David M. Brown's Blog, page 23
May 31, 2014
Charlie’s Bleaklisted Books: On the Road
What happens?
Two guys travel around America. The end.
Reason for bleaklisting?
It should have been called, Are We There Yet?
What should have happened?
Val Head’o’Lice is having a torrid time what with Breaking Bad ending the year before and being stuck on 32 down on this week’s crossword. Val is visited by his old friend Lean Likes-a-Farty who has driven 300 miles from Balloonville, a city where everything is made out of balloons. Lean suggests that he and Val go on a road trip. Val agrees, packs his things and heads out to Lean’s car. He is shocked to see a pile of crap on the drive with a long trail leading to Lean’s car. Lean admits his latest bout of flatulence is to blame. Val insists he’ll stay home, not just because of the excrement but because he has figured out what 32 down is.
Special instruction
Sell to anyone with a driveway or a car, but not both, and rename, Poo on the Road.
Mr B compares the stories
I’m sure Jack Kerouac saw many things on his travels throughout America that inspired him in his writing of the American classic, On the Road, but I doubt some crap on a road or driveway was top of his list. Charlie not only demonstrates his ignorance of a highly acclaimed novel but he also reveals his continuing inability to write a decent story. Kerouac may be turning in his grave in response to Charlie but it will only be with laughter.
The post Charlie’s Bleaklisted Books: On the Road appeared first on B-Lines and Felines.
This Month’s Books (May 2014)
William L. Shirer – The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich: A History of Nazi Germany (1961)
With a new afterword by the author, this unabridged edition tells the complete story of Hitler’s empire. Famed foreign correspondent and historian Shirer spent five and a half years sifting through the vast paperwork behind Hitler’s drive to conquer the world to bring this definitive record of one of the most frightening chapters in the history of mankind. “One of the most important works of history of our time”.–The New York Times.
Verdict: 4/5
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Benedict Gummer – The Scourging Angel: The Black Death in the British Isles (2010)
Nothing experienced in human history, before or since, eclipses the terror, tragedy and scale of the Black Death, the disease which killed millions of people in Medieval Europe.
The Scourging Angel tells the story of Britain immediately before, during and after this catastrophe. Against a backdrop of empty homes, half-built cathedrals and pestilence-saturated cities, we see communities gripped by unimaginable fear, shock and paranoia. By the time it completed its pestilential journey through the British Isles in 1350, the Black Death had left half the population dead. Despite the startling toll of life, physical devastation and sheer human chaos it inflicted, Britain showed an impressive resilience. Amid disaster many found opportunity, and the story of the Black Death is ultimately one of survival.
Verdict: 4/5
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Andrew Feinstein – The Shadow World: Inside the Global Arms Trade (2011)
The Shadow World is the harrowing behind-the-scenes tale of the global arms trade, revealing the deadly collusion that all too often exists among senior politicians, weapons manufacturers, felonious arms dealers, and the military—a situation that compromises our security and undermines our democracy.
Pulling back the curtain on this secretive world, Andrew Feinstein reveals the corruption and the cover-ups behind a range of weapons deals, from the largest in history—between the British and Saudi governments—to the guns-for-diamonds deals in Africa and the imminent $60 billion U.S. weapons contract with Saudi Arabia. He exposes in forensic detail both the formal government-to-government trade in arms and the shadow world of illicit weapons dealing, and lays bare the shockingly frequent links between the two. Drawing on his experience as a member of the African National Congress who resigned when the ANC refused to launch a corruption investigation into a major South African arms deal, Feinstein illuminates the impact this network has not only on conflicts around the world but also on the democratic institutions of the United States and the United Kingdom.
Based on pathbreaking reporting and unprecedented access to top-secret information and major players in this clandestine realm, The Shadow World places us in the midst of the arms trade’s dramatic wheeling and dealing—from corporate boardrooms to seedy out-of-the-way hotels—and reveals the profound danger and enormous financial cost this network represents to all of us.
Verdict: 4/5
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Haruki Murakami – What I Talk About When I Talk About Running (2008)
In 1982, having sold his jazz bar to devote himself to writing, Murakami began running to keep fit. A year later, he’d completed a solo course from Athens to Marathon, and now, after dozens of such races, not to mention triathlons and a dozen critically acclaimed books, he reflects upon the influence the sport has had on his life and even more importantly, on his writing.
Equal parts training log, travelogue, and reminiscence, this revealing memoir covers his four-month preparation for the 2005 New York City Marathon and takes us to places ranging from Tokyo’s Jingu Gaien gardens, where he once shared the course with an Olympian, to the Charles River in Boston among young women who outpace him. Through this marvelous lens of sport emerges a panorama of memories and insights: the eureka moment when he decided to become a writer, his greatest triumphs and disappointments, his passion for vintage LPs, and the experience, after fifty, of seeing his race times improve and then fall back.
By turns funny and sobering, playful and philosophical, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running is rich and revelatory, both for fans of this masterful yet guardedly private writer and for the exploding population of athletes who find similar satisfaction in running.
Verdict: 4/5
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Bill Wasik and Monica Murphy – Rabid: A Cultural History of the World’s Most Diabolical Virus (2012)
An engrossing, lively history of a fearsome and misunderstood virus that binds man and dog The most fatal virus known to science, rabies—a disease that spreads avidly from animals to humans—kills nearly one hundred percent of its victims once the infection takes root in the brain. In this critically acclaimed exploration, journalist Bill Wasik and veterinarian Monica Murphy chart four thousand years of the history, science, and cultural mythology of rabies. From Greek myths to zombie flicks, from the laboratory heroics of Louis Pasteur to the contemporary search for a lifesaving treatment, Rabid is a fresh and often wildly entertaining look at one of humankind’s oldest and most fearsome foes.
Verdict: 3/5
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Daniel Haight – Flotilla (2012)
Flotilla is a book for young adults and fans of Juvenile Dystopian Fiction about the world that is coming to our oceans. Jim Westfield is a messed-up kid thrown into the anarchic community his father lives on where they raise fish on the ocean when they aren’t breaking the law. This is a world filled with strange and dangerous characters that threaten Jim and his family’s lives when a terrorist attack hits Los Angeles. Now Jim must rise above his past if he wants to survive his future.
This whirlwind experience over two summers paints a vivid picture of risk and hardship. It takes a deeply moving look at the impact of sustainable technology on some hilariously dysfunctional characters.
Readers and reviewers are calling Flotilla ‘highly original, ‘intense and action packed’ and ‘for anyone who loves adventure.’
Verdict: 3/5
Stephen King – Joyland (2013)
Set in a small-town North Carolina amusement park in 1973, Joyland tells the story of the summer in which college student Devin Jones comes to work as a carny and confronts the legacy of a vicious murder, the fate of a dying child, and the ways both will change his life forever.
Verdict: 3/5
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Andrew Lang – The Arabian Nights (1907)
The stories contained in this “store house of ingenious fiction” initiate a pattern of literary reference and influence which today remains as powerful and intense as it was throughout the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries. Sinbad, Ali Baba, Aladdin: all make their appearance here. This edition reproduces in its entirety the earliest English translation of the French orientalist Antoine Galland’s Mille et une Nuits (1001 Nights), which remained for over a century the only English translation of the story cycle, influencing an incalculable number of writers. In addition, it offers the complete text or the tales supplemented by extensive explanatory notes and plot summaries, which are particularly vital as these expansive stories are complex and interwoven.
Verdict: 4/5
Edgar Allan Poe – The Cask of Amontillado (1846)
A classic tale of vengeance and betrayal from the murder’s perspective. Montresor has born a thousand insults from Fortunato but now there will be a reckoning.
And what better way that by appealing to Fortunato’s pride in his discernment in wines?
Verdict: 4/5
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John William Polidori – Vampyr (1819)
The Vampyre is a short story by John William Polidori. It is based on a fragment written by Lord Byron in 1816 during a gathering of author friends who, trapped inside due to bad weather, decided to write ghost stories. At the request of a friend, Polidori wrote a complete story from the premise outlined in Byron’s fragment. Without either author’s prior knowledge, the story was published in the April 1819 issue of New Monthly Magazine as “The Vampyre: A Tale by Lord Byron”; despite immediate protests from both Byron and Polidori, the attribution stuck, for a well-known author such as Byron attracted a much better audience.
The Vampyre was the first vampire story in English prose, and as such had a wide-ranging influence, almost singlehandedly creating the now-popular image of the vampire as an aristocratic seducer.
Verdict: 4/5
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Jon Ronson – Frank (2014)
In the late 1980s Jon Ronson was the keyboard player in the Frank Sidebottom Oh Blimey Big Band. Frank wore a big fake head. Nobody outside his inner circle knew his true identity. This became the subject of feverish speculation during his zenith years. Together, they rode relatively high. Then it all went wrong.
Twenty-five years later and Jon has co-written a movie, Frank, inspired by his time in this great and bizarre band. Frank is set for release in 2014, starring Michael Fassbender, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and Domhnall Gleeson and directed by Lenny Abrahamson.
Frank: The True Story that Inspired the Movie is a memoir of funny, sad times and a tribute to outsider artists too wonderfully strange to ever make it in the mainstream. It tells the true story behind the fictionalized movie.
Verdict: 4/5
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Neil Smith – The Vietnam War: History in One Hour (2012)
Know your stuff: Read a concise history of the Vietnam War in just one hour.
‘War, what is it good for?’ THE VIETNAM WAR: HISTORY IN AN HOUR gives a gripping account of the most important Cold War-era conflict, fought between the United States and the Viet Cong, the Vietnam People’s Army and their Communist allies. It was one of the most traumatic military conflicts America has ever been involved in – and provoked a backlash of anti-war protests at home.
Here are the key events leading up to the Vietnam War, the deadly guerrilla warfare of the Viet Cong, the domestic anti-war movement and the fall of Saigon. THE VIETNAM WAR: HISTORY IN AN HOUR is essential reading for anyone interested in post-war history.
Verdict: 3/5
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Matthew Quick – Forgive Me, Leonard Peacock (2013)
How would you spend your birthday if you knew it would be your last?
Eighteen-year-old Leonard Peacock knows exactly what he’ll do. He’ll say goodbye.
Not to his mum – who he calls Linda because it annoys her – who’s moved out and left him to fend for himself. Nor to his former best friend, whose torments have driven him to consider committing the unthinkable. But to his four friends: a Humphrey-Bogart-obsessed neighbour, a teenage violin virtuoso, a pastor’s daughter and a teacher.
Most of the time, Leonard believes he’s weird and sad but these friends have made him think that maybe he’s not. He wants to thank them, and say goodbye.
Verdict: 4/5
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Rupert Colley – The Russian Revolution: History in an Hour (2012)
In 1917 the world changed for ever. One of the most influential and contentious events in recent history, the Russian Revolution unleashed the greatest political experiment ever conducted, one which continues to influence both Eastern and Western politics today.
‘The Russian Revolution: History in an Hour’ neatly covers all the major facts and events giving you a clear and straightforward overview: from the circumstances behind the rise of Lenin and the Bolsheviks, to the consequences of their struggle for a new socialist utopia. ‘The Russian Revolution: History in an Hour’ is engagingly written and accessible for all history lovers.
Love your history? Find out about the world with History in an Hour…
Verdict: 3/5
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Cormac McCarthy – Child of God (1973)
In this taut, chilling novel, Lester Ballard–a violent, dispossessed man falsely accused of rape–haunts the hill country of East Tennessee when he is released from jail. While telling his story, Cormac McCarthy depicts the most sordid aspects of life with dignity, humor, and characteristic lyrical brilliance.
Verdict: 3/5
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Anthony Holmes – South Africa: History in an Hour (2012)
History for busy people. Read a concise history of South Africa in just one hour.
South Africa is a nation that has been ravaged by oppression and racial inequality. After years of concentrated violence and apartheid, Nelson Mandela led the country to unite ‘for the freedom of us all’ as the country’s first black President.
SOUTH AFRICA: HISTORY IN AN HOUR gives a lively account of the formation of modern South Africa, from the first contact with seventeenth-century European sailors, through the colonial era, the Boer Wars, apartheid and the establishment of a tolerant democracy in the late twentieth century. Here is a clear and fascinating overview of the emergence of the ‘Rainbow Nation’.
Love your history? Find out about the world with History in an Hour…
Verdict: 3/5
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The post This Month’s Books (May 2014) appeared first on News of the Worlds.
May 30, 2014
Dave’s Odyssey #25
In May 2008, I went travelling on my own for the first time and was out of England for a month. Along the way I took in Singapore, New Zealand, Australia and Thailand before coming home. I kept a journal of my time on the road, so here’s a day by day account of my trials and tribulations that has the undeserved title of Dave’s Odyssey.
Day 25 – Cairns – Sydney
I ended up having to do a lot of this, minus the suit of course!
Another lie in meant I was fully recharged going into the last week of the tour. We left the hotel at 11.00 and made straight for the airport. Once again the internal flights in Australia meant no hold-ups in security, but for the first time on the tour we were plagued by plane delays.
Cairns Airport only had a small circle of shops so to pass the time I resorted to reading. I was on the fifth and last book I had brought along to stave off boredom at the airports and on the planes. The worse thing was I’d left a sixth book, given to me by one of the group, in my backpack and wasn’t far off the end of this current one.
With the flight to Sydney delayed I debated about buying a new book. They were upwards of $25 in Australia for a paperback, which is was rather pricey compared to home. I’d just decided to go and buy a new book when I got chatting with Alan from our tour group. I call him “Admiral” as he used to be in the navy. We have a mutual interest in fantasy novels and coincidentally were currently reading books by the same author – Terry Goodkind. Alan had the advantage in that he was reading the last of an 11 book series while I was reading through the tenth. He kept me so busy talking that I had no time to buy an extra book before our flight took off an hour late.
I’d reached the end of my reading with a week still to go!
I was sat with my two adopted grandmothers – Valerie and Pamela – so, even if I finished my book, I knew I at least had someone to talk to. As it turned out the pilot made really good time, so much so that I only just completed my book as we began our descent into Sydney. We would have landed sooner but for air control intervening. It seemed the pilot had gone a bit too fast for their liking.
Sydney was Alex’s home so he was rather chirpy as we gathered on the coach. Due to our delayed flight we had to negotiate rush hour traffic but Alex kept us entertained with a commentary of the city highlights. It was dark but Sydney looked a fabulous city from my early impressions. It wasn’t long before we were booked into another Travelodge though this one was a bit more upmarket than the one in Melbourne but was lacking a microwave unfortunately.
I would’t get the chance for a good look around Sydney until the day after tomorrow. Tomorrow was a day at leisure but I’d opted to go an optional tour to the Blue Mountains. I prefer the more scenic stuff to the city. The following day we had a half-day tour of Sydney, a free afternoon where I planned to quickly grab all my Australian souvenirs, then it was an evening cruise by the Opera House and Sydney Harbour Bridge. It promised to be a memorable end to our time in Australia.
The post Dave’s Odyssey #25 appeared first on News of the Worlds.
May 28, 2014
Masterpieces #20: Oldboy
About Oldboy (2003)
Having knocked out judges at this year’s Cannes, winning the Grand Prix Du Jury prize and championed by Tarantino, Park Chan-Wook’s startling OLD BOY comes out on DVD in a fantastic two-disc set. Unsettling but ingenious and darkly comic, it’s a revenge movie wrapped in a mystery that twists the nerves at every scene. Following a drunken spree, a businessman is arrested and imprisoned for 15 years, not knowing his crime or who his captors are. Suddenly, he’s released and given three days to discover why he was shut away and who was responsible.
Amazon US Amazon UK IMDB
Oldboy (2003)
Chan-wook Park’s 2003 South Korean film was the second in his Vengeance trilogy – the others being Sympathy For Mr Vengeance (2002) and Sympathy For Lady Vengeance (2005). Oldboy is the superior of the three films by a long distance, portraying a compelling mystery, revenge and a very surprising but brilliant conclusion. Uncompromising in some of its violence, it is still a must see with Hollywood’s remake failing to achieve anywhere near the same acclaim.
The film follows the story of Dae-su Oh (Min-sik Choi) who is out drinking one night and causing general disruption. After being bailed out of prison by a friend, Dae-su Oh is kidnapped. When he wakes he finds himself locked in a room without windows with a bed, TV and toilet available and food brought to him by unknown captors who speak no words to him or offer any explanation. Intermittent visits are paid to Dae-su Oh by his captors to shave him and cut his hair but only after he has been gassed. After 15 years of captivity Dae-su Oh is released and later contacted on a cell phone. The voice on the other end claims to be his captor and gives him 5 days to work out why he was imprisoned. If Dae-su Oh is successful his captor promises he will kill himself. Should he fail, Dae-su Oh will see his new friend, Mi-do (Hye-jeong Kang), killed instead.
Oldboy is a tense and gripping film throughout. After Dae-su Oh’s release from his confines the story quickly gathers pace and the mystery of why he was incarcerated becomes ever more intriguing. His captor, Woo-jin Lee (Ji-tae Yu), holds all the cards throughout, making Dae-su Oh jump through hoops to uncover the truth. In his pursuit of vengeance, Dae-su Oh encounters the gang that kept him prisoner and fights his way through them all in a memorable scene that plays out like a beat-em up arcade game with the camera side scrolling through the vicious exchange. Dae-su Oh negotiates the entire gang with a claw hammer and his fists! Inevitably, Dae-su Oh has to look deep into his past for the reasons behind his capture and the consequences are devastating.
The genius of Oldboy is how our loyalty is tested. Many will be with Dae-su Oh, who we have followed throughout the film hoping for his success, but by the end the audience will undoubtedly be divided thanks to the many revelations. Some will still be with him in his pursuit of vengeance but others may feel there is nothing to be sympathetic about. Oldboy is a stunning tale of revenge but the ending that challenges our empathy for Dae-su Oh is the key to making this a masterpiece of world cinema.
The post Masterpieces #20: Oldboy appeared first on News of the Worlds.
May 25, 2014
This Week’s Films (25/05/14)
Burning Bright (2010)
Kelly feels her life is unraveling. Her mother’s death has left her as the guardian of her autistic 12-year-old brother, Tom, and she’s just learned her stepfather pilfered her college fund to buy a tiger for his safari park. To make matters worse, a hurricane is cutting a swath of destruction toward her home. But Kelly has something greater to fear than the hurricane’s 120-mile-per-hour winds – the savage tiger has somehow slipped inside her house. Now, trapped inside their boarded-up home, Kelly and Tom must fight for their lives against a deadly man-eater who smells their fear…and wants their flesh.
Verdict: 6/10
The Last Airbender (2010)
Air, Water, Earth, Fire. Four nations tied by destiny when the Fire Nation launches a brutal war against the others. A century has passed with no hope in sight to change the path of this destruction. Caught between combat and courage, Aang (Noah Ringer) discovers he is the lone Avatar with the power to manipulate all four elements.
Verdict: 3/10
The Passion of Joan of Arc (1928)
With its stunning camerawork and striking compositions, Carl Th. Dreyer’s The Passion of Joan of Arc convinced the world that movies could be art. Renée Falconetti gives one of the greatest performances ever recorded on film, as the young maiden who died for God and France. Long thought to have been lost to fire, the original version was miraculously found in perfect condition in 1981-in a Norwegian mental institution. Criterion is proud to present this milestone of silent cinema in a new special edition featuring composer Richard Einhorn’s Voices of Light, an original opera/oratorio inspired by the film.
Verdict: 10/10
Cowboys & Aliens (2011)
The Old West.. where a lone cowboy leads an uprising against a terror from beyond our world. 1873. Arizona Territory. A stranger with no memory of his past stumbles into the hard desert town of Absolution. The only hint to his history is a mysterious shackle that encircles one wrist. What he discovers is that the people of Absolution don’t welcome strangers, and nobody makes a move on its streets unless ordered to do so by the iron-fisted Colonel Dolarhyde (Ford). It’s a town that lives in fear. But Absolution is about to experience fear it can scarcely comprehend as the desolate city is attacked by marauders from the sky. Screaming down with breathtaking velocity and blinding lights to abduct the helpless one by one, these monsters challenge everything the residents have ever known. Now, the stranger they rejected is their only hope for salvation. As this gunslinger slowly starts to remember who he is and where he’s been, he realizes he holds a secret that could give the town a fighting chance against the alien force. With the help of the elusive traveler Ella (Olivia Wilde), he pulls together a posse comprised of former opponents-townsfolk, Dolarhyde and his boys, outlaws and Apache warriors-all in danger of annihilation. United against a common enemy, they will prepare for an epic showdown for survival.
Verdict: 4/10
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Dark Days (2000)
DARK DAYS explores the surprisingly domestic subterranean world of a homeless community living in a train tunnel beneath NYC. Through stories heartbreaking and hilarious, tunnel dwellers reveal their reasons for taking refuge and their struggle to survive underground. With a hypnotic soundtrack by legendary DJ Shadow, DARK DAYS is still an enduring classic, ten years after its initial release.
Verdict: 8/10
City of Women (1980)
In this dream-sequence film, renowned Italian director Federico Fellini expounds at length on the nature, complexities, attitudes, and hang-ups of women and how this all relates to men ‘hunting’ sexual conquests. Snaporaz (Marcello Mastroianni) is traveling in a compartment on a train when he lapses into sleep and dreams the ensuing story. He follows a woman off the train and through a field and then loses her. Soon, as a representative of the male sex in general he finds himself in a hotel, among myriad women attending a feminist conference. Surreal episodes take him through a villa with his alter-ego Dr. Katzone (Ettore Manni, who died during filming) and references to his sexual exploits. Reunited with his former wife for a moment, he starts another sequence which reviews his past.
Verdict: 8/10
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Doghouse (2009)
On the p*ss. On the pull. On the menu…
The latest and most outrageous in a wave of UK comic horror films like Shaun Of The Dead, Doghouse is a raucous, balls-out funny spin on male insecurity over their own masculinity and vengeful women. A group of guys (including Danny Dyer of The Football Factory and Severance and Stephen Graham of Snatch and Public Enemies) head off for a boys weekend to buck up a friend still depressed over a painful divorce. Unfortunately, they end up in an isolated town infected with a bio-weapon that has turned all the women into the man-hating monsters the lads always suspected women were at heart. The guys spend less time bonding and a lot more time fleeing from hairdressers, nurses, schoolgirls and other iconic female figures all looking to snip away with scissors and swords and literally do what the guys have been fearing for years. Deftly satirical, witty and just bloody good fun, Doghouse is the most original battle of the sexes in years.
Verdict: 4/10
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10 Things I Hate About You (1999)
New kid in school Cameron (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) is smitten with the beautiful Bianca (Larisa Oleynik). The problem is that Bianca isn’t allowed to date unless her surly older sister Kat (Julia Stiles) does. Cameron’s only hope is to enlist the help of Patrick (Heath Ledger), the school troublemaker with a reputation as nasty as Kat’s. This special edition brings back the love-struck high school classmates of ’99 with a treasure trove of never-before-seen footage. Also featuring a retro soundtrack of memorable nineties tunes, 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU is a comedy you can count on.
Verdict: 7/10
Sling Blade (1996)
25 Years after commiting an unthinkable crime, a quiet man named Karl (Thornton) finally returns home. Once there, he’s befriended by a fatherless boy and his mother. But when his newfound peace is shattered by the mother’s abusive boyfriend, Karl is suddenly placed on a collision course with his past! Also starring Robert Duvall, John Ritter and J.T. Walsh, this emotional powerhouse is an unforgettable experience for the eyes and ears as well as the heart.
Verdict: 9/10
Man on the Train (2002)
Patrice Leconte’s (Girl on the Bridge) MAN ON THE TRAIN tells the touching story of two men from different walks of life as they develop an unexpected friendship and change each other’s view of life at the last possible moment. Milan (Hallyday), a thief, steps off the train in a small town in the French Alps where he plans to rob a local bank. By chance, after he is unable to find a room for the night, he encounters Manesquier (Rochefort), a retired poetry teacher whose sedentary lifestyle bores even himself. Sharing nothing in common except important plans for the weekend – one is to rob a bank and the other is to go in for open-heart surgery – the two men begin talking and soon develop a respect for one another, as well as a secret longing to live the type of lifestyle the other lives. And, as the friendship grows even stronger, each man defies his personality to explore his yearning for the life of the other.
Verdict: 8/10
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Erased/The Expatriate (2012)
Aaron Eckhart stars as an ex-CIA agent who discovers he’s been targeted in a deadly international conspiracy. A dangerous game of cat-and-mouse ensues as he tries to uncover the truth.
Verdict: 5/10
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Lemony Snicket (2004)
Three wealthy children’s parents are killed in a fire. When they are sent to a distant relative, they find out that he is plotting to kill them and seize their fortune.
Verdict: 7/10
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Blood (2012)
When a murder suspect’s interrogation turns violent, two detectives (Paul Bettany, Stephen Graham) must deal with the consequences and the suspicions of a fellow detective (Mark Strong).
Verdict: 6/10
Instinct (1999)
Don’t miss Academy Award(R)-winners Anthony Hopkins (Best Actor, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS, THE INNOCENT) and Cuba Gooding, Jr. (Best Supporting Actor, JERRY MAGUIRE, PEARL HARBOR) in this highly provocative psychological thriller from the hit-making director of PHENOMENON and WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING! In a prison for the criminally insane, deranged anthropologist Ethan Powell (Hopkins) is set to be examined by a bright young psychiatrist, Theo Caulder (Gooding). Driven by ambition and a hunger for the truth, Caulder will eventually risk everything — even put his very life on the line — in a harrowing attempt to understand the bizarre actions of this madman! Also starring Donald Sutherland (A TIME TO KILL, DISCLOSURE) and Maura Tierney (FORCES OF NATURE, LIAR LIAR) in a first-rate cast — Powell and Caulder’s adventure of the mind is a riveting journey of discovery … no matter what the cost!
Verdict: 6/10
Slumming (2006)
A privileged young prankster with a cruel streak sends an alcoholic poet on a redemptive quest to find his way back home in director Michael Glawogger’s semi-existential road drama. Sebastian (August Diehl) is a well-to-do slacker who has crafted his skill for slumming into something of an art form. Along with his flatmate Alex (Michael Ostrowski), Sebastian frequently arranges meetings with various women in dive bars throughout Vienna, only to photograph them surreptitiously under the table and use the resulting pictures as an endless source of amusement. As his already mean tricks begin to turn outright malicious, Sebastian finds the once-willing Alex growing increasingly uncomfortable with their ‘harmless’ pastime. Kallman (Paulus Manker) is a troubled alcoholic who sells his poems on the street in order to stay inebriated. When Sebastian and Alex discover an unconscious Kallman sleeping off his latest round of drinks on a train station bench, they quickly spirit the clueless drunk into their car and across the Czech border where he is casually dumped without identification in a remote village. Subsequently enamored by restless local teacher Pia (Pia Hierzegger), Sebastian inadvertently revolts the kindly educator by jovially revealing the details of his latest practical joke. As a determined Pia sets out to locate the ailing alcoholic and safely bring him back home, Kallman attempts to recount just how he ended up so far away from Vienna as he navigates a strange and unfamiliar landscape.
Verdict: 7/10
Manchester United (2000)
Official feature-length film tracing the fortunes of the Manchester United football team during the 1999/2000 season, the season after winning the treble. Includes footage of the training sessions, the World Club Championships in Brazil, and the attempts to retain the European Cup.
Verdict: 5/10
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Meeting Evil (2012)
Samuel L. Jackson and Luke Wilson star in MEETING EVIL, an intense psychological thriller that will bring you face to face with pure terror. Jackson is Richie, a mysterious stranger who shows up at John’s (Wilson) door asking for help with his car. All too soon, the mild-mannered John discovers he has become an unwilling passenger, trapped in a murderous ride through town and deep into the countryside. When Richie decides to pay a visit to John’s wife (Leslie Bibb) and kids, John has no choice but to confront this sadistic and unpredictable killer – But saving his family will ultimately come at a terrible price.
Verdict: 5/10
Cropsey (2009)
Growing up on Staten Island, filmmakers Joshua Zeman and Barbara Brancaccio had often heard the legend of Cropsey. For the kids in their neighborhood, Cropsey was the escaped mental patient who lived in the old, abandoned Willowbrook Mental Institution and would come out at night to snatch children off the streets. Later as teenagers, the filmmakers assumed Cropsey was just an urban legend: a cautionary tale used to keep them out of those abandoned buildings. That all changed in the summer of 1987 when 12-year-old Jennifer Schweiger disappeared from their community.
Now as adults Joshua and Barbara have returned to Staten Island to create Cropsey a feature documentary that delves into the mystery behind Jennifer and four additional missing children. The film also investigates Andre Rand, the real-life boogeyman linked to their disappearances. Embarking on a mysterious journey into the underbelly of their forgotten borough, these filmmakers uncover a reality that is more terrifying than any urban legend.
Verdict: 7/10
Ravenous (1999)
Captain John Boyd’s promotion stations him at a fort where a rescued man tells a disturbing tale of cannibalism.
Verdict: 5/10
The Five Obstructions (2003)
With THE FIVE OBSTRUCTIONS, notoriously mischievous director Lars von Trier performs yet another cinematic experiment. This time around, the Danish prankster tries to outwit his mentor, director Jorgen Leth, forcing him to remake his classic 1967 short, ‘The Perfect Human’, five different times, with a series of increasingly outlandish guidelines. His goal is to break down the abnormally stable Leth, teaching him a valuable life lesson in the process. In the first film, von Trier sends Leth to Cuba and sets his first seemingly insurmountable rule: make a film that consists of shots that are no longer than twelve frames at a time. Miraculously, Leth uses his forced limitations to create a beautiful work, which obviously irks von Trier. Next up, von Trier challenges Leth to return to Bombay – which he calls the ‘most wretched place on Earth’ – in order to confront some demons from his past. Once again, the clever mentor rises to the challenge. Frustrated and sensing defeat, von Trier’s next challenge is deceptively simple: Leth must remake his film with no limitations whatsoever. He travels to Brussels and succeeds once again. After a foray into animation, von Trier creates the final obstruction, a film in which von Trier admits defeat and pays tribute to his mentor. ‘The Five Obstructions’ is a thoughtful, entertaining meditation on the filmmaking process.
Verdict: 8/10
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May 24, 2014
Charlie’s Bleaklisted Books: The Diary of a Nobody
What happens?
It’s a diary about a year or so in the lives of Charles and Caroline Pooter, their family, friends and other animals.
Reason for bleaklisting?
The title says it all. Who cares?
What should have happened?
Derek von Steamroller is a bank clerk who works many hours and earns well for his family – his wife, Irene, and their five children – Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich. Derek is respected in society and very popular with lots of people. Despite having riches and the respect of his peers, Derek isn’t satisfied. He always wants to do more. Whenever there is a crisis he is there, not as Derek Steamroller, but as the Steamroller Man, a superhero better than all the others. Derek goes about his life as a bank clerk but at a moment’s notice (or however long it takes to get his outfit on), Derek heads all over the world and saves whoever he can. Being the Steamroller Man, he is a bit slow but manages to help some people and failing that, he always arrives at a scene in time to help the police with their enquiries. All in all, he’s a great bloke, but disaster isn’t far away when Derek gets man flu and can’t go to work or be a superhero for two days!
Special instruction
This needs to take pride of place in all hangouts for superheroes and must be renamed, The Diary of Somebody Important.
Mr B compares the stories
I’m sure back in the day when Batman, Spiderman and Superman were first being created that maybe, just maybe, someone touched on the idea of Steamroller Man and dismissed it very quickly. George and Weedon Grossmith’s The Diary of a Nobody is considered a classic book and a funny one at that. Charlie’s alternative reeks of simply writing any old garbage in the space of three minutes. Hang on! This just in. Charlie has just informed me he actually spent 3 minutes and 46 seconds laying out the plot for The Diary of Somebody Important. I stand corrected!
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May 23, 2014
Dave’s Odyssey #24
In May 2008, I went travelling on my own for the first time and was out of England for a month. Along the way I took in Singapore, New Zealand, Australia and Thailand before coming home. I kept a journal of my time on the road, so here’s a day by day account of my trials and tribulations that has the undeserved title of Dave’s Odyssey.
Day 24 – Cairns
No golden beaches in Cairns!
It was nice to have a lie in this morning though I was still up at 7.30 a.m. and having breakfast by 8.00. I hadn’t planned on doing much today so set off before 9.00 to find an Internet Café. I was amazed that after nearly two hours on the Internet I was only charged $3. I sent around eight emails and confirmed the last of the season’s football results so I knew who was where as far as the leagues were concerned. Barnsley FC failed to impress as usual but at least we avoided relegation!
Afterwards I avoided the shops and made straight for the Esplanade. This was a road on the seafront with cafés, bars, restaurants and shops in abundance on one side. The other side offered the scenic route along the coast and encouraged health and fitness along the way.
I was surprised to find that there was no golden beach with crystal clear water. Instead the land stretching out to the sea was mostly mud with sea grass and other plants somehow finding the means to grow. Nearby notices warned of the possible presence of crocodiles in the area and included admonishments to stay clear of the water. It also offered other helpful hints like crocodiles may caused harm if approached. You don’t say! It certainly ended any temptation I might have had of a stroll along the water’s edge.
That said the coastline was still spectacular.
There was a lot to see along the Esplanade. War memorials and relics paid tribute to the brave men from the World Wars. Further on there were a series of boards detailing the history of Cairns and numerous facts about the Great Barrier Reef as well. There was certainly a lot to take in.
Towards the end of the Esplanade I left the shops and restaurants behind and found myself in the residential area. A long line of houses looking straight out at the ocean; I shuddered to think how much they were worth. Despite their excellent location noise pollution would have been something of a problem. Every so often I saw planes appear from behind a copse of trees so the airport clearly wasn’t far away. It seemed a small price to pay for such a beautiful spot though.
I headed along a different road on my way back to the hotel. The pavement kept disappearing to be replaced by a long row of grass with brown tyre marks whenever I passed someone’s driveway. It was difficult to tell whether the grass was a public footpath or someone’s private property. I opted not to stop and ask.
Memorial in Cairns
I did little else for the rest of the day. I didn’t want my facial burns from the day before to be out in the sun too much and my cap did little to hide them from view. Thankfully, they’re not painful or tender but I’ll be much happier once they’re gone. I think this day was good just to recharge the old batteries. I knew a lot of other people in the group hadn’t planned on doing much either. Chance to take it easy on the tour were few and far between.
Tomorrow we would leave Cairns and fly to Sydney for the last leg of the Australian tour. There’d be little free time in Sydney while as I’d opted to use a day to head far out of the city and see the Blue Mountains. A week from now I’d be touching down in London and preparing to fight the rush hour mayhem. I decided to try and enjoy what was left of the holiday instead of worrying about that though.
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May 21, 2014
Masterpieces #19: Resident Evil
About Resident Evil (1996)
For years a secluded mansion and its grounds have been the site of top-secret biotechnic experiments. The research staff has been funded by a respected (if slightly unethical) corporation. The weekly laboratory reports have been increasingly vague and now they have stopped completely. Recent gory attacks near the mansion have lead to rumors of unnatural canines on the prowl. Something has gone terribly wrong.Two S.T.A.R.S. teams (Special Tactics and Rescue Squad) are sent to investigate these strange and gruesome developments. Bravo Team mobilizes first and disappears almost immediately. Alpha Team follows, urgently driven towards the mansion. As either Chris Redfield or Jill Valentine, two valuable parts of the Alpha team, you work your way inside. Everything is quiet… too quiet.
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Resident Evil (1996)
Capcom first released Resident Evil in 1996 on the crest of a positive wave of reviews. Nearly two decades later there have been numerous sequels and even five outings on the big screen. Though the latest instalments in the series continue to improve, the original Resident Evil remains a proud achievement.
A series of gruesome murders have been committed on the outskirts of Raccoon City close to a bio tech lab. A rescue team – S.T.A.R.S. – is called in to investigate the atrocities. Bravo team is sent first but when they disappear, it is left to Alpha Team to solve the mystery. After locating Bravo Team’s abandoned helicopter, Alpha Team come under attack from a group of vicious dogs and are forced to flee for a nearby and remote mansion after their own helicopter leaves them behind! The remaining members of Alpha Team must not only survive the many threats in the mansion, but must discover the source behind them.
At the start of the game you have the option of playing as either Chris Redfield or Jill Valentine. While the main events of the story remain the same for both characters, their individual progress through the mansion is quite different with Jill’s scenario far more straightforward than that of Chris. No sooner have you entered the mansion than Jill/Chris are left alone to search the many rooms with just a Beretta and knife for company. You will face numerous puzzles and have to obtain keys to unlock doors and gain access to further areas of the mansion and obtain better weapons. Along the way you will have the opportunity to read letters, journals and books from the mansion that reveal many of its darkest secrets.
Resident Evil was appropriately dubbed a `survival horror’ when it was first released and this forms one of the main components of the game. As you solve the puzzles and uncover the truth about the mansion, you will be faced with a myriad of malevolent monsters. Zombies and dogs are the earliest threats but the deeper into the mansion you delve the more dangerous your foes become. Gathering First Aid Sprays and medicinal herbs will help reduce your chances of an untimely demise but these items are not in abundance and need to be conserved. You will need a large degree of careful planning as your characters have to continually obtain fresh ammo to keep their guns replenished while the limited amount of items they can carry – 8 for Jill and 6 for Chris – will ensure you need to be selective.
The only flaw with Resident Evil is the short animations as you enter new rooms or ascend/descend stairways. Though the opening of a door or slow climbing of steps can add to the overall tension of the game, they soon become a hindrance rather than a plus point. The voice acting is also weak at times with some unintentionally amusing exchanges between the characters. That could be a plus or minus dependent on your sense of humour.
Resident Evil has stood up well to the test of time. Though visually inferior to the later games in the series, it remains an unnerving experience, even more so than its sequels. With three different endings for each character and some useful bonuses to unlock, Resident Evil will keep you engaged long after you’ve stopped hiding behind the sofa.
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May 18, 2014
This Week’s Films (18/05/14)
Some Guy Who Kills People (2011)
At first glance, Ken Boyd may seem like an average comic enthusiast, living with his mother and working to make ends meet as an underpaid, underappreciated ice cream parlor attendant. But Ken has a dirty little secret: he fantasizes about killing people. After being released from a stay in the loony bin, for severe mental trauma suffered when he was beaten and tortured by a gang of high school thugs, Ken’s repressed anger suddenly reaches a boiling point. With gleeful enthusiasm Ken hunts down his tormentors, one by one, and exacts his bloody revenge.
Verdict: 8/10
The Great Train Robbery (1978)
All aboard for runaway action and suspense in this riveting masterpiece from writer/director Michael Crichton! Starring Sean Connery, Donald Sutherland and Lesley Anne-Down, it’s a “spine-tingling and suavely performed” adventure (The Hollywood Reporter) based on history’s first train robbery. Filmed by Academy Award-winning* cinematographer Geoffrey Unsworth, this “ingenious” (Variety) and “wonderful” (Gene Shalit) crime caper delivers mile-a-minute thrills and breathtaking excitement. Connery is Edward Pierce, a master thief who conceives a brilliant plan to steal a fortune in gold bars from a railroad payroll car. But to pull off the most daring heist in history, Pierce must join forces with a safecracker (Sutherland) and his own beautiful girlfriend (Down) in a series of intricately plotted thefts that will test all of their nerve, camaraderie and larcenous skill.
Verdict: 7/10
Crime Time (1996)
Bobby Mahon is an actor playing a notorious serial killer on prime-time television. The show becomes a hit, which encourages the real-life murderer on whom it’s based, to go on a spree to make it on screen.
Verdict: 5/10
Dead Babies/Mood Swingers (2000)
What starts as an intimate gathering of college students at a secluded mansion soon becomes a frenzy of parties and debauchery when additional friends arrive with their own formulas for fun. In the meantime, a terrorist group known as “The Conceptualists” infiltrates the area, committing random acts of murder and violence. Oblivious to the danger now among them, the students continue their partying until all hell breaks loose and the body count rises!
Verdict: 3/10
Hollywood Homicide (2003)
From Oscar-nominated Ron Shelton (Best Writing, Original Screenplay, Bull Durham, 1989) this hot action comedy is guaranteed to keep you on the edge of your seat…and in stitches. Starring Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett, HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE redefines the buddy-cop genre. In Hollywood, no one is who they really want to be. Veteran police detective Joe Gavilan (Ford) and his rookie partner K.C. Calden (Hartnett) are no exception. Between Joe’s struggling real estate business and K.C.’s fledgling acting career and yoga instruction, they’ve got a major murder case to solve. With both Internal Affairs and their main suspect on their tails, Joe and K.C. have to infiltrate the dangerous world of the hip-hop recording industry. Juggling two careers proves to be a comical adventure, with Joe and K.C. desperate to stay alive long enough to catch their big break.
Verdict: 4/10
Stitches (2012)
Ten years after a prank on his birthday left hired clown Stitches dead on his kitchen floor, Tommy’s childhood friends gather to plan one last birthday party to end all parties. But they didn’t count on the degenerate jester returning from the grave to seek vengeance on the children who caused his untimely end. Now Tommy and his friends are on the run from an undead jokester who’s ready to use every trick in the book to exact his revenge. Dead Meat director Conor McMahon delivers a delirious slasher with STITCHES, the hilariously twisted and blood soaked tale of one very bad clown.
Verdict: 4/10
The World’s End (2013)
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost reteam with director Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz) in this wildly entertaining thrill ride that critics call “funny as hell” (Richard Roeper, WLS-AM Chicago) and “sheer comic perfection” (Peter Travers, Rolling Stone). Twenty years after their first epic pub crawl attempt, the “five musketeers” reunite in their home town to complete the ultimate challenge – one night, five friends, twelve bars – a boozy quest on which only the strongest will survive. But after a bizarre series of encounters with the out-of-this-world locals, they soon realize that reaching their final pub, The World’s End, may be the least of their troubles. They’re having the time of their lives, ready to take on the world…but tonight they may have to save it.
Verdict: 8/10
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Extinction: The G.M.O. Chronicles (2011)
A virus, designed as a tool in gene technology, goes out of control and infects 90% of the population leading to uncontrollable mutations. These zombie like humans seem intent on bringing an end to the few remaining uninfected humans on the planet. The few survivors must band together to survive against the horde and find a cure before time runs out.
Verdict: 5/10
Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964)
Special-effects wunderkind and genre master Byron Haskin (The War of the Worlds, The Outer Limits) won a place in the hearts of fantasy-film lovers everywhere with this gorgeously designed journey into the unknown. When his spaceship crash-lands on the barren wastelands of Mars, U.S. astronaut Commander “Kit” Draper (Paul Mantee) must fight for survival, with a pet monkey seemingly his only companion. But is he alone? Shot in vast Techniscope and blazing Technicolor, Robinson Crusoe on Mars is an imaginative and beloved techni-marvel of classic science fiction.
Verdict: 6/10
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen (2011)
From the beloved director of Chocolat and the Oscar®-winning screenwriter of Slumdog Millionaire (2008) comes the inspirational comedy Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. A visionary Sheikh (Amr Waked) believes his passion for the peaceful pastime of salmon fishing can enrich the lives of his people, and he dreams of bringing the sport to the not so fish-friendly desert. Willing to spare no expense, he instructs his representative (Emily Blunt) to turn the dream into reality, an extraordinary feat that will require the involvement of Britain’s leading fisheries expert (Ewan McGregor), who happens to think the project both absurd and unachievable. That is, until the Prime Minister’s overzealous press secretary (Kristin Scott Thomas) latches onto it as a ‘good will’ story. Now, this unlikely team will put it all on the line and embark on an upstream journey of faith and fish to prove the impossible, possible.
Verdict: 7/10
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My Soul to Take (2010)
On the day the Riverton Ripper vanished without a trace, seven children were born. Today, they’re all turning 16… and turning up dead. Legendary director Wes Craven (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream) keeps your heart racing with a suspense-thriller filled with twists, turns and a dark secret that will send your soul searching for cover.
Verdict: 2/10
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All the Pretty Horses (2000)
Always wanting to live the cowboy lifestyle, young John Grady (Damon) sets off for a Hacienda in Mexico. While there, John enters into a passionate romance with the spellbinding Alejandra (Cruz), much to the displeasure of her powerful father. Doomed from the start, their illicit affair will culminate in murder and betrayal and young John will have to confront the ultimate test of inner strength and resilience.
Verdict: 5/10
Bug (1975)
A massive earth tremor opens a deep crevasse in the California dessert, releasing a bizarre and deadly breed of foot-long cockroaches which threaten to destroy the city of Riverside before spreading across the country.
Verdict: 2/10
Homegrown (1998)
Five million dollars worth of California’s sweetest export is up for grabs when a mysterious assailant kills the rightful owner. Now, three naive hired hands who witnessed the murder are drawn into a dangerous world of double-dealing and death threats as they try to harvest and sell the yield. Take a deep breath and get ready to enjoy the most paranoid comedy of the growing season.
Verdict: 3/10
Conan the Destroyer (1984)
The fabulous Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor, author, seven times Mr. Olympia and five times Mr. Universe, is back for the further adventures of Conan, the warrior king. And this time he’s joined by a large cast that includes Grace Jones and Wilt Chamberlain. In this second Conan epic, he is asked by the evil Queen Taramis to accompany a beautiful young princess to find a magic treasure. If he returns with the treasure and the virgin, the Queen promises to bring Conan’s beloved Valeria back from the dead. But little does he know that she plans to kill them both, or that the return of the treasure will mean the extinction of mankind. In the words of People magazine, “…the action is large-scale, the plot suitably fantastic, and the climax, a fight to the death between Conan and a god brought back to life (the monster was designed by E.T. creator Carlo Rambaldi), is slam-bang.”
Verdict: 5/10
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Angela’s Ashes (1999)
Life in impoverished Depression-era Ireland holds little promise for young Frank McCourt, the oldest son in a tightly-knit family. Living by his wits, cheered by his irrepressible spirit, and sustained by his mother’s fierce love, Frank embarks on an inspiring journey to overcome the poverty of his childhood and reach the land of his dreams: America.
Verdict: 7/10
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Far and Away (1992)
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman star in this critically-acclaimed romantic adventure from director Ron Howard. This breathtaking epic opens on the west coast of Ireland, 1892. Joseph Donelly (Cruise), a poor tenant farmer, is determined to bring justice to an oppressive landlord. Instead, he finds himself accompanying the landlord’s daughter, Shannon (Kidman), to America in a quest for land. Arriving in Boston, Joseph finds a place for them to live while proving a natural at bare-fisted boxing. But his triumph is short-lived as he and Shannon are thrown out into the bitter cold. Joseph sets off for work on the railroad, until a passing wagon train reminds him of his original goal to possess his own land. Preparing to stake his claim in the new territory, he runs into Shannon who is unhappily reunited with her former fiance. In the excitement of the Oklahoma land rush, they realize their dreams of land and life together in this satisfying grand-scale adventure that WNCN Radio calls “Ron Howard’s best film – a wondrous epic!”
Verdict: 4/10
Anywhere but Here (1999)
Adele is flashy, flirtatious dreamer. Her daughter Ann is a quiet, no-nonsense realist. On the surface, they’re like oil and water, but deep down there are two of a kind. “Susan Sarandon is show-stopping” (The New York Times) and “Natalie Portman soars” (NY-1) in this funny and touching story about a mother who knows best and a daughter who knows better!
Verdict: 7/10
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Dirty Wars (2013)
Journalist Jeremy Scahill presents a thrilling, globe-trotting exposé of America’s expanding secret wars.
Verdict: 8/10
Slacker (1991)
Slacker, directed by Richard Linklater (Dazed and Confused), presents a day in the life of a loose-knit Austin, Texas, subculture populated by eccentric and overeducated young people. Shooting on 16 mm for a mere $3,000, writer-producer-director Linklater and his crew of friends threw out any idea of a traditional plot, choosing instead to create a tapestry of over a hundred characters, each as compelling as the last. Slacker is a prescient look at an emerging generation of aggressive nonparticipants, and one of the key films of the American independent film movement of the 1990s.
Verdict: 7/10
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The Tracey Fragments (2007)
“My name is Tracey Berkowitz… 15… just a normal girl who hates herself.” Oscar-nominated* Ellen Page (Juno) delivers an extraordinary performance as a feisty, independent-minded teenager with a unique view of the world. From cutting-edge director Bruce McDonald (Hard Core Logo, Roadkill), The Tracey Fragments tells the story of an outsider who uses fantasy to help her deal with a secret crush, loneliness and frustration. When her 7-year-old brother wanders away while under her care, she examines her life as she is propelled on a late-night journey through the city in a desperate attempt to find him.
Verdict: 6/10
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Jesus Camp (2006)
Controversial documentary about kids attending a theological summer camp. The filmmakers step back from the fray and let the subjects words speak for themselves. Some reviewers have held this up as an example of the religious far right brainwashing kids, calling it the scariest horror film of the year. Solid reviews and continued press should generate interest in seeing this film upon release.
Verdict: 8/10
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May 16, 2014
Dave’s Odyssey #23
In May 2008, I went travelling on my own for the first time and was out of England for a month. Along the way I took in Singapore, New Zealand, Australia and Thailand before coming home. I kept a journal of my time on the road, so here’s a day by day account of my trials and tribulations that has the undeserved title of Dave’s Odyssey.
Day 23 – Cairns – The Great Barrier Reef
Upolu Cay, the Great Barrier Reef
There seems to be a curse amongst our group at the moment. The poor dear that fell awkwardly at Walpa Gorge chose not to go to the Barrier Reef as did her husband. Then another member of our group – Derek – was taken to hospital suffering a bad reaction to some medication. Alex informed me that he would have to go to the hospital too and that I was head of the group on his behalf! He never told me exactly what I needed to do as leader so my philosophy was to let everyone do whatever the hell they pleased.
Alex dropped us off at the docks and we quickly set sail on the catamaran. Most of us opted to sit on the deck and admire the scenery. It was slightly overcast in Cairns and very breezy out on the ocean, so much so that Valerie – one of my adopted grandparents – lost her hat. I couldn’t keep my cap on and this would later prove to be damaging.
Due to the unpredictable weather our tour was amended slightly. Our first stop was Upolu Cay, a natural sand island used as base for those going snorkelling. They were taken out to the island on a glass-bottomed boat while the rest of us relaxed on deck. The sun was out but struggled to break through the clouds at times meaning sunbathing was pointless.
It wasn’t as grey as this but still overcast on our trip to the Barrier Reef
After a delightful buffet lunch I opted to take a ride aboard the glass-bottomed boat and it was a memorable voyage, I must say. While we watched the bottom of the shallow sea give way to the coral reefs we had some commentary detailing a few facts and figures about the Barrier Reef. The surprising thing was how dull and monotonous it appeared colour-wise but this was explained as a result of the depths the reef is at. The lack of a myriad of colours surprises most tourists it seems. We saw plenty of fish, starfish and giant clams so it was more than a worthwhile trek.
I didn’t feel bad about not snorkelling on the reef, especially after hearing accounts from others in the group. The conditions weren’t ideal, they didn’t see many fish and most were in the water only a few minutes before they had to surface, as their masks were quickly filling with water. Even in the shallows at Upolu Cay I think that would have put me off.
The journey back to shore was as memorable as the rest of the day. I braved the deck once more and sat with a small group from my tour. The breeze was strong, the catamaran was rocking violently and ocean spray was hitting us all. It was fantastic scenery and a great way to set for shore.
The bad luck plaguing or group reared its ugly head before the end of the day. In the morning, two women from our group had felt seasick and a third – Jackie – was having a torrid time on the swaying vessel, so much so that she was hanging onto the nearest rope and looking horrified at every moment. In the afternoon one of the seasick women recovered enough to join us on the deck and was rewarded for her courage by having her trousers completely drenched. Her misfortune wasn’t surprising. Her husband, on this day, still carried cuts on his nose inflicted on a tour outside Melbourne when a friendly bird tried and failed to land on his face. I hadn’t been there to see it, but I imagine it was horrifying!
This is how my face felt after stepping off the catamaran! A harsh lesson learned about the ocean breeze.
I was the last to leave the deck and on my return to the lower deck found I’d missed out on free wine while the poor dear who had seemingly recovered from her seasickness had now succumbed once more and filled a few bags in the process. I felt so sorry for her. Thankfully the voyage soon came to an end and we got her ashore.
Back at the hotel I was surprised to find that the top half of my face was bright red. I’d put suntan lotion on the lower half in the morning and assumed my cap would shadow the rest. Since I’d had my cap off for almost the entire journey the top half of my face had been made to suffer. I’d had ample warnings from my group who told me the strong breeze and ocean spray could be just as damaging as the sun. They must have a point because the sun struggled in the overcast skies and we had rain to contend with at times. Oh well, it had been an enjoyable day despite the uneven burns on my face.
Tomorrow promised a free day in Cairns. Looking at the map Cairns appeared to be all shops, restaurants and cafés with nothing much to do aside from further oceanic excursions. I didn’t mind too much. I wanted to email some people from an Internet café. I told family and friends back home that I’d email all the time but had only done so once in 23 days. It had been difficult finding time. So, tomorrow would be uneventful but after the hectic last few days with early wake-up calls and the rough terrain of the Northern Territory that could only be a good thing.
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