E. Grey Lorimer's Blog, page 3
May 25, 2011
Is Compatibility All That and a Bag of Chips?
Most of us buy into the recent ballyhoo surrounding compatibility as selection criteria
for singles. Like moths to the flame, we grab hold of any upfront promise that increases our chances of finding a lifelong true love partner. I remain unconvinced that compatibility matters at all and the placating publicity seems counterintuitive to me.
Our instincts naturally select away from too much compatibility, the classic incest taboo. Most geneticists would argue that our instinctual intelligence has evolved to select genetic diversity in order to increase the next generation's resistance to disease. We are quite good at picking up non-compatible genetic markers through the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of potential love partners.
I would take it one-step further and rally to the camp of modern psychologists who argue that opposites attract. They are referring to personality opposites of course. This may be our perceptual (emotional) level of mind also selecting for an increased strength of offspring. In this case, selecting opposites may result in a more attractive personality and social acceptance by their next generation counterparts. Intellectually the same may hold true. Couples who display diversity in culture, opinion, interests and sense of humor for example, may produce well-versed children who are naturally considered more intelligent by their peers.
The benefits of incompatibility are not just reserved for our offspring. Pair-bonded lovers can enjoy real mental growth that is directly attributable to celebrated differences. For example, consider the emotional level of mind where one partner has an introverted personal preference and the partner has an extroverted preference.
If you are an extrovert about to enter or already in a love relationship with an introvert, be prepared to be underwhelmed over and over again. Too much social stimulation can overwhelm introverts. Try not to push too hard socially, rather slow down and smell the roses over some quite, just the two of you, alone time. Think back to how you felt when you peed your pants in kindergarten or when the fifth grade teacher made fun of you in front of the entire class or when you showed up at the prom with a bunch of pimples on your face. That is how an introvert constantly feels when pushed into social situations and, if you push too hard, the bonds of true love will not form.
Help your introvert to understand the rewards of an expanded social comfort zone by first earning their trust. Let them know that you will be happy to take the spotlight so they won't have to and that you will be willing to retreat when they have had enough social stimulation. Consider that, in order to foster true love with your introvert and reap its benefits, you will have to move more than half way along the social line of connection and help coach them to that point of equilibrium. Remember, their motivation comes from within and you must slowly earn their trust to help them understand how to become a more complete mental human.
Conversely, the introvert must be prepared to be overwhelmed, while at the same time try to be open to new experiences and expand tolerance for social events. Think back to how you felt when you bought home straight "A"s on your report card or when you had your first kiss. You probably did not mind sharing those experiences and excitement and being the focus of attention for a little while. That is how an extrovert feels every second of every day. Help your extrovert realize that not every party is the World's Fair and coach them to understand the value of some time out for self-reflection. Also, consider that, in order to experience the benefits of true love, you will have to move more than half way along the social line of connection and open up your feelings (they may be hurt) to help move your extrovert to a reasonable point of equilibrium. Remember, their motivation comes from the outside world so to earn their trust you will have to let them know that they are worth expanding your social horizons.
I can't speak for everyone but I am pretty sure that I would not want my clone as my life partner.
May 17, 2011
Can I Have True Love and a Prenup?
This is one of the most difficult questions that I have ever been asked and it is
not because I am not a lawyer, I'm not. It is difficult because my personal opinion on prenuptial agreements differs from the general requirements of a true love relationship. A prenuptial agreement or premarital agreement is a legal contract entered into prior to marriage or a civil union that typically outlines asset distribution in the event of divorce. Civilized governments from the time of the first priest kings have recognized certain rights and privileges associated with a state declared union including common property rights. In fact, the main reason for publically declaring the union through a marriage contract has historically been so that the state and everyone else can legally recognize and uphold these property rights.
A true love relationship requires only that both partners are honest, open and naked on any intellectual issue of opinion. So yes, you can have true love and a prenup. If the partners discuss the prenuptial agreement upfront, all layered up contents are disclosed and understood and both love partners recognize the agreement as equitable and beneficial there is no counter indication to a true love relationship. Unfortunately, my personal opinion is not as kind as true love when it comes to prenups.
At a time in the U.S. when many believe the divorce rate is nearing 50%, I can understand the pressure on an excessively wealthy individual to protect preexisting assets against the divorce trend. However, I also understand that a prenuptial agreement is simply a legal agreement declaring, "I'm not sure that you are the one." Maybe the real question should read, "Can I have my cake and eat it too". Perhaps the partner presenting the prenup for signature should take time away from their attorney and banker and spend it with their fiancé until they are sure that they really want to get married. I have a new money-making proposition for the other partner's attorney. They could develop a rate card and historical compensation schedule for all the services rendered up to the point of marriage to be included as an amendment to the prenuptial agreement. It might look like this:
Service Rate Qty Compensation Due
Encouragement 200 475 $95,000
Compliments 100 1,500 $150,000
Nice to future in-laws 500 110 $55,000
Sex ∞ 1 ½ of net worth
Can I Have True Love and A Prenup?
This is one of the most difficult questions that I have ever been asked and it is not because I am not a lawyer, I'm not. It is difficult because my personal opinion on prenuptial agreements differs from the general requirements of a true love relationship. A prenuptial agreement or premarital agreement is a legal contract entered into prior to marriage or a civil union that typically outlines asset distribution in the event of divorce. Civilized governments from the time of the first priest kings have recognized certain rights and privileges associated with a state declared union including common property rights. In fact, the main reason for publically declaring the union through a marriage contract has historically been so that the state and everyone else can legally recognize and uphold these property rights.
A true love relationship requires only that both partners are honest, open and naked on any intellectual issue of opinion. So yes, you can have true love and a prenup. If the partners discuss the prenuptial agreement upfront, all layered up contents are disclosed and understood and both love partners recognize the agreement as equitable and beneficial there is no counter indication to a true love relationship. Unfortunately, my personal opinion is not as kind as true love when it comes to prenups.
At a time in the U.S. when many believe the divorce rate is nearing 50%, I can understand the pressure on an excessively wealthy individual to protect preexisting assets against the divorce trend. However, I also understand that a prenuptial agreement is simply a legal agreement declaring, "I'm not sure that you are the one." Maybe the real question should read, "Can I have my cake and eat it too". Perhaps the partner presenting the prenup for signature should take time away from their attorney and banker and spend it with their fiancé until they are sure that they really want to get married. I have a new money-making proposition for the other partner's attorney. They could develop a rate card and historical compensation schedule for all the services rendered up to the point of marriage to be included as an amendment to the prenuptial agreement. It might look like this:
Service Rate Qty Compensation Due
Encouragement 200 475 $95,000
Compliments 100 1,500 $150,000
Nice to future in-laws 500 110 $55,000
Sex ∞ 1 ½ of net worth
May 13, 2011
I Want Somebody to Love but I Can't Find a Good Date!
The most frequently asked question that I get from frustrated singles is, "Where can I
meet Mr. /Ms. Right?" I appreciate and understand the feeling of anguish and exhaustion that can accompany a series of bad dating experiences or dating fatigue. Unfortunately for many my quick answer, "Between your ears" usually adds to the frustration. However, upon closer examination, no truer words have ever been spoken. A dry spell in dating is almost always tied to our own subconscious projections versus the quality and quantity of potential partners in the local dating pool. Although difficult to admit, we project our fear of yet another dating failure and our frustration with the process from our subconscious mind. No matter how hard we try to hide these feelings they are reflected in our face, gestures and body language like a neon warning sign that directs good date traffic to a detour around us. That same sign can also invite in the desperate, unconnected or pathological members of the dating pool. The worse part is that we are not even aware of the underlying cause only the discouraging results. In a seemingly endless cycle these frustrating results can reinforce our subconscious signals and keep us on the path of dating despair.
Allow me to lend a machete to your overgrown subconscious negative neural pathways. Two minutes and a mirror is all you need. While looking into the mirror think about the frustration and anguish that you are currently feeling over the dating process. Take a long look at your face and body language. This is what you are projecting. Not good! Now recall the best date you ever had. It probably led to a love relationship and infatuation. Remember the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of that time as if you are experiencing them right now. Consider how good it felt to be in the moment. I'll bet that you couldn't help but project a warm, inviting smile and image of emotional balance and fun into the mirror. That's it, it really is that simple. Your subconscious warning sign has been replaced with Madison Avenue quality positive advertising. This is who you are in your natural love state, not that other person. Take this person with you everywhere and wear your new face with pride and confidence.
We release good brain and body chemicals when we are balanced and comfortable in our own skin. Sane, sober, engaged members of the opposite sex receive our subconscious instinctual and emotional communications loud and clear, they can't help it! Now to answer the frequently asked question, "Where can I meet Mr. / Ms. Right"? Armed with your new subconscious projections, anywhere and everywhere.
May 8, 2011
Hey Baby, I've Got Pheromones in My Cologne – Smell Me!
I am amazed at the level of confusion surrounding human instincts, especially in potential love
situations. Many scientists and philosophers argue that the human mind has evolved to the level where instincts no longer play an active role in behavioral outcomes. Their intellectual reflexes attribute ducking and the fight/flight response to reflexes vs. instinctual intelligence. Poppycock! There is plenty of new research data and programs, very new, from a variety of studies that point squarely to an active instinctual intelligence for love related circumstances.
Science is starting to map the production of our internal chemical compounds (pheromones and hormones) produced from a variety of human body parts to the corresponding subtle changes in our looks, voice, smells and movements designed to make us more attractive to potential love partners. The mysterious role of instincts or innate behavioral responses from potential love partners is also emerging. Apparently our potential partners produce chemicals and resulting behaviors in their brains and bodies in direct response to our attraction chemicals and behaviors. I call this instinctual communication at the instinctual intelligence level of the human mind.
I believe that there is far more instinctual communication between love partners than anyone is willing to admit accounting for the "love at first sight" phenomenon. I also believe that human instinctual communication plays an important part in keeping the chemicals of true love flowing throughout the life cycle of our love relationships.
Be careful not to buy into the hype of perfume and cologne companies that claim they have perfected a pheromone formula that drives the opposite sex crazy. Although science is starting to unveil some innate behavioral responses in humans to hormone secretion, no one has cracked the genetic code of even one love chemical combination. In other words, the finest scientific minds about one hundred years away from formulating Love Potion #9 despite some boisterous claims in advertising. In lieu of pheromone perfume or cologne, you might want to try a copy of my new book The Artful Science of True Love, as it will cost less and chock is full of information on how to keep the instinctual chemistry of love flowing.
April 5, 2011
True Love Defined
True love is one of the most misunderstood, mysterious concepts ever contemplated by the modern human mind. The U.S. Government offers no definition, at least none that I could find. Research psychologists are careful to avoid using the two words, true and love together and opt for defining Romantic Love or Compassionate Love instead. Philosophers have always taken a shot at it, but use phrases like "temporally housed" or "cogent manner" and prefer debate with other philosophers over a consensus definition. From time immemorial religious dogma has offered its two cents and is usually designed to solicit more that two cents for the church's coffers. Instruction on the subject is typically received from mother, friends and your favorite psychology professor and stems from opinions that were taught to them. Most people are passionate love opinion providers so, as children and young adults, we naturally accept our love lessons as fact vs. opinion. Following a lifetime of research, observation and personal experience I humbly offer the following:
True love is the balanced instinctual, emotional and intellectual connections shared between love partners.
When the connections of true love are established, they blend these levels of mind in the now through enjoying the physical, creating a balanced emotional state, and expanding conscious horizons for both individuals. That promise explains why we try so hard to find true love or attempt to reestablish it when it goes missing.
A funny thing about humans is that the sum of our parts does not simultaneously connect to others' in a neat orderly fashion. Instead, the pieces of our individual mind connect with other's corresponding mind parts along various lines of physical (instinctual), emotional, and intellectual levels. As a species, our instincts, cooperative behaviors, and ability to solve problems have evolved over eons and continue to evolve. As individuals, we do not come complete either. Rather, our minds grow cradle to grave and our behaviors reflect our unique personalities, learned teachings, and cultural norms. That is why so many people have given up on true love.
