E. Grey Lorimer's Blog

Common Issue in Dating – Meeting/Dating the Wrong Guys

Many women believe that they are attracted to the wrong kind of man. Others believe that it is their nature to attract the wrong kind of man. We have discovered that this issue has more to do with repulsion than attraction. Women suffering from this issue are typically unaware that they project and communicate the wrong messages. Great guys are tuned into facial expressions, body language, key words and phrases. If you chase off all the balanced great guys through misguided verbal and non-verbal communication then your entire potential dating pool will consist of the wrong guys. It becomes easy to believe that you are attracted to and attracting these type of men. The good news is that this is an easy issue to fix.

Often women with this issue experience a conflict of hope and fear when they meet a new potential dating partner. The hope that this one is the right guy and the fear that history will repeat itself. Without help, it surely will. Women who continually date the wrong guys typically exhibit an exaggerated focus on the negative dating and relationship outcomes of the past. This behavior actually attracts selfish, desperate, and or abusive men while repelling balanced, great guys.

To a great guy this focus on past negative outcomes is like saying, “fix me now and I will become a great partner later.” Great guys may participate in a sexual encounter but don’t normally consider women with this issue for serious long term love relationships.

Customary advice from friends and family often includes the need to keep on trying. Great advice if coupled with certain behavioral changes. If not then it becomes the classic definition of insanity: “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.”

Coaching provides an adjustment of focus to positive versus negative past dating and relationship outcomes combined with a set of trust rules. Developing the ability to recognize balanced male behavior is a critical part of coaching women with this issue. Coaching also includes an emphasis on projecting positive verbal and non-verbal communication to dating prospects. To schedule a session: http://theartfulscienceoftruelove.com/counselingcoaching/

 

 

 

Broken Heart – Easing the Pain

A good friend yelled at me last night. Apparently explaining what and why of a broken heart in the latest blog entry fell woefully short in his opinion. He wanted the how, as in how to get over it. There are so many theories, opinions and self-help remedies out there that it breaks my heart. According to most experts bogged in the quagmire of modern psychological dogma there are five stages required to get over a broken heart: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. If this seems familiar, it is because it is the same process for grieving. The traditional approach is great if your quest is self-exploration. Going through those steps will help you learn much about your own mind so it is useful in that regard. However, I do not believe that we need months to get in touch with the pain of separation anxiety. Most of us can feel anxious pain in a few seconds and unbelievably most of us can get over it just as quickly.

The problem with traditional solutions is that many attempt to overcome an instinctual causality with a conceptualized response. I imagine thinking around and stopping a preprogrammed instinctual response evolved over eons to keep most higher ordered species reproducing can be a daunting task for an Oxford Rhodes Scholar much less the rest of us. Memory triggers, there can be thousands associated with a lost love, activate automatic responses in the oldest parts of our brain, including the hindbrain mating behavior response. This response is a powerful, hard-wired command at the root of our animal programming. It compels us to return to our lost love through our brain's limbic system, which conjures up the emotions of fear, anxiety, grief, and anger. Our nature subconsciously chooses reproduction for us.

Most experts are quick to acknowledge the emotionality of a lost love but refuse to recognize the role of instinctual intelligence. They choose to treat the negative emotional brain chemistry through psychotherapy and by using drugs like Prozac to increase serotonin levels in the brain. Extremely effective in elevating anxiety but somewhat inconsiderate on the whole as these drugs have been known to inhibit the ability to form new love connections for many users. They might as well throw out the baby with the bathwater.

I have discovered a faster and more effective strategy. Replace the instinctual root command. Supplanting a new memory is the key. One that causes existing triggers to access a different, equally powerful, hard-wired command can work for many heart-broken lovers. Fear and disgust are survival based instinctual responses. Both can work depending upon the individual. I prefer disgust when applicable. For most people it is faster and easier to reestablish normal brain chemistry and emotional balance from disgust.

I do not recommend trying this on your own or on your friends. There are several important considerations when replacing the mating response. Personality type, learning preference, and the circumstances surrounding the break-up are a few of these important factors. Additionally, you will have to turn off the replacement command or you may subconsciously repel worthy suitors when you get back into the dating game. This is also a consequence of traditional recovery methods from a broken heart. It can leave many of us questioning why we struggle with meeting Ms. / Mr. Right months or years after a bad breakup.

If you or a friend is currently suffering from a broken heart, you can contact me through the website http://theartfulscienceoftruelove.com/ and I will see if I can help.

 

Broken Heart – A Butterfly Died Today

Sunday, January 22, 2012, a butterfly died today in Worchester, MA and Joe Pa died in State College, PA. Feeling very low, I decided to venture out alone, take in some football, and meet some new people. Chance was gracious in the form of a beautiful young woman, 25-year-old Suzelle. Securing a seat at the bar at Woody's in Bethlehem, PA, I complimented her New York Giant's "Tuck" jersey. She stated that her ex had given it to her. Instantaneously the look of heartbreak came over her face. Before I could demonstrate my newfound relation through empathy, a bartender interrupted us and thanked me for helping her last month with a love issue. As the bartender quoted a passage from her favorite new book The Artful Science of True Love, Suzelle's curiosity was piqued.

Apparently, her boyfriend of two years had broken off their relationship one week ago and she was hurting. Her lower lip quivered, eyes welled up, and in a quiet, shaky voice she stammered, "I really love him you know." While discussing the particulars through her pain and anguish, at one point she managed a half-hearted smile and bravely stated, "I guess it wasn't meant to be." I told her that sometimes the pain of loss could be eased through understanding the brain chemistry involved. She seemed unconvinced.

Neuroscience has made tremendous inroads to understanding the effects of some neurotransmitters (specialized brain hormones) on human mood and behavior. The brain chemicals that we know of typically associated with the fear of loss and separation anxiety include Epinephrine (Adrenaline), norepinephrine, and serotonin among others. In certain combination, these brain chemicals cause emotional pain. In a love loss there is the additional withdrawal from the neurotransmitters of love, Oxytocin, Vasopressin, and Dopamine that abruptly stop flowing when a love relationship ends. Good chemistry stops, bad chemistry starts, the perfect storm for heartache.

Recent discoveries in neuroscience can only uncover what is happening and that is only half the story. For the why we must look to evolutionary biology. Separation causes our instincts to kick in. The pain produced by the associated brain chemicals has evolved to force us to return to our mate. This is a special evolved response for pair-bonded species. It is an effective survival strategy response insuring reproduction.

Explaining the involuntary instinctual reaction to a love separation and the associated brain chemistry seemed to help Suzelle feel a little better. As for me, not so much.

 

Do Muslim Women Deserve True Love?

For better or worse, Aisha Kahn had her 15 minutes of fame about 15 minutes ago. She was the 19-year-old Pakistani Kansas student who left an alarming voice mail about being harassed by a drunk man then disappeared. As it turned out, she simply ran away from home, no abduction needed. Amidst the wave of media coverage about the family's anxiety and the public outcry condemning the wasted emergency resources utilized in the search, the "why she bolted" remains a mystery. If I may take a stab at it, she didn't like her new husband or her five-week-old arranged marriage very much. No surprise there.

The number one argument in favor of arranged marriage over love marriage calls upon statistical data indicating that divorce is less prevalent among arranged couples. This self-serving declaration, which I have heard first hand from Pakistani, Indian, and Arab male friends, is tantamount to declaring that prisoners stay longer in state sanctioned rehabilitation compared with non-captured criminals in voluntary rehabilitation programs to overcome antisocial behaviors. Apparently, freedom of choice can carry the burden of admitting and correcting one's mistakes while involuntary incarceration requires no such accountability.

I cannot imagine the fear, anxiety, and despair that must accompany a culturally imposed lifelong commitment to a love mistake. Not to speak for Aisha, but if her instincts were not doing back flips over the genetic match posed by her new husband she should have run? That is the difference between a love relationship and a business relationship. Make no mistake, without the brain chemistry of infatuation it is a business relationship. Certainly Muslim women deserve true love but I cannot help wondering how many business relationships result in it.

 

Daily True Love Vitamin – For Women Only – Singles

First conversation. You've painted up your lips, got a great new do, put on your dancing shoes and through recalling the best moment of your last love infatuation are wearing your natural love state all over your face. You are glowing and feeling your flirty best. You have caught the attention of a guy that you are attracted to and he is on his way over to approach you. You can tell that his instinctual level of mind is very interested by his facial expressions and body language. Automatically, you respond by turning your body slightly in his direction and pushing your hair back to expose your neck to him. He positions himself right next to you and demonstrates his confidence and sense of humor by saying in his best Jersey accent, "How you doin'." You both laugh. Now what do you talk about? For men with choices the first conversation is to confirm that you are sane, sober, and single and that you like yourself, period. If he receives confirmation, he will ask for a date.

I have witnessed firsthand many single women lose their shot at true love during the first few sentences of meeting a worthy date candidate. Mostly they will make one of two fatal mistakes, they will jump into the past or jump into the future. They immediately tell him what is wrong with them (no kidding) by describing their last horrible relationship or they will start a hundred question job interview to determine whether or not they should get married on the spot.

It does not really matter what you talk about as long as you allow yourself the opportunity to enjoy the moment in the present. If he is sane, sober, and single and upon closer review, you like his looks, smells and voice get a date and relax. There will be plenty of time to discuss both your fears and needs later.

Daily True Love Vitamin – For Women Only

Opinions do matter in our love relationships and keeping balance intellectually is critical to having a true love relationship. Ladies pick a topic that you usually disagree on and solicit his opinion. This time really listen and try to see his point of view on the subject. Ask questions for a deeper level of understanding. You do not have to agree with his opinion but can still place a premium value on it through listening carefully. Make sure that he knows his words matter. You will be amazed at much he will appreciate that his opinions are important to you.

Most Asked True Love Questions

Bethlehem, Pa, is a great U.S. City for many reasons. It has the best Mayor in the country, John Callahan who since 2004 has worked tirelessly to enhance both commerce and the arts for his citizens. It has the element of aspiring youth, as it is the home of Lehigh University, DeSales, and Penn State, Lehigh Valley Campus. The city hosts Musikfest each August, one of the nation's most popular celebrations of music and the arts that attracts over 1 million visitors. It also has a more subtle ambiance of culture as exemplified through the unique flavors of the city. Alando's Restaurant on Main Street delivers the perfect example with genuine Kenyan cuisine.

The owner, Emily Nyindodo has stolen ambrosia from the Gods. She produces a chili that captures excitement for the mouth through the delicate dance of spicy heat, sweet and smoke flavors. I was lucky to be her guest during Musikfest this year and I had a blast. I decided to use a "County Fair, guess your age/weight approach in the form of "Stump the True Love Expert and win a free iced tea or coffee" to attract attention to my new book as part of the overall strategy for helping people find and keep true love.

As I hung my sign outside and set up shop in the café portion of her restaurant to answer the true love questions of Musik-Festers, I had no idea what questions I would field over the next ten days. The following are the results of hundreds of questions most of which were looking for meaningful answers rather than a legitimate attempt to stump the expert author for a free drink. Please realize that most questions came from female attendees even though I believe that men need more education when it comes to true love.

The most popular questions included:

Why can't I find Mr. / Ms. Right?

Why do men cheat?

Why am I attracted to the wrong men / women?

Can we start over in our relationship?

How can we stop arguing about sex, money?

What constitutes true love?

Why do my relationships start great and then fizzle out?

How do I know if our relationship is a true love relationship?

The most interesting questions to me included:

Which is more difficult for men to overcome physical or emotional infidelity? For women?

Why have we grown apart over the years?

Does true love require friendship first?

Can homosexual couples find true love with their partners?

When should we call it quits?

Can true love couples cheat and maintain their true love?

Do true love couples argue?

How can I tell if someone is as into me as I am into them?

The most unexpected questions included:

Why don't counselors talk about true love?

Am I too old for true love?

Why am I so hesitant to commit?

Does true love require constant work?

 

Daily True Love Vitamin – For Men Only

Get all gussied up. Put on your Sunday best or even better the last clothes she said looked great on you. Make time for a shower, shave and haircut. Pat a little of her favorite aftershave on both cheeks. You will pique her interest. When she asks what is going on be sure to tell her that you got dolled up just for her. Tell her that you wanted it to feel like a first date all over. Gentlemen you will be amazed just how much she will appreciate the effort and how favorably she may respond. To stay on true love's path click here.

Guest Appearance on Just Energy Radio

Calling all True Love Fans and ships at sea. Your favorite semi-famous author, E. Grey Lorimer, will be a guest of Dr. Rita Louise on her weekly Just Energy Radio Show, Friday, November 4, 2011 from 3-4pm, CST, 4-5pm EST.

Tune in (Info Below) and listen to Dr. Rita and I discuss the most mysterious phenomenon of all – TRUE LOVE! I know that you will quickly become one of her world-wide fans as well. "Fran Dresher's delivery without the whine", is how one audience member put Dr. Rita Louise's frank, funny yet honest approach. This show is for couples and singles alike and we will discuss how anyone can get on the path of true love. I promise that this will be more fun than a barrel of Supreme Court Justices.

Just Energy Radio bridges the worlds of science, spirit and culture and will change the way the world views physical, mental and emotional health and all that lays hidden to the naked eye. Show topics will include experts from the fields of alternative health, metaphysics and spirituality, psychic and paranormal phenomena, ghost hunting and more.

Listen Live Every Friday Afternoon from 2-4pm CST.

You can tune into the show by going to http://www.justenergyradio.com orhttp://www.blogtalkradio.com/Just-Energy-Radio.

Guest can call into the show and ask questions by dialing  (646) 200-0698 .

We have also set up live chat room, where listeners can come visit, play and ask questions.  This can be accessed at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Just-Energy-Radio

I look forward to having all of you be part of the buzz.

Daily True Love Vitamin – For Women Only

One way that we connect emotionally with our love partner is through having fun together. Plan something fun for him. It can be as spontaneous and simple as squirting him with the kitchen sink facet sprayer or as elaborate as landing tickets for two to his favorite sporting event. It doesn't matter what you choose to do so long as you know that it will be fun for him and you do it together. Just the two of you, no kids or friends. Having fun with each other in our relationships is key to staying on or getting back on the path of true love.