic exchanges only serving to enhance the experience. In the majority of battles, Sora is assisted by Donald and Goofy who fight independently and can prove to be useful allies if you find yourself in a tight spot. Although you have no control over Donald and Goofy you can dictate their behaviour in battle via the menu, prioritising attack or defence dependent on your preferences. However, be wary of being too over-reliant on your two companions.

Kingdom Hearts remains a stunning experience. The cut scenes are still amazing, the many worlds are varied enough to assuage monotony, the voice acting is a treat and the story remains intriguing right up to the finale. This is a terrific reminder of where this great series began.

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The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #10

Monday

Once every two weeks, myself and the other cats gather on the landing and watch as Beard Face endures his least favourite job. This job is the changing of the litter trays. There are four of them in total and it’s quite a challenge for the old boy. By the time he’s finished there are clean litter trays and a huge bag of used cat litter that he has to carry with both arms wrapped around it. At this juncture we consider tripping him up and making a mess but thus far our mercy has always taken charge and we’ve been content with the pitiful moans of a grown man who is hardly strong enough to handle the load. You humans with your flushy toilet things have got it all wrong.

Tuesday

Beard Face is continuing his job search and it just seems to get worse with each passing week. He’s now turned his focus to working at Costa. He and Frizzy Hair go there a lot as the old girl needs her caffeine fix and being married to the Yorkshire Ogre tends to take it out of you. Anyway, Beard Face went into Costa today and enquired about working for them. Most people would cite their work experience but Beard Face opted to share some of his own concoctions. Given that the suggested ingredients included bleach, goat’s piss, polo mints and nail varnish, it’s hardly surprising that the old boy was given a very firm “sod off” from Costa.

Star Trek was a hot topic this week. Pity the argument was a trivial one.

Wednesday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair had a very heated argument today. It was one hell of a domestic and led to frying pans being thrown and Beard Face even crushing a bag of crisps in fury. The reason behind this fall out? Well, the star crossed lovers were divided on who was the best Star Trek captain. That’s it. Broken cutlery and one very regrettable incident with a toothbrush, all over Star Trek. Buggles tried to weigh in by professing his love for Captain Berk but sadly his input was overlooked.

Thursday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair watched The Apprentice today and it was thrilling stuff. This week the candidates were charged with finding numerous items for the cheapest prices on the streets of London. The deal breaker was a skeleton with one team getting the right thing and the others deciding to get a paper one. Suffice to say, Lord Sugar wasn’t amused. My heart did go out to the candidate that lost who tended to talk about himself in the third person. Charlie has been inspired by this and now speaks in a similar fashion. “Charlie is going to shoot Beard Face today,” “Charlie is going to have a nap now,” and “Charlie has just pissed in Beard Face’s tea.” Priceless.

Friday

Twitter was on fire today with talk of Christopher Walken in Peter Pan. The great man played Captain Hook and while some people were full of praise, others were less so. Personally, I thought he did a great job though Beard Face kept assuming he was Captain Jack Sparrow’s mother. The tale of Peter Pan is always a bit much for young Buggles who gets excited about the idea of being able to fly, while Charlie was all in favour of the ticking crocodile, believing it to be a giant reptilian bomb. As Christmas approaches I shudder at the thought of what other memories I will be taking, under duress, from this end to 2014.

Saturday

Beard Face is down with a cold so the house hasn’t been the most pleasant of environments. Whenever the old boy is ill he delivers a performance worthy of an Oscar nomination. He’ll tend to lie back on the sofa, arms spread and head tilted to one side, while he utters such pathetic phrases as “Woe is me,” “The horror! The horror!” and “Ask for me tomorrow, and you shall find me a grave man.” Frizzy Hair falls for it, of course, because she’s a wet blanket but the rest of us take the opportunity to trash the house while Beardy waits for that call from the Academy.

Sunday

Beard Face stayed home for the entire 24 hours today. It was agony. He spent his time cleaning, ironing, sorting the mail and admiring himself in the mirror while he wore nothing but a bathrobe, a pink one as well. I’m still not sure why he was doing the self-examination but it was one of those sights that would have left members of an elite army unit traumatised for life. I haven’t slept since I walked into the room but am hopeful that when I do the nightmares won’t be too extreme.

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Masterpieces #36: Darksiders

About Darksiders (2010) Darksiders is a third-person, single player action/adventure game inspired by the characters, themes and mythology of the apocalypse and the battle of Armageddon described by the Book of Revelation. But this modern interpretation is not your run of the mill Sunday school stroll through the New Testament. In the game players take on the role of “War,” one of the dread Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. But things are not as they were. Once the unstoppable and just wielder of divine retribution, War is now reduced in stature and cast out amongst the ruined lands of the Earth that he himself devastated. All that remains is the search for the truth behind his betrayal and the survival of its consequences.

 

 

 

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Darksiders (2010)

Darksiders is grounded in the traditional battle between good and evil in the form of angels and demons. With both sides constantly at war the Charred Council, acting as a brave mediator, somehow forces both sides to agree to peace, a truce cemented by Seven Seals and the forming of the Kingdom of Men. It is foretold that when the Seven Seals are broken a war between men, angels and demons will be fought. The game opens with War, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, arriving on Earth in response to the call of the Seals being broken. War finds the world devastated, with men on the brink of extinction while demons and angels engage in spectacular battles throughout the city. In the midst of the fighting, War meets Abaddon, head of the angel army, and learns the Seals have not been broken after all, the other Horsemen haven’t been summoned and therefore War has broken the laws of the Charred Council. Moments later both Abaddon and War are killed by Straga, one of the Destroyer’s Chosen demons. War faces the Charred Council and is condemned to death for bringing the Apocalypse to the world early. However, War manages to persuade the Council to return him to Earth so that he can discover who was responsible for beginning the battle he has been blamed for. The Council agrees on the condition that War be tied to a spectral being known as the Watcher who retains a hold over the horseman and ensures he sticks to his task. War returns to Earth a century later to find mankind have been wiped out, demons are the dominant force and the dwindling angels seek retribution against War for the death of their leader.

Darksiders is an action/adventure reminiscent in look to previous games of this genre, a notable one being Soul Reaver. At the start you are limited in energy, weapons and skills, a hallmark of the Charred Council’s punishment for War’s transgression. As you work your way through the game War will obtain a multitude of weapons that must all be applied to progress and ensures at the same time that no item you obtain can be ignored or dismissed as useless. Such acquisitions are essential in unlocking areas previously sealed off from War. Your first task on reaching the city is to seek out the demon, Vulgrim, who, with a rather unnerving voice, becomes a mainstay of your adventure providing useful items and enhancements in exchange for the souls you obtain in combat or from treasure chests. There are three types of soul to be gathered with blue souls being your currency to trade with Vulgrim, yellow souls increase War’s Wrath level helping launch devastating attacks while green souls augment your energy levels.

After the meeting with Vulgrim, War encounters another demon, Samael, who gives him the task of seeking out and defeating four of the Destroyer’s unique demons known as the Chosen. This task begins the first major section of the game as War negotiates some stunning locations including a cathedral, a desert infested with giant and deadly worms and a ruined subway where derelict trains can be utilised to solve puzzles. Throughout your adventure there will be a lot of fighting and thankfully Darksiders excels in this department. Not content with having War simply hack and slash at foes with his sword, he is able to pick up objects such as cars and hurl them at enemies from a safe distance. The carnage and destruction you can create in the many environments is reminiscent of the latest Hollywood action movie. As War becomes stronger, his battle options increase with weapons such as a handgun, grappling hook, gauntlet and much later his trusted steed, Ruin, all being acquired to push War one step closer to being the powerful being he once was. If that’s not enough war has access to the Chaos Form where he turns into a fiery giant and is seemingly unstoppable; that is until your limited time in this manifestation runs out.

Puzzles play a large part in Darksiders, in fact if you glance at your list of statistics documenting such notable facts as how many foes you have killed and how many gallons of blood you have spilled, you will also find how long you have spent fighting. Personally, after passing more than 20 hours of gameplay I found that only 3 hours had been spent in combat. The rest of the time is exploration and puzzles but such a large difference is never noticeable when you play. Being honest, I thought I’d spent more time fighting than anything else. The puzzles themselves range from straightforward to difficult. They can be anything from flicking switches, moving large objects or blowing up walls with bombs. Though some of the puzzles I faced had me scratching my head for a while, I would always find a solution in the end. The puzzles filter over into your boss battles and it is in these exchanges that Darksiders is at its best. Your opening battle and inevitable defeat against Straga requires you to hurl cars at him while the giant demon grabs hold of the road you’re standing on and proceeds to shake it and you. Other notable battles were at the top of a cathedral and riding Ruin into battle out in the desert. Each boss requires more than simply hacking at them with a sword; there is always another cunning method to be unearthed and if successful you are eventually treated to some terrific conclusions as War takes sole control of killing each boss in a bloodthirsty but memorable manner.

There is little wrong with Darksiders. It is a violent game but never to the extent that it would alienate gamers. It is certified as 15 and is unsuitable for younger gamers. Darksiders can be challenging at times, particularly some of the boss battles but the best advice as always is to persevere and you will find the solution. If you can overcome those minor issues then Darksiders has much to offer with a good storyline, many hours of gameplay, and some of the best action sequences you are likely to see. Though influences from other games are clear to see, Darksiders still manages to excel on its own merits. If you’re looking for an action/adventure that will keep you busy for hours then there is no need to look further.

The post Masterpieces #36: Darksiders appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.

The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #9

Monday

Beard Face woke up feeling unwell today. He kept clutching his stomach and complaining about feeling queasy. Apparently it started in the early hours of the morning and refused to subside. I suspect he went to the loo in the middle of the night, caught sight of himself in the mirror, assumed it was a banshee and has been left on edge all day. I’d like to be sympathetic but I’m too interested in laughing to care.

Tuesday

Beard Face went into town to meet Frizzy Hair today and came home singing a song by Travis entitled Why Does It Always Rain On Me? Charlie heard this and decided to invite Beard Face to film an alternative music video. Rather than running around fields in a kilt, Charlie had the old boy wearing a pair of purple spandex leggings and being chased by three tanks, two Lancaster bombers and Adrian Chiles who used to be on TV but isn’t as much these days. I think it’s because he looks like a goblin. It was a strange spectacle as you can probably imagine and Beard Face’s inability to mime to the song’s words somewhat dented its impact.  

I wish this was Beard Face, only the raindrops were spears hurled by a merciful god.

Wednesday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair had a visitor today. It’s become a regular thing on a Wednesday. The rest of us aren’t allowed to see this visitor. We’re shut away upstairs. This visitor is of the canine persuasion so we’re talking not very bright but extremely loyal to humans. Frizzy Hair will say that they are dog sitting but I just think she’s helping Beard Face by having him spend time with someone of the same mental capacity.

Thursday

Beard Face and Frizzy Hair didn’t watch The Apprentice until today. Strange people that they are. This week the candidates were selling items out in the countryside, everything from flat cap handbags to hot tubs. You couldn’t make this shit up. The usual petty squabbling was there but thankfully Lord Sugar saw sense and got rid of an arrogant and very gobby project manager. He’s had so many close calls in the past that it’s a wonder they haven’t tested him to see whether he is really a cat. I haven’t heard of a cat that dries its armpits with a hair dryer but there’s a first time for everything.

Friday

It’s been really misty lately. In fact it’s been so bad that I have been unable to stray too far from the house just in case I struggled to find my way back. Don’t get me wrong, being away from Beard Face would be great but Frizzy Hair and the other cats are okay and I do get fed back at the house. I’ve been hoping that whenever Beard Face has been out of the house that he’ll get lost in the mist, take a wrong turn and end up somewhere around the North Pole. I realise the logistics of such an occurrence are against me here but one must have their dreams, no matter how far out of reach.

Saturday

It was a day of celebration today. Frizzy Hair completed NaNoWriMo with a day to spare. Yep, 50,000 words she has written in the last 29 days and not one of them had anything to do with her moronic husband. Instead the old girl has soldiered on and developed multiple projects rather than taking the easy option of writing a list of reasons why Beard Face is the most pathetic and inept human ever to walk the face of the earth. Such a list in its entirety would equate to 2,000,000 words, and that would just be the introductory segment and thanks to all the people who had contributed to the work.

Sunday

I didn’t sleep very well the previous night. A group of Barnsley fans were in fine voice as they headed home though their slurring and staggering was testament to the high level of inebriation in which they had reached. What puzzled me slightly was that Barnsley had lost their game yet these men were singing as if they had tasted a victory finer than Agincourt, Trafalgar or what’s his name’s victory on Pop Idol back in the day. From what I hear of Beard Face and Frizzy Hair, I suspect the Barnsley folk are a tad wimpy when it comes to the old alco of hol. Thankfully my owners don’t get rat arsed, well, not very often.

The post The Diary of Mr Kain: Week #9 appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.